All language subtitles for Mapp & Lucia Season 1, Episode 1 « The Village Fete » (itv 1985 UK) (ENG SUB ENG).en

(peaceful music)

- Excuse me, madame.

- Yes, Grosvenor, what is it?

- Mrs. Quantock on the telephone, ma'am.

She wishes if she may
come over for a moment.

- Oh dear, I do wish people
would leave me alone.

Tell her yes of course,
Grosvenor, in half an hour.

- Very good, madame.

(speaking in a foreign language)

-[Woman] Georgie, are you there?

- Hunt and botheration.

-[Woman] Georgie!

- Wait a minute, Daisy.

Oh.

(Daisy laughing)

How tiresome.

I'd gone through nine hoops,

and I miss quite an easy one.

I rather wish you hadn't
called me just then, Daisy.

- I just wanted to tell you, Georgie,

that Lucia's agreed to see me.

I'm going over to see
her right this minute.

- Well I wish you luck.

- I'm sure I can persuade her this time.

It's months now since her husband died.

She can't stay in
mourning forever, Georgie.

- She won't budge, Daisy.

Even I haven't succeeded.

- I'll let you know how I get on.

Oh, don't forget that you and I have

got to practice the knighting
of Sir Francis Drake.

- Oh practice on the
arm of the sofa, Daisy.

I shall have no shoulder left.

Oh, fudge.

(light music)

- Ahem, this is Mrs. Quantock speaking.

Now look here, you chaps, my Elizabethan

fete is not very far away, and I don't see

many of you working very hard.

(man grumbling)

What was that, Overton?

- I just said particularly
nasty weather, ma'am.

- That's not what it sounded like to me.

Now, it's a lovely day,
and insolence will not

get the Golden Hind built, now will it?

- No, ma'am.

- Then get on with it, please.

(doorbell ringing)

- Mrs. Quantock, ma'am.

- Dear Daisy, how very pleasant.

It's been such a long time.

-[Daisy] Well we all know
you haven't been up to it.

- What was that, dear?

- Well since Pepino's
passing, nine months.

- Daisy dear, you didn't come here to talk

about my late husband.

- No, no.

So I'll come straight to the point.

- Always best, don't you think?

Do sit down,

for a minute.

- Thank you.

Now, we all know that the
idea for the Elizabethan

fete was yours in the first place.

- Mea culpa.

- What was that, dear?

- Italian, I cannot deny it.

- Queen Elizabeth's
visit to the Golden Hind,

I mean, all your idea.

- Is Georgie still going
to be Sir Francis Drake?

- Not yet knighted.

- What was that, dear?

- Not yet knighted till this bit.

- What bit is that, dear?

- Queen Elizabeth went down to Deptford

to the Golden Hind in order to knight him.

- Of course, Daisy, we all know that.

- Well, when I was elected
to take your place, I--

- What better choice, Daisy dear?

- Thank you, Lucia.

But since you're so recovered,
couldn't we persuade

you, as Pepino would have put it, to

come amongst us again?

And such a fillip you'd
give the whole thing.

- Daisy dear, I don't think I could face

coming out of my own
house in silks and jewels

and leading the procession
without my Pepino,

my Raleigh, by my side.

- Oh, but Lucia dear--

- Although um perhaps I
should make an effort.

- Oh, we wouldn't have thought of asking

you to play Queen Elizabeth, I mean,

under the circumstances, it would be

far too great a strain on you.

- How kind.

- Oh no, we were thinking of asking you

to play Drake's wife.

She just comes forward for a moment,

makes her curtsy to the Queen

and then walks slowly backwards.

- Walks backwards?

- Well into a chorus of ladies in waiting

and halberdiers and such things.

- Mm, sweet of you to
suggest it, Daisy dear,

but quite too much for me.

Backwards.

Let me see, what historical character

are you to represent?

- (laughing) Well, they've all insisted

that I should play the queen.

