Original subtitles

Lily, I heard this great joke at work today.

Dude, come on. She's not gonna like it.

It's boy-funny. It's not girl-funny.

That is sexist! Funny is funny, Ted.

Lily's cool. She'll appreciate this.

You're on your own, man.

Just tell me the joke.

Okay. Ready?

Lily, what's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

See? It's funny. It's boy-funny.

She's not gonna like it.

Why don't you let me decide?

What's the difference between peanut butter and jam?

Older Ted: And then Barney said the punch line.

To this day, it's still the dirtiest joke I've ever heard in my life.

And no, I'm not gonna say it.

Yeah, I can't hang out with you anymore.

Oh, come on.

That's a funny joke.

Told you.

She'll be back.

Older Ted: And we didn't see Lily for four weeks.

Older Ted: Kids, after getting laid off,

I was finally pursuing my lifelong dream,

starting my own architecture firm.

All I needed was some clients.

I think it's so great that you're striking out on your own, Ted.

I admire that. Thanks.

And thanks for being so cool with me using the apartment.

Oh, yeah, of course. Anything you need.

Hey, small thing, do you mind not watching television during business hours?

This isn't working!

I'm sorry. It's just, I can't concentrate while wheel of fortune is...

A penny saved is a penny Marshall! Yes!

Ted, I know you're nervous, but you've got to stop procrastinating.

You've spent the last two days choosing the official pen of mosbius designs.

Hey, I've made some progress, huh? I've eliminated felt-tip.

Who am I kidding? Felt's back in the ballgame.

Hey. You hear there's gonna be more layoffs?

I know. I'm freaking out.

Are you worried? Are you kidding?

The things I know about this company, I won't ever be fired.

I mean, there's a pretty good chance one day I'll wash up on shore

with no fingerprints or teeth, but I won't be fired.

Well, I wish I had yourconfidence.

Look, you just need a way to make yourself absolutely essential.

Well, iwork harder than anyone in my division.

Yeah. Keeping your job has nothing to do with hard work.

You need a thing. What do you mean, a thing?

You know, something that makes you fun and well-liked,

like Marcus denisco.

Older Ted: Marcus denisco worked in account services

and was perhaps the most expendable employee at the company.

I brought some donuts. They're probably stupid.

Older Ted: But eventually, he came to be known as...

Food guy! Food guy!

Who wants some pulled pork? Of course you do! Come on!

I love food guy. They could never lay him off.

Mmm-hmm. You know what I love about food guy?

He always has food. He always has food.

See? That's what you need.

You need that thing that makes you a guy.

Oh, I have that thing that makes me a guy. Maybe even a guy and a half.

Not that thing.

You know, a thing. Like toy guy.

Guys, bad news.

As your hr rep, I gotta review the new overtime scheduling policy with you.

The good news is we're gonna do it while wearing Wolverine claws!

Section 5a, overtime will no longer be paid at time and a half.

This is awesome! Claw five!

I love toy guy.

See? You need a thing.

Like YouTube clip guy.

You're right. I do need a thing.

But choose wisely.

You don't want to be creepy back rub guy.

Hey, don't fill up.

Food guy's got panna cotta in his office.

Ooh!

Douglas: Hey, buddy.

Hey, Douglas.

Wow. You're so tight.

I was relaxed about two seconds ago.

You're next.

Hi. Welcome to mosbius designs.

Who the hell are you?

I'm pj, Mr. Mosby's assistant.

Ted, what the hell is going... I'm sorry,

we do not interrupt Mr. Mosby during his brainstorming hour.

It's okay, pj, that's Robin. She lives here.

Oh, I'm sorry for the disturbance, sir. Do you need anything else?

Well, I wouldn't say no to a cup of...

You're right there!

So now Ted has an assistant to help him not do anything.

Hey, pj's been a huge help to me,

setting up the office, designing the website.

And in return, I'm mentoring a bright, young mind.

Ah, yes, the mentoring.

I want you to go outside today and simply

put your hands on buildings. All right?

Feel the concrete pulse. Listen.

Listen to the stories the stones are telling you.

And pick up my dry cleaning.

I will.

Thank you so much, Mr. Mosby. All right.

Hey, Ted?

This table just told me you're a douche.

This whole mentoring thing is just another way

to procrastinate from actually calling clients.

I'm not procrastinating. I just...

I want everything to be perfect, okay?

I only get one shot at this.

Fine, but pj is not helping.

Hey, hey.

If Ted says that pj is important to the company,

then pj is not going anywhere.

See? He's very valuable.

Whoa, whoa.

Pj's a guy?

Pj's not some hot chick you're banging?

No, I'm mentoring him.

Mentoring.

I mentored a young fellow once. Even made him my wingman.

Then, one day, he hired an assistant

to work 10 feet from his bedroom

who, get this, isn't a hot chick,

proving he never listened to a word I said.

And do you know that young man's name?

Ted mosby?

Maybe.

I don't remember.

Because he is dead to me!

