Original subtitles

STARRING ANDY GRIFFITH...

WITH RONNY HOWARD...

ALSO STARRING DON KNOTTS.

* ...ACROSS THE WAY

* I'LL...

YEAH.

YEAH.

WELL, IT'S SUNDAY.

YEAH.

TOMORROW'S THELMA LOU'S BIRTHDAY, YOU KNOW THAT?

OH, IS IT? BLESS HER HEART.

I AIN'T GOT HER ANYTHING YET.

WHAT YOU GONNA GET HER?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

SHE'S SO HARD TO BUY FOR. SHE'S GOT EVERYTHING.

YEAH.

YOU KNOW, DRESSES AND ALL LIKE THAT.

I'LL PROBABLY JUST GO OUT TOMORROW

AND PICK UP THE FIRST THING I SEE.

I EXPECT.

YEAH.

YOU FEEL LIKE A BOTTLE OF POP, AND?

NO.

OH.

WELL, I DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK I'LL DO?

WHAT?

I THINK I'LL GO DOWN TO THE FILLING STATION,

GET ME A BOTTLE OF POP.

GO HOME, TAKE A NAP.

AND GO OVER TO THELMA LOU'S AND WATCH A LITTLE TV.

HMM.

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

GO DOWN TO THE FILLING STATION, GET ME A BOTTLE OF POP.

HOME, TAKE A NAP.

AND THEN GO OVER TO THELMA LOU'S AND WATCH A LITTLE TV.

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T FEEL LIKE A BOTTLE OF POP?

NO.

WELL, I DO.

YEAH. THAT'S WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

GO DOWN TO THE FILLING STATION, GET ME A BOTTLE OF POP.

GO HOME, TAKE A NAP...

THEN OVER TO THELMA LOU'S.

WATCH A LITTLE TV?

YEAH.

[ RADIO PLAYING COUNTRY FIDDLE MUSIC ]

HI, GOOB.

HEY, BARN.

WANNA SEE SOMETHIN'?

LOOK AT THIS.

TRANSISTOR RADIO, HUH?

YEAH. I JUST BOUGHT IT.

AIN'T IT NEAT? YEAH.

LISTEN TO IT PLAY.

KNOW WHERE THAT MUSIC'S COMING FROM?

UH-UH.

RALEIGH. THAT'S 60 MILES AWAY.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

FROM THAT FELLER RIGHT OVER THERE.

BOY, YOU OUGHT TO LOOK AT ALL THAT STUFF HE'S GOT.

HE'S SELLING ALL KINDS OF STUFF, AND CHEAP, TOO.

WELL...WELL, MAYBE I WILL.

YOU MADE A NICE BUY, SIR.

GIVE YOU YEARS OF PLEASURE.

OH, I KNOW, I KNOW.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL THING.

LOOKS NICE ON YOU, TOO.

ESPECIALLY WITH THE GREEN PANTS

AND THE BLACK AND WHITE SPORTS SHOES.

SORT OF A...SYMPHONY, ISN'T IT?

HEY, BARN. HEY, LOOK

AT MY NEW WATCH.

HI, FLOYD.

HOWDY. HELLO.

ISN'T IT NIFTY?

IT'S KIND OF BIG, ISN'T IT?

HEY, WHAT KIND OF REMARK IS THAT?

I MEAN, IS THAT WHAT YOU DO?

YOU WALK RIGHT UP TO A FELLA AND GIVE HIM A KNOCK LIKE THAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOUR FRIEND HERE

JUST BOUGHT HIMSELF A NICE WATCH AND HE WANTS YOUR APPROVAL.

CAN'T YOU GIVE HIM A LITTLE COMPLIMENT,

SAY SOMETHING NICE?

"IT'S KIND OF BIG, ISN'T IT?"

I MEAN, WHERE'S YOUR SENSITIVITY?

LOOK AT ALL IT TELLS YOU.

SEE? THE TIME, THE DAY, THE DATE,

AND THE TEMPERATURE.

THAT'S WHY IT'S BIG-- LOT OF THINGS IN THERE.

NO ALARM ON IT, HUH?

THERE HE GOES AGAIN.

AW, GEE, BARN, IT ONLY COST $8.98.

UH-OH...2:35.

SEE, I'VE GOT TO GET HOME.

HEY, GOOBER, WANT TO SEE MY NEW WATCH?

SEE YOU AROUND, SIR.

THERE GOES ANOTHER SATISFIED CUSTOMER.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, FRIEND?

WANT TO BUY SOMETHING?

OH, NO. I DON'T KNOW...

WHAT DO YOU NEED? PLATES

STEAK KNIVES? CHOP SUEY DISHES?

HOW ABOUT A WATCH LIKE YOUR FRIEND BOUGHT?

NO...NO.

UH, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING FOR A GIRL IN THERE, WOULD YOU?

