Original subtitles

(pleasant music)

(applause)

(birds chirping)

- Arise, Sir Francis.

(applause)

(applause)

(beam cracks)

(audience gasps)

(splash)

(splashing)

(processional music)

Zooms and zooks!

Thus will they serve the damned galleons of Spain!

(applause and cheering)

- Yay! Yay!

(gasping)

- I come in haste from Plymouth!

The Spanish Armada has sailed!

The Spaniards are sailin' towards our shores!

(applause)

(cheering)

(cheering and applause)

- We have been persuaded by some

that are careful of our safety

to take heed how we commit ourselves

to armed multitudes for fear of treachery!

But I assure you,

I do not desire to live in distrust

of my faithful and loving people.

I know I have but the body

of a weak and feeble woman.

- No!

- But I

have the heart

and stomach

of a prince!

- Yay!

- And of a prince of England!

And think it foul scorn

that Spain or any prince of Europe

should dare invade the borders

of my realm!

- Hooray!

(band music)

- Mrs. Lucas insisted that all the credit was due

to Mrs. Drake, who had organized the whole thing

and had done all the speed work.

Well, that's very generous of you, Lucia.

- I'm glad to see that nobody believed it.

- Oh!

(laughing)

Look, look! Isn't that a photograph of Daisy?

- What a pity she moved.

- Oh, yes.

Do you know, I think the way you handled

the collapse of that ship was absolutely brilliant.

Well, as they say, you turned the whole thing

into a personal triumph.

- Poor cooks though.

- Oh.

- Drenched.

- They were, weren't they?

Daisy would've said,

"Oh, look, they've fallen into the water, we must stop."

(laughing)

Oh, we're so proud of you, Lucia.

- Dear Georgie!

All over now?

- All over now, yes.

- We're on our way to Tilling, Ruscombe, sojourn.

- Yes!

(adventurous music)

- You'll come to dinner, Georgie!

- I would, oh, yes I would, thank you very much.

Come along, Foljambe.

- Au reservoir, Georgie!

- No, don't be alarmed, Mr. Pillson, we're not staying.

- No, no!

- Just to welcome you and see you settled in.

- Oh, very kind.

- A few flowers to say, "Do you do."

- Oh, very kind.

Oh, this is my trusted Foljambe who looks after me.

- Do you do?

The kitchen is through there.

- Thank you, sir.

- And your room is at the end of the landing.

Upstairs.

- Thank you, ma'am.

- So, now we will leave you alone.

Oh.

My stupid servants.

- I beg your pardon?

- They seem so proud of it.

They graciously bestowed on me,

member of the British Empire.

- By the king!

For services to Tilling Hospital.

- Oh, well, congratulations!

- Where is my muff?

- I think I saw it over here, Mrs. Wyse.

- Thank you. - There.

Oh!

- We have heard of your skill at painting, Mr. Pillson.

Algernon and I are on the hanging committee

of our little local gallery.

I wonder if we might be favored by a work of your own?

- Oh, that's very kind.

I couldn't help noticing --

- Quite.

Rather good, isn't it?

Portrait by Scapillini of my sister, Amelia.

- The Contessa di Faraglione.

She lives in Naples now.

- Oh, of course, I can see the resemblance.

- We are hoping that she will pay us a visit this summer.

- Oh, we hear from Miss Mapp that you and Miss Lucas

speak excellent Italian.

- It'll be a pleasure to hear two, nay, three,

fluent tongues.

- Yes, yes, of course, a pleasure. Absolutely.

- Now, Algernon.

We really must leave Mr. Pillson

to his own devices.

- Absolutely.

Au reservoir,

as we say in Tilling.

-[Georgie] Oh, yes.

- My dear Mrs. Lucas, here you are at last!

- I said sometime this afternoon, Miss Mapp?

- Time in Tilling is not of the essence.

I couldn't rest in my mind 'til I knew

you had arrived safely.

- Most thoughtful.

