Original subtitles

[music playing]

Please!

I have been here 10 Earth years longer here!

Please, I beg you.

Have I been punished enough?

Marley, when will you learn that no means no?

Please, sirs.

Sirs?

Or ma'ams or both.

Please.

You were informed of your punishment upon your arrival.

Is there no way?

Have you altered even the smallest

part of your behavior whilst living, then perhaps, perhaps.

But...

Your audience with us is over.

But, but there's always a loophole.

Loopholes are bound.

Oh, I do beg your pardon.

Jacob Marlon.

Rumor has it you were around and rumor

didn't exaggerate your baggage.

Out of my way.

Oh, sure, sure.

Wouldn't want to ruin another endless day for you.

How did you do that?

A little trick I picked up.

Show me.

You wanna learn something about loopholes?

You have one for me?

All right, not a loophole exactly.

But let me give you the rundown...

Try to change your mind around the idea of when

you help others, it helps you.

Help others?

Foreign to you, I know.

But just think, you could save somebody from this.

Persuade a human to be good?

Piece of cake.

Not just any human.

Somebody really awful.

Perhaps someone of your ilk.

Scrooge.

The tougher the job, the sweeter the reward.

Scrooge!

[music playing]

[MUSIC - AMBER DELAURENTIS, "ALL YEAR LONG"]

(SINGING) The Christmas bells are ringing.

Revelers, they sing, fa-la-la, we've been waiting,

waiting all year long.

Lights are brightly shining.

Time for a holiday.

We've been waiting, waiting all year long.

So happy to be here.

It's been such a long year through the months and weeks

and days.

I dream of a weather, snow light as a feather.

Makes the streets a wintry maze.

Spring flew by and the summer faded.

The wind blew all them away...

It's Christmas Eve, a magical time of year.

Dreams are dreamed by young and old.

And for one brief moment, the possibility of peace on Earth

and a reminder of the power of love seems possible.

People everywhere are keeping Christmas in their own way.

(SINGING) Let it snow, let it go, let it rain, let it hail.

Some are naughty...

(SINGING) Let it snow, let it flow, let it rain, let it hail.

...some are nice...

(SINGING) We've been waiting, waiting all year...

...same are donning now their gay apparel...

(SINGING) Waiting, waiting all year long.

...some are eagerly awaiting the arrival of Santa...

(SINGING) All year long.

...and some have not yet solidified their plans

for merrymaking.

(SINGING) All year long.

But as you know, there's an app for that.

[music playing]

Yeah!

[applause]

Thank you.

Thank you.

Gentlemen and [inaudible] ladies, as you all know,

it's Christmas Eve.

So we are closing early and letting you get drunk

on your own eggnog in the privacy

of your own little stable.

And remember two things...

One...

One...

...tipping is not a country in China, and two,

I got my new ba-zooms to pay for.

That's right.

Get your old ones.

For the last time, not you.

As for the rest of you, I'm accepting bids.

So fork it over, my little Marys.

Marys, Marys.

Speaking of Mary, gentlemen, a song!

[music playing]

(SINGING) God rest ye merry gentlemen.

Now don't you feel afraid.

Cause Christmas is the time of year when everyone gets laid.

So raise your glass and drink a toast

cause things will go your way.

Oh, thank God for booze and last call.

Booze and last call.

Oh, thank God for booze and last call.

Booze the last call.

[applause]

Well, here goes nothing.

Literally.

It's worth a shot.

This year might be different.

Maybe his bark is worse than his bite.

Sure, if you've got your tetanus shot first.

And what's up with the way he talks?

He's all Ebenezer Scrooge, practically perfect

in every way.

Well, he never finished high school,

and I think it's a sore spot with him.

He prides himself on his oh so perfect vocabulary.

And his nastiness.

And his nastiness.

Well, it's time to run the ramparts.

OK.

All right, you guys.

Now it's time for get your sheets out!

You've waited all year for this... the annual singing

of the 12 Days of Christmas parody song.

[clears throat]

Colin.

I see you are still head of Helpless Inc.

Yes, Ben.

I'm doing what I can.

No heat?

Is it the hot flashes?

I'm comfortable.

But so cold for Bob.

He has a dizzying array of sweaters purchased

at your little resale boutique.

You want heat?

Go back out to the bar.

Lots of body heat out there, if you

care to get close enough to the riff-raff.

Riff-raff.

Why do you stay in this business if you hate your customers

so much, huh?

I don't hate them.

Oh, you're quite wrong, my dear Colin.

I love my customers.

All those fools and they're easy money.

Why do you think Jake and I named it Scrooge?

Humbug.

Don't you feel the least bit beholden to the community?

Wouldn't you like to give back to support it

in its needs, huh?

And what needs are those?

Oh, come on.

You don't live in a cave.

No.

No, really.

Enlighten me.

Maybe this year, I'll fall for your doe

eyes and your fluffy little bleeding heart.

Just what does your sweet charity

propose to do for the community?

The community.

Give me your pitch.

Sell me.

We are facilitating AIDS research and care

and education.

We have runaway counseling and a shelter.

We have programs for community outreach and lobbying

for legislative change.

And parades.

Oh, let's don't forget the parades.

More hum buggery.

Ben, come on.

We've known each other since the old days, since Fezzy Wigs.

I thought you'd want to make at least a donation in Jake's

name, hmm?

Jacob Marley would roll.

He was as keen a businessman as I. A matter of fact, Colin,

you used to be a pretty keen businessman yourself.

You did well.

All this charity has got to be eating into your capital.

My business continues to thrive so I can do good.

Business isn't life.

You should come visit the center, at least

see what we're doing.

Yeah, I see all right.

Loafers, miscreants, society's outcasts.

