Original subtitles

You must remember this

A kiss is still a kiss

A sigh is just a sigh

The fundamental things apply

As time goes by

- I think I'm getting a bunion. - Not an auspicious start to the day.

I've never had a bunion before. I've had corns, never a bunion.

- I can recommend a chiropodist. - Oh?

- You mean, you have...? - This coffee is delicious.

One of my many talents. Demeaning word.

- Coffee? - Bunion.

- Never thought of it. - I hadn't before today.

Turn your mind to other things like book-signing.

I've told Alistair I won't write flowery inscriptions.

- You won't be rude? - I shan't write dirty limericks.

That's not what I meant!

I'll be sweetness and light personified.

Don't go overboard.

- Are you nervous? - Not really.

I'm in calmer waters now. The book sells, or it doesn't.

Resigned?

Substitute "sanguine".

It's like having a second.

- What? - You.

Someone in my corner.

You won't expect me to flap a towel in your face?

I'm glad you're here.

I had to be. It's your big day.

Do I look a twerp?

No, it's growing on me.

- Like fungus? - No!

- Nervous? - You asked that.

Sorry! It's because I'm nervous.

Have you eaten? Had a good breakfast?

- Yes, a doughnut. - Good.

- Getting a cab? - No, Alistair's picking me up.

It'll be a Land Rover in zebra stripes.

You had a doughnut for breakfast?

- Um... yes. - Why?

Don't know. It was there, so I thought I'd eat it.

You do some peculiar things.

Perhaps I'm becoming an eccentric. Goes with the suit.

- I'm glad you're here. - You said.

Oh. Either I'm repeating myself, or I AM nervous.

You're not, are you?

Well... a bit.

It's me. I'm contagious. I should have gone to work.

- Don't get in a state. - I already am.

Sounds like Alistair. I'll get it.

Before you let him in...

I'll be thinking of you.

That's good. 'Cos I'll probably be thinking of you.

- Alistair! - Hi, Li! Fit?

Um... Come in, I won't be a second.

Er... you wouldn't wear this, would you?

- No! - Thought not.

- Good morning, lovely lady. - Hello.

It's OK, I won't sit in the shop. I'm here to wish him luck.

TLC. Mega!

- TLC? - Tender loving care.

- Of course. - So how are you both?

Bit nervous, to be honest.

No, I'm sanguine.

Good mix! OK, let's hit the bookshelves.

- Yes. - Like a lift, Jean?

No, thanks, Alistair, I'll order a cab.

I don't like Land Rovers with zebra stripes.

- How did she know about that? - She's very psychic.

- Good buzz, good buzz! - How much did you pay them?

They're just to get the ball rolling.

You're on a double yellow line.

When they start making triples, I'll worry.

Won't you just wear the hat into the shop?

No.

The hot seat.

- Oh, will you leave me alone! - Sorry, sorry.

- Sure you won't wear the... er...? - Positive.

Well, one minute to lift-off!

- This stacked queue of yours... - Yes?

How do I distinguish between them and those NOT bribed?

Lemon squeezy, Li. Mine will wink.

- Wink? - Yeah. You know... wink.

I know what a wink is!

- This is verging on farce. - I'm pulling out the stops.

For your FATHER, because he owes MY father a favour.

That was true.

I know you'll hate this - I've got to like you, Lionel.

I want the book to sell for YOU.

Oh. Thank you.

- But you won't wear the hat? - No!

- What on earth is that? - Mood music.

- The drums of Kenya. - Those are the drums of Nigeria.

Really? Well, only you would know the difference.

Catch you later.

Ladies and gentlemen - the man!

Good morning.

Oh... yes. Good morning.

I've heard it's a wonderful book.

- Oh, have you really? - No.

Don't sign. Mime!

Mime? What d'you want me to mime?

- Signing. - Why?

- We don't all buy a copy. - I shouldn't have asked.

Thank you so very much! I'm sure it's going to be a bestseller.

I know. Don't sign.

"My Life in Kenya."

Yes. Yes, of course it's good!

Spicy? Oh, yes, it's incredibly spicy!

In an understated sort of way.

That's the spiciest kind of spicy, I think.

I'm not pushing anything.

I'm just recommending that you buy a copy before it sells out.

Yes! Oh, and Pauline...

