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1
00:00:04,046 --> 00:00:05,965
Lily, I heard this great
joke at work today.
2
00:00:06,048 --> 00:00:07,842
Dude, come on.
She's not gonna like it.
3
00:00:07,925 --> 00:00:09,886
It's boy-funny.
It's not girl-funny.
4
00:00:09,969 --> 00:00:14,098
That is sexist!
Funny is funny, Ted.
5
00:00:14,182 --> 00:00:15,808
Lily's cool.
She'll appreciate this.
6
00:00:15,892 --> 00:00:17,351
You're on your own, man.
7
00:00:17,435 --> 00:00:19,395
Just tell me the joke.
8
00:00:19,478 --> 00:00:20,855
Okay. Ready?
9
00:00:20,938 --> 00:00:25,526
Lily, what's the difference
between peanut butter and jam?
10
00:00:26,777 --> 00:00:28,196
See? It's funny. It's boy-funny.
11
00:00:28,279 --> 00:00:29,447
She's not gonna like it.
12
00:00:29,530 --> 00:00:30,865
Why don't you let me decide?
13
00:00:32,116 --> 00:00:35,119
What's the difference
between peanut butter and jam?
14
00:00:36,871 --> 00:00:38,915
Older Ted: And then
Barney said the punch line.
15
00:00:38,998 --> 00:00:42,710
To this day, it's still the dirtiest
joke I've ever heard in my life.
16
00:00:42,793 --> 00:00:44,378
And no, I'm not gonna say it.
17
00:00:45,630 --> 00:00:48,341
Yeah, I can't hang
out with you anymore.
18
00:00:48,841 --> 00:00:51,052
Oh, come on.
19
00:00:51,135 --> 00:00:53,054
That's a funny joke.
20
00:00:54,138 --> 00:00:55,723
Told you.
21
00:00:55,806 --> 00:00:57,391
She'll be back.
22
00:00:57,475 --> 00:01:00,811
Older Ted: And we didn't
see Lily for four weeks.
23
00:01:14,617 --> 00:01:16,410
Older Ted: Kids,
after getting laid off,
24
00:01:16,494 --> 00:01:18,454
I was finally pursuing
my lifelong dream,
25
00:01:18,537 --> 00:01:20,331
starting my own
architecture firm.
26
00:01:20,414 --> 00:01:22,333
All I needed was some clients.
27
00:01:22,416 --> 00:01:25,211
I think it's so great that you're
striking out on your own, Ted.
28
00:01:25,294 --> 00:01:27,046
I admire that. Thanks.
29
00:01:27,255 --> 00:01:29,483
And thanks for being so cool
with me using the apartment.
30
00:01:29,507 --> 00:01:31,467
Oh, yeah, of course.
Anything you need.
31
00:01:33,177 --> 00:01:35,989
Hey, small thing, do you mind not
watching television during business hours?
32
00:01:36,013 --> 00:01:37,014
This isn't working!
33
00:01:37,098 --> 00:01:39,859
I'm sorry. It's just, I can't concentrate
while wheel of fortune is...
34
00:01:40,685 --> 00:01:43,437
A penny saved is a
penny Marshall! Yes!
35
00:01:43,688 --> 00:01:46,774
Ted, I know you're nervous, but
you've got to stop procrastinating.
36
00:01:46,857 --> 00:01:51,612
You've spent the last two days choosing
the official pen of mosbius designs.
37
00:01:51,862 --> 00:01:55,741
Hey, I've made some progress,
huh? I've eliminated felt-tip.
38
00:01:57,159 --> 00:02:00,288
Who am I kidding? Felt's
back in the ballgame.
39
00:02:01,539 --> 00:02:03,874
Hey. You hear there's
gonna be more layoffs?
40
00:02:03,958 --> 00:02:06,335
I know. I'm freaking out.
41
00:02:06,419 --> 00:02:08,629
Are you worried?
Are you kidding?
42
00:02:08,713 --> 00:02:12,133
The things I know about this
company, I won't ever be fired.
43
00:02:12,216 --> 00:02:14,486
I mean, there's a pretty good
chance one day I'll wash up on shore
44
00:02:14,510 --> 00:02:17,555
with no fingerprints or
teeth, but I won't be fired.
45
00:02:17,638 --> 00:02:19,682
Well, I wish I had
yourconfidence.
46
00:02:20,224 --> 00:02:23,311
Look, you just need a way to
make yourself absolutely essential.
47
00:02:23,394 --> 00:02:25,813
Well, iwork harder than
anyone in my division.
48
00:02:25,896 --> 00:02:28,983
Yeah. Keeping your job has
nothing to do with hard work.