- Who is they, dear?

- The committee, of course, dear.

- Of course, and of course
you can, uh, manage it?

- Oh yes.

We've already elaborated the scene

on the Golden Hind quite a bit.

- Elaborated?

How interesting.

- Yes, we're going to have a
fire on the poop of the ship.

Or is it the prow?

- Depends which end of
the ship you mean, dear.

- Well the behind bit, the stern.

That's the poop isn't it?

We're going to have a
fire, and we're going

to roast a sheep on it.

- I wouldn't.

Half of it will the
cinders and the rest blood.

- (laughing) No, no, we'll roast it first

at the Ambermere Arms and then just hang

it over the fire at the Golden Hind.

- Oh, (laughing) of course, just to get

a little kippered in the smoke?

- And then I knight Drake.

That's Georgie, of course.

Then I sneak away into the inn to change

into my riding habit.

And then I sally forth
on my white palfrey.

- Ooh (speaking in foreign language)

Daisy, where have you
found a white palfrey?

- Mr. Beresford.

- Mr...?

- The milk cart.

- Oh of course, that
dear little white pony.

- Then I make my speech
to the troops at Tillbury.

- Oh dear, how far away it all seems.

- Oh, it won't always be so, dear.

Your joy in life will revive again.

- I doubt it at this rate.

- Must be off.
- Yeah.

- So sorry you feel you can't join us.

- Ooh, Mr. Beresford,
what a stroke of luck.

- Morning, ma'am.

- Now it is quite clear,
isn't it, the role

that you are to undertake
in my Elizabethan fete?

- To begin with, you'll be borrowin' my

Charlie here to be a bolfrey.

- A palfrey, quite so.

- Yeah, and then I'm to be dressed up

in some sort of trappings,
and when signaled to,

I'll goes down on one knee, and I've been

practicin', Mrs. Quantock.

And I cries out God save the king!

- Queen.

- Queen, Mrs. Quantock?

But he's the king now, George V.

- Yes, quite Mr. Beresford,
please do get up.

It's an Elizabethan
fete, and you're to ask

God to look after Queen Elizabeth.

- Oh, of course, Good Queen Bess.

- Exactly.

- God save the Queen!

- Yes, good morning, Mr. Beresford.

("Eine kleine Nachtmusik")

- Excuse me, Mr. Pillson, but you did ask

me to remind you when it had struck seven.

- Well it,

oh,

sorry, Faljambe.

Thank you so much.

I was quite carried away.

- I was wondering, sir,

seeing as you'll be out for the evening,

- Well I shan't be back late, you know.

- No, sir, but I was wondering if I might

step out for an hour or so?

- I don't see why not.

Yes, of course.
- Thank you, sir.

- Just for an hour or two, yes.

Oh dear.

Thank you, Faljambe.

Evening, Cadman.

- Evening, sir.

(humming)

- Good evening, Mr. Pillson.

- Oh, good evening, Grosvenor.

Yes, good evening, so sorry, I.

But I tell you I saw them.

Your Cadman and my Faljambe--

- But Georgie, even servants
have a right to a private life.

- Well of course, of course,

but if I were to lose her.

- Now let us cross that
(speaking in foreign language)

when we come to it.

- But who would darn my socks

or dust my peep--

- Now Georgie, I have ton
to ton to talk to you about.

- Oh Daisy this morning, I expect.

- Oh, that's non importa.

- Oh I wish you'd take the fete over again

and be the queen yourself.

- I shan't be here, Georgie
(speaking in foreign language).

- But where will you be?

- I caught sight of something
in the Times this morning.

Georgie here, look at this.

- Where?

"A delightful house to let for the months

"of July and August in the village

"of Tilling on Sea in Sussex."

But why, Lucia, why?

- Read on, Macduff.

- Uh.

- Mallards.

Doesn't that ring a bell?

- Yes, of course, Miss Mapp.

