Original subtitles

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[GRUNTS]

Dinner's ready, kids!

Oh, boy, eggs! Yum! Eggs. Yum!

I slave all day trying to keep this caravan tidy for your father,

and look at what you've done!

What's he done this time?

He's been using his imagination again!

It's a drawing of our family, Daddy.

What are us Crumpkins?

We're parts people! We're parts people!

We're parts people! We don't make things up. We take things to pieces!

Always have! Always will!

Five, four, three, two, one.

[TOASTER PINGS] Ping!

Sleep in, eh, Barry?

Scrambled, just how you like them.

[GULPS]

Eggs. Beats me how anyone can eat them.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

[GRUNTING]

Stay.

Huh?

[SCREAMING]

[EXCLAIMS]

Don't panic.

[YELLS]

[PHONE RINGING] Huh?

[MOTOR WHIRRING]

[MUFFLED EXPLOSION]

[SNEEZING]

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello?

[IRON HISSING] Ahhh!

[IRON THUDS]Ahhh!

Hello?

Nice one.

It's the neighbors. Oh, mate, this is Jenny.

Hello.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

[HENS CLUCKING]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING] Come on, this way.

BOY: Look, here, egg, egg.

♪ Eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs, eggs

♪ Eggs poached and scrambled ♪

[MACHINE RUMBLING]

Jesus, what a shitty fridge!

Anyway, back to me.

Here I am, mid-30s and I've finally realized my heart belongs in eggs.

You don't know how long I've waited to hear that, Duxton.

I mean, you have had such a dubious career path.

Kelvin, that's all behind me. I'm totally hip to health now.

That's where the new century's going. That's where I'm coming from.

[CAPPUCCINO MAKER GURGLING]

[CAPPUCCINO MAKER HISSING]

I thought Roger fixed that. He did.

Roger's our...

...maintenance man. Maintenance man.

[TOOLS CLANGING]

Roger! Gymbals jammed on number three yolk analyzer.

Good as fixed, Bob!

[TOOLS CLANGING]

I understand you're the firm's biz whiz? Just the accountant.

The boss tells me that you're well hung in the frontal lobe department.

So, happy with turnover, professor?

It's been falling but we're confident

things are really going to pick up in the next quarter.

That's what they said about the Roman Empire.

Profit isn't everything. Thank you, Lyndon.

Duxton, I respect the egg.

This humble sphere has sustained humankind through the ascent of civilization.

It's the symbol of life! Natural, nutritious, perfect.

[GRUNTING]

Our customers are like family and a man's family deserves the best. Right, Audrey?

The firm's policy has always been to value the quality of the egg.

And what about the quality of your bottom line?

Conservatism is the enemy of the entrepreneur.

If the Wright Brothers didn't take a few risks,

there'd be no such thing as frequent flyer points. Think about it.

[POWERING UP]

[WHIRRING]

[ROGER YELPING]

[EXCLAIMING] Whoa!

DUXTON: Two million free-range eggs a day.

[BARKS] [WHISTLES] There we are.

There's the pair of Leghorn layers daddy gave you.

How did you turn those two scrawny birds

into the biggest free-range egg empire in the country?

Love.

Love your customers. Love your workers.

Love your chickens.

Beautiful.

So what say I, uh,

start you off as... President of the company.

[LAUGHS]

Well, with that kind of ambition, maybe one day you'll...

That day is today. You're resigning. Making me head rooster.

Just sign where I've marked.

Why would I do that? Eggs are my life.

Well, I'm poaching your factory, now sign!

Over my dead body!

That is your option. I'm not scared of you!

Is that so? Maybe your girlfriend here would like a manicure.

No! I'll sign. But you're no longer a brother of mine.

Cool, that'll save me a Christmas card.

Kelvin wouldn't just leave without saying goodbye.

Goes to show how unimportant employees are to management.

Maybe Kelvin's brother will be good for the company.

I don't know. He seems kind of scary to me.

Hey you!

What a loser.

Get me wheels!

ROGER: You can't just dump Kelvin's fridge.

It's a rare 1959 Freezemaster Deluxe. It's a classic valve model!

It's s a disgrace! These old refrigerators are an environmental nightmare.

They leak fluorocarbons into the ozone layer.

But the sum of its parts is worth more than the whole fridge.

I could dismantle it and... Hey, fella!

We've only got one planet!

But dumping is wasteful. Why not recycle it? Recycle.

From here the scrap goes to the blast furnace for meltdown.

Straight to oblivion! Beautiful.

Top of the range, state of the art, twin door, auto defrost, Arctic Prince 2000!

ROGER: He said he used to be a top executive

for one of the biggest corporations in the world.

Then he told me he's come up with a vitamin enriched hen food

that'll produce super-healthy eggs!

