All language subtitles for Crackcoon.2024

Are you sure he said he'll be here?

Yeah, but Denny,

you can count on Denny showing up.

As long as there's money.

I ain't got no money.

Don't worry about it, don't worry about.

I got you covered. I got you covered.

As long as that greasy motherfucker

decides to show up, I got you covered.

-Ah, yeah, speak of the devil. -There he is now.

-You got the stuff? -You got money, ho?

'Cause you know I don't take no American Express.

I got the dough, I got the money

for what we need.

Great, then let's talk business.

How much rock did you want?

A hundred bucks of rock.

You two plan on throwing a party or OD'ing together?

Hey, man, we didn't come here to be insulted, all right?

Now you gonna sell us some nuggets

or we gotta go elsewhere?

Oh, no offense, ma'am.

Old Denny here's got something a little extra special

for you two tonight.

What the fuck you talking about?

Bro, I'm talking about the latest thing to hit town.

Acid mind drainage.

Fuck that, man.

We just want regular, regular rock. Regular rock.

Yeah, yeah, no bullshit, all right?

No, no, no, hear me out here. I'm still talking crack.

But this is like super-charged crack.

Like, this shit will blow your minds.

And your dicks.

You tell me you ain't heard of this orange shit.

No, man.

I've been around long enough to be able to smell bullshit

a mile away... ...and I'm smelling it now.

Just tell me about it. Is this shit gonna cost me

-an arm and a leg, or what? -Nah.

Nah, today we doing discount price.

I charge you the same

and I hit you up with the new shit.

Okay, all right, man. Hook us up.

But if this shit don't get us off like you saying,

we're just not coming back anymore.

This looks a little... looks like little orange candy.

What the hell?

Some magically delicious, oh, me Lucky Charms.

Think Denny was just bullshitting us?

Well, we'll find out in a minute.

You know, you heard his pitch, man.

Here, look. You heard his pitch.

Shit's gotta be slamming.

Unless he was handing us a line of bullshit anyway.

Yeah, sure is weird.

Look like little, little orange candies.

Let me see, let me see, let me see.

Hold on, hold on, hold on.

You... you're... you're gonna share this with me

like you said, right, man?

Of course, of course!

But, um, I'm gonna have to try it first.

You know what I'm saying, just to make sure that, uh,

that it is quality... quality stuff.

Hold on a sec, right?

Oh, unless he was bullshitting us anyway.

Vic.

-This shit's amazing! -Yeah?

Vic, come on,

I don't got all day.

Come on, man, it's my turn.

All right, all right, all right, come on, my turn, my turn!

Come on, come on, man.

No!

Hey, Dutch, you got any of that crack left?

Oh, fuck!

You know, for the chump change

this cheap-ass county's paying me,

I oughta give up doing autopsies altogether.

I've got a funeral parlor to run upstairs.

I don't need this gruesome little side gig.

Come on, Lewis.

I mean, they'd still be wheeling in your gunshot victims,

your stabbing victims.

And you know, kids getting mangled up in car accidents.

Yeah, but all I have to do is make 'em look pretty.

I don't have to saw off the tops of their skulls.

Yeah, you make a good point.

This one freaks me out.

Especially when I think about her eyes,

which aren't really there, man.

It... it's like somebody stuffed little tiny oranges in there.

The pupils were gone.

Yeah, I... I can't believe the perp kept hitting her

over and over. I mean,

couldn't he see that she was dead?

I mean, it... it just makes me wanna puke, you know?

He kept stabbing her with the crack pipe

-over and over. -Hold on, hold on.

-Calm down, calm down. -Sorry, sorry.

You know, we have a job to do here.

What you're seeing is the effects

of a designer, so-called street drug.

I think it's probably maybe a combination

of... of crack cocaine

and... and something like bath salts.

And we know what bath salts does,

it not only cleans out your bowels and your intestines,

it sucks the brain outta your head.

Right, like, uh,

like when we aspirate one of our normal guys.

That's it exactly.

Fucks 'em up and they don't even know it.

Speaking of which, you hear about that guy down in Miami?

So fucked up on bath salts,

he ate his girlfriend's face off.

I followed that case seriously

'cause it was so weird, you know?

Both of 'em were on bath salts.

He bit her in the face,

must've liked it 'cause he kept going.

He chomped all the flesh right off of her skull.

And sitting there on the curb,

chewing on it with a grin on his face,

like he was eating a fine steak.

She died in the ER.

I'm telling you,

if the cops don't get a handle on this

sooner rather than later,

we're gonna be up to our eyeballs

in these sloppy joes before long.

Well, the lab guys say they can't forecast

who's gonna go a little bit crazy

or who's gonna just flat out die.

I guess given all that, I... I'd understood

if you give up autopsies, I get it.

I actually enjoy making 'em look really nice

for when their loved ones

come in and see 'em in the viewing room.

But I gotta tell you, anymore,

I really dread having to cut into them.

Yeah, I get that. Hey, you wanna grab lunch?

I was thinking maybe, um, orange chicken.

Hey, Chinese sounds good to me, man.

You know, in spite of all this,

I still got a cast iron stomach.

Huh.

Hey, do you think she looks like that one waitress?

Yeah, there's a resemblance, but she ain't as lively.

- You cooked breakfast? - Yep.

Oh, you know I can't eat

when I first get up in the morning.

Well, it's not just for you. I made some coffee too.

Well, coffee I can do.

You're up awfully early.

I figure with it being spring break and all,

you'd be sleeping in.

You know me. I just get up no matter what.

Well, I wish I was like that.

