Original subtitles

Look, I already said I was sorry, pal. So take it or leave it.

Either way, I think we should probably check if you still have toes.

(music plays quietly)

Break something in my flat.

What?

No. Seriously.

Break anything here and then we'll quits.

Pff... Fine.

All right, why do you, wa- Go on.

Fine. Anything.

I'll smash something here. Go on.

Yeah, I'm going to...

??

Do it.

I'm actually gonna do it.

Yeah? Seriously, I'm gonna smash it. Okay.

You ha-

Go on.

(grunting) I can't do it.

The teapot from Beauty and the Beast was my first crush.

Wait, wait, Mrs Potts? Yeah.

Okay, that would never work.

You'd smash her five minutes into the first date.

You think she'd put out on the first date?

No, I mean, you're clumsy as fuck. Yeah. Okay.

Probably knock her over filling up her wine glass.

Then I'd rebuild her.

Bride a Frankenstein job.

Glue her together from memory.

A spout with a handle used to be.

Aw, Mam, I've met someone. She's my most perfect creation.

Oh, look, my weird one was I had this wallpaper by my bed,

and right by my pillow, there was this boy fox.

He had a little yellow jumper

and a tuft of hair to show that he was a boy.

And I was in love with him.

You loved him? No, I loved him.

He was the love of my life.

Basically, I think it was the first day of sixth class,

I came home and my parents had

stripped the wallpaper and painted my room as a surprise.

No. Yes! I cried for like a whole week.

It was so sad.

(inhales) I've actually never told anyone... before.

(exhales) Was...

this him?

Oh, my God. My fox.

My boy. How did you find him?

So, yeah, this is genuinely the only thing I'm good doing.

That's not true.

And like, give me your number, and I'll send it to you.

Okay. Yeah, fine.

(phone pings) Oh.

Ehh... Hey, man, just thinking there.

They should change the name of newspaper headlines

to newspaper headlies.

They're lying to us. Wake up.

All right, I should go then.

Okay.

(pot clatters)

I guess we're quits now.

? I hide my shit in the closet...?

I'll save you the time, perv.

9 centimetres, flaccid.

Maybe 11 this time of day.

Maybe. 162 centimetres.

Hey, how's your foot?

Yeah, I think you're right. It's just bruised.

The plushy doggy head took most of the damage.

How's the company going? Ehh...

Yeah, solid gold.

What are you doing in my room?

Do you know the way it's been feeling a bit cramped in here lately?

Jack's here too much, all right?

Well, it's going to get a whole lot smaller when the little one arrives.

What are you- No. (phone ringing)

Sorry, yeah, I know.

Hello. Oh my God! You're pregnant!

Yeah. Oh! Yeah! Oh.

We're going to wait to tell you until after the baby, but I mean...

Sorry. (PHONE) Hey, can you hear me?

Hey, are you there or not?

Yeah, I'm here. 4837.

Anyway, I was like, you're cancelling the gig?

And he says, no, I've been cancelled.

Apparently, he was putting on the accent the whole time.

So with the laughing Pakistani gone, I need you to do 40 minutes instead of 15.

So it'll be banter builder, then you.

Talk later, slack. (laughing)

(groaning) You guys gotta do that later. I got to write right now, okay?

Don't you have a psychiatrist appointment in 20 minutes?

Fuck!

Christ.

It's 406 centimetres.

(clock ticks)

(exhales heavy)

Sorry.

Monkey. No.

So I'm going to keep this brief.

I had a look through your questionnaire,

and I think I can safely say without a shadow of a doubt

that you

don't have ADHD.

Now, I understand you have concerns and

face difficulties, but...

I mean, so does everybody.

And your behaviour regarding managing time or maintaining focus

likely stems from where you place your value.

Okay?

I mean, there's nothing wrong with somebody who wants to spend all morning

frittering away their time on the phone, doomscrolling TikTok

while sitting on the toilet until your legs go numb.

But I mean, I can't then give you a medical excuse

as to why you missed the bus.

Okay?

I mean, we all do things that don't interest us.

That's just life, unfortunately.

Okay.

Well, thank you for that, Richard.

We won't keep you.

Have you tried going for long walks or maybe getting a calendar app?

Or maybe just try not being such a fucking loser all the time?

? (electronic music)

There he is. How's it going? Hey, man.

Great to finally meet the slag that squirted all those punters in the door.

Aw-haw... Rotten.

So look, I've decided that tonight, it's just yourself.

You're headlining. What?

Why? Mate, listen. (muffled cheers)

They're all here to see you. I've never seen anything like it.

That's why.

Also, the banter builders after getting cancelled.

Something about a bichon fris� fighting ring.

To be honest with you, I'm not even sure he's a licenced tradesman.

Headlining? I've to go.

Okay.

I got this.

Okay.

HA! Okay.

I got this.

(low thudding) CROWD: Whoaaaaaaa!

Waa-ha-ha-hoo!

(crowd screaming) Yeah!

Well, thank you so much for coming out to the Woke Shop tonight.

CROWD: Yeaaaah!