He should be reducing costs, not increasing them!

He's a fiscal playboy! He'll destabilize our company!

But if his new chicken feed is even healthier,

our chooks'll be happier so they'll lay more humpties.

LYNDON: Hey, what will we have for dinner tonight?

ROGER: I can cook anything you like, as long as it's chicken.

LYNDON: I like Tandoori Chicken. I like Sweet and Sour Chicken.

I like Garlic Chicken, I like Southern Fried Chicken.

Good girl.

I like Hawaiian Chicken. I love barbequed Chi... Hold it.

What? Where's that fleabag hitching a ride to?

She needs a place to crash. So get her a room at the pound.

She's lonely without Kelvin. He just deserted her.

Dogs have got feelings, too. Haven't you, Audrey?

You know, Roger, you have so much love to give.

If you could just find the right woman.

I've found her, Lyndon. I mean a female of your own species.

[CHATTERING ON TV]

[BARKING]

[BOTH IMITATING HENS CLUCKING]

[EXHALES]

Hey, how about we hit the clubs tonight?

What for? What for?

You're a hot-blooded, testosterone-pumping male.

Sorry, I'll be too busy.

Doing what? My hobby.

Roger, taking stuff apart is not a hobby.

What you've got is a compulsive obsessive dismantling fixation.

If you ask me, it's you that's falling apart. You need to get out.

Get a life. Live a little!

Who'd look after Audrey and Barry?

Well, I think for one evening a dog and a goldfish can amuse themselves.

[BARKS]

Don't look at me. I'm not a dog person.

Lyndon,

you know I'm not very good with...

[MUMBLING]

Come on Roger, you can say it. Girls.

[SINISTER INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

[WOMEN CHATTERING] WOMAN: Circus.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

You know, babe, I'm a sucker for a well-cut uniform.

LYNDON: Oi!

[MOUTHING] Go...

Seiko.

What did you call me? He called you a psycho.

No. Your watch, Seiko!

Three hundred and seventy eight parts in those babies.

Main spring, rocker arm, spindle clips, timing gear, winder shaft...

I'm meeting somebody.

But I could do with a drink while I'm waiting.

Two Margaritas. Make them doubles.

Ah, thanks, but I don't drink much.

Relax. They're both for me.

And for you, Ace?

Milkshake. Make it vanilla.

[IN DEEP VOICE] So, you're interested in parts?

Yep. See you.

Are you here by yourself? No. I'm with him.

Fag? Huh?

No, thanks. I don't smoke personally.

You're not one of those anti-smoking fascists, are you?

[GROWLS] Yes.

I mean no. Go ahead then.

Filter, filter wrap, outer wrap, tobacco. That's about it, four parts.

Don't mind if I do.

Just the one.

♪ I'm the godfather of pimp

♪ I'm hyper-sexual

♪ It's all the biographic

[MOANS]

♪ Why, I'm the godfather of pimp

♪ I'm a skinny freaking mess

It takes seven seconds for the nicotine to reach the brain,

stimulate the neurons and create a brief, euphoric sensation.

Come on.

In some cases, the brain can develop an instant addiction after just one cigarette.

[COUGHS]

So, do you find people who smoke attractive?

[YELPS]

[WOMEN SCREAMING]

[GROANS]

Roger!

Do you know this dweeb?No.

Are you kidding!

[AUDREY WHIMPERS]

Come on, you guys. I only went out for few hours.

[GROWLS SOFTLY]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Holy moly, the last steak Duxton cooked was so tough he had to spend an hour...

What do you call it, Duxy? Masticating.

Oh, not that! I meant chewing it up.

[ALL LAUGHING]

Do me a favor chicken, don't ever change.

Bonsoir,Hanson, ca va?

Tres bien, merci, monsieurChevalier.

The Chateau de Sade. Is it to your taste?

[SNIFFS]

It's slightly corked. Take it back.

I can cook just about anything. So long as it's an omelet.

You know, before we met,

Sunday won the "Bucket Flats Chicken Sexer of the Year" award.

ANNOUNCER: And the 1998 winner is Sunday Valentine.

[FANFARE PLAYING]

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Twice, actually.

[DRUM ROLL] ANNOUNCER: 1999's winner is Sunday Valentine.

[SQUEALING]

[PEOPLE MURMURING] WOMAN: Not again!

What the hell's a chicken sexer?

A person who checks chickens to see if they've got nuggets or not.

[PEOPLE LAUGHING]

But that was a long time ago, and...

Sunday was the princess of poultry. Too bad she's got a brain to match!

[MEN GUFFAWING]

Hang on, you lot.

You've got to admit

she does have a cute little arse!

I don't like it when you're like this!