49
00:02:29,191 --> 00:02:31,068
You need a thing.
What do you mean, a thing?
50
00:02:31,152 --> 00:02:33,946
You know, something that
makes you fun and well-liked,
51
00:02:34,030 --> 00:02:35,740
like Marcus denisco.
52
00:02:35,823 --> 00:02:38,159
Older Ted: Marcus denisco
worked in account services
53
00:02:38,242 --> 00:02:40,911
and was perhaps the most
expendable employee at the company.
54
00:02:40,995 --> 00:02:43,831
I brought some donuts.
They're probably stupid.
55
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:46,167
Older Ted: But eventually,
he came to be known as...
56
00:02:46,250 --> 00:02:47,793
Food guy! Food guy!
57
00:02:47,877 --> 00:02:49,997
Who wants some pulled pork?
Of course you do! Come on!
58
00:02:51,797 --> 00:02:54,550
I love food guy.
They could never lay him off.
59
00:02:54,675 --> 00:02:56,761
Mmm-hmm. You know
what I love about food guy?
60
00:02:56,844 --> 00:02:59,096
He always has food.
He always has food.
61
00:02:59,180 --> 00:03:00,765
See? That's what you need.
62
00:03:00,848 --> 00:03:03,601
You need that thing
that makes you a guy.
63
00:03:03,684 --> 00:03:08,647
Oh, I have that thing that makes me
a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half.
64
00:03:08,898 --> 00:03:10,191
Not that thing.
65
00:03:10,274 --> 00:03:12,568
You know, a thing. Like toy guy.
66
00:03:12,943 --> 00:03:14,737
Guys, bad news.
67
00:03:14,820 --> 00:03:19,533
As your hr rep, I gotta review the
new overtime scheduling policy with you.
68
00:03:19,784 --> 00:03:24,330
The good news is we're gonna
do it while wearing Wolverine claws!
69
00:03:26,791 --> 00:03:30,628
Section 5a, overtime will no
longer be paid at time and a half.
70
00:03:30,711 --> 00:03:32,546
This is awesome! Claw five!
71
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:36,217
I love toy guy.
72
00:03:36,300 --> 00:03:37,718
See? You need a thing.
73
00:03:37,802 --> 00:03:39,428
Like YouTube clip guy.
74
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:50,398
You're right. I do need a thing.
75
00:03:50,481 --> 00:03:51,774
But choose wisely.
76
00:03:51,857 --> 00:03:53,818
You don't want to be
creepy back rub guy.
77
00:03:54,443 --> 00:03:55,444
Hey, don't fill up.
78
00:03:55,528 --> 00:03:57,128
Food guy's got panna
cotta in his office.
79
00:03:57,196 --> 00:03:58,322
Ooh!
80
00:03:59,782 --> 00:04:01,492
Douglas: Hey, buddy.
81
00:04:02,201 --> 00:04:04,161
Hey, Douglas.
82
00:04:04,829 --> 00:04:07,998
Wow. You're so tight.
83
00:04:09,208 --> 00:04:12,294
I was relaxed about
two seconds ago.
84
00:04:14,171 --> 00:04:15,756
You're next.
85
00:04:17,883 --> 00:04:20,177
Hi. Welcome to mosbius designs.
86
00:04:20,386 --> 00:04:22,430
Who the hell are you?
87
00:04:22,513 --> 00:04:24,682
I'm pj, Mr. Mosby's assistant.
88
00:04:25,641 --> 00:04:27,160
Ted, what the hell
is going... I'm sorry,
89
00:04:27,184 --> 00:04:29,770
we do not interrupt Mr. Mosby
during his brainstorming hour.
90
00:04:31,147 --> 00:04:33,983
It's okay, pj, that's
Robin. She lives here.
91
00:04:34,358 --> 00:04:38,612
Oh, I'm sorry for the disturbance,
sir. Do you need anything else?
92
00:04:38,696 --> 00:04:40,176
Well, I wouldn't
say no to a cup of...
93
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:41,532
You're right there!
94
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:46,203
So now Ted has an assistant
to help him not do anything.
95
00:04:46,287 --> 00:04:48,664
Hey, pj's been a
huge help to me,
96
00:04:48,747 --> 00:04:51,125
setting up the office,
designing the website.
97
00:04:51,208 --> 00:04:53,627
And in return, I'm mentoring
a bright, young mind.
98
00:04:53,711 --> 00:04:55,838
Ah, yes, the mentoring.
99
00:04:56,380 --> 00:04:59,175
I want you to go
outside today and simply
100
00:04:59,341 --> 00:05:02,428
put your hands on
buildings. All right?
