Original subtitles

Great. So, I'll give you a call.

Hope you do.

All right.

Look at this.

Hey, I just got that girl's number.

Check it out. Holli.

Nice!

Girls whose names end in "I-y" are always dirty.

Holly, Kelly, Carly, Lily...

Yeah, no, it's true.

Don't even get me started on girls

whose names should end in ","y but instead end in "."I

those girls are like roller coasters.

You got to wait in a long line, but once you get up there,

you just hold on for dear life and hope you don't drop your keys.

Hey, you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna call her right now.

I'm gonna do that whole, "hey, remember me? It's been so long."

See, it's funny, because I just saw her.

Dude, you can't call her.

You have to wait three days to call a woman. That's the rule.

Barney, that rule is completely played out.

Girls know exactly what you're doing.

Hey! I got a new rule.

It's kind of crazy, but I call it, "you like her, you call her."

I'm sorry, can you repeat that?

I don't speak i-never-get-laid.

Barney, the three-days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?

Jesus.

Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.

Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait three days thing.

He waited three days to come back to life. It was perfect.

If he'd have only waited one day,

a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died.

They'd be all, "hey, Jesus, what up?"

And Jesus would probably be like, "what up? I died yesterday."

And then they'd be all, "you look pretty alive to me, dude."

And then Jesus would have to explain how he was resurrected,

and how it was a miracle.

And then the dude would be like, "okay, whatever you say, bro."

Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.

And he's not gonna come back on a Saturday.

Everybody's busy doing chores.

Working the loom, trimming their beards.

No. He waits the exact right number of days.

Three.

Okay, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.

Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already.

They're all in there, "oh, no, Jesus is dead."

Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle.

Everyone's totally psyched. And fyi, that's when he invented the high-five.

Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman,

because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait.

True story.

Okay, fine. I promise. I won't call holli for three days.

Older Ted: But I never said anything about texting.

I started things off with something cute and charming.

Ted: "I was thinking about you,

"so I thought I 'd send you a little texty text."

Older Ted: And the moment I hit "send," I realized it wasn't cute at all.

It was the lamest thing anyone has ever said to anyone.

And the worst thing about texting is that once you send it...

Oh!

Older Ted: You can never get it back.

And then, you wait.

And just when you've decided never to text anyone ever again...

Holli: "I've been thinking about you, too,

"and how weird is it that you texted me while I was in the bath?"

What was that? What?

You made a noise.

That was my phone. I got a text.

Not that. You made your naked lady noise.

What?

Whenever you see a naked lady,

you make the noise...

Idontdothat really?

Oh god, sorry, Lily.

Man on TV: While the men are out hunting,

the women of new Guinea's indigenous korowai tribe

wash their clothes in the river.

That's totally a boob.

Is that holli who keeps texting you?

Didn't you promise to wait three days?

To call, yes. Texting is totally different.

Okay, well, just try to keep the naked lady noises to a minimum.

I don't make a naked lady noise.

Really?

Older Ted: Holli and I stayed up texting until 2:00 in the morning.

And we spent the whole next day texting each other, too.

She seemed perfect.

Oh wow. Holli just told me what she's wearing right now.

It is pretty hot.

Yeah, whatever it is, I can guarantee you she's not wearing it.

She's lying to you to make you like her.

How do you know that?

Mmm.

Because no woman in the history of the world is ever

"just sitting around reading architecture magazines

"in my old cheerleader uniform."

Okay, maybe she's lying about the architecture magazines.

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, this is bad.

What?

She just sent me a text that was clearly meant for someone else.

"Hey, baby, I picked up some take out from generro's. Be home soon."

Okay, yes, this sounds bad, but let's think about this, okay?

It could be for a brother or maybe her sick dad.

Scroll down.

"And then I want you to do me on the couch."

Okay, maybe not a sick dad.

Or a very sick dad. Am I right?

Sorry.

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hey.

What is this?

Oh. It's some take out from generro's. I'm bringing it home for Lily.

That's weird. Holli just texted Ted something about take out from generro's.

Wait a second.

You sons of bitches!

What?

You're holli.

So Ted hasn't been texting holli at all?

He's been texting you two?

Look, we knew he'd try to call her before the three days,

so I swiped his phone and I changed her number to my work cell.

We were just gonna bust on him for calling her too soon,

but then he started texting her.

"Texty text"?

Oh Ted. Oh poor, sweet Ted. We should...

We should tell him it's us.

Yeah.

We pretend we're holli, and we're in the bath.

Yeah, that's better.

That was fun.

We should tell him that it's us.

Yeah, we should.

We tell him our favorite color is red,

and we think the "cowboy" look is very sexy.

Yeah, that's better.

Ted: I'm wearing them right now, and they do look sexy.

He put on the boots!

He totally put on the boots!

That was awesome!

But it's time to tell him who he really put those boots on for.

Yeah. Or...