Sunday, it was a joke. Very funny. Not!

Who's asking you? If it wasn't for me, you'd still be up to your tits in chicken shit!

Without me you're nothing going nowhere.

I'm trying to do something worthwhile with my life.

Of course you are.

Sunday's involved in her own very important scientific research program,

aren't you, chicken? Yes.

She's trying to make contact with little green men!

[ALL LAUGHING]

I study the cosmos!

[CRYING] I'm not a chicken!

And I don't need you and that's that.

[EXCLAIMS]

She'll come groveling back, always does.

And when you do, get some decent shoes!

Okay, boys, fun's over.

Vern, I need to know I've got a steady supply.

No worries, dude. We're sitting on a stockpile the size of Everest.

[YAWNS]

[WHIRRING]

[RATTLING]

Is that you, Lyndon?

[GULPS]

[BOTH EXCLAIM]

What are you doing in this apartment? I live here.

No, you don't. You're a prowler. In pajamas?

This is my friend's place. She's a police person, and she'll be back any minute.

Now, get out!

[PANTING]

Sorry, I'm always doing something like this. I must have wandered into...

Wait a minute! These are my things. That's my goldfish!

Hello! Apartment 91! Maybe your tag's upside down.

Sixteen.

Holy moly! How embarrassing! Sorry.

[SHUDDERING]

Oh!

I've been having a little trouble with my tap.

Huh!

[GRUNTS]

Where'd you learn plumbing?

Didn't. Where I come from, if something doesn't work you just fix it.

No biggie.

[BOTH GIGGLING]

You're incredible with your hands!

I've never seen a man use a banana like that before.

Bye.

Bye.

[STAMMERING] No good with girls, eh?

Lyndon! She was just fixing my plumbing.

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING]

[BARKING]

[SCREAMING]

Get to your room!

So, you found the place okay?

No problem.

[LAUGHING] Come on.

Don't you just long to be back in Bucket Flats, sexing chickens?

Not! Not!

♪ A day never passes we don't check our chickens' arses! ♪

[LAUGHING]

What is it? Man trouble?

Yeah.

Men are from Mars.Uranus more likely.

Except for Wayne. He's totally supportive.

Can you believe we've been living together for almost a year?

You know the secret of a good relationship?

Loyalty.

[WHIMPERS]Oh...

Thank you, Wayne. Now go on, back to your room big boy!

Big boy! My big boy!

[INAUDIBLE]

[GASPS]

My big...

[MOANS]

So what now? You going back to Bucket?

Well, no! There nothing but chooks back there.

I mean, you got out and achieved something with your life.

Yeah. Dealing with chicken shit every day was perfect training for becoming a cop.

[BOTH GIGGLE]

l guess I still have to find out who I am and why we're here,

the meaning of

everything.

How long is this going to take?

This sleepover thing's only for a night or two, right?

Oh, yeah. It's just until I find a job.

[MAN OVER RADIO] Weather Jocks are saying today's the

sizzlingest scorcher this summer,

and the forecast for the morning? Hot, hot, hot!

♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole

♪ Ole, ole, ole, ole

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

♪ Feelin' hot, hot, hot

Pathetic sardine can. You've got to get yourself something more practical!

Yeah! A big V8 1950's convertible.

Now, there's a piece of automotive poetry.

As if.

Cuba! That's the place for you.

Why? They haven't been able to import cars there

for 40 years.

So, the streets are frozen in time with 1950s auto-Americana!

Cuba sounds like car heaven!

[TIRES SQUEAL]

Since when did you start sucking the gaspers?

♪ I'm in love with my car

♪ I'm in love with my car

♪ Some people may lie

[GASPS] ♪ But it's all right

I thought you fixed the brakes. I did.

[SCREAMS] ♪ Don't be afraid of me

[BOTH SCREAMING] ♪ It's not unusual

♪ To fall in love with your vehicle ♪

Gee, I thought this thing had airbags.

[SQUEAKING]

Tomorrow, I'm catching the bus.

Wow. Check out all these great parts!

Don't even think about it.

This place is weird.

Roger, come on.

[GASPS]What do you suppose it means?

Well, it's a Volkswagen hubcap.

[LAUGHS] Oh, no.

It's not a hubcap.

Mightn't know much about much, but I know parts.

This here's an early '60s V-Dub bud cap.

[GRUNTING]

[ROGER EXCLAIMS]

So how did a hubcap get embedded in a million year old rock?

It's yours now.

Oops!

I'm ringing about the job cleaning motel rooms.

A university degree in hospitality?

[SUNDAY CHATTERING]

[GUNSHOT]

That new vitamin enriched chook feed of yours is a hit with our chickens.