I watch out for my businesses and pay huge taxes

for the privilege of doing so.

Let them look out for themselves!

I believe, gentlemen, we are finished here.

So I will wish you a season's greetings.

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, and druid drivel!

And seasons greetings to you.

Sad, pathetic queen!

Don't worry, Kyle.

Haven't you heard every time my cash register rings,

an angel gets its wings?

Now fly on home, alone, as usual!

We brought cupcakes!

[cheering]

Dykes in the house!

Hello, suckers!

Hello, lesbos!

Oh, yes!

Don't you homos have anything better

to do this Christmas Eve than to listen

to these two rank amateurs?

Oh, thank you.

My darling Freda, fashionably dressed as usual

in one of your own little homemade frogs.

Oh, you're just jealous.

You want to wear this to midnight mass.

[gasps] My secret's out.

Damn, this is good.

Isn't it?

Who frosted these?

They're amazing.

Freda did, but I helped.

Frost this, Freda.

Victor, honey.

Put it away.

You're scaring the children.

My eyes.

My eyes!

Wait, where is it?

Where is it?

[laughter]

It's a small world after all.

All right, you two pieces of trailer trash,

it's time to silent the night.

Here Freda, to you come join me.

Everybody sing along.

Hit it, Liberace.

Here we go!

You all swing in the audience.

Very serious.

It makes it more fun.

Silent night, holy night.

All is calm, all this bright.

Sleep in heavenly peace with the heavenly peace.

[applause]

All right, everyone.

Good night!

Last call, everyone.

Drink up, zip up, and meet me under the mistletoe

before you go.

Mary, you come with me.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Merry Christmas, everyone.

Happy Hanukkah.

[laughter]

Mary, I'll be just a minute, OK, honey?

Hey, hey, hey.

Take your time, honey.

Thank you.

I'll just hang here with Randy and Terry.

OK.

I got her.

Oh, thank you.

Don't worry, honey.

I'll have my Silent Night Special for you

when you're done.

Make it two, honey.

You got it.

All right, sweetie.

Oh, Robert.

Freda.

Sweetie!

My little cutie pie.

How are Drew and the kids?

Oh, they are just fantastic.

I'm sure they're anxiously awaiting my arrival right now.

Yeah.

But I didn't dare try and get out of here any earlier

tonight.

He is in a particularly foul mood.

Why should tonight be any different?

Oh, that's right.

It's Christmas Eve.

Huh.

Yeah, right.

What can I say?

He's a jerk, but he's family.

And besides, Mary's on this Buddhist

thing about tolerance and compassion

and love and all that.

And maybe one day.

I think so.

Wish me luck.

Good luck.

Thank you.

Bye.

Bye.

[knock on door]

Be gone.

Merry Christmas, Uncle Ben.

I just popped in to say hello.

I'm still breathing.

The ink on my will has been dry for years.

The name Freda is still resoundingly absent.

You may go.

No worries.

I'm pretty sure you'll outlive me anyhow.

Look, I know you like to keep Christmas in your own way.

But Mary has this thing about family

and a weird soft spot for you.

So you're invited for dinner tomorrow

if you have no other plans.

The name Mary is also in absentia with regards

to my estate.

Look, I don't expect anything from you.

Mary, on the other hand, only wants to give you a good meal.

What'd you see in her?

She is going to be the mother of my child.

My sister had that desire.

And lucky you, got to be born on the day she died.

Isn't the symmetry wonderful for you?

Getting senile, Uncle Ben?

You seem to get that one out every single time I see you.

Well, if you want to come tomorrow, dinner is at 4:00.

Mary sends her regards.

Send her back her regard anyway.

[inaudible]

Get out!

May I take a rain check there?

Thanks.

Thanks, Randy.

Have a good night.

Good night, Terry.

[interposing voices]

Merry Christmas.

Closing early.

And the whole day tomorrow, Cratchit?

That's what you said.

You expect me to pay you?

Well, it's kind of norm.

And actually, I'd rather if you could...

Spit it out.

Have you thought about implementing the health care

plan that I proposed?

It wouldn't cost a lot for the staff,

and my family could really use the coverage right now.

Your family is no concern of mine, you and your United

Nations cast asides.

Take a Christmas Day and think about how

you would eat without this job.

Merry Christmas to you, Mr. Scrooge.

Mock up the drinks another 20% on New Year's Eve.

[sighs]

Here you go.

Sorry.

There's no bonus.

The bonus is you get to do your little music thing for money.

Yeah.

Thanks.

Oh, that would be his dinner.

Randy, can you take it up to him please?

Let me guess, hot and sour soup, one egg roll, small fried rice,

no MSG?

Yeah.

Heaven forbid he should explode.

You got to have a heart in order to have a heart attack.

Amen.

Here's your dinner.

Did you tip the delivery man?

Of course.

Fool.

I gave you exact change.

I use my own money.

I can spare it.

Well, since you have so much extra money lying around,

this would be a perfect time to decrease your wages.

Hey!

I'll cut you all together.

I've seen you giving out free drinks.

I can get another job.

I have a following you wouldn't miss.

Oh, I hope they enjoy the drive to Paducah.

I can make sure you won't find any place closer.

And the way you've been showing your age lately,

I doubt you could get employment in a leather bar, in Paducah.

You better start packing.

Paducah?

Apparently I'm fired.

And old.

I'll fix it.

Maybe this time I don't care.

Maybe I'm tired of this fool.

I'll fix it.

Just finish closing up, all right?

It's going to be OK.

Hey Bob, do you want to hear the new song?

I can't.

I got to get home to Drew and the kids.

We're waiting for Santa.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

You know what?

Randy, get one more for everybody.

On the house?

On me.

