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♪

- Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome to the stage Fahim Anwar!

[cheers and applause]

- Thank you.

Thank you.

[cheers and applause]

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for coming to my special, guys.

Really cool to be shooting it here in L.A.

I've lived here for, like, ten years now,

and I don't love it,

just because everyone out here is trying to make it, you know.

Everyone's delusional.

Like, you could walk up to any random person in Hollywood

and be like, "Hey, I'm a big fan."

And they'd be like, "Thank you."

"Thank you, really appreciate it."

Even if they were just a walker on "The Walking Dead."

They'd be like, "You're familiar with my work, yeah.

Does this ring a bell?"

[scream-hissing]

"That's me.

"That's me, bro.

"Lot of lozenges that day, you know?

Just got to coat the throat."

It's so funny.

Like, nobody wants to grow up out here.

Everyone has Peter Pan Syndrome.

That's why everyone dresses so weird in L.A.

It's like everyone's closet in Hollywood

is just a lost-and-found box.

You know?

They're like, "All right, Friday night, what do we got?

"We'll do vest with no shirt on.

"Sombrero in ski boots.

All right."

Everyone on Sunset Boulevard

just looks like a Sims character.

"Hey, what's up, you want to fuck?

"No, all right, keep walking.

"What's up, you want to fuck?

"No, all right, same as-- okay, yeah.

Don't get discouraged."

I live a little outside of Hollywood.

I live in Koreatown.

[cheering]

Yeah.

You know you're not doing well when you live

in another ethnic group's town.

There's this McDonald's I'll go to sometimes,

just to get out of the house.

And...

You got to break up the day, you know?

So I go there, I get a tea,

the guy gives me the tea,

and I go, "Do you have any honey?"

And he goes, "Honey?"

Like I just blew his mind.

Like he's never heard of that combo before.

I go, "Yeah, honey."

He goes, "Mm, let me check."

He goes in the back for way too long.

I don't see him for, like, 20 minutes.

And then he pops out and he goes,

"We've got, like, honey mustard."

Like, why-- why would you suggest that?

Like that's even an option.

Is anyone like, "Oh, yeah, that's the same shit.

"Yeah, bring that out.

"Do you have any barbecue sauce or chipotle mayo?

"I'm trying to make the most disgusting cup of tea

"ever known to man.

"Do you have a raw hot dog you could plop into there?

"The tea will cook it.

It'll be like a fucked up version of pho."

Like, that went through several logic gates in his mind,

and he was still like, "We got honey mustard,

"in case you got, like, a coffee filter

"and you can, like, filter out the mustard.

"Maybe you got, like, a butane lighter

"and you can burn off the mustard.

"You can MacGyver some honey out of this, dog.

"Just don't give up.

I believe in you."

I was walking around my neighborhood.

It was a super sunny day,

and then it just started raining out of nowhere,

like, really hard.

And I passed this block,

and there was this Mexican dude selling all these umbrellas.

And I was like, that was pretty fast.

Like, where did he get all those umbrellas that fast?

And then I realized, Mexicans in L.A.

are just always selling what you need

before you even know you need it.

You ever been on a romantic dinner date with a girl,

and then out of nowhere, they're just like, "Roses?

Hmm...roses?"

Just like the "Duck Hunt" dog.

Just, "Roses?"

You'll be coming out of a club at 2:00 a.m.,

like, "Oh, fuck, man, I'm starving."

"Tacos?"

[hissing]

"Tacos that I grill on a shopping cart?"

[hissing]

Business was slow over here.

[hissing]

I like how no one will eat at a B-rated restaurant,

but they'll eat at shopping cart tacos all day.

"Ah...it's all good, dude.

"Oh, dude, ten tacos for a nickel.

"That's crazy dude. How do they...

It's nuts."

They're just always selling what you need

before you even know you need it, you know?

Like, your plane could be going down,

you look in the aisle, there's a Mexican guy like,

"Parachute?"

[laughter and applause]

"Parachute.

Senor, parachute for the lady?"

[laughter and applause]

[mumbling gently]

"It's good to do... for the lady."

There's a lot of pigeons in my neighborhood.

I like pigeons.

Pigeons are like the hipsters of birds,

because they have the ability to fly

but choose not to.

They're like, "What are you, flying?"

"Yeah, I used to do that.

This is my new jam."

I was sitting on a bench in my neighborhood

in front of this, like, huge flight of stairs,

and I thought this pigeon was gonna,

like, flap down all of them,

but he literally just took the stairs.

Then he looked at me and he went, "Leg day."

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to whip this French fry

into smaller pieces with my beak."

Some people don't like pigeons.

They think they're a nuisance.

You know, like flies.

Nobody gives a shit about flies.

You'll swat them, be like, "Fuckin' get out of here."

But we don't do that with bees, really, right?