First farm figures in indicate this morning's egg count has gone ballistic!

That's great, really great.

Is something up?

My girlfriend chucked a wobbly and hasn't come home for days.

She must have another guy! I mean, why else would she leave?

Well, perhaps she needed you to express more of your vulnerable, sensitive side.

Do you really think so?

It's possible.

The bitch!

[BEEPING]

Hello there.

How's your pipes?

Holy moly! I feel like such a drip for barging in on you.

You must have thought I was completely nuts.

No, you're not completely nuts.

You're not nuts at all.

Sunday Valentine.Roger Crumpkin.

[EXCLAIMS]

Better get back to it.

Me, too.

Do you ever think about space?

Oh, yeah. I'd like to have a lot more of it in my apartment.

There are more stars in the universe

than there are grains of sand on all the beaches in all the world.

Wow! You're really smart.

Nobody ever said anything like that to me before.

Well, they should have.

You're not making fun of me, are you?No.

Do you think we're alone?

I mean in the universe.

Up here, its' like we're floating through the galaxy.

My dream is to...

You'll probably think this is silly.

No. Tell me.

My dream is to find proof

that we're not the only speck of intelligent life in the cosmos.

Imagine, if there were other thinking beings

out there.

Our tiny little planet wouldn't seem so lonely.

Be nice not to be lonely.

ROGER'S FATHER: What are us Crumpkins?

ROGER'S BROTHER: We're parts people! ROGER'S SISTER: We're parts people!

ROGER'S FATHER: We're parts people! We don't make things up. We take things to pieces!

Always have! Always will!

No dinner. And you can stay out there until all this imagination nonsense

is washed out of your silly, little head!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

I never used my imagination again.

[MOON RIVERTUNE PLAYING]SUNDAY: ♪ Two drifters

♪ Off to see the world

♪ There's such a lot of world to see

♪ We're after the same

♪ Rainbow's end

I couldn't help myself.

I'm a shopaholic.

At least you went out and bought something to cheer yourself up!

So,

any nibbles?

It's like you need a Doctorate in Stamp Licking to get a crummy post office job!

Hey, no offence but you're never going to get anywhere dressed like that!

Anyway,

until you score a gig

my dump is your dump.

Oh, thanks, Rikki!

[LAUGHS]

You're a real pal.

Of course, I'm going to need some rent money.

Of course.

Oh, wow!

What do you think?

It's the most gorgeous thing I've ever seen.

Careful! I don't want egg on it!

Melons! Psychiatrists would have a field day with all this stuff!

My lunch? Well, it's sexy.

It's very sexy, all curved food.

And what about this hubcap that you're totally obsessed with?

It's curved, isn't it?

You see Jung said that an obsession with curved objects

indicates an uncontrollable flowering of the senses.

I'm not obsessed with curved objects.

It's that girl, isn't it? You've fallen for her! No, I haven't.

Yes, you have. No, I haven't.

Now look, the secret with women is that...

[WHISPERING] The secret with women is that you have to show them

that you're interested in the same things they're interested in.

So, what's she into? Tennis? Hiking? Movies?

Extraterrestrial Beings.

Jesus!

And listen to this one,

"A pizza delivery man from Bristol, England, claimed he was abducted for three hours

"into a parallel universe."

"He said aliens stole two salami supreme pizzas

"then conducted experiments on his sexual organs!"

I hate that. Come on, let's go.

Plus, there's this whole lift-out guide in here to flying saucer spotting!

Oh, that'll come in handy.

Roger? Help!

[BED CREAKING]

ROGER: Whoa!

[MUFFLED] Help!

SPORTSCASTER: At a rapid rate of knots is Jason Johnson once again

[BARKING] following up his good work. Taking number 28...

For Pete's sake, it's junk! We don't know what it is!

It's obviously off an old Volkswagen!

Then how come it's not listed in any Volkswagen parts manual?

Besides, VW bug caps don't have this bevelled lip!

I'll give you a bevelled lip.

[HI-PITCHED RESONATING]

[EXCLAIMS]

[SIZZLING]

Not even warm.

This is the key to her heart.

Sunday, hi.

Guess what this is?

She'll think I'm an idiot.

I am an idiot.

No!

I'm not an idiot. I'm not an idiot. I am not an idiot.

I'm not an idiot. I'm not an...

[EXCLAIMING]

Skiing is perfectly safe. The chances of anything happening are...

Avalanche!

[SCREAMING]

Silly mummy. I forgot your bottle.

[BABY CHUCKLES]

[GASPS]

[SCREAMS]

[HEAVY METAL BLARING]

Excuse me.

Hey!

Hello!

Excuse me!

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC BLARING]

[INDISTINCT SCREAMING]

Hey, where'd you think you're going?