Hey Randy, do you want to hear the new Christmas song?

I'd love to.

[music playing]

Christmas Eve is coming soon.

Candles flicker blue.

Carolers in red and green singing neath the moon.

Dreams are dreamed by young and old, memories come to life.

Peace on Earth seems possible round the world tonight.

Noel, can you hear the angel's call.

Noel, calling out to one and all.

The world of make-believe comes true on Christmas Eve.

Christmas night is here at last.

Let your hopes run high.

Open minds and open hearts need not question why.

Noel, can you hear the angel's call?

Noel, coming out to one and all.

The world of make-believe comes true on Christmas Eve.

The world of make-believe comes true on Christmas Eve.

God rest ye merry gentlemen.

[wind blows]

Ridiculous.

[footsteps approaching]

Ben Scrooge!

Let me in!

[gasps]

Go away.

Get out.

Ben.

How'd you get in?

I have an alarm system.

Ben, look at me.

You can't be who you look like.

He's been dead for 10 years.

Do... do... don't.

Don't come any closer.

The police are on their way.

They are not.

I'm a ghost, Ebenezer!

Nobody calls me Ebenezer.

I did.

Jacob?

Jacob Marley?

Impossible.

I don't believe in ghosts.

You don't believe in love either,

even though you once felt it.

You're only an illusion, a nightmare,

a jolting of my neurons exacerbated by a bad meal.

I specified no MSG.

OK.

It's a nightmare.

So in this nightmare, which in reality, is reality,

you are being visited by moi.

I'll indulge you for the moment.

I'll concede that you are the ghost of Jacob Marley.

Why haunt me?

I'm here to warn you.

These are the chains I have to bear through all eternity!

Each link forged by an evil deed or thought.

Look at me.

Weighted down.

You're no better than me.

Than I.

Grammatically correct, as always.

Oh, Ebenezer, I've been dragging through the ether for 10 years,

reliving all the awful things I did.

We did.

And you've had 10 more years to add to your baggage.

What awful things?

We did business.

Doing business is not doing living.

I want you to see that you still have time

to save yourself from this.

I'm not concerned with any savings

that don't accrue interest.

Now be gone.

You have no power here.

That's what you think.

There's always a loophole.

Scrooge!

Ebenezer Scrooge, before this night is over,

you will be visited by three spirits.

Each of them will reveal certain truths to you.

Heed them before it is too late.

Ben Scrooge!

Ben Scrooge!

Get your tiresome self out of that godawful sleeper sofa

and acknowledge the presence of a divinity.

Marley?

I told you to get out of my apartment and out of my dreams.

Now go.

Randy.

I fired you.

Get out.

No can do.

Let me explain.

On my off hours, I'm the ghost of Christmas Past.

Sometimes just the ghost of the past.

You're a ghost?

How much MSG was in that egg roll?

How is that possible?

How is it possible that you're such a miserable example

of humanity?

Who knows.

Oh, wait.

We're actually going to answer that question tonight.

So let's get started, shall we?

Ben Scrooge, I've been sent here to guide you

to some meaningful times of your past.

So let's get this show on the road.

I have an evangelical I need to see in two hours.

How?

What...

Time travel.

It's all the rage.

Poppers?

It's the '70s.

What else did you expect?

Now hush up.

Not that anyone here can see or hear us.

Oh, you were so cute.

Queer.

Tinkerbell.

You staying at school for Christmas again this year?

[chatter]

Oh, look.

Here's your first crush.

Quiet.

Still no sign of the old man?

He won't come.

He hates me.

So it's two weeks.

I'll be back before you know it.

Ben!

Franny!

God.

Hi.

Hi.

Fred, this is my sister, Franny.

I told you about her.

Hi.

Hi.

It's nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Ben, dad says you can come home this year.

He let me take the car to come and get you.

Yeah, really?

Yes.

Only Ben, please behave.

You do some things that irritate him.

That's my ride.

Listen, maybe I'll stop by over the holidays.

We'd love to see you.

Oh, Ben, we're really going to have

a good Christmas this year.

[music - "silent night"]

(SINGING) Silent night, holy night.

All is calm, all is bright.

Father, this is Brent Hartford, a friend from school.

Hey, Franny.

Hey.

Hartford.

Pleasure to meet you, sir.

You might know my father.

He has a couple of car dealerships.

Yes, of course.

I've seen his commercials.

I'll bet you work hard for him too.

It's about time you had a friend that

understands the importance of business and making money.

Maybe you can teach my son, the dreamer, a thing or two.

I'll try.

I came over to see if Ben would like

to come to a dance at my folks' country club.

There's a girl that I dig, but her parents

say that we can't go unless we double date with her cousin.

Well.

Well, I think Ben could help you out with your date.

Great.

My girl's cousin is really groovy.

I have some pictures I'd like to show Ben.

Pictures of other girls that he might want to look at, sir.

Run along upstairs then, boys.

See you, Franny.

Uh-huh.

Bye.

Pictures of girls?

I had to tell him something, didn't I?

If the lie makes him happy, then all the better.

[laughter]

You're my best friend.

Shut up and kiss me.

[pants]

Faggot!

You're a sick pervert!

Thank God your mother didn't live to see this!

One time, one time you get back in this house.

Out.

Get out.

Get out.

Out.

Out!

Dad, he's your son!

I don't have a son!

Do you hear me?

I will never see you again.

Stop it!

Stop, dad!

He's your Ben!

He's a freak!

Daddy, no!

Get out!

You are dead to me!

Dead!

Dad...

Dead!

Ben!

Ben!

[music playing]

Father.

He call himself a father.

Families.

Rubbish!

God, I was good looking back then.

Was being the operative word.

Hey, can I get a room?

