Original subtitles

(pleasant orchestra music)

("Mapp & Lucia" theme music)

- Here ladies.

- Well we've all noticed that Benjy's given up golf,

- Pray tell. - and goes shopping with her.

- Carrying the basket!

- And she leans on his arm.

- Yes, and she's let out that old green skirt

of hers at least three inches.

- Georgie, you aren't suppose to know about such things.

(mumbling) - Oh nonsense, Lucia,

you don't suppose that Georgie

thinks we're all found under gooseberry bushes?

- Exactly, unless.

- Exactly, unless she's deceiving him.

(gasps)

- What is it Foljambe? - Miss Coles, sir.

-[Irene] Saw your broom outside, beloved,

and thought I'd pop in.

- Irene, come and have a glass of Madeira.

- Can't stand the stuff,

but gin and (mumbles) if you insist.

- Oh, very well.

- Deep in gossip, I expect?

- No.

Well, why not?

It's thought the Mrs. Mapp-Flint is expecting.

- Ooh, expecting what?

Not a dividend from Siriami.

- Oh now, don't be facetious, dear one.

- All right, a baby then.

Who's the correspondent?

Georgie?

- What? - You're blushing beneath

that beard of yours.

By the way, do you sleep with it inside

or outside the bed clothes?

-[Georgie] Oh, really I--

- I saw you climbing up a rope ladder to her bedroom

and you locked her in a passionate embrace

and now you've gone and got her into trouble,

you wicked old Romeo, you.

- Irene, did you come here just to be silly?

- Never let it be said.

I came to tell you that but a few minutes ago,

I tracked dear old Benjy going into

Willgar and Pipstone, listened in to the conversation.

- And?

- They want to let sweet Mallards for six months,

even a year!

- Good heavens, why?

- Siriami, she said darkly,

Mrs. Mapp-Flint is skint, broke to the gentry,

a long let or even selling.

- Freehold, do you know?

(knocking on door) - The morning post, madam.

- Thank you, Withers.

Anything interesting, Benjy boy?

- Club subscription due again, you?

- The Wyse's invite us for Sunday luncheon.

- Ah.

Filling Wine and Spirit company, oh that's right.

- I don't believe it.

- Hm? - So like her,

so very like her.

- Like who? - Who do you think?

She's always wanted my house

and here she is making an offer to buy it, buy it, mark!

- Now, steady on old girl.

- She shan't have it, I'd sooner burn it to the ground

with my own two hands.

And I bet my bottom dollar she put quaint Irene up

that libelous painting of me!

- I don't see the connection at all.

Speaking of bottom dollars,

there's a bill here from Twistevant's

for four pound 19 and four pence!

- What comes next, she will graciously exchange

Greeb for Mallards.

That wretched villa liable to be swept away by floods,

with you and me carried out to sea again on a kitchen table!

My answer is no, pass the butter.

- Anything else?

- Anything else?

- Yes, at the end of the letter, the long and short of it!

- Yes, well no.

She adds that she will also offer me the sum of 2000 pound.

- 2000 pounds?

Well well even if you get a year's let,

she'd still have to spend a pretty penny,

doing the place up.

- What are you talking about?

The house is in perfect repair, perfect!

- Now that might not be the viewpoint of a tenant

and you might not get a tenant at all!

- And the wicked insincerity of her letter!

Saying she's sorry to hear I have to turn out,

sorry she's been lying in wait for it.

My answer, I have good mind not to answer her at all.

- I don't see the point of that.

- You're not being bright this morning, love.

- Well if you're not going to take her offer,

why not tell her so?

- Oh, go to your golf.

- Very well.

I shall.

- Good morning, Irenee. (church bell tolling)

Hard work at work I see.

- Good Lord, are you talking to me again?

- Forgiveness is all don't you think?

What a pretty window.

- Tell you what, I'll come and redecorate Mallards

for 100 pounds down.

- Well it would be cheap, certainly,

but I fear my days are numbered.

- Not feeling so hot?

- I (mumbles) Mallards, I mean.

- Oh no, it's Lucia's offer,

the most angelic thing I ever heard.

I knew you'd jump at it.

- Lady, I'm not quite in time to jump.

- Oh not literally.

That'd be very rash.

But isn't it just like her? (church bell tolling)

Noble and generous, I cried when she told me.

- I shall cry if I have to leave my sweet Mallard,

if I accept her offer, of course.

- Then you're a crashing old crocodile, Mapp,

you should think yourself damn lucky

to get out of that old ruin on her terms.

