Original subtitles

Hey. Hey! Wah! Wha-what!?

Questions to the ADHD quiz. Yeah.

Number 15. Do you find yourself easily distracted?

I found a list of celebrities with ADHD. Oooh.

That's a yes. Apparently, Hitler had it.

Is it difficult for you to empathise with perspectives

different from your own?

I'd say Hitler struggled with empathy, all right.

Do you tend to act impulsively without anticipating the consequences?

Where did you even get that? Sorry.

Goebbels is here, too. What website are you on?

Do you form strong attachments to things? Not particularly.

Give me your phone for a second. No way.

Tick. 80,000 views?

Yeah, it's crazy. 80,002.

Can you make money off this? I don't know.

What's the next video going to be? Next video? Done.

It's going to send the results to your email.

Well, yeah, you want to keep up the momentum.

Strike all the iron's hot. Are you still Pusslover69@gmail.com?

I made it when I was 13. Okay, I found one that's not a Nazi.

All right, who? Adam Levine. Who's that?

BOTH: The lead singer from Maroon 5. Fuck's sake.

Going for a walk.

♪ I hide my shit in the closet

♪ I've got some space if you want it.♪ Well, well, well.

(long exhale)

Second video, second video, second video.

(phone pings)

Stop.

All right, all right.

Video about piss man.

Piss man with the power of pissing.

And when he pisses and he drinks the piss,

he gets even more power to piss more.

Fucking stupid. That's so stupid.

(phone pings)

Stop it, okay.

Video.

Goths on a date.

Goths in love.

Goth cheats on the other goth.

"Sorry, baby, I shagged a bat.

"I thought he was Dracula.

"Now I've got COVID." Duh! Duhhh!

Ffff- (phone pings)

STOP! This is why you...

♪ (atmospheric music rises)

(clown sobs) Fuck's sake,

why is there nothing interesting happening in this park!?

(phone pings)

(phone pings repeatedly)

♪ (intense music)

(exhales) What a lick!

That's his dick.

Rick.

(thwack) (moaning)

Stop it!

Don't be on your phone.

What the fuck are you doing? I'm sorry! (groaning)

No...

Rick. ♪ (action film music)

(thud) Argh!

(screeching)

Daaahhh! Tough watch.

Ah! No.

Rick.

(sobbing) Sorry.

(sniffling) Sorry.

It's okay.

So sorry.

♪ (romantic music)

(weeping) Make me feel good. Make me feel good.

(zipper opens) Make me feel good...

(moans) No.

Hm. What are you doing? What?

Huh? Nothing.

Why are you staring at Rick like that?

I have to ask him a question... about beans.

That's really weird.

Yes, I'm sorry.

Well, I can answer your question. Oh, do you work here?

Ehh...

No.

No, it just came in for some cereal.

And then I tripped up the guy who worked behind the deli counter

and he fell and hit his head, so I panicked and put his clothes on.

Oh my God, what are you going to do? I don't know.

I think he's dead. Yeah. (phone pinging repeatedly)

Oh, Jesus. What is that noise?

I em... Sorry.

I did a video and I'm getting notifications about it.

Yeah, you do know you could just put that on silent. Yeah, I guess.

I mean, I can even do it for you.

I'll just... It's right there. Yeah. Wow.

It's nice. Yeah. Thank you.

I think I saw your video.

Cool.

How come you don't have any more? You checked for more?

Did you really get fired?

Yeah. Any jobs going here?

Well, only if you... Eh...

Only if you kill Rick and steal his clothes.

I really want to.

Well, I can tell. You were standing there for like 5 minutes. So...

I'm actually trying... I don't know.

I'm trying to make another video today, but I don't know.

It's going a bit...shit.

Why?

I don't know. I can't concentrate or something.

But then just look around you, you know?

Hadn't thought of that. Yeah, great. Okay. Em...

Yeah, you see that old man standing over there?

So he comes in here every day at the exact same time,

and he buys one packet of ham.

Just the one.

Rumour is that his wife died years ago,

and he has been trying to rebuild her ever since with ham.

Bit by bit.

When he goes for the Billy Roll, we I know his task is complete.

Hmm... That's not true.

No. Look, just...

You know, make shit up. Throw shit at the wall. Mm-hmm.

Okay, here.

So do something. Em... Make shit up.

Come on. Flour.

What would you do with flour?

Okay. Ooooh. What the fuck is that?

Sorry, the character's English. That's your English sound?

Yeah, they all speak like that. Okay, all right.

Oh, nobody ever buys me flowers.

All I do is cook for my kids. Good, good. That's good.

Okay, give me your phone. No. What? Why?

Come on, this is gold.

I had a mop on my head last time.

This is how you do it. Come on.

It's good. You are a single mother of 9, right?

Mm-hmm. Yeah. You've lost direction in your life.

Now, you're starting to wonder deep down

if maybe you've made the right decisions.

And what about the sketch? My life's a mess.

All right, let's see. Okay. Okay. And action.

