Original subtitles

You must remember this

A kiss is still a kiss

A sigh is just a sigh

The fundamental things apply

As time goes by.

He's not fighting someone in there, is he?

I'll enquire.

Is Sir all right in there?

No, Sir is not!

Sir is hot, and sick and tired of getting in and out of suits,

and taking his shoes off and putting them back on again.

Sir is becoming completely brassed off!

- That was an outburst! - Railing.

- What? - Railing. He does that sometimes.

- About trying on suits? - He can rail against anything.

- I wouldn't like his blood pressure. - No.

Once he's had a good rail, he's quite himself again.

Don't discuss me when I'm behind a curtain.

Does it happen regularly?

Would Sir like a glass of water?

No.

Sir would prefer a pint of bitter.

I'm sorry. I don't think I could...

- I might be able to find a sherry. - I was joking!

He's had a rail and now he's joking.

- Well, what do you think? - Very smart.

Yes.

- Is that an opinion? - Yes.

What does it mean?

- Y-yes. - Yes, but...?

No.

- Yes, it's just the job? - No.

I know you gave up a Saturday morning,

but I assumed you'd bring an opinion.

It's hard to say.

There's no time to write a letter!

- Very nice. - Very smart.

In its own way.

It's just a bit... a bit...

- Go on. - Bankerish.

- I'd take that as praise. - I wouldn't.

- Boring? - No.

- What d'you mean? - Bankerish.

- I COULD get you a sherry. - No, let's stick to this argument.

If the suit was for you, I'd know.

- So the suit isn't for Sir? - Of course it is!

- I'm sorry. - No, I'M sorry.

- What d'you mean, "IF it's for me?" - No.

You as an author, signing books,

making personal appearances.

A celebrity! What's the book called?

My Life In Kenya.

What's it about?

Curiously enough, it's about my life in Kenya.

- Oh, non-fiction. - I'm afraid so.

Well, come on. Help me look like a writer, albeit of non-fiction.

What does Alistair say?

I brought his folder with me,

but I was hoping it would be a last resort.

Right... Clothes, clothes...

- Interviews... sex. - Sex?!

He believes in covering everything. Clothes, here we are.

- Will this be helpful to us, sir? - It's gibberish.

I'm afraid I don't understand it.

Give it to me.

- It's perfectly plain. - Perhaps you could translate?

Well, what Alistair is saying is... is...

- Yes? - Just a minute.

..Is smart, but not too smart.

Oh, stylish... but not too stylish.

Informal, but not too informal.

- I'm lost. - So am I.

Perhaps we could find that glass of sherry.

- I don't like being patronised. - Not you, the assistant.

I mean, all the trouble he went to...

At least HE gets paid for it.

- He didn't sell a suit. - I bought a tie.

It's not the same.

Obviously!

What are you going to do about the suit?

- Save money. Not buy one. - Oh!

The book-buying public must take me as I am.

That sounds like a threat. You WILL be cheerful?

Unbearably. I'll grin all the time like this.

Stop it!

Lionel, stop it!

Oh, Lionel, stop!

Stop it, Lionel! Lionel!

Lionel, stop it! Just stop it!

I'm not sure I like this now.

If you're going to take it back, you'll go alone.

I shan't.

The chap in the shop deserves the rest of the day to be a peaceful one.

I think he deserves a medal.

You never make any comment about my coffee.

Should I?

For the best part of your life you owned a coffee plantation!

Oh, I see. Well, it's jolly nice.

That's what the Vicar would say!

Does he often pop round for coffee?

I was speaking figuratively.

You want a dissertation on the bean and the blend?

- No. Just an informed opinion. - Oh, all right.

Excuse me...!

Well?

It's jolly nice.

And it wasn't the best part of my life in Kenya.

Major, but not the best.

A tiny time with you 38 years ago was the best.

Are you chatting me up?

Yes, I suppose I am.

- Now, about this sex thing... - What sex thing?

- Alistair's folder. - Oh!

How To Be An Author. You said there was a bit on sex.