101
00:05:02,553 --> 00:05:06,724
Feel the concrete pulse. Listen.
102
00:05:06,807 --> 00:05:10,561
Listen to the stories
the stones are telling you.
103
00:05:11,687 --> 00:05:13,481
And pick up my dry cleaning.
104
00:05:13,564 --> 00:05:15,065
I will.
105
00:05:15,357 --> 00:05:18,194
Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby.
All right.
106
00:05:19,570 --> 00:05:20,613
Hey, Ted?
107
00:05:21,780 --> 00:05:24,533
This table just told
me you're a douche.
108
00:05:26,202 --> 00:05:28,002
This whole mentoring
thing is just another way
109
00:05:28,078 --> 00:05:30,039
to procrastinate from
actually calling clients.
110
00:05:30,122 --> 00:05:32,833
I'm not procrastinating.
I just...
111
00:05:33,209 --> 00:05:34,710
I want everything
to be perfect, okay?
112
00:05:34,793 --> 00:05:36,295
I only get one shot at this.
113
00:05:36,378 --> 00:05:38,088
Fine, but pj is not helping.
114
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:39,340
Hey, hey.
115
00:05:39,423 --> 00:05:42,468
If Ted says that pj is
important to the company,
116
00:05:42,551 --> 00:05:44,678
then pj is not going anywhere.
117
00:05:44,762 --> 00:05:46,347
See? He's very valuable.
118
00:05:46,430 --> 00:05:47,848
Whoa, whoa.
119
00:05:48,390 --> 00:05:49,975
Pj's a guy?
120
00:05:50,059 --> 00:05:51,936
Pj's not some hot
chick you're banging?
121
00:05:52,019 --> 00:05:54,188
No, I'm mentoring him.
122
00:05:55,731 --> 00:05:57,191
Mentoring.
123
00:05:57,775 --> 00:06:01,529
I mentored a young fellow once.
Even made him my wingman.
124
00:06:01,612 --> 00:06:04,156
Then, one day,
he hired an assistant
125
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:06,992
to work 10 feet from his bedroom
126
00:06:07,076 --> 00:06:10,454
who, get this,
isn't a hot chick,
127
00:06:10,538 --> 00:06:12,456
proving he never
listened to a word I said.
128
00:06:12,540 --> 00:06:15,125
And do you know
that young man's name?
129
00:06:15,334 --> 00:06:16,585
Ted mosby?
130
00:06:16,710 --> 00:06:17,962
Maybe.
131
00:06:18,045 --> 00:06:19,547
I don't remember.
132
00:06:19,630 --> 00:06:22,091
Because he is dead to me!
133
00:06:26,470 --> 00:06:30,224
Pj's gonna be getting a
very confusing card in the mail
134
00:06:30,307 --> 00:06:33,435
along with a garment
that he should by no means
135
00:06:33,519 --> 00:06:36,355
wear for three days
and then mail back to me.
136
00:06:39,525 --> 00:06:41,068
Hey, Barney.
137
00:06:41,151 --> 00:06:44,071
I thought of a thing to make
me more essential here.
138
00:06:44,154 --> 00:06:47,658
I'm eco guy, 'cause everybody
loves a guy who recycles, right?
139
00:06:47,741 --> 00:06:49,785
Fired. What else you got?
140
00:06:49,868 --> 00:06:52,079
I thought of a few
others. Wacky tie guy.
141
00:06:52,162 --> 00:06:53,247
Fired.
142
00:06:53,330 --> 00:06:54,790
Dain fun fact guy?
143
00:06:54,873 --> 00:06:56,917
Did you know that you're fired?
144
00:06:57,001 --> 00:06:59,086
I know a good
stretch for that guy?
145
00:06:59,169 --> 00:07:00,796
Downward-facing fired.
146
00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:02,381
Monty python guy?
147
00:07:02,464 --> 00:07:05,301
We are
the knights who say, "you're fired."
148
00:07:06,135 --> 00:07:08,596
Wait! Wait! I did
use to run a fantasy
149
00:07:08,679 --> 00:07:10,639
basebahleague
back in law school.
150
00:07:10,723 --> 00:07:13,267
That's not bad.
You might be onto something.
151
00:07:13,350 --> 00:07:16,437
Awesome. Awesome!
I'll be fantasy guy!
152
00:07:16,520 --> 00:07:19,273
Vvewihave to make you sports
guy. We already have a fantasy guy.
153
00:07:19,356 --> 00:07:21,358
What's up, bros? Hey, frank.
154
00:07:26,322 --> 00:07:27,323
Hello?