I'd sleep until noon every day if I could.

Well, growing up on a farm will do that to you.

We got up at the crack of dawn every day.

You just get used to it after a while.

So what are you gonna do today?

I don't know.

Maybe like grade some papers and do a little cleaning.

You have the entire week off. Why don't you do something fun?

I have too much to do.

Go down and do something for yourself

and relax this week. It's spring break.

Spring break is for kids, you know?

Like, I'm just too busy.

It will get done. Do something nice for yourself.

Well, I guess it's been a while

since I've done any painting.

Exactly.

You can get started on a new one today.

Maybe I will. What do you have going on today?

Well, just patrolling the back mountain.

Ooh, that sounds like fun.

Well, with all those college kids going up there,

I'm sure it'll be a little interesting.

You better make sure they're not up to no good.

Well, they are college kids and it is spring break.

It wasn't that long ago that we were those college kids.

Yeah. Wow, time has flown.

Yeah, too fast. I miss those days.

Are you really that unhappy?

Now, why would you even ask that?

Well, that business with Liam and all,

- I just thought... - I'm sorry! Okay?

I made a mistake,

and I haven't even seen Liam in a coon's age.

I thought we weren't gonna talk about this anymore!

Okay, okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry too.

I don't know how many times I have to apologize.

Look, just forget about it.

Just drop it.

I dropped it six months ago. You were supposed to as well.

Listen, you'd do the same damn thing

if it happened to you.

And don't stand there and say you wouldn't.

Whatever you say.

You can believe whatever you wanna believe.

Well, I better get going.

Got a lot to do.

And sooner I get out, sooner I'll be back.

Well, be careful out there today.

I will, it's not like anything major's gonna happen.

It never does.

Watch it, you remember what happened the last time

you said that.

Oh, there was that time that guy tried to shoot

Wanda Claggett thinking she was Sasquatch,

wasn't it?

Well, poor Wanda.

She is a big hairy woman.

You're awful!

You can't stand here

and say she doesn't look like Bigfoot.

Well, I guess she isn't exactly feminine, is she?

No, she's not.

Look, I gotta go but I'll be back.

All right, love you.

Love you too.

What the hell are you scratching for,

you got fleas, or something?

I don't got fucking fleas.

Do I look like a dog to you?

I ain't seen a dog as ugly as you.

Oh, fuck you, Otis.

Ah, you wouldn't like it, I'd just lay there

and wipe boogers on your back.

Why are you so fucking gross?

It's just the way my mama raised me, I suppose.

I bet she's proud of that, the way you turned out.

What the hell you talking about?

-I'm her pride and joy. -I know your mama.

She don't care for you that much.

She'd have aborted you if she had the chance.

She tried.

But I was able to grab that coat hanger out of her hand

just in time!

That's a damn shame.

Where the fuck is he? He said he'd be right back.

Maybe he's lost!

He ain't the brightest guy in the world.

He better not have ran off with my money though.

I'll kill him.

He's dumb, but he ain't dumb enough

to do something like that.

- He's pretty damn dumb. - Yo, yo, yo!

What's up, my niggas?

Hey, what took you so long?

Took a little while to find my friend Denny.

Denny, I haven't seen that asshole in weeks.

I thought someone blew his damn head up.

Probably should, he's a real piece of shit.

Hey, don't talk ill about him.

- He's good people. - A real fucking prince

selling dope to all them school kids, and shit.

-You got my shit? -I ever let you down?

What the fuck is that shit, Cheetos?

It's some new stuff I got from Denny.

Got a good price on it too.

It's supposed to blow your fucking mind.

Mm, it fucking better.

I'm fiending, light that shit up.

You all right?

You gonna cough up a fucking lung?

Nah, I'm good.

I never felt better, this shit is awesome.

You gotta try it.

I don't think so, that looks weird to me.

Your loss. Do you want some, Betty Sue?

Hell yeah. Weird looking or otherwise.

I'll try anything once.

That's the same shit John Belushi

and Amy Winehouse used to say.

Things turned out great for them, didn't it?

Gimme a break, I had a rough fucking day.

Or maybe had a rough life.

Boo fucking hoo.

Ooh, I am fucked to the up.

Me too.

Damn, I can't explain how that makes me feel.

That's just fucking amazing.

Sure you don't want some, old man?

All right, fuck it, hand it over.

Second thought, I'll pass.

Hmm, what's fucking wrong with him?

Hey, yo!

Hey!

Yo!

Motherfucker, I ain't giving you mouth-to-mouth.

Hey, babe, can you hand me the keys?

- I really gotta pee. - Yeah.

Thanks.

You smell that fresh mountain air?

It's nice, isn't it?

Yes.

It is.

Really, dude? You're nasty.

- Better out than in. - Ew.

Hey, at least I didn't do that in the car.

I hope you bought him some extra trousers

because I'm pretty sure he shit himself.

No, I'm straight.

No lumps.

Classy.

So did we get the beer?

I think so. You got the herb, right?

Shit, dude. Yeah, I knew I forgot something.

No worries, amigo,

'cause Denny the many is supposed to be here sometime

today or tomorrow.

He'll hook us up.

Isn't Denny the, uh, the fruity dope guy?

That would be Denny.

Well, we can't have Denise and them see each other

because he creeps her out.

No worries.

He's an odd one, for sure.

But he's got the best damn weed

in the entire Tri-State area.

I can't disagree with that.

He does have the best weed I've ever smoked.

Mm-hmm. Yeah, I'll give him a call a little bit later.

I've got him on speed dial.

All right, let's... let's get this stuff out the car

and then we'll give him a ring, okay?