[EXCLAIMING]

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[GASPS]

Huh?

RIKKI: Is that you Wayne?

Wayne? Who's Wayne?

[GROWLING]

[MUFFLED SCREAMING]

No!

[WAYNE SNARLING]

[GRUNTING]

Oh, Sunday. Hi. Guess what this is?

Oh, Sunday... Hi.

What have you been doing? Just putting out the garbage.

[GASPS]

Are you okay?

This is part of an Alien spaceship!

I'm pretty sure that was made by the Volkswagen people, not by Martians.

This wasn't made by Martians.

They'd be beings from way outside our solar system!

You can't cut it, burn it or dent it. It's indestructible.

That's German manufacturing for you.

Look, if bits and pieces were falling off spaceships all over the city,

don't you think a few million people would have noticed?

What if there were no people around.

One more time? Okay, imagine this.

A flying saucer crashes to Earth and sinks into a prehistoric bog.

Then a volcano erupts, Uh-huh.

and lava buries the alien spaceship under layers of rock.

Right.And then, mankind comes along

and builds a city on top. Yep.

And then one day they're excavating to build a skyscraper,

and then what?

They almost uncover the space ship.

So, if this hubcap is part of it,

then the rest of the thing must be buried down there somewhere.

Holy moly, what an imagination!

Do you really think that we can find a flying saucer?

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

[ROGER GRUNTING]

Another teapot.

Another teapot.

Call me old fashioned,

but I think you're more likely to find a flying saucer up there.

[BEEPING]

[BEEPING RAPIDLY]

Sunday! I'm coming!

This is no teapot.

Perfect oval shape!

[METALLIC CLANG]

Huh!

It couldn't be. Could it? Wow.

SUNDAY: Holy moly!

[LOUD RUMBLING]

Prepare yourself.

What we're about to witness what maybe too complex for the human mind to comprehend.

Oh.

Bummer. Major.

But everything points to this being off an alien spaceship.

Well, if I see a flying saucer with only three hubcaps I'll let you know.

It's got to be down here somewhere. Roger!

Maybe you should give intelligent life a rest for while.

My bad luck is contagious and you don't need any more of it.

I've got to go.

Would you like to have dinner tonight?

No, I can't!

My life is... Well, it's complicated right now.

But, you've got to eat. If you're hungry, that is.

Do you think you'll be hungry?

I'll be starving.

Sunday Valentine, you look like a dag!

[SIGHS]

[GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING]

Hip hip... ALL: Hooray!

Hip hip... ALL: Hooray!

Come on, Mr. Grumpy, blow it out!

Jeez Duxton, you've got your balls in a knot tonight.

The bitch didn't even send me a card!

Well, maybe she didn't know. Of course she didn't know!

Do you think I'd tell her I was turning 40?

[ALL GASP]

Happy birthday from a friend... Me!

Thanks.

For caring.

You know, I was fooling myself,

pretending I'd have a lasting relationship with that dumb country kid.

So, let's party!

[ALL CHEERING]

You sure make that dress look pretty.

Actually it's my friend's.

I just borrowed it.

But most of all...

I love your frog skin shoes.Snakeskin. Thanks.

They're mine, they're my favorite!

[EXCLAIMS]

Check them out!

Travel much? The odd bus trip.

What do you know about Cuba?

Tropical beaches, hot music, cool people.

Hemingway called it paradise! So did Lyndon!

Who's Hemingway?A great writer.

He said he didn't need to use fancy $20 words to say what he had to say.

That's honest.

And then one day, he felt really, really bad, so he shot himself.

That's a bit too honest. Yeah.

[GIRLS GIGGLING]

[CELL PHONE RINGING] Your uniform is so tight I can hardly breathe.

Hello.

She is? Merci beaucoup,Hanson.

She's at Mummies.

Alone? No, she's with some guy.

But that's okay, that's no problem.

They reckon men and women have different physical needs.

But I read the average is three times a week.

It's not how many that counts. It's all in your technique.

What's your favorite way of doing it?

I like to beat it until it gets really stiff.

Just eat your food, Harvey!

Until it can stand right up by itself.

The stiffer the better, as far as I'm concerned.

Then what do you do? Well...

It's delicious on its own.

Or you can use it for meringues or omelets.

You see, the thing about egg white is, it has absolutely no cholesterol!

You sure know a lot of stuff!

Only about eggs.

I would never have known there were 14 parts to that pepper grinder

until you pointed them all out.

I've never been able to talk like this with a girl of the opposite sex!

Me either.

Well? Is it to monsieur'staste?

[GULPS]

Very nice.

[SWALLOWING NOISILY]

If you could be anywhere right now, where would you be?

Here. Me too.

