Original subtitles

GOSSIP GIRL HERE-- YOUR ONE AND ONLY SOURCE

INTO THE SCANDALOUS LIVES OF MANHATTAN'S ELITE.

DANIEL HUMPHREY HAS JUST RELEASED

THE LATEST INSTALLMENT OF HIS SERIAL--

A CHAPTER ON OUR VERY OWN SERENA.

WHY WOULD YOU WRITE THIS NOW?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE DIFFERENT.

WHAT I WANT ISN'T IN BROOKLYN, DAD. I HAVE A PLAN.

I HAVE THIS WHOLE TIME.

YOU ARE INDEBTED TO ME.

YOU'RE GONNA HELP ME DEFEAT CHUCK.

Meet me at my office first thing tomorrow.

Unless, of course,

YOU'D RATHER A WAKE-UP CALL FROM THE FEDS.

HE IS A RUTHLESS CRIMINAL.

THERE IS NOTHING TO STOP HIM FROM HURTING ANYONE,

INCLUDING YOU.

I TOLD YOU, NO ONE GOT HURT.

YOU'RE HURTING ME RIGHT NOW.

LILY HAS FINALLY SEEN THE LIGHT.

SHE'S GOING TO HELP ME TAKE DOWN BART.

WILL YOU GO TO WAR WITH ME?

I THOUGHT YOU'D NEVER ASK.

AND WHO AM I?

THAT'S A SECRET I'LL NEVER TELL.

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME.

X.O.X.O., GOSSIP GIRL.

-- Captions by VITA --

(drumroll)

(crashes cymbal)

(French accent) STEP RIGHT UP, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!

(speaking French)

ALORS, YOU PLACE THE ORANGE UNDER YOUR NECK,

AND YOU PASS IT TO THE PLAYER RIGHT NEXT TO YOU...

BUT WITHOUT USING YOUR HANDS.

ALORS UN, DEUX, ET TROIS.

(blows whistle)

***

MRS. BASS?

(gasps) WHO ARE YOU?

DIDN'T CHARLES TELL YOU, MRS. BASS?

TELL ME WHAT?

ANY MORNING NOW,

HE COULD WAKE UP DEAD.

LEAVE ME ALONE!

DEAD, MRS. BASS,

LIKE LAST WEEK'S NEWS.

DOROTA, IT'S TIME!

WAKEY, WAKEY!

LET'S HOPE IN THIS NIGHTMARE,

FATHER DOESN'T KNOW BEST.

***

THIS IS THE ONE.

THIS HOVEL? YOU'RE FLUSH WITH CASH FROM YOUR MOVIE DEAL.

LOOK. NIKKI FINKE PUT YOUR PICTURE UP NEXT TO HARVEY'S.

YOU SHOULD BE LOOKING FOR A SOUNDPROOF ROOM

AND A BIDET AND A GUEST BATH.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? I DON'T--I DON'T NEED A BIDET.

IT'S FOR ME.

OH. WELL, NOW I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SET FOOT IN THE GUEST BATH

WITHOUT FIRST THINKING OF YOUR GEOR-GINA.

BUT YOU'RE NOT MOVING IN HERE,

SO YOU CAN CHECK YOUR FANTASIES AT THE DOOR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO PHILIP?

SOMETHING HAPPENED TO PHILIP?

WELL...

WHAT? I AM A HIGHLY SOUGHT AFTER TALENT MANAGER NOW.

I CANNOT BE EXPECTED TO LIVE IN A LESSER BOROUGH.

(mouths word)

AND PHILIP LOVES BROOKLYN AND HE HAS

HIS LITTLE DADDY AND ME CLASSES EVERY TUESDAY IN FORT GREEN.

YOU'RE DELUSIONAL.

THIS IS GREAT. I'LL TAKE IT--SOLO.

GREAT. GREAT.

THE ONLY THING IS THAT THE CO-OP BOARD OF THIS BUILDING

IS PARTICULARLY STRINGENT,

SO IF YOU WANT IN, YOU'LL HAVE TO GET A GOOD REFERENCE.

RIGHT. (sighs)

LILY, I HAVE RESEARCHED

ALL THE NAMES AND NUMBERS YOU GAVE ME

FROM BART'S OFFSHORE ACCOUNTS.

I CAN'T PULL UP THE RECORDS WITHOUT THE PASS CODES.

DO YOU RECALL ANY OF THOSE?

I'm sorry, Charles.

I gave you all the information I have.

OKAY. WELL, THANK YOU.

I APPRECIATE YOUR HELP.

UNFORTUNATELY, I NEED SOMETHING MORE.

I better go. I'm late for my bamboo oat body smoother.

Good luck, darling.

(beep)

LILY'S INFORMATION IS USELESS

WITHOUT THE P.I.N. NUMBERS.

WE HAVE NO HARD EVIDENCE BART ILLEGALLY TRADED OIL.

WELL, IT'S TOO BAD.

TONIGHT'S GALA WOULD'VE BEEN THE PERFECT TIME TO STRIKE,

WITH THE CITY'S MOST PROMINENT EYES UPON HIM.

MAN OF THE YEAR. WHAT A CHARADE.

THAT'S IT.

WHAT'S IT?

A CHARADE.

LILY'S INFORMATION MAY NOT BE ENOUGH TO CONVICT BART,

BUT IT MAY BE ENOUGH TO BLUFF A CONFESSION OUT OF HIM.

I CAN'T PUT LILY IN DANGER.,

HE CANNOT KNOW SHE WAS THE ONE WHO TOLD ME ABOUT THE ACCOUNTS.

BUT WHAT IF LILY DIDN'T DO IT?

ARE YOU ON SOME DIET I SHOULD KNOW ABOUT?

HUH?

YOU LITERALLY JUST TOSSED A COOKIE.

I GO TO CONSTANCE.

I KNOW AN EATING DISORDER WHEN I SEE ONE.

NO, IT'S MORE LIKE NERVES.

I HAVE MY DAILY MEETING WITH BART BASS.

WELL, IF THE STRESS IS DRIVING YOU TO MANOREXIA,

MAYBE YOU SHOULD SKIP IT.

YEAH, RIGHT.

ONLY REASON BART'S NOT SENDING ME TO JAIL

IS BECAUSE I'M BEING HIS MOLE WITH CHUCK.

I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW HOW CLAIRE DANES DOES IT.

SPYING HURTS ME HEAD, OKAY?

