Original subtitles

You will not believe what happened at laser tag last night.

People freaked out because a creepy man in a suit

wouldn't leave their kids alone?

Vveh, yeah, pretty much.

Come on!

Boy: Ow! My shoulder!

Come on.

Stinson, my office! Now!

Crap.

Disorderly game play,

three counts of shoving, and now this!

Stinson, you're a liability!

I know I don't play by your "precious rules," mccracken,

but damn it, I get results!

Look, you're a good laser tag player,

maybe the best I've ever seen.

But one of these days, you're gonna get someone hurt.

Maybe even yourself.

You just forget what it's like out there.

You've had your fat ass stuck behind that desk for too long.

That's it! You're out of here, Stinson!

Hand in your gun and your ID badge!

With pleasure.

Please don't do this. This game is all I got.

And I've almost got enough tickets for the remote-control helicopter.

Please.

I can't believe I'm doing this.

But I'm gonna give you one last shot.

But so help me, if you so much as step one toe out of line,

you're gonna be playing duck hunt in your mama's basement

so fast it's gonna make your head spin.

Now, get out of here!

You won't regret this.

Whoa.

That's it, Stinson. You're banned for life!

I can't believe you got kicked out of laser tag. What are you gonna do?

What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?

I'll tell you what Ted and I are gonna do.

We're gonna break in after hours and tp the place.

Barney, we are too old to cover a place in toilet paper

just because they won't let you play laser tag.

And for that matter, we're too old for laser tag.

Ted, laser tag knows no age restrictions.

Kind of like stripping in the midwest.

Yeah, whatever.

I'm adding laser tag to the Murtaugh list.

Oh, jeez, not the Murtaugh list.

Yeah. What's the Murtaugh list?

Older Ted: The Murtaugh list is something that came into being

around the time I turned 30.

It all started with your uncle Marshall's beer bong.

When we were in our early 203, every time we had a party,

that beer bong came out.

And around the time we turned 30, same thing.

Of course, in our early 203, the next day would go like this.

But by the time we were 30, the next day would go like this.

Then one day, in the throes of the worst hangover of my life,

I realized there was only one person

in the world that I could relate to.

Detective Roger Murtaugh,

played by Danny glover in the '803 noir masterpiece lethal weapon,

known for his oft-quoted catchphrase...

I'm too old for this...

Older Ted: Stuff. He said, "I'm too old for this stuff."

It's sad to admit, but as you get older,

there's just certain things you can't do anymore.

That's why I have this list, so I never make the mistake of thinking

that I can still pull an all-nighter.

Oh. I'm too old for that stuff.

Or eat an entire pizza in one sitting.

I'm too old for that stuff.

Or hang posters on your wall without frames.

Riggs. Riggs!

I'm too old for that stuff.

By the way, how good is lethal weapon?

I don't know. It's kind of a rip-off.

Old guy paired up with a young, renegade cop.

Sound familiar?

Mack/eroy and lefleur.

Don't tell me you guys have never seen mack/eroy and lefleur.

It's the greatest Canadian action movie of all time.

Mackleroy is a young, renegade mountie whose horse was just killed

by evil Americans... wait.

While lefleur, his grouchy, old, African-Canadian partner,

just bought a cozy ice-fishing shack...

Wait... in northern alberta.

Now... stop it!

I got to go.

Bye, baby. Have fun at practice.

Practice? Is he doing that one-man band thing again?

'Cause that was a bummer.

Older Ted: Actually, Marshall had just taken over as coach

for Lily's kindergarten basketball team.

He thought it'd be fun, but Lily saw it as something more.

Dad practice.

Hey! Oh, my gosh!

Orange slices. That is so sweet.

What are you doing here?

I couldn't resist. I wanted to see coach marshmallow do his thing.

Om okay.

Hey, kids, who wants to knock off early

and have some of these here orange slices?

Yeah? Well, you can't! Because oranges are for winners,

and you little turds haven't even made a single shot yet!

You're embarrassing yourselves,

you're embarrassing miss aldrin,

and worst of all, you're embarrassing me!

That's it! Suicides! Baseline! Now!

Run.

Ted, there is not a single thing on here that you are too old to do.

In fact, if you did everything on the Murtaugh list,

I'd call that a pretty fun weekend.

Barney, you are not 18 anymore.

If you did everything on that list, you would die.

That wasn't a challenge. Challenge accepted.

In the next 24 hours, I'm going to do every single thing on this list.

And after I do, you will tp the laser tag place with me.

And if you can't do it?

I will spend three hours listening to you talk about architecture.

You have got yourself a deal.

Robin, will you do the honors?

A gentlemen's agreement!

Huzzah! Huzzah!

All right, chumps, let's do this.

Barney Stinson!

You really want to make this bet with him? You know how he is.

Robin, there is some pretty tough stuff on that list.

Do you really think Barney's gonna get his ear pierced?

"Get ear pierced." Check.

All right, I'm off to go do laundry at mom's house.

Hey, you guys mind if I crash on your futon tonight?

We don't have a futon.

Put it over there, boys.

