Original subtitles

(in high pitched voice, English accent) Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph,

if you leave that immersion on one more time...

(in normal voice) Fuck, hang on. Hang on.

(in squeaky English accent) Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph,

if you leave that immersion on one more time,

I'll grab that wooden spoon and...

(in normal voice) Fuckin' hell! Hang on.

(in squeaky English accent) Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph,

if you leave that immersion on one more time

I'll grab that wooden spoon and not even flat 7Up...

Ohhh!

Close that bleedin' door, were you born in a barn?

You're fired, man.

But why?

♪ I hide my shit in the closet

♪ I got some space if you want it ♪

So Jack says you do comedy?

Like, videos, like, sketches, that sort of thing. Just for a laugh.

Did you ever see that video, the fellow pretended to be

the days of the week on his stag do?

Eh, is Monday really sad?

And does Friday wear sunglasses? Ah, so you have seen it?

(laughing) No, I actually haven't. Haven't seen it.

Okay, well, it's pretty simple, man.

Stock comes in and out all day.

Just make space and put it away. (dog barks)

It's pretty organised as it is,

the only thing I recommend (barking gets louder)

(voice fading) is to put the heavy stuff on the bottom shelf.

(barking continues) The steel-toe boots, for example,

that can run up to three, four kg per foot.

If you don't want that falling on top of you from four foot up.

I'd say that's the most important thing to remember.

(barking stops, voice at normal volume) You got it? Got it!

Yeah.

Let's crack on then!

(laughing) Ah, yeah! Bang, bang! Ah! Oh!

(laughs) Urgh! Argh! Ohh!

We're gonna get massacred, my boy! Aaaaah!

(laughs nervously) It's gonna be great. It's gonna be good.

It's gonna be such great... yeah. Yeah! Yeah!

(sighs)

(grunts) (creaking)

Awww, there's no space here!

(groans)

Have you seen the steel-toe boots?

The lads from the building site are in.

Six pairs they're after!

Em, I think I had to make room for the sandals.

Oh, yeah, they're up there now.

(sighs)

(sighs) Wiki how...

Stack shelf...

♪ (opera music) ♪ O mio babbino... ♪ Videos...

♪ Caro ♪ (scraping)

♪ Mi piace, è bello... ♪ I'm not doing that!

(thud) (groans)

(continues groaning)

Oh! Ah! Oh! Eh... you alright?

Eh... you alright? (groans)

(claps) So Eugene is stable. Oh, thank God!

What was he thinking?!

You don't put the heavier stuff on the top shelf.

Well, he could have told me that, but it's fine.

Well, I'm gonna have to give you a verbal warning.

Wha'?!

Hey, how about we put you on the shop floor for the rest of the day?

Yeah, all right, yeah!

One of the perks of the job is the uniform, right?

You get a free pair of trainers to wear in work,

so pick anything you want.

Ah, the Oliver Jagos?

Ah, see, they'd be more the high-end designer type.

We don't usually allow... and they're on your feet.

Ohhh!

Woah!

(shoes squeak)

(shoes squeak) Woah!

(claps) Fine.

Just ask the customer what size they want...

and let them try on one shoe. (shoes squeak)

(shoes continue squeaking) We found that if they have both,

they're more likely to ste... (shoes continue squeaking)

You're not even listening to me, are you?

(squeals) (shoes continue squeaking)

Right. Eh...

(squeaking stops) Just leave the shoes at the till.

You got it? Got it.

(sighs)

(snaps fingers)

(sighs)

(in London accent) What's the craic? (laughs)

Hey!

Eh, can I get you a shoe? (in London accent) Come here to me!

Your man there said you could get me these brógaí in a size seacht.

What's going on? Are you Irish?

Janey mac! I am Irish, yeah. (laughs nervously) Yeah!

Well, me old one and me old lad are,

but we moved to Woking when I was a chisler.

Weeey! And they all speak like you.

You're gas, mate! (both laugh)

But yeah, we sound the same, to be sure. (nervously) Uh huh.

Anyway, these brógaí, size seacht. Wha'?

Size seven. Yeah! Oh, yeah!

I'm one of you! Ah yeah! (laughs nervously)

We're the same! (laughs nervously) Yeah!

(laughing) What's going on?

Ahhh...

(hums "Amhrán na bhFiann")

Ohhhh!

(laughs) Ahoy-hoy!

Are ya "seacht" that I was that fast?

Now we're sucking diesel! (laughs)

Ooh, thanks, fella!

I'll take these to the till.

I don't need to try 'em on,

I've already got a pair that are banjaxed. (laughing) Banjaxed?

Everything you say is rad!