WELL, MAYBE HE'LL GET SICK OF THESE MEETINGS SOON ENOUGH.

THAT'S DOUBTFUL,

AND THE ONLY THING HE HATES MORE THAN CHUCK IS TARDINESS,

SO I'M GONNA GO.

HEY, MARSHALL, IT'S SERENA.

UH, LET ME KNOW IF YOU HEAR OF ANY SUBLETS

OR PRODUCTIONS THAT NEED AN EXTRA HAND.

I'LL BE IN L.A. TOMORROW. BYE.

(Blair) SERENA!

(beep)

OH. IT IS A MESS IN HERE.

OH. YEAH, I'M JUST PURGING MY CLOSET.

AH. A POST-DAN CLEANSE.

IT'S JUST WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED,

AND A LITTLE DISTRACTION.

WHICH IS EXACTLY WHAT WE HAVE FOR YOU.

IS THIS ABOUT BART? YEAH, MY MOM CALLED AND TOLD ME EVERYTHING.

IT SOUNDS LIKE IT'S GOTTEN PRETTY SCARY.

WHICH IS WHY WE NEED TO STOP HIM.

BUT IN ORDER TO DO THAT, WE HAVE TO ELICIT A CONFESSION.

AND MAKE HIM BELIEVE WE HAVE PROOF FOR HIS CRIMES.

OKAY, BUT HOW CAN I HELP?

WELL, THE LAST PERSON TO BE SEEN WITH THAT MICROFILM

IN HER GRIMY LITTLE PAW WAS IVY DICKENS.

BUT HER CELL'S BEEN DISCONNECTED

AND SHE HASN'T BEEN SPOTTED ON "GOSSIP GIRL" FOR WEEKS.

SHE'S PROBABLY AT CeCe's HAMPTONS HOUSE.

THAT'S THE PLACE SHE WENT THE LAST TIME SHE DISAPPEARED.

WHY DON'T WE, UH, GET HER BACK HERE?

(clicks)

(phone rings)

(Ivy) Hello?

HEY, IVY. IT'S SERENA.

YEAH, I KNOW. I CAN AFFORD CALLER I.D.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN DOING SOME THINKING,

AND--AND I REALIZED THAT MY FAMILY TREATED YOU HORRIBLY.

TRUE. BUT WHY APOLOGIZE NOW?

I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS SINCE DAN HUMILIATED ME,

I HAVE A NEW APPRECIATION FOR FRIENDSHIP.

SO WHY DON'T WE MET AT THE OAK ROOM AROUND NOON?

AND, UH, WE CAN CHAT OVER LUNCH.

(sighs) FINE.

AND THERE ARE SOME THINGS I WANNA TALK TO YOU ABOUT AS WELL.

GREAT. BYE.

(beep)

SHE'S IN.

(beep)

HEY, WILLIAM, I MIGHT NOT BE HERE WHEN YOU GET BACK.

BUT YOU'LL BE EXCITED TO KNOW THAT

YOUR DAUGHTER AND I ARE WORKING ON SMOOTHING THINGS OVER.

(beep)

(chuckles)

PER YOUR INSTRUCTIONS, I SWIPED CHUCK'S PHONE.

WELL DONE, GRASSHOPPER.

HE HAD BREAKFAST WITH BLAIR AT ROSEMARY THIS MORNING

AND HAS A HOTEL MANAGEMENT MEETING LATER THIS AFTERNOON.

ISN'T THIS GETTING A LITTLE BIT DULL FOR YOU?

MY ENNUI IS OF NO CONCERN TO YOU.

I WILL NOT BE CAUGHT OFF GUARD BY CHUCK'S ANTICS

WHILE I'M BEING FETED AT TONIGHT'S EVENT.

YEAH, FINE.

WELL, THE ONLY OTHER THING I NOTICED

WAS THAT HE CALLED IVY DICKENS A FEW TIMES.

(Minnaars) * YOU ARE NOT MY LOVER *

***

* SHE SETS ME ON FIRE

* SHE SETS ME ON FIRE

DON'T TRY TO TELL ME YOU A WANNA BE FRIENDS.

WE DON'T.

I CALLED YOU HERE UNDER FALSE PRETENSES.

WE NEED YOUR HELP WITH A MISSION WE HAVE AGAINST BART BASS.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I WAS LOCKED IN A ROOM WITH BART BASS. HE'S DANGEROUS.

YES, HE IS, AND YOU AGGRAVATED HIM

WITH YOUR TOPLESS ANTICS AND MISSING MICROFILM.

SO IF YOU EVER WANNA SAFELY RETURN TO NEW YORK,

HE NEEDS TO BE TAKEN CARE OF.

WELL, IF I KNEW HOW, I WOULD'VE DONE IT.

WE NEED YOU TO BE THE GOAT.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'VE NEVER STUDIED MEDIEVAL WARFARE.

WHEN THE BYZANTINES WANTED TO LURE A DRAGON FROM ITS CAVE,

THEY TIED A GOAT TO A STICK.

(scoffs) YOU WANNA TIE ME UP AND LEAVE ME SOMEWHERE?

IT'S A METAPHOR.

WE'RE GOING TO USE YOU

AND THE COPIES YOU MADE OF THE MICROFILM AS BAIT.

(door opens)

BUT I DIDN'T MAKE ANY COPIES.

(door closes)

AS FAR AS BART'S CONCERNED, YOU DID.

IT ALL WENT ACCORDING TO PLAN.

(cell phone ringing)

THAT'S PROBABLY BART CALLING YOU NOW.

START TALKING.

(beep)

I heard you're back in town. Where are you?

UM... (sighs) THE OAK ROOM.

AH. COINCIDENTALLY, I'M AROUND THE CORNER,

AND I HAVE TIME FOR A CHAT.

(beep)

(beep)

HE'S ON HIS WAY.

THE MICROFILM HAD THE RECORDS

OF BART'S ILLEGAL OIL TRADE.

(Blair) AS LONG AS YOU GET HIM TALKING,

HE'S BOUND TO SAY SOMETHING THAT LINKS HIM TO HIS CRIMES.

AND MAKE SURE TO RECORD EVERYTHING HE SAYS

ON YOUR PHONE.

* FIRE

NATHANIEL ARCHIBALD, YOU'RE UNDER ARREST FOR FRAUD.

(Nate) WAIT. WHAT?

(man) COME WITH ME, SIR.

(camera shutters clicking)

POOR NATE.