Because bees have the ability to sting you,

so there's a level of respect.

A bee is basically a fly with a gun.

People act the same way too, like, "Oh, shit, it's a bee.

Just let it do whatever it wants."

"We don't have any honey, okay?

"Just leave us alone.

"Here's an empty Coke can.

Just fucking leave."

The bee's like, "Well, well, well...

"What do we got here?

"Oh, this potato salad?

"You don't mind if I walk around all over it

right quick, do you?"

[squelching]

"What you gonna do about it?

"Yeah, that's right.

[squelching]

"This is my picnic now.

Fuck your Sunday."

[buzzes]

Just flies away.

This is a fun show.

This is, like, ideal for stand-up,

like, you know, great crowd.

I had to do stand-up on a hip-hop show recently,

which was the worst,

because it's a very different energy, you know.

Everybody was wilin' out for the hip-hop.

They were like...

[beat-boxing]

"Put your hands up!

"Put your hands up!

All right, now we've got a stand-up comedian."

I'm like, "Hey, how's everybody doing tonight?

"Y'all ready to have way less fun?

"Y'all ready to bring the energy way down?

"Bust out your sleeping bags,

'cause it's about to get drowsy up in here."

That's like a girl jerking a dude off

and he's like, "Ugh, I'm about to come."

She's like, "Before you do, please welcome Fahim Anwar!"

"Hey, what's up?

"I know you're getting jerked off right now,

"but these are some things I was thinking about earlier today.

"Just want to run them by you before you jizz,

if that's cool."

I had to do stand-up on an urban show recently.

And urban show is a little different

than, like, a regular stand-up show.

First of all, there's always a DJ in the background.

And sometimes he'll chime in.

Sometimes he'll be like, "Ha-ha,"

or, "That's crazy."

I noticed all the comics, whenever they got introduced,

they wouldn't just come up and do their jokes.

They would, like, dance for a little bit beforehand.

The emcee would be like,

"All right, I want y'all to make it loud

for D Ram!"

[beat-boxing]

"DJ, cut that shit."

[trilling]

"Yeah, how y'all feeling tonight?

Y'all good?"

Every single one of them did that.

I went first on the show.

I didn't know that was an option.

Next time I get booked on the show,

I want to do that but, like, dance for way to long.

They're like, "All right, I want y'all to make it loud

for Fahim Anwar!"

[beat-boxing]

[beat-boxing continues]

[beat-boxing continues]

[cheers and applause]

[beat-boxing continues]

"DJ, cut that shit."

[trilling]

Yeah.

[cheers and applause]

"Yeah, how y'all feeling tonight?

Y'all--oh, I'm out of time?"

"I danced for too long?

Oh, my bad."

I like hip-hop.

I like old-school hip-hop.

Like, they were playing "Ain't No Fun" the other day,

and it just hit me, like, hip-hop when I was growing up,

I feel like, was way more vulgar than it is today.

There's a part in that song

where Snoop Dogg, he goes...

♪ Guess who's back in the motherfuckin' house ♪

♪ With a fat dick for your motherfucking mouth ♪

It's just so unnecessary, you know?

Like, the song works without that.

But Snoop's like, "Nah, it stays."

I feel like an old man when it comes to hip-hop nowadays.

I'm like, "You kids with your Kendrick Lamars,

"trying to bring about social change.

"Back in my day, we rapped about jizzing on faces.

"That's the rap music I know.

"We rapped about gargling ball sacks.

"It was a simpler time in the '90s.

"I would hop on my friend's pegs and go to Circuit City

"to get to my music.

"And if he didn't have pegs,

"I'd have to balance on two tiny screws.

"And if he went over a puddle, I would gash my calf,

lay down in the Safeway parking lot."

I grew up on Death Row Records.

[cheering]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like, anything they put out, I would buy.

What I love about Death Row is,

they would just have random women sing the hook, right?

Like, nowadays, it'll always be "featuring Beyonce"

or "featuring Rihanna."

They would just have random women.

Like, nobody knows the chick who goes...

♪ Doggy Doggy Doggy Dahhh

♪ Doggy Daaahg

Nobody knows who the fuck that is.

She's just out there.

She's just mopping the floor at Arby's.

"You know I'm the 'Doggy Dogg' girl?

From the '90s."

You forget too, though.

Like, remember skits?

Skits used to be such a big part of the rap album.

And a lot of the skits were just sound effects

of them having sex with women.

Like, on Dr. Dre's "The Chronic,"

there's an entire track where all you hear is...

[squelching]

"Yeah, you like that?"

[squelching]

"Yeah, the doctor's in."

[squelching]

How are they getting that audio?

Is there a boom guy in the bedroom?

Like...

"Getting some great stuff, Dre.

"Just keep pounding away.

You're gonna like what you hear."