(both laugh)

(laughing) Oh my God!

..Irish guy... (mutters)

Who's the English guy? He's actually Irish, would you believe?

Em, he's, em...

(retreating footsteps)

Shit.

I mean, he really didn't look like a robber.

I'm gonna have to give you a written warning here, man.

Ah, wha...?

(grunts)

(Eugene groans) Oh, my God, man, I'm so sorry!

(speaking through device) It's okay.

Did they say how long you have to use that thing for?

Six months. Ah, God!

Eh, when's your daughter's wedding again?

Friday. Oh, Jesus!

(laughing) Well, actually, just to cheer you up,

it might make you laugh. There was a fellow upstairs, right?

And he was a proper Cockney geezer,

but everything he said was, like, really Irish. He was all like...

(in English accent) "Oh, Janey Mac, me shoes are banjaxed,

to be sure, to be sure!"

And then he actually robbed the shoes.

(laughs) Oh, the fucking cant!

Actually, he said his ma spoke like that as well.

Could you imagine that? Like...

(in squeaky English accent) Oh, I'm an English mammy!

Oh, you better not leave that immersion on! (Eugene laughs)

(Eugene continues laughing) ♪ (distant dance music)

Eugene, will you help me record something real quick?

♪ (music gets louder)

(in squeaky English accent) Oh, Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!

Who left that bloody immers..? (in normal voice) Fuck!

Hang on, one more time.

(in squeaky English accent) Oh, Jaysus, Mary and Joseph!

If you leave that immersion on one more time...

I'll grab that wooden spoon already or I'll...

(in own voice) Fucking hell! What is the line?

(in squeaky English accent) Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph,

if you leave that immersion on one more time,

(thud) Oh!

(phone bounces on the floor)

Ohhhh....

(in squeaky English accent) Close that bleedin' door,

were you born in a barn?

You're fired, man.

(in normal voice) But why?

Are you serious?

This whole day, man.

(in squeaky English accent) You must think I'm bloody made of money!

(in normal voice) I don't have it. You have to go.

(in squeaky English accent) Okay, I will.

Thank you. (in squeaky English accent) I will in me shite!

Ohhhh, I will in me shite! I'm a... What is wrong with you?

And what is this?!

(in squeaky English accent) You must think I came down

in the last shower, 'cause a little birdy told me,

you've to give me a final written warning, to be sure, to be sure.

Are you gonna be late again tomorrow?

Probably, oooh...

Thanks for coming in. Leave the shoes at the till.

(door slams)

(in normal voice) Oh, what are we gonna do, Eugene?

Eugene?

(Eugene groans) You all right?

♪ FIZZ "The Secret to Life"

♪ I hide my shit in the closet

♪ I got some space if you want it

♪ It's cool, it isn't a problem, now, right now ♪

(music fades)

Oh, can we swap?

My wrist is sore.

(phone clicks)

So your wrist is too sore to stir risotto, but completely fine

to death-grip your flute for an hour.

Oui, chef.

Mm. I'm home!

I've dinner. Woo!

Come on, he never does this.

Oh, them death-grip biceps, though! (he laughs)

Oh, our own little hunter-gatherer! What did you bring us?

Right, so, like, yellow stickers' finest, right?

Thought we could go for kinda 7-year-old birthday party vibes.

Oh!

(laughing) Okay.

Bang those in the air fryer, would you, brother?

20 minutes on high, right?

And then give the basket a decent shake halfway through.

It's gonna be pretty heavy, but no better man for the job.

So what are we watching?

We are gonna watch Riverdance, Eurovision 94.

Shit, bad first day?

No, no, it was good. Em...

Just want to remember what this country used to be.

♪ I need friends, baby ♪

(inhaling) Always gettin' off me bin! ♪ I need friends, baby ♪

And like, eh, he's, like English,

(she laughs) And everything he said,

everything he said was like that. It was like he was reading from

one of those, like "You know you're Irish when"

You know? Kind of thing. That's insane. That's illegal.

It should be illegal. But you do have to tell me

if he comes in again tomorrow. Em...

Yeah.

No, I will, yeah, Oh, hang on!

What? Ho ho ho!

Bam, bam! Whoa! (shoes squeak)

Jesus Christ. Right, sausages are ready.

Actually, d'you know what?

Pretty stuffed from the cake, brother, but thank you so much.

All right, here we go. What? (grunts)

(together with TV presenter) Ladies and gentlemen...

Riverdance.

♪ Bill Whelan "Riverdance"

And now, Jean Butler with the Dance of the River Woman.

She's dancing in the soft-shoe Irish style.

And now, earth rise!

Michael Flatley showing his mastery of the hard-shoe tap.

