Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:02,295 --> 00:00:04,505
Older Ted: Kids,
Stella zinman was the girl
2
00:00:04,589 --> 00:00:07,008
I thought I'd spend
the rest of my life with.
3
00:00:07,091 --> 00:00:08,509
Until she left me at the altar,
4
00:00:08,593 --> 00:00:10,636
smashing my heart
to smithereens.
5
00:00:10,720 --> 00:00:13,014
So when I ran into her
seven months later,
6
00:00:13,097 --> 00:00:15,725
there was only one way
to deal with her.
7
00:00:15,808 --> 00:00:17,226
Stella!
8
00:00:17,310 --> 00:00:18,394
Great to see you!
9
00:00:18,477 --> 00:00:19,562
You, too.
10
00:00:20,188 --> 00:00:21,272
And Tony!
11
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:24,358
Hey! What a nice surprise. Hey.
12
00:00:24,442 --> 00:00:26,152
"What a nice surprise"?
13
00:00:26,235 --> 00:00:28,696
No, a nice surprise
would be if a safe fell
14
00:00:28,779 --> 00:00:31,157
from 40 stories
and smushed them both.
15
00:00:31,240 --> 00:00:32,593
I mean, you didn't
let them have it?
16
00:00:32,617 --> 00:00:34,076
No, we had a nice friendly chat,
17
00:00:34,160 --> 00:00:36,037
then they went their way
and I went mine.
18
00:00:36,120 --> 00:00:38,789
Ted, you blew it.
He blew it, right?
19
00:00:40,958 --> 00:00:42,585
Well played, sir. Bravo.
20
00:00:42,668 --> 00:00:45,338
What? You see, Robin,
Ted played it cool,
21
00:00:45,421 --> 00:00:47,590
which is exactly what
he should have done.
22
00:00:47,673 --> 00:00:50,384
As a matter of fact, I'd say
on a scale ranging from...
23
00:00:50,468 --> 00:00:53,221
And I kept this sweater of yours
24
00:00:53,304 --> 00:00:55,765
and sometimes I just
sit in the bathtub
25
00:00:55,848 --> 00:00:59,310
for hours just, you know,
just sniffing it.
26
00:00:59,852 --> 00:01:00,978
All the way to...
27
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:04,315
This is my new fiancée.
She's basically Stella,
28
00:01:04,398 --> 00:01:08,778
except she's French and, as you
can see, she's got enormous cans.
29
00:01:18,162 --> 00:01:20,539
I'd say you nailed it.
30
00:01:20,623 --> 00:01:24,210
I'll do you one better.
You, sir, got Stella thinking.
31
00:01:24,293 --> 00:01:28,172
"Gosh, Ted seemed so cool
today. Did I choose the wrong guy?"
32
00:01:28,756 --> 00:01:31,259
Give it a week,
you'll get her back.
33
00:01:31,342 --> 00:01:33,010
And her front.
34
00:01:34,053 --> 00:01:37,181
Did you just feel that? I think
we just had a "what up" quake.
35
00:01:38,599 --> 00:01:42,520
I don't want her back. Or her
front. I just want to move on.
36
00:01:42,603 --> 00:01:44,480
And this was an important
step towards that.
37
00:01:44,563 --> 00:01:45,815
To moving on.
38
00:01:46,649 --> 00:01:49,151
Older Ted: And, you know,
I really meant it.
39
00:01:49,235 --> 00:01:52,530
But still, that night,
my mind began to wander.
40
00:01:56,242 --> 00:01:57,451
I made a terrible mistake.
41
00:01:57,535 --> 00:01:58,619
I know.
42
00:01:58,703 --> 00:02:00,162
I'm a better person
than you are.
43
00:02:00,246 --> 00:02:01,789
You totally are.
44
00:02:01,872 --> 00:02:03,934
Let's get back together and
have way more sex than before.
45
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:05,167
Deal!
46
00:02:15,052 --> 00:02:16,387
Heho, Ted.
47
00:02:31,819 --> 00:02:33,821
No, come in.
It's not weird at all.
48
00:02:33,904 --> 00:02:36,866
Ted, teddv Ted, Ted, Ted.
49
00:02:38,659 --> 00:02:41,454
I knew it was wrong
to steal somebody's fiancée.
50
00:02:41,537 --> 00:02:45,833
I mean, I grappled with it. I was up
nights. And not for the good reason.
51
00:02:45,916 --> 00:02:48,044
Well, sometimes
for the good reason.
