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(disco music)

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- [Voiceover] Awkward moment number 465.

We've all been her before.

We go out drinking, you're horny, meet someone

hot, really want to get it on.

The problem is you don't have a place.

So you ask your friend if you can sober up

for a bit and stay at their place.

But you're too horny to control yourself and off

you go getting it on with your trick.

Well, that didn't happen to me tonight.

I am Ryan, the one watching late-night infomercials.

Maybe I should buy some of that special stain

remover they're selling it's only $19.99

and I'm sure my couch will need it.

The one in the white shirt is my friend, Dustin.

Well he was wearing a white shirt.

He's the guy on top.

Which is funny because he's not.

The other guy, his name is Kyle, and he was

my date tonight.

You heard me right.

My date.

So, why am I not really angry about the situation

on the couch?

Well, let's just say that this is just the tip of the

iceberg of the dry spell I've been going through.

- Five, six, seven, eight.

(latin music)

You're doing such a wonderful job!

Perfect.

Cut.

What's going on here?

- I don't have a partner.

Uh, story of his life.

- This drama's gonna be the death of me.

All right, look, I'll find you a partner as soon

as I finish this, this, this masterpiece.

This is going to be my greatest achievement.

Now will you let me finish?

Moving on.

And pony, and pony, and pony, and pony.

- So, you're not going to apologize for last night?

- What about last night?

- Hello, you were getting it on with Kyle.

- Who's Kyle?

- My date?

- Oh him.

Yeah, I was doing you a favor.

- A favor.

- If he's that prone to distraction, he's not

boyfriend material.

You should be thanking me.

- Ow.

- I'm sorry.

- Is everything okay over here?

- Yes it is.

- Well since you two chatty Kathys seem to find it

fit to have a little coffee klatsch, while I'm

rocking my ass off, why don't you do a little

demonstration for us, huh?

Would you like that?

- I don't know it.

- My pleasure.

- Five, six, seven, eight.

Moving on.

Music.

- So maybe I'm not looking for a boyfriend.

- What?

- You said the guy wasn't boyfriend material.

Maybe I don't want a boyfriend.

Maybe I'm just looking to get laid.

(record scratching)

- I think now would be a good time to call it a day.

- Just go out and do it already.

It's not that hard.

- So says the man who's little black book is the

size of New York City's phone book.

- Only the Manhattan section.

Ow!

- Oh shit, sorry about that.

- You should be, you almost broke my nose.

- Don't worry about it, he's been hunting for

an excuse to get his nose done anyway.

- It's my first day of rehearsal, so I'm a little dazed

and off in my own world.

- Oh, I can tell.

- I'm Ryan.

- The new under study.

So, you're the guy with the dating problem.

Keep your chin up, everything happens for a reason.

- Thanks.

- Keep your chin up?

Who says that?

That is so lame.

Ryan, Ryan, hello.

Right here.

Now I know that you want to get laid and all.

But rule number one, do not fuck the guys that

you rehearse with.

Messy.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Let's get out of here.

Momma needs a shot of vodka and vicodin for her nose.

(multiple television stations)

(disco music)

(knocking)

- Oh, god damnit.

- Hello lover.

Did I interrupt something?

- No, you didn't.

- You look a little messy.

(gasps)

I think you were totally having sex.

(laughing)

You can tell me if you've got a boy hiding

here, I won't budge.

Unless he's hot.

Where is he?

- No one's here.

I was just doing some housework.

- Well, I'll let you get back to your housework.

I just wanted to tell you that I found a solution

to your problem.

Ta daa!

- What the hell is that?

- Oh, you poor thing.

You've never seen one of these before.

It's a,

- I know what it is, what would I do with

something that big?

- It's your new boyfriend.

Now you can get some attention every night.

- Oh, I do that every night before bed already

and I don't need the help of your baseball bat.

- I knew you wouldn't be into it.

That is why I hooked you up with Troy.

- Oh, I'm not going on a blind date.

- Oh, don't be so ungrateful.