SUNDAY: Do it now. Kiss me, Mr. Perfectly Right.

Smile!

Somehow I never pictured you as a smoker.

Oh, I only smoke for taste. I can give them up any time. No worries.

There you go. I'm cutting down already.

[GRUNTS]

Let me help you with that. No, it's... Okay.

[GRUNTING]

[GASPS]

[SNEEZES]

My earring.

Got him. Oh!

I heard how they fix this.

Oh!

Why don't we just get the bill and split before...

Anything else happens. Okay.

[GLASS SHATTERING]

Maybe we should just go get a hot dog.

[ENGINE SPUTTERING]

Holy moly, Rikki!

Roger!Huh?

I've got to go. Right.

Come on, don't let me down.

Please, just this once.

[ENGINE STARTS]

Yes!

[LAUGHS TRIUMPHANTLY]

[EXCLAIMING]

Bummer. Major.

Sorry. Thanks.

I'll get a cab.Yeah.

You'd better stay away from me. I'm a catastrophe.

Oh, Roger, it's not all your fault.

It's, well...

It is all your fault.

[CRYING] And that's that.

Taxi!

[SOBBING]

Are you okay?

[SIGHS]

Crumpkin!

[GROANS]

Mr. Chevalier!

Are you okay? My girl left me.

Same thing just happened to me.

Mine's as cute as a button, but not very bright.

Mine's real smart.

Well, see, there's your problem right there.

Hey, if Napoleon couldn't hang on to his girl,

what hope have a couple of jerks like us got?

Women.

They're like some alien species living amongst us.

They love to hurt us. That's why men need business.

Our new eggs hit the supermarket shelves tomorrow.

I hardboiled myself a six-pack and I'd like you to have it.

Oh.

Thanks, but I don't actually eat eggs personally and...

Management can always learn something

from the little guy on the factory floor,

no matter how simple he may be.

Say "Ah."

Ah.

[SWALLOWS]

Have a couple more for breakfast,

drop by my office, tell me how you feel about them.

I hope you get your girl back.

You too.

♪ Been watching so much TV

Nice guy.

♪ I'm thinner than I should be

♪ I'm like a waterlogged ball

♪ That no one wants to kick around anymore

♪ An all day morning hairdo

♪ That no comb can get through

♪ I know every tune about guys and girls

♪ And hurts and hearts and moans

♪ I miss you like sleep

♪ And there's nothing romantic about the hours I keep

♪ The morning when it starts

♪ I don't look so sharp

♪ Now I got a heavy heart

Well, Corporal, my command post is on the 29th floor.

What say I fix my bayonet and we hit the trenches?

You know, it's been a nice night Lionel, don't spoil it.

It's Lyndon. Whatever. See you.

Oh...

Man, that army babe was scorching!

Had to hose her down and return her to base.

You make friends so easily.

Oh, yeah.

How did you go with the space cookie?

Never got off the ground.

You're never going to pull chicks in that heap.

[CAR EXPLODES]

Hey sport,

your consideration for non-smokers would be appreciated.

Pickle it! Sorry, Lyndon.

Didn't even realize I was doing it.

That's because the nicotine is messing with your brain's receptors.

I've never been in love before. Not ever.

You're right.

This is just a lousy hubcap.

What was I thinking?

Hey, don't worry...

If I know anything about women, she'll be back.

I love your eyes.

I love your nose.

I love your ears.

[GIGGLES]

I love your toes.

Wait a minute.

This is a dream, isn't it? Quack!

LYNDON: Roger, have you seen my laptop? Huh?

No.

[AUDREY BARKING]

[CHATTERING ON TV]

What's this?

Your laptop. Sorry. Couldn't sleep.

All you do is wreck everything!

Maintenance man? What a joke!

You know, the only reason that you hold down that job

is because every day of your life, I cover for you.

Passive smoking is carcino-friggin-genic!

I tried to quit last night.

I tried everything.

Quit smoker's gum.

Quit smoking pills.

Self-hypnosis tapes.

Nicotine patches. You're pathetic.

No wonder that girl walked out on you! You've got nothing to offer her.

I love her.

Did you tell her that?

I don't know how.

"I don't know how." Exactly!

Well, I'm fed up sharing this disintegrating dump

with the egg-eating fish and the short-arse sports freak.

I'm finding my own pad. That's it, I'm out of here.

Lyndon.

Can we still be friends?

Oh, no.

Your "use by" date is up, pal!

[EXCLAIMS]

Breakfast, right?

At least this is good for something.

Breakfast, Barry?

There you go.

Well, I lost Sunday. And I lost Lyndon.

But at least I still got you guys.

[GASPS]

Barry!

No! No!

Ahhh!

Barry!

