Original subtitles

[audience cheers, applauds]

Bella: Edward.

Edward: Bella, what's wrong?

- You're impossibly fast and strong.

Your skin is pale white and ice cold.

Your eyes change color.

And sometimes when you speak,

it's like, like you're from a different time.

How old are you?

- 17.

[audience laughter]

- How long have you been 17?

- About 30 years.

[audience laughter]

- Wait, what?

- Yeah, no,

actually 30 years this Monday.

[audience laughs]

- S-so you're, you're like 47.

- No, I'm, I'm, I'm 17.

I've just been 17 for 30 years.

[audience laughter]

- Okay, yeah.

That, um, hmm.

Edward: Something wrong?

- Well, no, it's just,

I thought you were like 200 or something.

- Would that be better?

- Kind of.

I mean, there's still an age gap,

but you know, 200 kind of feels magical.

This just feels weird.

[audience laughter]

- But I'm still a teenager.

I've been stuck at 17 since the day I was bitten.

I remember it like it was yesterday.

George Bush was president.

- Ew.

- H. W.

- Oh.

Ugh, wait, sorry.

What year did you graduate high school?

- 1992.

- That's the year my dad graduated.

- Really?

What's your dad's name?

[audience laughter]

- Ch-Charlie Swan?

Edward: Whooooa-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!

Oh, I am totally trippin'.

Charlie was my homeskillet.

- Okay.

Um, did you graduate from Forks High School?

- Yeah.

Best years of my life.

- Ssso you've just been going to the same school

for 30 years?

- Yeah.

- Oh, oh, I can't do this.

- Bella, wait.

Please, you're my life now.

I love you.

What do you say?

Hop on, Spider Monkey.

- Oh.

[audience laughter]

[scoffs]

No, I'm not gonna get a piggyback ride

from a 47-year-old man.

- But I'm 17!

I like rollerblading to the mall

and hacky-sacking with the homies

and getting the highest score on my Game Boy Color.

I'm just like you.

- I didn't understand half of the things

you just said.

- Then talk to the hand.

- Oh.

I know what you are.

- Say it.

Out loud.

- Old.

[audience laughter]

- Snap.

Are you afraid?

- No.

- Are you cool with it?

- No.

- Why not?

- Because you were 30 years old when I was born.

- No, I was 17 when you were born.

- [chuckles]

That doesn't make it better.

- Bella, what's the dealio?

All right, look.

I-I will always be 17.

I don't know anything about taxes or dinner parties

or posting a snapdance to tikchat.

- If you were 17,

you would know that's not how we say that.

- Bella, look.

- Ugh.

- I love you

and I just wanna take you to prom.

- Edward, I would love to go to prom with you.

[Nokia tune chiming]

- Oh, one second.

Charlie Swan?

Wassssuuuup?!

- No, no, I can't.

[audience applause]

Singer: ♪ I wanna run I wanna run into the night ♪

♪ I wanna step into a dream with you ♪

♪ I wanna run ♪

♪ I wanna run into the night ♪

♪ I wanna step inside ♪

♪ 'Cause I know what we can do ♪

♪ I know what we can do ♪

♪ Let's see what we can do ♪

♪ I wanna run ♪

♪ Into the night ♪

[audience applause]

Tori: Welcome aboard

and thank you for flying Up High Airlines.

Before we depart, please pay attention

to this important safety announcement.

Your safety is our first priority.

Our brand image is a close second.

[audience laughs]

- At Up High Airlines,

we are committed

in making sure your flight is comfortable.

We want you to feel like family.

And family members don't make allegations

that other family members' planes

are gross or unsafe

no matter how many rats they think they've seen

chewing holes in the side of the plane.

[whistle blows]

- Up High Airlines is committed to serving you

on land and in the air,

and not at sea.

We have never lost six airplanes at sea.

[audience laughs]

That's gossip.

We don't tolerate gossip.

And in the unlikely event we do make a water landing,

no, we didn't.

- At Up High Airlines,

we believe rumors are a nasty thing.

The movie Snakes on a Plane was not based on us.

There have never been snakes on our planes.

Even though that would be a great way

to take care of the rats that we do not have.

To fasten your seat belts,

insert the metal tip into the buckle.

In the event

that your seat belt is a snake, what?

You crazy.

[audience laughs]

- If we experience a sudden change

in cabin pressure,

oxygen masks will most likely drop from the ceiling.

I mean they should.