Also, how insecure do you have to be, as a rapper,

to put that on your album?

Like, "Yo, you don't think I'm fucking?

Track eight."

It's like, you don't need to do that.

You're Dr. Dre.

Everyone assumes you're having a ton of sex.

Like, rock stars have been around for ages.

They don't do that.

You'll never listen to a Beatles album

and after "Twist and Shout," you just hear,

"Hey, I'm Paul McCartney,

and I'm getting my dick sucked right now."

[slurping]

"It feels wonderful!"

[slurping]

"Hey, Ringo, you got to get in on this.

This girl's slobbering all our knobs."

[slurping]

I saw "Straight Outta Compton," the NWA movie.

You guys see that?

Yeah, it's a great movie.

You kind of forget that it's a period piece,

because it takes place in the mid-'90s.

It feels very current, though.

It feels very today.

But there's one part in the movie

where you're reminded that it's the mid-'90s.

And it's when Eazy-E is in the hospital

and the doctor tells him he has HIV,

because he looks up at the doctor and he goes,

"But I ain't no faggot!"

And nobody corrects him.

Nobody's like, "Eazy, that's a term

you can't really use anymore."

Even the doctor was like,

"Faggot or not, I'm afraid you have HIV."

"Sorry, Eazy."

I saw it in the movie theaters.

I like whenever I'm at a movie theater

and somebody has to cut across.

What I'll do is, like, I'll fake tuck in.

I'll just do my upper half.

"Yeah, you got enough room?

"Yeah, you should have enough room now.

"You good?

"Yeah, it's all you, bro.

Yeah, not a problem at all."

Like, I pick up on movie clichés,

just as a comedian.

Those are, like, my favorite things.

These are some of my favorite movie clichés.

There's always that scene in a movie

where a girl and a guy,

they get back to one of their places,

and they're making out like...

like, ripping each other's clothes off so fast.

Like, what's the rush?

The only time I've ever gotten home

and taken my pants off that fast is to take an emergency shit.

"Oh, fuck, oh, shit.

"Oh, fuck!

"Oh!

"Oh, oh...

"Oh-ho-ho, god.

Oh...oh.."

There's, like, a split second before it becomes

a story only you know about.

"Oh!

"Oh-ho-ho.

"Oh...

Too close."

Usually it's your own fault too.

You'll have, like, five cups of coffee

and then hit the freeway during rush hour.

You're like... [gurgling]

"Ah!

"Dah, move!

"Go!

"Not like this.

Ugh...ugh!"

You start forming a contingency plan

in the event you do shit your pants.

"Okay, I need somewhere with a secluded area.

Is there a marina nearby where I could Dexter these pants?"

Just in a speedboat with no pants on.

[revving and splashing noises]

Tie your khakis to a cinder block.

"Good-bye, my dark passenger."

[splashing noise]

Another scene I like is when, like, they're making love in bed

and the guy's on top like...

[soft moaning]

And then his phone rings like...

[trilling]

"Where were we?"

[smooching]

[trilling]

"I got to take this."

That would never happen in real life.

Once a guy starts, nothing can derail him.

There could be an earthquake.

Like, "Shouldn't we get under a doorframe?"

"Buh!

"If we die, we die.

[grunts]

Sometimes my house shakes."

"Your house shakes?"

"Yeah, I'm by railroad tracks."

"Is that a gas leak?"

"No, I farted. Stay where you are.

Don't move."

Also, nobody talks about protection in the movies.

Is everyone just straight-up raw-dogging?

They're just like...

[grunts]

I guess it's not as good a movie if she's like,

"Hey, do you have a condom?"

And he's like, "Uh, uh, yeah.

"Ugh...

"Buh...

"Ah, fuck, I can never tell...

"Ah, I'm losing my boner, fuck! Aah-ooh.

"I guess we don't fuck in this movie.

Maybe in the sequel."

Isn't it crazy how many sperm cells there are,

and there's just one egg?

That's high-stakes drama, right there.

That should be a reality show.

"Millions of sperm, one egg.

"Who will be the baby?

"Last week, we left off with Chad

"swimming around in a circle.

Will he get out of this pinch?"

They'd have cool profile intros on all the sperm cells.

"What's up, my name's Trevor.

"I'm from the left nut sack.

And I'm gonna fertilize the egg."

"Hello, my name is Christopher,

"and I'm not here to make friends.

I'm gonna fertilize the egg."

Whenever they get kicked off,

they have to do that into-camera confessional.

He's like, "You know, obviously,

"you know, I didn't want to end up on the bed sheet.

"Oh, fuck.

Turn the cameras off, fuck."

Somebody told me I look like their Uber driver the other day.

Like, why would you tell somebody that?

That's something you keep inside your brain.

What compels someone to be like, "No, he has to know"?

Everybody takes Uber and Lyft nowadays.