Sounds like a plan, Stan.

Man, it is so nice to be back up here.

I've been stoked for this forever, bro.

Dude, it's... it's just nice.

It's nice to get out and just get away from it all

for a while, you know?

Yeah, it's kind of depressing that this is probably

gonna be the last time that we are here together

for a while.

Nah, dude, you gotta think about it like this.

Tonight is gonna be the most epic night

of our lives, man.

We're gonna be drinking, we're gonna be fucking,

and maybe even some anal.

Yeah, boy, this weekend's about to be fucking lit.

Yeah, dude, it's gonna be fucking epic.

Yeah, bro, chest bump me, chest bump me.

Yeah, let's... let's fucking chest bump, dude.

Ow, fuck.

Can you turn that down, please?

-What? -Turn it down.

-What? -Oh, my God,

turn that fucking shit down. I can't even hear my--

Why are you yelling? I ain't deaf.

Oh, my God, never mind.

Oh, my God, and slow down.

Where are you going, Speed Racer?

You worry too much, why are you suspicious?

Uh, hello?

The last thing we need is to be pulled over

while we're driving around with all of this shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, stop being a little bitch.

-Oh! -Hey, take it easy, ho.

What you trying to do, kill us both?

Now, what I don't understand

is how the hell do you intend to sell

all of this at the campground?

There's a hell of a lot of pot in here, Cheech.

Relax, queen, I already got it covered.

I had one of my high school friends hit me up

the other day, named Billy.

- Did you fuck him? - No!

Well, maybe.

- Whore. - Anyway,

so he hit me up about a week ago,

and said he and his friends

were coming up here in the woods,

and looking to get high. So I said, "I got you covered."

But then I didn't hear from the son of a bitch.

So then I decide, I offer to make a delivery,

'cause you know I don't do that free charity shit.

So I said I'd hit him up.

But the thing was, he said he didn't want the crack.

He said no to that crack, which surprised me.

Oh, well, that reminds me,

I actually wanted to tell you about something.

-What? -Well, this guy

at the county morgue,

a great customer of mine by the way.

- I bet. - He said they recently

brought in a couple of like weird-looking stiffs.

What was weird is they had these...

-these bright orange eyes. -Bright orange eyes?

- I know, it's so-- - What's that, another STD?

You would know.

No, sweetheart, they actually said

it's some sort of like brand-new drug.

But I don't think they actually know yet.

- What, whoa, watch out, Denny! - Oh!

What the fuck was that?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, Denny,

they're pulling us over. What are we gonna do?

I can't go to jail.

I'm too cute.

Wait, wait, I've got a plan.

-What's the plan? -Just keep driving,

and now you can speed up, all right?

The camp turnoff is coming right here.

Listen, once we make the turn,

the cops won't see us for a few seconds, all right?

It's really covered by a bunch of trees.

I'm gonna throw my hand back into the forest there.

We'll just come back for it later, okay?

Okay, all... all right, all right.

- Okay. - We... we might be okay.

Okay, just keep going.

We're far enough away that they might not be suspicious.

Okay.

All right, well this might be a good spot.

Oh, my God, we've gotta do it now.

Sir, I need your license and registration, please.

What seems to be the problem, officer?

Okay.

What was that driving stunt you just pulled back there,

swerving across the road like a maniac?

Sir, I could smell your breath

and you don't smell like you've been drinking,

so I'm not gonna order a breathalyzer on you.

But what the hell was that all about?

Oh, well, you see,

this little raccoon just scurried across the road

and I swerved to avoid flattening it.

Yeah, it does happen a lot in these parts.

Yes, sir, I'm gonna give you a pass on that.

I gotta ask you

another question.

How about the first time you lost control of your car?

Was that another raccoon?

-Well, you see-- -No.

No, sir, I don't know.

What I do know is a short space of five minutes,

you two endangered human lives with your reckless driving.

Now, what was the first incident about?

- Oh. - We had a little, um--

Oh, well, you see, officers,

we're actually on our honeymoon.

We just got married.

-Yeah. -Congratulations.

Ooh, thanks.

What do you mean you just got married?

Yes, Denny here finally popped the question.

Oh, that's beautiful, isn't it pretty?

-Look at the ring. -Oh, is this Kay's Jewelry?

- Absolutely. - Only the best.

Totally.

You two lucky bastards.

-Oh. -Oh. You're too kind.

Okay, well, yes, we were going a little over the speed limit,

but we have good reason.

We're actually on our way to our hotel room.

- Oh, my Lord. - Yeah.

Me and Denny here are really looking forward

to consummating the wedding. Aren't we, baby?

The things I'm gonna do to you.

Oh, like what?

Oh, you're gonna see what when we get there.

A night at Frankie's Fudge Factory?

Okay, okay, that's enough. I don't wanna hear anymore.

Sorry.

So we're free to go, officer?

Yes, yes.

For God's sake, get the hell outta here already.

Thanks, Mr. Q.

Just try to keep it under 55, all right?

Oh, cross my heart and hope to die.

Good, now you have a nice rest of your day.

-Thank you, you too. -You too.

God bless you, officers.

- Yeah. - Well, you enjoy

- your evening. - Oh, we will.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

Send me some pictures.

-Oh, absolutely. -Oh, we will.

Oh, you're so funny.

Gee, why can't I get married?

That was close.

So what's the plan?

Well, I say we wait until we're sure they're gone,

and then we're gonna go pick up the shit, okay?

Okay, sounds good.

Oh, yeah, let me, let me think, um.

Is, uh...

you don't drink, you don't smoke.