Pj's gonna be getting a very confusing card in the mail

along with a garment that he should by no means

wear for three days and then mail back to me.

Hey, Barney.

I thought of a thing to make me more essential here.

I'm eco guy, 'cause everybody loves a guy who recycles, right?

Fired. What else you got?

I thought of a few others. Wacky tie guy.

Fired.

Dain fun fact guy?

Did you know that you're fired?

I know a good stretch for that guy?

Downward-facing fired.

Monty python guy?

We are the knights who say, "you're fired."

Wait! Wait! I did use to run a fantasy

basebahleague back in law school.

That's not bad. You might be onto something.

Awesome. Awesome! I'll be fantasy guy!

Vvewihave to make you sports guy. We already have a fantasy guy.

What's up, bros? Hey, frank.

Hello?

Hey, pj. Where are you? You're never late.

You're on top of the empire state building?

Listen to the old gal. She's got some stories to tell.

Take all the time you need. Okay.

Wait a second. "Ted mosby home."

Oh, my god, the call's coming from inside the house.

That's not the empire state building.

Robin, you cannot sleep with my assistant.

I'm trying to run a business here. How did this even happen?

Well, at lunch, when you go on your wisdom walks,

it gives me and pj some time alone together.

Inspiration, do your thing.

It always does, sir. It always does.

Hey, pj, I actually have an architectural question for you.

How does Ted's ass taste?

I wouldn't know, but I assume it tastes like genius.

Why is the bathroom locked?

Visitors need to sign in for the bathroom key.

Listen, peej, and I want you to think this over real good before you answer.

Are you telling me that I can't go to the bathroom in my apartment?

No. I am telling you

that you need to ask permission

to use the bathroom in my office.

Why is that so hot?

Robin, there are billions of guys in the world.

Why do you have to sleep with my assistant?

Ted, when I get off work, it's 5:30 in the morning.

Do you have any idea what kind of guys I'm meeting?

I deliver newspapers.

It's a dirty job, but somebody's got to do it.

Don't worry. I'll wash them before I handle your business.

I live with my mom.

At night, we watch TV in her bed. We call it cuddle club.

So, you get up really early to trade on the European stock exchanges.

What's that like?

Look, is this gonna happen or not?

Okay, first of all, I've hung out with fantasy guy.

You could do a lot worse. Secondly, this has to stop.

Distracting pj is going to kill our productivity.

What productivity?

You haven't even called a single client.

Hey, once I get the website up, the brochures printed,

and figure out what trust games we're going to play

at the corporate retreat, I am making those calls.

Corporate retreat?

Mr. Mosby and I are going camping on the roof.

Hey, sports guy.

Ihear people are raving about your league.

It's a lot harder than I thought it would be.

Between entry fees and transaction fees

and penalty fees, I'm actually...

I'm holding on to a lot of money.

Great work, sports guy. That's for last week.

Marshall: 60, 80, 100.

Okay. This is $18,000 cash.

It's not a big deal.

I'll just take it home and put it somewhere safe.

Okay, just walking down the street with some money in my pocket.

Don't touch the money.

That's so obvious. Just be cool.

Oh, no. The baby's onto me.

Babies can smell money. Everyone knows that!

I'm carrying a lot of money!

Seriously, dude, I'm not sure how much longer I can keep doing this.

Marshall, last week you were trash that no one wanted to look at.

Now, you're sports guy.

I was trash? Last week!

Hey, there's Ted mosby of mosbius designs.

How's the home office coming, buddy?

Well, it was going great till Robin started banging my assistant.

Ted, it's our apartment, okay?

You leave a big chocolate cake on the counter,

mama's gonna cut her off a slice.

I told you.

Hire a cute assistant that you can sleep with,

but instead you hire a cute assistant that Robin can sleep with.

And of course he's gonna sleep with her, Ted. Look at her!

She's the greatest woman on the planet!

I'm getting off topic!

You're an idiot!

That's my message! You're an idiot!

One person storming off isn't enough! Marshall, storm off with me!

Barney. Dude, why are you this upset

about Ted not having sex with the people he hires?

Because it hurts!

It hurts you how?

It hurts because I love

Ted

having sex with women.

I'm a very dedicated wingman!

Look, lin's the only person that I can talk to about this stuff.

Just get her to talk to me.

I'll try, but look, there's no guarantees.

She's still really outraged about that joke.

Thatjoke!

Tore our little group apart, pitted people I love against each other.

Seriously, I wish...

I wish that joke had never come into our lives.

It's kind of funnythough, right?

It's so funny, man.

Hey, good news, pj.

The brochures you designed just came in.

Really interesting choice for the cover.

I like how instead of one of my designs, you chose this.

You know what? I must've sent in the wrong photo.

You think?

Look, pj, the website's still not done.

You didn't even show up to the corporate retreat.

By the way, I saw a shooting star,

and you're late every day!

I'm sorry, pj. I gotta get focused.

You're fired.

You can't fire...

Pj, you're fired.

Fine!

Hey, baby. I just got fired.