[chuckles]

Breathe normally and note that oxygen is flowing,

even though it would be way cheaper to use helium

because we can't afford oxygen

on account of all of our funds

being tied up in various lawsuits.

[chuckles]

Allegedly.

Make sure to try it out on someone else

before putting on your own mask.

[audience laughs]

- Smoking is prohibited at Up High Airlines.

I guess you could say

we're pretty good role models.

Doesn't that discredit any of the weird stuff

you might have heard about us?

Like that we make you pay extra

to use the bathroom on the plane.

Or that the toilets are just holes

cut into the bottom of the plane.

And that everything that goes into those toilets

just gets released into the world

like a sneeze in the wind.

[audience laughs]

You gonna believe that?

Vaping is also prohibited.

- We don't know who's throwing around

these "in the event of emergency"

scare tactics

because here at Up High Airlines,

we don't have emergencies.

But let's just say

hypothetically our planes aren't capable

of reaching the standard cruising altitude

so we're often flying in between buildings

and then sometimes hypothetically

the wings will rip right off the side of the plane

for no reason.

[strained] And everybody starts freaking out

because the plane is going down

and you're supposed to be the one

who knows what to do in this situation

because you're the flight attendant.

But no one ever taught you what to do

with this kind of situation.

[sobs]

Hypothetically, what would you do?

What would you do?

- Thank you for flying with Up High Airlines.

And from all of us...

- By watching this video

you have agreed to a legally binding contract

that states you won't sue us

and have a good flight.

♪

[audience cheers, applauds]

Naomi: ♪ And in the unlikely event ♪

♪ we do make a water landing ♪

♪ No, we didn't ♪

♪ W-w-w-water landing ♪

♪ We did-did-did-did-didn't ♪

[voice reverberating]

[car beeps]

Matt: Have a good weekend!

- What was that?

Matt: Weekend!

Saturday, Sunday.

Have one.

- You too.

Matt: Yes.

You too.

[car door thuds]

[engine starts]

[engine rumbling]

[horn beeping]

[brakes squealing]

- What the heck?

[engine rumbling]

[brakes squeal]

[engine rumbling]

[brakes squeal]

[engine rumbling]

[brakes squeal]

[engine rumbling]

[seatbelt clicks]

Matt: [exhales]

[grunts]

[distant horns honking]

[tapping]

I messed up.

- I'm sorry?

Matt: I messed up.

The gate won't open.

I put my ticket in instead of scanning it.

It's gone.

Naomi: Just use your employee fob.

- I don't work here.

- You don't work here?

I see you on our floor every day.

Matt: My apartment gets cold.

Can I use your fob?

Naomi: No, 'cause then I can't get out.

Wait, what are you doing?

Matt: This worked last time at the GoGurt factory.

You have to insert a GoGurt to get out.

Why isn't this working?

Naomi: You can't put yogurt in the machine.

Matt: Do you think I have the wrong flavor?

Naomi: No.

- Do you have a banana GoGurt?

- No!

- You sure?

Naomi: Just move your car so that I can leave.

Matt: [slurps]

Okay.

- Why are you out of your car?

- I thought maybe we could exchange insurance.

- No!

This isn't an accident!

- Okay, good, 'cause I'm not insured.

I was gonna give you a Post-It

that said Geico on it.

Naomi: Just move your car so that I can leave.

[handle clicking]

- I'm locked out!

[thunk]

Aaaahnd the handle's pinching me!

[clattering]

Naomi: [huffs]

I'm just gonna go to the other exit.

[sighs]

[engine rumbling]

[brakes squeal]

What the...?

Matt: Both machines are broken!

I can't get out!

Help!

Naomi: How did you get here before me?

Matt: I don't know.

I'm a better driver?

Naomi: [sighs]

[whispering] Okay.

[classical music plays]

Radio Host: You are listening to Classical 89.

♪

[clinking]

♪

- Hey.

[tapping]

Hey.

- What?!

[clinking]

Are these nickels?!

Matt: Yeah, the machine keeps eating my 20s.

- Just press the help button!

[beep]

Carl: Hi, can I help you?

- Yes, a very unwell lady is following me.

I'm very scared.

Naomi: I'm just trying to get out of the garage

and the gate won't open.

Matt: And now she's screaming at me!

Carl: Sir, remain calm.

I'll be right there.

- Okay.

But no cops!

[seatbelt clicks]

Carl: This her?

- Get!

Get!