Do you like my pajamas?

- Very striking.

- I'll buy you a suit like this,

when the happy day arrives.

- Must be getting on, so much to do.

(Irene snickering)

Boo! - Oh, my heavens!

- Front door ajar, too tempting.

- Oh, it's you.

- No dear, somebody quite different,

because I'm perplexed, I don't know what to do.

- Benjy eloped with Lucia?

- Godiva, dear, jokes on certain subjects only hurt me.

(speaking foreign language)

- So what exactly is perplexing you?

- I got a pretty letter from Lulu this morning.

- Yes yes, we all know about that.

Where does the perplexity come in?

- Well the thought of selling Mallard,

exchanging it for Greeb.

- Plus 2000 pounds, don't forget!

Well I wouldn't offer you more than 1000!

- Things like atmosphere cannot be bought for mere cash.

- So what do you expect me to do?

- Diva dear, we've always been such friends!

- Yes yes, we all know about that!

- And it's seldom (speaking foreign language)

I've asked you for any favors.

- Fire away!

- Do you think you could let Lucia know

quite casually of course,

that I don't believe I have the heart to leave Mallards?

- And that you expect more than 2000 pounds!

- No, no, no mention of that! (fingers snapping)

(speaking foreign language)

- Very well.

And I shall ask a favor of you in return.

- What's that dear?

- Do drop that silly habit of

putting French phrases into your conversation!

(speaking foreign language)

It's only copying Lucia and Georgie, and they're Italian!

Oh, so ridiculous!

- A bargain then sweet!

You speak to Lucia, and I'll do my best

to break myself of the habit!

I don't want to confuse anybody!

- Tres agreeable!

You see, sounds silly!

Been on my mind a long time to tell you that!

- She didn't ask you to come here and tell me that?

- Why should she do that, dear?

- What is that slang word one hears so often in the city?

- Bluff!

- I know, Georgie, just about to say it.

- Oh sorry.

- So um, if by any chance you should run in to her dear?

Will you tell her, quite casually of course,

that um, my offer does not remain open indefinitely.

- Until when then?

- Um, until I uh...

What?

10 o'clock tomorrow night.

- That's what she said, by 10 o'clock tomorrow night.

- Tell blog, sorry dear, but I refuse to be intimidated.

-[Lucia] Well, what did they say?

- Mr. Wilkar said that he was very sorry,

but they couldn't disclose the affairs of their clients.

- Oh!

So somebody else may be after it!

- It's quite likely I should say.

- (sighing) Oh no.

(knocking)

-[Grosvenor] The evening post Madam!

- Oh, thank you Grosvenor.

- Thank you Grosvenor. - Thank you sir.

- Nothing! - Oh!

(sighing)

Lucia, I wonder if I might proffer a suggestion.

- What?

- Well supposing you made the 2000 pounds, guineas?

- Georgie, what a brainwave!

I'll send a note, pronto!

Graci, ponti!

- What's the time?

- Half past eight.

-[Withers] The evening post, Madam.

- Thank you Withers!

-[Withers] Your tea, sir!

- Any news? - Nothing!

- (sighs) You'd think in a war of attrition

she'd be willing to negotiate another 500 pounds,

wouldn't you say? - But what if she

withdrew her original offer?

- Eh, true enough.

Tell you what old girl, give her another hour,

then write a note accepting it!

- Greeb indeed!

Grab would be the best name for any house she lives in!

- Cadman, drive down and deliver

this note to Mrs. Mapp-Flint.

- At Mallards, yes Madam.

- Then that will be all.

- Thank you ma'am, uh, goodnight.

- Goodnight.

- Goodnight sir.

(Georgie speaking foreign language)

- But is your clock right?

- It always has been.

Surely she'll accept guineas, (sighs).

- There's no time to be lost, take this note

out to Greeb at once!

- But the car's out of action.

- Then you must walk!

- Oh, right oh will do.

I'm on my way.

- Good evening sir.

- Uh, Cadman?

- Good evening sir, I was just on my--

(both talk at once)

- With a note for Mrs. Lucas. - (mumbles) when sir.

- Well shall we um, change over, save a bit of bother, hmm?

- Just as you say sir.

- They say fair exchange is no robbery, hmm?

- Exactly sir.

- Right.

- Goodnight sir.

- (pants) I met Cadman on the way here with this!

Haven't opened it, addressed to you.

- She made it guineas.

Benjy boy, she made it guineas!

- Well done old girl!

- But, but...