- Your maid and your cook have already managed

to make themselves at home.

- Oh, we all martyrs to our servants.

- Tilling has been absolutely avid

in reading picture papers about the Riseholme fete.

What a triumph!

- Thank you.

Miss Mapp?

- Oh, please, please, call me Elizabeth.

- Of course!

And you must call me Lucia!

- Of course!

How dreadful all this publicity must be for you, dear.

I must shrink from it.

- Sweet of you to be so sympathetic, but...

It was my duty to help dear Riseholme,

I don't regard the consequences to myself.

- No, no. Of course not.

So public-spirited.

Well, I must be off to

dear Mrs. Plaistow's humble little house.

Don't hesitate to get in touch with me

if there's anything you need, anything at all.

- I'm sure I'll find everything in order.

- Then, au reservoir!

Just a little risible phrase I picked up a few years ago.

- From me, as it happens.

- Oh?

- Two years ago, when you visited Riseholme?

I had introduced the risible phrase.

- I bow to your superior memory, my dear.

Say, goodbye for the present.

- Hmm.

(sighs)

(sniffs)

Blumenfeld.

(playing sour notes)

Oh.

Yes, Cadman?

- Everything is in its place, madam.

- Thank you.

I hope you'll be comfortable here.

- Oh, I'm sure I shall be, ma'am.

I... I wonder if I could have a word with you, madam.

- Of course.

- Well, ma'am, it's... Mr. Georgie's Foljambe.

We're thinkin' of gettin' married!

- I guessed something of the sort was in the air.

- Trouble is, that Doris... I mean, Foljambe...

Don't think she can bring herself to tell Mr. Georgie.

Yet she don't want him to find out casual-like.

- When do you plan to get married?

- Oh, not 'til after we get back to Riseholme, ma'am.

So that will give Mr. Georgie two months to get suited.

- Yeah. Of course.

- Foljambe says you're the only one

that'll make him see it in the right light.

- Very well, Cadman, I'll do what I can.

Mr. Georgie is dining here this evening.

- Thank you very much, I'm sure, ma'am.

- Blumenfeld.

(birds chirping)

Good afternoon.

You must be Coplen.

- Coplen, ma'am, aye. Coplen.

- Miss Mapp will have told you that you are working for me

these next two months.

- Ah-har!

- There seem to be a great number of weeds

in the flowerbeds.

- That there be, ma'am.

- And the grass is overlong, surely.

- Arr.

- So. We must have a little chat very soon.

- Whenever you say, ma'am.

- Where exactly are you taking that wheelbarrow?

- Twistevant's.

- Twis...

- The green grocer!

Up the House Street!

- Mm.

(sighs)

- Mr. Pillson, ma'am.

- Thank you, Grosvenor.

- Good evening, Georgie!

- Oh, yes, very chic!

And I see, we think alike, not dressed,

like the first night out on board ship.

- Georgino, before we go a step further,

I insist you try Miss Mapp's piano.

- Oh! The famous Blumenfeld!

- Exactly!

Upon which we are to play our Mozartino duets.

- Now --

- No, not another word. Sit.

(laughs)

(plays sour notes)

- Mio dio.

- And mamma mia. Exactly.

- What are we going to do?

- I shall hire one from Brighton.

- But where will you put this hurdy-gurdy?

- Push it somewhere else.

There's a sort of telephone room-come-study across the hall.

- Ooh! My dear, not a very good beginning.

- No.

I can see one or two problems arising.

- None that will defeat you, I'm sure.

- We shall see what we shall see.

(both laughing)

- Oh, I can't tell you how cozy we are at the cottage.

- Georgino, before we go a step further,

I've got something to tell you.

- Ooh, I'm sure I shall like it.

- No. You won't like it at all.

- Some... some...

Something about Foljambe?

- Yes.

She and Cadman are going to be married.

- Oh, my God! When?

- Not 'til we get back to Riseholme.

- Oh my God!

This is the most dreadful thing that's ever happened to me!

