Original subtitles

I'M TELLING YOU,

I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN I EVER HAD SO MUCH FUN

AT A LODGE MEETING.

A LOT OF LAUGHS, A LOT OF LAUGHS.

I NEVER KNEW

HOWARD SPRAGUE COULD BE SO COMICAL.

YEAH. COMICAL, COMICAL, COMICAL.

AND I WAS WORRIED ABOUT HIM BEING THE MASTER OF CEREMONIES.

I DIDN'T THINK HE WAS GONNA BE NOTHING AT ALL.

I GUESS IT WAS THE WAY

THAT HE TOLD THOSE JOKES WITH THAT STRAIGHT FACE.

REAL SERIOUS.

HE NEVER CRACKED A SMILE.

OH, AND WHEN HE TOLD THAT ONE ABOUT...

YEAH! WHICH ONE WAS THAT, FLOYD?

IT WAS THE ONE ABOUT THE FARMER AND THE COW.

OH, YEAH, YEAH!

OH, I-I-I WAS LOCKING UP THE RECEIPTS WHEN HE TOLD THAT.

I MUST HAVE MISSED THAT. HOW'D THAT GO?

WELL, SEEMS THAT THIS FARMER GOT UP

EARLIER THAN USUAL ONE MORNING TO MILK HIS COW.

NAMED BESS.

UH...I'M TELLING THIS STORY.

WELL, TELL IT THE WAY HOWARD TOLD IT.

ANYWAY, WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE

WHAT THE COW'S NAME WAS?

BUT ANYWAY, IT WAS STILL DARK,

AND THE FARMER STARTED TO MILK THE COW,

SEE, WHILE THE COW WAS STILL ASLEEP.

AND THE COW -- NAMED BESS --

NAMED BESS! -- SHE WOKE UP WITH A START.

SHE TURNED AROUND, SHE SAW THE FARMER,

AND SHE SAID, "THANK HEAVENS IT'S YOU!

I THOUGHT I WAS BEING ROBBED!"

HEY!

GO ON IN, GO ON IN.

HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE, HUH?

MAYBERRY'S NUMBER ONE COMEDIAN.

OH, COME ON, GOOBER.

NO, YOU WERE REAL FUNNY, HOWARD.

WELL, I SURE WAS NERVOUS UP THERE.

MAYBE THAT'S WHAT MADE IT SO FUNNY.

HOWARD, EVER BEEN ANY COMEDIANS IN YOUR FAMILY?

NO. NO, NOT REALLY, ALTHOUGH MY UNCLE CARL

USED TO COME OUT WITH SOME GOOD QUIPS

FROM TIME TO TIME.

QUIPS, QUIPS.

I'LL TELL YOU ONE THING--

YOU GONNA BE IN BIG DEMAND

AS A TOASTMASTER FROM NOW ON.

OH, WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

OH, NO?

WELL, THERE'S TALK ALREADY.

IT SO HAPPENS HARRY BLAKE IS GONNA TRY TO GET YOU

FOR THE ANNUAL HIGH JINKS OVER AT THE ELKS.

GEE, THAT'D BE SHOOTING PRETTY HIGH, FLOYD.

THERE'S NO LIMIT TO HOW FAR A GOOD COMEDIAN CAN GO.

OOH, AND THE MONEY YOU CAN MAKE.

WELL, GEE, FELLAS, I STILL HAVE MY JOB TO DO AS COUNTY CLERK.

YOU MEAN, THIS IS THE BEGINNING AND THE END OF IT ALL?

WELL... I WOULDN'T SAY THAT.

IF SOMETHING INTERESTING CAME ALONG...

WHO KNOWS?

"WHO KNOWS?"

[ DISCORDANT MUSIC PLAYING ON TV ]

YEAH. BETTER.

Opie: WHAT'S HE PLAYING, PAW?

HE SAID IT WAS "THE BLUE DANUBE WALTZ,"

SO I GUESS THAT'S WHAT IT IS.

Man: Thank you, thank you, Evan Thorpe.

Gee, that was good.