I feel sorry for cab drivers.

But they're trying to trick people, like,

"No, this Uber."

I'm like, "Why is your car yellow?"

"Just fucking don't worry about it.

Get in."

Everybody takes Uber and Lyft

because it's slightly cheaper than a cab.

But what you save in money,

you pay for in conversation.

You'll be halfway through your trip and be like,

"You know, I guess I never really did

get over my parents' divorce."

I don't understand.

People will talk to their Lyft drivers all day,

but if their cab drivers were like,

"What do you do for work?"

they'd be like, "Enough with the chit-chat, Ahmed!

I don't pay you to talk."

Did you ever think that one day your cab drivers

would just be random people with free time on their hands?

Never.

How do you not know that one day your house won't be on fire

and some 21-year-old kid with a smartphone will show up like,

"Hey, what's up, I'm your firefighter.

"I was the closest one to the blaze.

"Don't worry, I brought a Super Soaker, stand back.

Oh, the pressure's building up. It's a good sign."

[hissing]

"Fuck, the fire's a lot bigger than I thought it would be."

The problem with Uber and Lyft

is that it's made getting into random cars so commonplace.

You'll get into a truck.

You'll get into an SUV.

You'll get into a Smart car.

Like, I could take my car tonight,

just go to a bar at 2:00 a.m.,

be like, "Hey, somebody get an Uber?"

Some drunk guy will be like, "Catch you guys later.

"It's here.

"Hey, what's up, man?

Take me."

And I could just drive to the woods

and murder this guy.

He would just be on his phone the whole time.

"Wait, this isn't West Hollywood.

"Agh!

Agh-agh!"

[hissing]

So, you know, I'm in L.A.

I do stand-up. That's my main thing.

But I'll audition for stuff as well.

And it's not going very well.

I'm getting a lot of one-and-dones.

They'll be like, "That was great.

Thanks for coming in."

I'm like, "Really?

It didn't feel great."

"No, it was really good."

Like, their face gets more contorted

the more they're lying to you.

"No, it was so good.

"You crushed it, thank you!

"So please leave.

"My face hurts.

I can't keep this up."

[grunting, screaming]

I want to talk about one audition I had

for the Disney Channel.

So I went out for the role of Q-Pop,

who was a hip-hop dance instructor.

So there was two parts of the audition.

The first part was like a regular audition.

They had lines and scenes.

And then the second part, they wanted you to dance,

because it's a hip-hop dance instructor.

So I finished the first part of the audition,

and the guy looks up at me, and he goes,

"Now dance for us."

Like a Roman emperor.

The only way it would have been more belittling

is if he bit into a peach.

"Dance for us."

[moaning]

"The juices."

[moaning]

"Bring me another peach.

I've hit the pit."

And they didn't have any music in the audition.

No boom box.

They just wanted to make it as sad as possible.

So I'm just dancing...

in utter silence.

All you could literally hear

was just the rustling of my clothes.

And some of you don't know this about me,

but I used to be an aerospace engineer.

I worked at Boeing for about 3 1/2 years

before I quit to do stand-up full-time.

You ever been outside your body,

observing a situation in a moment in your life?

There was a point during the audition

where I was like,

"You used to build airplanes."

"What the fuck is wrong with you?"

And then I just body-rolled out of the audition.

[laughter and applause]

Thank you.

Little bit about me.

Both my parents are from Afghanistan.

[cheering]

That never gets that response when I do the road.

You could hear a pin drop normally when I say that.

White people don't know this,

but I'm like the Tom Cruise of Afghanistan.

No, I'm just kidding.

There's an Afghan version of "Top Gun."

I was the star.

I mean, it's not a big deal.

No, I'm just kidding.

Yeah, parents are from Afghanistan.

It's the worst time to be a brown person

in America right now.

It's very strange being the most feared ethnic group

in the country.

It's like, move over, black people.

There's a new kid in town.

Thanks for keeping the seat warm.

No, I take that back.

One on one, you'd probably be

more afraid of a black guy than you would me.

Like, if it was a dark alley in the middle of the night,

you'd be more afraid of him than me.

But on public transportation...

I feel like I win that one,

especially if I was using a Nokia cell phone

from the early '90s.

"I'm playing Snake, bro.

Don't worry about it."

Nobody with an iPhone blows themselves up, right?

You're like, this guy's on a two-year contract, at least.

We're safe.

But if it's a shitty flip phone, you're like,

"This guy is pay-as-you-go.

"He's got nothing to lose.

"Boost Mobile?

Let's get the fuck out of here!"

Very over-protective parents.

You know, I have to fly around a lot doing stand-up.

And whenever my mom finds out about a gig,

she'll call me up the night before.

She'll be like, "I want your flight number.

"I want the name of the hotel you're staying at.

I want the phone number of the comedy booker."