Oh, who wants some bread from mammy?

Argh, it's stupid. Good, it's good.

I don't know. No, it's bad.

Okay, we'll do some more.

We'll try something else. Come on.

Oh, who put all my fairy liquid in there?

Okay, so she's never seen a bubble. Never seen a bubble.

Never seen a bubble. She's never seen a bubble.

Ahhhh!

She's making pasta. She's, she's - Dinosaur pasta.

Oh, I remember them when I was a kid.

BOTH: Because she's old!

Rebecca!

I'm making a sale.

Can I do this?

No, because then if it falls, I'll have to clean it up.

Oh, I'm the English mummy.

Let's do something else. Okay. Em... Oh, shit. That's me.

Okay. Turn it around, turn it around.

Oh, yeah, yes.

You've made loads of jam. Loads of jam.

Oh! Loads'a jam.

(phone vibrates) No, no no. I've made too much... Aw, shit.

Man, you've got... Stupid, I dunno, I don't know about that.

You just got a comment from Crack Joe Kane. What?

You know the guy who runs the comedy night that everyone keeps getting cancelled for?

♪ (electric guitar riff)

Hey, guys. Welcome to Kane is Able with me, Joe Kane.

ARGHHHH!

My pronouns: He/Ro.

My ideal woman, the body of Molly Malone,

the mind of Nigel Farage.

Guys, féach air seo.

(snorting)

(malicious laughter)

Yeah, it's called The Woke Shop.

What does it say?

Em... Hey, man, love the sketch.

Peep DMs.

My God, peep DMs. What a prick.

Let me see. No, come on.

We just, we've way more to get in the Jam Lady Cinematic Universe.

Can I please just have my phone?

Yeah.

Whoa. It's 48 minutes.

I should probably go back to work anyway, before Rick starts hounding.

Yeah. Em, I need to listen to this.

Thanks.

Yep.

Hey, brother. Joe Kane of The Woke Shop here.

That's a tight little video you have. (laughing) Oh, yeah.

"You want to act up?"

Here, you ever thought about doing some stand-up?

In the Woke Shop, I've created a space where people

can just fully become ungovernable.

I've always considered myself somewhat of a truth junkie,

and it's my mission to pass that gospel on to my disciples.

Suppose you could say that my journey to the game wasn't straightforward.

Started off in mixology. Was a DJ for a while, DJ rim job.

People fucking hated it, but hey, got them talking...

..I just think it's important to give credit where credit is due,

and he made this country a world player when it comes to martial arts.

Look, I'm going to book you in for a 20 minutes support slot in a week.

Think you can handle that, big dog? The lineup is full of top Gs.

We've got the bander builder, the laughing Pakistani,

and the lad who made the show about the priest is going to read a poem

from the bird who wrote that book about the boy magician or something.

You're ready to take your place among the greats?

Oh, yeah.

Daddy likey yeahhhh. (knocking)

Put one up?

No, actually. (soft laugh) Have you heard of crack Joe Kane?

He makes those videos online.

Oh, God yeah. That guy's such an asshole.

He asked me to do a gig.

Oh.

Okay.

That's great(?)

Really?

This is my supportive face.

Mmm. You should tell your face.

And this is my supportive finger. (laughs)

I don't know. I know he's a bit mad, but he's got a really big audience.

I don't know. It feels like a big opportunity.

Like I could really do something with this, make a go of it,

and make it good.

Yeah, okay.

You don't have to convince me.

Like, I just don't want to keep...

Fucking up.

Hey.

I'm always on your team, remember?

(mouth cupping noise)

Jesus Christ.

Right, corn's ready. All right, great. Get Alexa to play some Korn.

Can we not do Korn corn, Sunday's again, please?

What era are we thinking of Korn?

I'm not a fan of corn. Freak on a leash.

Yeah, yeah, classic. Find the music very abrasive.

Babe.

Respect the sanctity.

I love you. Yeah.

Then we're going to check your email, okay?

Wait, what?

For the ADHD results. ..HD test quiz.

Results thing. Yeah, we were doing.

♪ (Freak on a Leash - Korn)

♪ Something takes a part of me

♪ Something lost and never seen

(email tone)

♪ Every time I start to believe

(phone pings)

♪ Something's raped and taken from me, from me.♪

Shit.

Shit, that's me. (laughs) Okay. Dinosaur pasta.

Oh, I remember them when I was a kid.

BOTH: Because she's old!

I'm really bad at this. No, you're not.

This is good. This is good.

♪ Feeling like a freak on a lease. (You wanna see the light)

♪ Feeling like I have no release. (So do I)

♪ How many times have I felt deceased? (You wanna see the light)

♪ Nothing in my life is free, is free.

♪ Sometimes I cannot take this place.

♪ Sometimes it's my life I can't taste.

♪ Sometimes I cannot feel my face.

♪ You'll never see me fall from grace.

♪ Something takes a part of me.

♪ You and I were meant to be.

♪ A cheap ... for me to lay.

♪ Something takes a part of me.