52
00:02:48,127 --> 00:02:50,230
I mean, Stella and I hadn't
seen each other in five years,
53
00:02:50,254 --> 00:02:54,342
so, as you can imagine, the
beginning, it was just fast and furious.
54
00:02:54,425 --> 00:02:56,260
Lamps breaking,
furniture moving.
55
00:02:56,344 --> 00:02:57,345
You see this bald patch?
56
00:02:57,428 --> 00:02:58,429
Yeah, Tony...
57
00:02:58,512 --> 00:03:00,264
Anyway, we moved on.
58
00:03:00,348 --> 00:03:03,225
Me, Lucy, Stella,
we were gonna move to la.
59
00:03:03,309 --> 00:03:05,436
I was gonna become
a screenwriter.
60
00:03:05,519 --> 00:03:10,107
Then we bumped into you,
and you just looked so sad.
61
00:03:10,649 --> 00:03:12,109
Sad? No. I...
62
00:03:12,193 --> 00:03:13,861
I think what you're calling sad
63
00:03:13,944 --> 00:03:16,197
was actually
a jovial nonchalance.
64
00:03:16,280 --> 00:03:18,074
Ted, you looked awful, okay?
65
00:03:18,157 --> 00:03:20,368
Like a little dachshund puppy
with a bad back
66
00:03:20,451 --> 00:03:22,370
that's got to pull itself
around on a cart.
67
00:03:22,453 --> 00:03:23,537
Why are you here?
68
00:03:23,621 --> 00:03:27,875
Look, Ted, I know I can
come across pretty tough,
69
00:03:27,958 --> 00:03:30,795
but I can't bear to have hurt
someone the way I hurt you.
70
00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:34,048
I think fate put me on that
corner to make this right.
71
00:03:34,131 --> 00:03:36,634
Obviously, I can't fill
that giant crater
72
00:03:36,717 --> 00:03:38,219
that Stella left in your heart.
73
00:03:38,302 --> 00:03:40,012
I've been dating. Like, a lot.
74
00:03:40,096 --> 00:03:41,389
And then I heard you got fired.
75
00:03:41,472 --> 00:03:44,308
I transitioned into
small business ownership.
76
00:03:44,392 --> 00:03:46,143
It's the backbone
of the economy.
77
00:03:46,227 --> 00:03:47,478
No, it's not.
78
00:03:47,561 --> 00:03:49,897
Ted, my family's
got a lot of money.
79
00:03:49,980 --> 00:03:53,442
And I want to use that money
to make this right with you.
80
00:03:53,651 --> 00:03:55,903
Tony is rich? Oh, Ted.
81
00:03:56,153 --> 00:04:00,366
Oh, Ted, tell me
he wrote you a check.
82
00:04:00,616 --> 00:04:04,537
Tell me he wrote you
a big, fat check.
83
00:04:04,620 --> 00:04:07,873
A check so big it doesn't take its
shirt off when it goes swimming.
84
00:04:08,332 --> 00:04:09,834
That is a big, fat check.
85
00:04:09,917 --> 00:04:12,169
A check so big,
if you had sex with it,
86
00:04:12,253 --> 00:04:13,504
you wouldn't tell your buddies.
87
00:04:13,587 --> 00:04:15,297
That is a big, fat check.
88
00:04:15,381 --> 00:04:16,924
A check so big
89
00:04:17,007 --> 00:04:20,386
that when you sit next to it on an
airplane, you find yourself wondering
90
00:04:20,469 --> 00:04:22,197
whether the check should
have bought two seats.
91
00:04:22,221 --> 00:04:25,349
That_ is a big, fat check!
92
00:04:25,433 --> 00:04:27,601
Yeah! He didn't
write me a check.
93
00:04:28,018 --> 00:04:30,354
Ted, I want to offer
you a job. A job?
94
00:04:30,438 --> 00:04:33,357
Every year, my family gives a lot
of money to Columbia university,
95
00:04:33,441 --> 00:04:35,151
so I got some pull.
96
00:04:35,234 --> 00:04:37,528
How would you like to design...
97
00:04:37,611 --> 00:04:39,172
Older Ted: My heart
leapt into my throat.
98
00:04:39,196 --> 00:04:41,657
A new library?
A new student center?
99
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:45,536
Your very own curriculum as
a professor of architecture.
100
00:04:47,580 --> 00:04:48,622
No, thanks.
101
00:04:48,789 --> 00:04:52,293
What do you mean, "no, thanks"?
