All language subtitles for How.I.Met.Your.Mother.S04E17.BluRay.x264-WAVEY.en

Older Ted: In march of 2009, I'd
been dating my high school girlfriend Karen

for a few weeks.

My friends could not
have been less excited.

Hey, everybody.

All: Hello.

Sorry, we can't stay long.

What a shame! That is sad!

Hey, are those real
diamond earrings?

Yes. Yes, they are. Thank you.

I didn't say I liked them.

Oh, well, I got a great
deal on them, so...

Cool. I'm sure all the exploited
diamond miners in Sierra Leone

would give you a high-five if
they still had all their fingers,

but really pretty.

Meet me upstairs.

They only need one finger
to give her what I'm thinking.

Yeah. Ted, Karen's a douche.

Wow. Thanks for sugarcoating it.

"Douche" is sugarcoating it.

Okay, believe it or not, my friends
do not get a vote on who I date.

It's my life. I call the shots.

Ted, now! Yeah, coming!

I don't know what Ted
sees in that horrible woman.

I mean, yeah,
she's got boobs, but...

I guess I get it.

I think it's 'cause
they met in high school.

She was his
first real girlfriend.

We look at Karen and see a jerk.

Ted looks at Karen and sees
the first person to touch his wiener

besides himself, his
mom and his pediatrician.

Okay, well, it's almost 2:00
am. I better get ready for work.

How can they call that thing
you're on a morning show?

4:00 am. Is still the middle of
the night. I don't see how you do it.

It's been almost a month.
I'm used to it.

Plus the show's
not half bad, right?

Totally. We've never seen it.

Have you guys ever watched it?

Of course!
They've never seen it.

Really? What is your
favorite segment?

Vveather neverseenit

you guys have
never seen my show?

Sorry. It's true.

That's what I've been saying.

Okay, yes, it's dull and generic
and we get spanked in the ratings

by that Korean channel that only
shows Kim jong il riding a horse,

but, guys, it would mean
so much to me ifjust once

I knew my friends
were out there watching.

I'll tell you what,

this Friday morning, everyone
can come to our place, 3:30 am.

We'll all put on pjs.
We'll watch Robin's show.

Aw, you guys are the best.

We just want to support you.

I just want to go to sleep.

I hate Robin for not
being more successful.

Hey, guys.

Sad announcement.
Karen broke up with me.

Go ahead.

I knew you were listening! Yes!

Hey, hey, we
shouldn't be celebrating.

Ted's just been
through a bad breakup.

Look, buddy, tell us everything.
Tell us what happened.

Seriously, spare no details.

What did she say? What
did you say? How did it feel?

If you were to do it again,
all over, would you maybe...

How did it happen?

It was the stupidest thing.

I mean, we were just hanging
out, you know, being funny.

You're the fan of 2002 chiantis.

Ew! No, you're the
fan of 2002 chiantis.

Wait. What is this?

Looks like one
of Robin's earrings.

Huh! That's weird.

You're the fan...
How did it get in your bed?

I don't know.

Have you been
sleeping with Robin?

What? No, of course not!

It probably got mixed in
with the laundry or something.

Why should I believe you?

Um, maybe because I've
always been faithful to you,

while you've cheated on
me, like, six times, bitch.

Cold-blooded! Snap!

Right? Right?

Yeah, I totally
should have said that.

Why should I believe you?

Um, maybe because I've always
been faithful to you, while you...

I love you.

I knew this was a mistake.

That's it. It's over.

And that was it. She left.

What a story.

So brave of you to share that.

Wait. Those are your pajamas?

You sleep in a pajama suit?

Of course. What do
you think I sleep in?

A coffin.

Dude, that doesn't
look comfortable at all.

You're wearing a tie.

First of all,
it's a sleeping cravat.

Second, it's not about comfort.

It's about looking good
all the time.

Why do you have to
look good all the time?

Marshall, let me tell you a
little story about something

that happened
a couple of months back.

Hi. We were just having
a "who's hornier?" Contest

and we spilled massage
oil all over ourselves.