Hey, you OK?

Sure.

You're new.

I've been around.

Yeah, around the playground.

And living on the streets since my old man kicked me out.

Is that around enough for you?

Hey, cool it, dude.

I'm just saying you look fresh.

And fresh doesn't last long in here.

I can manage.

It doesn't look that way to me.

I'm fine.

Are you looking for something?

Oh, I'm always on the move.

Got big ideas about big things.

Loopholes abound.

It's the wrong scene for you, kiddo.

I do OK.

I like you, kiddo.

You're cute, and I can tell you're not stupid.

I got a keen sense of not stupid.

What's your name?

Ebenezer.

Ebenezer?

That's about as bad as Jacob Marley.

Just Ben, Ben Scrooge.

Oh, no.

From now on, you're Ebenezer.

I'm going to show you where things happen for guys like us.

And you better believe they happen for us and not to us.

Why should I trust you?

What do you want?

I want a partner to help me take what the world owes me.

I may even give you top billing.

Scrooge and Marley.

Sounds good to me.

Yes, it does.

OK, Ebenezer Scrooge, you stick with me.

Come on.

I'll clean you up, and then I'm taking you to Oz.

[music playing]

[cheering]

This is Oz?

Darling, this is wonderland, Studio 54 and Oz

all rolled into one.

And get ready, you're the newest Dorothy.

You feel like hanging out?

Only for the rest of my life.

Hello, baby dolls and daddies!

It's Fezziwig.

Welcome to my bake sale.

I bake and you're all for sale!

[laughs]

That man knows how to party.

He does.

Did.

Taught me so much.

He took care of me too.

Much better than you took care of him.

Hello, Jake!

Well, what delectable have you brought to the buffet tonight?

This is Ben, Fezziwig.

I found him testing the waters and thought

he'd be a better swimmer here.

You did good, Jake.

Welcome to Oz, kid.

Let's see your yellow brick road.

[laughs] The street...

Not a nice place.

Also not a safe place.

Let me show you my place.

And this is where we do all our entertainment.

This is the place to be.

Claude, Dorie, come over here.

Let me show you my grand plan for world domination.

This is my new place.

And kiddies, there are lots of rooms

in my little kindergarten.

This is the art studio.

It's where we do very tasteful pictures

for discriminating patrons.

Nudie pics.

And this is the spa because you cannot overemphasize physical

fitness, and you must open up your pores.

You got to have steam heat.

This is a room where genteel gentlemen will meet... oh,

how shall I say... company of a certain kind.

No services, mind you.

Just company and discretion.

Discretion, discretion, discretion.

Discretion is the better part of allure.

So what'd you think, young Ben?

Cat got your tongue?

Handy remedy.

The dictionary.

Use it all the time.

Use your vocabulary.

Words, Ben.

Words will be your tools, your weapons.

I am in the arts and entertainment business, Ben.

And all of my babies have been taken off

of those nasty streets.

All of my babies are safe and warm and hot.

See Ben, you can make a lot more in a place like this than you

can down at the park, making macaroni and cheese money with

you're...

Language, Jacob.

Use vocabulary, never language.

Well, we need a little Christmas.

[laughter]

One for him, one for us.

Partners.

He knows.

He doesn't care.

We can run blind as long as you give him what he wants.

Well, that is a joyous noel.

Look at this piece.

I never knew I had it.

We must show it to the assembly.

Come along, Ben.

I'll catch up.

[laughter]

[cheering]

So you want to work here?

Yes, please.

[laughs] Dance.

Oh, wait.

Come back.

Got to give you a little something to fluff you up

because you look naked.

All right, Isadora, go for it.

And don't stick your head out the car window like last time.

Bill.

I'm Bill.

I'm Ben.

[laughter]

I feel like Christmas morning!

[sighs]

My first Christmas together.

Play it again, darling.

It's OK.

I'm getting used to it.

Christmas.

Extra money for idiotic decorations that are more

work putting up then taking down than they're worth.

Flimsy breakable...

Ben, what's the matter?

You can't be upset about $20 worth of ornaments.

My sister, Franny.

She died.

Oh, my God.

She died during childbirth.

Apparently I now have a niece named Freda.

If it hadn't been for that baby, she would...

Ben, you can't blame a baby.

She was the only person who loved me no matter what.

No matter what, she loved me.

I love you.

You know I do.

No matter what?

No matter what.

Of course I do.

Let's see what we can do about that niece of yours.

I would.

For Franny's sake, I would.

But according to this letter from my father, the first one

he's written me since he threw me out,

I am specifically instructed to stay away and not

stain the family's honor with the stench of my depravity.

And then he goes on to add a few more equally paternal words.

No matter what.

No matter what.

[music playing]

No matter what.

Hi, honey.

Dinner's ruined.

Oh, I'm sure it's good enough.

Waste not, want not.

Have a good meeting with Marley?

Pretty and smart.

Ben, I worry about you and Marley.

He's... he's...

He's what?

Well, you've always known that I always thought

he was a little too sly.

And you want me to be careful.

I know.

Yes, I'm dancing with the devil.

But I'm sleeping with an angel, aren't I?

It all evens out in the end.

Besides, making him my business partner

is the smartest thing I could do.

Bill, my love, we're going to be rich,

if you don't keep burning grocery, man.

Well, if you're going to be getting more money,

maybe we move to a nicer place.

Why'd we leave here?

It's rent free, as long as I keep

an eye on Fezziwig's business.

And believe me, got my eye on it.

[music playing]

[interposing voices]

For me?

Oh, you shouldn't have.

But I hate a family [inaudible].

There you are.

[chatter]

[music playing]

[chatter]

I don't understand, boys.

I don't understand at all.

It's simple.