(grunting yell)

The only place where you can't say anything wrong.

(crowd shout and clap)

OHHH! What else, what else is going on?

(shallow breathing) I got myself one of those

real dolls in the sex shop.

(crowd cheer) Oh and fellas,

I think I'm in love. (crowd cheer)

Whoa! Real wife material, you know what I mean?

(rowdy cheers) Amazing body.

Great ass. CROWD: Yeah!

(exhales) But best of all lads, get close...

Get close... (shallow breathing)

No voice. HA!

(rowdy cheering and shouting)

Yeah-haaaaaa!

Oh! I'm only Joe Kane. Wooo! (crowd cheer)

(growling) Lads, are yous ready for your first act of the night?

CROWD: Yeah!

Oh, making his Woke Shop debut, please give a warm welcome

to the English Mammy.

(rowdy cheers)

Just go with it.

(cheering and applause continue)

(audience settle)

(mic feedback)

(accent) Whooo... (crowd cheer)

Who left the bloody immersion on? (rowdy cheers)

Well, don't make me get that wooden spoon.

CROWD: Ooohhh. (cheering)

Wanking is mad, isn't it?

CROWD: YEAAAH! (laughter and cheering)

Here we go. Last one.

Oh. What's it going to be?

Is this one plain or spicy?

CROWD: Spicy, it's spicy!

That's right, it's spicy.

(crowd 'woo')

CROWD: Yeah! (clapping)

If that one seemed spicy for you,

I've got something might sell your stomach.

(rowdy cheering)

? I am gettin' so hot, I wanna take my clothes off...?

Flat 7Up.

(crowd yell and cheer)

(cheering)

Sl�n abhaile, you slags.

CROWD: (chanting) Mammy! Mammy! Mammy! Mammy! Mammy!

Thank you so much. Thanks, guys.

(chanting continues)

(laughing) Thank you.

You fucking killed it. Oh, Joe, man. Thank you so much.

I really appreciate. All that dirty old bitch stuff.

Mate... So fucking trash. No, no, man. It's satire.

It's the anti-broad comedy like Mrs. Brown's- Whatever.

Mate. I've never seen 'em laugh like that.

Doing Gangbusters on the live stream too. No.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

(maniacal laugh) Oh, he's made it.

Keep doing that geriatric slut shit, and we are going to make millions.

Ohh... I have to go.

There he is. Hey.

Hey. Man, they loved it.

What did you guys think?

I didn't know that's what you thought was funny.

It's satire. I don't know, dude.

What did you think, Rebecca?

That was awful. Oh.

You're not who I thought you were.

You're not funny, and you're a bad person.

? (tense music)

I hate you.

And your arse is on backwards.

(screaming)

(all laugh maliciously)

(music, laughter and screaming continue)

Son. Me and the pirate are lovers.

And it's your hand. Ahoy!

(music, laughter and screaming continue)

(screaming)

? I hide my shit in the closet.

? I got some space if you want it.?

That's crazy. That was crazy dream man.

Hey, you want a... Whoaaaa. AH! You okay?

Good? Yeah, yeah, I'm good. Yeah, sorry.

Okay. Sorry, I had a...

I had a dream I was shagging a pirate.

Oh, how was the panging? Yeah, it was good.

Could have done without him whispering

'arse matey' in my ear.

That means you're worried about money.

No, it means he's bisexual or anxious,

actually, about the big gig.

How's the prep going? Um...

I'm actually...

not gonna do the gig.

(exhales) Oh my God, thank God. Jesus Christ, Oh my God.

I've been so worried all week.

He's insane! I was so sick all week thinking about it, honestly.

He's one of these podcast bro guys. What the fuck are even going to say up there?

But you were still going to go?

Yeah, of course.

It was important to you. She was going to make me come, so.

Ahh! Oh, right. Yes. Yeah.

He said come there. Yeah, he did.

I'm still going to do something tonight, though.

Oh, cool. I'll text you about it later.

Okay. Great.

Great. Cool.

You have still got that psychiatrist appointment at 11:00, by the way,

so maybe leave about 10:00. Thank you.

Hey.

Proud of you.

It's only 9:00 AM.

So look, this isn't a proper consultation.

The backlog for assessment is huge.

You could be waiting anything from 6 months to a year

before I could properly diagnose you.

However, based on your questionnaire

and the observer report that your childhood friend, Lauren filled out,

I think it is likely that you have ADHD.

And have shown symptoms stemming from childhood.

Now, it's going to be a while before I can say that officially,

and even longer before we can look at treatment.

But I just thought you might like to know just where we're at.

Okay?

? (low atmospheric music)

Okay, so you're on the waitlist, and he said if there's any

cancellations, he'll let us know.

Cool.

Thanks, Mam. Sorry.

Sorry, I know you hate that.

Good boy.

??

(dial tone)

Oh-ho, the big English granny herself.

Eh, Joe, I need to cancel tonight.

You've been cancelled too?

Fuck me.

Just had the same call from the laughing Pakistani.

The left have taken up arms.

We will not go gentle until that good night.

No, no, I'm cancelling the gig.