102
00:04:52,376 --> 00:04:56,213
Ted, you would be
a great professor, okay?
103
00:04:56,297 --> 00:04:59,758
You are knowledgeable,
you're a good talker,
104
00:04:59,842 --> 00:05:02,094
and when you need to,
105
00:05:02,178 --> 00:05:04,513
you can grow a very
handsome neck beard.
106
00:05:05,306 --> 00:05:06,974
I'm not gonna be a professor.
107
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,368
Teaching architecture
is what you do
108
00:05:08,392 --> 00:05:09,744
when your career has
totally bottomed out
109
00:05:09,768 --> 00:05:11,020
and you need to pay the bills.
110
00:05:12,354 --> 00:05:15,983
Hey, hey, hey! Small business
owner. Backbone of the economy.
111
00:05:16,066 --> 00:05:18,652
I'm not gonna take that job,
all right? I'm gonna be just fine.
112
00:05:18,736 --> 00:05:19,736
New topic.
113
00:05:20,029 --> 00:05:21,322
Okay, new topic.
114
00:05:21,489 --> 00:05:24,992
I just got a $200
speeding ticket today.
115
00:05:25,534 --> 00:05:28,078
That sucks, dude. You
couldn't talk your way out of it?
116
00:05:28,162 --> 00:05:29,722
You can't talk your
way out of a ticket.
117
00:05:29,747 --> 00:05:30,831
I've done it.
118
00:05:30,915 --> 00:05:34,168
It was...
What was it? It was 1998.
119
00:05:34,919 --> 00:05:36,462
So where's the fire?
120
00:05:36,587 --> 00:05:38,172
There's no fire.
121
00:05:41,050 --> 00:05:43,844
Actually, you know, there is a
fire at this barbecue I'm headed to.
122
00:05:43,928 --> 00:05:47,515
Nothing special.
Burgers, ribs, brats.
123
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:51,268
Son, do you have any idea
how dangerous it is to be...
124
00:05:53,020 --> 00:05:55,481
Did you say brats? Yeah, brats.
125
00:05:56,148 --> 00:05:58,859
My mom marinates them in
Belgian beer for two days. No big.
126
00:05:58,943 --> 00:06:03,989
Funny thing was, I could've sworn
that one of those thick, succulent,
127
00:06:04,073 --> 00:06:06,784
hickory-smoked brats
had some writing on it.
128
00:06:06,867 --> 00:06:08,827
Weird. Anyways,
what were you saying?
129
00:06:08,911 --> 00:06:11,455
What... what did
it say? The brat?
130
00:06:12,081 --> 00:06:16,544
It said, "property of Minnesota
state trooper jorgensen."
131
00:06:16,961 --> 00:06:20,923
You a... you a brat
man, officer jorgensen?
132
00:06:23,968 --> 00:06:26,053
You going to this address?
Mmm-hmm.
133
00:06:26,136 --> 00:06:27,376
Follow me and lean on the horn.
134
00:06:27,429 --> 00:06:28,973
We're gonna be
running some reds.
135
00:06:30,933 --> 00:06:33,602
Well, duh.
I would've done that, too,
136
00:06:33,686 --> 00:06:35,980
if I'd have been
going to a barbecue.
137
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:37,314
Damn, I was.
138
00:06:37,398 --> 00:06:39,233
See, it's all about
sizing up your opponent.
139
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:41,076
I could tell that the
officer was a brat man,
140
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:42,570
because, well,
he was out of breath
141
00:06:42,653 --> 00:06:47,283
just from walking to my car and
he had mustard on his holster.
142
00:06:47,366 --> 00:06:49,285
Marshall Eriksen!
143
00:06:49,368 --> 00:06:53,038
Manipulating an officer of
the law with your sausage.
144
00:06:53,122 --> 00:06:54,748
That is very hot.
145
00:06:55,332 --> 00:06:58,335
You think I can't talk
my way out of a ticket?
146
00:06:58,419 --> 00:07:02,256
You think I can't talk
my way out of a ticket?
147
00:07:02,840 --> 00:07:06,135
I am Barney Stinson,
master of manipulation.
148
00:07:06,218 --> 00:07:09,346
If I can talk a stripper into
paying me for a lap dance,
149
00:07:09,430 --> 00:07:11,390
I think I can talk
my way out of a ticket.
150
00:07:11,473 --> 00:07:13,851
Challenge accep... wait for it.