PLAYING THE DOUBLE AGENT GOT HIM INTO DOUBLE THE TROUBLE.

AND NOW THAT BART'S WISE TO THIS GUY,

THE QUESTION IS,

WHO WILL HE OUTSMART NEXT?

THANK YOU.

MY LAWYERS ARE DOING EVERYTHING IN THEIR POWER

TO HAVE HIM RELEASED AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY BART FIGURED OUT THAT NATE WAS PLAYING HIM.

AND THEN HE STARTED USING NATE AS HIS GOAT.

AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN'T STUDY BYZANTINE WARFARE?

HE THINKS HAVING NATE ARRESTED

WILL FORCE ME TO GO TO HIM TO MAKE A DEAL.

WELL, IF THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS, DON'T GIVE IN.

I'M NOT ABOUT TO LET NATE ROT IN JAIL.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE APARTMENT AND SEE WHAT HE PROPOSES.

WILL YOU GO WITH HIM?

BART'S LESS LIKELY TO PULL ANYTHING

IF SOMEONE ELSE IS ON THE PREMISES.

OF COURSE. CHUCK?

AFTER YOU.

WELL, THAT'S MY CUE TO LEAVE, TOO.

NOT SO FAST.

YOU ARE NOT GOING ANYWHERE. WE MIGHT NEED YOU AS LEVERAGE.

YOU'RE COMING WITH ME.

SO... WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, DANIEL?

WELL, UM...

I HAVE--I'VE FOUND AN APARTMENT THAT I'M INTERESTED IN BUYING.

RECENTLY, I'VE HAD SOME... (sighs) TROUBLE

LENDING MONEY TO MY SON'S FRIENDS.

NO. (chuckles) NO, I'M NOT HERE FOR A LOAN.

FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, IN FACT, I HAVE PLENTY OF MONEY.

BUT I NEED A SPONSOR TO VOUCH FOR ME FOR THE CO-OP BOARD,

AND I KNOW YOUR NAME CARRIES A LOT OF WEIGHT

IN NEW YORK REAL ESTATE.

WELL, UNLIKE MY SON, IT'S NICE TO SEE

SOMEONE RECOGNIZES MY STATURE IN THIS TOWN.

YOU COULDN'T FIND A BETTER SPONSOR

THAN NEW YORK REAL ESTATE'S MAN OF THE YEAR.

THAT'S RIGHT. I HEAR CONGRATULATIONS ARE IN ORDER.

THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN ASSIGNED A REPORTER TO DO A PROFILE ON ME

IN CONJUNCTION WITH THE EVENT.

MAYBE YOU WOULD LIKE THE OPPORTUNITY INSTEAD?

PROFILES ARE MY SPECIALTY.

GOOD. THEN IT'S SETTLED.

YOU WRITE NICE THINGS ABOUT ME,

I'LL WRITE YOU A GREAT RECOMMENDATION.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I HAVE SOME... FAMILY BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO.

BUT I LOOK FORWARD TO WORKING WITH YOU.

I'M--I'M GLAD TO SEE YOU.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO REACH YOU SINCE THANKSGIVING.

OH, YEAH, AND I'VE BEEN IGNORING YOUR CALLS,

YOUR E-MAILS, AND YOUR TEXTS.

SERENA, PLEASE. JUST LET ME EXPLAIN.

EXPLAIN WHAT? THAT YOU'RE BEST FRIENDS WITH BART BASS?

CONGRATULATIONS. YOU'VE OFFICIALLY JOINED THE DARK SIDE.

OKAY, I'M HERE. I KNOW THAT'S WHY YOU HAD NATE ARRESTED.

SO TELL ME, WHAT'S IT GONNA TAKE TO GET YOU TO DROP THE CHARGES?

IT'S QUITE SIMPLE, ACTUALLY.

STOP YOUR WITCH HUNT

AND LEAVE NEW YORK FOR MOSCOW TONIGHT... ALONE.

MOSCOW? AS IN RUSSIA?

IT'S A LOVELY PLACE.

REAL ESTATE MARKET IS BOOMING.

LOTS OF OPPORTUNITIES

FOR A YOUNG ENTREPRENEUR LIKE YOURSELF.

AND HOW LONG DO YOU EXPECT ME TO LIVE IN EXILE?

FOREVER.

YOU CAN NEVER COME BACK TO NEW YORK.

THAT'S NOT A DEAL.

THAT'S A DIFFERENT KIND OF PRISON SENTENCE.

I WILL FIND ANOTHER WAY TO GET NATE OUT OF JAIL.

THERE IS NO OTHER WAY.

DON'T YOU GET IT?

I'M VERY CLOSE FRIENDS WITH THE POLICE COMMISSIONER.

THE ONLY PERSON WHO CAN GET NATE OUT OF JAIL

IS ME.

WE'LL SEE HOW POWERFUL YOU ARE

WHEN YOU ARE LOCKED INSIDE WITH HIM.

IF YOU WANT TO GO TO CHUCK, GO.

YOU CAN TRUST ME.

YOU WERE RIGHT. I NEED TO HELP YOU GET RID OF BART

IF I WANNA COME BACK TO NEW YORK

TO BE WITH THE MAN THAT I LOVE.

WE HAVE A PACT, JUST LIKE YOU AND CHUCK.

RUFUS?

WHAT KIND OF COCKAMAMIE LOVE PACT DID YOU MAKE WITH RUFUS?

IT'S NOT RUFUS,

ALTHOUGH I'M NOT AT LIBERTY TO NAME NAMES AT THIS TIME.

(deadpan) REALLY?

(cell phone alert chimes)

'CAUSE I'M JUST DYING TO KNOW.

(beep)

(gasps) OH, NO.

THE SAMPLES JUST CAME IN AND THEY ARE A DISASTER.

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE ATELIER.

DON'T ANSWER YOUR PHONE UNLESS IT'S ME,

AND DO NOT MOVE OFF THAT COUCH.

DOROTA WILL BE ABLE TO TELL

IF THERE ARE FRESH FOOTPRINTS ON THE AUBUSSON.

I SAW YOUR PICTURE ALL OVER THE NEWS.

WHAT HAPPENED?

BART FIGURED OUT I WAS PLAYING BOTH SIDES,

AND THIS IS HIS WAY OF RETALIATING.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

WELL... BETTER NOW THAT YOU'RE HERE.

TMZ LEAKED YOUR MUG SHOT,

AND YOU ACTUALLY LOOK PRETTY CUTE.

