Original subtitles

GOSSIP GIRL HERE-- YOUR ONE AND ONLY SOURCE

INTO THE SCANDALOUS LIVES OF MANHATTAN'S ELITE.

(girl) "GOSSIP GIRL" SAYS YOUR DAD IS DATING

SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN. IS IT TRUE?

NOT FOR LONG.

(camera shutters clicking, audience gasps)

THIS ISN'T FASHION-FORWARD OR PROVOCATIVE.

IT'S EXPLOITATION, AND IT'S EMBARRASSING.

(Blair) NELLY YUKI TRASHED ME IN "WOMEN'S WEAR DAILY."

"CAN BLAIR WALDORF STEP INTO HER MOTHER'S SHOES,

OR IS HER ACHILLES' HEEL OF THE STRIPPER VARIETY?"

It's Jean Pierre. Your mother knows

you don't have orders from any buyers.

DID THIS REALLY HAPPEN-- YOU AND SERENA?

EVERY DIRTY DETAIL.

DID YOU WRITE ABOUT THAT NIGHT THAT WE WERE TOGETHER

AT THE CAMPBELL APARTMENT?

RELAX. I DIDN'T PUBLISH ANY OF THAT.

LAST YEAR, WHEN YOU HAD NO ONE, I WAS THERE FOR YOU.

I KINDA NEED YOU TO DO THE SAME FOR ME RIGHT NOW.

MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

(Rufus) WHEN IT COMES TO IVY, YOU'RE WAY OUT OF LINE.

SHE'S A KNOWN CON ARTIST.

SHE SWINDLED LILY AND HER ENTIRE FAMILY.

YOU NEED TO STOP STICKING YOUR NOSE IN

WHERE IT DOESN'T BELONG.

HE DIDN'T FAKE HIS DEATH FOR LILY OR ME.

HE DID IT SO HE COULD AVOID FEDERAL PRISON.

AND WHO AM I?

THAT'S A SECRET I'LL NEVER TELL.

YOU KNOW YOU LOVE ME.

X.O.X.O., GOSSIP GIRL.

-- Captions by VITA --

(Gossip Girl) NEW DAY, NEW DEBS...

(Frank Ocean) * TOO MANY JOYRIDES IN DADDY'S JAGUAR *

ALL DRESSED UP TO ENTER HIGH SOCIETY.

* SUPER RICH KIDS

BUT ONE FASHION FAUX PAS,

AND THE DRESSING DOWN WILL LAST A LIFETIME.

WHY ARE YOU STILL CHEWING? TELL ME WHAT YOU THINK.

I THINK, UM, IT'S OLD SCHOOL,

NOT IN THE GOOD WAY. IN THE--IN THE LITERAL WAY,

LIKE WHAT OLD LADIES USED TO WEAR TO SCHOOL.

(scoffs) WELL, IT'S TRADITIONAL, AS AM I.

I NEED TO REMIND THE WORLD THAT I AM NOT

THE HYPERSEXUAL HEATHEN NELLY YUKI LABELED ME.

THERE'S TRADITIONAL, AND THERE'S MISSIONARY,

WHICH DOES NOT WORK FOR THE DRESS...

OR YOU, AS I RECALL.

* AROUND TOO MUCH

BEING POLITE DOES NOT MAKE ME A PRUDE.

SO WHY FIGHT YOUR RAUNCHY REPUTATION?

SHOCK VALUE IS WHAT GOT MY "INSIDE OUT" SERIAL ATTENTION.

WELL, MY AUDIENCE WAS TITILLATED

WHEN SAGE STRIPPED DOWN TO HER SKIVVIES.

* WHITE LINES

* SUPER RICH KIDS

GO. GET OUT OF HERE WITH YOUR HIGH NECKLINE

AND LOW HEMLINE. GO!

I HAVE A NEW VISION, AND I NEED A NEW MUSE.

(elevator bell dings, doors open)

AND I SUGGEST YOU REPLACE YOUR MUSE.

DON'T LET HER TOUCH ANYTHING.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY HOURS I'VE SPENT SEARCHING FOR YOU?

I HATE IT WHEN YOU PLAY HARD-TO-GET.

* OH, OH, OOH

(typing)

ARE THE PANCAKES OKAY? YOU CAN TELL ME

IF YOU DON'T LIKE MY COOKING.

NO, YOUR-- YOUR COOKING'S GREAT.

I JUST FORGOT THEY WERE THERE.

UH, LIKE ME? YOU'VE BARELY SAID A WORD TO ME ALL WEEK.

SORRY.

(clears throat)

(door closes in distance)

MMM!

I LOVE THEM-- YOU AND THE PANCAKES.

MMM.

I'M GETTING MY COTILLION DRESS REFITTED.

I LOST WEIGHT WITHOUT EVEN TRYING.

OH, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE COMING OUT TONIGHT?

(chuckles) NO ONE CALLS IT THAT ANYMORE.

WELL, IT'S STILL EXCITING.

LET ME KNOW IF YOU NEED HELP WITH YOUR PRESENTATION SPEECH

OR--OR ANY OF THE DANCE STEPS.

MY COTILLION ENDED UP BEING ONE OF THE BEST NIGHTS OF MY LIFE,

AND I'M SURE YOURS WILL BE, TOO.

ALL THIS GUSHING--

IT SEEMS LIKE SOMEONE'S ANGLING FOR AN INVITATION.

NO, I DON'T EXPECT TO BE INVITED.

COTILLION IS FOR A GIRL AND HER FAMILY.

IT IS.

UH, BUT NO.

NOT JUST FAMILY. I MEAN...

NOT FAMILY IN THE STRICTEST LEGAL SENSE.

I-I MEANT TO INVITE YOU.

IT MUST HAVE JUST SLIPPED MY MIND.

SO MUCH FOR BEING THE ONLY TEENAGER

ON MY FATHER'S ARM TONIGHT.

I'M SORRY. I'D LOVE FOR YOU TO BE THERE TONIGHT

IF IT'S NOT TOO LATE.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE FOR COTILLION.

GOOD, THEN I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

OKAY.

STAYING IN THIS ROOM

IS TRANSFORMING YOU INTO ITS PREVIOUS OCCUPANT--

A DIVA WHO IGNORES MY CALLS AND HAS NO WORK ETHIC.

COME ON. YOU KNOW THAT SECOND PART IS NOT TRUE.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'VE COME TO WRESTLE THE BLAIR CHAPTER

FROM YOUR HOT LITTLE HANDS.

I HAVEN'T FINISHED IT YET.

YOU'RE LYING.

YOU'RE HERE IN SOME DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO REGAIN BLAIR'S LOVE,

BUT YOU KNOW WHEN SHE READS WHAT YOU WROTE ABOUT HER,

SHE'S GONNA HATE YOU FOREVER.

LISTEN, I CAN'T HOLD THE MAGAZINE OFF ANY LONGER.

HAND IT OVER.

WHAT LANGUAGE DO I NEED TO SAY IT IN FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND?

IT'S NOT DONE.

I SPEAK FIVE,

AND IN EVERY ONE, THAT SENTENCE TRANSLATES TO "BULLCRAP."

(sighs)

YOU HAVE UNTIL NOON TO TURN IT IN.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE MISS BLAIR WENT?

UH, SHE FORGOT TO PUT ON LUCKY CHARM THIS MORNING

WHEN SHE GET OUT OF SHOWER.

SHE THINK CONDITIONER DULLS DIAMOND.

THAT LUCKY CHARM LOOKS A LOT LIKE AN ENGAGEMENT RING.

NO, UH...

IS ENGAGEMENT RING ON NECKLACE.

AT LEAST UNTIL MR. CHUCK DEFEATS BAD DAD.