151
00:07:16,562 --> 00:07:18,355
What? I don't get it.
152
00:07:20,524 --> 00:07:22,526
Oh, "Ted." "Accep-Ted."
153
00:07:23,235 --> 00:07:24,695
I get it now.
154
00:07:27,364 --> 00:07:30,117
What now? You want
to be an architect? Great.
155
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:33,329
Guy I went to private school
with wants a new house built.
156
00:07:33,412 --> 00:07:34,622
Job's yours if you want it.
157
00:07:34,705 --> 00:07:37,249
Tony, look,
I don't need your help.
158
00:07:37,333 --> 00:07:39,543
Here's what he's offering you.
159
00:07:42,671 --> 00:07:45,382
That is a big, fat check.
160
00:07:53,390 --> 00:07:54,725
Showtime.
161
00:07:55,893 --> 00:07:57,227
License and registration.
162
00:07:57,311 --> 00:07:59,605
Oh. Of course, officer.
Right away.
163
00:08:04,902 --> 00:08:06,320
Sir, this is a gift certificate
164
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:08,864
for a custom-tailored
Italian suit.
165
00:08:08,947 --> 00:08:10,699
So, we done here?
166
00:08:10,949 --> 00:08:13,702
$375!
167
00:08:14,328 --> 00:08:16,830
And he kept the gift
certificate. Oh, man.
168
00:08:16,914 --> 00:08:19,559
I'm gonna call Emilio and tell him
to short-sheet him on the crotch.
169
00:08:19,583 --> 00:08:21,001
You are bad at this, dude.
170
00:08:21,085 --> 00:08:22,920
Whatever, Robin.
171
00:08:23,587 --> 00:08:25,714
Like you've ever talked
your way out of a ticket.
172
00:08:25,798 --> 00:08:27,925
Are you kidding me?
Robin's a pretty girl.
173
00:08:28,008 --> 00:08:29,551
Pretty girls don't get tickets.
174
00:08:29,635 --> 00:08:32,515
I bet Robin's been pulled over tons
of times, never once gotten a ticket.
175
00:08:32,554 --> 00:08:34,306
That is outrageous!
176
00:08:34,932 --> 00:08:36,183
And factual.
177
00:08:37,393 --> 00:08:38,977
License and...
178
00:08:40,604 --> 00:08:44,566
Oh, honey. Oh,
no, no, no, don't cry.
179
00:08:44,650 --> 00:08:47,027
It's okay. No ticket for you.
180
00:08:47,111 --> 00:08:49,613
Just go a little slower
next time, okay?
181
00:08:49,697 --> 00:08:51,448
Uh-huh. Yeah. Okay.
182
00:08:54,827 --> 00:08:56,370
Thank you.
183
00:08:57,538 --> 00:08:58,914
Yeah!
184
00:08:59,790 --> 00:09:03,001
Excuse me. I think I left
something in New Jersey.
185
00:09:04,461 --> 00:09:07,464
Hey! How did your lunch go
with the rich guy?
186
00:09:07,548 --> 00:09:09,925
Well, it started off great.
187
00:09:10,592 --> 00:09:14,888
I want to design a house that celebrates
the landscape without overpowering it.
188
00:09:14,972 --> 00:09:16,991
You know, when frank Lloyd
Wright designed fallingwater
189
00:09:17,015 --> 00:09:18,350
in 1935, there's...
190
00:09:18,434 --> 00:09:21,645
Yes, yes, that's all fine.
I'm sure you'll do a great job.
191
00:09:21,729 --> 00:09:23,814
What I'm really worried
about is the basement.
192
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:25,524
Specifically, the laundry room.
193
00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:27,317
The laundry room?
194
00:09:27,401 --> 00:09:30,904
I require a laundry room
of 15 feet by 15 feet,
195
00:09:30,988 --> 00:09:34,616
stain-proof ceramic tile
from floor to ceiling.
196
00:09:34,700 --> 00:09:39,288
I'm a man who likes to do his own
laundry, and sometimes, it gets messy.
197
00:09:39,705 --> 00:09:41,582
Messy? Messy.
198
00:09:42,249 --> 00:09:46,420
Steel chains will dangle from
the ceiling at a height of 9 feet.
199
00:09:46,503 --> 00:09:49,590
And that is where
my laundry bags will hang
200
00:09:49,673 --> 00:09:51,675
for three days and three nights
201
00:09:51,759 --> 00:09:54,344
before I clean them.
