Original subtitles

Older Ted: Every architect can point to that one design that changed their career.

For me, it was around the time of my 31st birthday.

It wasn't a museum or a concert hall or a skyscraper.

It was something else.

We're opening a restaurant called rib town, and we want it to be shaped...

Like a cowboy hat.

Look, I need the work. I don't have any other options.

Well, there's always that teaching job.

Yeah, I didn't work this hard to be stuck in some crappy, dead-end teaching job.

No offense, Lily. I got peed on three times today.

No arguments here.

I just gotta nail this hat building, so I'll see you all in three days.

Older Ted: For the next three days, I worked harder

than I'd ever worked in my life.

And I got nowhere.

Hey, Ted, what're you doing?

Designing a building shaped like a hat.

Now a good time to chat? No.

So, what do you think of Robin?

Barney, I really need to get to work, so...

Great. Say you and I went suit-shopping,

and you happened upon a beautiful suit, a beautiful Canadian suit.

Double-breasted.

You try it on, but it's not exactly the right fit for you.

So, you put it back. Then I try it on.

I don't really want

to take the same suit that you had your eye on, but at the same time,

I really like that suit.

Buy the suit, Barney. You clearly care about it.

Tell the suit how you feel. Okay.

But, Ted, remember that that was your answer because...

The suit is Robin.

I know!

Right?

I'm with you, buddy. You are now.

Because I explained it to you. What are you...

Come on, dude, you've been at this for three days without a break.

Now, it's your birthday. Come up to the roof and have a beer with me.

No can do. Presentation is tomorrow. Hat buildings don't design themselves.

It's a rib joint for fat tourists.

Just make sure the doors are wide and the chairs are reinforced.

Now, birthday beer on the roof. Let's go!

Why do you want me to come up to the roof so bad?

What, are you throwing me a surprise party?

What? Come on.

Ted, we threw you a surprise party last year, okay?

You don't get two surprise parties in a row.

The fact that anyone showed up to the first one was surprise enough.

Right? Two surprise parties in a row! That is rich!

That is rich!

Classic! Classic...

He still won't come up.

Come on. What the crap?

I knew having a second surprise party was a bad idea.

Yes, Robin, I know. This party is... it's a disaster.

It was my idea. I take responsibility.

And there's really only one thing to do about it.

Oh, Marshall, no. Lily, I have to do this!

There's no point in putting it off any longer.

Older Ted: I should explain. You see, a few years earlier...

Uh-uh. Forget it. This is so not pimped out.

If anything, this is pimped in.

You know who knows how to live? Those people.

Older Ted: Ah. The rooftop patio one building over from ours.

Across a chasm of just six or seven feet awaited a landscaped paradise.

And best of all...

That looks to be one hot tub.

Great. How do we get over there? What are we gonna do? Jump?

I can jump that far.

Marshall, lately it takes you two tries to get off the sofa.

You can't jump that far.

Oh, really? Really.

Watch me.

Older Ted." But he didn'tjump.

This actually is kind of nice. Right? Right?

Okay. Okay.

And in the years that followed, he kept almost jumping.

Okay.

Okay!

But each time, without fail...

Okay. Here we go.

He didn't jump.

But don't worry. 'Cause if I can make this jump tonight,

it's totally gonna save the party.

Honey, please get down from there. Lily!

When evel knievel sat astride his star-spangled rocket

on the rim of snake river canyon,

do you think his wife said, "honey, get down from there"?

For the last time, I am not Linda knievel! I will never be Linda knievel!

You don't need to remind me.

Marshall, please, don't do this. Please, don'tjump.

I'm sorry, Lily, but I gotta do this.

Why? You can't do this.

You want a reason? I'll give you a reason.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, my god! Oh, my god, really?

Lily, I mean, I noticed that you gained some weight lately, but I didn't...

I was lying, you jerk!

Oh, go ahead and jump. I hope you die!

That's all the permission I need.

Listen, Robin.

There's something I have to tell you. But wait.

Before you do, I have to tell you something first.

What is it? I think I'm in love with you.

It's Ted. Everybody, shh! Shh! Shh!

Hey, Ted, what's up? It's here, Lily.

It's looking at me.

What is? The goat.

Older Ted: Now, I've told you some of the story of the goat already.