- Um hmm, she stayed here
at the Ambermere Arms

a few summers ago.

- That's right, Miss Mapp.

She came to my garden party.

- That's the one.

- That was the summer you invented saying

au reservoir instead of au revoir,

and she stole it and kept on using it.

- Georgie?

- Mm?
- Your memory's marvelous!

- Thank you.
- Now listen,

I want you to drive there with me tomorrow

to look at the house.

- Tilling must be nearly 100 miles away.

- Never mind, we'll spend
the night at an inn there.

- Ooh, but what about the fete?

- Now Georgie, be frank,

what have you been doing with yourself

since I have been, well,
out of circulation?

- Nothing very much.

I haven't sketched for months.

- Ooh, me's back again now

and will scold you very, very much.

- Me idle boy.

Ooh how nice it all is again.

- I need change, Georgie,

change of air, change of
scene, change of people.

- Oh, good, good news.

You're beginning to be alive again.

- Georgie, (speaking in foreign
language) before dinner?

- Yes, the greatest fun.

- There was a Mozart four-handed duet

we used to play.

Shall we wrestle with it again?

- Oh, but you mustn't
scold me if I play badly.

Months since I looked at it.

- Me too.

Shall I take the treble, Georgie?

A little easier on my poor fingers.

- Yes, of course.

- Well now (simpering).

Off to Tilling in the morning.

(speaking in foreign language)

("Eine Kleine Nachtmusik")

- Sorry.

♫ La da da da da da da da da da da da da

♫ La la la la la ♫

How perfectly enchanting.

- Lovely subjects for my brushes.

- I feel at home already.

- I think I do, too.

- Cadman, pull up and we'll
ask where Mallards is.

- That's a good idea.
- Yes.

- Oh good day to you.

- Forgive me, I wonder if
you could tell me where--

- It be Miss Mapp's house you're seekin'.

It's straight up to the next corner,

turn right past the wee cock on the hill,

and it's right there is
Mistress Mapp's house.

- Very kind of you.
- Thank you, thank you

very much.
- Thank you so much.

- Drive on, Cadman.

- Thank you.

- How odd, he told me where the house was

before I even asked.

- Funny accent he had, didn't he?

- Mm, little tipsy I thought.

- Scotch, perhaps.

- Or both, perhaps.

- (laughing) Oh, Lucia.

(gentle music)

Oh Georgie, a dream.

- Oh, I wish I'd brought
my sketching tools.

- Ah, that wonderful chimney.

- Ooh, it's all crooked, isn't it?

- The cobbles with grass and dandelions

growing between them.

(gasping) The church tower!

Oh, my dear.
- Oh.

- Georgie, where's the front door?

- It...

Through here, I think, through the arch.

- It is, it is through here.

- Oh, how romantic.
- Come along my dear.

It's through here.

- Thank you, Cadman.

- Is Miss Mapp at home?

I think she is expecting me, Mrs. Lucas.

-[Servant] Oh please, step inside, madame.

Sir.

- Good day.

Thank you.

- Dear Mrs. Lucas, no
need for introductions.

- I hope you received my--

- How well I remember you
from your lovely Riseholme.

- I saw your advertisement--

- And Mr. Pillson, your
wonderful garden party.

Tea at once, Withers, please.

Do come in, this way.

- Perhaps my chauffeur.

- Your chauffeur, of course.

Mrs. Lucas's chauffeur, Withers,

mind you take care of him.

Such a long drive, but
what a heavenly day for it.

No, no, Mr. Pillson, you mustn't look

at my little daubs.

For I remember what a great
artist you are yourself.

- Oh but I hardly think--

- I got your telegram about an hour ago,

but I clapped my hands at the idea

of having such a tenant as
Mrs. Lucas of Riseholme.

Now, shall we take a
peep at the garden first?

- Oh yes.
- Yes, how nice.

- Very modest, 3/4 of an acre at most.