Nice pajamas.
Can we use your shower?

That's not a memory.
That's from a porn movie.

Not just any movie. That's
the exact scene from...

Never mind.

The point is it could happen.

And if it did, and I didn't look

my absolute best
for those greasy sluts,

I'd regret it forever.

I'm sorry, dude, but that is just
the most ridiculous sleeping attire

I've ever seen in
my life. Anyway...

Marshall's wearing a nightgown!

Marshall's wearing a nightgown!

Hey, guys, you know how in
the future we're always saying,

"remember when
Marshall wore a nightgown?"

This is that time!

It's a nightshirt.

You can call it a ninja star
danger jock if you want,

doesn't make you any
less of a cross-dresser.

Whatever, dude. It's comfy.

Mmm-hmm. Barney: Uh-huh?

So, flying to neverland with
Peter and tink, was that amazing?

Ooh! Let me go next!

Was it nice to finally get
out of that crowded bed

and take Charlie to
the chocolate factory?

Ooh! Me, me, me, me!
Something about scrooge!

Come on, guys.
I'm carrying the team.

I don't know.

I lived with Marshall
for 12 years.

Any time he's wearing
clothes at all, it's a victory.

Lily: Ted, show's
about to start!

Be right there!

Good morning, New York. I'm...

Whoa! Hey!

Marshall, I just found Robin's
earring on your dresser.

Did you have something to do
with the other one being in my bed?

What are you talking about?
You've always hated Karen.

You've been telling
me to break up with her.

You did it. You put the earring in
my bed so that Karen would find it.

No, Ted! No! I would never...

Admit it!
There's nothing to admit!

Then why was Robin's
earring on your dresser?

He was accessorizing!

Marshall, I swear to god, if you
don't tell me the truth right now...

Wait! Marshall didn't do it.

I did.

I broke you and Karen up.

You broke me and Karen up?

Are you insane?

What gives you
the right to do that?

Ted, I did it for your own good.

You just weren't seeing
how awful she was.

She failed the front porch test.

What's the front porch test?

Ted, you, me and Marshall have
been best friends since college.

Think about how much
we all mean to each other.

So when I picture the
future, I picture us all together.

How we'll all be retired,

sipping tea on the front
porch of our beach house,

playing bridge all day.

Okay, Bridges are wild.

Four of a bridge
beats a royal bridge.

I see your bridge, and I
raise you three Bridges.

Bridge! Iwin!

You have no idea how
to play bridge, do you?

We're gonna take a class.

It's important to stay acfive.

So whenever you've been
dating somebody for a while,

I do the front porch test.

You know, how is this person gonna
fit in with our group over the years?

And when I think
about Karen there...

Bridge! Iwin!

Fantastic.
Another game of bridge.

Don't read a book or anything.

Look, dear, dolphins.

Karen: They seem happy.

Iguessthe chemical runoff from
this elitist beachfront property

hasn't rotted out
their blowholes yet.

It will. That
water will kill you.

It is a toxic deathtrap.

I'm gonna take a dip.

I'll join you.

Karen failed
the front porch test.

She had to go.

I can't believe you did that.

Ted, think about how awesome
you, me and Marshall are.

Seriously, think about it.

We're pretty awesome.
We're totally awesome!

So whoever you marry,
whoever joins team awesome,

the bar is set pretty damn high.

Look, I'm not saying
what I did was right, but...

You're better off without her.

And if Clarence the angel
says it's true, it must be true.

Okay, you know what?
Fine, make your little jokes.

Seriously, why would you
wear something like that?

Lots of reasons.

I bet you can't name five.

One, no need to wear
anything underneath.

I can vouch for that. Will
you cross your legs, buddy?

Two, sexy.

I can vouch for that.

Will you uncross
your legs, buddy?

Three, my grandpa olaf wore
one, and he lived to be 107.

Four, no elastic waistband leaving
its judgmental pink teeth marks

around my Thanksgiving belly.

And five, every night when
I go to sleep, it's the freest,

most wonderful feeling in
the world. I feel like I'm flying.