202
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:59,683
Ted, it... it kind of sounds like what
this guy is asking you to design...
203
00:09:59,767 --> 00:10:02,644
It's a murder house. It is.
It's totally a murder house.
204
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:04,855
You know, as a martial artist,
205
00:10:04,938 --> 00:10:06,607
I'm trained to
trust my instincts,
206
00:10:06,690 --> 00:10:10,694
and my instincts are saying
this feels very good.
207
00:10:12,362 --> 00:10:14,031
The steak is so rare.
208
00:10:16,241 --> 00:10:18,243
Right? Right?
209
00:10:18,869 --> 00:10:22,080
One final concern,
soundproofing.
210
00:10:22,706 --> 00:10:26,001
I tend to make a lot of
racket when I launder.
211
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:28,170
I'll show you what I mean.
212
00:10:28,253 --> 00:10:30,297
I'm gonna go to my laundry room,
213
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:32,508
and you tell me
if you can hear me.
214
00:10:36,804 --> 00:10:39,640
Tony, does something
feel off about this guy?
215
00:10:39,723 --> 00:10:40,974
Yeah.
216
00:10:41,058 --> 00:10:43,977
Off the hook!
Bro, you are nailing this.
217
00:10:47,606 --> 00:10:49,042
Ted, you can't design
a murder house!
218
00:10:49,066 --> 00:10:50,251
I'm not gonna design
a murder house.
219
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:51,860
Ted, you can't design
a murder house!
220
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:53,570
I'm not gonna design
a murder house!
221
00:10:58,492 --> 00:10:59,910
Bring it.
222
00:11:00,744 --> 00:11:04,164
Officer, please, my wife is about
to have a baby! Her waterjust broke!
223
00:11:04,248 --> 00:11:05,916
Where's your wife?
224
00:11:06,208 --> 00:11:10,295
She took the other car.
This is Italian leather, so...
225
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:12,422
L.comem
226
00:11:14,258 --> 00:11:16,343
I'm sorry about that
murder house thing.
227
00:11:16,426 --> 00:11:19,680
That was my bad. That's
on me. So, new plan.
228
00:11:20,222 --> 00:11:25,853
You, my friend, are gonna build
the statue of Liberty a husband.
229
00:11:25,936 --> 00:11:27,688
Now, I got some suction
down at city hall.
230
00:11:27,771 --> 00:11:29,273
Tony, stop it!
231
00:11:29,356 --> 00:11:31,692
I don't want your help, okay?
You don't have to do this.
232
00:11:31,775 --> 00:11:33,235
Why? Yes, I do.
233
00:11:33,318 --> 00:11:34,862
Because.
234
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:40,325
When you were with Stella,
I know how much I missed her.
235
00:11:40,409 --> 00:11:42,244
I can only imagine
you feel the same way.
236
00:11:43,453 --> 00:11:46,748
Okay, well, let me
put your mind at ease.
237
00:11:47,416 --> 00:11:49,459
I don't want Stella back, okay?
238
00:11:49,543 --> 00:11:51,962
She lied to me and
left me at the altar.
239
00:11:52,045 --> 00:11:55,716
What kind of person does
that? I'm better off without her.
240
00:11:56,008 --> 00:11:57,968
She's all yours, buddy.
241
00:12:01,513 --> 00:12:03,807
There you go. Load off my mind.
242
00:12:04,892 --> 00:12:06,643
Older Ted: And
that was it. Tony left,
243
00:12:06,727 --> 00:12:09,438
and I began to put this
whole business far behind me.
244
00:12:09,521 --> 00:12:10,772
Or so I thought.
245
00:12:13,609 --> 00:12:14,818
Stella.
246
00:12:15,360 --> 00:12:17,237
Tony broke up with me.
247
00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:26,496
Wow. Okay,
Tony broke up with you?
248
00:12:26,830 --> 00:12:29,166
He said it was because
of something you said.
249
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,501
You got Tony to dump Stella?
250
00:12:31,585 --> 00:12:35,756
I am very sorry, but I'm going to
have to insist that you bump this.
251
00:12:37,174 --> 00:12:39,676
Let's... let's talk
out in the hall.
252
00:12:40,344 --> 00:12:41,929
I'll be waiting.
253
00:12:43,889 --> 00:12:46,767
So, why are you here?
254
00:12:48,518 --> 00:12:53,190
Look, Ted, this is about seven
months too late, but here goes.
255
00:12:54,775 --> 00:12:57,778
I've been in love with Tony
since high school.