We just took off our shirt.

Yeah, that's better.

You think maybe we're wearing a black lace bra underneath?

I don't think we're wearing anything underneath.

God, we're hot.

Now he's only wearing the cowboy boots!

It is on! It is so on!

Okay, tell him that we're slowly slipping out of our...

What are we doing?

I think that we're

about to have sex with Ted.

So you did this to him all day? That's just mean.

No! No, no, it was actually for his own good.

We're protecting him from himself. He really likes this girl.

He had that look in his eye.

Yeah, that crazy "I'm about to move too fast and screw this up" look.

It was actually the same look he had on his first date with you.

We all remember how that went.

Yeah.

I think I'm in love with you.

What?

Yeah, well, I think I was a special case.

This holli is no Robin scherbatsky.

And what is the deal with her hair? I mean, newsflash,

they make conditioners that don't leave a buildup.

I'm so bad.

Look, it's been a while since Ted really liked someone.

He's clearly got a lot of crazy stored up. We just...

We thought we'd get him to say, "I love you"

before he makes contact with this girl.

And you can tell it's on the way.

He's exhibiting all the telltale signs.

Yeah. One, hejoked about getting married.

"You like architecture? We should get married.

"Ha-ha. Lol. Just kidding. Question Mark."

Two, he made a crazy way-too-soon trip suggestion.

"I like beer, too.

"We should totally go to Germany together.

"Lol. Jk. Lol."

And three, he got way too personal way too soon.

"Yeah, my parents got divorced a couple years back.

"It was really tough.

"Lol."

And he clearly doesn't know what lol means.

Yeah, but here's the real problem.

Ted wasn't saying, "I love you" as easily as we thought he would.

Then we met Stan.

Why are you making so much noise, man?

So we explained everything to him, and when we were done,

something amazing happened.

Why don't you tell Ted that just knowing he's out there

thinking about you, caring about you, makes you feel safe?

So all your fears, all your yesterdays wash away,

and only hope remains in the promise of his embrace.

Wow. Go, Stan! Who is this guy?

He's a security guard who works nights.

And he eats lunch at maclaren's every day.

And he wasn't done.

Not by a long shot.

You make me thank god for every mistake I ever made

because each one led me down the path that brought me to you.

That's, hke, really nice, man.

Whatever. It's okay.

Holli: "And when we finally come together, I want you to hold me."

Hold me all night. Stroke my hair.

Tell me I'm a woman and show me you're a man.

Until there was only now.

You and I and now.

Yes!

You want me to text that to Ted. I know that.

Holli: "I do not ask of the night explanations

"I wait for it and it envelops me

"and so you and bread and light and shadow are"

that's Pablo neruda.

I don't know what bread was doing in there,

but that touched me here

and here.

Well, if Ted won't say it, I will.

I love you.

That's cool.

Still nothing, huh?

Maybe he's not in love with us.

How can he not be in love with us?

We're everything he's looking for.

I don't get men.

Gotta head to work.

Will you be back?

I'll be back when the wind and fates and chance bring me back.

Which will be tomorrow.

It's cheese steak day.

Wow! It sounds like you were all over this guy.

Hope his girlfriend didn't get jealous.

Did he mention a girlfriend, or...

It was all going great,

until Marshall sent Ted a text meant for Lily

and ruined everything.

Well, it doesn't matter, okay?

It's over now. I gotta get going, but here's what's gonna happen.

You're going to call him right now, tell him what you did, and apologize.

You got it? Yes.

Holli explained everything. It was all just a misunderstanding.

Everything's great now.

Really?

How did holli explain her way out of that one?

Well, apparently, her dumb friend Marsha accidentally used her phone

to text her husband, Billy.

Marsha and Billy.

No one sprained any muscles there.

And now we are better than ever.

Look, I know this sounds crazy,

but I think I might actually be falling for this girl.

You're falling for Barney and Marshall.

What?

They didn't believe that you could wait the three days,

so Barney changed her number in your phone to his work cell.

Holli is Barney and Marshall.

Wait, that whole time, it was them?

Ted: So holli wasn't in the bath?

Or sitting by her window, looking up at the stars, thinking about me?

Or lounging in her old cheerleader uniform, reading architecture magazines?

Yeah. I don't think they actually did those things.

They were just at the bar.

Right.

But, yeah, it was them.

Unbelievable!

I know.

So you might as well tell them you're on to them.

Yeah.

I text them something that'll really mess with their heads.

Oh I gotcha. Okay. How about,

"I haven't told any of my friends yet,

"but I only have three months to live"?

Not bad. How about, "I once killed a man with a shovel,

"and those feelings are creeping up again"?

Uh-huh. I liked that thing someone said before about having three months to live.

How about, "I've never told anyone this, but I slept with my best friend's mom"?

That is good, butlfeelhke we keep coming back

to that three-months- to-live thing.