MISS BLAIR NEVER LEAVE HOME WITHOUT IT.

I NEED TO PREPARE FOR MAD MOOD.

(beeps)

HI. UH, THIS IS DAN HUMPHREY.

YEAH. YEAH, YOU CAN SEND A MESSENGER

TO PICK UP MY NEXT CHAPTER.

NO, IT'S NOT ABOUT BLAIR WALDORF.

THE ONE I'M SENDING IS ABOUT CHUCK BASS.

WELL, NATE WON'T PUBLISH ANY MORE STORIES ABOUT LILY

IN "THE SPECTATOR."

WELL, I'D GIVE THEM TO GOSSIP GIRL IF I HAD THEM,

BUT RUFUS BURNED MY STASH OF SECRETS.

BUT DON'T WORRY. I'LL FIND SOMETHING.

WE'LL LEAVE HER WITH NO ONE.

SO WHY DO WE EVEN PAY THE INSTRUCTORS?

I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

(sighs)

WHAT'S WRONG?

I NEED TO MEET THE CONTRACTOR AT THE GALLERY.

HE CALLED AND SAID A PIPE BURST AND NOW THE FLOORS ARE RUINED.

WELL, HOPEFULLY HE'S EXAGGERATING.

CONTRACTORS ARE ALWAYS LOOKING FOR WAYS TO MAKE MORE MONEY.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE ANY MORE. IT'S ALL IN THE GALLERY.

AND I CAN'T OPEN WITHOUT FLOORS.

YOU WANNA COME?

WELL, I WOULD, BUT I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT UPTOWN.

OKAY.

(typing)

HEY, SHOULDN'T YOU BE WITH THE FBI,

HAVING BART ARRESTED FOR ILLEGAL OIL TRADING?

THEY NEED EVIDENCE FIRST.

THE SHEIKH WAS THE ONLY GUY WHO HAD ANY,

AND HE'S LOYAL TO HIS DAD.

BART'S BEEN TOO CAREFUL

TO LEAVE ANY TRACE OF THE TRANSACTIONS ON THE BOOKS.

WELL, I MEAN, IT'S PRETTY EASY TO FAKE NUMBERS.

YOU SPEAKING FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE?

I'M REFERRING TO YOUR FATHER.

OH. (chuckles)

RIGHT. WELL, I MEAN, HE GOT CAUGHT,

BUT A LOT OF PEOPLE DO A LITTLE CREATIVE ACCOUNTING

TO GET PAST A ROUGH PATCH AND NEVER DO.

I'M SURE EVERY HEDGE FUND MANAGER BEHIND BARS

IS TELLING HIMSELF THE SAME THING.

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT

BART HAD TO KEEP TRACK OF HIS FINANCES SOMEWHERE.

IF IT WASN'T IN HIS BUSINESS ACCOUNTS,

IT WAS IN HIS PERSONAL ONES.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND HOPEFULLY, WITH LILY'S HELP, WE'LL BE ABLE TO GET THEM.

DID YOU INSTIGATE A FORMAL DRESS CODE AT "THE SPECTATOR"?

I GOTTA DROP IT OFF AT THE CLEANERS

BEFORE I TAKE SAGE TO COTILLION TONIGHT.

RIGHT. WELL, I HOPE YOUR THIRD TIME COMING OUT

IS FINALLY A CHARM.

(scoffs)

SERENA.

HEY, CHUCK.

BYE, CHUCK. MMM.

OH, NO, JUST GO AHEAD AND HELP YOURSELF.

DON'T EVEN MENTION WHAT YOU'RE DOING HERE OR, YOU KNOW...

I NEED A MALE'S PERSPECTIVE ON STEVEN.

HE'S BARELY SPOKEN TO ME ALL WEEK,

AND THEN I DON'T EVEN THINK

HE WAS GONNA TELL ME ABOUT COTILLION

UNTIL SAGE ACCIDENTALLY MENTIONED IT.

I... (sighs) OH.

HAS SHE SAID ANYTHING?

WELL, HER DAD DOESN'T NORMALLY COME UP

IN MOST OF OUR CONVERSATIONS.

COULD THE WEIRDNESS BE THAT

STEVEN HOOKED UP WITH YOUR MOM IN A DUNGEON

WHEN YOU WERE IN GRADE SCHOOL?

NO. ONCE HE ACTUALLY REMEMBERED THAT THAT HAPPENED,

IT WASN'T WEIRD AT ALL.

HE GOT OVER IT REALLY QUICKLY. THE AWKWARDNESS STARTED AFTER.

AND I DON'T--I DON'T KNOW HOW I'M SUPPOSED TO FIX THE PROBLEM

IF I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

SEE, THIS IS WHERE MY FEMALE ADVICE SKILLS FALL SHORT.

MOST OF MY EXES WOULD JUST STEAL MY PHONE

OR GO THROUGH ALL MY E-MAILS.

THAT WAS A JOKE.

I KNOW.

LILY. THERE YOU ARE.

CHARLES, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

BART LEFT SPECIFIC INSTRUCTIONS WITH VANYA

NOT TO LET ME INTO THE APARTMENT,

BUT HE DID LET SLIP THAT YOU WERE SHOPPING ON MADISON.

WELL, I SHOULD GET HOME.

LILY, PLEASE, I NEED YOUR HELP.

LAST TIME I TRIED TO HELP YOU,

YOU MANIPULATED ME AGAINST YOUR FATHER.

BART ASKED ME NOT TO SPEAK WITH YOU

UNTIL YOU STOP ATTACKING OUR RELATIONSHIP.

YOU COULD GET ME THE PROOF.

DON'T YOU WANNA KNOW THE REAL REASON HE FAKED HIS DEATH?

LOOK, I'M SORRY, CHARLES.

I HOPE YOU MAKE PEACE WITH YOUR FATHER SOON

SO WE CAN BE A FAMILY AGAIN.

MAYBE I CAN HELP INSTEAD.

(beeps)

OH!

DID SOMEONE ORDER A WEDDING CAKE?

IF YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MY DRESS,

TOM USED VINTAGE LACE FROM PARIS.

OH, VINTAGE AS IN "OLD" AND "USED."

WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU, I HAVE THE HOTTEST NEW LINE

TO SAVE YOUR SARTORIAL DEBUT.

WHY WOULD YOU WANT ME ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR CLOTHES

AFTER I LEFT THEM ON THE RUNWAY AT YOUR FASHION SHOW?

WELL, LIKE IT OR NOT, YOUR STUNT BRANDED ME A PROVOCATEUR,

SO I'M EMBRACING IT.

THE WORDS I READ

WERE "DISTASTEFUL" AND "MAJORLY SLUTTISH."

SEMANTICS.

NOW I KNOW YOU LOVE TO MAKE A STATEMENT,

SO DROP THE PROM POOF AND LET'S GO.

(scoffs) NO, THANKS.

I MAKE A STATEMENT IN WHATEVER I WEAR,

AND TONIGHT, IT WON'T BE WALDORF.

(gasps)

(squeals and laughs)

(gasps)

(squeals)

SERENA?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

UM, I JUST NEEDED TO WRITE SOME E-MAILS,

SO I WAS GONNA BORROW YOUR DAD'S COMPUTER,

BUT THEN I DECIDED THAT I SHOULD USE MINE FROM HOME.

MUST BE SOME PRETTY THRILLING CORRESPONDENCE.

NO. NO, I AM JUST SO EXCITED FOR YOU AND YOUR COTILLION TONIGHT.

(chuckles) I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

(door opens)

(door closes)

THEY SAY A DIAMOND IS FOREVER,

OR MAYBE NEVER.

IT JUST DEPENDS ON WHO FINDS IT FIRST.