155
00:07:27,615 --> 00:07:30,826
Hey, pj. Where are
you? You're never late.
156
00:07:31,952 --> 00:07:34,788
You're on top of the
empire state building?
157
00:07:36,123 --> 00:07:39,627
Listen to the old gal. She's
got some stories to tell.
158
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:42,630
Take all the time
you need. Okay.
159
00:07:45,174 --> 00:07:48,052
Wait a second. "Ted mosby home."
160
00:07:50,012 --> 00:07:53,015
Oh, my god, the call's
coming from inside the house.
161
00:08:02,316 --> 00:08:05,736
That's not the
empire state building.
162
00:08:10,991 --> 00:08:14,286
Robin, you cannot
sleep with my assistant.
163
00:08:14,370 --> 00:08:17,831
I'm trying to run a business
here. How did this even happen?
164
00:08:17,915 --> 00:08:21,210
Well, at lunch, when you
go on your wisdom walks,
165
00:08:21,293 --> 00:08:23,587
it gives me and pj
some time alone together.
166
00:08:24,171 --> 00:08:27,007
Inspiration, do your thing.
167
00:08:27,091 --> 00:08:30,761
It always does, sir.
It always does.
168
00:08:32,930 --> 00:08:36,433
Hey, pj, I actually have an
architectural question for you.
169
00:08:36,600 --> 00:08:38,519
How does Ted's ass taste?
170
00:08:38,602 --> 00:08:42,606
I wouldn't know, but I
assume it tastes like genius.
171
00:08:48,237 --> 00:08:49,571
Why is the bathroom locked?
172
00:08:49,655 --> 00:08:52,574
Visitors need to sign
in for the bathroom key.
173
00:08:52,658 --> 00:08:57,663
Listen, peej, and I want you to think
this over real good before you answer.
174
00:08:57,746 --> 00:09:01,667
Are you telling me that I can't go
to the bathroom in my apartment?
175
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:04,128
No. I am telling you
176
00:09:04,211 --> 00:09:06,004
that you need to ask permission
177
00:09:06,088 --> 00:09:08,465
to use the bathroom
in my office.
178
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:11,385
Why is that so hot?
179
00:09:12,803 --> 00:09:15,347
Robin, there are billions
of guys in the world.
180
00:09:15,431 --> 00:09:17,141
Why do you have to
sleep with my assistant?
181
00:09:17,266 --> 00:09:19,935
Ted, when I get off work,
it's 5:30 in the morning.
182
00:09:20,018 --> 00:09:22,146
Do you have any idea what
kind of guys I'm meeting?
183
00:09:22,771 --> 00:09:24,231
I deliver newspapers.
184
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:27,109
It's a dirty job, but
somebody's got to do it.
185
00:09:28,318 --> 00:09:32,322
Don't worry. I'll wash them
before I handle your business.
186
00:09:32,990 --> 00:09:34,241
I live with my mom.
187
00:09:34,324 --> 00:09:38,912
At night, we watch TV in her
bed. We call it cuddle club.
188
00:09:39,788 --> 00:09:44,209
So, you get up really early to trade
on the European stock exchanges.
189
00:09:44,293 --> 00:09:45,544
What's that like?
190
00:09:45,627 --> 00:09:47,337
Look, is this gonna
happen or not?
191
00:09:48,756 --> 00:09:51,508
Okay, first of all, I've
hung out with fantasy guy.
192
00:09:51,592 --> 00:09:55,262
You could do a lot worse.
Secondly, this has to stop.
193
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,306
Distracting pj is going
to kill our productivity.
194
00:09:57,389 --> 00:09:59,099
What productivity?
195
00:09:59,183 --> 00:10:01,059
You haven't even
called a single client.
196
00:10:01,143 --> 00:10:04,521
Hey, once I get the website
up, the brochures printed,
197
00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,332
and figure out what trust
games we're going to play
198
00:10:06,356 --> 00:10:08,984
at the corporate retreat,
I am making those calls.
199
00:10:09,902 --> 00:10:11,445
Corporate retreat?
200
00:10:11,528 --> 00:10:14,364
Mr. Mosby and I are
going camping on the roof.
201
00:10:16,366 --> 00:10:17,618
Hey, sports guy.
202
00:10:17,701 --> 00:10:19,220
Ihear people are raving
about your league.
203
00:10:19,244 --> 00:10:21,538
It's a lot harder than
I thought it would be.
204
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:23,791
Between entry fees
and transaction fees
205
00:10:23,874 --> 00:10:25,793
and penalty fees,
I'm actually...
206
00:10:25,876 --> 00:10:27,461
I'm holding on
to a lot of money.
