All language subtitles for Nathan For You S01E02 Santa Petting Zoo.DVDRip.HI.en.COMCNTL

My name is Nathan Fielder,

and I graduated from one of
Canada's top business schools

with really good grades.

Now, I'm using my knowledge

to help struggling
small business owners

make it in this
competitive world.

This is Nathan For You.

NATHAN: Underneath this man's
clothes is a huge gift from God.

Can you guess what it is?

That's right. His
Santa Claus body.

James Bailey has been a
professional Santa for over 20 years.

And if you looked like
him, you'd be one too.

I am 6'4", and I do
weigh 350 pounds.

- Holy (BLEEP). Yeah.
- Yeah, holy (BLEEP).

I mean, my doctors would
like me to lose some weight.

So it's the trade-off
between living longer

or dying and
getting to be Santa.

It's like, what's
better? It's hard to say.

Well, it's very hard to say.

NATHAN: But for someone
so committed to bringing us joy,

it's a shame that, for most of the
year, James is completely out of work.

In the summer time, Santa
Claus becomes a homeless person.

But I wouldn't be here
if I didn't have a solution.

So, you know how
the best time to buy

a winter coat is in the summer?

- 'Cause that's when all the sales are.
- Yes.

So what I'm thinking
is that same approach...

With Santa.

I'm not seeing how that
applies to Santa Claus.

Every Christmas, people line up in malls
to get their pictures taken with Santa.

But what if you could do
it when it's less crowded

and at half the cost?

The plan:

Discount photos with
Santa in the summer.

Yeah, that's a great idea.

I can see the dollar
signs in your eyes.

- (LAUGHING)
- Yeah.

Right.

For this to work, we needed
to get a shopping mall onboard,

and mall manager
Sweeney Montinola

at the South Bay Pavillion
in Carson, California,

was happy to let us
try out our concept.

I think Santa in the summer
is a fun and unique idea,

and it will be great
for South Bay Pavillion.

NATHAN: With a mall
onboard, it was now time to buy

the supplies for our
Christmas village.

Which stuff do you rent
for the most, which holiday?

- Christmas.
- Christmas?

- Yes.
- Okay.

You really shoved this
away in a corner, huh?

Yep. (LAUGHING)

- No one likes this?
- Yes.

But after renting our props,
something bad happened.

The mall's policy requires a
background check on all employees.

But when we had
one run on James,

something actually turned up.

So I paid him a visit to
see what the story was.

You have a criminal record?

Well, yeah. The only...
It was a misdemeanor,

- really, from a DUI many years ago.
- Okay.

I couldn't believe
what I was hearing,

but then again, from
the first day I met James,

I could tell he was
different from other Santas.

This is a Smith & Wesson .500 magnum.
This is a .45 caliber semi-automatic.

.22 rifle. The
AK-47. This is a .300.

Little shotgun in case
you're into shotguns.

This is a .357 magnum,
and that one is loaded.

NATHAN: Okay, we
can't take out a loaded gun.

And there hasn't been any other
crimes that I should know about...

No, there's nothing there.

Even though James had a criminal
record and a closet full of guns,

I could still tell he
was a good guy.

But when I went back
to South Bay Pavillion,

they didn't see it that way.

I wouldn't allow anyone that
has any kind of background

to be that close to kids.

I mean, he's a really good
guy. I think you'd really like him.

No and no.

- Okay.
- Definitely, no.

I didn't know how to tell James
that the mall didn't want him,

but I paid him a visit
to break the news.

It's also important if
we could have it set up

so that we could print
the photos right there.

- Right.
- You know, so we do the digital.

- We get the pictures taken.
- Sure, sure.

So that might help
draw more people in.

Right, so I spoke to the
Director of marketing at the mall.

- Okay.
- And...

Um...

They're okay with us doing it?

Yeah? Great.

So we'll make this happen then.

That's outstanding. (LAUGHING)

- Yeah.
- Good.

- Yeah.
- I gotta say thank you.

Really. I think this is awesome.

James seemed so excited,

and I just didn't have the heart to tell
him that he wasn't wanted by the mall.