256
00:12:57,861 --> 00:12:58,987
We dated for a long time,
257
00:12:59,071 --> 00:13:02,950
but then I got pregnant, and
I guess for two 19-year-olds,
258
00:13:03,033 --> 00:13:05,994
it was just too much to
handle, so we broke up.
259
00:13:06,078 --> 00:13:09,748
And for a long time, I just
focused on being a mother.
260
00:13:09,831 --> 00:13:12,334
I forgot about Tony.
I forgot about
261
00:13:13,377 --> 00:13:15,837
the very idea of being in love.
262
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:19,466
And then you came along
and reminded me.
263
00:13:19,549 --> 00:13:21,718
And I loved you for that.
264
00:13:23,887 --> 00:13:29,142
I loved you so much, in fact,
that it was just shy of enough.
265
00:13:31,895 --> 00:13:34,231
But I never stopped loving Tony.
266
00:13:35,565 --> 00:13:37,943
Take him back, honey.
He's sorry.
267
00:13:38,402 --> 00:13:40,988
No, that's... that's not...
That's not what's happening.
268
00:13:41,071 --> 00:13:43,490
Just go back inside,
Mrs. Matsen.
269
00:13:47,494 --> 00:13:49,413
It was good seeing you, Stella.
270
00:13:49,496 --> 00:13:51,289
Can you talk to Tony?
271
00:13:53,750 --> 00:13:56,003
What? He'd listen to you.
272
00:13:56,086 --> 00:13:58,422
I mean, you changed his
mind. You could change it back.
273
00:13:58,505 --> 00:13:59,923
I know it's an awful
thing to ask...
274
00:14:00,007 --> 00:14:02,300
Yeah, it's an awful
thing to ask.
275
00:14:02,384 --> 00:14:05,762
Well, I don't know what
else to do, okay? I love him.
276
00:14:06,430 --> 00:14:08,056
Oh, you love him.
So, what? You're...
277
00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:10,809
You're appealing to
the romantic in me?
278
00:14:10,892 --> 00:14:12,519
Is that your strategy?
279
00:14:12,602 --> 00:14:16,356
Because that guy's gone. You
can't pull those strings anymore.
280
00:14:16,440 --> 00:14:19,568
They're not attached to
anything, thanks to you.
281
00:14:19,860 --> 00:14:21,611
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
282
00:14:21,695 --> 00:14:24,865
Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
283
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:29,161
Okay, you can do this.
You can do this!
284
00:14:30,120 --> 00:14:32,205
Oh, you can do this.
285
00:14:33,331 --> 00:14:35,625
License and...
License and registration.
286
00:14:35,709 --> 00:14:37,127
Excuse me?
287
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:38,795
I can only assume
you need a license
288
00:14:38,879 --> 00:14:40,756
to have a face that beautiful.
289
00:14:40,839 --> 00:14:42,424
And that body?
290
00:14:42,507 --> 00:14:45,302
I'm guessing something that
explosive has to be registered
291
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,637
with the proper authorities.
292
00:14:48,305 --> 00:14:49,473
Get out of the car.
293
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:51,892
Why? Am I under arrest?
294
00:14:56,772 --> 00:14:59,149
But you're about to be under me.
295
00:15:02,194 --> 00:15:04,863
No. False. Did not happen.
296
00:15:04,946 --> 00:15:07,699
That's a line from a porno.
I've seen that porno.
297
00:15:07,783 --> 00:15:09,993
Hell, I've made that porno.
298
00:15:10,535 --> 00:15:12,221
When will you guys realize
that the only difference
299
00:15:12,245 --> 00:15:13,830
between my real life and a porno
300
00:15:13,914 --> 00:15:15,415
is my real life
has better lighting?
301
00:15:15,499 --> 00:15:16,666
You're lying.
302
00:15:16,750 --> 00:15:18,460
I am not lying!
303
00:15:18,543 --> 00:15:20,754
I swear on my mother.
304
00:15:20,837 --> 00:15:23,090
I swear on
Goliath national bank.
305
00:15:23,173 --> 00:15:24,883
I swear on my suits.
306
00:15:24,966 --> 00:15:28,845
I am not lying.
307
00:15:28,929 --> 00:15:31,473
Older Ted: He was lying.
Here's what really happened.
308
00:15:31,723 --> 00:15:33,433
Go ahead, honey, kiss him.
309
00:15:33,517 --> 00:15:36,686
Go inside, Mrs. Matsen!