Um, I think this year I might be able to

lay my hands on a couple of tickets for Wimbledon.

No, of course they're not connected. Just mentioning it.

"My Life in Kenya." Yes, and tell your friends.

Thanks, Pauline. Bye.

Oh! Blackmail's an ugly word.

I'm running out of sales patter. How about you?

I've phoned everyone, and promised to sleep with half of them.

This is bringing out our seamy side.

Decidedly!

Eight copies in Nottingham.

Nottingham?

I once loved a man in Nottingham.

He must have loved you, too.

No, but he has a kind heart.

Sandy, why aren't you married?

Why aren't you?

Worried about the north-east.

- What's that got to do...? - We don't know anybody there.

- Mum, we're doing our best. - I'm grateful.

Hope Lionel is!

No. He mustn't know we're selling our souls.

Let alone our bodies.

Speak for yourself! I just want him to be a success.

- What if he is? - Mm... WHAT if he is?

It can be a mixed blessing, success.

- You are him, aren't you? - Yes, I am.

You look smaller in real life.

Most of us do.

Mm. Is it a beautiful place, Kenya?

Very beautiful indeed.

I've only ever got as far as Ostend, you see.

I think I'll take it. Could you sign it?

- Yes, of course. - Em...

- Could you put, "To Doris"? - "To... Doris."

- There's more. - Oh.

"On the occasion of her 53rd birthday."

Oh. "Happy birthday."

No! "On the occasion of her 53rd birthday."

"occasion of her 53rd..."

Would "with affection" be all right?

Not very accurate. I don't know a Doris.

- No need to be lofty about it. - I'm not lofty, just stating a fact.

Well, I'd like it in there.

- "With affection." - Lionel Hardcastle.

Thank you!

"Lionel Hardcastle."

- Nice present, that. - I hope so. Who's it for?

- Me. - You're Doris?

I'd have thought that was obvious.

Not really, no.

Thank you very much. Where's the till?

It's... er...

As it's your birthday, allow me to pay for it.

Certainly not! I don't accept presents from perfect strangers!

- Can I have your autograph, mister? - Yes, of course.

Oh, it's you! Hello!

How are you doing?

I'm getting down to the lunatic fringe.

- Would you like a cup of tea? - Where?

Oh, they're looking after me.

Don't be overawed, will you?

Oh!

- You ARE overawed! - It's very grand.

No, I should have THIS stool. It's the less wobbly of the two.

- Oh! Comparatively. - Comparatively.

Well, you've sold a few copies, then?

Strangely enough, yes. It was quite busy earlier on.

And they weren't all winkers.

Sorry?

- Is that a technical term? - It is now.

Alistair stacked the queue.

They identified themselves by winking.

- Did you wink back? - Certainly not!

D'you mind? This is a board meeting.

You can't see out. What if someone wants a book signed?

They can wait.

- That's hardly the Dunkirk spirit. - This isn't Dunkirk.

And I don't expect to be mobbed all day.

Here we sit, and your book's selling all over the country.

- One here, one there. - It's going well in Nottingham.

- How d'you know? - I'm guessing.

Why should Nottingham be interested in a book about Kenya?

- Why not? - I can't answer that.

There you are, then!

- How about Shetland? - How do I know?!

- You might guess. - Ha-ha!

- Bristol? Birmingham? - Shut up!

How about Gateshead?

I don't know anyone in Gateshead.

- Ah...! - Oh, I made a few phone calls.

Just recommending it to friends.

- I don't like it. - Oh, don't you?

No, it smacks of charity.

And YOU smack of being stiff-necked.

The next performance is at 3 o'clock.

We shall be doing excerpts from "South Pacific".

This has been the silliest morning of my life,

and it's only just beginning.

Radio Luxembourg's off the air.

No, I'm trying to find Lionel.

Where is he?

Doing a programme in Glasgow.

- Well, you won't get that on there! - I can get France.

Maybe he'll do France next week. I hope he's not too tired.

He's dashing all over like the Milk Race.

He's not cycling, is he?

- Alistair's only trying to do his best. - I know, I know.

Do you miss him?

I'm used to him being around.

This what you meant by success being a mixed blessing?

Sort of. Don't worry, he might NOT be a success.