- But what? - I just accepted pounds.

Quick where's my note?

- I gave it to Cadman of course.

- Well quick quick run after him!

- Run to Greeb? - Why not?

- Cadman will be there by now.

Mapp girly, Lucia's Rolls has eight cylinders!

I have only two feet!

- Oh well in that case, I've just lost 100 pounds!

And another thing.

- Ah!

- 10 minutes to 10.

- Georgie! - What?

- Please don't spell out the time every 10 minutes.

- But I'm sorry, I thought time was of the essence!

- Of course it is, but I need

my mind taken off it, not put on to it!

- I'm sorry! (knocking)

Come in!

- A note for you Madam, Cadman brought it.

- Thank you Grosvenor!

- Goodnight sir.

- Goodnight Grosvenor!

(gasping)

- Heaven! - What what what what?

- She's accepted pounds.

- Ah good!

- But I've offered her guineas!

- Well you'll just have to compromise

and split the difference.

I'm sorry Lucia all the excitement has been

too much for me, I'm going to bed, goodnight.

- Oh!

(pleasant music)

(rapid scraping)

-[Gasman] Morning Madam!

- Oh good morning, good day to you!

- Good morning sir!

- Um, all this vandalism!

Drab paint like a workhouse on these

beautiful old banisters!

(rapid scraping) - Lord how you go at it!

(chuckling)

They say that nobody else in Tilling can get

anyone to do anything.

- How sweet, you see, Georgie no mio,

- Yes? - I intend to make Mallards

the center of artistic and intellectual life here.

- Well, that's what you always wanted isn't it.

- Hmm. - But uh...

- You know, Georgie? - Yes?

- I am becoming rather rich.

- Oh? - And I don't mind telling you

that I intend to spend a proportion of my gains

on the welfare of Tilling.

The church organ needs looking at,

- Yes. - and the hospital is very

short of equipment.

I think I shall call it Mallards' House.

How does that sound?

- Oh simply grand, but, uh...

So we when, when do you think all this

redecoration will be finished, Lucia?

- Mmm, two weeks, three at the most.

- But uh... (sniffing)

- Georgie?

- What?

Why do you keep saying but, and sniffing?

- Well, is there a rather horrid smell of gas?

- Eh, I thought I smelled something peculiar.

(sniffing)

Lucky, the gasman is in the kitchen.

- Oh is he.

- I'll get him to come and smell too.

- Yes well I do think it might be, you know?

(sniffing)

- Mm, I think so.

- Yes, it was, some where I don't know.

(sniffing)

(tapping) (sniffing)

Oh, sorry.

(tapping) (sniffing)

(tapping) (sniffing)

- No ma'am, it's not my sort of gas.

- What sort then?

- Well it's sewer gas.

- Ah! - Oh!

- That'll be my brother Percy, town surveyor.

I'll get him for you.

- Oh, s-sewer.

Oh dear.

(sniffing)

-[Georgie] (mumbles) it's strange.

- Yes and very odd, but it was very perceptive of you.

- Well (mumbles) expect that stuff

coming up through the floorboards somewhere.

- Oh dear I do hope not.

Seems better in here anyway, ah!

Good morning! - Good day to you both!

- Good morning! (Georgie chuckling)

Georgie! - Yes.

- In here, I thought the woodwork should be

a shade of o-da-neel.

- Oh, well that would be very--

- I think it would be delicious.

And the walls, I've chosen a striped wallpaper.

- Oh would that be very uh-- - Um, and--

- Um back mum, my brother Percy.

-[Georgie] There we are then!

- Morning sir, mum! - Good day to you!

- Good morning! - I'm afraid Georgie's made

a blooming error, (laughs).

- Oh, I'm so sorry.

- Oh, no, no, begging your pardon sir,

it's that Georgie, my brother the gasman.

- Now isn't that really? (laughing)

- It's sewers.

- Something wrong with your nose piece old lad,

that's coal gas, that is.

- What I want to know immediately, is whether

I'm living in a gas pipe or main drain?

(laughing)

- That's a rare way of putting it ma'am!

- We'll fix it for you ma'am, never fear.

- It'll be percolating through the soil!

- I'll get two of my fellows around, straightaway!

- And two of mine. - And we'll find out.

- Bet you a bob it's coal gas Georgie!

- What?

Oh, no. (laughing)

- I'll take you on, a bob it's sewers!

- But I can't live in a house that's full of either.

- No you see the one may explode,

and the other one poison Mrs. Lucas!