- Now, Geo -- - She's been with me

for 15 years!

I didn't think she could be so selfish.

- My dear, you can get another parlormaid.

- Well, if it comes to that, Cadman can get another wife!

Oh, my God.

You'll miss Cadman, too.

- Why should Cadman leave me?

He said nothing about it.

- Well, perhaps Foljambe doesn't need to leave me!

- Oh! Georgino mio, she'll have to look after his house

during the day.

And then at night, he'd...

He'd like her to be there.

- Oh! And to think I've left her 500 pounds in my will.

Now I shall have to add a codicil,

"If still in my employ!"

- But after you're dead, Georgie,

you won't miss the 500 pounds.

- I've a good mind to go and live in an hotel.

- My dear.

The front door was on the latch.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Pillson, and welcome to Tilling.

- Very kind.

- The door was on the latch,

and I have forgotten to remove my hot water bottle.

The nights can be quite chilly when it's high tide,

even in the summer.

No, don't put yourself out,

I can find it quite easily if I rummage around a bit.

Do forgive me.

-[Georgie] Yes, yes, yes.

- That sort of thing cannot go on for very long.

She should ring the front doorbell

and wait for Grosvenor.

- Foljambe.

I just can't believe it.

- Georgie, I've got an idea!

Suppose back in Riseholme, Foljambe came to your house

at, say, 9:00 every morning and stayed 'til after dinner?

- Well...

- You often dine out.

And on those nights, she could get away earlier.

- Well...

- Of course, you'd have to give them a charwoman

to do the housework.

- Anything she wants,

if only she'll look after me as before.

Of course, I realize there'll be periods

when she has to be away, but...

She's rather too old for that, don't you think?

Babies?

Well, no matter.

Now, shall I congratulate her warmly?

No.

I think I'll be very cold and not talk to her at all.

She'd hate that, and might promise anything

to see me less unhappy.

- Or, it might make her marry Cadman on the spot

in order to have done with you.

- Oh, you may be right.

(sighs)

I'll never manage to call her Cadman.

She must keep her maiden name, like an actress.

- So sorry.

I must've removed the hot water bottle after all.

But I found this dear little sewing box

full of silver thimbles.

- Oh, how charming!

- So now I really am off.

Au reservoir!

- This darting in and out cannot go on.

- And does this mean war, Lucia?

- No,

Georgino mio.

Not yet.

(regal music)

(piano music)

Mm.

(birds chirping)

- Good morning, good morning, dear lady!

- Major Flint. Off to the links, I see?

- Ah!

Off seeking the muses, I see.

(laughs)

- Which reminds me.

I know how busy you are,

but would you care to dine a casa mia

this Wednesday week?

- Dinner. Good gracious!

- Does Tilling not dine?

- Oh, certainly, Mrs. Lucas.

Of course, but tea is our customary social entertainment.

- Then we must change a few usual things,

don't you think?

- Wednesday week.

By Jove, I think I can.

Yes, I can!

Delighted!

- I shall ask Mr. Pillson, and perhaps... uh...

- Er... Miss Mapp?

- Possibly.

Don't you think... it might be a trifle upsetting for her?

A guest in her own house?

- Possibly.

Yes. Yes.

- I thought.

Mrs. Plaistow?

- Dear Diva, how delightful!

- Shall we say, 8 o'clock?

- Eight pippy mum, without fail, on the dot.

- And a tiny rubber of bridge to follow?

- Delightful!

Thank you.

- Au reservoir!

- Au... reservoir.

(jaunty music)

- Morning!

- Morning, ma'am!

- I want you to cut the lawn today.

- Sorry, ma'am. Can't find the time today.

- I beg your pardon?

- Might get a man in to do it.

- No.

You get a man to do whatever you're doing.

- And Miss Mapp.

She wants me to manure the strawberry beds today.

- But what has Miss Mapp to do with it?

You are in my employ.

- Seems fair, ma'am.

- Very well.

- Still.