Well, friends, this winds up

Colonel Tim's Talent Time for this week

and we certainly hope you've enjoyed it

and that you'll be with us next week at this same time.

ANY OF YOU FOLKS OUT THERE

THAT WOULD LIKE TO APPEAR ON OUR PROGRAM,

ALL YOU DO IS WRITE TO ME,

COLONEL TIM, STATION WASG IN RALEIGH,

AND WE'LL SEE THAT YOU GET AN AUDITION.

You know, this could be your stairway to stardom.

WHY, THIS IS THE PROGRAM

THAT LAUNCHED SUCH TELEVISION CAREERS

AND SHOW BUSINESS GREATS AS OZZIE SNAKE,

Rosa May Johnson,

and Jughead Peters and his Aristocrats.

Well, it's bye for now and bless you all.

[ MUSIC PLAYING, AUDIENCE APPLAUDING ]

WELL, IT WASN'T MUCH OF A SHOW, WAS IT, PAW?

I DON'T THINK ED SULLIVAN'S

GOT ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

OH, YOU'RE JUST TOO CRITICAL.

AFTER ALL, IT'S AN AMATEUR PROGRAM.

I THINK THAT BOY SOPRANO SANG "TREES" BEAUTIFULLY.

WELL...

WHAT ABOUT THE GENTLEMAN FROM FAYETTEVILLE

WITH ALL THOSE FUNNY JOKES?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.

I'LL TAKE HOWARD SPRAGUE ANY TIME.

OUR HOWARD SPRAGUE?

YEAH.

I NEVER HEARD MR. SPRAGUE

SAY ANYTHING FUNNY.

YOU WOULD'VE IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN

AT THE LODGE BANQUET.

OUR HOWARD SPRAGUE?

YEAH.

HE TOLD ONE ABOUT THIS FARMER...

ANDY?

...AND HIS COW.

TELL IT, PAW.

I CAN'T TELL IT AS FUNNY AS HE DID.

WELL, IF HE'S THAT GOOD,

WHY DOESN'T HE GO ON COLONEL TIM'S PROGRAM?

HOWARD?

YEAH. YOU SAID HE WAS REAL GREAT.

I MIGHT MENTION THAT TO HIM.

BOY, JUST THINK-- SOMEBODY FROM MAYBERRY ON THE TV.

YEAH. MIGHT PUT US ON THE MAP, HUH?

YEAH.

OH.

HI, OPE.

MORNING, MR. SPRAGUE.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

OH, I GOT TO GET MY BIKE LICENSE RENEWED.

OH, WE CAN TAKE CARE OF THAT

IN PRETTY SHORT ORDER.

MY PAW TALKED TO YOU ABOUT GOING

ON COLONEL TIM'S PROGRAM?

YES. YES, HE DID, OPE, BUT I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, HE SAID YOU WERE REAL FUNNY DOWN AT THE LODGE.

WELL, IT'S A LITTLE DIFFERENT

WHEN YOU GO ON TV WITH A STATEWIDE AUDIENCE.

THAT'S 50 CENTS, OPE.

RIGHT.

I, UH, I HAVE BEEN GOING

OVER SOME JOKES HERE, THOUGH.

COME HERE AND LISTEN TO THIS ONE.

"A MAN DROVE INTO A GARAGE AND CALLED TO THE MECHANIC,

'I'VE GOT A HOLE IN MY RADIATOR AND IT'S LEAKING.'"

"'WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?'" SAID THE MECHANIC.

"'IF I A HAD HOLE IN MY RADIATOR,

IT'D LEAK, TOO.'"

SEE WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH.

SEEMS TO ME LIKE I OUGHT TO HAVE

SOME KIND OF AN ANGLE

ON THE WAY TO TELL THE JOKES OR SOMETHING.

YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, MR. SPRAGUE,

I WATCH A LOT OF TELEVISION SHOWS

WITH COMEDIANS ON IT,

AND IT SEEMS LIKE MOST OF 'EM

TELL JOKES ABOUT THEIR WIVES AND THEIR KIDS

AND THE TOWN THEY LIVE IN AND THE PEOPLE IN THE TOWN,

STUFF LIKE THAT.