207
00:10:28,170 --> 00:10:31,131
Great work, sports guy.
That's for last week.
208
00:10:35,177 --> 00:10:38,722
Marshall: 60, 80, 100.
209
00:10:38,806 --> 00:10:42,434
Okay. This is $18,000 cash.
210
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:44,394
It's not a big deal.
211
00:10:44,561 --> 00:10:47,731
I'll just take it home
and put it somewhere safe.
212
00:10:47,940 --> 00:10:51,693
Okay, just walking down the street
with some money in my pocket.
213
00:10:51,777 --> 00:10:53,487
Don't touch the money.
214
00:10:53,612 --> 00:10:55,364
That's so obvious. Just be cool.
215
00:10:56,240 --> 00:10:59,159
Oh, no. The baby's onto me.
216
00:10:59,243 --> 00:11:01,662
Babies can smell money.
Everyone knows that!
217
00:11:01,745 --> 00:11:04,248
I'm carrying a lot of money!
218
00:11:05,457 --> 00:11:09,169
Seriously, dude, I'm not sure how
much longer I can keep doing this.
219
00:11:09,253 --> 00:11:13,048
Marshall, last week you were
trash that no one wanted to look at.
220
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:14,591
Now, you're sports guy.
221
00:11:14,675 --> 00:11:17,052
I was trash? Last week!
222
00:11:17,761 --> 00:11:21,014
Hey, there's Ted mosby
of mosbius designs.
223
00:11:21,098 --> 00:11:22,850
How's the home
office coming, buddy?
224
00:11:22,933 --> 00:11:27,020
Well, it was going great till Robin
started banging my assistant.
225
00:11:29,106 --> 00:11:31,024
Ted, it's our apartment, okay?
226
00:11:31,108 --> 00:11:32,752
You leave a big chocolate
cake on the counter,
227
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,444
mama's gonna cut her off
a slice.
228
00:11:35,279 --> 00:11:36,530
I told you.
229
00:11:36,613 --> 00:11:39,366
Hire a cute assistant
that you can sleep with,
230
00:11:39,449 --> 00:11:41,928
but instead you hire a cute
assistant that Robin can sleep with.
231
00:11:41,952 --> 00:11:43,805
And of course he's gonna
sleep with her, Ted. Look at her!
232
00:11:43,829 --> 00:11:45,056
She's the greatest
woman on the planet!
233
00:11:45,080 --> 00:11:46,498
I'm getting off topic!
234
00:11:46,582 --> 00:11:47,875
You're an idiot!
235
00:11:47,958 --> 00:11:49,751
That's my message!
You're an idiot!
236
00:11:54,089 --> 00:11:58,302
One person storming off isn't
enough! Marshall, storm off with me!
237
00:12:02,806 --> 00:12:05,684
Barney. Dude, why
are you this upset
238
00:12:05,767 --> 00:12:07,895
about Ted not having sex
with the people he hires?
239
00:12:07,978 --> 00:12:09,980
Because it hurts!
240
00:12:10,105 --> 00:12:11,481
It hurts you how?
241
00:12:11,607 --> 00:12:14,776
It hurts because I love
242
00:12:14,902 --> 00:12:15,903
Ted
243
00:12:16,904 --> 00:12:18,697
having sex with women.
244
00:12:18,780 --> 00:12:20,741
I'm a very dedicated wingman!
245
00:12:20,824 --> 00:12:23,011
Look, lin's the only person
that I can talk to about this stuff.
246
00:12:23,035 --> 00:12:24,536
Just get her to talk to me.
247
00:12:24,620 --> 00:12:26,580
I'll try, but look,
there's no guarantees.
248
00:12:26,663 --> 00:12:30,083
She's still really
outraged about that joke.
249
00:12:30,751 --> 00:12:33,170
Thatjoke!
250
00:12:33,420 --> 00:12:37,132
Tore our little group apart, pitted
people I love against each other.
251
00:12:37,466 --> 00:12:38,926
Seriously, I wish...
252
00:12:39,009 --> 00:12:42,304
I wish that joke had
never come into our lives.
253
00:12:44,848 --> 00:12:46,034
It's kind of funnythough, right?
254
00:12:46,058 --> 00:12:47,184
It's so funny, man.
255
00:12:48,560 --> 00:12:50,228
Hey, good news, pj.
256
00:12:50,312 --> 00:12:52,064
The brochures you
designed just came in.
257
00:12:52,147 --> 00:12:53,857
Really interesting
choice for the cover.
258
00:12:53,941 --> 00:12:57,861
I like how instead of one of
my designs, you chose this.