(laughing)

- Don't you worry sir, I'll guarantee the lady

against explosion, if it's my variety of gas.

- And I've had workmen so ma'am,

who've spent their days

reveling in a main drain you might say

and live to be 90!

- You really? - Really?

- If it's sewer's now then ma'am.

Tally ho, all okay.

Come on Georgie!

(Lucia and Georgie tittering)

- It's lucky you've kept it sir!

(sniffing) (muffled mumbling)

Pardon sir?

(muffled mumbling)

What I always say is sir, you never know.

- Yes. - There you are sir,

good as new.

Sir!

(muffled mumbling)

(comically tense music)

- You can leave that now Cedric, we've found the problem.

It's further down the garden!

- Hello Georgie!

(muffled mumbling)

I can't hear a word you're saying.

(muffled mumbling)

Why are you wearing that silly thing?

We're in no danger, take it off.

And uh, Georgie?

-[Georgie] Yes?

- Take these indoor, mm, and put them

on the table with the others.

- But, don't keep all that rubbish, do you?

- Roman pottery, without a doubt!

A villa or a temple.

- Ah!

- Drains and sewers it is!

- Where? - Here.

This bit of tiling, drains.

- Bad luck Georgie boy, drains it may have been,

but now it's clean as a whistle.

We're looking for something active, and stinkfull!

There's been no sewage passing through

that for a sight of years.

- Please, give me that tile!

- Certainly ma'am.

And have a sniff at it yourself.

You may lay it on your pillow and sleep

the sleep of the just.

- Thank you.

That is not what I want it for.

Come along Georgie.

- Bup, indoors me!

Hurry my dear!

Quickly!

(rapid scraping)

Those, those wonderful Romans, used to build

furnaces underneath their floors,

and the hot air was conveyed in tiled flues

all through the house.

- Oh what do you mean that tile,

didn't come from a drain at all?

- Of course not!

It's part of a hot air flue!

- Oh but the pipes seem to run through the Earth,

not the wall.

- Mm, because the, the wall may have

collapsed at that point.

Ha, look!

Look, come on, look!

Letters, letters here!

- Ah! - Ah!

- S-P-S.

S-P?

- S-P

Georgie, quick!

My encyclopedia!

- Where? - In the tea chest!

Oh, quick!

Ooh, George, yes, hurry,

oh the devil! - Here's the gas pipe then!

- Oh quick, quick!

- Come on!

Out, out!

- Have a whiff of that then Georgie boy!

And owe me a bob.

- (laughs) That's certainly like a smell that is!

Here's your bob then!

- Put that piece of pipe there on your pillow ma'am,

and you'll sleep like you'll never wake up again.

- And don't worry ma'am we'll put it to right in a tic!

- Oh, what about this great hole?

- Well it'll be filled in tomorrow or the next day.

- No no no, no no!

Leave it.

No hurry, no hurry at all.

Here we are, here we are, Roman Britain,

Roman Brit, here here!

Look, look, look!

S-P, and then, Q-R.

- S, S-P-Q-R!

That rings a bell! - Well,

I should hope so, look!

It stands for (speaking foreign language) it says here!

(gasping) - Of course!

The senate and the people of Rome!

(gasps)

George, so Mallards, is built on a temple!

- So now all we've got to do is find the

other piece of the tile, with the Q-R written on it!

- That's why I said there was no hurry to fill in the hole!

- Yes!

- We must dig, George-ino!

Dig!

Come on, hurry!

- Look what I found!

- Mmm?

- It's a clay pipe.

- Oh? - I didn't know

the Romans smoked.

- (chuckles) Of course they didn't!

What you've got there is, on a higher stratum.

Mm, Cromwellian I'd say at a guess.

We must dig deeper Georgie,

and possibly sideways.

- Well what are we going to say?

People will ask us what we're doing!

- The truth of course, excavating for Roman remains!

The most promising results, don't go any further than that!

And nobody admit it yet.

I shall make the same sort of announcement

to the Tilling Gazette.

- Sideways?

- Lucia! - Hmm?

- Look at this, I think it might be

the other piece of the tile!

- Oh, well done Georgie!

Here, yes, I'm sure, I'm sure this is going to be, Q-R!

(scrapping rapidly) Now we, we've got S-P.

Mm hmm, mm, yes yes look, look look!

The letters are coming through!

Here, Q-R!

(chattering excitedly)

Q-R I'm sure!

What, well oh..

- Uh, except it isn't Q-R.

- Wha...