WHY WOULD I WANT THE HELP OF A CON ARTIST

AND A PROBABLE SOCIOPATH?

I'M NEITHER OF THOSE THINGS,

AND EVEN IF I WERE, WE HAVE A MUTUAL INTEREST IN THIS CASE.

WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS SPECIFICALLY?

TO GET LILY TO LEAVE ME ALONE.

MAY I SUGGEST YOU STOP FOLLOWING HER AROUND IN CABS?

I WAS TRYING TO FIND DIRT.

I FIGURED, YOU KNOW, IF I CAUSED TROUBLE IN HER RELATIONSHIP,

SHE'D STAY OUT OF MINE.

WELL, WHILE I CAN'T DENY MY DESIRE FOR MARITAL DISCORD,

I WON'T HURT LILY.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO TO GET YOUR DADDY'S PANTIES IN A BUNCH

IS TALK TO HER.

AND AS YOU JUST WITNESSED, SHE DOESN'T WANT TO TALK TO ME.

WELL, BART DOESN'T KNOW THAT.

SO WHAT, MAKE IT SEEM LIKE WE'VE BEEN COMMUNICATING?

PLANT SOME EVIDENCE AT THE APARTMENT?

IT MIGHT WORK, EXCEPT BART HAS BANNED ME FROM THE BUILDING.

I WASN'T BANNED.

AND I...

SAVED A KEY CARD.

PLEASE TELL ME THIS IS

AN INAPPROPRIATE GIFT FOR MY DEBUT

AND NOT AN ENGAGEMENT RING FOR SERENA.

A GIFT? NO, IT IS NOT.

DAD, STOP TALKING LIKE YODA.

IT'S AN ENGAGEMENT RING.

GOD, IT'S A RELIEF TO TALK ABOUT IT.

I'VE BEEN SO NERVOUS, I FORGOT TO INVITE SERENA TO COTILLION.

YEAH, WELL, MAYBE YOU WERE NERVOUS

BECAUSE SHE'S WAY TOO YOUNG, AND IT'S WAY TOO SOON.

I GET IT FEELS FAST,

BUT WE SPENT ALL SUMMER TOGETHER,

AND I HAVEN'T LOVED ANYONE THIS MUCH SINCE YOUR MOTHER.

MM. WE ALL KNOW HOW WELL THAT TURNED OUT.

I'M SCARED, TOO,

BUT I WANT SERENA TO KNOW THAT I'M IN THIS FOR THE LONG HAUL

AND I'M NOT COOL WITH HER MOVING IN HERE WITH YOU

UNTIL WE ARE ENGAGED.

AND NOW THAT YOU KNOW, I'M JUST GONNA GET LILY'S PERMISSION

AND PROPOSE TO SERENA TONIGHT.

(scoffs) SCREW LILY. I'M NOT GIVING MY PERMISSION.

I'M NOT ASKING.

(door opens)

OW!

HUSH, JESSICA. SOCIAL ASCENSION IS A PAINFUL PROCESS.

WELL I MEAN, I KNOW I LOOK YOUNG,

BUT DO YOU REALLY THINK I PASS FOR 16?

NO. I'LL HAVE DOROTA FIND A DERMATOLOGIST

WITH SOME JUVÉDERM, STAT.

HEY, I WAS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT, UH, ENJOY SOME COFFEE.

MAYBE I'D BE MORE BELIEVABLE IF DAN WAS MY DATE.

(chuckles)

NO REAL DEB WOULD EVER BE CAUGHT DEAD

WITH AN ESCORT FROM AN OUTER BOROUGH.

DOMINICK DUNNE WAS FROM HARTFORD,

AND HE WAS CONSIDERED HIGH SOCIETY.

YOUR CHUCK CHAPTER IS MY FAVORITE.

THANK YOU.

WHAT, YOU PUT OUT A CHUCK CHAPTER?

AFTER I GAVE YOU YOUR FIRST DECENT PLACE TO LIVE?

GO. PACK YOUR THINGS.

DON'T YOU WANT TO READ IT BEFORE YOU KICK ME OUT?

I READ NATE'S CHAPTER, AND YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE HIS FRIEND.

YOU HATE CHUCK AND EVERYTHING TO DO WITH ME IN RELATION TO CHUCK.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YEAH, DON'T WORRY, BLAIR. YOU'RE NOT EVEN IN IT.

WHAT? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

THERE IS NO CHUCK BASS CHAPTER WITHOUT BLAIR WALDORF.

THERE IS, WHILE HE FOCUSES ON HIS BATTLE WITH HIS FATHER,

WHICH IS WHAT THE CHAPTER'S ABOUT.

DAN MADE HIM SEEM LIKE A SUPERHERO

SINGLE-MINDEDLY FIGHTING EVIL.

ASK CHUCK IF HE'S UPSET ABOUT IT

WHEN HE PICKS YOU UP FOR COTILLION.

CHUCK'S NOT GOING TO COTILLION.

OH. OH, THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT. I'M SORRY.

I FORGOT YOU TWO CAN'T BE TOGETHER

UNTIL HE ACHIEVES HIS GOAL.

AND I ACHIEVE MINE, WHICH YOU ARE DISTRACTING ME FROM.

BYE, JESSICA.

OKAY, BYE. (chuckles)

HEY! PSST!

THANKS FOR COMING OVER, DARLING.

I THOUGHT YOU STILL MIGHT BE UPSET

ABOUT MY BRIEF DALLIANCE WITH STEVEN.

OH, WELL, I DEFINITELY WISH IT NEVER HAPPENED,

BUT I THINK IF HE CAN FORGET ABOUT IT,

THEN WE SHOULD ALL TRY, TOO.

ESPECIALLY SINCE, UM,

I THINK HE MIGHT PROPOSE TO ME SOON.

OH, I HAD A FEELING. YOU KNOW, HE CALLED ME EARLIER

AND SAID HE WANTED TO MEET BEFORE COTILLION.

HE SAID HE HAD SOMETHING IMPORTANT TO ASK ME.

OH! (laughs)

OH, MY GOSH! HE REALLY IS DOING IT.

ARE--ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT?

I MEAN, I NEVER REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

BUT ONCE I SAW THAT RING, I-I LITERALLY GOT BUTTERFLIES.

WELL, DIAMONDS SEEM TO HAVE THAT EFFECT, BUT...

(laughs)

YOU'RE JUST-- YOU'RE STILL SO YOUNG AND...

I KNOW, BUT STEVEN'S NOT.

HE--HE'S AN ADULT, AND HE TREATS ME LIKE ONE.

AND, YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE FIRST HONEST, HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

I'VE EVER HAD.

IT JUST DOESN'T SEEM THAT LONG AGO

THAT YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH DAN.

AND NOW THAT RUFUS AND I AREN'T TOGETHER, WELL,

I THOUGHT YOU TWO MIGHT BE.

YEAH, WELL, I-I THOUGHT THAT FOR A LITTLE WHILE, TOO.

BUT, YOU KNOW, THEN DAN AND I HAD THAT HUGE FALLING OUT,

AND I MET STEVEN...

MOM, YOU'RE GONNA SAY "YES," RIGHT?

OH, LORD KNOWS IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I SAY.

YOU'RE GONNA DO EXACTLY WHAT YOU WANNA DO.

(both laugh)

OH, THANK YOU.

I SHOULD PROBABLY GO GET A MANICURE

SO THAT MY HANDS LOOK PERFECT.

ABSOLUTELY. (laughs)

(laughs) I'LL SEE YOU AT COTILLION.

(kisses) OH.

PULL IT TIGHTER.

WE NEED THE ILLUSION OF A YOUTHFUL JAWLINE.