My little Eden I call it, so
small but so well beloved.

- Enchanting.

- Heat roses.

Oh look, tortoiseshell butterfly,

rather a nice day it is.

- In my garden at Riseholme--

- And here is my little secret garden.

When I'm out here, I mustn't be disturbed

for anything less than a telegram.

The tower of the church keeping watch,

I always say, over my little
nook and taking care of me.

Otherwise not overlooked at all.

- Georgie, isn't it sweet?

(speaking in foreign language)

- Oh how lovely to be able to speak

Italian like that.

Now, before tea, we've just got time

for a quick tour of the house.

So pleased you like my little

(speaking in foreign language) was it?

I must remember that beautiful phrase.

So, that's about it, as the saying goes.

- Perfect, just perfect.

- Yes, very, very charming.

- I am utterly charmed with the house,

and how much, I mean, what will you be

asking for the two months rental?

- 15 guineas a week.

That would include the use of my piano,

a rewarding instrument by Blumenfeld.

- Ah, not a make that
I am acquainted with.

- No, they are rather rare.

It belonged to my mother.

And of course, flowers for the house

would also be included.

- Miss Mapp, I will take the
house for the two months,

so comfortable (speaking
in foreign language).

- I'm sure you will be as pleased with it

as I shall be with my tenant.

(speaking in foreign language)

Of course, the 15 guineas a week would not

include the wages of my gardener, Coplan,

such a nice steady man.

- I understand.

- Nor garden produce, not the fruits.

- No?
- No, nor the vegetables.

- Oh really?

- No, I already have an
arrangement for their disposal.

And Withers has brought us our tea,

or how do we say it in Italy?

- Tea.

- Really?

Do sit down.

Now Mr. Pillson, be frank, would you fancy

a little whiskey and cider?

I shan't be shocked.

Major Benjy, I should say Major Flint,

often enjoys one on a hot
day, very old friend of mine.

- Thank you, Miss Mapp,
no, this is admirable.

- And Withers has picked
us some strawberries

from my little plot.

Such a year it's been for strawberries.

- Tell me, Miss Mapp,
who was the clergyman

who directed us to your house?

- Oh that would be our dear
padre, Reverend Bartlett.

- He's Scottish?

- Birmingham.

- I beg your pardon.

- He comes from Birmingham.

It's one of his little
foibles to speak like that,

but a very good bridge
player when he can spare

the time, which he usually can.

You play bridge, of course, Mrs. Lucas?

- I do indeed, and it has been said--

- I do so hope you will
both be comfortable

at the Trader's Arms.

I insisted on the best accommodation,

and you must meet our
little circle of friends,

dear Diva Plaistow, whom
we're all devoted to,

christened Godiva, such a handicap,

and Quaint Irene Coles,
devoted to her art,

paints strange pictures, men and women

with no clothes on.

One has to be careful to knock (laughing)

when one goes to see
Quaint Irene in her studio.

And Mrs. Wyse, MBE, and her husband,

sables and a Rolls Royce, and Mr. Wyse

wears a monocle.

Yes, it was very-- (upbeat music)

- I say, fancy wearing a fur coat

in the middle of summer.

- And a very good one, too.

- Yes, it was.

Mr. And Mrs. Wyse?

- Ah.

- (throat clearing) Excuse me.

- Sure, now what you want?

- Well, you're in the way.

- Terribly sorry, didn't see you.

- That's quite all right.

- Quite all right.

- Thank you, Cadman.

Oh Georgie, pink rooms,
absolutely delightful.

- I know who you are, you're Mrs. Lucas,

and that chap's Mr. Pillson.

- It seems the whole of
Tilling knows who we are.

- 'Bout Mapp's house, isn't it?

Summer rental.

- That's quite correct.

- I'm Irene Coles, known as Quaint Irene

by all and sundry.

- Well, how do you do?

- How do you do?

Georgie, (speaking in foreign language),

I shall go into the inn

and make sure of the reservations.