And I'm not only Joe Kane, brother.

It's just not my kinda gig.

Those lips must have some serious shit on you, mate.

Say no more.

We'll have you back home when this blows over.

While I have you, I'm still funding a company pilot about

an Irish couple who moved next door to a family of foreigners.

It's called uncle and auntie immigration. We're currently at 140...

(call end tone) Oh, Jesus Christ.

I gotta do a gig now.

I gotta do a gig. Jokes. What's the deal with dog shoes?

??

(low chatter)

(laughter)

Hey! C'mere!

Ooooh. (laughing)

How you feeling? Pwah. Really?

Oh. Got you zero, so you nail it.

Aww. Thanks, man.

Wait, hang on. Cheers. Ah.

ALL: (goofy voices) Cheers.

You drinking water? What, are you on antibiotics or something?

No, I'm pregnant and it's his cum.

(she laughs) Lauren!

Lauren!

Sorry, you're going to shake it out. You're an idiot.

I'm so happy for you guys.

I know you guys have been trying. Thank you.

Because the walls are super fucking thin. Oh, fuck off.

How do you want me to intro you?

Oh, em... Em, just as me.

Just as you. Okay.

He's brilliant.

(cheers and applause) Thank you, thank you, thank you for the intro.

Welcome back to Rental. Did you all have a nice break?

CROWD: Yeah! These two ladies definitely enjoyed the break.

See the old sneachta in the nose there?

You don't get it? That's the Irish word for snow.

(laughter) Ohhh. Oh!

Remember that? I don't think I'm gonna do that tonight.

The next act, very exciting, actually, is not just his debut here at Silly Billy,

it's his debut stand-up comedy ever, ever, ever.

(cheers) So let's get a bit of energy going.

Sneachta ladies, all the rest, all the rest.

(cheers and applause) Please welcome to the stage, eh, this guy.

Aw. I really should have said my name.

(cheers and applause)

Irish weather's mad isn't it, it's weird.

So today was really warm.

I wasn't expecting it to be. And the air was really muggy.

In fact, it was so muggy, I almost gave it my wallet.

(Lauren laughs)

Thanks, ma'am. No, it's not my Mam. Ma's not here.

I told her about the gig, she didn't want to come. Em, it's fine.

No, that's Lauren, my flatmate.

Lauren and Jack, my flatmates are here.

(scattered 'woos')

Great. Thank you for the woo.

No, they've been really nice and supportive to me.

I moved in with them last year after my divorce,

and they gave me a great deal.

Cheap rent, but I have to listen to them ride.

(laughter)

Boo.

No, no. They are full on, honestly, when they ride.

I was there for the first few months.

I thought there was a seagull trapped in the walls.

Sorry about that. It was very uncomfortable for you.

No, but getting back out there has been really interesting and fun.

And I was seeing this girl

and we went on a date and it was all going really nice.

And then at the end of the date, she ran over my foot with her car.

And let me tell you, the next morning, boy, were my dogs barking.

Fuck. I forgot to, sorry, I forgot to say that the shoes had dogs on them.

They were like designer shoes I got in my last job.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, I think that's my time.

Eh, thank you so much. (cheers and applause)

Not bad at all, right? Yeah, pretty good.

It was so good. You weren't shit.!

Thank you. That's exactly what I was going for.

For God's sake. What do you feel? I don't know. I really want to do it again.

You're a natural like. You were genuinely like so, like you were in it.

Yeah. It's like you've been doing it for years.

Don't tell- Hey, hey, hey. Shut up, please.

Thank you very much. (laughing) You know.

Listen, we are going to have another act going on

and I'm very excited about it.

I know that you're all here for the same reason.

All right, this is it.

I'm going to bring up the next act and I want you to give... (dialogue fades)

? (pensive music)

You know her, you love her.

Will you please welcome back to the Silly Billy stage,

Becky Warhol. (cheers and applause)

Thank you so much.

It's been a bit of a shit week till I got here.

But then when I was arriving, some old guy outside told me to smile

more and just completely turned it around.

(audience laugh) It was amazing.

Yeah, it's been a rough time.

My sister, who's my best friend, she just moved to Australia.

So eh... Yeah. CROWD: Aww.

It's pretty tough finding out your sister is a basic bitch.

(laughter)

I did meet this new lad, actually.

CROWD: Wooo. Yeah, thanks.

He took me to an automatic car wash for our first date.

Romance is not dead.

And there's no joke here. He opened the window halfway through.

I shit you not.

I just sat there Sir, if this is your idea of getting me wet...

(laughter and cheers)

Yeah, he's good material, though.

??

Will I go on one more date and let you know how it goes?

(crowd woo)

Yeah, I don't know. Ah, please.

Shut the fuck up. Sorry.

Sorry, everyone. Sorry about that.

Sorry about that.

Go on.

? Standing in the door of the Pink Flamingo, crying in the rain.

? It was a kind of so so love, and I'm

? gonna make sure it never happens again.

? You and I, it had to be

? the standing joke of the year.

? You were a sleep around,

? lost and found, and not for me, I fear.?

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