[BLOWS NOSE]

[SOBBING]

But it's commercial insanity to export! You're moving way too fast.

When people feel the benefits they'll be back for more.

[HORN HONKS]

Why would other countries go crazy over our eggs when they've got eggs of their own?

Because I improved the god damn product!

You're on hold.

Your girl, right?

How did you know?

Because I used to look at my girl just like that.

Listen.

Last night, I was feeling pretty sorry for myself.

But you made me realize

that everybody loses somebody, and the world still goes on.

[MUSIC BOX PLAYING] But it was my grandmother's. It must be worth...

Fifty! Take it or leave it, love.

Can you fly this monster?

So, what information do you need from me to make this thing happen?

Sugar?

I'll need to know how many international markets you want to target.

Six. Six.

No, second thoughts, make that seven.

That'd be England, Japan, France, Germany, Italy, the States, of course,

and I suppose you'll want a South American market.

What about Argentina? Chocolate on top?

No, make it Chile. Okay, Chile.

But you know Duxton, the more I think about this export gig, the more I'm worried.

Are you sure you want chili?

Don't be the conservative little prick I always thought you were! Just do it!

LYNDON: Okay.

I said Chile, and I mean Chile!

Fine. But to meet these export figures,

we'll need to buy at least another 20 million laying hens!

More! More! Make it twice that!

You know, when Sir Walter Raleigh first brought tobacco to England,

the government of the day tried to ban it.

They couldn't handle something that had no other function than to give man pleasure!

We've come a long way since those days, right Roger?

Right. Wrong!

Same thing is happening all over again.

The tobacco industry's being persecuted.

Cigarette? Oh, no, thank you.

Really?

So, how did you meet this chick?

She just barged into my apartment and fell on top of me.

[LAUGHING]

Popped the buttons right off my pajamas!

[COUGHING]

So, how's your cappuccino?

A little sweet.

A little hot.

Going to hit a few balls? Yep.

[EXCLAIMS] Boy!

Now, don't go blaming yourself for this, Roger.

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE] Okay.

Where does this Sunday girl live?

In my apartment building with her friend.

How did you know her name was Sunday?

Because she's mine!

But don't worry.

I'm going to make sure she never hurts any man again.

I just wanted you to know that before you go.

Before I go.

Ah!

Big chill time, Crumpkin.

You squashed your own brother! Recycled.

What the heck's going on?

This is why you get the twin door.

Have you got your phone? Right!

We can call the cops.

Roger, under pressure you are a genius.

There's not much power left. Enough for one call.

[PHONE RINGING]

Hello? Sunday!

You're calling babes? Roger.

You're in deep trouble.

Yeah, Rikki was pretty steamed about her dress.

It's nice of you to call,

but last night was a mega mistake.

Whatever you do, don't hang up. Goodbye.

She hung up.

[WHIMPERING]

You know, I've always envied you.

Me? You've got it all.

Great personality, top job, women love you.

I don't know anything about love!

Come on, you're always out with a different girl.

That's because they all leave me!

I can never keep a woman.

That's not true. What about that inflatable one? You kept her for years.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Hello. Lunch?

No can do. I've got my hands full downsizing staff.

Before we die,

I just want to shake the hand of the best mate a bloke could ever have.

Lyndon, that's not my hand.

[BOTH SCREAMING]

You saved my life.

Sunday!

I didn't expect to see you again.

Happy birthday.

You remembered.

That's one of the reasons I adore you, you little minx.

It's not going to work!

One more chance, squirrel? No!

Where are you going? We need to talk, possum, about you and me.

There's nothing to discuss. I'm not right for anybody.

You're right for me, chicken.

It's over. Get over it.

Well, then, for old time's sake, fluffy ducky.

At least let me drive you to wherever you're going.

Duxton, just back off!

Kitty cat!

To be alone with you for even one minute

would make me as happy as a pig in poo!

Around you I'm just a love-sick puppy.

Okay.

You can drive me. On one condition.

No more stupid animal references, they really bug me!

Oh, no.

Sunday!

You know, Dux.

There is one positive thing that came out of our relationship.

I learned to take control of my life.

Well, that's a good thing.

Hey, this isn't the way to the bus station.Shortcut.

So, you got yourself a new toyboy?

What?

Where'd you get this? Doesn't matter.

You're right. It doesn't matter.

I won't be seeing Roger ever again.

He may seem a little clumsy, but deep down, he's a genuine...

[BRAKES SCREECH] No!

Holy moly, what was that?

Just a bump in the road.No Duxton, it sounded squashy!

We better check it out. Back up.

Okay. Okay. Back up!

Stop!

We've definitely run over something!

I'm going to check it out.

When you left, it wasn't just my pride you tore apart.

You broke my heart.