Cadman, see to the luggage, please.

-[Cadman] Yes, ma'am.

- Mr. Pillson is also an artist.

- Is he?

- Go along, Georgie.

- I must say, it's an absolutely wonderful

subject for the brush,
isn't it, the old inn?

- The inn isn't important.

- Sorry, I thought that must
be what you were depicting.

- Good God, no.

- May one be permitted
to glance at your work?

- Why not?

- That's very kind of you, thank you.

- Good, isn't it?

- Well it's very modern.

- Shows you what Maypoles are all about.

- No, no, no, impossible.

- But I understood a double
room for Mr. and Mrs. Lucas.

- No.

I am Mrs. Lucas, and my
friend is Mr. Pillson.

- Well, I'm known as bein' as broad-minded

as the next person, so
least said, soon as mended.

- I have never heard any.

A double room is out of the question.

- So you'll be wantin' two single rooms?

- Certainly, two single rooms.

- I'm sure that can be managed at a pinch.

- Everything in order is it?

- Yes, Georgie, everything.

- Just a silly mixup,
Mr. Lucas, I mean Mr. Uh,

- Pillson.

- You see I thought as
you were man and wife.

- Oh good heavens, no.

- Yes, please have the
cases taken up to the rooms.

Mr. Pillson and I want
to see more of the town

while it is still light.

Come along, Georgie.

- Charming.

- Thank you.
- Thank you very much.

(gentle music)

Oh, it smells (drowned out by music).

Oh look it's a skiff.

Perhaps we could go for an excursion.

- Yes, wouldn't that be nice?

Very embarrassing.

- Embarrassing, what do you mean?

- Thinking we were man and wife.

- Yes, yes, absolutely.

- On the other hand, I
suppose one could say

it was a natural mistake.

- Oh yes, absolutely
natural, yes, of course.

- Anyhow, no harm done.

- No, no, no, no harm done, none at all.

What on earth will I do in Riseholme

while you're here?

- Francis Drake.

- Yes.

Nobody to play duets with,

nothing new to skip.

Oh.

- Oh.

- How perfectly fascinating.

- Most attractive.

(laughing)

- (speaking in foreign language) cozy.

- The very thing.

Just across the road from Mallards.

- Yes, I know.

- Georgie.

- Um hmm.

- Georgie.
- Yes.

- Whatever can that be?

- Whatever can what be?

- A handkerchief being waved.

- Some sort of signal.

- Don't look now.
- No.

- Just walk away.

- Yes.

- Any luck?

- I think I shall tease you both.

- No point.

We can tell from your face you've let it

or it'd be all hoary pursed up.

- Now, Quaint Irene, if
you know I've let it,

why bother to come?

- Because I was hoping for a cocktail,

and because we want to know the price

you screwed her up to.

- The price I--

- What's she gonna pay ya?

- The damage.
- The digs.

- You were going to ask 12 guineas.

- Mrs. Lucas closed instantly
with the price I suggested.

- But what price, Mapp?

- I'm not sure, Diva, that
that's any business of yours.

- Now wait a minute, Mapp.

It was agreed weeks ago that if you let

Mallards, you would take Diva's house

at eight guineas a week.

- That's right.

- Quite so.

- And she would take mine at five,

I would take my friend the
lobster fisherman's cottage

for two, and he would
take some sort of shanty

on the dunes for no rent at all.

- None of this is disputed Quaint Irene.

- If you got more than 12
guineas from Mrs. Lucas,

then going down the ladder, it ought to be

on a sliding scale.

- I don't remember that
ever being mentioned.

- If you've made her pay through the nose,

then Diva here should make
you pay through the nose,

and me Diva for mine.

Equality, fraternity and noseality.

(peppy music)

- Thank you, dear, sweet music.

- Are you charging Lucas extra for use

of a fine old instrument?

- No, darling, I am not.