Mrs. Matsen, go inside!
310
00:15:39,356 --> 00:15:41,196
Is there anything I can do
to make this better?
311
00:15:47,656 --> 00:15:49,241
Hello.
Ted, it's me! It's Barney.
312
00:15:49,324 --> 00:15:50,968
It's me! I need your help
and I'm in big trouble!
313
00:15:50,992 --> 00:15:53,036
Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down.
What happened?
314
00:15:54,371 --> 00:15:56,957
I'm guessing something that
explosive has to be registered
315
00:15:57,040 --> 00:15:59,292
with the proper authorities.
316
00:15:59,709 --> 00:16:00,836
Get out of the car.
317
00:16:00,919 --> 00:16:02,796
Why? Am I under arrest?
318
00:16:02,879 --> 00:16:04,548
Yes, you are. I ran your plates.
319
00:16:04,631 --> 00:16:07,467
You've had 15 moving
violations in the last three days.
320
00:16:07,551 --> 00:16:08,844
Get out of the car.
321
00:16:08,927 --> 00:16:11,346
But, no,
my wife's having a baby!
322
00:16:11,429 --> 00:16:12,740
I have a sausage
with your name on it!
323
00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:13,807
Out of the car now!
324
00:16:14,975 --> 00:16:18,603
I need you to come to Brazzaville,
New Jersey and bail me out.
325
00:16:18,937 --> 00:16:20,457
I'm kind of in the
middle of something.
326
00:16:20,564 --> 00:16:23,316
Hurry, Ted. You have no idea of
the kind of the hardened criminals
327
00:16:23,400 --> 00:16:24,985
they've got me in here with.
328
00:16:25,068 --> 00:16:27,696
Are we gonna get
our spray paint back?
329
00:16:28,280 --> 00:16:29,906
Save me, Ted!
330
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:34,995
You want to do something for
me? I need a ride to New Jersey.
331
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:37,914
Okay. You'll pay
for tolls, right?
332
00:16:38,915 --> 00:16:40,333
I'm kidding.
333
00:16:41,793 --> 00:16:44,462
Older Ted: So Stella and I
drove all the way out to New Jersey,
334
00:16:44,546 --> 00:16:46,131
bailed your uncle Barney
out of jail
335
00:16:46,214 --> 00:16:48,008
and drove all the way home.
336
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:49,819
Oh, by the way, Ted, how's
that girl you've been seeing?
337
00:16:49,843 --> 00:16:53,388
That super hot French chick
with the big enormous boobs?
338
00:16:53,471 --> 00:16:56,683
Oh, you mean claudette?
Yeah, she's... she's fine.
339
00:16:56,766 --> 00:17:00,478
Man, she's the hottest girl
you have ever been with, Ted.
340
00:17:00,562 --> 00:17:02,606
Ever! Bye, Stella.
341
00:17:07,777 --> 00:17:11,448
Ted, I'm so sorry again
about everything.
342
00:17:12,866 --> 00:17:15,535
For what it's worth...
I'll talk to Tony.
343
00:17:15,619 --> 00:17:16,828
Really?
344
00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:20,790
I want you to be happy,
Stella. I'll talk to him.
345
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:23,126
Older Ted." And I did.
346
00:17:23,210 --> 00:17:24,610
I don't remember
what I said to him,
347
00:17:24,669 --> 00:17:26,296
but I guess I changed his mind,
348
00:17:26,379 --> 00:17:30,842
because the next day,
they flew to California.
349
00:17:31,468 --> 00:17:34,262
Stella set up a new
dermatology practice.
350
00:17:34,346 --> 00:17:37,891
And against all odds, Tony found
some success as a screenwriter.
351
00:17:37,974 --> 00:17:41,186
His movie, the wedding bride,
was a big hit.
352
00:17:41,269 --> 00:17:42,646
But we'll get to that later.
353
00:17:42,729 --> 00:17:45,649
Okay, but just tell
me this. Why Tony?
354
00:17:46,149 --> 00:17:48,902
I mean, is it the money,
the kung fu pajamas?
355
00:17:48,985 --> 00:17:50,487
Like, what... what is it?
356
00:17:52,113 --> 00:17:53,573
He's the one.
357
00:17:55,992 --> 00:17:57,202
The one.
358
00:17:57,494 --> 00:18:00,538
Yeah, I know it's kind
of sappy, but, yeah.