OH, YOU MEAN THEY SORT OF PERSONALIZE IT?

YEAH. I GUESS SO.

LIKE IF I WAS TO TELL THIS MECHANIC JOKE

AND PUT IT ONTO GOOBER.

YEAH. THAT'S IT.

IT WOULD SOUND LIKE IT REALLY HAPPENED.

YEAH.

MAYBE THAT'S THE ANGLE

I OUGHT TO USE;

TALK ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN MAYBERRY, HUH?

YEAH.

HEY!

[ "WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN" PLAYING ]

THAT'S BETTER, OPE. SIT DOWN, SIT DOWN.

All: SHH.

MR. SPRAGUE ISN'T ON YET.

YES, OPIE, BUT I KNOW YOU

AND POTATO CHIPS.

WE'LL SAVE THAT CRUNCHING TILL AFTER THE SHOW.

NO, THANK YOU. I'M TOO NERVOUS.

WHAT ARE YOU NERVOUS ABOUT?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA BE UP THERE.

GOOBER, WE'RE ALL GONNA BE UP THERE.

TONIGHT, HOWARD SPRAGUE IS MAYBERRY.

ANDY, ANDY, IS MY TIE ALL RIGHT?

OH, YOUR TIE'S FINE.

YOU'RE GONNA WEAR OUT THE DESIGN,

TYING IT AND UNTYING IT.

I SURE APPRECIATE YOU COMING DOWN HERE WITH ME.

YOU CAN THANK ME WITH AN AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE

WHEN YOU'RE A BIG HIT.

YOU'RE ON NEXT. BLESS YOU.

ANDY, WHAT'S MY FIRST LINE?

"THANK YOU."

THANK YOU, COLONEL TIM.

THANK YOU, COLONEL TIM.

Thank you, Agnes Jean Babcock.

ISN'T SHE A DOLL?

AND NOW, FRIENDS, OUR NEXT DISCOVERY:

HERE'S A MAN WHO HOLDS THE POSITION OF COUNTY CLERK

AND THIS, TONIGHT, IS HIS TELEVISION DEBUT.

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY THE MERRY MADCAP OF MAYBERRY,

HOWARD SPRAGUE!

HEY, HOWARD!

THERE HE IS!

THERE'S OUR HOWARD.

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE HE DOES IN PERSON.

NOTICE HOW HIS HAIR IS SHOWING UP.

I GAVE HIM THAT TRIM JUST BEFORE HE LEFT.

I WAXED HIS CAR.

THANK YOU, CAPTAIN TOM...

COLONEL TOM...

TIM... SIR.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU?

HE'S GOT THEM IN THE PALM OF HIS HAND.

WELL, UH, AS YOU ALL HEARD,

I COME FROM A SMALL TOWN CALLED MAYBERRY.

And when I say small, it's so small,

they had to widen Main Street

to put a white line down the middle.

I CONSIDER THAT A VERY DISPARAGING REMARK.

OH, CLARA.

WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, CLARA?

GO GET 'EM, HOWARD.

I'D LIKE TO TELL YOU

ABOUT SOME OF MY FRIENDS IN MY HOMETOWN.

FIRST OF ALL, THERE'S ANDY TAYLOR.

HE'S THE SHERIFF, AND HE'S ONE

OF THE MOST RELAXED MEN I KNOW.

Really likes to take things easy.

As a matter of fact,

he has the only sheriff's office in the whole state

with an unlisted telephone number.

THAT WAS FUNNY.

NOT TO ME, IT WASN'T.

IT MADE YOUR FATHER LOOK FOOLISH.

BEFORE I DROVE DOWN HERE,

I HAD MY CAR SERVICED BY MY FRIEND, GOOBER, WHO RUNS

the gas station.

THAT'S ME! HE'S TALKING ABOUT ME!

Now, with Goober being a mechanic and all,

you'd assume he'd be a careful driver,

but people say when he takes a girl out

he drives with one hand.

I happen to know that's not true--

he uses both hands

and drives with his feet.

THAT'S NOT TRUE. I'M A CAREFUL DRIVER.