Troy is a nice boy.

He's this totally hot guy that runs in my neighborhood.

Delicious.

Every day he runs by my apartment, I think he totally

wants me.

One day, he stopped and chatted me up.

- Ow!

- Oh shit, I'm so sorry.

- Watch where you're going with that thing.

- You look even hotter, dirtier.

- Pardon?

- You want to come out for a drink?

- You're not my type.

- I got a cute friend.

He's coming over here tonight.

- What, here?

You gave out my address?

Are you crazy?

What if he's some crazy rapist?

- Well, as they always say, you can not rape the willing.

- Ha ha.

- I'm sorry for the wait, I couldn't get the cork out.

- Oh, I should have told you, I don't drink.

- Oh, are you in recovery?

- No, I just don't believe I need alcohol to have

a good time.

- I get it.

So, what should we watch.

Oh, this looks good.

- I think that's rated R.

I try to stay away from movies in which I don't

share the values of the characters.

- Wow.

That would leave out like everything I've ever seen.

The news is on, we could watch that.

- Whoa, what are you doing?

- I was going to kiss you.

You said you don't need alcohol to have a good time.

- I don't really do this.

- What, sex on the first date.

- Well I prefer to be in a committed relationship

before I do anything.

I mean I used to do it all.

Sex parties, bath houses, gang bangs, parking lots.

But recently, I found Jesus has a higher purpose for me.

I prefer to have a spiritual connection with my partner

over just a physical one.

I'm in a deeply committed relationship with the lord.

- Are you sure he's not open to three ways?

(disco music)

(phone ringing)

- How was Troy?

- Troy sucked.

- Did he swallow, too?

- No, not like that, unfortunately.

He's one of those crazy religious types

that doesn't have sex until they're married.

- Tell him he's in the wrong state to be waiting

for gay marriage.

- Oh yes.

- What was that?

- Oh nothing.

- Oh, I'm coming, oh.

- Is that Kyle?

- Yeah, you know, we're dating now.

- I thought you said he wasn't relationship material.

- I meant he wasn't relationship material for you.

Aww.

(breathing hard)

Listen, I'll see you tomorrow in rehearsal, okay?

I gotta take off.

- Can I stretch here?

- Be my guest.

- So what got you started in dance?

- Oh gosh, I must have been like ten years old.

I was watching a Paula Abdul video on TV, she was

so fierce.

My mom saw it and she called her a slut.

From that moment on, I knew I always wanted

to be a slut.

I mean dancer.

- You know, you're pretty funny.

Hey, do you want to grab some,

- [Voiceover] Welcome back everyone!

Okay, Ryan, I have solved your partner problem.

Jacob, come here please.

Ryan, this is Jacob.

He's an excellent dancer.

Actually I'm not exactly sure if he can dance,

but he sure made me move.

You are going to be partners.

Excuse me everyone, take five.

- Hey, I'm Ryan.

- Do you know where the bathroom is?

I'm having a dance belt issue.

(spooky music)

- Uh, yeah, it's through those doors and to the right.

- [Voiceover] He's pretty cute, huh?

- He's hot.

- Go follow him.

He wants you to.

Go.

- I just wanted to make sure you found it all right.

- This door, right?

- That's the one.

- Great.

- Super.

(drumming)

- Aw, aww!

- Are you okay?

- I'm sorry.

- What happened?

- I am so embarrassed.

- I told you it could get messy.

- Since our latest dancer mysteriously disappeared,

I've gotta rethink this whole thing.

We need someone who can dance.

Someone who can be right up front and shine.

- I'll do it.

- You're the understudy.

However, since I am feeling a little generous today,

I had a prostate exam from a gorgeous proctologist,

all right, you can do it.

Get up here.

Smile everyone.

Five, six, seven, eight.

(latin music)

- Go this way and that, dip the horse.

And swim, and swim, don't drown.

Charleston, Charleston, won't you kick with Charleston?

And two and three and four.

Oh got it perfectly!

You're brilliant.