So my only goal was
to make it happen.

My hope was that, if
we got in there early,

we could do half hour's
worth of photos with James

before anyone realized we
weren't supposed to be there.

So on the morning of August 2nd,

we quietly pulled our truck
up behind the JCPenney.

And before unloading the village,
I had a quick word with James.

Just so you know,
if I ever say, "Abort,"

we should just walk
to the exit if you can.

- Abort.
- Yeah.

Um...

- (HESITATINGLY) Okay.
- Okay. That's it.

All right, quicker, guys.

We're gonna be doing
a Santa display soon.

Maybe over here.

Maybe, like, the
background is here.

Do you want your
picture taken with Santa?

Come.

- Hi, there.
- Hey, yeah!

What's your name?
Here, come here, little one.

Yes. You know how to do it.

Yeah.

Big smile. Look at the camera.

The mall manager.
What's her name again?

I'm, uh, Nat... I'm just an elf.

Wait. Um...

Take your photo
taken with Santa?

$5 Only.

It's discounted prices'
cause it's earlier in the year.

- GUARD: Excuse me.
- NATHAN: Okay, come.

Okay.

NATHAN: Let's go. Come on.

This way.

(RADIO CLATTER)

Excuse me.

Hey, can you stay away
from the cameras, please?

You can't go in
front of... Please.

Can you stay away
from our camera person?

- Okay, we're going.
- That's nasty.

We are leaving.

Nathan, you want me to stop him?

I said, does he
want me to stop you?

Yeah.

(JAMES CACKLING)

You've never messed
with Santa Claus, have you?

- Okay.
- Just cool it, dude.

No, it's okay, James.

- I'm out of the door. Stop it.
- Oh, my goodness.

James, come with me.

Okay, I know, we're
both trying to do our jobs.

Okay, don't swear.
There's kids around.

- Do not swear with kids around.
- Now.

You can't swear when
there's children around.

Yes, I'm walking.

We're both trying
to do our jobs, okay?

So you can't think your job's
more important than mine.

- Well...
- SECURITY: Watch out.

Stay back, please.

You can't say the
"F" word around kids.

What just happened?

Okay, um...

(SIGHS) When I talked
to the mall manager

and I told her about
the criminal record thing,

she didn't wanna have us.

- (SIGHS)
- So we weren't allowed

- to be in there.
- That came up?

But I didn't wanna tell you
'cause I thought you'd be sad.

(SIGHS)

So I wanted to
go through with it.

I mean, I honestly felt like
it's a human rights issue.

You have to be able
to be able to do this

When you did something
so small in the past.

That guy almost wanted to fight.

But just what you
did, stepping up to him,

just again proves, like, my point
of how great of a guy you are.

(LAUGHING) Oh. Thanks.

And just how much you
deserve to be doing this.

Well, yeah, this is great.

The little kids are
enjoying it. That was fun.

The main point is
we made a stance.

- Okay.
- And we did what was right.

All right.

You understand?

Yeah, I'm with you there.

- Merry Christmas, bro.
- Okay, guy.

- JAMES: (LAUGHING) All right.
- Okay.

It felt good to help someone with a
criminal record redeem themselves.

But what if I could
prevent someone

from entering a life of crime
while they were still young?

When I see stuff like this,

I see what's probably a teenager
headed down the wrong path.

So I decided to catch
a teen doing graffiti

and then warn his parents
before he turns to a life of crime.

To do this, I created a series
of fake promotional posters

for my TV show that
may seem innocuous,

but to an immature vandal,

would be extremely
tempting to deface.

To see which one
would work best,

we left the posters up for
a week in several locations

around the city of Los Angeles.

To my surprise,

the "Every Penny Counts" poster,

"Risk equals reward,"

"Tie shoes for safety,"

And "Be Flexible"

didn't attract
any graffiti at all.

However, "Dream Big"

And "Stand up to
the big guys" did.

I decided to go with
"Stand up to the big guys"

since there was
opportunity for two (BLEEP)

and put it up on a wall
near a local high school.

I left a pen and added a sticker

that would make the act even more
irresistible to an immature smart aleck.