I'm sorry, Duxton.

The last thing I want to do is to hurt anybody.

Roger! What happened?

Car accident.

He wants to kill you!

He's brain-damaged.

Well, that's because you ran over him.

Well, who are you going to believe, me or this goose?

Well, bunny rabbit?

Ooh.

I said no more animal references!

[SCREAMING]

[AUDREY BARKING]

Egg? No.

Mind if I have one? Sure.

I think I backed the wrong horse.

Looks like we outsmarted him.

Maybe you need help.

Right! I'll call the cops!

RECORDED MESSAGE: Thank you for calling the Police Quick Response Squad.

We value your call and you'll be placed in a queue

to be answered by the first available operator. Please hold.

Roger, are you okay?

No.

I think I'm addicted to eggs.

Eggs aren't addictive.

[GASPS]

Man, it's a pigsty in here!

Stay back.

Or you'll beat me?

MAN ON PHONE: Hello, Police Quick Response Squad.

Yes, hello, excuse me.

You're in a lot of trouble, buster.For what?

Nowhere on these egg cartons does it say

"Health Warning: These eggs can kill you."

He's been putting tobacco in the chicken feed!

Management can always learn something from the worker, eh, Roger?

I should have killed you first then crushed you. Simple mistake.

Won't happen again.

Look at this.

Ever heard of defrost?

Oh...

I don't know how people can live like this.

Okay, the place is a little untidy.

But that's nothing compared to getting innocent people hooked on nicotine!

Ratbag-lefty-greeny-do-gooder!

Outside that window, the world's disintegrating and what's your solution?

Kick the tobacco industry around. Easy target, ain't we?

I hate you, turning defenseless little chickens into tobacco junkies!

You're fools if you think you can beat us.

We'll just keep coming back in a different form.

Eggs today, milk tomorrow.

Then what, baby food?

We're working on it.

You're one sick puppy!

And you're dead! Get in!

Both of you!

Got a cigarette?

I'm sorry, Roger, but I'm not spending the final moments of my life

locked in a refrigerator breathing someone else's smoke.

Please!

I'm falling to pieces!

I got to have one last puff!

I can dig that.

It's a confined space in here!

Chill, baby! It's not the cigarette that's going to kill you.

[SNICKERING]

Go!

[GRUNTING]

[SUNDAY SCREAMING]

[EXCLAIMING]

SUNDAY: Roger!

[SCREAMING]

[GROWLING]

[EXCLAIMS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

Roger!

Roger!

Bye-bye, bunny!

[GROWLING]

Don't mess with a psychopath!

[SCREAMING]

You killed my fish!

[SCREAMING]

Ew!

The ambulance boys have got a mother of a mess to clean up down there.

I've been meaning to fix that ironing board, Officer.

Lyndon.

[AUDREY BARKING] Roger.

Okay. Scram, you little runt!

She sure loves you.

Well, yeah, I'm a real dog person.

She's so pretty.

She was part of a music box.

I know, I used to have one.

Why did you take it to pieces?

That's what I do.

Do you ever put things back together?

No.

Bye, Roger.

You can't go.

You've still got to prove we're not alone in the universe!

As if.

How could I be anything but a chicken worker?

We are what we are, and that's that.

Oh, well.

if you're ever passing through Bucket, I make a great omelet.

[MOON RIVERTUNE PLAYING]

Sunday!

MAN: Excuse me, lady.

[PANTING]

It's for you.

Hurry up, lady!

Coming!

I have to go.

Better take it before I drop it.

[MOON RIVERTUNE PLAYING]

You did this for me?

You made me realize that parts are like people.

They belong together.

Are you on or off?

Thanks.

Well, that's all I wanted to say.

Would you like to have dinner?

I mean, if you're hungry.

Are you hungry? I'm starving.

♪ Moon River Wider than a mile

♪ I'm crossing you in style

♪ Some day

♪ Oh, dream maker

♪ You heart breaker

♪ Wherever you're going

♪ I'm going your way

[AUDREY BARKING]

♪ Two drifters

♪ Off to see the world.

♪ There's such a lot of world to see

♪ We're after

♪ The same rainbow's end

♪ Waiting 'round the bend

♪ My huckleberry friend

♪ Moon River

♪ And me

[BOTH EXCLAIM]

[WELCOMEPLAYING]

Right.

MAN: Action.

Barry, get out...

Camera, action!

Action!

[LAUGHING]

[CREW LAUGHING] Too close. Yeah.

[SCREAMING]

[GRUNTING]

[SCREAMING]

[SWALLOWS]

[LAUGHING]

[GLASS SHATTERING]

[SIZZLING]

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMING]

Cut.

Barry!

[CREW LAUGHING]

Bad dog!