Wait. I think I got it.

Yeah?

He texted back!

"I probably shouldn't tell you this.

"I mean, we barely know each other.

"But what the hell, I'll just say it."

This is it, dude. Here comes the "I love you."

I wish Stan were here.

Stan.

Whoa! What?

"I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend."

"I sometimes have gay dreams about my best friend."

Why in the world would Ted text a girl he barely knows

that he sometimes has gay dreams about me?

Whoa, whoa, slow your roll.

You? He's clearly talking about me.

Dude, it's me. I'm his best friend.

Okay. One, that has never been proven.

Two, if anyone were to have gay dreams about one of us, it would be me.

I mean, look at me. Now look at you.

A still-in-the-closet 80-year-old wouldn't be into that mess.

Here's the thing, Barney. I'm snuggly. You're not.

Who wouldn't want to snuggle up next to this business on a Sunday morning?

Wrapped in a comforter, and it's raining outside,

and there's muffins warming in the oven.

I'm cuddly, bitch. Deal with it.

I work out every day.

If there is one thing we know about Ted, it's that he likes a nice body.

This body would rock his world.

Ted and I have a history. I know what he likes.

There are things I could do to him that would blow his mind...

Why do we keep trying to have sex with Ted?

I don't know. It's weird.

Crazy, right? Ted's having gay dreams about me?

And by me, he means m-e, Marshall Eriksen,

star of Ted's gay dreams.

Who cares? So Ted has gay dreams about one of you guys.

It's not like you found out he has three months to live.

That's, hke, shocking, right?

Whoa! Take a look at this guy.

How's it going, best friend of 12 years?

Well, it's kind of weird,

but I had this crazy dream the other night. It's a little embarrassing.

You can tell us, Ted. This is a safe space.

Yeah, your feelings are perfectly natural, buddy.

Okay. Here's what happened.

So I'm at the...

Older Ted: And then I proceeded

to waste a half hour of those bastards' lives,

telling them about this dream I had

where I ate dinner with my top five favorite architects throughout history.

And then, at the end of the meal,

frank gehry slides the check over to I.M. Pei, and he says,

"buddy, tonight, your name is I.M. Paying."

Buckminster Fuller almost did a spit take.

And then I woke up.

So, that's it?

No other dreams? Nothing confusing or erotic?

Okay, how about this? Ted, you know how, at some point in the future,

sure. Machines will rise up against us?

Okay. So the machines, they've killed everybody,

and all that's left is you,

and Barney.

Which one of us would you, like,

get with?

And why do I have to "get with" one of you?

The machines are forcing you.

They want to watch. That's just how they get down.

That's a tough one. I guess it would have to be...

Holli.

Robin told me what you guys did.

That's why I made up the gay dreams thing.

Guys, this is holli.

And I didn't wait your precious three days to call her.

I knew where she worked, so I tracked her down.

Let me ask you. Did I call you too soon?

I love that he called me right away.

I found it very romantic.

And by the way, I don't sit around my apartment

reading architecture magazines in my old cheerleader uniform.

I do that completely naked.

So holli and I are going out to dinner.

I'll meet you out front. Okay.

I'm sorry, buddy. We were just trying to help you.

And, also, it was really fun.

I don't need your help, okay? I can take care of myself.

And, yeah, maybe there are some girls

who wouldn't like it that I called them right away

or said things too soon, but guess what?

Those aren't the right girls for me.

Maybe the right girl is the one who loves that I do those things because...

That's just who I am, and I'm not gonna change

because of some stupid three-days rule.

Oh! And holli spells her name with an "I."

Older Ted: So I had proven that the three-days rule was wrong,

and I was out to dinner with a pretty girl.

And until right now, I've never told anyone

the truth about what happened on that date.

That's so funny! I love indie music, too. We should get married.

Ha, ha.

Just kidding.

Or am I?

Just kidding again!

That's it. We're totally going to Brazil together!

And I went to my doctor this morning, and he said it is all cleared up,

so I'm good to go.

I think I'm in love with you, Ted.

Older Ted: In the end, I didn't need to wait three days,

but holli really, really did.

Like a lot of rules, there are times to follow them

and times to not. But I will tell you this.

When I got your mother's number, I called her right away.

Stan! Hey, fellas.

Stan, aren't you working?

Took the night off.

That's great! We can all hang out!

Yeah!

I can't. Got a date.

You ready, baby? Yep.

What the...

Wait, wait. Couldn't you guys just stay here and do your date with us?

Yeah, it'll be fun!

Look, I'm laughing! It's fun here! You like magic?

Fellas, it's time we said goodbye.

I mean, we shared a very special afternoon together,

and that's something I will always Cherish. I'll never forget you guys.

Do you even know their names?

Noidea. Is the tall one Ted?

Robin: No. That's Marshall. He's married to Lily.

Stan: You like chicken wings?

Oh, yeah!