So that's how I go
to bed every night,

happy, weightless,
with a heart full of joy.

What about you?

Ihaveto lie perfectly still so I
don't wrinkle my suit-jamas.

But at least I'm
not wearing a dress.

So, how mad are you?

I don't know. I mean,

I guess if you guys feel
that strongly about Karen,

then maybe it was for the best.

I really am sorry.

I hated doing that again,
but Karen had to go.

Again? Wait. How many times have
you broken me up with a girlfriend?

Never! Six.

Like who? No one! Angie.

Sophomore year.

She was just using you to get back
at her ex, and you clearly didn't see it,

so one day when
she was taking a nap...

Creed?

Oh, my god, I have
to break up with her.

So that's where
my creed cd went.

Who else?

Remember that weird Sci-Fi girl

who wanted you to propose
after, like, two months?

You barely even liked her, but
you were still thinking about it, so...

Listen, Ted, you're great,
and this is so difficult,

but I think we 're looking
for different things.

So, live long and prosper.
Whatever.

That was you? This is insane!

Ted, I did those things to help
you. You're a commitment junkie.

You fall in love
with these women

evenifthey don't deserve you.

What if one of those women was
supposed to be the mother of my children?

If there was ever the
tiniest chance of that,

I swear I didn't do anything.

Like with Victoria or Stella.

Or Robin.

Or Robin.

Robin, Robin...

Did you break us up, too?

Did you break us up, too?

Stop talking to me
like I'm your enemy!

You weep for these women,

but you have the luxury
of not knowing what I know,

that those breakups,
while tragic,

probably saved you from a crappy
and very expensive first marriage.

Did you break me and Robin up?

You don't want the
truth because deep down,

you want me out there
watching out for you.

And deep down, you know
that none of those women

were ever gonna be the
mother of your children.

Did you break me and Robin up?

I did what I had to do.

Did you break me and Robin up?

You're damn right I did!

Marshall, your grandpa olaf
was a wise man.

You broke me and Robin up?

No, it's not...
I cannot believe this.

I need another drink.

You know, I feel a
little breeze down there.

It's nice.

You think that's something?
Stand over this heating vent.

It's like yourjunk is
on a tropical island.

Little Barney says, "mahalo."

Mmm-hmm.

Seriously, what is
wrong with you, Lily?

How could you do that?

I did this
because I care about you!

I am so glad that is
the one you watched!

Dear god, what happened to you?

You didn't watch my show?

Oh! The show. Sorry.
Something special happen?

Same old same-old.

Lilyjust told us that
she broke you and me up.

What? Broke us up?
What does that even mean?

And why are these
guys wearing nightgowns?

Nightshirt. Nightshirt.

It's a nightshirt. It's
called a nightshirt, Robin.

Turns out Lily has taken
it upon herself to sabotage

many of my relationships,
including ours.

No. Robin was different.

I didn't want you two
to break up,

but you wanted completely
different things out of life

and refused to deal with it.

I could just picture
that front porch.

Hmm. Two of hearts.

Just like the hearts of
the two children lneverhad

because my lovely wife
hates kids.

Mmm, a deuce.

Exactly what my career dropped once
I decided to settle down and marry Ted.

Bridge! Iwin.

Well, I do not like
that scenario one bit.

All I tried to do was get you
guys to talk about your issues.

I didn't know I was
feeding you the words

that would lead to your breakup.

Hey, here's a fun question,
just for fun.

Where do you see
yourself in five years?

You know what's fun?
Fun questions.

Where do you see
yourself in five years?

Where do you see
yourself in five years?

Where do you see yourself?

Not to put words in your mouth,

but you probably
want to be married.

I probably want to be married.

You probably want to
be in Tokyo or Paris.

I probably want
to be in Argentina.

Argentina?

Or Tokyo or Paris.

We have an expiration
date, don't we?

Oh, my god. Lily,

you can't manipulate
people like that!

I've known you 12 years,
and I can honestly say,

I have never been
more furious at you!

Look, I didn't mean to...
I was just...