My orders is to go to Miss Mapp of a mornin',

and she tells me what she wants done.

- In future, you will come to me of a morning

and see what I want done.

Leave those baskets and start on the lawn at once.

No strawberry bed should be manured today or any other day

until the garden looks less like a tramp

who hasn't shaved for a month.

(exhales)

(bright piano music)

- Oh dear, oh dear, it's me again.

- Good gracious, you gave me quite a start.

- So sorry to interrupt your sweet music, Lucia mia.

But... the Blumenfeld!

- It didn't respond to my touch.

- But it belonged to my mother, and her mother before her.

- I have no reason to doubt it, dear.

- But where is it?

- I had it moved into the telephone room.

- Well then, how will you get to the telephone?

- Oh! Just enough room for me to squeeze by.

I do calisthenics, you know.

- Anyhow that isn't what I popped in about --

- I think it best if you didn't pop in,

Elizabeth dear, without the customary courtesies,

a telephone call or a ring at the front doorbell.

- Yes, of course, I'll have to remember.

But I've really come round about a little misunderstanding.

So much better to carry it off at once, so I came instantly,

though rather rushed.

My good Coplen has come to me in great perplexity.

- Oh, yes?

- I'm sure he misunderstood what you said

to him this morning.

- I can't think how.

He told me he had no time to mow the lawn today,

as he had to manure your strawberry beds.

- Exactly.

- I said, "The lawn at once," or words to that effect.

I think he hadn't grasped that for the time being,

he is in my employ.

- But my garden produce, dear Lulu.

What use is it to me if it is left to rot

until the wasps and slugs get at it?

- No doubt, but what of the use of Coplen to me,

who pay his wages, if he spends his entire time

on your garden produce to which I have no access?

- Well, that was part of our agreement, dear.

- I don't deny that, but...

I pay for his time.

And I intend to have it.

- Lulu.

Anything is better than that you and I

should have a misunderstanding, such a dear as you are.

There.

I yield.

If you can spare Coplen for an hour each morning, no more,

to take my little fruits and vegetables

down to Twistevant's.

Such a great name, isn't it?

- Quite impossible, I'm afraid.

Dear Elizabeth, Coplen has been

neglecting the flower garden dreadfully.

You must find someone else to do that.

- Precious one.

It shall be exactly as you wish.

Now, I must run away.

Oh!

While I think of it,

I suppose you're not free to dine with me next Wednesday?

I could ask Major Benjy to join us.

He raves about you.

Wicked woman, stealing all the hearts of Tilling.

- Sweet of you, Elizabeth dear!

I am giving a tiny party of my own that evening.

Just one or two popping in.

- Are you really?

One or two?

Dinner?

What a pity.

Another time, perhaps?

- Yes, perhaps.

Au reservoir.

(smooches)

(bright piano music)

- Well, isn't it?

- Oh, Georgie.

Of course she knew about my little dinner party!

One can't keep that sort of thing secret in Tilling

any more than one can in Riseholme.

She was simply waiting to be asked.

- And you 'vite her?

- My dear, what do you take me for?

No.

Every now and then, a gentle slap on the wrist.

Thank you, Grosvenor.

- Madam.

- Oh, by the way, Grosvenor,

in future, will you always put the chain on the front door?

- Well, I always do at night, madam.

- I know.

But I want it on during the day as well.

- Very good, madam.

- This must mean war.

(giggles)

- Not in the least, Georgie.

A benevolent neutrality until she learns sense.

- Mm-hmm.

Well, my news is good.

Foljambe has agreed to stay on after they're married.

- Georgie!

What wonderful news!

So we can all enjoy tonight.

- Oh, let's!

Oh, there she is!

- Mrs. Plaistow, my dear!

How nice of you to come to my first little dinner party!

- How nice of you to ask me!

Mr. Pillson.

- Evening, Mrs. Plaistow.

- Please, sit down

and have an aperitivo.

- Should I?

I don't think I should, should I?