(laughing) Why do yous always watch this? (makes indignant noise)

Why do we always what?!

It's only the greatest night in Irish history!

(laughing) Sorry, why do we... Hang on!

Why do we carry a...

Riverdance.

The haunting vocals of Anúna, the plucked strings of Bill Whelan,

the grace and poise of Jean Butler,

the flair and intensity of Michael Flatley. They entwine.

The ensemble joins, building to a crescendo where Terry Wogan himself,

lost for words, utters "Good grief!"

the small hairs standing up on the back of every Irishman's neck.

And just one hour later,

"Rock 'n' Roll Kids" will win for Ireland a third time in a row

and a record-breaking sixth time overall,

positioning our small island,

not just as outright Eurovision champions,

but as a global cultural superpower!

(both clap and cheer) (he laughs nervously)

Also, I got sacked today and I almost killed a guy!

(laughs in an unhinged manner)

Can you find him something else? He's just gonna do it again.

Look, I take my job seriously,

and I'm starting to lose credibility as a recruiter.

He just needs the right thing. He doesn't need the right thing,

he's just lazy.

Look, I will sort his rent for this month.

Babe, I love you, but how are we supposed to save for a gaff

if our tenant only pays rent whenever he can?

Come on, he just needs some help! You help him all the time!

(under her breath) Fuck's sake.

Don't pretend to be asleep. Huh? I hate that.

Stop. What?

(laughing) Stop. What's going on? Stop.

Sorry.

Look, Jack is gonna line up some interviews for tomorrow,

but it's the last time, okay?

Sorry. Last time! Sorry!

(he sighs) Please try .

(sighs)

♪ (jazz music)

So, have you seen Volf of Vall Street?

Have I seen Wolf...? Wolf of... Yeah, Wolf of Wall Street!

Yeah, DiCaprio and yeah, Scorsese, I... So, eh...

..the car and he can't get in.... Sell me this vape.

Ha. Ha. Eh... Okay.

Excuse me, madam, you look like a convicted vapist.

(laughs) Right? Eh, we got some flavours you wouldn't believe.

You... you can go. Hmm?

Oh, yeah. Oh, God.

That sounds like, yeah, the vapist sounds like a bad thing.

I don't know why I... vapist...

♪ (jazz music) (she sighs)

So, you follow the clues,

you find the key, and then you get the job.

Yeah, great. Easy.

Eh.. When you see me, I may bring a fright, mmm...

But for a child, I bring comfort at night.

Okay. Okay.

(laughs)

The answer is a lamp.

(bash, bulb breaks) Aaah!

No, the answer is a doll, man. Wha'?

Comfort at night! The key's on the back!

Oh, very good. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah,comfort for a child.

Mmm... We take a lot of pride in this place.

I'd say so.

It's gorgeous, can I say? Thank you so much.

Well, look, you've seen place. Let's get to know each other.

Yeah, great. Where do you see yourself in five years?

(laughs) Fuck you.

(traffic)

(on phone) Ohhhhh!

(in squeaky English accent) Were you born in a barn?

Close the bloody door!

(laughs) You're fired, man.

But why?

(phone notification) English...

(phone keys tapping) English... mammy....

(phone bleeps)

(low battery notification noise)

(sighs)

(laughs softly)

Hey!

Blimped it, man.

Might want to get some plastic sheets

if you keep shittin' the bed so much.

Didn't land any, no? Not a one!

And Terry immediately clocked that you have ADHD.

(laughs) Oh, was Terry the Spanish one?

Sofia was the Brazilian one.

Oh, that's bad, isn't it?

Wait, sorry...

She thinks I have ADHD?

Yeah.

Don't you?

(on phone) I will in my shite, oh! I will in me shite! (laughing) God!

That video was so fucking funny!

It's got, like, 12,000 views already.

(in American accent) Fresh spaghetti, my queen?

No, I had a big lunch, ya ride. It has what?!

(on phone) I'll ram that wooden spoon... Huh?

..not even flat 7Up'll cure ya!

(laughing) Why did you keep doing the voice, you fucking maniac?

Oh God!

Okay.

(on phone) ..the immersion on one more time, I'll...

(phone beeps) (he gasps) Oh!

(twinkling notification sounds)

(he laughs)

Aaaah!

Ah...

♪ (upbeat electronic music, monologue on phone continues)

(keys tapping)

(keys tapping) (he mutters)

(hits return key hard)

(dog barks, monkey screeches) (he laughs)

Oh... (laughs) What is he even doing?

What are you doing?

♪ Bill Whelan "Riverdance"

("Riverdance" finishes, applause and cheering)

Subtitles: RTÉ 2024