GOOD LUCK WITH THE OLD CHICK.

IN SOME COUNTRIES, OLD PEOPLE ARE CONSIDERED BEAUTIFUL.

MM, NOT THIS ONE.

SHOULDN'T YOU BE AT THE WALDORF ASTORIA,

DONNING THAT DOILY DRESS?

I JUST FOUND OUT MY FATHER'S PROPOSING TO SERENA TONIGHT.

THAT IS SO EXCITING!

WE'LL ALL GET TO BE THERE TO WITNESS IT.

YES, AND BE UPSTAGED.

I THOUGHT YOU'D WANT TO STOP THAT FROM HAPPENING,

IN EXCHANGE FOR ME WEARING YOUR DRESS, OF COURSE.

WELL, YOU CONSIDER YOURSELF A MASTER MANIPULATOR.

WHY NOT SQUASH THE PROPOSAL YOURSELF?

COME ON, BLAIR. WE ALL KNOW FROM "GOSSIP GIRL"

THERE'S NO ONE BETTER AT TAKING DOWN SERENA THAN YOU.

THAT IS TRUE, BUT I WOULD NEED A 2-TIERED PLAN,

SOME KIND OF PROTECTION.

YOUR GENERATION CAN'T BE TRUSTED WITH SCHEMING ON GOOD FAITH.

I PROMISE I'LL BEHAVE.

JUST PLEASE STOP HER FROM MARRYING MY DAD.

OKAY. FINE.

I WILL DELAY THE PROPOSAL FOR TONIGHT,

AND IF YOU KEEP YOUR PROMISE AND I GET MY BUYERS,

THEN WE CAN DISCUSS ENDING THEIR ENGAGEMENT PLANS FOR GOOD.

OH, DO WE GET TO CLIMB FIRE ESCAPES

AND WEAR STOCKINGS ON OUR HEADS FOR THAT PART?

YES, JESSICA.

GO GET OUTFITTED AND--AND WAIT FOR MY SIGNAL.

OKAY, GREAT. OKAY. (whispers indistinctly)

SHE'S NOT ACTUALLY GONNA BE WEARING....

NO. NO. SHE WAS JUST ANNOYING ME.

HEY! BRING IN THE DRESS!

IT NEEDS TO BE REFITTED.

I SPRAYED YOUR COLOGNE,

AND I PUT A COPY OF BART'S WILL YOU GAVE ME

on Lily's desk.

HE'LL BE FURIOUS WITH HER IF HE THINKS

WE'RE CONSPIRING TO RECLAIM HIS EMPIRE.

NOW FILL A GLASS WITH SCOTCH.

NOW DRINK IT.

I wouldn't leave a drop.

(elevator bell dings)

HELLO?

(beep)

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

(cell phone rings)

BLAIR, WHAT A NICE SURPRISE.

Hello, Lily.

I WISH I COULD SAY THE SAME

ABOUT SERENA'S IMPENDING PROPOSAL.

Has she discussed it with you?

OH, SHE HAS. SHE SEEMS THRILLED.

NEED I SAY MORE?

SERENA'S ENTHUSIASM IS LIKE THE BAT SIGNAL FOR BAD IDEAS.

It's sudden, I know,

BUT SHE DOES SEEM HAPPY.

But doesn't she always

WHEN SHE'S WITH A NEW GUY?

DAN, NATE,

Colin, Ben.

OH, SHE IS A ROMANTIC, BLESS HER TENDER HEART.

BUT, LILY, YOU AND I ARE REALISTS.

WE NEED TO LOOK AFTER HER

BECAUSE SHE ISN'T CAPABLE OF LOOKING AFTER HERSELF.

(Frank Ocean's "Lost" playing)

THANK YOU, BLAIR.

I APPRECIATE YOUR INPUT.

BYE.

* INDIA, LOST ON A TRAIN

* LOST

LILY. THANKS FOR COMING TO MEET ME.

I KNOW IT'S OLD-FASHIONED, BUT WITH OUR... HISTORY

AND SERENA'S FATHER NOT BEING A CONSTANT--

YOU WANT MY PERMISSION TO MARRY MY DAUGHTER.

* LOS ANGELES, INDIA, LOST ON A TRAIN *

* LOST

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU CONVINCED HER?

ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SUBTLY SUGGEST SERENA NEEDS SAVING,

AND LILY JUMPS INTO PROTECTIVE MOTHER MODE,

READY TO DO ANYTHING TO SHIELD HER PRECIOUS DAUGHTER

FROM ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP GONE WRONG.

SHE EVEN HAD ONE GUY SENT TO PRISON.

WELL, MY DAD BETTER NOT END UP IN LOCK UP,

BUT I HOPE YOU'RE RIGHT ABOUT THE REST.

I AM, AND JUST IN CASE,

WE HAVE YOUR PART OF THE PLAN AS BACKUP.

EVERYTHING'S IN MOTION.

* LOST

YOU CAN EITHER TELL ME WHO YOU ARE OR YOU CAN TELL THE POLICE.

NO, PLEASE, NO POLICE.

MY MOTHER LARISSA JUST SENT ME OVER TO CLEAN SOMETHING

FOR MRS. LILY.

SHE'S SICK,

BUT MRS. LILY CALLED AND SAID IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.

(beeps)

AND, UH, THAT'S WHAT NEEDED CLEANING?

MRS. LILY SAID NO ONE ELSE WAS SUPPOSED TO SEE.

"MRS. LILY" DOESN'T PAY YOUR MOTHER'S SALARY.

I DO.

(sighs)

(sniffs)

CHUCK.

THAT'LL BE ALL.

WOW. YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

YOU'RE QUITE THE DAPPER DAN YOURSELF.

UNFORTUNATELY, JESSICA'S OFF SOMEWHERE

WITH PANTYHOSE ON HER HEAD,

SO SHE NO LONGER REQUIRES AN ESCORT.

I'M--I'M NOT GONNA ASK, BUT I'M NOT DRESSED FOR JESSICA.

I KNOW CHUCK'S BUSY, AND NO ONE SHOULD GO TO COTILLION ALONE.

WELL, I SUPPOSE I COULD OVERLOOK YOUR UPBRINGING

NOW THAT YOU'RE A REGULAR FEATURE IN "VANITY FAIR."

(cell phone alert chimes)

(cell phone alert chimes)

SPOTTED--ONE MAN LEAVING HARRY WINSTON EMPTY-HANDED.

STEVEN SPENCE WALKED IN WITH A RING

AND LEFT WITHOUT ONE.

I WONDER WHAT--OR WHO-- HE'S RETURNING.

(Frank Ocean) * SWEET LIFE

* SWEET LIFE, SWEET LIFE

* SWEET LIFE, SWEET LIFE

* THE SWEET, SWEET, SWEET, SWEET LIFE *

WHERE'S THE BLAIR CHAPTER?

WHY DO YOU CARE?

CHUCK JUST POSTED, AND THE NEXT CHAPTER'S NOT DUE FOR A WEEK.

MAYBE TO "VANITY FAIR," BUT I WANT IT NOW.

I KNOW YOU, HUMPHREY.

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU TURN OUR SCATHING EXPOSÉ

INTO A SENTIMENTAL SONNET

BECAUSE OF YOUR DELUSIONAL FEELINGS FOR BLAIR.

WHY ARE YOU SO SURE THAT I'M DELUSIONAL AND NOT DETERMINED?

SHE DID DATE ME.

BRIEFLY, AFTER SHE LOST HER PRINCE AND HER MIND.

AND NOW SHE WEARS THAT ADORABLE ENGAGEMENT RING FROM CHUCK

AROUND HER NECK.

NOT ON HER FINGER.