With all the elements in place,

I watched from a
van across the street,

ready to pounce at any moment.

We'll check back
with this in a bit.

But first...

Terry Fox has been
running this petting zoo

in Oak Glen,
California for years.

- Can I touch the fat pig?
- Yes, you may.

Absolutely.

But with several
other petting zoos

located closer to the
major city of Los Angeles,

Terry needs to give people
a good reason to visit hers.

And that's where I come in.

People don't go to Sea
World to see a whale.

They go to see Shamu.

- Right.
- Who's your Shamu?

Our Shamu is our petting
farm. Our pigs, our goats.

Shamu is one animal.

Right.

So if I had one animal to pick,

it would be the pigs.

The pigs is multiple...

- Multiple, yes.
- Animals.

- So you don't...
- Mmm-hmm.

You don't have a Shamu.

We just don't have one
Shamu. No, we don't.

My mission was to make Oak
Glen petting zoo a destination.

And what they needed
was a star animal.

The plan: To create a hero
pig by staging a viral video

in which he rescues a
baby goat from drowning.

Oh, okay.

So, if you had
a video like that,

people would come from
places as foreign as Japan,

and even more foreign like
China, just to see your hero pig.

That would be great.

The first step was
picking our animals.

Vince would be our hero pig,

and Gangster the goat
would be our victim.

The zoo had a large trout pond,

so this would be the
setting for our rescue.

But when I brought Vince near the water,
I realized he was an incredible coward.

(VINCE SQUEALING)

- Okay, okay!
- No, no!

So we hired some animal handlers
to bring in a professional movie pig

that looked identical to Vince.

The question now was, how do we
get a pig to rescue a goat on camera?

Answer? You can't.

So I decided to have two scuba divers
secretly submerged beneath the animals

guiding the pig towards the goat
to make it look like a real rescue.

During the first
couple attempts,

The pig kept slipping
out of the divers' hands.

So we decided to build an underwater
track out of PVC to guide the pig,

like a bowling ball going
down a bumper lane.

This worked a lot better,

and I was hopeful it would
fool the internet audience

into believing this
video was real.

But as the amount of people
involved began to grow,

including animal
trainers, stuntmen,

and Humane Society
reps, I started to get worried.

After all, word couldn't
get out that this was fake

or it would be a disastrous
scandal for Oak Glen.

So I asked everyone on set to
sign non-disclosure agreements,

stating that they swore not to
tell anyone the rescue was fake

or else they would
face the death penalty.

Even though my lawyer said the death
penalty clause was not enforceable,

I still wanted to leave it in there
so people knew how serious I was.

After several failed attempts,

we finally got the
rescue on tape.

- (GOAT CRYING)
- (HARMONIOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

We had our video
and it was great.

But now we needed a
convincing backstory.

If this goes viral, the
press will wanna know...

Who filmed this video?

It couldn't be me with my
background in television.

People would smell a
hoax from a mile away.

But there was one person
no one would ever suspect.

Santa Claus.

In order to distance myself
from the pig rescuing goat video,

I got James to agree to say
that he was the one who shot it.

So for believability, I needed
to record audio of James

to make it sound like he was
there on the day it was filmed.

- Goat in the water! Goat in the water!
- Goat in the water!

- Yeah.
- Goat in the water.

Now, I needed to be sure
that Terry was with the program.

- So when the media comes a-knocking...
- TERRY: Mmm-hmm.

- Here's what you say.
- Okay.

- Verbatim.
- Okay.

I sometimes take the
animals out to the pond.

That day, I left to go get
my lipstick from the office.

That's when the goat
must've slipped in.

I never saw the rescue.

However, a good Samaritan
showed me the video.

I never got his
name or his gender.

Now repeat.

Gimme a minute.

- I sometimes...
- (TERRY CLEARS THROAT)

I sometimes take the
animals out to the pond.

- Here, I did write it down for you.
- Thank you.

With Terry's script to memorize,

the hero pig story was
becoming more concrete.

"When the goat
slipped in." Okay.

But then I realized I had
one more mouth to shut.