- It isn't instructions. - Dash

- What does he say? - See for yourself.

D'you mind if I pour myself another cup of your... Jolly nice coffee?

- I knew you'd laugh. - Well, it isn't you, is it?

- Is it? - No!

He wants you to be like an old ram.

I could buy a T-shirt with "Sex Machine" printed on it.

- That's not very subtle. - Alistair isn't subtle.

- He means "hint at it". - Leer?

Suggest a steamy personal life, but don't say it.

- Leer reflectively? - No.

- Smile mischievously. - What?

If it's a ticklish subject, smile mischievously, say "Hey, hey!",

and your audience will think "Ho, ho!"

It isn't me, all this, is it?

It could be. It's easy enough.

- Show me. - I didn't say I could do it.

- You said it was easy. - Well, all right. Sort of...

- Rather good. - Thanks.

What were you thinking about to make you smile?

Gooseberry fool.

I didn't carry on like this to sell coffee beans.

- It's not the same thing. - I know.

- That's nice. - It won't work.

- What kind of an attitude is that? - Realistic.

My Life In Kenya. It's a dull book.

It might sell marginally more copies than The Anatomy Of A Wire-worm.

You've both read it. What's your honest opinion?

Well...

- That's a hesitant start. - Wait!

- Well, it's... interesting, isn't it, Judy? - Yes.

- Authentic. - Yes.

- Informative. - Yes.

Dull?

- Yes. - A bit.

You did ask!

Which brings us to one inevitable point.

Why the hell did Alistair choose to publish it in the first place?

Alistair's still not in his office.

Do you have his home number?

No! Don't you?

- No! - Judith might.

She stayed the night with friends.

- Why the rush to find Alistair? - It's Lionel.

Look, you've read his book. What do you honestly think?

Does my job depend on my answer?

Be honest.

If it's between reading the book and counting sheep...

Yes, quite.

Lionel knows that,

but he wants to know why Alistair chose to publish it?

Non-fiction is good for a publisher's respectability.

Will Lionel find that flattering?

For all his feigned indifference, I know he cares about the book.

If I didn't know you better, I'd say you were falling in love again.

You don't know me better! Try Alistair's office again, please.

You're much livelier since Lionel turned up again.

Livelier?

Hello again. It's Miss Pargetter's secretary.

Is Mr Deacon back yet?

He is... May I? Thank you...

- The whizz-kid's whizzed in. - Thank goodness...!

Alistair?

Yes, I'm fine. Look, Alistair, it's about Lionel.

Oh? Has she?

No, I didn't know.

Mind? No. Why should I mind?

Yes, right. Bye, Alistair.

Yes, ciao to you too. Bye.

- Judy's spoken to him already. - She was up early.

She wasn't. He was the friend she stayed with last night.

Ho-ho!

- Ho-ho indeed! - You didn't say that very joyfully.

You want me to dance on the desk?

He's only a bloke.

That's like saying a wolf is only a poodle!

If you ask me...

Didn't I use to run a Secretarial Agency

Your hints drop like boulders on butterflies.

Spread your wings and do some work.

Sorry, I was on the phone sorting out Italy.

The Italians have been trying for years.

You formed a government yet?

No, I've got a hot author in Rome.

So what do you think of the new office?

Very impressive.

- I imagined it'd be more bookish. - That was yesterday.

- There's no paper anywhere. - I commit little to paper.

- Odd thing for a publisher to say. - I'm a laptop man.

Laptop computer. You should get one.

No, thanks. I'm still happy with my quill-pen.

- Iced-tea? - Certainly not!

Oh... No, thank you.

- Lemon tea? - No, thank you.

- FT...? - No comment.

Nice one, Li.

I'm sure you've got Europe to sort out.

- Can I say what I came to say? - Of course.

Fire both barrels.

Why are you publishing my book?

It's what I do.

You haven't got rich by publishing books like mine.

I didn't say I had.

I publish books like yours, and I'm being mega-frank,

because it makes me feel better.

Are you saying my book has curative powers?

I'm saying books like yours are real books.