- Well --

- Oh, very well.

(all laughing)

Such fun.

- Yes, Major Flint will be joining us shortly.

I hope we all eat lobster?

- Oh, lobster a'la Riseholme, is it?

- One of my little specialities.

- Oh!

- It's scrumptious, Mrs. Plaistow.

- Oh, I'm sure we do.

- Cherry?

- Yes, please.

- Here we are.

- Living so close to the sea.

- Yeah.

- Your good health.

(silverware clattering loudly)

- Mm.

Well.

All I can say is,

Quai-hai!

I know, I know it's not considered polite

to comment on the hostess's dinner, but that was...

- Delicious as always.

- May we know its secret?

- Just lobster.

A dash of this, and a dab of that.

A recipe that my great-aunt discovered in Normandy.

I know how fond dear Godiva is of fresh figs.

- But how did you know?

- I consider it my duty to find out

the likes and dislikes of my guests.

- Molto gracioso.

- Mon dieu, I find it a rather roundabout business

to buy these figs at Twistevant's

when I know they have been plucked in the garden here.

(coughs)

- But surely Elizabeth includes garden produce?

- Oh, no, dear.

Just flowers for the house.

She sells the fruit and vegetables to Twistevant's.

- But I've let my house to her and included garden produce

because I thought she gave you hers!

- No, dear.

Just flowers.

- So she's selling yours and eating mine.

(clears throat)

- But I gather it was all agreed.

- Yes.

And I like her so much.

What do a few figs matter?

- Mm.

(sniffs)

You don't give a fig, eh?

Eh, eh?

Don't give a fig!

- They are delicious.

- Steady on!

I mean, she's got my house with fruit and vegetables

for eight guineas a week,

and she lets hers without them for 12.

- No, dear.

I pay 15.

- 15!

- Oh, she told me.

What's wrong with that?

All's fair in love and war.

- But it's down in Woolgar's books at 12.

- Dear Elizabeth.

So glad

she was sharp enough to get a few more guineas.

- Astute businesswoman.

- And now,

how about a jolly little rubber of bridge?

-[Georgie] Oh, what a good idea!

(laughs)

- Come along.

I have some special nougat for you, Godiva.

Don't be too long, gentlemen.

- Well, Major.

Would you like a...

A glass of port?

- Ah, if it's all the same to you, old man, I'd...

I'd sooner have a chota-peg.

- Chota-peg...

- Shall I help myself?

- Yes, I'm sure that would be in order.

- Oh.

- Oh!

- Mm-hm.

Oh, good lead, partner.

- Oh.

-[Godiva] Yes!

-[Major Benjy] Ha!

- Oh!

Dear, oh dear.

- Oh dear, I do believe the Major and I have...

I do believe we've...

- Yes, I am the loser.

No matter.

I have never bought experience so cheaply!

- Congratulations to you both.

- Congratulations.

Another drink, Major?

- Ooh, that's uncommonly civil of you, madam.

- Georgie! I, er...

- A chota-peg, Major?

- Very kind.

- This really has been the most agreeable evening of bridge.

- A great pleasure.

- When I think of the scoldings I've had in this very room

from you-know-who, and the friction there's been...

Well, Major Flint will support me.

- Oh, come, come, Mrs. Plaistow, charity.

Elizabeth Mapp is a forceful character, thank you.

But none the worse for that.

- Oh, well.

I do believe there are some men who enjoy

playing second fiddle.

(clock chimes)

Good heavens, look at the time!

We must go.

- My dear.

The night is still young.

Is there any nougat left, Georgie?

(all laughing)

- As I said to Mrs. Lucas,

a wonderful evening of bridge and a dinner!

A dish of lobster the like of which --

- Aye, so I heard from Mrs. Plaistow.

All honor to our new acquisition.

- Mm-hm.

- Well, that's the situation of her garden produce.

As for me, I shall refuse to buy my fruit and vegetables

from the Twistevants.