THAT SHOULDER, ARM, AND TORSO SPACE

IS MY WINDOW TO WIN HER BACK.

NOW IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

NOT SO FAST.

EITHER LOSE THE ROMANCE NOTIONS,

OR I'LL LOSE THEM FOR YOU.

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

HMM. SERENA'S PHONE.

LOOKS LIKE YOU TWO SHARE A NOSTALGIA FOR LONG-LOST LOVES.

EXCUSE ME. SORRY.

I BET SHE STILL USES IT TO GET OFF.

I KNOW I DO.

YOU CAN'T SHOW THAT TO BLAIR.

UNLESS YOU WANT BLAIR TO HATE YOU FOREVER

FOR SCREWING HER BEST FRIEND

WHILE YOU TWO WERE STILL TOGETHER,

YOU'LL GET ME THOSE PAGES.

I'M DOING THIS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

THERE'S NO VIAGRA TO SAVE A CAREER THAT'S GONE SOFT.

OKAY, JUST GIVE ME UNTIL MIDNIGHT.

ONLY BECAUSE I LOVE "CINDERFELLA." (sighs)

OH!

OH! I'M SO SORRY! (whispers) SORRY.

(beep)

(laughs)

* MANGO, PEACHES, AND LIME, A SWEET LIFE *

* SWEET LIFE

* SWEET LIFE

* YEAH

(scoffs) WHY DID I ASK A PEASANT'S ADVICE

ON HOW TO DRESS ROYALTY?

YOUR SHOCK AND AMAZE PLAN HAD BETTER WORK.

I'M COUNTING ON IT.

* SWEET LIFE

(gasps)

YOU CAME.

BLAIR, YOU LOOK DEVASTATING, AS ALWAYS.

AND, HUMPHREY,

I SEE YOU IMMORTALIZED ME ONCE AGAIN IN PRINT.

SHOULD I BE CONCERNED ABOUT YOUR LEVEL OF OBSESSION?

NOT AT ALL. I FIND YOUR BATTLE WITH YOUR FATHER INSPIRING.

IT'S THE STUFF MYTHS ARE MADE OF, LIKE ZEUS AND CRONUS.

IT NEVER ENDS.

UNTIL ZEUS WINS AND COMES TO BE WITH HERA.

ACTUALLY, ZEUS TRICKED HERA INTO BEING WITH HIM...

AFTER HE RAPED HER.

(inhales deeply) ENOUGH ABOUT THE GODS.

LET'S DRINK.

I'M SORRY, BLAIR. I CAN'T. I'M HERE TO SPEAK WITH LILY.

I'M BETTING BART WILL COME, TOO, TO CONFRONT HER.

I'M HOPING AFTER THAT SHE'LL JOIN MY BATTLE AGAINST HIM.

HAVE YOU SEEN HER?

NO, BUT GO FIND HER AND IMPRISON CRONUS.

THE SOONER THE BETTER.

**

(sighs)

GO FIND US A PRIME VIEWING SPOT.

I NEED TO SPEAK WITH SAGE.

* ...HOUSEKEEPER SINCE YOU WERE BORN *

THANK YOU.

SERENA!

YOU LOOK LOVELY.

DID YOU DENY STEVEN PERMISSION TO PROPOSE TO ME?

WELL, I WOULDN'T EXACTLY PHRASE IT THAT WAY.

I DID EXPRESS CONCERN THAT YOU MIGHT NOT BE READY FOR MARRIAGE.

OH, HOW WOULD YOU KNOW? WERE YOU READY ALL SIX TIMES YOU DID IT?

LOOK, I'M SORRY THAT YOU'RE UPSET, SERENA,

BUT I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE THAT HAD MISGIVINGS.

I MEAN, BLAIR CALLED AND SHARED HERS AS WELL.

BLAIR HAS NO RIGHT TO SHARE ANYTHING.

WE'RE NOT EVEN FRIENDS ANYMORE. YOU KNEW HOW MUCH I WANTED THIS.

I KNEW YOU WANTED SOMEONE,

BUT LET'S FACE IT, SERENA.

YOU DON'T HAVE BOYFRIENDS. YOU HAVE LIFE RAFTS.

THAT YOU KEEP TAKING FROM ME AND--AND LEAVING ME TO DROWN.

FIRST YOU GOT TOGETHER WITH RUFUS

SO THAT I COULD NEVER BE WITH DAN,

AND NOW YOU'RE JEALOUS THAT SOME MAN

THAT DOESN'T REMEMBER SLEEPING WITH YOU IS IN LOVE WITH ME.

I'M NOT GONNA LET YOU RUIN THIS.

GIRLS, I NEED YOUR PERSONAL STATEMENTS.

BUNNY RABURN, I HOPE YOU INCLUDED YOUR BALLET PHOTOS.

ASK MY MOM. SHE MADE IT.

OH.

THANK YOU, SAGE.

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR ACADEMIC ACCOLADES.

(chuckles)

WHICH CLEARLY HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH INTELLIGENCE.

(sighs)

WHY IS SERENA HERE? I TOLD YOU TO KEEP HER AWAY.

I DID WHAT YOU SAID. I USED MY DAD'S PHONE TO UNINVITE HER,

AND I HAD HIM TAKE THE RING MY MOM SENT ME TO GET RESIZED,

AND I HAD MY MINIONS SEND A PICTURE TO "GOSSIP GIRL."

YOUR PLAN JUST SUCKED.

MY PLAN DOES NOT SUCK.

WE'LL JUST HAVE TO COME UP WITH A NEW ONE.

(scoffs) I ALREADY HAVE.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL BE SHOCKING IN YOUR DRESS,

AND SERENA WILL NEVER BE MY EVIL STEPMOM.

NOW I HAVE TO FIND MY DATE.

**

BART.

WHAT A NICE SURPRISE. I WASN'T EXPECTING YOU.

JUST LIKE YOU WEREN'T EXPECTING ME TO FIND OUT

ABOUT YOUR SECRET MEETING WITH CHUCK?

AH. I KNEW YOU'D BE UPSET.

YOU KNOW, HE TRACKED ME DOWN WHILE I WAS SHOPPING.

SO YOU INVITED HIM BACK TO OUR APARTMENT TO GO THROUGH MY WILL?

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE REFERRING TO.

CHARLES WAS NOT IN OUR APARTMENT.

I TOLD HIM I WASN'T COMFORTABLE SPEAKING WITH HIM

UNTIL HE MADE THINGS RIGHT.

STOP LYING TO ME, LILY.

I CAUGHT LARISSA'S DAUGHTER CLEANING UP AFTER YOU.

BART, LARISSA'S DAUGHTER IS 4.

THEN WHO WAS THE 20-SOMETHING BLONDE I CAUGHT

WITH CHUCK'S SCOTCH GLASS?

AH. LET ME GUESS.

5'4", SLIM, COULD PASS AS SERENA'S COUSIN?

IVY. SHE'S THE SAME ONE

THAT LEAKED THOSE NASTY RUMORS ABOUT ME LAST WEEK.

CHARLES, HOW COULD YOU,

AFTER EVERYTHING I'VE DONE TO TRY TO MAKE PEACE?

I DON'T WANT PEACE.

I WANT YOU TO HELP ME MAKE HIM PAY FOR WHAT HE DID.

PUT A SILVER SPOON IN YOUR MOUTH?

OR RAISE YOU AS A SINGLE PARENT?

WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO PUNISH ME FOR FIRST, SON?

LILY, YOU HAVE TO TRUST ME.

YOU ARE AIDING AND ABETTING A CRIMINAL.

CHARLES, THAT'S ENOUGH.