You followed my investment advice.

You sign the papers I ask you to sign.

And now we own you.

How is that possible?

Well, there's always a loophole.

Don't you just love loopholes?

And now we are retiring you.

But you leave me with nothing.

Ben, I was so good to you.

You're educated.

I took you in, you're successful.

It's all because of me.

Look how well you taught me.

It's time to prune back the dying branches of shriveled,

old dying branches.

This is everything I have.

Had.

Where shall I go?

How can you be so heartless?

I was so good to both of you.

I don't know.

Don't you have an old troll friend down in the Keys?

[laughter]

OK.

Out you go.

[sobs]

It was purely business.

It wasn't purely business when he took you in.

For his own profit.

He was using me, using Jake, using us for our looks

and a lot of other things I'd rather not remember.

He was paying you a fair wage and teaching you the business.

He was caring for you.

So he could care.

Caring doesn't pay the bills.

No, it doesn't.

But it might just be what saves you.

We don't need to go here.

I don't.

But you do.

Sorry I'm late.

Yep.

You're late, again.

You'll never believe what happened today.

I know what happened today.

I have a telephone.

You killed what was left of Fezziwig.

That's a little over the top.

Jake and I leveraged some cash.

We bought the old man out.

You sold out.

You sold out your friendship!

You sold out your soul!

What's all this?

I'm leaving.

No.

You can't.

You said, no matter what.

I said that to a man, a different man.

No matter what.

I said that to a man who I loved,

a man who still had the decency to cry over his sister's

death, who gave a crap.

But now, you're an automaton for money, a steamroller.

Fezziwig... did you have to do it that way?

That's business.

That's Marley.

Are you actually jealous of Jake?

You know that with Marley, it's all business.

Right.

Business, money, Marley.

You promised me.

You made promises too.

But for months, years, I look into your eyes,

and I see are dollar signs.

I want something more.

What more is there?

Can you stop what you're doing?

Can you stop the wheeling and dealing?

Can you stop what you and Marley have started?

What is there to stop?

Stop making money, stop providing you a home,

stop doing what I do better than anyone?

I don't care about money.

Everyone cares about money.

Well, not the way you do!

And you certainly don't care about me

the way you care about money.

So I'm leaving you.

I've made up my mind.

I'm leaving.

I'll change.

Change?

Do you know what change is to you?

Change is little pieces of metal that you pick up

off the ground, kiss, and put in your pocket.

I want a home.

I want a family.

You want a family?

To hell with family.

People you are tied to by blood that

can't stand the sight of you.

And then they die.

You become someone I don't even know.

I tried to ignore it, but it's too much.

I'm leaving.

You promised.

[grunts]

You really did change, you know.

I did love him, more than anything.

Then why didn't you see him when he was sick, before he died?

I didn't know he was sick.

You did.

Oh, yes, you did.

What?

There's a woman on the phone that says she's Bill's sister?

So?

She says that Bill is ill, very ill, and he's asking for you.

Oh, and Jake's online too.

I don't have time.

Why didn't you tell me that?

[phone rings]

Hold on.

Hey, Jake.

Ben, where are you?

I'll be right there, OK?

Hurry up.

Sorry, I don't have time, all right?

Take a message.

She says it's urgent.

I don't have time.

Take a message.

I didn't even know when he died.

You knew.

You can't lie to me.

[music playing]

I knew.

And I did nothing.

Well, I still have plenty of time for my evangelical.

He's no you, but he's got a few kinks to work out.

Toodles, poodle.

[music playing]

[interposing voices]

I will fight with the lot of them.

Mark my words, this will be a Christmas Eve

they will never forget!

It's about time, Scroogie-woogie.

Looks like somebody's having a rough night.

Have a tidy, have two.

Who the hell are you?

How did you get in here?

I'm a ghost, silly.

I slipped in through the keyhole.

[laughs]

More ghosts.

I thought that dream was over.

Not a chance, darling crabby pants.

I'm Terry, the ghost of Christmas present,

and I'm next up on your dance card.

Dance card?

Did someone say dance card?

Hold on Scroogie-woogie.

I feel a production number coming on.

Hit it, boys.

[MUSIC - "WELCOME TO CHRISTMAS PRESENT"]

Welcome to Christmas present.

Now is the time, the time for merriment.

Get me, I'm singing and dancing.

Christmas is like a Broadway musical.

We've got elves dancing and reindeer prancing,

brimming with good cheer.

Tinsel up.

Let's celebrate what's here.

We've got singing spirits, you can hear it.

It's filled with yuletide glee.

So deck the halls and sit on Santa's knee.

Cause I am your Christmas present.

Now is the time, the time for merriment.

Get us, we're singing and dancing.

Christmas is like a Broadway musical.

All right, this is the big finish now, Scroogie-baby.

Christmas!

I'm your Christmas present.

I'm going to show you how great that Christmas is.

You'll see all the glitzy chorus boys,

that happy hearts bursting with joy

cause Christmas is like a Broadway show!

Yeah!

Tadaa!

Now that's what I call getting into the Christmas spirit.

Have I... have I lost my mind?

Am I surrounded by ghosts?

Nope.

Just Jake and Brandy and me.

And oh boy, wait till see who's coming up next.

I thought that dream was over.

Not a chance, darling.

Where have I seen you before?

I'm a regular at your bar.

You'd know this if you actually stepped out of your office

and joined in the festivities now and then.

I have no time for that sort of frivolity.

You sure could use it.

Let's make some time.

Now.

No.

Please.

I've had enough for one night.

[laughs] Not even close, Scroogie-woogie.

And if I say no?

I'm calling the shots.

Like I said, this is my dance.

It's time for you to look at Christmas this year

and open your eyes to the world around you.