How aunt Lily invited a local farmer to come talk to her class,

and how he brought a goat,

and how he told the whole class what he was gonna do to the goat later that day.

And how aunt Lily, in a fit of mercy,

bought the goat off the guy in order to commute its sentence.

Lily, something amazing has happened.

I was talking to Robin, I was all set to tell her how I feel,

but before I could, you'll never believe what she said.

I think I'm in love with you.

Aw! What did you say? What do you think I said?

What would anyone say to something like that?

Yeah, Robin, listen.

You're great.

I mean, you're really awesome, but, I mean, we're friends.

It's probably a bad idea. I guess you're right.

Have a good party. You, too, kiddo.

What? It's like, as soon as she said that,

no more feelings. I'm not in love with her anymore.

So, you've been in love with this girl for the past year,

and the second she reciprocates those feelings,

- just like that, you're over her. - How great is that?

No.no! Thsis a washcloth. Not food.

What the...

Okay. This is it.

Here

this is it.

Tracey, Tracey, tell Lily what you just told me.

Um, that I just moved to New York?

No, no, but tell her how you got here.

I just got off the bus from Iowa.

Just got off the bus from Iowa!

How lucky is it that an aspiring dancer

just off the bus from Iowa

runs into the producer of the rockettes?

I feel like I'm in one of those classic show-biz stories.

Oh, honey, you are. You really are.

Hey, Tracey, why don't you make me one of those rum and beers

that your dad loves so much? Sure thing.

Damn it. What?

Everybody always says, "don't tell Lily. Lily can't keep a secret."

And, usually, they're right.

But this time, I kept the secret.

And then you come along with this crap

and you force me to pull an old classic Lily and spill the beans!

What beans? There's beans?

There's beans.

The suit is Robin.

I know!

Right?

I'm with you, buddy. You are now.

Because I explained it to you. What are you...

Barney: There you go.

Oh, crap.

He said that? Oh, my god! Whoa!

What a tremendous, groundbreaking surprise!

How long have you known? Eight months.

And you've kept it a secret since then? Good for you.

Yeah. Wow. Good for you, Lily.

I mean, what a bombshell. Who saw that coming?

How long have you known? Seven months, 29 days.

What am I going to do?

I don't know. What are you going to do?

I'm going to marry Barney in a big church wedding.

And we're going to move to some sleepy New Hampshire town

and open a bed-and-breakfast.

Oh! Aw!

Really? No! It's Barney!

I mean, it's Barney.

But it's Barney. I gotta tell him no.

Oh, man, you're going to break his...

Whatever it is that pumps that black sludge through his veins.

Crap. You're right.

The first time Barney expresses feelings for a girl, and she rejects him?

And not just any girl. I mean...

It will destroy him.

Okay, well, first of all...

Second of all, there is a maneuver you can try.

It's high-risk, but it's also high-reward.

For lack of a better term, I'm going to call it

"the mosby." The mosby?

No, she couldn't mosby him.

She could mosby the crap out of him. What's the mosby?

Robin, you remember your first date with Ted?

You wanted to hop on the t-train, take a ride downtown.

I was ready to jump that turnstile. What changed all that?

I think I'm in love with you. What?

Oh! The mosby!

That is genius. Thank you.

And, excuse me.

Oh, I mean, you're very pretty, but you're freakishly tall,

and you don't believe in ghosts.

So, when she said she thinks she's in love with me,

she meant the opposite. Exactly.

And look how well it worked. You're back to normal.

Yes. Yes, I am. And it is great. It's awesome.

So, robhfsnotm love with me. Nope.

Why not?

Mr. Goat?

Mr. Goat?

Okay. That's it.

Stupid goat.

I do not understand your fascination with this washcloth.

I guess that's what happens when you have a brain the size of a...

No! No! No!

Okay. Okay. Okay.

Marshall, can you just go get Ted?

Lily, I was just about to jump.

Didn't you hear me saying "okay" over and over again?

I'm sorry. Go ahead and jump. No, it's fine.

Sorry, everybody. Lily won't let me jump.

Yeah.

Thank god.

Hospital!

What happened, exactly?

What happened

is you let a freaking wild animal into our apartment.

I was savaged.

That is the sweetest, cutest little goat in the whole world.

Sweetest, cutest little goat in the whole world?