259
00:12:58,362 --> 00:13:01,823
You know what? I must've
sent in the wrong photo.
260
00:13:01,907 --> 00:13:03,241
You think?
261
00:13:03,492 --> 00:13:06,620
Look, pj, the
website's still not done.
262
00:13:06,703 --> 00:13:08,956
You didn't even show up
to the corporate retreat.
263
00:13:09,039 --> 00:13:11,583
By the way,
I saw a shooting star,
264
00:13:12,042 --> 00:13:13,961
and you're late every day!
265
00:13:14,044 --> 00:13:16,046
I'm sorry, pj.
I gotta get focused.
266
00:13:16,380 --> 00:13:17,422
You're fired.
267
00:13:17,506 --> 00:13:19,216
You can't fire...
268
00:13:19,299 --> 00:13:20,842
Pj, you're fired.
269
00:13:20,926 --> 00:13:22,010
Fine!
270
00:13:25,555 --> 00:13:28,475
Hey, baby. I just got fired.
271
00:13:29,935 --> 00:13:31,245
Yeah, I'll wait for
you at your place.
272
00:13:31,269 --> 00:13:32,771
Okay, bye.
273
00:13:34,940 --> 00:13:36,733
Oh! Wheel of fortune.
274
00:13:42,364 --> 00:13:45,659
I love having all this free
time to spend with you.
275
00:13:45,742 --> 00:13:48,203
I'm going to kiss
you here and here.
276
00:13:48,286 --> 00:13:49,705
Ooh! Ooh!
277
00:13:49,788 --> 00:13:52,541
And here and here. And...
278
00:13:52,624 --> 00:13:54,084
Oh! Please stop.
279
00:13:56,044 --> 00:13:57,337
I'm going to go to the bathroom.
280
00:13:57,421 --> 00:13:59,172
I'll miss you.
281
00:13:59,256 --> 00:14:00,841
I'll miss you, too.
282
00:14:05,721 --> 00:14:07,241
You're already sick
of him, aren't you?
283
00:14:07,305 --> 00:14:09,141
He's driving me crazy.
284
00:14:09,224 --> 00:14:11,518
When pj had a job, he was sexy.
285
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,729
He was guardian
of the bathroom key.
286
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:18,108
A hot guy telling you when
you can and can't pee?
287
00:14:18,525 --> 00:14:20,318
That's the dream.
288
00:14:20,402 --> 00:14:23,405
That's the dream? The dream?
289
00:14:23,572 --> 00:14:25,866
Like what Martin Luther King
was talking about?
290
00:14:25,949 --> 00:14:29,494
I have to end it, don't I?
I'm terrible at breakups.
291
00:14:29,578 --> 00:14:30,722
I still have to go a little bit,
292
00:14:30,746 --> 00:14:32,748
but I couldn't be away
from you one second longer.
293
00:14:32,831 --> 00:14:34,916
Oh! Listen.
294
00:14:36,668 --> 00:14:38,587
Dude, I don't know. What?
295
00:14:38,670 --> 00:14:40,630
Yeah, it's just...
296
00:14:41,048 --> 00:14:43,300
It's not really...
297
00:14:43,383 --> 00:14:45,510
Ix-nay, you know?
298
00:14:45,594 --> 00:14:48,388
Ix-nay on what?
299
00:14:48,472 --> 00:14:49,639
Not feeling it.
300
00:14:49,723 --> 00:14:51,224
Not feeling what?
301
00:14:51,308 --> 00:14:52,893
But friends and stuff?
302
00:14:52,976 --> 00:14:55,812
Oh, my god, this is
the worst breakup ever.
303
00:14:56,146 --> 00:14:57,856
You're breaking up with me?
304
00:14:59,649 --> 00:15:01,651
If that's what you want,
I totally understand.
305
00:15:02,903 --> 00:15:06,823
Hey, you still haven't activated that
shortstop the mariners just brought up.
306
00:15:06,907 --> 00:15:08,283
Gotta have it. Ha!
307
00:15:09,659 --> 00:15:11,745
See, sports guy?
People love you.
308
00:15:11,828 --> 00:15:13,789
I can't be sports
guy anymore, okay?
309
00:15:13,872 --> 00:15:15,123
It's killing me!
310
00:15:15,207 --> 00:15:17,042
I keep getting
these constant texts
311
00:15:17,125 --> 00:15:19,836
and e-mails and phone calls
in the middle of the night.
312
00:15:20,087 --> 00:15:23,507
Sometimes I even
think that I'm being followed.
313
00:15:24,341 --> 00:15:25,842
Hey, buddy.