I feel like I'm the only sane one around.

And now I'm going crazy.

[laughs] You're not crazy.

You're mean.

You know who's crazy?

That niece of yours.

Freda?

She actually cares about you.

Cut to Christmas Eve this year, Freda's.

Freda and Mary's.

[chatter]

Oh.

Oh, sorry.

OK, listen up, you Merry revelers.

It's time for you know what!

Holiday charades!

Oh, no.

Not again.

Freda, come on.

Oh, don't snow on my parade, baby.

You love this last year.

And the 10 years before that.

Oh, OK.

But this year, there's a twist.

Instead of tired old movies and stupid new songs,

we are doing people.

I love doing people.

Famous, real or fictional, living or dead.

All right, here we go!

You start.

Oh, this is good.

You'll never get this.

Ready?

Oh, God.

There she goes.

She's prepping.

"Hunchback of Notre-Dame."

Quasimodo.

Is it Quasimodo?

One word.

One word.

One word.

Poker?

What is that?

Ugly sad poker player.

Aquaman.

Filing her nail.

Is she a...

Psycho!

Oh.

Oh, that's something different.

Dracula.

Dracula.

No, it's Cher.

Gigi!

Cher!

Cher!

Oh, you're terrible.

It's my Uncle Scrooge.

You got it [inaudible] Mr. Sparkling Personality.

Oh, that's Scrooge, all right.

I knew if I just looked sour, you'd never get it.

But if I pantomime that holier than thou way he talks,

you'd get it in 10 seconds flat.

Why does he do that, Freda?

Oh, honey.

Who can figure everybody's favorite sour puss out?

Everybody's favorite sour puss just fired Randy.

What?

Seriously.

Today?

I was there.

I witnessed.

I think he meant it this time.

On Christmas Eve?

Why would Christmas Eve be different than any other night?

Bob says he can fix it, but I don't think he can.

I feel bad for Randy though.

I do too, but I also feel bad for Scrooge.

Oh, you don't mean that.

You can't.

I've worked for that cheap jerk for the last three years.

And believe me, the minute I find another steady gig,

I'm history.

He can't help it.

The guy needs something other than his cold hard cash.

And buy him a cat.

But be prepared to pay for the food too.

When I look at Scrooge, I see a terribly lonely man

in desperate need of compassion.

You've had too much eggnog, methinks.

It's her Buddhist thing.

No, I mean it.

I really do.

It's the season of peace.

So...

Oh, honey.

...a toast to Scrooge.

A toast to that bitter old queen?

Hey!

Mary is requesting, and I am commanding.

Raise those glasses high and listen up.

Thank you, dear.

You're forcefulness was part of my initial attraction,

you know.

And my eyes?

And your eyes.

Of course.

[laughter]

A toast to Scrooge.

Yes.

To Uncle Scrooge.

He wouldn't take a Merry Christmas from us

unless we paid him.

And since Christmas joy is free of charge,

we're going to give it to him anyway whether he likes it

or not.

To Scrooge.

To Scrooge.

Why would she deign to defend me?

You heard her.

You're family.

She wants you in her life.

I thought she just coveted my portfolio.

You know, someday he'll come around, and maybe

after the baby's born.

Yes, maybe then.

Yeah.

OK.

Now let's hear Freda do a song.

[applause]

Fine.

Fine.

Twist my pinkie.

[laughter]

OK.

[MUSIC - "I'M A CHRISTMAS KIND OF BABY"]

Where is Christmas?

Where is Christmas?

Sure don't feel like Christmas time.

I'm a Christmas kind of baby, need my baby at Christmas time.

I said that I'm a Christmas kind of baby,

need my baby at Christmas time.

If my baby ain't around, it's going

to be a Santa kind of crime.

What good is all this?

Why do these fools fill up their sorry little souls

with frivolous...

Because they have heart.

I said if my baby's not around, it

don't feel like Christmas time.

Oh, yeah.

Maybe... OK, I see.

You want me to hire Randy back.

Fine.

And I need to be nicer to Mary and Freda and everyone

that Scrooge.

Got it.

Checked off the list.

Now take me back home.

All this kindness and good cheer's working my last nerve.

[laughs] Guess you haven't quite learned the spirit of Christmas

yet.

You know, we got to hurry this along.

They don't give me much time, you know.

I heard you were a fast learner.

You better pick up the pace, bucko.

[music playing]

O Christmas tree, O Christmas tree,

thou tree most fair and lovely.

It's a very proper Christmas.

Perfect and glee.

A very proper Christmas with our [inaudible]..

It's a very proper Christmas [inaudible]

Star of wonder in the heaven, are you just a shining star

or should I follow you tonight?

Star of wonder, star of wonder.

Christmas time's upon us.

Fills our lives with cheer.

Brings us all together for a merry time this year.

[vocalizing]

A little bit of Christmas goes a long way.

It's in all of our hearts every day.

Give a...

Fezziwig is alive.

And still full of Christmas spirit.

(SINGING) Be kind with love...

It was just business.

(SINGING)... faith and belief.

But a little bit of Christmas comes a long way.

What's happening to you?

Christmas present.

The present is fleeting.

I have one day on Earth.

We have another stop to make.

Cratchit residents.

Cratchit residents.

Ho, ho, ho!

Hi, family!

Oh, come here, you guys!

You look so adorable.

Tim, how are you?

Tim looks so cute.

I know.

We've been waiting for you.

I know.

You know how it is.

How are you?

I'm good.

How are you?

What are you guys doing?

We are having daddy time.

All right, you guys.

Hold on.

I know.

It's arts and crafts, yes.

We're doing some daddy timeout right now.

So Ruby, you're in charge.

Tim, don't burn anything.