Yeah, I'll wait for you at your place.

Okay, bye.

Oh! Wheel of fortune.

I love having all this free time to spend with you.

I'm going to kiss you here and here.

Ooh! Ooh!

And here and here. And...

Oh! Please stop.

I'm going to go to the bathroom.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you, too.

You're already sick of him, aren't you?

He's driving me crazy.

When pj had a job, he was sexy.

He was guardian of the bathroom key.

A hot guy telling you when you can and can't pee?

That's the dream.

That's the dream? The dream?

Like what Martin Luther King was talking about?

I have to end it, don't I? I'm terrible at breakups.

I still have to go a little bit,

but I couldn't be away from you one second longer.

Oh! Listen.

Dude, I don't know. What?

Yeah, it's just...

It's not really...

Ix-nay, you know?

Ix-nay on what?

Not feeling it.

Not feeling what?

But friends and stuff?

Oh, my god, this is the worst breakup ever.

You're breaking up with me?

If that's what you want, I totally understand.

Hey, you still haven't activated that shortstop the mariners just brought up.

Gotta have it. Ha!

See, sports guy? People love you.

I can't be sports guy anymore, okay?

It's killing me!

I keep getting these constant texts

and e-mails and phone calls in the middle of the night.

Sometimes I even think that I'm being followed.

Hey, buddy.

I need you to push that trade through,

so I can set up my new lineup.

Wow, you really carry it in your shoulders, don't you?

Seriously, it's over.

Do you want me to stop?

Older Ted: With Robin and pj broken up, I was free to make

some staffing changes in the office.

Hi, welcome to mosbius designs.

You got to be kidding me.

Older Ted: And now that pj was back at work...

You got to be kidding me.

So, apparently Robin and pj are an item again.

You got to be kidding me!

Are you all right?

Okay, since lin's not talking to me,

there's something that I have to tell you.

And this isn't easy to say, all right?

I'm... wait for it.

In... wait for it.

Love... wait for it.

With... wait for it.

A... wait for it.

Certain... wait for it.

I know that you're in love with Robin!

What?

Lily told me. She told you?

Great.

I bet you guys have been laughing at me behind my back the whole time.

Actually, in a weird way, we both think you're kind of perfect for each other.

You do?

Yeah. Matter of fact, we even try to sit on the same side of the booth

so you two will have to sit together.

Really? That's so sweet.

But let's be clear. I don't love her. Okay?

I just miss her when she's not around.

I think about her all the time, and I imagine us one day

running towards each other in slow motion,

and I'm wearing a brown suede vest.

Are you ever going to tell her how you feel?

No. Maybe. Never. I don't know. Look...

I just need to get that pj idiot away from her.

If Lily were here, she'd know exactly how to get rid of him.

Maybe I can help.

Marshall, you're no Lily.

Lily is a diabolical puppet master, subtly manipulating every situation

to get exactly what she wants. She's pure evil, Marshall.

You got a good one there. Hang on to her.

Older Ted: Meanwhile, my bizarre tug of war with Robin over pj continued.

Hey, pj. I was about to go on my wisdom walk.

Want to join me?

Hey, pj. I took the bathroom key without asking.

What are you going to do about it?

Look, you guys are both great,

but the truth is I'm taking another job.

These are for you.

Robin, I hope this letter offers some closure.

Ted, I'm really going to miss you.

You can't trade Manny Ramirez for two middle relievers!

If you veto that trade, I am out of the league!

Okay! Okay! I'll figure it out.

Hire the kid to be a paralegal.

He gets to do all the work, and you still get to be sports guy.

Pure evil, Eriksen. Pure evil.

Hey, thanks.

Hey. You okay?

What if I don't think of the books?

Excuse me?

There's this famous architecture story

about an architect who designed this library.

It was perfect.

But every year, the whole thing would

sink a couple of inches into the ground.

Eventually, the building was condemned.

He forgot to account for the weight of the books.

This company, it's just me.

What if I don't think of the books?

Okay, first of all, nobody goes to libraries

anymore, so who cares about that guy?

Secondly, you need to get on the phone and start calling clients.

The longer I put off starting my own firm,

the longer it can remain a dream and not something I screwed up at.

I mean, it's like I'm giving up before I even started.

You want to talk about giving up?

Iused to describe my ideal guy as

funny, smart, passionate, challenging.

And now, apparently, I will settle for "in my apartment."

I mean, didn't you think you'd have it all more figured out by now?

Are you kidding? By 30, I was going to be annoyingly successful,

married to the perfect woman, maybe a kid on the way.

Instead, I'm just some guy sitting in his apartment

having a staring contest with his phone.

And losing.

Hey. You can take that thing.

Hi, this is Ted mosby of mosbius designs.

I'm calling to inquire about any design needs you may have now or in the future.

That sounds great, buddy.

Really? I sound confident? Yup.

Now call an actual client.

Great.

Hey, food guy!

Hey, toy guy!

Who's that guy?

He doesn't work here.

I think we should leave the building.

Really?

This has happened before.