They're not the trash that make the bucks.

Books like yours will last for years.

The sort of book that my old man used to publish.

Oh.

All fears laid to rest?

Yes, I suppose so. Thanks for being honest.

The corners of your mouth have gone down.

Conceit. No-one's proud to be a tax loss.

You pull some funny cherries from the bag.

Who said you were a tax loss?

It may be a real book, but it won't sell.

- Not "mega". - Not even "mini".

We won't know till it goes on sale.

Have you bought that suit yet?

No.

You won't fight me on this?

No. Neither I nor the salesman could understand your description.

Strange. I'll send you to my guy.

We may be talking about a different price range.

He owes me a favour.

I set him up.

I see.

How's the sex?

I beg your pardon?

The "Hey, hey!" The "Boy, did I steam, but I'm not telling you!"

I'm working on it.

Great. Well, I'm sorry to be a party-pooper...

Of course.

- Love to Jean. - Thanks.

Any movement on that front, by the way?

Yes.

We've started calling each other by our first names.

Did I drag you out?

No, it's nice to have someone to have lunch with.

What about all those business lunches?

They're just sit-down sparring matches.

There's a seat.

- Are you good at sparring? - I am now. I wasn't before.

Oh, damn and blast!

When we were young we had a trick for clearing park benches.

- So we did. So we did! - I don't mean DO it.

Think of it as striking a blow for the aged.

That was the silliest thing I've done in years.

- We did it rather well. - Yes, we did.

I'm glad you haven't forgotten how to be silly.

As long as you don't expect it to become a way of life.

Cheese or ham?

- Ham. - Oh.

I went to see Alistair this morning.

Oh?

I asked him the "mega-question".

Why would he choose to publish a very ordinary book?

Did you get the right answer?

Yes. But he'd had time to rehearse it.

- I'm not with you. - He'd been nobbled. Got at.

Did Alistair say that?

You got to him first.

- No. - You did!

No, I didn't. Judy did. I tried to.

If you want to get precious about that, go to another bench.

- I have my pride. - Off you go!

- Don't be absurd. - Very well, I'll go.

- You've got my sandwich! - I've got them all.

- Come here! - I'm happy here.

- I only said "I've got my pride". - You made it sound like the VC.

If you must know, I'm touched that you tried to help.

- Oh, are you? - Yes, I am.

Why don't you come back over there and finish your lunch?

All right.

Thanks.

Go on.

You're very interesting.

- Nice lunch? - Oh, yes. Very nice. Nice night?

Oh.

You said you were staying with friends.

Well, Alistair is a friend.

Mum, it's not anything serious.

Judy, men like Alistair...

- Yes, go on. - I can't finish the sentence.

- I don't know any men like Alistair. - There you are.

You haven't proved anything.

- Neither have you. - True.

You're going out with a "one-off" your self.

That means we're both peculiar.

- He IS quite sensitive. - I know he is.

I'm sure he let Lionel down gently.

Yes. Good. That's that sorted out.

I've been thinking about Lionel.

What is this strange power he has over women?

What've YOU been thinking?

We know why Alistair is publishing the book.

Why is HE taking so much time with it?

He's a pro.

He's a RICH pro.

So why's he acting like Lionel's personal manager?

He's always there for him.

A rich pro - helping him, pushing him?

A rich pro would delegate that to a junior nobody like me.

Why put so much effort into a book that'll make tuppence ha'penny?

Just a thought.

I hope Lionel doesn't have the same thought.

Yes.

About this Agency you run...

The one with the risk-taking secretary?

That's the one. I wonder if you could sign these.

You put "Jean Pargetter..."

Nice to see you again, mate.

Good of you to make the time, Alistair.

I've always got time for you.

- That's what's bothering me. - Sorry?

I am a minor author.

- Let's qualify that. - Let's not. May I sit down?

- Sure, but to be super-honest... - I'll come super-fast to the point.

Shoot.

You told me why you're publishing the book which I can just believe.

But why are you personally putting so much effort into it? Into me?

I like you.