314
00:15:26,009 --> 00:15:27,636
I need you to push
that trade through,
315
00:15:27,719 --> 00:15:29,846
so I can set up my new lineup.
316
00:15:29,930 --> 00:15:33,016
Wow, you really carry it in
your shoulders, don't you?
317
00:15:33,225 --> 00:15:35,435
Seriously, it's over.
318
00:15:35,519 --> 00:15:37,437
Do you want me to stop?
319
00:15:41,024 --> 00:15:43,211
Older Ted: With Robin and pj
broken up, I was free to make
320
00:15:43,235 --> 00:15:45,570
some staffing
changes in the office.
321
00:15:47,030 --> 00:15:48,532
Hi, welcome to mosbius designs.
322
00:15:48,615 --> 00:15:51,785
You got to be kidding me.
323
00:15:51,868 --> 00:15:54,204
Older Ted: And now that
pj was back at work...
324
00:15:55,580 --> 00:15:57,874
You got to be kidding me.
325
00:15:58,583 --> 00:16:01,962
So, apparently Robin
and pj are an item again.
326
00:16:02,045 --> 00:16:03,964
You got to be kidding me!
327
00:16:07,425 --> 00:16:08,468
Are you all right?
328
00:16:09,886 --> 00:16:11,429
Okay, since lin's
not talking to me,
329
00:16:11,513 --> 00:16:12,990
there's something
that I have to tell you.
330
00:16:13,014 --> 00:16:15,600
And this isn't easy
to say, all right?
331
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:18,937
I'm... wait for it.
332
00:16:19,437 --> 00:16:21,857
In... wait for it.
333
00:16:22,149 --> 00:16:24,568
Love... wait for it.
334
00:16:25,152 --> 00:16:27,279
With... wait for it.
335
00:16:32,159 --> 00:16:34,244
A... wait for it.
336
00:16:35,078 --> 00:16:36,079
Certain... wait for it.
337
00:16:36,163 --> 00:16:37,473
I know that you're
in love with Robin!
338
00:16:37,497 --> 00:16:38,665
What?
339
00:16:38,748 --> 00:16:41,459
Lily told me. She told you?
340
00:16:41,543 --> 00:16:42,752
Great.
341
00:16:43,962 --> 00:16:47,090
I bet you guys have been laughing
at me behind my back the whole time.
342
00:16:48,508 --> 00:16:53,180
Actually, in a weird way, we both think
you're kind of perfect for each other.
343
00:16:53,680 --> 00:16:54,681
You do?
344
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:57,642
Yeah. Matter of fact, we even try
to sit on the same side of the booth
345
00:16:57,726 --> 00:16:59,227
so you two will
have to sit together.
346
00:16:59,311 --> 00:17:01,354
Really? That's so sweet.
347
00:17:01,563 --> 00:17:06,693
But let's be clear. I
don't love her. Okay?
348
00:17:06,860 --> 00:17:09,696
I just miss her
when she's not around.
349
00:17:09,779 --> 00:17:11,674
I think about her all the
time, and I imagine us one day
350
00:17:11,698 --> 00:17:13,259
running towards each
other in slow motion,
351
00:17:13,283 --> 00:17:15,744
and I'm wearing
a brown suede vest.
352
00:17:16,036 --> 00:17:17,680
Are you ever going to
tell her how you feel?
353
00:17:17,704 --> 00:17:20,832
No. Maybe.
Never. I don't know. Look...
354
00:17:22,042 --> 00:17:25,545
I just need to get that
pj idiot away from her.
355
00:17:25,629 --> 00:17:29,007
If Lily were here, she'd know
exactly how to get rid of him.
356
00:17:29,132 --> 00:17:30,217
Maybe I can help.
357
00:17:30,300 --> 00:17:32,469
Marshall, you're no Lily.
358
00:17:32,552 --> 00:17:36,473
Lily is a diabolical puppet master,
subtly manipulating every situation
359
00:17:36,556 --> 00:17:41,061
to get exactly what she
wants. She's pure evil, Marshall.
360
00:17:41,311 --> 00:17:44,481
You got a good one there.
Hang on to her.
361
00:17:44,648 --> 00:17:48,276
Older Ted: Meanwhile, my bizarre
tug of war with Robin over pj continued.
362
00:17:48,485 --> 00:17:52,405
Hey, pj. I was about to
go on my wisdom walk.
363
00:17:52,656 --> 00:17:54,449
Want to join me?
364
00:17:54,532 --> 00:17:58,453
Hey, pj. I took the
bathroom key without asking.
365
00:17:58,536 --> 00:17:59,913
What are you
going to do about it?