I want him to be! I want it both ways, don't I?

That'll be Alistair.

HE's a success. Where does he get time to go out?

- He's a BIG success. - A MEGA success.

- Hi, Jean. - Hi.

Oh! Did you manage to get Lionel in Glasgow?

He did well. He gets less hostile each time.

How did you get local radio from Glasgow?

- Car radio. - Can you get Tibet?

Only faintly.

- Like a drink? - No, thanks, Jean.

There's something I want to put to you.

Oh, what?

The book.

- She's already bought 120 copies. - 140!

Star on the chart! But I'm talking bigger than locally.

We're not bombing, neither are we grabbing.

We must open up a second front.

You mean, invade Russia?

- You sounded just like Lionel then. - I'll do his next interview for him.

- Funny you should... - Oh, what is it?

The inscription in the book. "To Pooh," it says.

You're Pooh!

Of course not!

- Pooh was a dog. - Yes.

- A collie. - A spaniel.

Lionel's favourite... spaniel.

- Springer spaniel. - Cocker spaniel.

Yes, all right, I am Pooh. Or I was.

I wouldn't answer to it now. Well?

Don't you see? It's the perfect publicity angle.

The book is dedicated to the girl before Africa.

The girl before the Dawn of Time!

Who is she? Who is Pooh?

- D'you seriously think anyone cares? - They will! We'll double the sales.

People love a mystery.

What happens when curiosity dries up?

We don't let it. We produce YOU. We produce POOH.

You did say you wanted to help.

- You'd be what? - Flattered.

I've always wanted to be a Mystery Woman.

All right, YOU be Pooh!

When Lionel knew Pooh, I wasn't even born.

That's it! 100 years ago. No relevance today.

People still fall in love.

I bet they don't call each other Pooh!

You did say you'd help.

I HAVE helped. I've lived with this bloody book for months.

- Now this Pooh business is too much. - Well, it's up to you.

I hate it when people say that!

They mean, "I'm right, you're wrong."

If you hate the idea...

Hello!

Oh, it's a celebrity!

Donald Duck is a celebrity. I'm not even a 5-minute wonder.

You're better looking.

Marginally. Can I beg a cup of tea?

Of course.

- Aww! - Hello.

Hello! You look awful!

This is my brave face, as well.

- Oh-h! Sit down. - Thank you.

Where have you come from?

- Wales, I think. - As bad as that?

Alistair's itinerary was designed for a hyperactive decathlete.

- Push, push? - Yes.

I hope next time he says that, he's standing on top of Beachy Head,

back to the sea.

Tell yourself it's all worthwhile.

- Too tired to listen. - I'm sure it is.

I've seen more bookshops than people wanting to buy the book!

- Aww! How's your bunion? - Throbbing.

- That explains it. - What?

You being dismal. Bunions can be very depressing.

I'm realistic.

You were sanguine the other morning.

Bluff! I was trying not to care.

Vanity, but I did want it to sell.

Well, it has. The local bookshop's sold out.

Thanks. How many copies did you buy?

What kind of a remark is that?

An appreciative one. I put it badly.

What's all this past tense, "I did want it to sell"?

Alistair's vocabulary. His "mega" means minute.

Well, I'm sure he's got other ways of pushing the book.

Be realistic. There's nothing else.

It's a celebrity!

You've said that twice and it's wearing thin.

Where are you off to?

- Home. - Already?

It's past my bedtime.

- Jean still here? - No.

She's gone home to talk to Alistair.

Oh. Right. I'll creak round there.

Ah! Would you give this to her?

She wouldn't want it lying around.

What is it? Used notes?

An idea.

Thought they were kept in the head.

- Goodnight. - Goodnight.

I get carried away, you see. She doesn't really want to.

That's totally incomprehensible.

The envelope's not sealed. Goodnight.

So what did you think of the mock-ups?

- I left them at the office. - You didn't like them?

I wouldn't have liked them in a jewelled casket.

I know it's a woman's prerog, but you haven't changed your mind?

No.

- It'll be fun. - Right!

How many people get the chance to BE somebody?

- Right. - I already am someone. I'm me.

Anyone can be "me".

That's tortuous.

- She means... - I know what she means.

I'm thinking of the revelation.

"Next week - Pooh revealed!" "Tomorrow - Pooh revealed!"