What Elizabeth has done is more than unlawful.

It's underhand!

- Well I daresay, the subject will come up tonight.

- Tonight?

- Algernon and I are dining with Mrs. Lucas.

- We pride ourselves on having our own...

- I hear from our friend, Miss Mapp,

that you speak the most fluent Italian.

- Oh?

Que bella lingua?

- Bella!

- (speaking foreign language)

- Thank you, Mr. Pillson.

You'll have a chance soon to speak plenty of Italian.

- My sister Amelia is coming to stay!

- The Contessa di Firaglione.

- We can soon look forward to a veritable feast of Italian!

- How delightful!

Georgie, we shall have to brush up on our Italian.

- (speaking foreign language)

Absolutely.

- Oh, not that you'll have much need of that, I imagine.

Thank you, Mr. Pillson.

- We have heard a great deal about your Elizabethan fete

in Riseholme.

Such a success.

- We did our best.

- How we need somebody in Tilling

to organize schemes like that.

My wife does what she can, of course, but...

- Our hospital is still desperately in need of funds.

- We've been discussing the possibility

of holding a garden get-together, or what you will.

Oh, nothing as grand as your Elizabethan do, of course.

- Tableau vivant, that sort of thing.

- Half a crown a time, entry.

- My services are entirely at your disposal, my dear.

Thank you, Georgie.

- Sorry.

- Anything I can do to help.

The garden here, for instance.

Would that be a suitable venue for what you have in mind?

- The ideal spot!

All Tilling would flock here at your bidding.

Permission has never been granted by Miss Mapp,

however admirable the cause.

- Your Scottish stories, Padre,

I can never hear them too often.

- Well, I'll maybe just fill in the wee pauses,

between the tableaux.

- And Mrs. Plaistow's so comical.

The seasick passenger in the Orient!

- Ha! Oranges, not too many to be had.

- Perhaps she could manage with a tomato.

Well, it is a possibility.

- Not quite the same.

-[Mrs. Wyse] No, I suppose not...

- And of course, Quaint Irene is a first-rate mimic.

A Boy Stood on the Burning Deck.

- Perfect.

- Perhaps you would read a phrase or two

from your Indian diary?

- Phrase or two?

- I mean, a page or two.

- Yes.

Under the famous fig tree, perhaps.

- Yeah.

- So good for our drawing.

Yes, hm.

- In Riseholme, of course,

we did nothing but cats and trees, did we?

- I'm worried about that crooked chimney on your house.

- Are you?

- Mm.

I think I shall put it straight.

- If you think that's a good idea.

- People might think I did it by accident.

- Why not make it more crooked?

Then there'd be no doubt, would there?

- What a good idea!

(car horn honking)

- Oh, well you can't...

(car horn honking)

- Oh!

A thousand apologies!

I had no idea who it was.

- It's fine.

- May I glance?

- Well, certainly.

- Exquisite!

Our crooked chimney.

- Thank you.

- Mr. Pillson?

- With pleasure, Mr. Wyse.

- Our church! Wonderful!

I so look forward to their completion.

Au reservoir!

- Au reservoir!

- Au reservoir!

- Thank you very much.

- Drive round the other way.

- How quickly it's coming together.

Mr. and Mrs. Wyse should form a garden party committee

as soon as possible.

(chain breaks)

- Good heavens!

Whatever can that be?

- We shall see what we shall see.

(knocking on door)

- May I come in, dear?

- Of course.

Elizabeth, dear.

- And the padre, good afternoon.

- God be wi' ye, Mistress Mapp.

Well, I must awa'.

Me Sunday sermon, ye ken.

Au reservoir, Mistress Lucas.

Mistress Mapp.

- Lulu dear, such a stupid accident,

I gave the door a teeny little push.

- We heard something of the sort.

- Your servants had forgotten to take the chain off.

- But... didn't Grosvenor answer the door when you rang?

- Forgot, dear, forgot.

Didn't want to trouble her.

You and I, such friends.