- Ooh well, if that's
all you've got to say,

and I don't get a cocktail, I'll be off

to cook my supper.

Drop in at my studio tomorrow if you

want to see far the greater
part of a well-made man.

Au reservoir.

- Poor Irene, very coarse side
to her nature, I'm afraid.

Such a contrast to dear Mrs. Lucas.

- Who's the man with her?

- A Mr. Pillson.

They're staying at the
Trader's Arms tonight

and go back to Riseholme tomorrow.

- What, staying together?

- Diva dear, old friends though we are,

I should be sorry to
have a mind like yours.

- I only meant that it was rather a daring

thing to do, Elizabeth.

Anything more came from
your mind, not mine.

- I accept your apology, Diva.

- But I haven't apologized, and I won't!

It's for you to do that.

- Pickie, dear?

- No, no, no, no, easiest
thing in the world.

I'll show you what I mean.

Stand up.

First of all, on the
backswing, keep that--

- Good evening.

- It tis, tisn't, it must
be Mr. and Mrs. Lucas.

My name is Flint, Major
Flint, and this is Mr. Wyse,

golfers two are we.

- There's a slight error, sir.

This is Mrs. Lucas.

- Did I not just pronouce that?

- But my name is Pillson.

- Good lord, you don't say.

Oh dear, oh dear.

Have I put my foot in it?

- A foolish mistake on
the part of the hotel.

- No matter, charmed to make
both your acquaintances.

Mrs. Lucas, Mr. Pillson,

of Riseholme, I believe.

- Please, join us for
a preprandial aperitif.

- Oh.

- Too kind.

Georgie, you know (speaking
in foreign language)?

- Yes, it's too kind.

- Mrs. Lucas?

- A glass of sweet sherry.

- Yes, and I'll have a,
well a gin and French

would be very welcome.

- Sweet sherry, gin and French.

Be with you in a jiffy.

- Please, be seated.

- Thank you.

- Forgive me.

- Isn't this nice?

- This is very nice.

- Lovely, George.

(speaking in foreign language)

- The Hindu study is the
major's second language.

Served in India, you know.

So, you are to be the summer
tenant of Mallards, Mrs. Lucas?

- Yes.

Miss Mapp and I have come to
a satisfactory understanding.

- The little cottage
opposite also for rent.

- You own it?

- My wife does.

(speaking in foreign language)

- I'm very tempted to make inquiries

about your wife's cottage.

- Georgie!

What a bold idea.

- Yes, how would one go about it?

- May I suggest that we meet tomorrow

morning at the house agent's if that is

convenient for you?

- Very convenient.

- (speaking in foreign language) I say.

- (speaking in foreign language) then

at Woolgar and Pipster.

(speaking in foreign language)

- And so to bed.

(speaking in foreign language)

- Good night, Lucia, I'll
see you in the morning.

(bed creaking)

(bed creaking)

(floorboard creaking)

- Damned attractive woman,

I'd say.

- Mrs. Lucas?

- Mm, the same.

- Mm.

- Certainly knows how
many beans make five.

- And Mr. Pillson,

charming manners.

Well dressed.

- Oh, mm.

Not too sure about his rug, though.

- Say again, please?

- His rug.

Veal cutlet.

His toupee.

- Goodness, I never noticed.

- Dyed will all.

There's a subject for you mate.

- What is?

(slipper clattering)

(bed creaking)

- Does he take it off,

or does he leave it on when
they're at a bit of falderal?

- Falderal?

- Mm,

upstairs,

him, her, he and she.

- I don't follow.

(bed creaking)

(speaking in foreign language)

- It's one o'clock, major.

I'm afraid the bar is closed.

- This country's going to the dogs.

- While I think of it,

how many beans do make five?

(bell clanging)
(snorting)

(peaceful music)

- My husband, Mr. Wyse, I believe you met

him last evening,

told me of your interest
in my little cottage.