WELL, CUTE IS GONNA HELP ME NOW.

I SPOKE WITH CHUCK'S LAWYERS,

AND THEY HAVEN'T MADE ANY PROGRESS

IN GETTING ME OUT ON BAIL.

WELL, I KNOW YOU DON'T TRUST YOUR GRANDFATHER

OR ANYONE FROM THE VAN DER BILT SIDE OF THE FAMILY,

SO I CALLED SOMEONE

WHO HAS SOME EXPERIENCE WITH THIS KIND OF SITUATION.

DAD?

WHY ARE YOU STOPPING?

(singsongy) HELLO?! ARE YOU DEAF?

WILL YOU GIVE ME A HAND SIGNAL?

I-I SPEAK FLUENT SIGN.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!

TAKING YOU FOR A LITTLE RIDE.

(doors lock)

LOOKING FOR ME?

WHERE'S BLAIR?

SHE TEXTED ME AND SAID SHE'S HERE.

IF YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING...

BLAIR IS FINE, OKAY?

SHE'S UPSTAIRS IN THE ATELIER, UNHARMED.

SHE'S FINE

BECAUSE I DECIDED SHE COULD BE FINE.

MAYBE NEXT TIME I MAKE A DIFFERENT DECISION.

SO PERHAPS YOU'D LIKE TO...

RECONSIDER MY EARLIER OFFER?

ARE YOU THREATENING BLAIR WITH PHYSICAL HARM?

ME? NO.

I WOULDN'T HURT A FLY.

BUT I'M NOT GOD.

I CAN'T HELP IT IF ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

THIS FIGHT IS BETWEEN ME AND YOU.

LEAVE EVERYONE ELSE OUT OF IT.

IF YOU WANT YOUR BEST FRIEND TO GET OUT OF JAIL,

YOUR STEPMOTHER TO ENJOY HER HAPPY MARRIAGE,

YOUR GIRLFRIEND TO CONTINUE MAKING

HER PRETTY LITTLE DRESSES...

THEN A NEW LIFE ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD

IS YOUR ONLY OPTION.

THE BASS JET IS WAITING ON THE TARMAC.

GO TO MOSCOW TONIGHT,

THEN EVERYONE YOU LOVE

WILL BE SAFE.

I SPOKE TO YOUR LAWYERS.

THE JUDGE IS REFUSING TO SET BAIL.

THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING.

YOU'RE CLEARLY BEING VICTIMIZED

BECAUSE OF THE MISTAKES I'VE MADE IN THE PAST.

NOW DON'T WORRY. IT'LL ALL GET SORTED OUT.

NO, IT WON'T, DAD.

I DID IT. I'M GUILTY.

NATE.

YOU'VE ALWAYS DONE THE RIGHT THING.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'D DO SOMETHING LIKE THIS.

ALTHOUGH, AFTER THE EXAMPLE I SET FOR YA,

I SUPPOSE I ONLY HAVE MYSELF TO BLAME.

THIS WAS ALL ME.

I FUDGED THE NUMBERS TO TRY AND SAVE "THE SPECTATOR."

SO YOU SLIPPED.

YOU'VE ALWAYS STOOD BY ME. IT'S MY TURN TO STAND BY YOU.

WE'LL GO TO THE LENDER, EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO THEM,

PAY THEM WHATEVER YOU OWE.

THEY'LL DROP THE CHARGES.

NO.

THE ONLY PERSON THAT CAN DROP THE CHARGES IS BART BASS,

AND HE WON'T BUDGE.

DOROTA, THE SAMPLES WERE PRISTINE.

IT WAS A FALSE ALARM--

MERELY BART BASS FANNING THE FLAMES.

SO MAKE SURE THAT IVY'S ASS STAYS GLUED

TO THAT COUCH CUSHION.

UGH!

YES, THIS IS BLAIR WALDORF.

APPARENTLY, MY TOWN CAR HAS BEEN ABSCONDED

BY A RUTHLESS BILLIONAIRE.

SO IF YOU'D PLEASE SEND ANOTHER--

PREFERABLY WITH A DIFFERENT, LESS DEVIOUS DRIVER...

NO. NO, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I'M NOT STILL IN THE CAR. I'M RIGHT HERE.

WHY? WHERE'D IT GO?

THANK YOU.

YOU SEEM ENGROSSED.

OH, I AM.

NORMALLY, I DON'T GO FOR...

ROMANCE NOVELS, BUT, UH...

THE WAY YOU DESCRIBE SERENA...

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

A PACKAGE CAME THIS AFTERNOON.

THINKING IT WAS YOUR PROFILE ON ME, I OPENED IT.

YEAH, WELL, UH,

I WROTE TWO VERSIONS OF THE SERENA CHAPTER,

AND THAT'S-- THAT'S THE NICE ONE.

I PREFER THE NASTY ONE YOU PUBLISHED.

I'M NOT SURE THAT WAS THE BEST DECISION.

WHY NOT?

WHEN I WAS STAYING HERE WITH SERENA, I...

(chuckles) DO YOU WANNA HEAR THIS?

MM-HMM.

I WAS TRYING TO MAKE HER FALL IN LOVE WITH ME

SO I COULD WRITE THE ULTIMATE EXPOSE

BRINGING DOWN THE GOLDEN GIRL.

BUT WHILE I WAS BUSY TRYING TO WIN HER AFFECTIONS,

I REALIZED I WAS STILL IN LOVE WITH HER.

AND WROTE THIS NONSENSE.

I WOULD'VE PUBLISHED IT, TOO, BUT, UH,

BUT ON THANKSGIVING, I REALIZED THAT SERENA WAS...

NEVER GONNA TAKE ME SERIOUSLY

UNLESS I COULD SHOW HER THAT I WASN'T AFRAID OF HER,

THAT I DIDN'T THINK SHE WAS BETTER THAN ME.

BRAVO.

YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

YEAH, BUT SHE WON'T SPEAK TO ME NOW.

LET YOUR FATHER

SERVE AS A CAUTIONARY TALE, DANIEL.

HE'S SITTING OVER THERE IN BROOKLYN ALONE,

WHILE I'M HERE MARRIED TO LILY.

SERENA RESPECTS YOU NOW,

EVEN IF SHE DOESN'T KNOW IT.

YOU STAY THE COURSE, SHE WILL COME AROUND IN TIME.