I don't know the rest.

Go.

I'm not a Goody Two-shoes.

Oh, calm down. It's nothing to be ashamed of.

I just don't like to drink, okay?

Okay.

Why not?

Because my dad had a problem with it,

and I don't wanna end up like him.

That's right, I remember now.

That one night that he waltzed into White Castle

in nothing but his underwear.

That's funny shit, oh, I wish I was there to see it.

Oh, you wish you did, bro.

There was a big mud stain

in the back of his whitey tighties,

and one of his nuts hanging out the front.

Guys, I think we should drop this.

I really don't think that Finn wants to hear

-about any of this. -Oh, man, he was sharting

in his seat.

Ew. Well, he was eating sliders all night.

-Oh. -Dude, there's no way, dude.

How is... Where did he even put his money?

Oh, the old prison wallet.

He pulled it right out, handed it stench and all

to the cashier. Just a big sticky wad.

Oh, that's disgusting.

Seriously, guys, can we please just stop talking about-

Actually, wait, wait. No, no, no, shh.

I remember a story my uncle told me one time.

He told me that he was one of the guys

that arrested him that night,

and he threw up all over the cop car.

It was fucking nasty.

Everyone at the precinct was furious.

Dude, there's no wonder

you don't wanna drink, man.

-Shut up. -What the heck?

I'm going for a walk, be back later.

You guys are assholes.

What'd we do?

You know about her past

and how sensitive she is about her dad.

Why would you even bring it up?

Because I thought it was funny.

Not to her.

It is... it's okay, it's okay.

All she has to do is loosen up, maybe have a few drinks.

Not too many, obviously. And then, maybe...

maybe you'll get the stick out of her ass.

Exactly, bro, but then she's gonna end up drunk

at White Castle in her underwear,

just like her old man.

You're awful.

- Fuck you. - What the hell?

-Where you going? -To get a drink.

Can you get me one please? Please and thank you.

After the shit you pulled, you can get one yourself.

I don't know about you, bro, but...

I wouldn't mind seeing Finn in her underwear.

-Excuse me? -But I mean,

you gotta admit, I mean,

you seen the dumper on that girl?

I'd eat her shitter like an apple fritter.

And then fuck her brains out.

-Same. -Yeah?

Well, why don't we go do that?

- Do what? - Fuck your brains out.

Hey now, chap, it's been swell.

Good night, good evening, and good luck.

See you tomorrow. My dear, to the jousting chamber.

Babe. Babe!

Fuck.

All right, the coast is clear.

Yeah, let's go, Thelma.

Ew.

-Oh, God, get away! -What's wrong with you?

Well, I'm trying to get away from all these damn creatures!

I hate bugs, and all these snakes,

and all these other nasty motherfuckers.

-Nature sucks. -Calm your clit.

It ain't that bad.

Well, excuse me, Malibu's most-wanted.

Well, I don't see bugs trying to orally violate you.

Don't touch me, homo.

-But you love my touches. -No, getting real tired

-of your shit. -That's not fair, Denny.

Oh, here it is.

Thank God, hurry and grab it so we can get outta here

before these things eat me alive.

Uh-oh.

What do you mean, "Uh-oh"?

-What is it? -The shit,

it isn't in here.

"It isn't in there." Very funny, Denny.

It's an empty bag, fag.

Ugh, feelings.

Well, help me find it,

it's gotta be around here somewhere.

Where could it have gone?

I don't know, it didn't just get up and walk on away.

Well, no shit, Einstein.

But it's gotta be around here somewhere.

What the hell is that?

It's probably a fucking bear, or something.

It ain't no bear.

-I think I know what it is. -What?

Be careful.

No!

Well, I think I know where all the shit went.

Well, what are we gonna do now?

-Hang on, I'll get it. -Oh.

For God's sake, come here, you little shit,

you got something that we need.

I don't think it wants to give it back, babe.

Oh, God.

Stop it, he doesn't like it when you use your teeth!

Get off my dick!

It's got my balls, Frankie!

Denny!

Oh! Oh, no, no.

Denny! No, no! My sweet Denny.

You would've wanted me to save myself.

Get away from me, you... you gremlin.

So beautiful up here.

So peaceful and quiet.

What the hell?

Take that, you cock-sucking squirrels.

You ain't ever gonna be stealing my nuts ever again. Yeah.

You ain't even hit them, dumb ass.

There they go. Running away.

What? That was just a warning shot.

I wanna get 'em good and scared

before I blow 'em away.

Warning shot, my ass.

You couldn't hit the blue side of a red barn

if you were standing right in front of it.

Hell, son, you ain't done much better.

-How many did you get today? -None.

But I'm after something bigger than them little squirrels.

- What you after? - What do you think?

-Dumbass. -Dumbass?

You's the dumbass, Jethro.

Ain't no bears up here in these parts.

Then how come I seen 'em out here before?

You's probably drunk.

You ain't see no God dang bears up here.

Then what the hell was it, Big Foot?

I don't know, maybe it's your mama.

She kind of a big old fat, hairy broad.

Maybe she was hungry, wandering around the woods,

stealing some picnic baskets or something.

Screw you, Lenny.

At least my mom ain't a big old whore

who sells her dirty snatch for cigarettes,

-like yours does. -Hey,

you kiss my ass, you son of a bitch.

You can't talk about my mom.

Hey, hey, guys, please help me.

What the shit?

It... it just killed Denny.

And now it's coming to get me next.

What's this? What the hell you talking about, Nancy boy?

What's coming after you?

A naked lady?