I'm like, "What are you gonna do with this info?

"You live all the way in Seattle.

Like, if I die, I die."

My mom thinks she's Liam Neeson from "Taken."

Like, if something were to happen to me,

she would just call the comedy booker up like,

"I have a very special set of skills."

He's like, "What are you gonna do?

You're just a mom."

"Look behind you."

"What?"

"No one fucks with my son."

I'm like, "Mom, thank god I gave you his contact info.

"Untie me.

Sorry, boys, but I tell my mom everything."

[laughter and applause]

Growing up, I was never allowed to partake in sleepovers,

which is a very--

See?

You know what I'm talking about.

White people are like, "Why?

That makes no sense."

It's a very American thing to do.

It's not a big deal.

But I wasn't allowed to, and the reason being--

this is a very Middle Eastern fear--

is, my parents thought that I would get molested.

These are my best friends that I've known for years and years.

I was like, "Dad, I'm not gonna get molested."

And my dad is like, "Don't sell yourself short."

"You're a very attractive child."

And I was like, "You're just saying that

"'cause you're my dad.

You don't really mean it."

And he's like, "No, pedophiles would kill

"to get in those OshKosh B'Goshes.

I mean, if I wasn't your dad, I mean..."

No, I'm just kidding, come on.

Growing up, my dad, he would always mistake video games

for real things that were happening on TV.

All the time.

Like, me and my brother would be playing "NBA Jam,"

and my dad would walk into the room and be like,

"Oh, the Lakers are playing the Celtics."

Then one of us would dunk from half court,

and he'd be like, "Wow!

"Wow!

"That guy just did 17 front flips

"before slam dunking.

"That guy's good.

"What, the net is on fire from a jump shot?

"This is the greatest game I've ever seen in my life.

"What is this 'boom shakalaka'

"the reporter keeps on talking about?

Why is Will Smith on the Lakers?"

It must have been super awkward for him

the following day at work by the water cooler.

He's like, "You guys see that game last night?

"It had to be on SportsCenter, that 17-front-flip dunk?

"Then this Italian guy got in the go-kart

"and was driving around town.

"There's banana peels everywhere.

"There's a big turtle shell epidemic.

Be careful out there."

I'm curious.

Who out here is dating?

Anybody dating?

Clap if you're dating.

[applause]

Yeah.

I've realized dating is essentially guys

just pretending to have way more money than they really do.

That's all it is.

Like, we'll take you to some fancy French restaurant,

then we'll take you to go see a play.

Even after all of that, a lot of times,

a girl still won't like you,

which stings, as a man,

because that means she's not even

into the rich version of you.

Women like tall guys.

I always hear that.

They'll be like, "I need a tall man.

I like to feel safe."

It's 2016, you don't live in the fucking jungle.

Such a bullshit excuse.

Just say you like tall guys, you know?

What if titties make me feel safe?

Also, ladies, you can't claim to be taller than me

if you can't even walk in the shoes

that make you taller than me.

They'll be like, "I don't date short guys.

"If you'll excuse me--oh, fuck.

"Oh, shit.

"Oh, fuck--oh!

I'm still taller--oh!"

That's my favorite thing in the world,

just watching women in high heels

walk down steep hills,

'cause it's like a baby calf being born.

Why are your hands always in front of you too?

Like, you're gonna Tony Stark your way out of it?

[whooshing]

"J.A.R.V.I.S., set coordinates for the club."

[whooshing]

Women like romantic comedies.

I always hear that too.

You'll watch them and be like,

"How come guys don't act like that in real life?"

But you don't want that.

You would be super turned off

if guys acted like that in real life.

Like, if I walked up to you and I was like,

"I can't sleep without you.

"I can't eat.

I need you in my life!"

They'd be like, "What the fuck is wrong with this guy?"

[applause]

"This guy is way too into me.

It's too much pressure."

The only time guys act like they're in romantic comedies

is when a bunch of us are together

and one of us gets a text message

with the promise of sex.

We'll be hanging out, and just out of nowhere, like...

[buzzing noise]

"Yo, this chick says she's at my place

and wants to rip my pants off."

And everyone's like, "What are you doing?

Go after her!"

"Go to her.

She's the one."

I feel like, generally, women are kind of skeptical,

just always, like, questioning things.

Even guys you really like, just always questioning things.

You'll be on a date with a girl,

overlooking the city skyline, and be like,

"Hey, isn't this beautiful?"

She'll be like,

"Do you do this with all the girls?"

Just fucking enjoy the view.

"Is that your move?

You go on dates with girls and try to have sex with them?"

Yeah.

That's my move.

That's every guy's move.

Guys don't question things.

If a guy's getting a BJ behind a Chipotle dumpster,

he's not like, "Whoa-whoa-whoa, wait a second.

"Do you do this with all the guys?