What's going on? It's on the Murtaugh list.

"Crash on a friend's futon instead of getting a hotel room."

I am too old for that stuff.

Dude, what's going on with your ear?

It looks like the inside of a Jack-o'-lantern on November 3rd.

What, this? Just a little infectsh.

Nothing a young guy like me can't shake off.

Plus, "put off going to the doctor," on the list.

Oh. Hold on.

Go for...

Keep running!

You know what's funny is I was supposed to come here to teach them...

Do not stop running!

This whole time, they've been the ones who are teaching me. Hey!

That's not running! That's falling!

Older Ted: The next morning, Barney woke up on the futon in our living room.

Check.

"Drinking shots with strangers." Check.

You okay, Barney? It looks like you hurt your back.

Oh, no.

Just rocking a party hunch. I like it. Closer to my booze. To youth.

Can I get a straw?

I must say, there is something admirable

about the way Barney wants to stay young at heart.

I mean, who wants to get old?

This guy.

Robin, life is a meal and old age is the dessert.

I spend so much of my time worrying about the future.

You know, "where's my career going? Who am I gonna marry?"

But when you're old, you don't worry,

'cause all that stuff's already happened.

Plus, you get to wear comfy shoes,

and a chair takes you up and down the stairs. It's perfect.

That's not perfect. That's pathetic.

You can't justjump to the end. The journey is the best part.

Oh, romn, I used to feel that way, too,

but you'll understand when you're a little bit older.

Marshall, can you try not to pick on the kids today?

I'm not picking on the kids, Lily.

I'm picking on the culture of losing around here.

I got to get them in shape if they're gonna win that game tomorrow.

Win? We don't keep score.

What? We don't keep score.

You don't keep...

What's the point of playing if you don't

keep score? How do you know...

Lily, what were you doing with this team before I got here?

I was coaching them.

Boy: Whee!

That's it, my little angels.

You're all luminous, wonderful beings of light.

What's the score?

It's all tied up at fun to fun!

Because that's the point of playing, to have fun.

No. The point of playing is to win the trophy.

And if you don't know who's winning, who gets the trophy?

Everyone. It's a participation trophy.

Everyone gets one.

It's like you're speaking Chinese to me right now.

Hi, this is Barney. And Robin.

We can't answer the phone right now because...

He's watching sports and I'm...

Probably out shopping.

Uh-oh!

Leave a message and we'll call you back just as soon...

As...

Can! Can!

"Leave an annoying two-person message

"on your answering machine." Check.

Probably gonna cost me some dates, but it's okay.

Barney, youreafls starting to smell.

No, it's good.

I hate to send it back, but you did describe the Turkey as extremely lean,

and, well, you tell me.

All right. That's it.

We have our own list. What?

This is a list of things you're too young to do.

Go out and do each one of these things

and then tell me you still want to be an old man.

Hmm.

Remove "colonoscopy" and "have sex with an old lady,"

and this is a cakewalk.

New stakes, then. If I can finish your list before you finish mine,

you have to come with me to tp laser tag,

and you have to buy the toilet paper.

And none of that biodegradable crap. I want it up there forever.

Fine, but if I finish your list first,

it's a six-hour survey of early 20th-century American architecture,

and you can never do anything on the Murtaugh list ever again.

It's for your own good.

You, sir, have got yourself a deal.

A gentlemen's agreement!

Huzzah! Huzzah!

Marshall, they're in kindergarten.

This isn't how you teach basketball.

Sure it is. It's the way I learned.

Are you kidding me? What kind of sociopath taught you this way?

Come on, dad. I'm tired.

Sleep is for winners.

You can go to bed when you score a basket.

I'm trying.

Let's give you two points for trying.

But negative two points for having a great big head.

My father gave me no quarter, and I asked for no quarter.

I totally gotta call that guy.

Keep stretching!

"Put on reading glasses." Check.

"Yell at neighborhood kids." My pleasure.

Hey. Hey.

What the hell happened to you?

Oh, I just had a very minor blew-out-my-knee-and- it-hurts-like-hell incident.

How'd you blow outyourknee?

We "helped someone move out of a sixth-floor walk-up

"in exchange for pizza and beer."

Or we helped someone Rob a sixth-floor walk-up.

They were in a big hurry and left all the pictures behind.

Whatevs. It counts.

Now I am off to "dye my hair a funny color,"

and then we are going to "go to a rave."

Mmm-hmm.

Ooh! 4:00! Supper time.

Okay. So, your dad was tough on you.

That stinks, but you don't have to be like him.

You can learn from his mistakes.

Mistakes? Lily, scoreboard. The guy nailed it, okay?

He taught me how to be a winner.

That's what I'm teaching these kids. And, for that matter,

that's what I'm gonna teach our kids someday.

Okay, that's it. This is not how we're gonna raise our kids!

And this is not how you're gonna coach this team!

At tomorrow's game, if you are anything less

than a Teddy bear stuffed with cotton candy and rainbows,

I will silent-treatment your ass into the ground!

You'll think the time I found your Internet

search history was a freaking picnic!