To do what you're doing, it wouldn't be enough to LIKE me.

You'd have to be madly in love with me. Are you?

I'm not "bi", Li.

No. Then tell me the truth.

I warn you, I'm going to sit here until you do.

- The truth can sometimes be painful. - So can cliches.

- Iced tea? - No, just the truth.

Right... the truth.

- I thought you liked that. - Oh, I do.

Not that I expected to send you into absolute raptures.

- I'm sorry. I was just thinking. - About last night?

Yes, of course.

Well, it's a lovely evening.

Why don't we drive up the river somewhere, to eat?

OK.

Maybe go on somewhere afterwards.

OK.

Singapore's nice at this time of year.

OK.

Did you say Singapore?

I was trying to gain your attention.

- Can I ask you something? - Yes.

It's personal.

Excellent.

It's about Lionel.

Oh, look... How can I put this?

Just for one day, I'm up to here with Lionel.

Woof, woof, woof!

Ssh! Be quiet! Get down!

- Who is it? - It's me.

Oh, just a minute.

Should I have brought a bone with me?

A good deterrent, dogs.

Yes. Does it attack on command?

How did you know that wasn't a dog?

Something to do with the click at the start and the click at the end.

I'll give it some thought.

- Why are you here? - I've work to do.

There's more to life than being successful.

I'm doing some work because I've been preoccupied by you all day.

- You saw me for lunch. - I didn't say "missing you".

I know.

There's no need. I found Alistair's description of my book

being dull but respectable quite satisfactory.

- Did you? - Yes. Did you?

Yes. So you're happy about it?

- Almost sublimely. - You're not.

Well, perhaps "sublimely" is an overstatement.

I asked Alistair another question this afternoon.

- Oh? - Yes.

Not the half "Why". The whole "Why".

Oh...! And?

How shall I put this? I'm a favour.

A favour?

Apparently Alistair's father owed my father a favour, and I'm it.

That's why Alistair' looking after me like a baby.

Did your father save Alistair's father's life?

He lent him £500 in 1947 to start a publishing firm.

Oh, what a lovely story! Your father must love you.

Yes, he must. I could strangle him!

- Gratitude - Patronising old bugger!

- I don't need his help. - I wish someone would help me.

- What's the matter? - Nothing.

- I'm not with you. - Parents.

Even when you're older, you never stop missing them.

You've got no-one to ask "What shall I do?"

If I said "What shall I do?", all my father ever said was "Rock on".

Before Rock and Roll?!

- Well, the equivalent. - He wants to help you.

- Yes, interfering old... - Stop it!

- Your pride's hurt. - It isn't.

- Dented. - All right, dented.

- I'M here. - Yes, I know that.

If ever you wanted to say "What shall I do?", I mean.

Oh, Lionel. That's very sweet.

But I don't see you as a substitute father.

- What DO you see me as? - Well, someone...

Someone...

Yes?

It isn't as if you need the money, is it?

- You're changing the subject. - I know.

- What money? - The money from the book.

That's the thing of it, you see.

Kenya is a beautiful country,

but I reached the stage in my life when I wanted to come home.

I got the lecture tour, waffling on about...

"My Life In Kenya."

That was all right.

Then I wrote the book and I thought "THAT will be all right".

I wasn't looking for a fortune, just enough to get by.

Unless you've been lying, you own a coffee plantation.

- If you sold the odd bean... - The only place

I can spend my money from the coffee plantation in Kenya is Kenya.

They moved the goal-posts.

Let's go and find something to eat.

Yes, let's. Nowhere too expensive.

- "Getting by" isn't enough any more. - Are you saying that I'm expensive?

I'm saying that for me "getting by" isn't enough any more.

And I don't want to go back to Kenya.

Why?

That's a pretty coy question.

I'd like to know.

Let's face it.

We can't wait another 38 years before we see each other again.

You must remember this

A kiss is still a kiss

A sigh is just a sigh

The fundamental things apply

As time goes by

And when two lovers woo

They still say "I love you"

On that you can rely

The world will always welcome lovers

As time goes by.