- It's E-N-C.

- C? - Yeah, E-N-C.

- E-N-C, S-P-E-N-C.

- Georgie! - What?

- Georgie?

What is the name of that iron monger

at the top of Fishnet Lane?

- Oh god Lucia, Spencer.

- Well?

- Established 1830, but...

(sighing)

Oh dear how tiresome.

(tiles clattering)

- We must dig deeper Georgie.

-[Georgie] Yes.

- Dig deeper.

(sighing)

- "All lovers of archeology will be thrilled to hear

"of the discoveries that Mrs. Lucas has made

"in the beautiful grounds of her Queen Anne mansion."

What discoveries for heaven sake?

- Well she has been at it.

- Wait!

"I need not remind my readers that Mrs. Lucas

"is the acknowledged leader of the most

"exclusive social circles in Tilling."

Who is this mountebank?

- Don't read any more dear,

you'll just make yourself feel ill.

- "I have long been absorbed in the

"Roman occupation of Britain.

"My intuition has already been justified,

"and I feel sure it will soon be rewarded

"by even richer discoveries."

Rubbish!

- But you never know, Mapp.

- Passed by Mallards this morning.

Peeped over the hedge, digging, devastation!

- Jealousy. - I think I'll dig up that

old fruitless apple tree by Greeb

and tell everybody I found the Arc of the Covenant

in its roots, or a first folio of Shakespeare.

- Jealousy. - No one's allowed to

see anything of course.

- Definitely jealousy.

- I was saying to Benjy only this morning,

Lucia finds it so difficult to grow old gracefully.

Nobody takes any interest in her for herself anymore,

so she invents Roman forums, must be in the limelight.

- Then that makes two of you.

- Godiva dear, old friend old dear,

nobody would be more delighted than I

if Lucia finds a Parthenon in my gooseberry bushes.

But why does she never let us see anything?

I've half a mind to telephone them for that,

and suggest they bring some kind of expert to have a look.

- You think everyone's being deceitful

because you're being deceitful yourself!

(inhaling sharply)

- I never have thought to have heard such words from you!

- Oh don't pull a faces if you're going to cry!

All these weeks, everyone making such a fuss of you!

Well you know what I'm getting at, so we'll leave it!

(tapping)

- Lucia! - Uh hmm!

- I say Lucia, what do you make of this?

- Hmm?

No idea till I've cleaned it.

These bones are probably those of a red deer.

The Romans hunted them you know.

- No I didn't, but what do you make of this piece of glass?

- And this small shell!

Did you know, the Romans introduced

edible snails into Britain?

- No absolutely not, but, what about this?

Lucia?

- Eh.

Glass.

Something embossed.

We'll soon find out! - Now I found that at least

three layers deeper than the clay pipes.

So if they were Cromwellian that piece of glass must be,

what, say each layer was at least

1000 years old, certainly Roman!

- Mm, well yes, yes I'm sure, sure!

Look! - What a moment,

wait, I'll come around!

- Come on!

- Okay, wait, eh?

- A-P-O-L.

- Apol-Apollo!

Apollo!

- (speaking foreign language) Apollo!

As Horus puts it.

- Horus, so the rest of it must be somewhere quite near!

Oh what a pity it's getting too dark to see properly!

- We must resume at dawn!

(pleasant music) (birds chirping)

(church bell tolling)

- Dear Mr. Georgie!

- Oh, Elizabeth!

- I was just about to pop this copy of

the Tilling Gazette into Lucia,

I knew how much you'd like to see it.

- Oh thank you! - Lovely thing about

sweet Lucia, (mumbles) of Mallards, Queen of Tilling,

and such a wonderful archeologist.

- Oh yes indeed, well thank you very much!

- We're all agog about her discoveries,

you've seen them of course.

- Oh rather, heaps of Roman tiles and pottery and glass,

and Cromwellian clay pipes and things, yes, heh.

- Ah, well, I must be trotting along,

au reservoir.

- Yes perfectly, thank you.

- A-P-O-L, L-I-N-A.

Apollina.

(sighing)

Apollina, a feminine derivative of Apollo?

(gasping)

Ah, Apollina, Apollina, allina...

(sighing)

No, nothing.

(knocking at door)

- Your mineral water Madam.

When would you like your breakfast?

- I shall ring, when I'm ready, Grosvenor.

This may be a great moment in the history of Mallards.

- Very good Madam.

- Ah (sighs).

R-I-S.

Apollina R-I-S.