"Is that your move?

"You just give beejes behind dumpsters?

"I don't want to be another notch on your belt, Becky.

I thought I was a snowflake, but I'm just like the rest."

There could be a line, and we wouldn't care.

Like, "Hey, what's up?

"Is this thing moving fast or slow?

Cool."

I remember one time, I went on a date,

and at the end of the date, I went in for the kiss,

and then I got the pull-back.

Nothing makes you feel like the Elephant Man

faster than the pull-back.

Like, "Agh, don't look at me!

[groaning]

"Please love me!

[groaning]

"Am I worthy of love?

"No?

Okay, sorry."

The one good thing about getting the pull-back

is, at least you know where you stand in the relationship.

You know, no one gets the pull-back and they're like,

"All right, so I'll see you sometime soon?"

No, you go, "It was nice knowing you."

[groaning]

"Which way to the cave?

This way?"

[groaning]

Just Google Maps.

[groaning]

Word of advice, fellas,

if you ever do go in for the kiss,

make sure you're at least in front of her place,

because one time, I got the pull-back

in a parking structure.

And I'm like, I still got to drive this chick home.

This is the most awkward car ride in my entire life.

The turn signal had never been louder.

[clicking]

[revving]

[clicking]

"A lot more turns than I remember there being.

It seems there's more turns on the way back."

When I went in for the kiss, she was like,

"What are you doing?

What are you--stop."

I go, "What do you mean, what am I doing?

"This is the fifth time we've hung out.

Like, how do you not know this might be on the way?"

Like, I hate when girls will play dumb

or be oblivious to situations they've put themselves in.

Like, some girls will be on Tinder and they'll write,

"If you're looking to hook up, keep looking."

Hey, you're on Tinder, not eHarmony.

That's like a girl being behind a glory hole

and being like, "I hope random cocks

"don't pop through this wall.

"I hope that doesn't happen.

"Why is it so hard to find a good man

behind this glory hole?"

A cock pops through with an engagement ring on it.

"Yes, random cock, a thousand times yes!

"Oh, it's the same girth as my finger.

It's kismet."

I was driving the other day,

and I was waiting for this guy

to cross in front of my car, you know.

And then he shoots me one of these.

He goes...

Like he's Magneto.

Like I'm trying to run him over but I can't.

[revving noise]

What the fuck?

"Not today."

You ever see somebody cross the street comically slow,

where you're like, this cannot be a real person?

How fucking slow this person is walking.

I had to wait for this elderly man.

Every step was a miracle.

Like, "Oh!

"I'm doing it!

Feet, don't fail me now."

He was walking so slow, a black guy passed him.

One time, I was waiting for a black guy to cross the street,

and he was just walking in place.

And then he took one step forward...

and then started moonwalking.

I'm like, "You're fucking going backwards!"

Like I said, I always have to fly around, doing shows.

And you ever been on a flight and you catch yourself

watching somebody else's movie for way too long?

I'm watching "Frozen" with no sound for 40 minutes.

It's in front of my own headrest,

but I'm like, "I like this version.

I'm already emotionally invested."

I hate flying Southwest the most,

just because they're, like, the funny airline.

Everybody who works there thinks they're a stand-up comedian,

which is aggravating as a stand-up comedian,

how easy the crowd is on a plane.

It's very hard to do this for a living,

but on a Southwest flight,

people just fucking give it up for anything.

They'll be like, "At this time, we'll have you turn off

all iPhones, BlackBerrys, and...blueberries."

And people are like...

[laughing hysterically]

"Is that a real phone model?

[laughing hysterically]

"That's a fruit.

"Those guys are like fucking Richard Pryor up there.

"Why are you a flight attendant?

Follow your dreams."

I always see families traveling together at the airport,

and parents will have their little kids

pulling these tiny Spider-Man suitcases

that are, like, this big.

Just pack for your kid.

Why does a toddler need his own suitcase?

I just picture this little kid

waking up in the morning in his racecar bed, like,

"Oh, no, I overslept for my flight to LaGuardia.

"Fuck.

"Let's see, I need my Ninja Turtles.

"A scoop of ice cream.

"It's a long flight. I might get hungry.

"Tell the shuttle to wait for me!

Tell the shuttle to wait!"

He's just sitting in the shuttle with a bag of Cheerios

like, "That was close."

"A little too close for comfort."

Isn't it crazy how much money we spend on plane tickets,

just to get treated like shit every step of the way?

I had to fly one time.

The airport was dead.

Nobody was there.

And they had that maze thing.

So I duck under.

And this woman goes, "Excuse me, sir...sir...

you need to go around."

And I'm like, "Nobody's here.

Just let me do this."

"You need to go around."

So I'm like, fuckin'...

"This?

"This is what you wanted?

"This is the battle that you've chosen for today?