You look beat.

Scrooge is in a rare form tonight.

No, no, no.

I don't want to hear a single syllable about that...

Language.

...very difficult human being.

Thank you.

I always have to work in a place that toxic.

It's only toxic because of him.

I can manage.

In case you haven't noticed, we have a few mouths to feed.

I can go full time.

No.

Tim needs you here at home.

You shouldn't have to work at all.

The kids need you.

Well, we're going to have a conversation about this.

One more?

But... but not now.

Right.

Not tonight.

It's Christmas Eve.

Wow!

[laughter]

Wow.

I thought I threw all of those out.

You missed one.

I did.

And I'm glad you found it.

Wow.

Ta-daa.

Wow.

I don't even want to know where you got that.

Aren't we supposed to don now our gay apparel?

You have donned off our gay apparel.

That's how he spends my money.

He certainly doesn't spend it on his home.

I pay him a living wage.

Of course, if he has to adopt every orphan that

looks at him sideways, well, that's no business of mine.

Yes, I'm sure the state orphanages are so much more

homey than Drew and Bob's.

So we might have a development.

What's that?

Scrooge is not going to implement

the health plan I proposed.

[laughs]

It's OK.

We'll manage.

Yeah.

But how... you're too kind.

You're just too kind.

I'll show you kind.

OK.

What?

[laughs]

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

Oh, yes.

Oh, no.

No, no.

Oh, yes.

No, no, no.

Oh...

No.

...yes, yes.

No.

Mm-hmm.

You're bad.

Mm-hmm.

You're on the naughty list.

Mm-hmm.

Who's ready for our Christmas feast?

Me.

Nice sweaters, guys.

Christmas spirit, Simon.

Hi, gorgeous.

Happy Christmas, dad.

Happy Christmas to you.

I didn't have to take a nap because this year,

I'm in charge of the Christmas Eve breakfast.

Well, aren't you a big girl now.

Daddy, we missed you so much.

I missed you so much.

Holly's daddy had the day off today.

I'm sorry, sweetheart.

I'll have the day off too some day.

I promise.

And someday, we'll have a house.

With a yard, and you'll run around.

Oh, yes, you will.

[inaudible] taught us a song.

A Christmas song.

I want to hear it.

Yeah.

1, 2, 3, go.

(SINGING) Good King Wenceslas threw up

on the feet of Stephen.

And the presents and about all had thoughts of leaving.

[inaudible] in fact, they were quite groggy.

In the morning, Steve woke up and his shoes was soggy.

[laughter]

Bravo!

Bravo!

That was amazing!

That was amazing!

No!

Not until we eat first.

Let's get this show on the road!

Get over there...

Guys, help me with the tables.

Let's move them back to the couches.

And 1, 2, 3.

Easy, easy.

There we go.

There we go.

All right.

Now everybody hold hands.

Now who gets to say the Christmas prayer tonight?

Rafael, how about you do it?

Let Tim.

All right.

Tim, why don't you do it tonight?

God bless us everyone.

Let's eat!

[laughs]

[coughs]

Tim?

Honey?

Oh, God.

Drew, grab his oxygen. It's going to be OK, buddy.

Just relax.

Breathe slow, just like the doctor said, OK?

Just relax and breathe slow.

Thank you.

It's OK.

Here we go.

Deep breaths.

Deep breaths.

Relax, buddy.

Relax, relax.

It's OK.

Just relax.

Tell me the child is going to be OK.

Just tell me he'll be OK.

Tell me!

Whatever happened to decreasing the surplus population?

Home, James.

Home.

Ah, you see my children, ignorance and want.

Neither is the natural state of mankind.

Ignorance can grow to be wise, want can become plenty.

But nothing can be done without assistance.

Will the boy die?

We all will die.

Nothing can be done without assistance.

You know where to go.

Yes, I do.

Survival of the fittest.

Not survival of the warmest, fuzziest, fezziest.

Fezziwig.

OK, I see.

I get it.

I'll... I'll do better.

But I don't see why Bob's kid is my responsibility.

But I'll give him a raise.

A small raise.

A reasonable raise.

That should keep the child from dying.

[door buzzes]

[music playing]

Christmas future, I presume?

Maybe they didn't tell you, but I've seen enough

from the other spirits.

Tell Marley.

Tell him I'll be better to Bob.

I really don't need to see anymore.

So good night.

Season's greetings.

No.

[music playing]

Let's rejoice and dance like thunder, that old skinflint

is 6 feet under.

The man who hated Christmas

Dead, you know.

So Toutle Loo, you heartless rotter, you mean old grinch.

You, Mr. Potter.

Let's have three cheers and a jolly ho, ho, ho!

Oh, Ebenezer Scrooge was to Christmas what meatless

vegans are to Turkey day.

He frouned at love.

He lived to scorn.

He frazzled folks and he left to mourn.

He was a man who had a life no one will mourn!

Ebenezer Scrooge was to Christmas...

That's it then.

We'll have to close the doors.

Well, what else can we do?

Nothing.

We can only hope some of the other shelters take our boys.

Well, they're no better off.

I mean, this is effectively going

to put those boys right back out on the street again.

You'll never guess!

[panting] You'll never guess.

Give me your hand.

That's good.

Now what happened?

The bastard is dead.

Really?

It's about time.

That's unkind.

But true.

They say he was lying alone for four days.

Nobody missed him.

And no one will.

And after all the money he made from the community,

and he never gave back a dime, even when

he turned twigs into a condo and made a fortune.

I hate to say it, but I'm glad he's dead.

I mean, if it weren't for the shelter closing,

I'd probably be strapping on my tap shoes.

[laughter]

Oh, I wonder who will inherit everything?

I wonder where it'll all wind up.