THAT WAS THE IDEA, BUT IT'S, UH,

IT'S TAKING A LITTLE LONGER THAN I EXPECTED.

WELL...

HOPEFULLY, YOU HAVE A FEW MORE DAYS

UNTIL SHE MOVES TO LOS ANGELES.

LOS ANGELES?

(chuckles)

CHUCK!

STOP! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I COULDN'T LIVE WITH MYSELF IF ANYTHING HAPPENED TO YOU.

BUT I'M FINE.

BECAUSE I'M LEAVING.

IT'S A SMALL PRICE TO PAY FOR YOUR SAFETY.

BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE SAFE.

I WANNA BE WITH YOU.

COME ON. LET'S GO TOGETHER. I'LL HAVE DOROTA SEND MY THINGS.

BLAIR, I CAN'T.

I HAVE TO GO ALONE.

I MADE A DEAL. THOSE WERE MY FATHER'S TERMS.

JUST HAVE FAITH IN ME,

THIS ONE LAST TIME.

BUT I-I'VE WAITED TOO LONG. I NEED TO BE WITH YOU NOW.

BLAIR, TRUST ME.

LETTING ME GO IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO.

NO.

(voice breaks) DON'T GET ON THE PLANE.

BART HAS ALREADY HURT SO MANY PEOPLE.

I KNOW WHAT MY FATHER'S CAPABLE OF,

BUT HE WOULD NEVER TRY TO KILL HIS OWN SON.

THEN...

DO ONE THING BEFORE YOU GO.

KISS ME, CHUCK BASS.

I HAVE CALLED YOU ALL HERE BECAUSE YOU ARE

THE MOST CONNIVING GROUP OF SCAMMERS AND SCHEMERS

THAT I KNOW.

AND, SERENA, YOU'RE MY BEST FRIEND,

THANKS FOR CLARIFYING.

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY GEORGINA'S HERE, THOUGH.

YOU CAN'T HAVE AN EVIL CABAL WITHOUT THE QUEEN OF CON.

AND FRANKLY, I SHOULD'VE BEEN GIVEN MORE NOTICE.

YOU LOST YOUR ROYAL STATUS WHEN I TOOK YOUR PHONE AT COTILLION.

HA. PHONE STEALING? SERIOUSLY?

THAT'S THE TRAINING BRA OF TREACHERY.

ENOUGH!

IF I WANTED INFIGHTING, I WOULD'VE CALLED MY MINIONS.

NOW I NEED HER HERE. I NEED YOU ALL HERE

TO USE YOUR DASTARDLY SKILLS TO TAKE DOWN BART BASS.

YEAH, BUT LAST TIME WE DID THAT, NATE ENDED UP IN JAIL.

DO YOU WANT TO GO BACK TO BEING THE GOAT

OR LEND YOUR IMPERSONATION PROWESS TO MY PLAN?

BLAIR, ARE YOU SURE CHUCK WOULD WANT YOU INVOLVED IN HIS WAR?

IT'S NOT HIS CHOICE.

NOW I WANT YOU ALL TO GET BART TALKING.

AND RECORD HIM ON YOUR PHONES.

WE'LL MERGE YOUR MASTER MANIPULATIONS,

YOUR WANTON DISREGARD FOR AUTHORITY,

AND YOUR BRILLIANCE AT PLAYING DUMB.

BART BASS MAY BE ABLE TO FOOL THE FBI,

BUT HE HAS NEVER HAD TO FACE OFF AGAINST

BLAIR WALDORF AND HER BITCHES.

***

(camera shutter clicks)

(man) * EVERYWHERE I LOOK I SEE YOU *

* IN THE AIR

* GOT IN YOUR SKIN

* AND CURLS OF YOUR HAIR

BART, HEY.

MY MOM WANTED ME TO TELL YOU SHE'S SO SORRY SHE CAN'T BE HERE

TO CELEBRATE YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.

WELL, ALL...

ALL THIS DOES SEEM RATHER IMPRESSIVE, DOESN'T IT?

(chuckles) YEAH.

HEY, MAYBE YOU CAN SHOW HER THE SLIDE SHOW WHEN SHE RETURNS.

I'M SURE SHE'D LOVE TO SEE YOUR TRAVELS.

***

IS EVERYTHING OKAY?

I DON'T REMEMBER APPROVING THAT SLIDE.

WELL, OBVIOUSLY SOMEONE LIKES IT. (chuckles)

OBVIOUSLY, THERE'S A GLITCH IN THE SYSTEM.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME...

***

HAVE YOU GOTTEN THIS EVENING'S PROGRAM?

YOU LOOK EVEN MORE DASHING IN IT THAN YOU DO IN PERSON.

WELL, AT LEAST THEY FOLLOWED MY INSTRUCTIONS

REGARDING THIS PART OF THE PRESENTATION.

TELL ME THE TRUTH,

DO YOU TRADE ON YOUR GOOD LOOKS TO GET ALL YOUR ADORING DONORS?

HOW DID YOU GET LADY ALEXANDER TO GIVE SO MUCH,

AND TWICE ON SUNDAYS--

I BET SHE REALLY PUT YOU THROUGH YOUR PACES.

DID YOU GIVE THIS TO ANYONE ELSE?

NO.

OH.

UNLESS YOU COUNT EVERYBODY HERE.

WHATEVER IT IS YOU'RE TRYING TO PULL,

I'M PUTTING A STOP TO IT.

***

(cell phone rings)

***

(beep)

***

GREAT JOB ON STEALING THE DEAD GUY'S PHONE.

NOW JUST KEEP CALLING BART UNTIL HE CRACKS.

I'M GONNA START PHASE TWO.

(beep)

(Serena) YEAH, I KNOW.

SERENA, THERE YOU ARE.

DAN. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

OH, WAIT! I FORGOT.

YOU'RE HONORING YOUR NEW MENTOR BART BASS.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I NEED TO BE ANYWHERE BUT HERE.

JUST TELL ME IF YOU ARE REALLY LEAVING TOWN.

WHAT DO YOU CARE? YOU CAN JUST AS EASILY

WRITE DESPICABLE THINGS ABOUT ME FROM AFAR.

I KNOW YOU'RE MAD,

BUT THAT CHAPTER'S NOT THE ONLY THING I'VE WRITTEN ABOUT YOU.

THE--THE MOST FLATTERING THINGS I'VE WRITTEN ABOUT ANYONE

HAVE BEEN ABOUT YOU, TOO.