While we were
filming the rescue,

one of the scuba divers, Alex, was
telling me some pretty personal stuff

about actors, he's
worked with in the past.

Jennifer Aniston, Ben
Stiller. Ben's pretty bold.

He had to do some kinda nude water
stuff over in Hawaii for Along Came Polly.

I did that movie with him.

Alex was clearly a liability, and I
couldn't have him spilling details

about our video on his next job.

So I asked him to meet me
at the Pico subway station

to have a little reminder chat.

- Thanks for meeting me.
- What's up?

- How's it going?
- No worries. Good.

- Good. You're a bit tense.
- Well, you know...

- Stand right here.
- (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) But why?

- So how you been?
- Good.

I just wanted to ask. Do you remember
that "Pig Rescues Goat" video we made?

Yeah.

You haven't been talking to anyone
about that or anything, have you?

You look like you're
trying to like, threaten me.

- What?
- You look like you're...

No, no! Not at all!

You're shoulders were sore.
That's why I was doing that.

Come on.

- Just 'cause I'd be very... Very upset...
- Yeah.

If you told someone about it...

- Could you...
- All right, all right.

Yes, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yes.

I shouldn't have done that.

Yeah, but please
don't tell anyone, okay?

- Okay. Thank you. Okay.
- No worries.

My paranoia was
getting the best of me.

The video hadn't even been uploaded,
and I was already getting worried

about people
revealing the secret.

Plus, watching the video again,

I started to doubt that
this would fool anyone.

JAMES: Goat in the water!

All I could do at this
point was upload the video

and let the public decide.

JAMES: Goat in the water!

When I woke up the next
morning, I was astounded to see

that the video had been posted
on Gawker, eBaum's World,

and a bodybuilding
message board.

It had over 3,000 views,

and that was way more
than I ever expected.

Then I saw it was climbing
the charts on Reddit.

Then I checked the
view count an hour later.

Holy (BLEEP).

By the way, this may
sound like a sea rescue,

but a goat... A baby
goat, gets stuck in water.

This is some pig.
You have to see it.

A goat at a petting
zoo got stuck in a lake.

- WOMAN 1: This really happened.
- WOMAN 2: That was cool!

Have no fear,
there's a pig there.

REPORTER: I mean, you
couldn't do this at Warner Brothers

as a cartoon and make
it seem more realistic.

We're... We were
duty-bound to pass this on.

It's the leading
web video today.

While we have no way
of knowing if it's real,

- this was shot at a petting zoo.
- (GOAT CRYING)

- JAMES: Goat in the water!
- That's a baby goat

who got out into too deep
water. Begins crying for help.

Enter this pig.

(SPEAKING CHINESE)

(SINGING IN JAPANESE)

NATHAN: It seemed like the whole
world was talking about my video.

For a moment, I felt bad
because it wasn't real.

But then I realized
that it didn't matter.

Interspecies, he
went and helped.

Learn from it, humans.

In these cynical times,

people are desperate
for something to believe in.

And I gave people a reminder
that it's okay just to believe.

How did the pig free the goat?

Just kinda guided
it, just pushed him.

(LAUGHTER)

Every day with Elizabeth is
like, "How did this happen?"

NATHAN: I always knew this
video was something special.

And that's why, in the end,

I decided not to put the
name of the petting zoo on it.

I didn't want it to
come across like an ad,

- you know, for the petting zoo.
- Mmm-hmm, right.

I thought it would
be a bit transparent.

But if people would've known
that it was Oak Tree Village...

But I mean, you
can't be so selfish.

Selfish?

Well, I mean, if people
love the video, it's like,

can't just be all
about the business.

But that's what it was
supposed to be about

when you first came up.

It was supposed to
be about the business.

NATHAN: Terry just
didn't seem to understand.

But I don't leave those
that I help empty-handed.

That's why I made her this sign.

As my stakeout for a
young vandal continued,

I was starting
to get frustrated.

I'd been monitoring the
poster for over four hours,

and no one had defaced it.

For a moment, I thought
this wasn't going to work.

But I was quickly proven wrong.

Oh, he's taking the pen.