Are we clear?

Lily, there are many different...

Are we clear?

Yes, ma'am.

You know, what's ironic is that now...

Lily, no!

Just call Ted. I want to go home.

All right. I'm calling him. But it's 4:30 in the morning.

He's not going to be awake.

"Up at 4:00." Check.

Is he answering? I haven't dialed yet.

Oh, please hurry, Robin.

Ooh, perfect. "Take forever to answer the phone."

Come on, Ted. Someone gave me some aspirin and I don't think it was aspirin.

Check.

So, I know that I have been a little tough on you for the past couple days.

And I apologize for that.

So today, we're not gonna worry about winning.

We're gonna go out there and have fun.

Older Ted: Kids, over the years,

your uncle Marshall has told and retold

the story of this game hundreds of times.

And in reality, the kids on that other team were probably only a grade older.

But in telling and retelling the story, they came to look like this.

Yay! Way to let them score that easily.

Now you're sitting down. Awesome.

Addison, it's not soccer. You don't kick the ball!

Unless that's something that you think is fun,

in which case, great job having fun.

Whoa, that was a foul, wasn't it, ref?

My name's not ref. It's Kenny.

And watch your tone.

No tone, Kenny. Great job, Kenny.

Thanks a lot, Kenny. See you later, Kenny.

All right, Barney. As your manager, I'm throwing in the towel.

This bet is over.

Your ear looks like a free Danish at a continental breakfast.

No. No. One thing left.

"Beer bong."

Oh! Coming right up.

I found these weird Russian beers in the basement.

Russian beers? I'll take a brewski.

Hey. Brewski. Get it?

Yeah, it's a little warm.

Hope that's not a problem.

Don't. Okay. Don't, don't, don't.

All right, Ted. You win. I hate this.

I hate all of it. My back is killing me.

Everyone at the rave thought I was a narc.

My ear hurts so bad I can hear it.

I can hear my own ear. Think about that.

My clothes...

What is it... what is it... what am I...

Get this stuff off of me!

Ted, I'll pay you double for your finest suit.

Here's 30 bucks.

And throw in the shoes.

You win, Ted.

I'll never do anything on the Murtaugh list again. I'm too old for this stuff.

You know, Barney, last night, I went to bed at 8:00

because it was on the list,

and I couldn't sleep because, well, it was 8:00.

So I decided to watch lethal weapon.

And then, when I still couldn't sleep, I watched lethal weapon 2.

And then I watched 3.

And then, halfway through lethal weapon 4

is when it occurred to me.

Murtaugh kept saying, "I'm too old for this stuff,"

but every time he'd say it, he'd turn around, make another movie

and do more stuff.

I guess what I'm saying is,

screw being old.

Let's go tp laser tag, huh?

Yeah.

And then the hospital.

Great job, guys.

At least we're not keeping score, right? No idea what the score is.

Could be 53 to zero. Could be some other score.

It's 53 to zero.

What are we doing wrong, coach?

You know what? You're not doing anything wrong.

It's great that you guys are losing,

becauseinlfie, it doesn't matter how much effort you put in,

or how hard you try, people will just give you things

like diplomas and jobs and promotions.

So, it doesn't matter what you do out there, as long as you have fun.

Older Ted: At that point, because they didn't want to fight in front of the kids,

your uncle Marshall and aunt Lily

had one of their telepathic conversations.

Lily: Don't you give me that look.

Marshall: Lily, I can't take it anymore!

Your way of coaching is crazy!

Lil y: Stop yelling at me!

Marshall: Sorry.

But can lplease do it my way?

Lily: Fine, but I'm going to do it my way, too. I'm getting my guitar.

Older Ted: I don't know if it was Marshall's tough attitude,

Lily's gentle encouragement

or some magical combination of the two,

but in the second half of that game,

that ragtag group of little firecrackers

got beat down even worse.

In fact, according to your uncle Marshall,

in the second half, the other team got even taller.

And one of them turned into a teen wolf.

Kenny! There is a teen wolf on the court!

That can't be legal.

I know the teen wolf looks different, kids,

but try to make sure he feels included.

Oh, yeah!

How is that not traveling, Kenny?

You're killing me! You are absolutely killing me!

Hey, watch it, coach, or you'll get a technical.

Oh, Kenny, I'm begging you to give me a technical.

Older Ted: When the final horn mercifully blew,

the score was, by Marshall's estimate, 118 to nothing.

And even though they didn't win anything,

everyone, even the coach, got a participation trophy.

I understand if you don't want it.

I love it.

I just... I worked so hard. It feels good

to be appreciated for my effort.

I know, baby.

Maybe your way is not totally stupid.

Thanks.

Your way is totally stupid.

Mccracken: Stinson!

Son,

you have been a pain in my ass ever since you joined this club.

But damn it, if this ain't some of the finest tp work I've ever seen.

You're reinstated, effective immediately.

Really?

Hell, no! I'm calling the police!

Grown-ass man with pink hair throwing toilet paper.

You've got to be kidding me, I'm too old for this...

Older Ted: Stuff, he said, "stuff."