DO YOU WANT TO END UP LIKE RUTH MADOFF,

LOSING YOUR SON TO DEFEND YOUR HUSBAND?

I DON'T WANT TO LOSE ANYONE, CHARLES,

BUT YOU'RE LEAVING ME NO CHOICE.

I'M GOING TO GET MY COAT.

WHAT CAN I SAY?

MARRIAGE HAS ITS PRIVILEGES. (chuckles)

(Frank Ocean's "Pyramids" playing)

* WE'LL RUN TO THE FUTURE

* SHINING LIKE DIAMONDS

* IN A ROCKY WORLD

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU ALL

TO THE DISPENSARY COTILLION AND DEBUTANTE BALL.

(cheers and applause)

(amplified voice) OUR FIRST DEBUTANTE

IS JILLIAN FREMONT.

JILLIAN IS THE DAUGHTER OF WINSTON AND...

(Serena) STEVEN.

SORRY.

SERENA! THERE YOU ARE.

(scoffs) WHATEVER IT IS, BLAIR, I DON'T HAVE TIME.

I HAVE TO TRY TO STOP YOU AND MY MOM FROM DESTROYING MY PROPOSAL.

NOT DESTROY,

JUST DELAY LONG ENOUGH FOR SAGE TO WEAR MY DRESS.

SHE REALLY DOESN'T WANT YOU AS A STEPMOM,

AND I ONLY HAVE A MONTH TO WIN BACK BUYERS

AFTER YOU WALKED OUT OF MY FASHION SHOW.

OH, SO YOU GET TO RUIN MY FUTURE TO SELL DRESSES?

YEAH, THAT'S JUSTIFIED.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE

IF YOUR ENGAGEMENT COMES A FEW DAYS LATE,

AFTER I HAVE WALDORF DESIGNS BACK ON TRACK?

DON'T YOU GET IT?

IT'S NOT COMING. WHATEVER YOU DID MADE STEVEN RETURN THE RING.

(sighs)

YOU MEAN THAT PICTURE ON "GOSSIP GIRL."

SAGE'S MOM SENT HER A RING AS A GIFT.

HE WAS AT HARRY WINSTON GETTING IT RESIZED.

THIS WAS ALL PART OF A VERY WELL-THOUGHT OUT PLAN.

IT WAS?

YES. HE STILL HAS THE RING

BECAUSE HE STILL WANTS TO MARRY YOU.

DO YOU REALLY THINK SO?

(sighs) OF COURSE.

HAVE YOU EVER MET YOURSELF?

ANY MAN WHO LOVES SERENA VAN DER WOODSEN

WOULD NEVER LET LILY OR ANYONE ELSE

TELL HIM NOT TO BE WITH HER.

(chuckles)

YOU KNOW, WHEN I SAW THAT RING,

YOU WERE THE ONLY PERSON I WANTED TO TALK TO ABOUT IT.

(scoffs)

WELL, I WOULD NEVER TRY TO TAKE AWAY YOUR HAPPINESS.

WELL, AT LEAST NOT PERMANENTLY.

(laughs)

IF YOU LOVE HIM AND IT'S MEANT TO BE,

THEN I WANT IT, TOO.

UNFORTUNATELY, KIDS TODAY ARE NOT LIKE WE WERE.

THEY'RE UNPREDICTABLE AND ALLIANCE-FREE.

THERE IS NO LINE THEY WON'T CROSS.

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT SAGE WAS REALLY STARTING TO LIKE ME.

WELL, YOU WERE WRONG, AND NOW SHE'S GONE ROGUE.

SHE'S COME UP WITH A PLAN OF HER OWN THAT I AM SCARED

IS MORE DASTARDLY THAN EVEN I CAN IMAGINE.

YOU HAVE TO WARN STEVEN.

I WILL, RIGHT AFTER I TELL HIM

I LOVE HIM AND THAT I WANT TO MARRY HIM.

(laughs) THANK YOU, B.

NOW GO. I WANNA BE A BRIDESMAID.

(sighs)

OUR NEXT DEBUTANTE IS BUNNY RABURN.

(camera shutters clicking)

BUNNY IS THE DAUGHTER OF JIM AND FRAN RABURN.

(whispers) TICKTOCK.

SHE'S ESCORTED BY TOM GRAND.

(sighs)

BUNNY BEGAN TO DANCE AS A TODDLER...

HEY. HOW YOU FEELING?

LIKE I'M WAITING FOR THE OTHER SHOE TO DROP.

SHE FOUNDED A COOKING SCHOOL FOR DISADVANTAGED YOUTH...

HEY.

OH, THERE YOU ARE.

I'M GLAD YOU MADE IT.

SO I-I TAKE IT YOU DIDN'T UNINVITE ME EITHER?

OF COURSE NOT. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, I KNOW ABOUT THE ENGAGEMENT RING,

AND I DON'T CARE ABOUT MY MOM'S PERMISSION.

NEITHER DO I.

(chuckles)

(both laugh)

OUR NEXT DEBUTANTE IS SAGE SPENCE.

YOU READY FOR THIS?

I CAN HARDLY WAIT.

(guests gasping and murmuring)

SAGE IS THE DAUGHTER OF PAULETTE AND STEVEN SPENCE.

SHE'S ESCORTED BY NATHANIEL ARCHIBALD.

(guests murmuring)

I ALWAYS KNEW YOU COULD DO DIRTY.

PROVOCATIVE.

WE DO MAKE A GOOD TEAM.

(woman) HER LOVE OF HORSEBACK RIDING

STARTED ON THE CENTRAL PARK CAROUSEL...

UH...

UH... (murmurs indistinctly)

(woman) WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HELP ME!

ED, BLACK IT OUT!

CAN WE PLEASE TURN OFF THE SCREEN?

NO! NO!

STOP THAT!

(Dan) THAT'S WEIRD. YOUR CAMERA'S ON.

(Serena) UH, NO, NO, IT'S NOT.

WHOA, I THINK IT WAS RECORDING US, ACTUALLY.

OH, GOSH. MAYBE I-I...

BLAIR, I CAN EXPLAIN THIS.

HERE, LET ME ERASE IT.

YOU MANIPULATED ME INTO THINKING THAT IT WAS OVER

SO I WOULD CHEAT ON HER.

(Gossip Girl) I SAID I'D NEVER MENTION S. AGAIN,

BUT WHAT'S A MOVIE WITHOUT CREDITS?

WHY DON'T WE START THE DANCING EARLY, HUH?

DANCING. DANCING WOULD BE GOOD.

(classical music playing)

SAGE DID THIS. SHE TOLD BLAIR SHE HAD A PLAN.

WHAT, THE SAME BLAIR WHO PUT HER IN A FASHION SHOW HALF-NAKED?

NO, SAGE DID THAT, TOO.

YOU CANNOT LET HER SABOTAGE OUR RELATIONSHIP.

EXCUSE ME IF I DON'T TAKE PARENTING ADVICE

FROM A WOMAN WHO RECORDED HERSELF HAVING SEX WITH HER EX

TO GET REVENGE ON HER BEST FRIEND.

I KNOW THAT THAT WAS WRONG. I WAS IN A REALLY BAD PLACE,

WHICH IS WHY I LEFT TOWN IN THE FIRST PLACE--

TO GET A FRESH START, WHICH I HAD WITH YOU.

THIS DOESN'T CHANGE US.

IT CHANGES EVERYTHING.

SO THE WHOLE TIME YOU REFUSED TO SPEAK TO ME FOR CHOOSING CHUCK,

YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME WITH SERENA.

IT WAS ONLY ONCE.

AND YOU--YOU HEARD THE TAPE. SHE MANIPULATED ME INTO IT.

IN ORDER TO CLAIM DATE RAPE, YOU HAVE TO SAY "NO."