(sighing)

(tense music)

(deflating music)

(knocking at door)

- Excuse me Madam!

I thought you best take off

them muddy shoes and put on these.

Then you can put on the others when you go digging again.

- I shan't be digging again, Grosvenor.

- I'm glad to hear it mum.

(Georgie muttering)

- Good morning sir. - Good morning Lucia!

- Breakfast now Madam?

- Georgie? - Yes.

- I have something to attend to.

Grosvenor?

Clear the table and throw everything away.

(birds chirping)

Oh! - Ah!

Mrs. Lucas, the very person.

I was just on my way to call on you.

Any news (mumbles), for the Gazette?

- Ah, you must forgive me, I'm in something of a hurry.

- But Mrs. Lucas, I interviewed you last week.

I thought it was a very good article.

- Ah, yes yes, but um, you must excuse me!

- Yes but Mrs. Lucas, your discovery

of Roman ruins on your property has aroused

the greatest of interest in archeological circles.

- I thought I'd made it clear that these were early days.

- Of course, of course.

But you would obviously like the opinion of an expert.

- Not at the moment, thank you.

- But Mrs. Lucas, Professor Arbethnot,

of the British Museum, is motoring down today.

- What? - Ah, I thought

you'd be pleased.

- (sighs) Quite impossible, I, my excavations

are not to be examined at this stage.

- He'll be here by lunch time.

- Well you may give him lunch at the Traders Arms

and make apologies.

- Oh dear.

- May I ask, who gave you the idea of Professor Arbethnot?

- I'm afraid I'm not at liberty to reveal

the source of confidential information.

- I thought as much.

- Ah, good morning Mrs. Lucas.

- Good morning, the Tilling Gazette if you please,

all the copies you have left!

- None mum.

Went like hotcakes on the news of your excavations.

I've just telephoned for a repeat order.

- Most gratifying.

- Morning Lucia!

Have you seen Elizabeth?

She's mad with rage about your excavations!

- Lovey, Mapp doesn't believe in your Roman remains!

- Why don't you show her some of your finds,

and prove what a liar she is?

- Mm, my dears, it's really beneath me.

I'm only sorry for that unhappy jealous nature of hers.

As for my little excavations, I'm abandoning them,

for the time being.

- Why? - Too much publicity.

Too much fuss.

I stifle in this atmosphere of envy and malice.

(giggling) Au reservoir!

(melodramatic music)

(sighing)

- Lucia, oh my dear.

Roman ruins, just an empty bottle of fizzy water.

(chuckles) Oh dear how tiresome!

- Tragic, rather than tiresome.

The Spencer tile, then it, nothing Roman there.

They'll fill in the ditch this morning,

for me too!

- Oh I shouldn't bother about it

(Lucia heavily sighing) too much, hmm?

- I shall be exposed by you-know-who.

- Well, it'll be a tossup as to who exposes whom, won't it?

You're Roman ruins or Miss Mapp's phantom pregnancy?

(knocking)

- Will you have breakfast now Madam?

- Oh no, I couldn't Grosvenor!

- Yes Grosvenor thank you very much!

And we'll have it out in the garden,

overlooking the excavations.

- Very good sir. - Thank you.

Now, first of all, we must get Mallards ship-shape!

(sighing) (cheerful music)

So come along you men, pull your socks up!

And then, we must give a little housewarming party.

Come on, let's go and discuss the invitations.

- Foljambe, the guests are arriving.

Excellent.

Beautifully arranged.

Do we have enough sherry?

- Oh I think so. - Oh I think we have.

- Mr. Post mum.

- Ah Georgie no mio (laughs)!

- Magnifico, ultra

magnifico, mm. (Lucia moaning)

Oh Foljambe it's a crime isn't it,

thank you so much so lightly.

- And all done with your advice Georgie,

such exquisite taste.

Mm, and so at last, Mallards' House is ready

to play it's rightful part in the life of Tilling.

- And it belongs to you.

- And it belongs to me.

- Hoorah (giggles)! - Major and Mrs. Mapp-Flint.

- Oh, have a look.

- Elizabeth! - Elizabeth,

so glad you could come.

- So here we are, back in our

lovely room again aren't we Benjy boy.

- Uh, so it seems.

Ah Mrs. Lucas, how do you do?

- Major Benjy! - Ah Mr. Georgie,

do we detect your fine Italian hand in this, transformation?

- Oh no no it's all Lucia's genius!

(Lucia speaking foreign language)

- Mistress Lucas, what a transfiguration!