[clinking]

Carl: Who put yogurt in here?

- He did.

Matt: She told me to.

She said she had a bomb.

And knives.

Naomi: What?!

No, I didn't!

Matt: Sir, please.

I just wanna go home to my wet laundry.

- It's okay.

We're gonna get you out of here okay.

- Thank you.

[engine rumbling]

[crash]

[car alarm wailing]

Taxi!

[boom]

[car alarm wailing]

Taxi!

♪

[audience applause]

Chamomile tea for Katie.

- Oh, thank you.

- Got a caramel apple spice with non-dairy whip,

extra caramel drizzle, kids' temp for Reggie.

- Yeah, that's me.

[audience laughter]

- Got a puppuccino for Freckles.

[scattered audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Brownie.

[scattered audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Patsy.

[scattered audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Jewel.

[scattered laughter]

Puppuccino for Dot.

- Hey, I'm sorry.

I ordered a hot chocolate.

I don't know if...

- Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.

I will be right with you

as soon as we get through this order

for 101 puppuccinos.

[audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Perdita.

[audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Spot.

[scattered audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Pongo.

[audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Patch.

[scattered laughter]

Puppuccino for Lucky.

[audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Cadpig.

[audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Rolly.

- Uh, I made an online order like 10 minutes ago

and I have a meeting I need to get back to.

Is there any way I could...

- I'm so sorry, sir.

We're just trying to work our way

through an order for 101 puppuccinos.

But we will get to you.

- Okay.

Um, well,

the owners of these dogs are clearly not around,

so could I just...

have you make mine first?

Matt: I'm afraid I have to get these drinks out

in the order they were received.

Hugh: Okay.

- Puppuccino for Smokey.

[audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Dahlia.

[scattered audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Puddles.

[audience laughter]

Pup--

Oh, hey, this says puppuccino for Penny

but it's an orange juice.

Jericho: Oh-- I think that's mine.

I-I had the orange juice for Jericho.

- I'm so sorry, sir.

The name on the cup says Penny,

but yours is coming, I promise.

Trashing.

[audience ohhhs]

[audience laughter]

Need a puppuccino for Penny,

ASAP.

[audience tittering]

Puppuccino on the fly.

Pappuccino for Dipstick.

[audience laughter]

[laughter fades]

[laughter begins again]

Puppuccino for Whizzer.

[audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Yoyo.

[scattered audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Spark.

- Hey, did you say Pongo?

- Are you Pongo, ma'am?

- Yeah, I had a vanilla cream.

- Oh.

[beeping]

Ah, shoot.

Yeah, we have two Pongos, uh...

[audience laughter]

You're Pongo E.

But yours is coming right up, I promise.

- Two Pongos?

[audience laughs]

- Puppuccino for Two-Tone.

Puppuccino for Dottie.

[scattered audience laughter]

Puppuccino for Wags.

Hey, I still need that puppuccino for Penny.

- I'm out of whip.

I gotta grab it from the back.

- Okay, well hurry up because we've only done...

[audience laughter]

23 of our 101 puppuccinos.

- Ughhh.

- We still have...

[audience laughter]

78 more puppuccinos to get through.

[dinging]

[thunder crashes]

[audience cheering]

- Make me a hot chocolate, no sweet.

And make it snappy for Cruella!

- Yes, no problem, ma'am.

Yours is coming right up

as soon as we finish this order

for 101 puppuccinos.

- Curse these puppies.

I will have my revenge.

This is my origin story!

[audience laughter]

- Puppuccino for Lugnut.

[audience applause]

- That's me.

Two Pongos?

I don't think so.

It's shaving cream.

I'm not gonna eat it.

[laughs]

[audience applause]

- Hey, babe.

This box was in the bathroom,

but it's full of forks.

Billy Bass: ♪ Take me to the river ♪

♪ Yeah, drop me in the water ♪

♪ Come on! ♪

♪ Now! ♪

- Honey.

- Oh, you hate it.

I married a woman who hates my Big Mouth Billy Bass.

- Where did you even get this?

- Oh, I got him at a flea market

like six years ago.

I haven't had anywhere to hang him till now.

Billy Bass: ♪ Take me to the river ohh ♪

♪ Smooch me till I'm human ♪

♪ Come on, girl ♪

♪ Now! ♪

Jed: Woo!

Ha-ha!

Anyway, where do you want me to put this lamp?