OH, OKAY, THAT WAS FIVE YEARS AGO.

SINCE THEN, I'VE BEEN

THE EMPTY-HEADED BLONDE IN "INSIDE,"

AND--AND THE GOLDEN GIRL WITH DADDY ISSUES IN "INSIDE OUT."

YOUR WRITING CHANGED, AND SO DID YOU.

THAT'S NO REASON TO LEAVE YOUR ENTIRE WORLD BEHIND.

MY WORLD TURNED YOU FROM A PERSON WITH INTEGRITY

INTO A CRUEL SATIRIST.

I MEAN, YOU'RE WORSE THAN GOSSIP GIRL.

AT LEAST SHE HAS A CONSCIENCE.

NO MATTER WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE, I'M STILL ON YOUR SIDE, SERENA.

I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN.

YEAH, WELL, EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T WAIT AROUND

TO BE DISAPPOINTED AGAIN.

I'M MOVING TO L.A.

JUST AS SOON AS I'M DONE HELPING BLAIR WITH BART,

WHICH... YOU SHOULD BE DOING, TOO, BUT YOU'RE ON HIS SIDE.

HIRE MORE STAFF IF YOU HAVE TO.

I WILL NOT BE EMBARRASSED AT MY OWN PARTY.

OKAY.

EXCUSE ME, SIR. WOULD YOU LIKE A COCKTAIL?

WE HAVE A LOVELY SUDANESE VODKA.

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

JUST A WAITRESS TRYING TO SERVE YOU A DRINK,

WHICH YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD USE.

LILY DESTROYED WHAT WAS INSIDE OF THIS ALREADY.

HMM. OR DID I MAKE COPIES?

YOU NEVER KNOW WHICH ONE OF THESE

HAS WHAT YOU'RE LOOKING FOR.

(I Am in Love's "Buccaneer Mastery/London II")

(glass clatters)

BART?

THERE YOU ARE.

PERHAPS YOU REMEMBER MY VERY SPECIAL GUEST

IMAN HASSAN?

YOU DID SOME OIL DEALINGS WITH HER FATHER.

IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YOU, IMAN.

ALTHOUGH I NEVER DID ANY BUSINESS WITH YOUR FATHER.

WE WERE SIMPLY GOOD FRIENDS.

WHO SHARED A LOVE OF HORSES.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

HOW IS HER DEAR LADY ALEXANDER

LIVING OUT HER DAYS AT YOUR HORSE FARM?

GRAZING AWAY HAPPILY, I SHOULD THINK.

I KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO MY HORSE.

DID YOU MURDER MY FATHER, TOO?

***

I LOVED YOUR FATHER LIKE A BROTHER.

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

***

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US, IMAN...

(beep)

WE NEED A MOMENT.

OH. TELL SECURITY WHERE I AM.

I WOULDN'T WANT TO GO MYSTERIOUSLY MISSING.

***

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO DOING

WITH THE ENVELOPES AND THE PHONY PHONE CALLS.

I'VE SEEN "A CHRISTMAS CAROL."

THE CLASSIC TALE

OF MISDEEDS HAUNTING A MAN WHO DIDN'T REMEDY THEM.

YOU KNOW, I'VE ALWAYS FELT THAT SCROOGE WAS UNFAIRLY MALIGNED.

HE SIMPLY EXPECTED PEOPLE TO ACT LIKE ADULTS.

(woman) AND IN OTHER NEWS...

THERE IS NO SANTA CLAUS, MS. WALDORF.

...OWNED AND OPERATED BY BASS INDUSTRIES.

THE G2 WAS REPORTED MISSING OFF THE COAST OF MAINE.

WAIT. TURN THAT UP.

SURE.

THE COAST GUARD IS INVESTIGATING THE AREA

WHERE THE PLANE WENT OFF THE RADAR

AFTER SENDING A MAYDAY SIGNAL.

OH, NO.

I HOPE THAT WASN'T THE ONE CHUCK WAS ON.

AT PRESENT, THERE WAS NO COMMUNICATION FROM THE PLANE.

A SEARCH AND RESCUE OPERATION IS CURRENTLY UNDERWAY

TO IDENTIFY VICTIMS.

(amplified voice) GOOD EVENING. MY NAME IS JASON POMERANC,

AND I'M THE CHAIRMAN AND FOUNDER OF THOMPSON HOTELS.

I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME YOU ALL

TO NEW YORK REAL ESTATE'S MAN OF THE YEAR AWARD.

(applause)

THAT'S MY CUE.

THE EXACT NUMBER OF PASSENGERS ABOARD THE PLANE

IS STILL UNCERTAIN.

WE'LL BRING YOU MORE INFORMATION

AS IT BECOMES AVAILABLE.

AND IN OTHER NEWS...

(Jason) BART BASS HAS BEEN A BOON TO MANHATTAN'S SKYLINE.

(camera shutter clicking)

TO TRULY INTRODUCE HIM PROPERLY,

IT'S MY HONOR TO PRESENT

THE NUMBER ONE CHRONICLER OF MANHATTAN'S ELITE--

MR. DANIEL HUMPHREY.

(applause)

(amplified voice) I WOULD LIKE TO INTRODUCE

AN ICON OF NEW YORK REAL ESTATE AND A PILLAR OF OUR COMMUNITY.

HE IS THE CENTER OF THE BASS FAMILY

AND HE'S A PERSONAL INSPIRATION TO ME.

PLEASE WELCOME

CHARLES BASS.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

MY FATHER IS BEING HONORED HERE AS A HUMANITARIAN,

BUT THE LAST TIME I CHECKED,

HUMANITARIANS VALUE HUMAN LIFE...

AND HE JUST TRIED TO HAVE HIS OWN SON KILLED.

(guests murmuring)

ISN'T THAT WHY YOU LOOK SO SURPRISED?

YOU PUT ME ON THAT PLANE TO DIE?

(murmuring continues)

(Gossip Girl) LOOKS LIKE CHUCK FOUND THE EMERGENCY EXIT

AT 10,000 FEET.

LET'S HOPE HE CAN AVOID GOING SIX FEET UNDER... AGAIN.

(murmuring)

(amplified voice) I WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR MY SON'S OUTBURST.

AS MANY OF YOU HERE KNOW,

HE HAS LONG STRUGGLED WITH SUBSTANCE ABUSE.

I HAVE ALREADY CONTACTED THE PEDOWITZ INSTITUTE,

AND I CAN ONLY HOPE THAT HE WILL ACCEPT

THE HELP THAT HE SO DESPERATELY NEEDS.