366
00:18:01,164 --> 00:18:03,375
Look, you guys are both great,
367
00:18:03,500 --> 00:18:06,378
but the truth is
I'm taking another job.
368
00:18:06,878 --> 00:18:08,380
These are for you.
369
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:11,091
Robin, I hope this letter
offers some closure.
370
00:18:11,174 --> 00:18:14,094
Ted, I'm really
going to miss you.
371
00:18:16,763 --> 00:18:18,932
You can't trade Manny
Ramirez for two middle relievers!
372
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:20,826
If you veto that trade,
I am out of the league!
373
00:18:20,850 --> 00:18:23,520
Okay! Okay! I'll figure it out.
374
00:18:26,564 --> 00:18:29,067
Hire the kid to be a paralegal.
375
00:18:29,150 --> 00:18:32,320
He gets to do all the work, and
you still get to be sports guy.
376
00:18:32,404 --> 00:18:35,699
Pure evil, Eriksen. Pure evil.
377
00:18:38,034 --> 00:18:39,869
Hey, thanks.
378
00:18:44,165 --> 00:18:46,376
Hey. You okay?
379
00:18:49,254 --> 00:18:51,131
What if I don't
think of the books?
380
00:18:51,715 --> 00:18:53,174
Excuse me?
381
00:18:53,258 --> 00:18:54,738
There's this famous
architecture story
382
00:18:54,801 --> 00:18:57,721
about an architect who
designed this library.
383
00:18:57,887 --> 00:18:59,431
It was perfect.
384
00:18:59,681 --> 00:19:01,766
But every year,
the whole thing would
385
00:19:01,850 --> 00:19:04,227
sink a couple of
inches into the ground.
386
00:19:05,103 --> 00:19:07,689
Eventually, the building
was condemned.
387
00:19:08,565 --> 00:19:12,569
He forgot to account for
the weight of the books.
388
00:19:13,069 --> 00:19:16,281
This company, it's just me.
389
00:19:17,407 --> 00:19:19,784
What if I don't
think of the books?
390
00:19:19,993 --> 00:19:22,537
Okay, first of all,
nobody goes to libraries
391
00:19:22,620 --> 00:19:24,831
anymore, so who
cares about that guy?
392
00:19:24,914 --> 00:19:29,252
Secondly, you need to get on
the phone and start calling clients.
393
00:19:29,419 --> 00:19:31,212
The longer I put off
starting my own firm,
394
00:19:31,296 --> 00:19:35,967
the longer it can remain a dream
and not something I screwed up at.
395
00:19:36,718 --> 00:19:39,804
I mean, it's like I'm giving
up before I even started.
396
00:19:39,929 --> 00:19:41,765
You want to talk
about giving up?
397
00:19:41,848 --> 00:19:44,392
Iused to describe
my ideal guy as
398
00:19:44,476 --> 00:19:47,604
funny, smart,
passionate, challenging.
399
00:19:47,687 --> 00:19:51,900
And now, apparently, I will
settle for "in my apartment."
400
00:19:52,984 --> 00:19:55,546
I mean, didn't you think you'd
have it all more figured out by now?
401
00:19:55,570 --> 00:19:58,948
Are you kidding? By 30, I was
going to be annoyingly successful,
402
00:19:59,115 --> 00:20:02,035
married to the perfect woman,
maybe a kid on the way.
403
00:20:02,118 --> 00:20:05,163
Instead, I'm just some
guy sitting in his apartment
404
00:20:05,246 --> 00:20:08,291
having a staring
contest with his phone.
405
00:20:08,958 --> 00:20:10,543
And losing.
406
00:20:11,544 --> 00:20:14,464
Hey. You can take that thing.
407
00:20:31,815 --> 00:20:34,359
Hi, this is Ted mosby
of mosbius designs.
408
00:20:34,442 --> 00:20:37,737
I'm calling to inquire about any design
needs you may have now or in the future.
409
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:38,863
That sounds great, buddy.
410
00:20:38,947 --> 00:20:40,240
Really? I sound confident? Yup.
411
00:20:40,323 --> 00:20:41,491
Now call an actual client.
412
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:42,700
Great.
413
00:20:47,497 --> 00:20:48,832
Hey, food guy!
414
00:20:50,291 --> 00:20:52,293
Hey, toy guy!
415
00:20:57,340 --> 00:20:58,675
Who's that guy?
416
00:21:00,135 --> 00:21:01,678
He doesn't work here.
417
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,280
I think we should
leave the building.
418
00:21:03,304 --> 00:21:04,389
Really?
419
00:21:04,472 --> 00:21:06,641
This has happened before.
31985
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