- Padre! (laughing)

- The hall's so bright after all that drab--

- Elizabeth, what a lovely fur trimming.

Tiger, surely?

- So glad you like it!

- Lucia what wonders, what wonders you've done!

Hello Elizabeth!

Good heavens, what happened to--

- Elizabeth don't stand, take the chair

by the window where you used to sit.

- No I won't sit thanks,

but I should like just a look around!

So clean, so fresh!

- (speaking foreign language), dear.

- You've made the room lovely Lucia,

I never saw such an improvement, don't you agree Mapp?

- But bright lights for daytime, I should find them

a little dazzling but my eyes are wonderful, thank god.

- Mr. and Mrs. Wyse.

- Susan, how lovely to see you!

Senor, (speaking foreign language).

Sherry at once and the tidbits.

- Very good mum.

- Artistic genius.

I've never appreciated the beautiful proportions

of this room before, because in my opinion--

An, Mrs. Mapp-Flint.

- Oh of course, it's such a pleasure,

and what a lovely costume if I may say so.

(speaking foreign language)

- That poem of Blake's, tiger tiger burning bright!

Hm, yes.

- A glass of sherry, dear Elizabeth?

- No not a drop thanks, poison to me.

(whispering softly)

- It's bits of the tiger skin that used to be

the hearth rug here.

I always admired it so much.

- The walls, a heavenly shade of green.

Susan we must memorize this color

for when we do off out little (speaking foreign language).

(laughing)

- They call that, it is the true Irish color.

I cannot remember what was the way of it before?

- I can tell you Padre.

Biscuit color, such a favorite tint of mine.

With some of my little paintings on the walls.

All quite plain and homely.

Benjy how naughty you are, sherry always punishes you.

- On occasion girly, on occasion for

the sake of Auld Lang Syne.

(speaking foreign language)

- What the hell does that mean (giggles)?

'allo Mapp, bet you hardly recognize the place.

- Well it's not entirely new.

Glaring white paint in the hall,

the sacred room the color of green apples and indigestion.

- Hey wait a minute!

What's happened to--

I mean you've taken in his skirt again!

- Lulu dear, may I take a peak upstairs?

- Of course!

You know the way don't you?

- (laughs) If I can still recognize it!

- Come!

- Well I was prepared for something pretty

frightful, but nothing as bad as this!

- I disagree.

Why you're just used to seeing everything

smothered in cobwebs and your watercolors

and muck all over the place.

- Just take a peak upstairs!

- There you are, she's given it up!

- What a sell!

- Shouldn't we say something, I mean,

she must be terribly disappointed.

- Rubbish! - She didn't even believe it.

She just wanted us to.

- Deceitful!

- But, all those drives in my Royce!

And the Contessa's nourishing Sicilian honey!

- Everyone making such a fuss about!

- But still, we mustn't make a scene.

I mean, after all, she didn't actually tell us

that she was pregnant, did she?

- Typical!

- Saucy little customer she was (chuckles)!

We used to call her, the Pride of Pudha!

- Pudha, (mumbles).

- I've got a photograph of her somewhere, Pride of Pudha.

- I-I do not think I should peak at it,

man of the cloth and all.

- I wouldn't mind having a look!

(ladies chattering)

- Oh, how enchant!

It's perfect, just perfect!

What a remarkable improvement!

- Mmm, yeah. - Always rather neglected

before I felt.

- (laughs) Please take a look at the secret garden!

- Thank you! - Oh!

- Thank you so much

(birds cawing)

- Delightful little party, Mrs. Lucas!

- Ah, Major Benjy!

I'm just picking a small bouquet for Elizabeth

to take back to Greeb.

- Yes, she seems to have disappeared.

- I think she's looking over the rest of the house.

- I've not had a pow-wow with you for a long time senora.

- Then, I know I've been quite the hermit lately,

busy with dear Mallards' House.

- Mmm.

Yes, we've been busy too.

- Mmm. - Settling into Greeb.

How, how do you think Liz is looking Mrs. Lucas?

- Very well, exceedingly well.

All her old energy.

- True enough. - Umm, you see,

at one time we all thought--

- Yes, quite, quite.

And I've seen the laugh of the gods.

Do you mind?

May I? - Oh oh oh yes, please do.

- Marvelous woman ain't she?

Put it all behind her!

Extremely sensitive, highly strung, concert pitch!

If anything annoys Elizabeth Mapp-Flint,

that's enough for Major B, the late of his Majesties

India forces, god rest him.