IT'S JUST A JOKE, GOOB.

Then there's

MY GOOD FRIEND FLOYD THE BARBER.

OH, I KNEW HE WOULDN'T FORGET OLD FLOYD.

In Mayberry, there are three main forms of communication:

Telephone, telegraph and tell Floyd.

IS HE CALLING ME A BIGMOUTH?

A customer came into the shop one day.

He said, "Floyd, you ought to take up violin lessons."

Floyd asked him, "Why?"

He said, "Well, it would give your chin a rest."

HE I CALLING ME A BIGMOUTH.

WHY, WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR, FLOYD?

Every town has its social leaders,

and in Mayberry

they're Aunt Bee Taylor

and Miss Clara Edwards.

THAT WAS NICE OF HIM.

Aunt Bee's family came over on the Mayflower.

Of course, in those days,

the immigration laws weren't so strict.

WELL, I NEVER.

Miss Edwards' family goes way back, too.

Her father fought with Pershing.

Her grandfather fought with Teddy Roosevelt

and her great-grandfather fought with General Lee.

Her folks couldn't get along with anybody.

I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?

HE DIDN'T CALL YOU A BIGMOUTH.

I THOUGHT HE WAS FUNNY.

WELL, THANK HEAVENS

THERE ARE STILL LAWS IN THIS COUNTRY

TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT FROM LIBEL AND SLANDER.

I THOUGHT HE WAS FUNNY.

CONGRATULATIONS, HOWARD.

WAS I ALL RIGHT, ANDY?

ALL RIGHT? YOU WERE A RIOT.

WHEN YOU GET TO MAYBERRY,

YOU'RE GONNA BE THE TOAST OF THE TOWN.

WELL, READY TO GREET SOME OF YOUR FANS?

COME ON.

WELL, MORNING, FLOYD, GOOB.

HERE HE IS.

MORNING, ANDY.

HEY, ANDY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU GUYS?

YOU WATCHED HIM LAST NIGHT, DIDN'T YOU?

OH, YES, I WATCHED HIM.

YOU WATCHED HIM, TOO, DIDN'T YOU, GOOB?

YEAH. I WATCHED HIM.

EVERYBODY WATCHED HIM.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHAT KIND OF RECEPTION IS THIS?

HE WAS A BIG HIT.

COLONEL TIM WANTS HIM ON THE SHOW NEXT WEEK.

OH, MAYBE YOU'LL NEED SOME NEW JOKES

ABOUT THE VILLAGE BIGMOUTH.

MAYBE YOU'D LIKE FOR ME TO GIVE YOU

SOME DRIVING LESSONS SINCE I'M SO CAREFUL.

YOU GUYS HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING.

GOOBER, FLOYD, IT WAS ALL

IN THE SPIRIT OF FUN.

I DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING PERSONAL BY IT.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU'RE SO CHUMMY WITH HIM.

"THE ONLY SHERIFF'S OFFICE WITH AN UNLISTED NUMBER."

OH, BOY.

THAT CERTAINLY MADE OUR SHERIFF LOOK SMART.

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I JUST DON'T BELIEVE IT.

LOOK, FELLAS, IF I HURT YOUR FEELINGS, I'M SORRY.

IT WAS THE FARTHEST THING FROM MY MIND.

THE ONLY REASON I PERSONALIZED THOSE JOKES WAS BECAUSE...

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

NEXT TIME YOU NEED A HAIRCUT, YOU CAN SEND YOUR HAIR

TO THAT POODLE TRIMMER IN MT. PILOT.

COME ON, FLOYD.

FELLAS, PLEASE.

GOOD DAY, MR. SPRAGUE.

COME ON, HOWARD.

COME ON.

DON'T LET THOSE GUYS GET YOU DOWN.

LET'S DRIVE OVER TO THE HOUSE

FOR A CUP OF COFFEE, HUH?

IT'S SIMPLY INEXCUSABLE TO TRY TO BE FUNNY

AT YOUR FRIENDS' EXPENSE.