So difficult to remember I'd let Mallard's.

Several things I want to talk about.

- Let me see, Grosvenor.

- The hasp must have been rusted, my fault.

- No sign of rust that I can see.

Grosvenor, go at once to the iron monger

and get them to come and repair it.

- Yes, ma'am.

- You see, in Tilling, we all keep our doors on the latch

so the fact that it wasn't took me by surprise.

- But you didn't come to speak to me about locks and doors,

I am sure, even if forced open.

- No.

I wanted to ask you a favor.

You possibly know that I am president of the art society.

- No.

But I'm not at all surprised.

So many of your little pictures on the walls here.

- Mr. Wyse is treasurer and Mrs. Wyse, secretary.

Every year we invite Tillingites to submit their work.

- Most worthy!

- May we beg you to let us have a little something

for our piccy exhibition?

- But I'm not a Tillingite, dear Elizabeth.

- Not strictly speaking, dear, no.

But we have taken you to our hearts, pro tem,

and vice versa, I hope.

- Then it would be churlish of me to refuse.

- Bravo.

Though how you find time for everything beats me.

Your sweet music, your bridge, your calisthenics,

your dinner parties night after night --

- I hope you've asked Mr. Pillson

to submit one of his masterly watercolors.

- We have, indeed.

When I say "we," I refer, of course,

to the hanging committee, Mr. and Mrs. Wyse and myself.

Three is enough for a committee, don't you think?

- That's what I always say.

- Good.

Well.

I will take myself off.

Oh...

There is just one other little thing.

- Yes, dear?

- I'm sure it's just tittle-tattle,

but I have heard a little gossip

about a garden get-together, whatever that may be...

Labor hospital, to be held here.

In my garden, of all places.

- So?

- I thought it best if I heard from your own lips

that there's no foundation to the rumor.

- Oh! But there is, Elizabeth dear,

every foundation, as you put it.

Nothing elaborate, mind you.

A few tableaux vivants, some recitations, madrigals.

That sort of thing.

- I'm sorry, dear one, but I cannot possibly permit it.

The ragtag and bobtail of Tilling passing through my house,

tramping on my flowerbeds, ruining the carpets.

- The price of admission will be half a crown.

All the doors to the rooms will be locked,

and I'm sure nobody in Tilling would be so ill-bred

as to force them open.

And why should anybody

want to trample on your flowerbeds?

Especially as Coplen has finally put them in order.

- Perhaps you would like to hire a menagerie!

A tableau vivant of tigers and sharks in the living room!

- But that would mean half the room turned into a water tank

and the other half full of horseflesh for the tigers.

No, I think not,

but thanks all the same for the suggestion.

- I say again, I will not have my home put in jeopardy --

- And I say again, that so long as I am the tenant here,

I shall ask who I please and when I please,

or do you expect me to send you a list of friends

I ask for dinner for your approval?

- My dear Lulu, of course you know --

- My dear Elizabeth.

I must beg of you,

not to call me Lulu.

Such a dreadful abbreviation.

How would you like to be called Liblib

or something like that?

(knocking on door)

Yes, Grosvenor, what is it?

- The iron monger is here, ma'am.

He says he'll have to put in extra-large screws,

seein' as how the others were pulled out.

- He must do whatever is called for to make the door safe.

- Very good, madam.

- I hope I have all permission to leave my own house.

- Of course, my dear.

How nice of you to pop in.

(sighs)

- Lucia!

I say, what's happened to the front door?

- Dear Elizabeth gave it such a biff

that the chain became unhinged!

- Oh!

- Oh, who was the more unhinged,

the chain or Elizabeth?

It was difficult to say.

- Well, I hope you gave her what for, did you?

- There were several matters she wanted to see me about.

First, she expects you and I to send a picture

for the Tilling art exhibition.

- Oh!

Well, there can't be any harm in that, surely.

- None at all.

I shall send my sketch of your cottage

with the crooked chimney.

- All right.