I bet you scared to death of them, aren't you, boy?

It's a... it's a fucking raccoon!

Listen, it just ripped Denny to pieces.

Please, you've gotta help me, it's right out there.

A raccoon, what the hell...

what the hell are you going on about?

Uh, listen to me, you fucking troglodytes.

I am telling you it's a killer raccoon, okay?

It's all fucked up on drugs and shit.

I think you's the one who's fucked up on drugs.

Sissy boy.

Watch out, that killer coon gonna get you.

Fuck me. It's here.

Are you guys gonna do something?

Shoot it!

-Get off my gun, boy. -Oh, forget you, pig fuckers.

What in the name of Dolly Parton's

-big old sweet titties was that? -I don't know.

Them gays is weird.

What's that?

Maybe it's one of those killer raccoons

that fairy was going on about.

So watch out, man.

That killer coon might get your ass.

Oh, you bastard!

Shoot it, goddammit, shoot the fucking thing!

Eat lead, you fucking asshole.

Well, shit.

I told him there weren'’t no God dang bears here.

Oh, hi, Marla.

What's the good news?

Patty Emmons called.

Oh, Lord, what did she see this time?

A UFO or another leprechaun?

No, Jethro and Lenny went hunting

and they're not back yet.

They said they'd be back by 12:00.

It's only 12:30.

Yeah, well, she's worried.

She's always worried about something.

Well, this time she's really crazy worried.

So you wanna go check on 'em?

Not really.

Well, if you don't, she's gonna keep calling,

and then I'm gonna have to deal with her,

and I don't wanna deal with her.

All right, I'll go have a look.

It's not like I don't have a million other things

to do today.

Good, I'll call her back and let her know.

You know, Jethro's probably hiding from her.

I know I would be if I was married to her.

Uh, she's nuttier than a squirrel turd.

Yes she is, and that's why he drinks like a fish.

I'll be back in a bit.

Okay, be careful.

Always.

I'm coming, Patty, I'm coming.

Scurry off, you devil, foul taker of souls.

I just like heavy metal music, man.

Everybody likes heavy metal music.

Jesus likes heavy metal music.

Jesus likes Ozzy Osbourne. Jesus likes Ronnie James Dio.

Ronnie James Dio was not a holy diver.

He rolled around in Satan's feces.

I don't know, I don't think that's right, man.

He did, brother. He was besmirched.

Oh, I can't go with you on that, man.

That's just nutty.

Behold, brothers and sisters,

our most righteous Lord.

That pile driver of Satan's spawn.

- Lies. - We shall cast you out.

-Sad. -Lord, I implore you

to cast out the rock and roll-a from his soul-a.

Nah, man, that's not gonna happen.

Ronnie James Dio forever, man.

This is not a reality, man.

Oh.

God, dear Lord.

Is that a head?

Fuck!

Fuck this shit.

Jesus, I'’m sorry!

Jesus Christ!

Jesus Christ, Jesus!

Why have you forsaken me, Lord?

She'’s my sweet little lamb!

Fear not, my flock.

For our brother shall protect you.

Or maybe just guide you to paradise.

Ronnie James Dio forever.

Oh, Brother Fred, it's Armageddon.

A furry monkey devil is killing all our flock.

What are we gonna do?

Brother Riley, it's a miracle you're still alive.

Why don't you take some of that miracle.

-Okay, brother. -Go spread it

to your brothers and sisters.

My God, the horror.

Oh, sister.

Oh, please, save my baby, please.

Never even finished patty cake.

It's the devil monkey!

He was such a good boy.

Oh.

Oh, well.

Hello?

Somebody there?

Carlos, is that you?

You're not gonna scare me, so you can knock it off.

Oh!

What's wrong with you? Watch where you're going.

Sorry. I'm so, so sorry.

Oh, my God, come on, we have gotta go.

That thing is coming.

What are you talking about, what's coming?

Goddammit, again?

The raccoon.

The raccoon?

This is some sort of joke, right?

No.

No, it's all cracked out on drugs

and it's out of its mind.

I... I swear to God.

Oh, my God, it killed Denny.

This is some sort of YouTube video, right?

I mean, you need to work on your material.

A killer raccoon?

Be serious.

Listen to me, you stupid bitch!

I don't give a shit if you believe me or not, okay?

I am getting the fuck outta here

before that thing comes back and gets me again.

Now are you coming or not?

All right, this is a little much.

You don't have to be all nasty about it.

Shit, oh, shit, I told you, come on!

-What are you doing? -We gotta go!

Get off of me.

Fuck.

You know what, you little twat?

You can just stay here and get that pussy

shredded the fuck-up, but not mine, honey, mm-mm.

What a weirdo.

I have seen an evil gnome lurking the aisles

of Bo's Hardware.

- You saw what? - An evil gnome

-coming to get me. -No, ma'am. No, you didn't.

No, he's not a gnome, his name is Nicholas.

And he's not coming to get you. He's a dwarf.

Jonathan needs to get down here right away.

No, no, fine, I will tell him when he gets back.

Yes, yes, I'll make that report, sure.

I'm in grave danger.

Big Foot planted his seed in my sweet Suzie.

How many times do I have to tell you, Mr. Roberts?

Bigfoot is not real.

And he did not impregnate your daughter.

That was Joey from the diner.

- The cook? - Yeah.

Oh, yeah, this is it.

What do you think?

- Whatever. - Yeah.

This is a nice place to set up camp.

If you say so.

I really don't care one way or the other, Allen.

What the hell is your problem?

I have no idea what you're talking about.

Bullshit, you've been acting like this

ever since we got here.