I DIDN'T MIND HIS SARCASTIC REFERENCES

TO MY SOCIAL LEADERSHIP, BUT WHEN HE SAID

THAT MY FAMILY, WHOM HE'S NEVER EVEN MET,

COULDN'T GET ALONG WITH ANYONE

IT WAS JUST PLAIN VICIOUS.

NOW, HOWARD, WILL YOU STOP WORRYING ABOUT IT?

YEAH, BUT THEY'RE TWO OF MY BEST FRIENDS, ANDY.

OH, THEY'LL GET OVER IT.

COME ON.

OH, HI, OPE.

HI, PAW.

HI, MR. SPRAGUE.

EVERYTHING OKAY HERE AT HOME?

FINE, PAW.

GEE, MR. SPRAGUE, YOU WERE WONDERFUL ON THE SHOW.

OH, THANKS, OPE.

YOU REALLY LIKED IT, HUH?

WELL, I LAUGHED.

HEY, HEAR THAT, ANDY? OPIE LAUGHED.

YEAH. YOU REALLY LAUGHED, HUH?

OUT LOUD.

HOW 'BOUT YOUR AUNT BEE?

SHE'S FINE, THANK YOU.

I BELIEVE HOWARD MEANS

HOW DID AUNT BEE LIKE HIM ON THE SHOW?

UH... WELL...

AUNT BEE AND MISS EDWARDS ARE JUST NOW TALKING ABOUT HIM.

OOH, THEN I MADE AN IMPRESSION ON MISS EDWARDS, TOO?

OH, YEAH.

WE'D BETTER GET IN THERE.

MR. SPRAGUE?

YEAH, OPE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE REAL GOOD.

WELL, LET'S...

WELL...

HERE'S THE STAR.

HELLO, ANDY. HELLO, ANDY.

HOWARD SPRAGUE, YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

AUNT BEE, WHERE'S YOUR SENSE OF HUMOR?

OH, I LOST IT ON THE MAYFLOWER.

AUNT BEE...

MISS EDWARDS, I DIDN'T REALIZE.

I WAS JUST TRYIN' TO...

ANDY, YOU EXPLAIN IT TO THEM.

DO THAT, ANDY.

EXPLAIN HOW ANYBODY

DARES RIDICULE ONE OF MAYBERRY'S FIRST FAMILIES.

HOWARD DIDN'T MEAN ANYTHING BY IT.

HE GOT HIS JOKES OUT OF A JOKE BOOK.

NOBODY TAKES ANY OF THAT FOR THE TRUTH.

IS THAT SO?

WELL, MY FATHER DID HAPPEN TO HAVE

A LITTLE RUN-IN WITH GENERAL PERSHING.

AND, HOWARD, YOUR MOTHER KNEW THE ENTIRE STORY.

THAT WAS JUST A COINCIDENCE.

I GOT THOSE JOKES

OUT OF A BOOK UNDER "FAMILY HUMOR."

CLARA, ANOTHER COOKIE?

NO, THANK YOU, BEE.

I'VE SUDDENLY LOST MY APPETITE.

YOU CAN TALK ALL YOU WANT TO, ANDY,

BUT I'M NOT MAKIN' UP WITH HIM.

AFTER ALL, A MAN'S GOT HIS PRIDE.

WELL, WOULD YOU THINK ABOUT HOW HOWARD FEELS?

I DON'T CARE HOW HOWARD FEELS.

THINK ABOUT HOW I FEEL.

I GOT FEELINGS, TOO, YOU KNOW.

GOOBER, ALL HOWARD WAS TRYING TO DO WAS TELL A FEW JOKES --

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'VE GOT TO GO TO WORK.

OH-HO, EXCUSE ME.

AH, YOU MUST BE...

YOU'VE GOT TO BE SHERIFF TAYLOR.

HUH?

THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I WAS JUST PASSING THROUGH TOWN.

I THOUGHT I'D DROP IN AND ASK YOU

YOUR UNLISTED PHONE NUMBER.

YOU MUST'VE SEEN COLONEL TIM'S PROGRAM

WITH HOWARD SPRAGUE.

OH, IT WAS GREAT!

AND YOU GOT TO BE GOOBER, RIGHT?