That business of the town council?

- All over and done with.

- Sherry, Madam.

- No, thank you, I think we've all had sufficient.

- So dry, so sweet, just a tumble full, thimbler full.

This all adds up for you now.

Twice two and four if you see what I mean Miss Lucas.

- Mmm, I don't think you have any cause to be worried.

- There's no more symptomatic woman

in all Tillings, Miss Lucas.

It's a thousand pities the two of you

don't always see eye to eye,

it goes to my heart, anxious work.

- Mmm, but um, you've settled into Greeb, I hope?

- Um, suits me down to the ground, Mrs. Lucas.

- Ah (laughs)! - Nearer the club,

golf course, plenty of fresh air!

- Oh, good!

- She hates it!

- What?

- Hates it, Mrs. Lucas.

- Oh? - Mm!

Mum's the word!

- Oh! - Gives her the hump!

Nothing to squint at but sheep and seagulls out the window.

- Benjamin! - Um yes yes yes!

- We're going home now come along!

- Um Mrs. Lucas and I are just having a, a--

- Yes but you've had quite enough excitement

for one evening and certainly enough.

Such a lovely housewarming Lulu,

but now we must drag ourselves away.

- You came by taxi of course?

- Yes but I think we'll walk home, do us good.

- Well I could ask Cadman, to run you home in the Rolls?

- Wouldn't dream of it!

Tramp will do us good!

- She went for a tramp in the woods but he got away!

- So (speaking foreign language)!

- Are you sure, you wouldn't like

something more to eat, a tiny sandwich, anchovies?

- Certain thank you.

Benjy! - Fair play's a jewel!

I want my tummy sandwich!

- Benjy, I'm waiting for you!

(speaking foreign language)

(somber piano music)

No no, Georgie, play on!

My Benjy boy tells me it's time to go home.

- I want a tummy sandwich.

- Ach, the poor wee man he,

a little the worse for wear I fear.

- Georgie?

Did I hear you attempting the moonlight?

- By special request.

- I think I'm right to say,

that Elizabeth's deception would drive any

self-respecting husband--

- Yes yes my dear quite so, agreed.

- Now come come we must all be tolerant,

we all have our ups and downs.

- I was saying to Georgie the other day

how marvelous Aristophanes is, wasn't I, Georgie?

- Yes yes, yes she was, yes.

- In one of his plays, a dear kind creature of a woman--

- Not Mapp, certainly.

- Be quiet, Irene.

She'd persuaded her friends,

that she was going to have a baby.

- And? - In the end, and um,

I won't quote the Greek to you,

it's really not translatable but,

roughly it means it proved to be a wind egg.

(faint chuckling)

- Ah well, I must away.

Many thanks for the hospitality, Mistress Lucas.

- Oh, thank you for coming dear Padre.

And soon, we must talk about the repairs

to the church organ, to which,

I would like to make a contribution.

- Ah, anytime, anytime!

Good evening!

- Wonderful phrase, so concise.

Wind egg.

(unsteady cheerful music)

- Driving license please!

- My god I nearly ran you over!

- I'll see your driving license please!

- Well who are you?

- Plainclothes police officer on point duty.

- What are you doing here when there's a

perfectly good constable over there!

- What?

Where? - There!

- What you mean those two chaps?

- Now now now what's all this then?

- You may well ask!

- Evening Major Mapp-Flint.

On your way home? - In a manner of speaking.

But this chappy here, speeding, hmph!

Citizen's arrest!

- Thank you sir, now perhaps you'll let me take charge?

- Very good!

Carry on!

-[Elizabeth] Benjy!

- I think I saw your wife sir, going that way.

- Ah.

(mumbling)

♫ But why take a hint from the morning

(clattering) Oh, ah (grunting),

it's all right, it's all right!

♫ And

♫ And why take a hint from

♫ Tomorrow

♫ You're queen of my heart

♫ To-night

Sorry, sorry, I'll just get, a little nightcap, that's all.

(thumping)

Ah! (thumping)

Did you see that?

It attacked me.

I shall fix it.

- Benjy no!

(gun firing)

-[Benjy] Take that!

- Madam?

(screaming)

- Yes Withers what is it?

- (stammers) I-I thought, I,

i-is everything all right Madam?

- Thank you Withers, nothing more for tonight.

- Good god, it's the Pride of Pudha!

(sighing)

- Nothing more for tonight Withers, thank you.

- Y-Yes Madam!

(pleasant orchestra music)

("Mapp & Lucia" theme music)