"To watch a grown man go through a fucking maze?

"Ooh, a block of cheese.

"Mm...mm...

Mm..."

You ever have them swab your hands for bomb juice

when you're in line?

Just be like, "Not so fast, hands out.

All right, we'll see who the real you is."

Have they ever caught anybody with that machine?

Has there ever been a terrorist in line like,

"Oh, no, I forgot to wash my hands."

Then you've got to get into the body scanner, right?

Where they could see your dick.

They could totally see your dick.

There's just some guy behind a monitor

eating a bagel like, "Sweet dick, bro.

"Next!

"Nice tits, bitch.

"Next!

God, I love my job."

I don't want them to think I have a tiny dick

when I go through there.

So what I do is, like, I rev it up.

Before I hop in.

Just get it hot and ready like a Little Caesar's pizza,

you know?

But sometimes I go too far.

And then I'm just in there with a raging boner.

If that happens, though, I turn to the guy and I go,

"What can I say?

I love to fly."

"Get's me off."

I remember one time I got to the gate

for one of my flights,

and there was, like, five Middle Eastern dudes

in traditional garb, you know.

They had, like, gowns, turbans, beards.

And all the white people were freaking out.

They're just, like, sweating bullets,

like, "Fuck, it's going down."

And one of the guys, he confided in me.

He goes, "Hey, man, how come you're not nervous about this?"

And I was like, "Do you think if they were terrorists,

they'd be dressed up like that?"

Like, "Hey, we're going to blow up

"the Southwest flight tomorrow.

"So I should wear my extra-big turban?

"To fly under the radar?

"Should I bring my bowling ball with a wick coming out of it?

Should I do that?"

It's crazy.

There's a lot of Islamophobia going on nowadays.

Like, there's this ammunitions manufacturer in Idaho

that's selling pork-coated bullets

so that if you shoot and kill a Muslim person,

it'll prevent them from getting into paradise.

How much do you fear Muslims

when you're applying werewolf rules?

What do they think is gonna happen

if I get shot with one of those bullets?

I'm gonna be like...

[hissing, groaning wildly]

"Blagh, what's in these things?"

"Pork, motherfucker!"

"Blagh!

My only weakness!"

[groaning]

Do you think God is that technical too?

I'm up at the Pearly Gates, and he's like,

"Look, it's a shame you got murdered,

"but there was pork on those bullets.

I'd love to let you in, but rules are rules."

Ka-kunk.

"Aah!"

It's crazy, like, I'm not even that Muslim,

you know, but I find myself having to defend Islam a lot.

I got into an argument with a guy.

I was like, "Not every Muslim is a terrorist."

And he was like, "There's no white terrorists.

Don't see any white terrorists, bro."

And I was like, "Yeah, but you guys have mass shooters."

And he was like, "So do you."

I go, "Yeah, but we justgot into it."

Although, I will say, the closest thing

white people have to a terrorist is Timothy McVeigh,

the Oklahoma City bomber.

He's like the Eminem of terrorism.

He was so dope, even Middle Eastern people

were like, "You got to give it up.

"It's very good-- good timing, good execution.

"He's in my top five.

"It goes him, Chemical Ali, Mohamed Atta,

KRS-One for some reason got in there."

A couple years ago, I went to a San Diego Chargers game

in San Diego.

Like, I'm from Seattle,

so me and my buddies, we went in our Seahawks gear,

which I would probably never do again,

because it's a very hostile environment.

And as a minority, you're not quite sure

if it's racism or not,

because it feels the same.

People were like, "Boo!

Go back where you came from!"

I'm like, "Is this because of the jersey or my ethnicity?"

And he was like, "What do you think, sand nigger?"

I'm like, "Oh, Jesus."

At least I know now.

My white friends loved it, though,

because white people

never really get discriminated against,

so it's like discrimination fantasy camp for you guys.

They were like, "Yo, let's go to the game

"in our Seahawks gear.

It'll be fun to have people hate us for no reason."

[laughter and applause]

"Where else could we ever have that happen?"

Being a minority is like having an away jersey

you can never take off.

After the game, my white friends were like,

"That was fun.

Back to being a privileged white guy."

And I was like, "Yeah...still fucked."

We love football in this country, right?

You guys like football?

Yeah, everyone loves it.

But it's so violent, when you think about it.

People get paralyzed playing football,

and then they just continue playing the rest of the game.

If I got paralyzed at a party,

I would hope that the party would be over.

My friends come visit me in the hospital, like,

"Hey, man, everyone's really torn up

about you getting paralyzed at that party."

I'm like, "Oh, what happened after I left?"

"Oh, um... the DJ dropped the beat."

Then they use the poor guy as a mascot the following year.

They're like, "We're gonna win this week.

"Don't take myword for it.

Remember this guy, everybody?"