GOOBER

YEAH.

WELL, I WAS GOING TO DROP OVER

AND GET SOME GAS FROM YOU,

AND I WANTED TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

YOU SEE, I GOT THIS GIRLFRIEND THAT I TAKE OUT.

YOU THINK YOU COULD TEACH ME TO DRIVE WITH MY FEET?

YOU MAKIN' FUN OF ME?

MAKIN' FUN OF...?

OH, NO, NO, NO.

I EXPECT YOU'RE ABOUT

THE BEST-KNOWN MECHANIC IN THE STATE.

WELL, YEAH. I COULD BE, AT THAT, COULDN'T I?

OH, YOU'RE A REAL FAMOUS FELLA.

BEE! BEE!

THE PHONE HAS BEEN GOING ALL DAY.

YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW MANY PEOPLE

HEARD MY NAME MENTIONED ON TV.

PEOPLE I HAVEN'T HEARD OF FOR AGES-- MABEL POLLOCK,

BILLY SINSABAUGH, CHARLES HUMBOLD.

NO!

YES.

AND THE SAME THING'S BEEN HAPPENING TO ME.

AND LOOK AT THAT-- A TELEGRAM INVITING ME TO ADDRESS

THE LADIES' HISTORICAL SOCIETY OF SUMMITVILLE.

NO?

I GUESS THEY HEARD

MR. SPRAGUE TALKING ABOUT YOU ON TV, HUH?

WE APPARENTLY HAVE ACHIEVED

A MEASURE OF FAME.

WELL, NOT THAT THAT'S IMPORTANT.

NO. NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I, UH, HEARD YOUR NAME MENTIONED ON TELEVISION.

SAY --

LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THAT.

THAT HOWARD SPRAGUE IS NOTHING BUT --

THAT'S HIS NAME.

HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE FAMOUS?

USING MY GOOD NAME LIKE THAT, SAYING ALL THOSE THINGS AB--

FAMOUS? DID YOU SAY "FAMOUS"?

THE GUY'S A RIOT!

IS HE FUNNY LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME?

Floyd: ANDY! ANDY!

THIS GENTLEMAN HEARD MY NAME MENTIONED ON TELEVISION.

IS THAT RIGHT?

YOU KNOW THIS FELLA SPRAGUE PRETTY WELL?

KNOW HIM?! WE'RE TOGETHER ALL THE TIME.

HE'S A FINE BOY, FINE BOY.

I'VE CUT HIS HAIR FOR YEARS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT

I'VE GIVEN HIM MOST OF HIS JOKES, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF A BARBER'S BUSINESS

TO SORT OF CUT UP AND AMUSE THE CUSTOMERS.

SAY, HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT THE ZEBRA

THAT FELL IN LOVE WITH A PAIR OF PAJAMAS?

THEY ALL OUT THERE?

ANYTIME YOU WANT TO COME IN.

I REALLY DREAD THIS,

BUT A FORMAL APOLOGY IS THE ONLY WAY.

HOWARD, YOU KNOW, THIS MIGHT NOT BE AS BAD

AS YOU THINK IT'S GONNA BE?

NO.

FOLKS, UH... I ASKED ANDY

TO HAVE YOU ALL DROP OVER HERE THIS EVENING

SO THAT I COULD FORMALLY APOLOGIZE TO ALL OF YOU AT ONCE.

I'M SORRY FOR WHAT I SAID ON THE PROGRAM.

AND... WELL, TO MAKE CERTAIN

THAT NONE OF YOU WILL BE OFFENDED AGAIN,

I'M GOING TO CALL COLONEL TIM AND CANCEL MY APPEARANCE

ON HIS PROGRAM NEXT WEEK.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR YOU, HOWARD,

BUT DO YOU THINK IT WOULD BE ETHICAL

FOR YOU TO BREAK YOUR PROMISE TO COLONEL TIM?

YES, AFTER YOU'VE GIVEN HIM YOUR WORD?

NO. NO, I JUST COULDN'T GO BACK ON THAT PROGRAM.

MY SKIN JUST ISN'T THICK ENOUGH FOR SHOW BUSINESS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT?