Kiri: Did it just say "Smooch me till I'm human"?

- I don't know.

Hey, can we focus on unpacking?

I'm really excited to live with my new wife.

- Okay.

Um, what about in the corner?

A little reading nook?

- Oh, yeah, that'd be cute.

Like lamp right here, little armchair right there.

Billy Bass: ♪ Here's a little thing I want ♪

♪ A human woman's mouth to nudge my mouth ♪

♪ Don't worry ♪

♪ Uh-kiss me ♪

♪ Uh-kiss me ♪

♪ Uh-just kiss me ♪

♪ Come on ♪

- Okay, where did you say you got this?

- I got him at some flea market.

The lady who sold it to me

practically paid me to take it.

[audience laughter]

Hey, uh, do we like this rug in here?

Is it weird to put rug on a carpet?

Billy Bass: No weirder than me begging for a smooch

from a human woman!

[audience laughter]

- Did you hear that?

- Yes, I did.

Hang on a second.

[clears throat]

[quietly] Hey, no talking!

You sing, mister!

You sing, you hear me?

Kiri: Okay, Jed, please stop.

I think there's something wrong

with the fish.

- You're right.

It should go a little higher?

I just kinda eyeballed it.

- No.

Billy Bass: ♪ At first I was a man ♪

♪ Now I am a fish ♪

♪ My mouth didn't change sizes ♪

♪ But my body did ♪

♪ Yes, it did ♪

- Okay.

Is this thing cursed?

- [laughs]

Honey, that's so funny.

Oh, I guess it is.

[audience laughter]

I guess the lady at that flea market

was a witch of sorts.

I guess it's weird that she turned into dust

right after I bought this.

- She turned to dust?

- I don't know.

Hey, I'm gonna grab another box from the van.

BRB.

- Okay, wait.

I just...

Billy Bass: ♪ I'm Billy Bass! ♪

♪ [indistinct] mouth ♪

♪ Give me a quick five-second smooch ♪

♪ Before the return of your spouse ♪

- That's enough of that.

Billy Bass: [distorted] Ooh, Billy sad.

Kiss me [indistinct].

Kiri: Okay, Jed, this thing has gotta go.

- Aw, seriously?

It's like the only thing in here

I care about.

[audience laughter]

[audience ohing]

Like pretty much everything else in the house

is your stuff.

I want this to be our home,

not just your house that I live in.

- Fine.

But it stays off, okay?

No batteries.

- Oh, it's solar-powered.

It'll turn off when the sun goes down.

- What?

Billy Bass: ♪ I'm stuck this way forever ♪

♪ Lucky you ♪

♪ If you don't deliver smooch-wise that is ♪

♪ Come on, just do it now! ♪

Kiri: Okay.

Tell me you heard that.

- Yeah, it's a famous song.

- No, those are not the lyrics to that song.

Billy Bass: ♪ Smooch me on the lippies ♪

♪ Come on, that will make me human ♪

♪ You know the drill ♪

♪ Just do it ♪

♪ What's you waiting for? ♪

♪ Aah! ♪

- Okay.

You know what?

Fine.

I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna kiss the fish.

- Wha-- ah-- oh!

Kiri: [smooches]

Billy: Oh, okay.

- There.

Happy?

Jed: No, wait, wait!

[whoosh]

- Oh, gross!

[audience laughter]

I thought you were gonna turn into a human,

not some giant upright fish thing.

- ♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah ♪

♪ It was a lie, it was a lie ♪

Both: ♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah, it was a lieeee ♪

- ♪ Boom-chika-wah ♪

♪ Uh-uh ♪

♪ Boom-boom ♪

♪ Yeah! ♪

[laughs]

That's a good one.

- Woo!

- Oh yeah!

- No, I'm a teenager.

I-I...

No, I'm 17.

I've just been 17 for 37-- 30 years.

Whoa.

[laughs]

- I'm just gonna go to the other exit.

♪

I'll do that again.

♪

[thunk]

♪

Matt: [grunting]

- [laughter]

I just wanna go home to my fish.

I just wanna go home to my fish.

And GoGurt.

I just wanna go home to my fish.

And wife.

My fish.

And chip.

I just wanna go home to my puppies.

I just wanna go home to my home.

- [laughter]

- No weirder than me trying real hard

for a smooch from a shoo--

Ooh, boy.

- Puppuccino for Spark.

♪

[audience laughter]

- Hey, did you say Pongo?

[audience laughter]