PLEASE, LET'S NOT LET HIM RUIN THIS OTHERWISE FESTIVE EVENING.

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

***

(applause)

***

I OVERESTIMATED YOU.

YOU'RE JUST LUCKY THAT SECURITY IS GETTING CHUCK

HOME TO HIS SUITE BEFORE HE CAN DO ANY MORE DAMAGE.

AT LEAST YOU KNOW CHUCK'S OKAY.

I STILL DESPISE YOU,

BUT THANK YOU FOR DOING THE RIGHT THING FOR ONCE.

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND. DO YOU KNOW WHERE SERENA WENT?

WHY WOULD I TELL YOU, EVEN IF I DID?

SO YOU CAN CON HER INTO FALLING IN LOVE WITH YOU

AND HUMILIATE HER AGAIN?

NO, I WAS HOPING AFTER MY SPEECH THAT

MAYBE SHE WOULD CHANGE HER MIND ABOUT ME AND ABOUT LEAVING TOWN.

I REALLY HOPE THAT YOU'RE REFERRING TO A VACATION SPOT

TOO ELITE FOR THE LIKES OF YOU.

NO, I'M TALKING ABOUT L.A., FOR GOOD.

I RETRACT EVERYTHING CIVIL I JUST SAID.

THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

IF SERENA MOVES AWAY,

I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU, HUMPHREY.

I THINK IT'S TERRIFIC, AND I THANK YOU SO MUCH.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LET ME GUESS.

PRISON OVERCROWDING,

OR DID THEY LET THE BOTH OF YOU OUT ON GOOD BEHAVIOR?

MY SON NEVER SHOULD'VE BEEN BEHIND BARS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

BUT LOOK AT HOW THE TWO OF YOU HAVE BONDED OVER IT,

SO YOU'RE WELCOME.

OKAY, YOU'VE HAD YOUR FUN.

NOW WHAT WILL IT TAKE

FOR YOU TO GET YOUR NAME OFF MY LOAN DOCUMENT

SO I CAN OWN MY PAPER AGAIN?

SEE, THAT'S THE PROBLEM WITH THIS GENERATION.

THEY'RE SO ENTITLED. THEY DON'T EVEN SAY "PLEASE."

NATE WORKED HIS ASS OFF TO BUILD THAT PAPER.

HE NEVER ASKED YOU TO COSIGN FOR HIM

AND HE'S NOT ASKING FOR CHARITY NOW.

WE'LL PAY WHATEVER IT'S WORTH.

A MILLION DOLLARS.

DONE.

I'M KIDDING. IT'S NOT FOR SALE.

THE AMOUNT OF ENJOYMENT I PLAN ON GETTING WATCHING NATE SQUIRM?

PRICELESS.

COME ON, BART.

DON'T DO THIS TO MY KID.

ENJOY YOURSELVES TONIGHT, ARCHIBALDS.

DRINKS ARE ON ME.

PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU ARE HEADING HOME

TO GET A GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP AFTER A TRYING DAY

AND NOT PICKING UP YOUR BAGS AND GOING TO THE AIRPORT.

I'M SORRY, BLAIR. YOU KNOW I'M TERRIBLE AT GOOD-BYES.

WELL, I WON'T LET YOU SAY ONE NOW.

I KNOW THAT THINGS ARE BAD,

BUT THEY'RE NEVER AS BAD AS YOU THINK.

YOU WERE THE ONE WHO TAUGHT ME THAT.

DO YOU REMEMBER JUNIOR YEAR,

WHEN I WAS STANDING OUT ON THAT HELIPAD,

READY TO FLEE TO EUROPE

AFTER MY "WHO'S THE DADDY?" PREGNANCY SCANDAL?

AND YOU WEREN'T EVEN PREGNANT.

(laughs)

YOU KNOW, WE CAN LAUGH ABOUT IT NOW BECAUSE...

YOU DIDN'T LET ME GO.

YOU TOLD ME THAT THE SCANDAL ALWAYS PASSES,

AND SO WILL DAN'S EXPOSE.

NOT AS LONG AS I LIVE HERE.

IN LOS ANGELES, NO ONE CARES IF I DATE THE WRONG GUY.

I MEAN, THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING I DO.

I HAVE THE CHANCE TO REINVENT MYSELF.

REINVENTION IS FOR STARLETS FROM TRAILER PARKS

WHO WANT TO BE YOU.

SERIOUSLY, DO YOU KNOW

HOW FEW FRIENDSHIPS MAKE IT OUT OF HIGH SCHOOL?

WE FINALLY GOT TO THE GOOD PART. YOU CAN'T LEAVE NOW.

BUT YOU WERE THE ONE THAT SAID

WE'RE BETTER WHEN WE HAVE OUR OWN TERRITORIES.

REMEMBER PARIS? RIGHT BANK, LEFT BANK?

WELL, THEN MOVE TO THE WEST SIDE AND WE'LL MEET IN CENTRAL PARK!

AND WHEN WE DO,

THERE WILL BE ENOUGH LIGHT FOR BOTH OF US TO SHINE.

YEAH, BUT I'D STILL BE LIVING IN MY OWN SHADOW.

I HAVE TO GO.

BUT...

THERE'S NO SARABETH'S IN L.A.

OR SERENDIPITY.

OR ME.

PLEASE JUST THINK ABOUT IT.

(beep)

(Chuck) Leave a message, and I'll listen to it.

HEY, IT'S ME. WHY AREN'T YOU ANSWERING YOUR PHONE?

(beep)

THANK YOU FOR WAITING.

I HAD NO CHOICE. YOUR GUARDS LOCKED ME OUT.

I WANTED FOR US TO HAVE A CHANCE TO TALK PRIVATELY.

(beep)

YOU KNOW, I KNEW YOU WERE COLD AND RUTHLESS,

BUT I NEVER THOUGHT YOU'D TRY TO KILL YOUR OWN SON.

WE HAD A DEAL.

YOUR FRIEND IS OUT OF JAIL.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE ON A PLANE TO RUSSIA.

YOU NEVER INTENDED FOR ME TO MAKE IT TO MOSCOW.

YOU ARRANGED FOR THE PILOT TO PARACHUTE TO SAFETY

WHILE I WAS LEFT TO DIE ON THE PLANE.

YOU HAVE ALWAYS HAD

A WONDERFULLY VIVID IMAGINATION.