Won't be here.

Why not?

What have my beauties got for me today?

All vintage.

All owned by some fastidious old queen who

never went to church on Sunday.

Where did you get these?

They haven't even moved the carcass yet?

Oh, we can get into spaces if we need to.

And it ain't illegal if the owner's dead.

Believe me, we looked for those money bags.

The old bag's money bags.

[laughter]

So what do you say?

Yeah.

You'll get your money.

Stay calm.

You'll get your money.

Let me take a look.

Oh, nice.

[inaudible]

Everybody, let's hold hands.

No.

Not the boy.

Our Tim is gone, guys.

[sobbing]

No.

No.

No!

Please.

Please, spirit, please, please.

Don't let it be too late.

There's time to change.

I know that there's time.

Please, I've learned so much from you spirits.

Don't show me.

Don't show me.

If you don't show me, then it won't be true.

No.

[music playing]

No.

[sobs] No!

No!

No!

No!

Please!

Please!

No!

No!

No!

Ben, one day you will understand.

One day, you will find grace.

And on that day, you'll know that I forgive you,

and I love you no matter what.

No matter what.

Bill.

Bill.

[sobs]

Home, awake, alive.

[laughs]

Home, awake, alive.

Oh, what day?

What day is it?

I'm still alive.

It's not too late.

Jake.

Jake.

I'm going to unforge my chains.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

But what day is it?

And it's 8:43 on Christmas morning...

[gasps] Thank you.

Thank you.

Oh, you intelligent reporter.

Brilliant investigation.

Oh, I love TV.

Oh, I'm not too late.

I'm not too late.

It's not too late.

[laughs] I'm awake.

I'm alive.

I'm awake.

And I can do better.

I can do better.

I will.

I will do better.

Watch me.

[laughs]

Yes.

And the name on the door is Cratchit.

C-R-A-T-C-H-I-T. Yes, it is a funny name, isn't it?

Thank you.

Oh, Merry Christmas.

It's a start.

Bob, did you order a 26 pound roast turkey

with all the trimmings and a pie big enough

to feed the entire North Pole?

No.

But if I don't have to cook it, let it in.

All right.

What is he talking about?

I know.

I want the potatoes!

[chatter]

Here are Christmas sunshine.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you.

Take that.

We'll talk tomorrow.

Christmas is no day for business.

[laughs]

[gasps]

[door bell dings]

Uncle Ben.

Can a contrite old man have a little Christmas cheer?

Of course.

Freda!

She is going to be so excited.

Mary, who is it, honey?

Uncle Ben.

I'm astonished.

Happy, but astonished.

Well, I did a little meditating last night.

OK, a lot.

And I woke up hoping to join my family if they'll have me.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Get in here.

[laughter]

You're late.

I'm sorry.

Sometimes it's hard to leave the family.

Everyone else is late too.

I assume they were fired.

Well, I did make some personnel changes.

And I'm not finished.

Cratchit.

I've given a lot of thought to the future of my business

and what function, if any, you will carry out.

Effective immediately, you are now a full partner

in all of my businesses.

I'm going to raise your salary too.

Oh, and that health plan... sign us up at once.

I also have a specialist waiting to see Tim tomorrow.

[laughs] Oh, and forgive me though for not consulting you,

but I'm giving these miscreants a big fat bonus.

He told us to come in this morning late.

And he's going to pay for studio time for us.

I'm thinking of dabbling in the music business.

Randy, drinks for everyone!

[cheering]

On the house.

Coming right up.

Yes!

To Ben Scrooge!

To Ben Scrooge!

To live to change!

Ah.

To Jacob Marley who made me want to.

And Ben Scrooge did change.

He kept his word to the spirits and to himself.

He found joy in every moment.

[music playing]

(SINGING) Let's rejoice and sing out clearly

about that sweet sweet guy whom we love dearly.

And the man who lives for Christmas, don't you know.

So fa-la-la and Godspeed to you.

My fellow man and ladies, boo-yah!

Let's have three cheers and a jolly ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho,

ho, ho!

Ebenezer Scrooge is a Christmas what gobble gobbles

are to Turkey day.

I have a gift for charity and sharing my prosperity.

A happy holiday I guarantee.

Ebenezer scrooge is to Christmas...

He gave back to the community that gave to him.

[cheering]

Hello, Ben!

Thanks for the little deuce too.

He remembered people who cared for him.

He became like a third father for Tim and his siblings.

He found time for his family.

He even found time to make a new family.

Our first Christmas.

The first of many.

[music playing]

And Ben Scrooge lived the rest of his life

as if every day was Christmas.

And for every life he touched, it was.

[MUSIC - JEN ZIAS, "ONE KISS FOR CHRISTMAS"]

(SINGING) Just like a flower blooming

under the snow, my love for you has never grown cold.

If you ask me what I want, I won't give you a list.

Just one kiss for Christmas.

[music - jason gould, "amazing"]

To keep my heart unbroken, I kept it locked away

A place no one could open.

And still, I was afraid.

So I can't quite explain it why I've given you the key.

Isn't it amazing to have you here with me?

Speaking words I've never spoken, but somehow seem

to know now I'm falling in slow motion, no fear of letting go.

All my life, I have been waiting for the courage that you see.

Isn't it amazing I am standing at this open door,

feeling more alive than I ever felt before?

Sure as the sun rise, I know it's not a dream.

For the very first time, awakening.

Every road I've never taken, every place I tried to hide,

I am ready now to face them, stepping out into the light.

All I life I have been waiting for this courage that you see.

Isn't it amazing?

Sure as the sun rise, I know it's not a dream.

For the very first time...

Isn't it amazing how brave your love made me?

[cheering]

[laughter]