[whirring]

[applause]

"I may have gotten paralyzed...

but go Panthers!"

Everyone's like, "Yeah!

He still wants us to win!"

I saw that movie "Theory of Everything,"

that Stephen Hawking movie.

It was really good,

but it's kind of weird watching a movie

where you already know what happens to the person.

Because at the beginning of the movie,

he's dancing around, having a good time,

and you're like, "Ooh...

He doesn't know."

I didn't know that he was married for 30 years,

and he had three kids with this woman,

and then he ended up leaving her for another woman.

That's pretty baller, when you think about it,

to be confined to a wheelchair, unable to talk,

and still think to yourself,

"I can do better."

"This bitch is holding me back."

"Hey, can you set up the ramp so I can leave you?"

How did that exchange even go down,

is what I want to know.

Like, normally, when couples fight,

it's this verbal ping-pong match,

like, "Fuck you!"

"No, fuck you!"

This woman just had to have waited forever.

She's like, "What, you just gonna leave me?"

And she has to wait for...

[clicking]

[clicking continues]

[clicking continues]

[robotic voice] "You win some, you lose some."

[whirring]

I want to tell these two stories

about my dad before I get out of here.

So do you guys remember "Independence Day"

when it came out, the first one?

Will Smith--yeah.

So they were doing this, like,

Orson Welles "War of the Worlds" type promo for it.

Like, Fox had it seem like aliens were invading Earth.

And it looked real.

They had, like, a whole newscast, and I saw it,

and for some reason, I was like,

"Dad, turn on the TV, quick!"

"Channel 13!"

And he turns it on, and then he's just like--

he's, like, locked in, you know?

He's trying to catch up on what I already know.

"Aliens, okay."

And then he's flipping the channels, and he's like,

"How come it's only on channel 13?"

I'm like, "I don't know.

They must have an exclusive or something."

So there's this iconic scene

where, you know, the spaceship flies over the White House,

and then the bay doors open up,

and there's an electron charge, and then it blasts down,

and then the White House just explodes

into a million pieces.

My dad's sitting on the edge of the bed.

And he goes...

"Whaaat?"

Like, that was my dad's reaction to the end of the world.

"Whaaat?"

Not, "I love you, son.

We're gonna get through this somehow."

At that moment, he didn't have kids or a wife.

"Whaaat?

How does this affect me?"

Another story.

So I've been doing stand-up for a really long time now.

Like, I started when I was 18.

And, like, stand-up is not something

that immigrant parents have their kids do.

It's like I was doing heroin.

Like, they weren't into it.

We would get into shouting matches and everything.

And my dad, he'd be like,

"You're out there every night,

with the pimps and the prostitutes."

I'm like, "What comedy club are you going to?"

Some guy in a fur coat and a pimp cane, like,

"Ha-ha, yeah.

Ha-ha-ha, yeah, here's some dice for you."

So he would just, like, blow up every three months,

and it was shouting matches and everything.

I had to be very secretive about my comedy.

I would be writing in spiraled notebooks

up in my bedroom.

I'd be like, "Yeah, that'd be funny."

And then my dad,

I would hear his footsteps coming upstairs,

and I would just, like, hide the notebook under my bed.

And he'd be like, "What's going on in here?"

I'd be like, "Uh, just jerking off."

"Okay, good, that's good.

"Just no jokes.

"Jerk all you--just no jokes.

Jerk all you want."

So the Apollo Theater Amateur Night on Tour

came to Seattle.

They hit up different major cities.

Seattle is one of the stops, and you could audition for it.

And I went, I auditioned.

I was like 19, I think, at the time.

And I got in.

Like, out of 342 people, I got in.

Eleven were selected.

And they really liked me.

They really liked my stuff.

So I invited everybody.

I invited my parents,

you know, teachers from school.

Just everybody came out.

And then it came my turn to come out on stage,

and I'm like, "Hey, guys, my name's Fahim.

You know, it's an Afghan name."

And this is kind of shortly after 9/11.

Probably not the best opener.

So I'm like, "Yeah--"

And there was like, "Boo!"

"Boo, boo!"

Just cascades of boos.

Like, "Boo!"

And the siren goes off like...

[ascending siren noise]

The guy's tap-dancing me off,

and I'm like, "I know how this works."

Very surreal to get booed by that many people, you know?

And then, the rest of the story, I hear from my brother,

because we took separate cars.

Like, my family and myself, we took separate cars.

So my brother tells me,

they're in the Dodge Caravan, driving home.

It's deathly silent.

It's just my brother, my mom, my dad, my cousin Neelo.

No one's saying anything for like 30 minutes.

And then my dad finally breaks the silence by going,

"Well...

there's no business like show business."

Thank you so much for coming out tonight, guys.

I really appreciate it, thank you.

Thanks for coming.

[cheers and applause]