You should be a copywriter.

What IS revealed? An old blob.

- You're not old. - And not a blob.

Thank you. I hoped you'd say that.

But you know what I mean. I'll be an anticlimax.

I'm coming at you head-on with this, Jean.

You're not the end, you're the means.

That's the least flattering thing anyone has ever said to me.

- Yes. - You're right.

- You speak my language. - No, it's a sort of Esperanto.

I'll get it.

- Well, perhaps. - Worth a try. Cheers!

- You know, I could fall for you. - No, we talked about it.

You're much, MUCH too old for me.

THIS... is out of the question.

Li, though I say so, it's a great idea.

- She's not doing it. - She's agreed.

- But I haven't. - She wants to do it.

- Well, she's not. - I don't like "she".

You, then. You're not.

- She wants to. - Who?

JEAN wants to help.

- Well, she's not... - Who?

YOU are not going to.

Don't tell me what to do!

Anyone want some coffee?

We're all on the same side.

- On the button. - Of course we are.

- No! - Lionel...

Oh, be quiet! Who is Pooh?

- She is... - Who?

- Jean Pargetter. - Thank you.

The girl I was in love with is Pooh.

A silly nickname because Jean Pargetter liked honey.

Nothing to do with readers of newspapers.

But if it helps to sell the book...

It has nothing to do with the book. It's ours.

Why don't you ever say anything like that?

Eh?

- What did you say? - I can't remember.

You meant it, though.

- Of course. - But the book!

Oh, bugger the book!

Look, I went to a travel agent's.

- You're going back to Kenya? - No! Paris.

Why?

I booked for two. That weekend we always planned.

You're making assumptions.

- Time I did. - I see.

- You're not going on the defensive? - Not with you so masterful.

- You're taking the mickey. - Not at all.

We're going out to eat. Coming?

You don't know what a good sulk is.

No. Well, coming?

- No. - No, thank you.

You know, I amaze myself sometimes.

What've you done? Passed a mirror without looking in it?

Nice dig, Li, but no. I've just thought of your next book.

- For heaven's sake! - Oh, go and eat, Alistair!

- Let me give you the bones. - Lionel's tired.

It's set in the Fifties, right?

A young army lieutenant and a young nurse are in love -

and I mean heavy love.

I know. He gets posted to Korea.

She sends him a letter. He doesn't get it.

- Tragic. But dull. - Dull?

In a "can't put this down" sense.

No, no. Just as he gets the letter, he's wounded.

- By a mule. - An enemy mule, of course.

You're not taking me seriously.

This could be the prequel to "My Life In Kenya".

Or the prequel to some very foul language!

- Another time, Alistair. - OK, OK, OK.

Let's think of a title.

- Us - a novel! - Don't even think about it.

I've thought of a good title - "The Jean and Lionel Story."

- "They laughed, they loved, they lost." - "Until."

- Until what? - "Until..."

You sound like Alistair.

I'd like to be taller.

Strange thing to say.

In the book. And willowy.

Oh! Fair enough.

And I'll have a shock of red hair.

And Jean's too plain.

- Gert? - Oh, Gert!

"Gert and Ginger."

- Have a drink. - Yes, good idea.

Oh, God! Ohh! I clicked in about 18 places.

Stay there. I'll get it.

Like something to eat? I don't have any doughnuts.

Beans on toast would be nice.

You don't trust my cooking.

- I just fancy beans on toast. - Mm.

- Cheers. - Ah. Thanks. Cheers.

"The Gert and Ginger Story."

Why stop at one? Make it a series.

"Gert and Ginger in Paris."

"Gert and Ginger at the Chiropodist."

"Gert and Ginger Go to the Dogs."

Yes, but who knows the ending?

There we were, and here we are now.

With a great big gap of 38 years in between.

Sometimes it's as though we'd never been apart.

Other times, it seems we never knew each other,

that we were complete strangers.

I wonder what'll happen to us. Have you any ideas on the subject?

Lionel?

Lionel?

My hero!

You must remember this,

A kiss is still a kiss,

A sigh is just a sigh.

The fundamental things apply

As time goes by.

And when two lovers woo,

They still say, "I love you,"

On that you can rely.

The world will always welcome lovers

As time goes by.