I don't know, Allen, maybe it's because I wanted to go

to Florida, or somewhere nice for our vacation.

And instead, you dragged us out to the middle of nowhere.

Look, we talked about this.

-We couldn't afford to-- -I know, I know.

We couldn't afford a nice Florida vacation,

or anywhere nice, so you brought us here instead.

You know business has been slow lately.

Hmm, well, maybe if you got a real job,

we'd have a little more money.

How many times do I have to tell you?

A hotdog vendor is a real job.

When you're ten.

Hmm, maybe I should just leave you for the paperboy.

He probably makes more money.

At least I have a job! What do you do all day?

Sit around on your ass watching TV?

Too bad we don't get paid for that

'cause we'd be fucking billionaires if we did.

You're an asshole.

Look, I don't wanna fight, okay?

We're on vacation.

Let's just try to have a good time.

This is hardly a vacation.

I mean, it's not that bad.

We could go hiking or fishing or--

I hate hiking and fishing.

Well, what about birdwatching?

I think I saw a tufted titmouse over there earlier.

Oh, that's great, 'cause that's the only tit

you're gonna see this weekend.

How 'bout lunch, huh? Would that make you happy?

Sure, what are you gonna make?

I was thinking we have some hot dogs.

They're nice over an open campfire.

Yeah, might as well do something with those hot dogs,

'cause you sure as hell can't sell 'em.

Screw it.

-Where are you going? -To get firewood.

I'll be back.

Take your time, Allen!

Maybe he'll fall into a sinkhole or something.

Fucking bitch.

Maybe she'll get eaten by a bear or something this weekend.

What's that?

Hey, little guy.

What are you?

A bunny?

Come here.

I don't bite.

Oh, Willow.

Oh, baby wants a pet.

Oh, my sweet kitty.

Oh, you smelly kitty, you need a bath.

Hey, Marla, it's Jonathan.

I need you to give the sheriff a call.

We got two dead bodies up here on the mountain.

I don't know.

Could be a bizarre hunting accident.

And when you get done,

yeah, I need you to give old Patty Emmons a call back.

Let her know her boy Jethro won't be coming home for dinner.

Oh, I probably should call Charlotte.

Hey, honey, something came up.

I'm gonna be late tonight.

I need you to go ahead and put my dinner in the fridge.

I'll heat it up when I get home, love you.

Hey, honey, something came up.

I'm gonna be late tonight.

I need you to go ahead and put my dinner in the fridge.

I'll heat it up when I get home, love you.

Hey, babe, it's me.

Listen, the asshole's gonna be late getting home tonight.

So why don't you come over in about an hour?

Once you get here, you can cum as many times as you want.

I'm super horny and I cannot wait to see you.

See you soon.

Oh, my God.

Ooh, yes!

Oh, thank you, God, thank you.

Oh, I just wanna say I am so sorry for all the shit

I've done over the years.

Well, half of the shit anyways.

Oh, fuck it,

I might even consider going to church on Sunday

just to show you my thanks.

Uh-uh, don't expect it to be a regular thing.

You know, us walking into a church. Poof.

Fire hazard.

Wait a minute.

Wait, no, come to think of it,

I actually got myself out of this.

You didn't do shit.

I was out there all day running a marathon

from that trash can panda.

Where were you?

Up there on cloud nine and eating your holy popcorn,

watching the fucking show.

Lord and savior, my ass.

Yes.

Ooh, shit!

Ooh.

Hey, friend.

God, are you still there?

No, no, no, no, not another one.

Hey, Marla, I hate to do this to you,

but I need you to call the sheriff back.

There's another dead body.

Now this one looks like it could be a wild animal attack.

No, no, this one's further down the mountain.

I don't know. Maybe a bear or a mountain lion.

I'm not sure.

Let me look around and I'll call you right back.

Oh, good heavens.

A coon?

It can't be.

Yeah, Marla, it's me.

We've got a fourth dead body out here.

Yeah, I think we're dealing with a rabid coon.

What? No, an actual raccoon.

Marla, do I need to send you to sensitivity training again?

A nasty raccoon is violently humping Ellie Mae.

Send help quick!

Hold on, girl, helps a-coming.

Oh, right there.

- Oh, yeah? - Oh, right there.

- Yeah? - Little bit.

- Yeah. - Yeah. Oh, my God.

-Oh, yeah. -Oh, my God,

I'm so close, I'm gonna cum.

Oh, oh, I know, babe.

Right there.

- Yeah. - Oh, yeah.

Oh! Oh, my God, I'm so close.

-Oh, my God, oh, my God, yes. -Take that Centaur cock!

Sexy Centaur'’s got you there.

Yeah.

- Oh, yeah. - Yeah.

Three, two, one, time to pee!

What?

What are you doing? I was so close!

- Oh. - Seriously?

Yeah, sorry, I gotta race like a piss horse.

The one I wanna lose has got spit.

-You couldn't hold it? -No.

Ugh, listen,

gimme one minute, I'll be back and we'll, uh,

-finish up. -Okay, well, hurry up.

And will you open the window? It's hotter

than the third circle of hell in here.

Yes, your majesty.

Thank God he's pretty, ugh.

Hey.

That was fast.

Oh, Carlos!

I thought you didn't do that.

Oh, my God, yes, Carlos.

-Oh, fuck, don't stop. -I almost didn't make it there.

What you doing, playing with yourself?

My boy's slamming it in there.

You hear her screaming?

Why don't you make me scream like that?

Carlos, Carlos, what the fuck?

Carlos, help me.

You're kidding, right?