Oh, my God.

He's actually
doing it. On camera.

Let's go! Let's go!

- Hey, man.
- Hey.

- Hey, how's it going?
- It's going.

Cool, what are you doing there?

Oh, it's so funny.
You drew a (BLEEP).

- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's really funny.

We're doing a show
about teens, cool teens,

- called Teen Street.
- Uh-huh.

Is it cool if we ask you a
few questions for the show?

- Sure, no problem.
- All right, cool.

That's really funny.
That's mega funny.

This teen was no good,

and his parents needed
to know what he did.

So to earn his trust,

I told him we wanted to make

an entire "Teen Street"
episode about him.

So he spent the
rest of his afternoon

shooting segments
for a fake show.

(BEEPING)

What up! I'm Kyle.

Nineteen years old.
And this is Teen Street.

If you don't like
it, (BLEEP) you.

(LAUGHING) I do
whatever the (BLEEP) I want,

and I can do whatever I want.

The thing I'm most proud of is
I make (BLEEP) load of money.

- No regrets.
- (CHEERS AND APPLAUDS)

Listen to that!

Bam.

Yeah, I skated for six years,
played the drums for six years,

and did Muay Thai
and Brazilian jujitsu.

You have to love your mom.

If you don't, go
(BLEEP) yourself.

This show is about the
coolest teens in town.

BOTH: Teen Street, bitches!

(NATHAN LAUGHS)

First tattoo when I was 13.

This is the only girl that
never complains to me.

- (WOMAN MOANS)
- (BOY LAUGHS)

All right, so now I'm gonna
show you where I live.

Let's do this.

NATHAN: For the final
part of the segment,

I said we had to do
a tour of his house.

He didn't know it,

but he was leading
me right to his parents,

and I was going to tell them
what he did to my poster.

What up? This is my pad.

This is where I spend
my time making trouble.

I'm gonna show
you a tour real quick.

So who's this lovely lady?

- This is my mom Sheri.
- Awesome, man.

- Nice to meet you.
- Guess teens have moms.

- Right?
- Yeah.

All right, but we need to
stop laughing for a moment,

'cause we have to sit down. I
have something to talk about.

Okay.

He's drawn two
penises right there.

And you can see I'm holding them

as if I'm masturbating
these two men.

- (LAUGHS) Your...
You're laughing.

- SHERI: I don't...
- What do you find...

- Is that funny to you?
- I... No.

- This is not funny.
- The penises?

- Do you like that?
- No.

- Being held like that?
- (LAUGHTER)

- Is that...
- Okay.

- So this is funny to you.
- That's not funny.

To my surprise, even his
mom wasn't taking this seriously.

Luckily, I had an L.A.P.D.
officer with me to set him straight.

What we have here is a crime.

If someone sees you commit the
crime, you can get arrested and go to jail.

And believe me, you
don't wanna go to jail.

Would drawing penises
going into someone's hand

be a segue to, you know, murder?

Of course not. I don't think so.

Never?

I'm not gonna say never.

So may... Yes. So then yes.

- If he choked on it, maybe.
- SHERI: Kyle.

Show respect and apologize.

- KYLE: All right.
- It's a good way to go.

Well, I did enjoy drawing
penises next to your face,

- but I really do apologize.
- No, I don't accept that.

I don't accept an apology
that starts like that.

(CLEARS THROAT) I apologize
for drawing wieners next to your face.

- Okay.
- All right.

You're a good kid. You
have a lot of potential.

And to be honest, I see
some of myself in you.

But you just have to try
to become more like me

and less like you.

No, I disagree.

- I think he should more like himself...
- KYLE: I'm actually...

Well, he shouldn't be
like himself obviously.

Someone who draws penises.

(OVERLAPPING COMMENTS)

It's always amazing to see
animals helping each other out.

HOST 1: Didn't he
say something like,

"Goat in the water!
Goat in the water!"

- Yeah.
- Or something like that.

And the pig jumped in.

He's definitely on a mission.

HOST: He's definitely
going to save the goat.

Like, there's no way
you can say that he's not.

I love this video.