LOOK, SHE TOLD ME YOU CHOSE CHUCK,

WHICH TURNS OUT WASN'T EVEN A LIE.

YOU JUST DIDN'T HAVE THE DECENCY TO TELL ME YOURSELF.

I INTENDED TO,

BUT I RESPECTED YOU ENOUGH NOT TO SLEEP WITH HIM UNTIL I DID.

I THOUGHT CHUCK SLEEPING WITH JENNY

WAS THE MOST DESPICABLE THING SOMEONE COULD DO TO ME.

BUT THIS IS WORSE,

BECAUSE YOU PRETENDED TO BE BETTER.

AT LEAST I ENDED UP WITH THE RIGHT PERSON.

YOU ENDED UP WITH NO ONE.

CHUCK WILL NEVER BE FINISHED FIGHTING WITH HIS FATHER,

AND THAT RING AROUND YOUR NECK

IS NEVER GONNA BE ON YOUR FINGER.

I WOULD RATHER BE WITH NO ONE THAN WITH YOU.

(sighs)

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO WAITING UNTIL MIDNIGHT?

I WAS GOING TO.

THAT LITTLE BITCH SAGE STOLE MY PHONE.

W-WHAT DID I-- WHAT DID I EVER DO TO HER?

WELL, FROM WHAT I'VE HEARD OVER DEBS HURLING IN THE BATHROOM,

SHE WANTED TO STOP HER DADDY FROM MARRYING SERENA.

THE SURPRISE ENDING FOR YOUR SERIAL

WAS JUST COLLATERAL DAMAGE.

WELL, YOU STILL GOT WHAT YOU WANTED.

BLAIR HATES ME FOREVER.

I'M GONNA GO GET THE NEXT CHAPTER.

BRING IT TO ME HERE.

HMM. I FORGOT HOW MUCH I LOVE BEING 16.

**

TELL ME THIS ISN'T YOUR BEST COTILLION EVER.

OH, ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

THIS IS WORSE THAN WHEN I PUNCHED CARTER BAIZEN.

EXCUSE ME, MINI ME.

MY PHONE?

OH. IS THIS YOURS?

HMM. SKIP THE INNOCENT ACT.

I ADMIRE YOUR WAY WITH AN ANTIC.

IF YOU'RE EVER IN THE NEED OF EMPLOYMENT, CALL ME.

WAIT. YOU BROADCAST THE SEX TAPE?

WOULD YOU WANT YOUR FATHER TO MARRY SERENA?

SHE'S MY FRIEND. YOU HUMILIATED HER.

I DIDN'T FORCE HER TO DO IT FOR THE CAMERA.

I SIMPLY REPORTED IT,

LIKE YOU DID WITH MY DAD AND LILY ON "THE SPECTATOR."

THAT'S A NEWSPAPER, NOT A SOCIETY GALA.

AND I DIDN'T DO IT TO HURT THEM.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU MAY BE LEGAL, BUT THIS IS WAY TOO HIGH SCHOOL FOR ME.

NATE! NATE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WE WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A DANCE!

AH, THAT'S GREAT. AS LONG AS THEY'RE DONE FOR THE OPENING.

(door opens and closes)

THANKS.

THAT SOUNDED POSITIVE. ARE THE FLOORS OKAY?

THEY WERE DESTROYED, BUT BEX TOLD AN ANONYMOUS COLLECTOR

ABOUT THE COLE JAMES PIECE,

WHICH MEANS NOW WE HAVE THE MONEY TO REPLACE THEM.

WELL, I KNEW EVERYTHING WOULD WORK OUT.

I'M GONNA GO CLEAN UP SO WE CAN CELEBRATE.

AND SAY "THANKS" TO BEX FOR ME, TOO.

(door opens)

(beep)

(door closes)

HI. BEX, I KNOW YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO TELL ME

WHO BOUGHT THE PIECE,

UH, BUT, UH, I'D LIKE TO SEND THEM AN INVITATION

AND, UH, A THANK-YOU NOTE.

A P.O. BOX WOULD BE GREAT.

WAIT. ARE YOU S-- ARE YOU SURE IT'S 76648?

YEP, THAT'S ALL I NEEDED. THANKS.

(beep)

I GUESS WE LEARNED

WHAT APPALLING THING SAGE HAD PLANNED.

SAGE? (scoffs) YOU'RE THE ONE WHO'S APPALLING,

AND A LOT OF OTHER WORDS

THAT I SHOULD NOT UTTER AT A SOCIETY GALA.

BLAIR, I-I KNOW THAT THAT VIDEO WAS HORRIBLE,

BUT YOU HAD ALREADY CHOSEN CHUCK.

DID YOU KNOW THAT WHEN YOU TOOK DAN TO THE CAMPBELL APARTMENT

AND SET UP A CAMERA TO SEDUCE HIM FOR THE WHOLE WORLD TO SEE?

NO, IT WASN'T LIKE THAT. A WAITRESS HAD SPILLED ON US,

AND--AND--AND SO WE WENT TO CLEAN UP.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

YOU TOOK NATE'S VIRGINITY ON THAT BAR, WHEN I LOVED HIM.

YOU JUST NEEDED TO PROVE

THAT YOU COULD STILL TAKE ANYONE I WANT.

THE ONLY ONE YOU WANT IS CHUCK.

I AM SO SORRY, BLAIR.

I MADE A MISTAKE, BUT SO DID YOU

WHEN YOU TEAMED UP WITH SAGE TO TRY TO RUIN MY PROPOSAL.

NO. I STOPPED WHEN I KNEW THAT YOU COULD REALLY GET HURT,

BUT YOU DIDN'T.

YOU CROSSED THE LINE AND KEPT GOING.

ONLY BECAUSE I THOUGHT I LOVED DAN, AND YOU DIDN'T.

YOU KNOW, SERENA, I KEPT HOPING

THAT THIS WAS JUST LIKE ALL OF OUR OTHER FIGHTS,

AND THAT NO MATTER HOW MUCH WE HATED EACH OTHER,

WE WOULD STILL ALWAYS BE BEST FRIENDS.

BUT YOU WERE RIGHT, WHAT YOU SAID BEFORE MY FASHION SHOW.

WE HAVEN'T BEEN FRIENDS FOR A LONG TIME.

I JUST COULDN'T SEE IT.

WE ALL CAME INTO THIS WORLD NAKED AND ALONE.

LOOKS LIKE S. IS LEAVING IT THAT WAY, TOO.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KNOW, GOING THROUGH SOMEONE'S MAIL

IS A FEDERAL OFFENSE.

AS IS PURCHASING ARTWORK WITH STOLEN FUNDS.

YOU WANNA EXPLAIN

THE BANK ACCOUNT WITH ALL THE ZEROES?

(whispers) OKAY.

(normal voice) I DIDN'T STEAL IT.

LOLA RETURNED IT TO ME.

THAT'S CAROL'S PORTION OF CeCe's ESTATE.

WOW.

THAT MAKES SENSE.

WHAT DOESN'T IS WHY YOU CAME TO ME PRETENDING TO HAVE NOTHING,

WHEN YOU COULD BUY HALF OF MANHATTAN.

THAT MONEY ALIENATED ME FROM EVERYONE I CARED ABOUT.

BUT I COULDN'T DO NOTHING WHILE YOU LOST THE GALLERY.

YEAH, BUT YOU STILL SHOULD'VE TOLD ME.

I'M SORRY,

BUT MY BEING RICH DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING BETWEEN US.

YEAH, I'M NOT SO SURE ABOUT THAT.

MONEY CAUSED ALL MY PROBLEMS WITH LILY.