BUT I WARNED YOU EARLIER...

ACCIDENTS CAN HAPPEN.

WE SHOULD WORK TOGETHER MORE OFTEN.

I'M JUST OVER CODDLING CREATIVE TYPES.

THERE'S A WHOLE UNTAPPED NICHE IN SCHEMERS FOR HIRE.

HAVE YOU SEEN CHUCK?

BART SAID THAT SECURITY TOOK HIM HOME,

BUT I CALLED NATE.

CHUCK'S NOT THERE AND HE'S NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE.

WELL, HE'S HERE SOMEWHERE. HE HASN'T LEFT THE BUILDING.

HOW DO YOU KNOW?

THE SECURITY GUARDS AT THE EXITS ARE UNDER STRICT INSTRUCTIONS

TO INFORM US OF ALL BASS DEPARTURES.

I HAVE MY WAYS OF INSURING THEIR LOYALTY.

WHERE'S BART?

LAST TIME I SAW HIM, HE WAS GETTING ON THE ELEVATOR.

ALL I'VE BEEN TRYING TO DO FOR THE PAST TWO YEARS

IS JUST...

BUILD SOMETHING THAT I CAN BE PROUD OF.

INSTEAD, I LOST IT,

AND MY REPUTATION AND...

MOST OF MY TRUST FUND.

SORRY I WASN'T THERE FOR YOU SOONER, SON.

JUST NEVER WANTED YOU TO END UP LIKE ME.

HEY.

(pats knee)

YOU DIDN'T END UP SO BAD.

WHATEVER YOU DECIDE TO SET YOUR MIND TO NEXT,

I KNOW YOU CAN ACHIEVE IT.

THANKS, DAD.

(glasses clink)

(sets down glass)

HEY.

HI.

YOUR DAD'S RIGHT, YOU KNOW.

YOU C START OVER.

WHEN I FIRST MET YOU,

YOU HAD THE PERFECT STORY TO GET NEW YORK'S ATTENTION.

(scoffs) WHAT, GOSSIP GIRL'S IDENTITY?

I PROMISED HER I'D STOP LOOKING

AFTER SHE HELPED FIND SERENA.

WHO KNEW SHE WAS PERFECTLY FINE.

SHE SET YOU UP TO PROTECT HERSELF.

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO LOSE

BY GOING THROUGH YOUR RESEARCH ONE MORE TIME?

(Ellie Goulding's "Hanging On" playing)

NOTHING ANYMORE.

IN FACT, I, UH...

I BROUGHT IT HOME

SO THAT NO ONE AT "THE SPECTATOR" WOULD FIND IT.

* OOH, AHH

OH!

GARCON, WHERE ARE THE STAIRS?

THE ELEVATORS ARE TAKING FOREVER.

* OOH, AHH

***

(scoffs) WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? AND WITH A SUITCASE?

I GOT AN APARTMENT IN THE BUILDING.

WHAT?

I FINALLY REALIZED WHERE I WANNA BE,

AND IT'S HERE, WHERE YOU ARE.

WHERE I USED TO BE.

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN BEING ANYWHERE AROUND HERE ANYMORE.

I DON'T BELIEVE THAT.

YOU RUN AWAY TO--TO SPAIN,

UPSTATE, BOARDING SCHOOL, SANTORINI.

YOU ALWAYS COME BACK.

WELL, THAT WAS THEN.

THAT WAS BEFORE I KNEW

WHAT THIS PLACE COULD DO TO PEOPLE,

BEFORE I SAW IT TURN YOU INTO BART BASS.

I'M NOT BART.

BUT WHAT'S WRONG WITH WANTING POWER? YOU HAVE IT.

MAYBE IF YOU STOPPED HATING IT, YOU'D STOP HATING YOURSELF.

THEN YOU CAN FINALLY BE HAPPY WHERE--WHERE YOU BELONG.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I HAVE NO INTEREST IN BEING PSYCHOANALYZED

BY MY EVIL BIOGRAPHER.

SERENA, I KNOW I'VE HURT YOU, BUT I STILL LOVE YOU.

I'VE LOST TRACK OF IT AT TIMES.

I'VE MADE MISTAKES--

I'VE MADE MASSIVE, HEARTBREAKING MISTAKES--

BUT I'VE NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU.

WELL, EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T FALL FOR THAT, OR YOU, EVER AGAIN.

PLEASE, JUST...

IF YOU COME UPSTAIRS FOR A SECOND,

I HAVE SOMETHING I CAN SHOW YOU THAT'LL PROVE IT.

I'VE SEEN ALL I NEED TO SEE.

I HAVE A PLANE WAITING.

* I JUST CAN'T KEEP HANGING ON

* TO YOU AND ME

* YOU AND ME

***

* YOU AND ME

***

TELL ME...

DID YOU TRY TO HAVE ME KILLED

BECAUSE YOU HATE ME SO MUCH

OR BECAUSE I KNOW TOO MUCH?

YOU KNOW, NO MATTER HOW HARD I HAVE TRIED

TO TURN YOU INTO A MAN,

IT STILL REMAINS THE ONE BIG FAILURE OF MY LIFE.

YOU'RE NOT A MAN.

A MAN ACCEPTS RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS ACTIONS.

A MAN TAKES CARE OF HIS FAMILY.

A MAN DOESN'T PAY A MOTHER TO ABANDON HER CHILD

AND THEN TELL THAT CHILD HIS MOTHER IS DEAD.

A MAN DOESN'T TRY TO HAVE HIS OWN SON KILLED!

BUT YOU CAN TELL THE POLICE WHAT KIND OF A MAN YOU ARE.

YOUR NAIVETE IS ADORABLE.

EVEN IF I DIDN'T HAVE

THE POLICE COMMISSIONER IN MY POCKET,

WHO DO YOU THINK THEY'RE GONNA BELIEVE?

HUH?

THE MAN OF THE YEAR

OR SOME SAD,

PATHETIC,

LITTLE BOY?!

UHH!

AAH! (gasps)

AAH! (grunts)

CHUCK...

GIVE ME YOUR HAND! (panting)

YOU KNOW I'M ALL TALK! I WOULD NEVER REALLY HURT YOU!

(panting) EVERYTHING YOU SAY IS A LIE!

CHARLES,

THIS ISN'T WHO YOU ARE.

(grunts) PLEASE, SON!

AAH!

(gasps)

COME ON. WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.