No! I don't even
want to hear it!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Settle down!
Let's just settle down!

Now, I have one question.

What do these bad
boys feel like in bed?

Come on. Let's go see.

So, if it weren't for you, Ted
and I might still be dafing?

Or you would have
stayed together far too long,

had an incredibly bitter breakup

and not even remained friends,

and then you and I would
never have become best friends.

Don't even say that. Okay?

Stop hugging!

Lily, you had no right to
interfere in my relationships.

You got lucky. Okay?

You met the love of your life in a
dorm hallway when you were 18.

But that doesn't give
you the right to play god

to the rest of us
mortals down here

who are still
looking for someone.

You're so concerned about who
you and Marshall are gonna end up

on that front porch with.

Well, you know what? You
can have it to yourselves.

What happened to your jacket?

Soot, bread crumbs, placenta.

Did you at least TiVo it?

So, you're this
comfy every night,

and Lily still has sex with you?

Yeah. That's what marriage is
all about, man, unconditional love.

You can wear whatever
you want and still get laid.

Tell me more
about being married.

Well, sometimes,
when you're married,

you wake up to the smell of
breakfast already on the table.

And coffee, too?
And coffee, too.

Sometimes, she'll even put
out a vase of freshly cut flowers.

I love flowers.

And sometimes, when you're worried you've
made all the wrong decisions in life,

and you're not nearly the man you
want to be, what does she do then?

Well, she tells you that you're
great and it's all gonna be okay.

That's wonderful.

And she'll help you find
other girls to have sex with?

I mean, I guess.

Maybe if you agreed
upon that beforehand, yeah.

Mmm.

Little guy had a big day.
We'll talk about it tomorrow.

Sweet dreams, slugger.

Older Ted: The next night, I
was still angry at your aunt Lily.

Until...

Hi. What are you... hi.

Lily came by and
explained everything.

And she gave me
this note for you.

Lily: "Ted, I'm sorry.

"It doesn't matter
to me who you marry.

"I know they'll be awesome
because they'll think you are.

"To show I mean it,

"I put together a little surprise
for you and Karen upstairs.

"Love, Lily."

Marshall: "P. S. Sorry the
envelope was already open.

"I had to read what
she wrote. Marshall."

Sabotaging our relationship?
I got to say,

even using the specially-ordered,
extra-low bar by which I

judge your friends, Lily
really outdid herself this time.

Obviously, we can't
ever see her again.

I know. It's a big loss, right?

Hey, remember your
old college roommate?

He was married to that
shrill, little idiot girl.

Marshall. Oh, it's been so long.

God, I hated him.

Anyway, here's his obituary.

And I realized, maybe it
shouldn't matter what my friends

think of my girlfriend, but
it sure as hell matters what

my girlfriend
thinks of my friends.

Wow. So you ended it?

Yeah.

So if you want to be my plus
one, Lily's a damn good cook.

Robin: Mmm!

Beef pot pie, Mac and cheese,
homemade buttermilk biscuits.

Wow, no wonder
Marshall dies at 68.

Thank you.

Older Ted: So, Robin and
I enjoyed a gourmet dinner.

Well, for her it was breakfast.

And we ended up doing exactly
what Lily wanted us to do all along,

we talked about
our relationship.

So, Lily broke us up, sort of.

Yeah.

Kind of makes you wonder.

Yeah.

I mean, if it weren't for her,

would we still be
dating right now?

Maybe.

But Lily was right.
We weren't ready.

We both needed to move on,
do our own thing.

Still do, I guess.

Mmm-hmm.

We should make a pact.

If the years go by,
and we both turn 40,

and we're still single, we...

Robin scherbatsky,
will you be my backup wife?

A girl always dreams
of hearing those words.

Yes! Yes! A million times, yes!

Thank you.

All right, it's a deal. Yeah.

So, should
we set up some ground rules for this?

Okay, like what?

I don't know. Like neither one of
us can get super fat. Stuff like that.

Okay, I only have one,
you can't wear a nightshirt.

I will never wear a nightshirt.

Thank god.

Never mind.