I'D NEVER LORD MY FORTUNE OVER YOUR HEAD

THE WAY SHE DID.

I MEAN, THIS MONEY JUST...

(sighs) MEANS WE CAN BE US

AND FIX BROKEN FLOORS

AND GO ON GREAT TRIPS

AND CELEBRATE WITH FABULOUS CHAMPAGNE.

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D BE GRATEFUL TO CeCe RHODES.

(both laugh)

HEY, STEVEN, IT'S ME. CAN WE MEET SOMEWHERE TO TALK, PLEASE?

SERENA, I HAVE NOTHING MORE TO SAY TO YOU.

SO THAT'S IT?

YOU'RE JUST GONNA BREAK UP WITH ME OVER SAGE'S MANIPULATION?

SHE WAS RIGHT.

WE MOVED TOO FAST, AND YOU ARE TOO YOUNG.

No, but that's not what you said this summer.

YOU SAID THAT WE WERE PERFECT TOGETHER.

We were,

UNTIL WE GOT BACK TO YOUR LIFE IN NEW YORK.

BUT I DIDN'T WANT THIS LIFE. THAT'S WHY I RAN AWAY.

IT'S STILL A PART OF YOU,

AND MY LOVING YOU ISN'T ENOUGH TO SHUT IT OUT.

And I can't marry someone who always has another sex tape

OR HIDDEN AGENDA OR SURPRISE SCHEME UP THEIR SLEEVE.

I'M A FATHER.

I CAN'T JUST THINK ABOUT MYSELF.

STEVEN...

I'M SORRY, SERENA,

more than you know.

YOU TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.

(beep)

ARE YOU OKAY?

NOT REALLY. ARE YOU?

I'M NOT SURE.

YOU, UH, YOU WANNA GRAB A BURGER?

AND FRIES.

AND A SHAKE.

YEAH. WHY NOT?

OKAY.

BLAIR.

(sighs) THANK YOU FOR NEVER SLEEPING WITH SERENA.

THE PLEASURE WAS ALL MINE.

HER SICK SHOW WITH DAN IS ALL OVER "GOSSIP GIRL."

WELL, AT LEAST NOW EVERYONE CAN SEE THE TRUTH ABOUT THEM.

THEY CAN SEE EVERYTHING ABOUT THEM.

BUT I HAVE TO SAY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THIS FROM HUMPHREY.

AND THOUGH I ALWAYS WANTED YOU TO CHOOSE ME,

I ALWAYS FEARED HE WAS THE BETTER MAN.

NO ONE'S BETTER FOR ME THAN YOU.

THEN YOU WON'T MIND WAITING A LITTLE LONGER

FOR US TO BE TOGETHER?

YOUR PLAN TO HAVE LILY HELP YOU DIDN'T WORK?

MY FATHER HAS HER WRAPPED AROUND HIS FINGER.

I HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO EXPOSE HIM ON MY OWN.

YOU WILL.

AND I WILL WAIT AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

IF THAT'S WHAT YOU STILL WANT--

TO WAIT.

(whispers) THEY SAY GOOD THINGS COME TO THOSE WHO DO.

(cell phone vibrates)

WAS THAT YOU VIBRATING?

I SHOULD GO.

I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE FOREVER,

BUT I KNOW WHAT MY FATHER DID, AND I JUST HAVE TO PROVE IT.

WHEN CHARLES SAID I WAS AIDING AND ABETTING, BART,

HAVE YOU DONE SOMETHING THAT WOULD SEND YOU TO PRISON?

I NEVER TOLD YOU...

TO PROTECT YOU FROM EXACTLY THESE KINDS OF ATTACKS.

(lock clicks)

AFTER THE MORTGAGE MELTDOWN, BASS INDUSTRIES WAS IN TROUBLE.

I KNEW SOME PEOPLE WHO KNEW SOME PEOPLE,

AND I MADE A DEAL TO SELL SOME OIL FROM THE SUDAN.

THERE WAS AN EMBARGO IN PLACE WHICH MADE IT ILLEGAL,

AND THEN THINGS GOT COMPLICATED.

WAS ANYONE HURT?

NO.

(Frank Ocean's "Thinkin' Bout You" playing)

WELL, THAT'S ALL I NEEDED TO KNOW.

* 'CAUSE I BEEN THINKIN' 'BOUT FOREVER *

THERE'S SOMETHING TO BE SAID FOR HAVING A PARTNER IN CRIME.

(cell phone rings)

* SO FAR AHEAD?

(beep)

(sighs) DID YOUR DAD DUMP THE BITCH YET?

NO. BUT I WONDERED IF YOU'D SEEN BART DO ANYTHING UNUSUAL

IN THE APARTMENT.

MAYBE THE REASON HE'S SO INTENT ON KEEPING ME OUT

IS BECAUSE WHAT I NEED'S INSIDE.

MM. WELL, HE DID HOLD ON

to this envelope the whole time,

but I didn't see who it was from.

SORRY.

NO. YOU'VE BEEN VERY HELPFUL. THANK YOU.

SOMETIMES YOU HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO GO IT ALONE.

YOU KNOW I HATE CRYPTIC TEXT MESSAGES.

I NEED TO EMOTIONALLY PREPARE FOR A GIFT OR A LAND MINE.

I HAVE BOTH.

WELL, GIFT FIRST SO I CAN APPRECIATE IT

BEFORE I'M BLOWN TO SMITHEREENS.

JEAN PIERRE CALL TO GET PATTERN FOR SAGE SEX DRESS.

HE SAY HE ALREADY HAS CALLS FROM BUYERS.

OH!

WELL, THEN THAT MEANS THAT WALDORF DESIGNS

WILL BE IN STORES BEFORE MY MOTHER'S DEADLINE.

WHAT COULD POSSIBLY EXPLODE THAT?

MISS ELEANOR CALL, TOO.

SHE SAW PHOTOS OF COTILLION.

SHE SAY SHE COME HOME TO FIX DECORUM DISASTER.

* 'CAUSE I BEEN THINKIN' 'BOUT FOREVER *

AFTER ALL,

YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN ANSWER FOR YOUR SINS.

* YES, OF COURSE

* I REMEMBER, HOW COULD I FORGET? *

* HOW COULD I FORGET HOW YOU FEEL? *

WELL, COME ON, DO YOU THINK THAT MY MOM'S RIGHT,

THAT STEVEN WAS JUST ANOTHER IN MY LONG LINE OF LIFE RAFTS?

I DON'T KNOW. DO YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE DROWNING WITHOUT HIM?

WE PROBABLY BOTH NEED TO LEARN HOW TO SWIM.

* IT WON'T EVER GET OLD, NOT IN MY SOUL *

OH, COME ON. HOW IS THAT FAIR?

I GET DUMPED OVER OUR SEX TAPE, AND YOU GET GIRLS?

WHAT CAN I SAY? THEY LIKE WHAT THEY SAW.

WELL, THEY DIDN'T SEE YOUR PLAID BOXERS, CLEARLY.

HEY, THOSE ARE MY FAVORITES.

I REMEMBER, FROM FOUR YEARS AGO.

* THINK SO FAR

YOU WANT MORE PIE?

HEY, EXCUSE ME. SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

UH, COULD WE GET SOME MORE--

WHAT DO YOU WANT, PECAN OR APPLE CRISP?

BOTH.

AND BANANA CREAM?

THANK YOU.

* 'CAUSE I BEEN THINKIN' 'BOUT FOREVER *

HEY, THANKS FOR BEING HUMILIATED WITH ME.

ONCE YOU'VE ANSWERED FOR YOUR SINS,

THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WAY

OF STARTING A WHOLE NEW PARTNERSHIP.

X.O.X.O., GOSSIP GIRL.