YOUR SKIN'S AS THICK AS ANYBODY'S IN THIS ROOM.

THICKER.

BUT I THOUGHT I MADE YOU ALL MAD.

OH, WELL, I'M NOT THE TYPE OF PERSON TO HOLD A GRUDGE.

ME, NEITHER.

WELL, SINCE YOU'RE ALL

SO READY TO FORGIVE, I THINK THE WHOLE MATTER

CAN BE QUICKLY FORGOTTEN BY HOWARD'S SUGGESTION

THAT HE NOT GO ON THE PROGRAM AGAIN.

WHY DON'T YOU STAY OUT OF THIS?

I'D NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF IF I FELT I WAS RESPONSIBLE

FOR MAKING HOWARD BREAK HIS WORD TO COLONEL TIM.

WELL, HOW ABOUT THIS, THEN?

HOW ABOUT HOWARD AGREES

TO GO ON THE PROGRAM AGAIN, BUT PROMISES

NOT TO MENTION ANY OF YOUR NAMES?

FLOYD TOLD YOU TO STAY OUT OF IT.

NOT TO MENTION ANY OF OUR NAMES?

OH, I THINK YOU SHOULD RECONSIDER THAT POINT, HOWARD.

YES. THE REASON COLONEL TIM WANTS

YOU BACK ON THE PROGRAM

IS BECAUSE YOU TELL SUCH AMUSING STORIES

ABOUT THE PEOPLE IN MAYBERRY.

YES. BY THE WAY, A FUNNY THING

HAPPENED TO ME AT THE SHOP YESTERDAY.

NED GRESHAM SAID TO ME, HE SAID,

"FLOYD, YOU LOOK TIRED."

AND I SAID, "I'M SO TIRED,

I CAN HARDLY KEEP MY MOUTH OPEN."

FEEL FREE TO USE THAT ONE IF YOU WANT.

Goober: IF YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY,

A CUSTOMER SAID TO ME, "GOOBER, FOR A MECHANIC,

YOU GOT THE CLEANEST HANDS I'VE EVER SEEN."

AND I SAID, "WELL, THEY OUGHT TO BE CLEAN.

"I JUST WIPED THEM

ON YOUR SEAT COVERS."

HOWARD, HOWARD, I HAD A HILARIOUS EXPERIENCE

WITH A JAR OF APPLE BUTTER.

I WAS DOWN IN THE CELLAR WHEN THE MINISTER CAME...

I HAD THIS ECCENTRIC UNCLE YOU MIGHT TELL ABOUT.

HE WAS A SAILOR, AND EVERY TIME HE CAME TO PORT,

HE HAD THE HABIT OF...

HE HAD THE HABIT...

PAW?

I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THE WHOLE THING.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT?

WELL, EVERYBODY GOT MAD AT MR. SPRAGUE

WHEN HE MADE JOKES ABOUT THEM.

THAT'S RIGHT.

AND NOW THEY WANT HIM

TO GO BACK ON THE PROGRAM AND TELL MORE JOKES.

OH, WELL, OPE,

THAT HAS TO DO WITH EGO.

WHAT'S THAT, PAW?

OH, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT EGO IS?

YEAH.

WELL, EGO IS -- IS WHAT PEOPLE HAVE --

MOST PEOPLE HAVE IT, AND IT MAKES THEM, UH --

YEAH?

WELL, IT MAKES THEM, UM --

SEE, PRIDE, PRIDE IS IMPORTANT.

YEAH.

AND, UH, IT COMES FROM,

FROM THE LATIN, AND IT MEANS, "I."

YEAH?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT "I" MEANS.

IT'S A PERSONAL PRONOUN.

THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

PERSONAL PRONOUN.

AND IT -- AHEM --

EGO, IT'S, IT MAKES, UM,

UH...DON'T YOU HAVE SOME HOMEWORK TO DO?

Opie: GEE, WHIZ.

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WELL, WHENEVER SOMEBODY IN THIS HOUSE

CAN'T EXPLAIN SOMETHING,

I ALWAYS HAVE TO DO MY HOMEWORK.