And I shall send my pastel of the church, shall I?

- Oh!

Then, she made it clear that she didn't approve

of our little garden get-together here.

In fact, she forbade me to allow it!

- And?

- Well,

we had a little chat about that.

-[Georgie] Well apparently,

there are half a dozen watercolors sent in by guess who?

Miss Mapp herself.

-[Lucia] No!

-[Georgie] Yes, and Mr. Wyse has contributed a still life

of a teacup and wallflower.

-[Lucia] And Mrs. Wyse?

-[Georgie] A portrait of the king of Italy.

-[Lucia] Ooh!

-[Georgie] Whom she saw at a great distance last spring.

All these, of course, following the precedent

of Burlington House, will be hung on the line

without dispute, because...

-[Lucia] The Wyses and Elizabeth are the hanging committee.

-[Georgie] Exactly!

And Quaint Irene has offered one at which Miss Mapp feels

the line must be drawn.

Women wrestlers.

-[Lucia] Although, Mr. Wyse will, no doubt,

commend it as very powerful.

-[Georgie] Oh, of course!

(both giggling)

- From the framemaker, miss.

Mr. Pillson and Mrs. Lucas.

- Thank you!

Yes.

(sniffs)

- I've persuaded my wee choir to sing madrigals

and catches at our get-together, Mistress Lucas.

- Oh, splendid, splendid!

- And I've one other suggestion to make.

- Of course, Padre!

- D'you think we should entertain the members

of the workhouse to tea?

Those that are not bedridden, of course.

- I think it's a splendid idea to give them a little treat.

- Aye!

Oh! Miss Coles.

And how's the time o' day wi' ye?

Mistress Lucas and myself are speakin'

of our wee get-together.

Now, you'll promise to render for us your,

The Boy Stood on the Burning Deck.

- The boy stood on the burning deck, Lulu,

whence all but he had fled, dear.

The flames that lit the battle's wrecks, sweet one,

shone round him o'er the deck.

- Oh, Mistress Mapp!

We're speakin' of our wee get-together.

What contribution would ye wish to make?

- I'm afraid I shall be too busy to participate, Padre.

The art exhibition, you know.

- You'll supply a muckle of fruit for the refreshment tent?

- Much as I should love to, Padre, dear,

I'm afraid it's impossible.

I have contracted all my garden produce to Mr. Twistevant.

The fruit is no longer mine.

- Perhaps you could let the padre have some

from Diva's garden, unless you've sold that, too.

- Au reservoir.

Come along, Coplen.

- I mustnae stand daffin' here.

I've my sermon to think on.

- I'm afraid my wee recitation put the Mapp in the fire,

but yes, I'll do it at the wee get-together.

- Oh, good.

Come and have dinner one night soon.

- Yes, if I needn't dress,

and you'll send me home afterwards.

I'm half a mile out of town, and I may be tipsy.

Major Benjy says you've got jolly good booze.

Quai-hai the king, God bless him.

Bye!

- Good morning, Mr. Twistevant!

- Yes, madam.

- I'll take... six of Miss Mapp's greengages.

- Madam.

- If they're not overripe.

(cheerful music)

(knocking on door)

- Yes?

- Parcel, for Mr. Pillson.

- Thank you.

- Something for me, Foljambe?

- Yes, sir.

It's a sort of parcel.

- Parcel?

Oh!

(knocking on door)

- Parcel for Mrs. Lucas.

- Oh, thank you.

- What is it, Grosvenor?

- Parcel, madam.

It's for you.

- Whatever can it be?

(portentous music)

(doorbell rings)

Come in.

- Lucia? It's me.

- Uno memento!

- You too?

- Yes!

The hanging committee of the Tilling art gallery

sends cordial thanks for your submission.

It regrets that, owing to the limited space at its disposal,

it is not possible to exhibit your work of art.

- Exactly how mine is worded!

What are we going to do?

- I'll need a little time to decide.

- Only one thing, surely.

This means war!