- Well it was I who expressed
the interest, Mrs. Wyse.

- Is it still on the books, Mr. Woolgar?

- Mallard's Cottage?

I believe so, Mrs. Wyse.

- Oh, well I would be
interested in renting it

for the months of July and August.

- Perfect.

Have you see it over?

- No, but we were very naughty last night

and peeked through the windows.

(laughing)

- I'm flying.

I've let my house, Mr. Woolgar,

so you can cross it off your books.

- Oh very satisfactory, Mrs. Plaistow.

- Hello, Susan.

Goodbye.

- Well, I will show you
Mallard's Cottage without delay.

I think we can all manage
to squeeze into the Royce.

- So Georgie.
- Yes.

- We are both settled for the summer.

- Oh, so it would appear, yes.

- That woman who dashed in and out

of Woggle and Pipsqueak's.

- (laughing) Woolgar and Pipstow.

- Mrs. Wyse told me she's a widow.

- Oh look, a cow.

- And she wondered whether Benjy,

that's Major Flint, will ever marry?

She hinted that he was keen on Miss Mapp.

Keen as mustard was the way she put it.

- Look, isn't that the rainbow?

- It hasn't been raining, George.

Georgie, we must have ickle talk before we

get back to Riseholme.

- Hey look, a haystack.

- Pay attention, Georgie.

How long have we been friends?

- Well, look, uh.

- Longer than either
of us care to remember.

Happy years, Georgie, bringing
their sheaves with them,

and now we're both getting
on, both alone in the world.

But people like us can
look forward to middle age

without any qualms.

Tranquility comes with advancing years,

and whatever Freud may say, we are strong

enough to draw our very effort.

You see, our friendship
is just perfect as it is.

- Oh how sweet of you to put it like that.

Of course, it's quite
impossible to think that we,

and as you say, we're
both getting on a bit.

Well, I am anyway.

Oh no, the quality of our
friendship is perfect.

Good, nothing more need be said.

Oh look, a seagull.

(gentle music)

- I'll do it like that, then like that,

and then I'll do that, and then you rise.

Georgie, just kneel.

You must rise when I say so.

("Eine Kleine Nachtmusik")

- (speaking in foreign
language), we finished together.

- Well, it's a miracle.

My shoulders are still extremely sore.

All that tiresome knighting.

(speaking in foreign language)?

Oh, good yeah.

- Excuse me, madame, Mrs.
Quantock is at the door

and wonders if she could
have a word with you.

- Of course, ask her to come in.

What on earth can she want?

- A number of things I should imagine.

- Mrs. Quantock, ma'am.

- Daisy dear, do come in.

Would you care for an
(speaking in foreign language)?

- Oh no, no, no, no,
no, I'll come straight

to the point if I may?

- Of course.

- It's about the fete.

- The fete, dear?

- Oh now, Lucia, don't go on pretending

you know nothing about
it, going about Riseholme

as if we were all invisible.

- Isn't all going well, dear?

- No, it is not, and you know it.

- But what can I do to help?

- Perhaps I can make a suggestion.

Perhaps you could be some
kind of producer, Lucia.

- A producer?

What exactly would that entail?

- Well, you know, show us how to do it.

- Would I be any good at it?

- Oh Lucia.
- Oh yes, yes.

You would save the day.

- How you all work me.

- Please say yes, Lucia.

- Very well.

(light music)

Now come along everybody.

Are we ready for our rehearsal?

Uh sailors, where are you?

I would like you grouped over there.

That's excellent, just please hurry.

I want 100%.

Chorus, where are we?

Now come along, everyone.

-[Georgie] Stand by, chorus.

- Right here, come along, chorus, perfect.

Halberdiers, spread right across here.

Right over there, that's it.

Now ladies, ladies in waiting.

Are we ready for the arrival of our queen?

Excellent.

Now, we start with the
arrival of the queen

on the deck of the Golden Hind.