You don't remember that night at that hotel

before Pop Pop's funeral?

I made you scream that night, didn't I?

Yeah, you did, but that's because you were drunk

and you put it in my asshole. You idiot.

Don't you remember me walking funny for like three days?

And I had to sit on a bag of frozen peas.

I do remember that.

Jeepers.

Creepers.

He ate my peepers.

You know, why don't you make me scream like that?

Maybe I'll shove something up your ass next time.

What... what, I... I didn't hear you.

Nothing. Do you need another beer?

-I do actually. -Okay.

Thank you.

- Love you. - Love you too.

Hmm. I knew I should've fucked her at Barktow's party.

-Hey. -Whatever they're doing

in there sounds crazy and really painful.

I think it sounds kick-ass.

Well, of course you do.

Guess I'm the prude in this relationship, mm?

Kinda, but it's okay.

You're getting there.

One day we're gonna be doing everything they're doing

and you're gonna love it. Boop.

Okay, on that note,

I'm gonna go get wet in the shower.

-Okay, I'll join you. -Ah, no thanks, stud.

I'm gonna take this one alone.

Yeah, it's probably for the best.

I feel a shit brewing right now,

and I think it's turtle-necking a little bit.

Yeah, nice.

Go handle that in the other restroom, please.

Why? Why would I do that?

Do I really have to explain this to you?

Jesus, you really think

I wanna smell your shitty shits

while I'm trying to take a nice, relaxing shower?

I would love for you to smell my shitty shits,

but okay, fine.

I don't understand why you would not

want to smell everything that has been rotting

inside me throughout the day.

'Cause it doesn't smell like roses, sweetheart.

It might this time.

I'll talk to you later.

But I still love you.

Even though you don't wanna smell my shit.

Nobody wants to smell your shit.

I swear she's on her period.

I heard that.

You're not wrong.

Yep, I know.

A rabid raccoon on crack is killing people

-on the mountain. -A raccoon?

On crack, yeah, that's rich.

You expect me to believe that one?

I suppose next you're gonna tell me it was Mothman?

No, I says... I says to you,

the Mothman attack was last week.

Okay, yeah, I'll take that report.

All day with these people, all day.

I do not get paid enough for this, ugh.

Twins.

Oh... oh, triplets, ooh.

Oh, shit,

I guess it doesn't smell that good.

Mm. Oh.

Shit.

Oh, God.

Nobody loves me.

I'm Italian, so they tell me to go fusilli myself.

Dude, I love ethnic people too. Same.

Well, listen to this.

They're too busy stroking off their beef anyway.

Yeah, I cannot wait to show Carlos this.

I'm about to send this to him right now.

You know, I gotta admit that special sauce

- is delicious. - Oh, that was bold.

But I can never get those sticky stains

off my shirt.

Dude is definitely gonna get canceled for that.

But I'’ll still watch him. I'll watch the, uh, reruns.

Oh, fuck, speaking of runs.

Hey, thanks a lot.

You're a great crowd.

Ooh!

Fuck.

Denise, get the toilet paper.

Sorry.

You don't have to smell my shit.

I sprayed something.

Denise?

Fuck.

Carlos, Tasha.

I need toilet paper.

Anybody?

Dammit.

Fuck!

Fuck!

Aiden!

Can you bring me a towel?

Aiden, I need a towel, I got soap in my eye!

Aiden, what are you doing?

I need a goddamn towel.

Aiden?

Are you in here?

What the hell?

Oh, shit.

Hey, hey, you okay?

Hello?

My God, he's dead.

-Stop poking me. -Fuck.

I'm not the Pillsbury Doughboy.

Oh, my God, what the fuck?

Shh, what is wrong with you?

Holy shit, you're alive.

Yeah.

What does it look like, Stevie Wonder?

I am sitting here talking to you, aren't I?

What the hell happened to you?

Did you fall into a wood chipper or something?

Yes, I fell into a fucking wood chipper.

How did you guess?

Dumb ass.

Well, then what actually happened to you?

What does it look like?

That cracked-out raccoon got a hold of me.

We have been through this.

This drugged-out raccoon shit again?

I'm fucking serious, okay?

Look, that thing nearly ripped me to pieces.

Just like it did Denny.

Right, so where is this killer raccoon?

I don't know.

I'm sure it's still running around here somewhere.

Drinking someone's blood.

Look, we have got to call someone for help

before it comes looking for us.

Okay, who do you wanna call?

Well, the cops,

animal control, Ghostbusters?

You ask a lot of questions. Just gimme your phone.

I left mine in the car.

I don't have one.

What do you mean you don't have a phone?

Where is it, inside?

No, I mean, I don't have a cell phone.

Never had one and I never will.

Ew, why the hell not?

Because I don't want one?

Girl, what the fuck is wrong with you?

Nothing, I just never wanted one.

Okay, and what if you have like an emergency

or something, then what?

I never had one.

Ugh, okay, Little House on the Prairie.

You're about to have one now.

Is there at least a... a landline in that shack?

I think so.

All right, well let's go use it and call for help

before we're both raccoon chow.

And trust me, he is gonna find you first.

He can smell your pheromones.

Ooh.

-Oh. -Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey,

come here, I'll help you.

You always catch me on my ass.

Thanks, I'm Frankie by the way.

I'm Finn.

Finn?

Isn't that a guy's name?

Funny, thought Frankie was a guy's name too.

Girl, don't be so... oh, okay.

I got you.

You know what, Huckleberry, touché.

Ooh.

Everything okay, folks?

Define okay.

Damn, what happened to you, fella?

It looks like you've been through an industrial shredder.

Well, I feel like it too.

Really, what happened?

Goddammit, again?

I should really write a book about this.

Yeah.

I was attacked by a raccoon.

Oh, I was afraid of that.

Look, we need to get him to a hospital.

There are four dead bodies in the woods nearby.

It looked like they were victims of a wild animal attack.

In fact, I was coming here to warn you

to keep an eye out for it.

Aw, well thanks, Dick Tracy,

but you're a little late.

Excuse me?

Look, that fucking raccoon, he killed my boyfriend.

And then he used me as his personal chew toy.

I hate being sloppy seconds.

It killed your boyfriend?

Yeah, do you have a problem with that, Officer Dewey?

Of course not.

It's just we have a hyperaggressive coon

on our hands.

It might be rabid.

We better clear the area.

Is there anyone else in the house?

My friends.

Need you to go round them up.

Tell 'em we gotta get outta here pronto.

It's not safe.

-Okay, we'll get them. -Oh, ooh.

Ah.

Isn't this the damnedest thing?

Yeah, well, it isn't exactly a normal raccoon.

What do you mean?

Well, it got into some pretty powerful crack.

Crack?

Yeah, you know.

Ice, Chingy, base,

jelly beans.

Hamburger Helper.

How do you know it got into crack?

Oh, well, I mean, I--

They're dead, they're all dead!

-Ma'am, what happened? -It got them.

It got all of them.

What got them, who?

The raccoon got them.

-Is it still in there? -I don't know.

Okay, I am calling it.

Let's just let that be one of life's mysteries.

If you haven't noticed yet, I really need a doctor here.

It's getting infected.

Okay, I'll drive you to the hospital.

We just need to make one stop so I can check on my wife.

-Fine. -Come on.

Just we gotta hurry before that thing comes back.

Ow.

Come on out, babe.

Your doctor of love has arrived.

And I'm ready to take your temperature...

rectally.

Liam?

Is that you?

Liam?

Did you bring those chili dogs?

I smell something.

Mm.

Smells just like roses.

You're looking hot there, babe.

Liam's gonna lose his shit.

Girl, you are a knockout.

You missed your calling.

You should have been a model.

Mm.

Liam?

Babe, is that you?

Liam, I got a brand-new, sexy little number just for--

Oh, my God, get off of me!

Oh, you little piece of shit!

Look what you did to my tits!

They were perfect and you ruined them.

All right, folks, we're here,

I'll just be a minute.

Really, Charlotte, again?

You've got to be kidding me.

What? What's wrong now?

Oh, nothing for you to worry about.

I'll be right back.

Okay, you just take your time.

I'll stay here and bleed to death.

No hurries.

Wonder what that was all about.

Oh, my.

Charlotte.

I am no expert, but if I had to guess,

I would say somebody's dipping their chocolate

into her peanut butter, honey.

What do you mean? Oh.

I get it.

Ooh, that makes me really want a Reese's.

You think they have one on the way?

Frankie, focus, we need to get you to a hospital.

Fine.

Oh, God.

Charlotte, no, no, I should have been here.

Oh.

What do you think's going on in there?

I don't know, but it probably ain't pretty.

-I'm going to check on them. -Uh-uh, hold on, Huckleberry.

Take it from me, you do not wanna get involved

with shit like that.

Just leave it alone, girl.

I just wanna make sure everything's okay.

Here, this should help you.

What?

How come nobody ever listens to Frankie?

Bitches.

-Hey. -That was a gunshot.

Get your ass back in here, Huckleberry.

Get off of me!

Help!

Don't shoot, you moron, you're gonna hit her.

Don't shoot--

That bastard killed my wife and now it's gonna pay.

Are you okay? Come on.

I think so.

Thank God he is one lousy shot.

That could've been a lot worse, honey.

What the hell is wrong with you, man?

You almost blew her brains out.

I didn't, did I? I am gonna kill that damn thing.

There's more guns in the house.

And so?

So why don't you make yourself useful and go grab one

- so you can help me out. - Huh?

Make myself useful?

What a dick.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

And where are you going, Huckleberry?

We have to help him.

No, we don't.

Let's just let him deal with it on his own.

We need to get outta here.

That thing killed all my friends.

It's payback time.

Okay, listen, Sarah Connor,

just at least go grab one of his guns first.

-No. -Excuse me?

What do you mean, no?

I don't like guns.

Uh, of course you don't.

I should have known

you were one of those anti-gun people.

Well, I've got good reason to be anti-gun.

Well, why?

Because...

my dad was an abusive alcoholic,

and one night he was attacking my mom.

So I took his gun and shot him.

Oh!

Jesus, Huckleberry.

I'm so sorry.

I had to, he was gonna kill her.

It's okay, come here.

I totally understand.

My dad was an asshole too.

Oh, there he goes.

Come on, let's go help him

before he blows his dick off, or something.

Come out, come out

wherever you are, you little shit!

Ooh. Ha-ha, just in case.

Oh, wait, Huckleberry, this one's defective.

That's a guard, Frankie.

I knew that.

Hang on, Johnny, we're coming!

Frankie!

Get off me, you little fucker.

Well, if I didn't have rabies, I definitely do now.

Holy shit, Huckleberry, nice shot.

You okay?

Well, I'll live.

Thanks to you, of course.

Where the hell did you learn to shoot like that?

Guess I'm just a natural.

And thank God for that.

Can you do me a favor?

What's that, Frankie?

Can you please take us to the hospital?

Look at us, Carrie.

Come on, let's go.

Red on blue is not a good look.

One hell of a shot.