Older Ted: I was pretty sleep-deprived at this point,

so this probably isn't how it really happened,

but here's how I remember it.

So, you're the guy who tried to make it with a goat?

Hey, if anything, that goat tried to make it with me.

Can I go, please? Sure, you can go.

But remember, buddy, "baa" means "baa."

Great. Great. Now I'm going to be late for my presentation.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Goat.

Mr. Goat? Ted, that goat's a girl.

Her name's missy. You got beat up by a girl.

So. You're in love with me. What?

Oh, yeah. Very much.

Okay, you can knock it off. Lily told me.

Oh, damn it, Lily! I can't believe you would do that.

It's just... like, I care about you, Barney.

And this kind of stuff, the emotional stuff?

It's not your thing. I thought I'd save you the trouble.

Maybe I don't want to be saved the trouble.

Maybe I want the trouble.

I haven't wanted the trouble in a long time.

But with you, the trouble doesn't seem so

troubling.

I don't know. I thought...

I guess I thought you felt the same way.

Maybe I do.

I don't know.

I'm not exactly the biggest confronter of feelings.

I mean, clearly, there's something between us.

Maybe my head was saying, "nip it in the bud,"

because my heart was saying something else.

Look, I have feelings for you, Barney.

Maybe I even love you.

Whoa! This is going pretty fast, don't you think?

What? We have a really good friendship going.

Why screw up a good thing? Friends?

Friends.

Oh, my god. You just did it again. You just mosby'd me.

I did not! You did. You little minx.

Okay, you're right. I did just mosby you.

Why are you so afraid of giving this a chance?

Because I am scared of how much I like you.

Whoa! This is a bad idea. You're right. This is a mistake.

Yes.no. Iloveyou.

Let's be friends. Okay. Friends, then.

I love you. Let's get married.

No, you're smothering me. Okay, forget it.

You know what? We can sort this out later.

Yeah. That sounds good. That sounds good. Let's go.

Older Ted: It had been a long and crazy night,

but that morning, against all odds,

I made it to my presentation.

Here you have it, gentlemen. Rib town. Right?

- Right? - Yeah.

Ted, listen. You're great, and you've done a real special job here.

And you're going to make some other restaurant very happy someday,

but we have decided to go another direction here.

What? Feast your eyes on

rib town! Rib town!

Sven.

I'll tell you one thing. I'm never eating ribs again.

Yeah, right.

I am never eating ribs again!

In front of Ted!

This is a disaster. How am I going to come back from this?

Okay, I'm just going to ask this.

Do you really want to come back from this?

What's that supposed to mean? Architecture is killing you, Ted,

and it's killing us to watch it killing you.

You're like that goat with the washcloth. You want it so bad,

and every time the world tries to take it away from you,

you keep grabbing it. But you know what?

It's just a washcloth. Why do you even want it?

Because I have to be an architect. That's...

That's the plan.

Oh, screw the plan. I planned on being a famous artist.

Marshall planned on being an environmental lawyer.

Robin planned on being a TV reporter.

Uh, I am a TV reporter. I'm on every morning at 4:00 am.

Is that still on? Good for you.

Okay, somebody watch it, please.

Barney planned on being a violinist.

Lily? Don't tell me things.

Look, you can't design your life like a building.

It doesn't work that way. You just have to live it, and it will design itself.

So, what, I should just do nothing?

No. Listen to what the world is telling you to do and take the leap.

You're right.

You're absolutely right.

I love you, Lily.

Oh, no. Metaphorical leap. Metaphorical leap!

Barn ey: Not cool. Not cool. Lily: Don't do it. Don't do it. No!

Robin: Oh, god.

I did it! Baby, you did it.

I can do anything! Yes, you can.

I'm getting a motorcycle! You absolutely are not!

Okay, sorry. Guys, come on over.

Older Ted: That was the year I got left at the altar.

It was the year! Got knocked out by a crazy bartender.

The year I got fired.

The year! Got beat up by a goat.

A girl goat, at that.

And damn it if it wasn't the best year of my life.

Because, if any one of those things hadn't happened,

I never would have ended up in what turned out to be the best job I ever had.

But more importantly, I wouldn't have met your mother,

because, as you know, she was in that class.

Of course, that story's only just beginning.