So beautifully have built, you men.

Francis Drake is already aboard.

Mr. Pillson?

- Yes?

- Drake is already aboard.

Now, the chorus.

♫ Down, down, down,
down, down, down, down.

♫ Dilly dilly down ♫

Off we go.

Come along Georgie now.

(Chorus singing)
- Sorry, these tiresome shoes.

- Come along, my dear, I
know all about your shoes.

Now, the queen approaches.

The queen approaches.

Open out a little halberdiers so we can

glimpse the queen from the front.

♫ Crescendo, choir ♫

A little quicker, Daisy dear, when all,

a little slower.

Lento, lento, walk at your
own queenly pace, dear.

More royal.

Start basting, cooks.

Gently, gently, basting, not bashing.

Sailors, horn pipe.

Dance, please.

Oh dear.

- To hell with Spain.

- Not now, Mr. Beresford.

- I beg your pardon, ma'am.

- Ow!

- Oh, what have I done?

- Jolly well serve you right.

(Lucia sighing)

- One little suggestion, Daisy dear.

May I be queen just for a moment or two

to show you the effect I want you to get

from the others, I mean?

- Yes of course.
- No, no, dear, now over here.

Georgie, stage left please.

Come along, hurry along, please.

Now chorus, ♫ down, down, down

♫ Down, down, down, dilly dilly down ♫

(chorus singing)

Mr. Beresford, now!

Mr. Beresford!

- He's given his palfrey its oats!

(players laughing)

- I do not think that our monarch would

find crude laughter very apposite.

I must remind you that
this is a royal pageant.

Now all together, God save the queen!

-[All] God save the queen.

- Georgie.
- Yes?

- You come to me.

- Yes.

- Louder, louder,

-[Lucia And Crowd] God save the queen!

- Kneel,

and kiss my hand.

- Yes.

- You see, dear, rich
in romance, in majesty.

Now let us go back and do it once again.

- God save the queen!

- Too late, Mr. Beresford.

Daisy dear, you must mind your train

or you'll trip on it
and end up in the pond.

- May I kick it?

- Certainly not.

You are a queen, not a pantomime dame.

- Is there anything else that strikes you?

- Just one or two tiny little things.

Your speech to the troops,
I couldn't hear very well,

and your gestures, they're
not quite majestic enough.

You must be a Tudor,
the great foe of Spain,

yet tender, the mother of your people.

Shall I show you what I mean?

Do you have the speech there?

I know I have the body of
a weak and feeble woman,

but I have the heart
and stomach of a prince

and of a prince of England, too,

and think it foul scorn
that France or Spain

or any other prince of Europe should dare

invade the borders of my realm!

- Lucia, I want to hand the
whole thing over to you.

- What whole thing, dear?

- Well the fete of course, what else?

- (laughing) But I'm already
producing it, as they say.

- But I think Daisy means--

- Yes, I do.

- Well, I must be very dense but thou

speakest in riddles.

- You must be queen.

- What was that, dear, I'm sorry?

- You must be queen.

- Can't be done unless you're the queen.

- Oh it is good of you.

- Thank you, Lucia, the day is saved.

- No time to waste, then.

Daisy, what would you be now?

- Anything you suggest, dear.

- What about dear Georgie's wife?

- Dear Georgie?

- Drake's wife.

Not a big part, I know, but so important.

In that one moment you have to portray

all the devotion of the women of England

for their queen.

- Whatever you say, dear.

- Now let us begin.

I have just stepped onto the Golden Hind.

Now you go behind that screen, dear.

- That one?

- Um hmm, yes.

Now come tripping out
towards me full of awe,

full of reverence.

Oh Daisy dear, I use the word tripping

in its Elizabethan
sense, not a literal one.

Now curtsy, then you'll retreat backwards.

So, so and so.

(screen crashing)

Mind the screen, dear!

(peaceful music)

- Welcome back, your majesty.

(giggling)