359
00:18:05,001 --> 00:18:06,586
Okay, I'm gonna say
something out loud
360
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,105
that I've been doing
a pretty good job
361
00:18:08,129 --> 00:18:10,173
of not saying out loud lately.
362
00:18:12,175 --> 00:18:14,177
What you and Tony have,
363
00:18:14,761 --> 00:18:17,681
what I thought for
a second you and I had,
364
00:18:18,390 --> 00:18:21,309
what I know that
Marshall and Lily have,
365
00:18:23,311 --> 00:18:26,273
I want that. I do.
366
00:18:27,774 --> 00:18:29,014
I keep waiting for it to happen
367
00:18:29,067 --> 00:18:31,111
and waiting for it
to happen, and...
368
00:18:33,280 --> 00:18:35,156
I guess I'm just...
369
00:18:36,449 --> 00:18:38,243
I'm tired of waiting.
370
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:43,707
And that is all I'm going
to say on that subject.
371
00:18:49,462 --> 00:18:51,673
You know, I once talked my
way out of a speeding ticket.
372
00:18:51,756 --> 00:18:53,008
Really?
373
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:54,652
I was heading upstate
to my parents' house
374
00:18:54,676 --> 00:18:57,887
doing, like, 90 on this country
road, and I got pulled over.
375
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,140
So this cop gets out of his car.
376
00:19:00,223 --> 00:19:02,392
He kind of swaggers
on over and he's, like,
377
00:19:02,475 --> 00:19:05,687
"young lady, I have been
waiting for you all day."
378
00:19:06,563 --> 00:19:09,316
So I looked up at him and
I said, "I'm so sorry, officer.
379
00:19:09,399 --> 00:19:11,526
"I got here as fast as I could."
380
00:19:11,609 --> 00:19:13,528
For real?
381
00:19:14,487 --> 00:19:16,489
No. It's an old joke.
382
00:19:20,076 --> 00:19:22,620
I know that you're
tired of waiting,
383
00:19:23,288 --> 00:19:25,957
and you may have to wait
a little while more,
384
00:19:26,041 --> 00:19:28,877
but she's on her way, Ted.
385
00:19:31,046 --> 00:19:34,507
And she's getting here
as fast as she can.
386
00:19:44,184 --> 00:19:45,685
Bye, Stella.
387
00:19:46,519 --> 00:19:48,104
Goodbye, Ted.
388
00:19:49,981 --> 00:19:55,862
But somehow
you have shattered my defense
389
00:19:56,196 --> 00:19:59,699
and this is gonna hurt
390
00:19:59,783 --> 00:20:02,660
if it ever starts
391
00:20:03,078 --> 00:20:09,125
so promise you'll be
careful with my heart
392
00:20:10,085 --> 00:20:15,006
careful with my heart
393
00:20:19,010 --> 00:20:21,971
she tracked me down two
days later using a phone book.
394
00:20:22,055 --> 00:20:25,850
And that's the last time I wrote
my name in my undergarments.
395
00:20:26,810 --> 00:20:27,811
Hey.
396
00:20:27,894 --> 00:20:29,729
Hey, Lily! Lily!
397
00:20:29,813 --> 00:20:30,939
You're back!
398
00:20:31,022 --> 00:20:34,943
Barney, when you told me that
peanut butter and jam joke,
399
00:20:35,026 --> 00:20:37,445
I was completely disgusted.
400
00:20:37,529 --> 00:20:40,490
But I was in the shower this
morning and it popped into my head
401
00:20:40,573 --> 00:20:45,078
and it actually made
me laugh. Peanut butter.
402
00:20:45,161 --> 00:20:48,415
So I can see now how
I may have overreacted.
403
00:20:48,498 --> 00:20:50,458
Marshall's words, not mine.
404
00:20:50,542 --> 00:20:52,585
Well, it's good to
see you again, Lily.
405
00:20:52,669 --> 00:20:54,087
Thanks.
406
00:20:54,170 --> 00:20:55,422
So what have you been up to?
407
00:20:55,505 --> 00:20:58,633
I'm going to an amnesia ward with
a bunch of photos of my "children"
408
00:20:58,716 --> 00:20:59,843
and a wedding ring.
409
00:20:59,926 --> 00:21:03,221
I'm gonna find the hottest
patient/my wife, and we are going...
410
00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:06,933
Okay, so that's good enough for
tonight. I gotta ease back into this.
411
00:21:07,016 --> 00:21:08,601
See you tomorrow!
31320
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
Dutch
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish (Latin American)
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof