Original subtitles

Mr Blake.

(imitating a female voice) Oh, hi, Mr, there,

here, I have your medication here.

Yeah, you take two of these, and you shove them straight up your...

(in a deep voice) Fuck sake!

Dowling?

(in the female voice) Oh, not this gobshite again!

(in a deep voice) How's it going? I woke up this morning

with me arse where me dick should be.

(in his normal voice) And for fuck's sake, stop thinking about ass stuff.

No one has ass stuff.

(sighs)

Shit, that's me. (laughs) Okay.

Dinosaur pasta?

I'm good. I'm just here to hear about my ass stuff.

Okay, no worries. We're gonna look after you today, okay?

Thank you. If you'd like to take a seat over here.

Great. Thank you.

And, oh, she's ready to see you, Mr...?

Oh, sorry.

Uh... My name is...

♪ I had my shit in the closet

♪ I got some space if you wanted ♪

Wow, what a lovely big empty room.

I'm sure your patients feel really comfortable here.

What do you want?

I have a medical issue.

You know you only get a lollipop

if you're a child. I don't want a lollypop.

And I don't think you should be giving them out anymore.

Like, it's really weird.

It's good for children to have an incentive.

Yeah, like the time you said we'd go to Disneyland

if I did all my homework for the week?

That was your father, actually.

And then when I didn't,

you printed out a picture of Mickey Mouse and then shredded it

in front of me.

I had you very young.

Great parenting. So good.

Okay, so what can I help you with today?

I think I have ADHD. Mm-hmm.

No, you don't. Hah! Wow.

I know you.

So don't you think that might be exactly the problem?

Like, you're not objective.

No, the problem is, and always has been,

that you have no motivation.

You want to blame everyone else, as always.

A, wrong.

And B, like what?

If I was a completely different person

and I just walked in here and I was describing the same symptoms,

what would you say then? But you're not.

(laughs) See, I knew this would happen.

Oh, no, please.

Please, not him.

Ahoy. Christ.

Yeah, right I be feeling like I...

I don't know, like just lost me north star at the moment.

And like my flatmates are worried I can't take home any, you know,

what's the fucking other word for treasure?

Like, I can never remember what time I'm supposed to be pillaging at.

And like... I will refer you.

What is the other fucking word for treasure?

See, I'm always forgetting things. Enough.

Hang on, wait. No, you said refer.

Yeah, you will.

With the express understanding that this is a long process,

it requires a huge amount of patience,

and there's no guarantee

that you will get the answers that you're looking for.

And even if you do,

it might not change your life the way that you hope it will.

Okay?

Okay.

Okay.

Thanks, ma'am. Don't call me ma'am.

Thanks, mommy. Don't call me mommy.

Mr. Peters. Take a seat.

Yeah, I'm sorry. It's not good news.

It appears to have spread to your...

Booty, that's the other word for treasure.

Get out. Get out.

Sorry for your loss.

Welcome back to Kane is Able.

Look, I'm just glad he's back in the comedy scene.

It's this time he paid his dues.

Anyone alive or dead?

Probably me ma, so I have to see her again.

Zoom in on JFK's school.

A week and a half, The Woke Shop.

I want you to all down there. We've got an amazing lineup.

We have got the laughing Pakistani.

We have got fresh out the box.

Well, he is very funny. He does this thing

where he puts on a dress and just pretends that he's an English man.

You've probably seen his video. Very funny.

And if you like that... (screams) Fuck!

Not like Oliver, but like Ollie.

No.

Ollie is the most colonial name I've ever heard.

It literally sounds like he drinks soup from the tit.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck,

Hey! I don't know whether you realise,

but you're saying fuck out loud a lot, so...

I just thought I checked in.

(muffled) Ah, I don't have anything. Any what?

Material, for the gig!

Joe Kane is gonna ruin me.

Ah, I bet you do, though. Just... You're funny. Be funny.

Do you remember that time in primary school

when I told Brian Dermody I knew everything about Ancient Egypt

and I actually knew fuck all.

And then Mr. Ryan overheard me,

made me give a presentation in front of the class.

Yeah, didn't you say something weird,

like they wanted to shag cats or something?

No, I said they revered cats,

so someone had probably bred with them.

And then Mr. Ryan said that wasn't true.

And I kept saying, How do you explain this thing?

And I got so mad at him I tried to piss myself.

Why? I wanted to make him feel bad, but I couldn't pee.

So I just stood there getting redder and redder and redder,

and then my willy's started to hurt. Okay, okay, stop.

See, the problem there,

right, was that you didn't actually know anything about ancient Egypt.

Yeah... But you do know this stuff, right?

You do. It's all in there subconsciously.

You just have to let it out.

But I don't think I should be letting it out

for the first time on stage in front of 400 people. So don't.

Sorry, sorry.

No, it's not like... Just enjoy yourself.

Shut the fuck up, Jack. Jack.

Eh... Hah!

No, like... Ha ha ha.

Sorry, just...

That's mine.

(clears her throat)

Ugh!

Sorry about that. Okay. Uhm...

So. Okay.

Eeeh!

(door closes)

Is he coming back? No.

♪♪

Whoa! Shit, sorry.

No, you're okay. Rick?

Do we know each other?

Your name tag. Oh, yeah.

I forget I have that on sometimes.

Must be a tough watch.

Watching everyone.

See your name tag.

Yeah. Can I help you with anything?

Yeah.

I need to buy some flowers.

Flowers?

Okay, I don't know where the flowers are,

but my colleague Rebecca does.

Rebecca? Don't worry about it. Don't worry about it.

Forget about it. Forget it. Yeah?

So this man is looking for flowers.

Can you tell him where they are.

What do you need flowers for?

I need to apologise to someone.

What'd you do? I was an asshole.

And impatient.

Yeah, and unappreciative and pretty rude, I'd imagine.

Yeah, all those things. And if she don't like flowers?

It's the thought that counts?

Yeah, okay. Problem solved then.

Well, I think flowers are a great idea.

Would you fuck off?

Wow.

When are you going to stop leading me on and kill him already?

Would that impress you?

It doesn't take that much.

I'd be impressed by a cup of coffee. Oh.

Do you want to hang out then?

No. Oh. Okay.

I just actually have to do some work today.

You know, because I got in shit the last time.

I could hang out after. Class.

Yes. Cool. Cool.

So like four hours?

Four hours? It's not gonna work for me.

I got like 10% battery, and I will find a place in here.

I'm going to charge it.

Okay. So see you in...

Four hours. Correct.

(grunts)

Is that real?

Oh, I don't work here.

(dog barking)

(barking continues)

Hey, buddy.

Sit.

Okay.

Paw?

Belly?

Do you always do what other people tell you?

No.

Yes. Yeah, I don't know.

I guess I just presume other people are right.

They're right or you're wrong?

Aren't those the same thing?

No.

How are you here? Same reason you are.

Oh, you fancy Rebecca as well? Oof.

Hands off. Paws off.

No. I'm a dog.

Oh, you mean like, metaphorically?

Let's talk about your decisions. Comedy.

Decisions? Like, what decisions?

Why do you want to do this?

Like, everything just happens, and I go along,

and I worry that if I choose something that I actually want,

well, that's just going to be the wrong thing because I chose it.

What do I know? It sounds like you don't trust yourself.

I don't know myself.

I know I don't like myself.

And I know I can't believe myself.

And I know I'm...

just like...

wasting everyone's time.

Like...

Like burdening them. Okay.

Why?

(sighs) I don't...

I don't want to think about that.

You can always choose something else.

Like it's my decision?

Every day.

Are you ready? Ready?

Hello?

You ready? Ready?

The dog's said I need to be good. What?

Wh... What? What?

Nothing. Hey.

Hey.

Hi. Hi.

What do you want to do?

So I have like seven euro to my name.

Okay.

So like dealers' choice.

Well, uh...

do you want to help me wash my car?

I'm choosing yes myself.

Okay.

Yeah, it's this way? Okay.

♪ Tongue out, oh i know you like that ♪

Oy, oy!

No, no, wait wait. Why, what do you...?

What's wrong?

I mean, I was right.

I've actually never been in a car wash before.

Really?

No, like, I don't drive,

and I'm financially ruined.

So what do you mean you've never done this before?

Yeah, I don't drive. Yeah, okay.

Wouldn't be a point in doing it. Yeah.

I haven't been in one in like 10 years.

Not since dad died. What happened?

He just walked in.

Yeah, you're not supposed to do that. Yeah, no. Really annoying...

(laughing) that my dad died. Sorry.

Oh, no. Yeah.

It's pretty loud, isn't it?

Yeah, I think this one is like three washing levels or something.

Three? How do you even know that?

It said it on the sign.

Oh! (laughs)

You're actually scared.

No, no way.

Do you need me to hold your hand?

♪ I should be so lucky

♪ If you'd only touch me ♪

Where are the coffees?

Oh, I left them on the room. Oh, no, no, no.

No! Oh, my gosh.

I'm sorry.

Can you close it now?

Oh, yeah.

(she laughs)

So hang on, just, sorry...

Presumably, your dad didn't actually die in a car wash.

No. Okay.

Although clearly, it's possible. Yeah, yeah. We could've drowned.

I know. Oh, my God.

(sighs) No, no. Parents are alive and kicking.

I have a sister as well, lives in Australia,

so I haven't seen her in like a year.

(sighs) What about you?

So my mam is my doctor?

Seriously? Mmh.

I actually did see her earlier today because, um...

I think I have ADHD.

That checks out. Does it?

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

That's pretty funny, though, that you go to see her, you know.

You should make a video about that.

I'm actually thinking about focusing on, like, live comedy.

Really? Yeah.

Nice. Yeah.

That's cool. Yeah, cool.

There's actually an open mic that I check out sometimes.

It's on this Friday. Shit.

Can't do Friday. That's the Woke Shop gig.

You're doing that? Yeah.

Like, that was Joe Kane that messaged me.

He... he gave me a slot.

Remember when I walked out like a sap?

Yeah, that's a pretty shit gig.

Well, I'm just starting out, so I need to build an audience.

Is that the audience that you want?

They're just people. They're assholes.

They're Peterson and Tate wannabes.

And he is a fucking...

I honestly don't think Joe Kane's that bad, like.

He's been super supportive to me.

Look at his voice note he sent me.

Hey.

Here.

Look at that.

Here, man, I've genuinely been looking into this shit.

I'm just not convinced that the Earth is round.

I think we're being lied to, and it all goes back to Antartica.

We have to be looking at Antartica.

So that's out of context.

But, like, normally... Why are you defending him?

I just don't think we have enough insight

into what his process might be.

What process? He doesn't have a process.

He just says stupid and offensive shit all the time.

When you're playing a character, sometimes you have to...

Oh my God, okay, okay, stop.

Why do you want to do this?

It's not a difficult question.

People said I was funny when I was a kid.

Like, the video's doing well...

Yeah, but you're not talking about doing videos.

You're talking about doing stand-up,

which you need to have something to say.

So what do you want to say?

Why do you want to do it? I don't know.

I guess no one's ever picked me for anything, ever.

Yeah, but that's got nothing to do with you.

Why can't I just have someone else, like,

want something for me and pick it,

and then I'll decide what I want to do, like, later?

Duh!

Because you just don't seem to know anything about it.

All right, what do you know about comedy?

Like, you just work at a supermarket.

Yeah, that's me. Just works in a supermarket.

And you don't have a fucking job.

And you also said that you have seven euro.

I actually don't have anything now

because I just spent it on a fucking car wash.

Look, you don't get

what you're talking about. Or, like, I don't mean that.

It's just like you're not in that world, all right?

And I know I'm not either, but like, Joe Kane is, okay?

You don't know me. I'm not that, like...

Like, I'm... It's different.

Can you get out of my car, please?

Fine. Fine.

Fine. Fine.

Fine.

Wait, wait... Ah!

Did I just run over your foot?

(strangled voice) Yeah, yeah.

Oh Jesus.

♪ (Pretty in Pink by The Psychedelic Furs)

♪ Caroline laughs and it's raining all day

♪ She loves to be one of the girls

♪ She lives in the place in the side of our lives

♪ Where nothing is ever put straight

♪ She turns herself round and she smiles and she says,

♪ This is it, that's the end of the joke..

♪ And loses herself in her dreaming and sleep... ♪

Subtitles: RTÉ 2024