LITTLE GIRL...BIG GIRL?

BIG GIRL.

WELL, I MEAN, SHE'S ABOUT...

THIS JUST A GIRL

OR...COULD THIS MAYBE BE THE GIRL?

OH, WELL...

COME ON, SPORT.

COME ON. YOU CAN LEVEL WITH ME.

IT'S THE GIRL, ISN'T IT?

WELL, YEAH, I GUESS YOU COULD SAY IT'S THE GIRL.

THEN YOU WANT SOMETHING SPECIAL?

YEAH.

UH-HUH. I GOT JUST THE THING.

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

A RING?

AIN'T THAT A BEAUTY?

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY CALL THIS?

"THE STAR OF PEORIA."

NO. LISTEN, I DON'T WANT ANY RING.

SHE'S THE GIRL, ALL RIGHT

BUT I DON'T WANT HER GETTING ANY IDEAS.

OH...

WANT TO STRING HER ALONG A LITTLE, HUH?

OH, WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

I GUESS YOU WANT SOMETHING A LITTLE LESS PERSONAL, RIGHT?

YEAH. NOW YOU GOT IT.

HOW ABOUT A PENCIL SHARPENER?

SAY, THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.

SHE'S ALWAYS BREAKING THE POINTS...

WAIT A MINUTE. I GOT JUST THE THING.

WELL, THE PENCIL SHARPENER WASN'T A BAD IDEA.

LOOK AT THIS, HUH?

WOW.

FEEL IT.

OH, THAT'S SOFT.

BLOW ON IT.

YOU SEE? THAT'S THE WAY YOU TELL GENUINE FUR.

OH, YEAH?

PUT IT AROUND YOUR NECK ONCE.

YOU'LL SEE HOW IT FEELS.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

HUH?

THAT LOOKS BEAUTIFUL...

YES, REALLY BEAUTIFUL ON YOU.

OH, REALLY?

OH, WELL, LISTEN, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THIS MUCH.

AFTER ALL, SHE HAS A BIRTHDAY EVERY YEAR.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU WON'T GO FOR 13 AND A QUARTER?

WHAT KIND OF A LOVER ARE YOU?

13 AND A QUARTER?

YEAH. THAT'S ALL IT COSTS.

I BET YOU THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO COST A LOT MORE.

LISTEN, I'LL LET YOU IN ON A SECRET.

I GOT A FANTASTIC BUY AT A WAREHOUSE.

I HAPPENED TO BE AROUND AT THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME.

AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS DOESN'T COME ALONG EVERY DAY.

SHE'LL LOVE IT.

THIS'LL MAKE A BIG MAN OUT OF YOU.

BOY, I WISH YOU COULD'VE SEEN THE LOOK ON HER FACE, AND.

I NEVER WILL FORGET THAT LOOK.

I ACTUALLY THOUGHT SHE WAS GONNA CRY.

I EXPECT.

HERE.

WHAT'D IT SET YOU BACK?

HUH?

WHAT'D YOU PAY FOR THE FUR?

WELL, THAT'S KIND OF PERSONAL, ISN'T IT, ANDY?

I MEAN, I WOULDN'T ASK YOU.

THE HECK YOU WOULDN'T.

WHAT?

IF I GAVE HELEN ANYTHING LIKE THAT

YOU'D WORRY ME TO DEATH

TILL I TOLD YOU WHAT I PAID FOR IT

AND YOU KNOW YOU WOULD.

NOW, WHAT'D YOU PAY FOR IT?

WELL...I CAN GIVE YOU A LITTLE HINT...

IT WAS MORE THAN TEN DOLLARS.

WELL, I FIGURED THAT.

WHAT WAS IT, 50?

MORE THAN 50?

COME ON, AND, WHAT DO YOU TAKE ME FOR,

MONEYBAGS?

WHAT'D YOU PAY FOR IT, THEN?

13 AND A QUARTER.

13 AND A QUARTER?

YEAH.

HOW CAN YOU BUY A FUR PIECE

FOR 13 AND A QUARTER?

IS THAT A LOT?

NO. THAT'S NOTHING.

HOW CAN A MAN SELL A FUR PIECE

FOR 13 AND A QUARTER?

OH, WELL, HE EXPLAINED THAT.

THERE WAS THIS CLOSEOUT AT THIS WAREHOUSE

AND HE JUST HAPPENED TO BE AT THE RIGHT PLACE

AT THE RIGHT TIME.

BARN...

I HATE TO SAY THIS, BUT I GOT A TERRIBLE SUSPICION.

WHAT'S THAT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT YOU DO.

GO OVER TO WEAVER'S DEPARTMENT STORE

AND LOOK AT THE FURS.

SEE IF YOU SEE ANYTHING IN THERE FOR UNDER $50.

MOST OF 'EM ARE A LOT MORE.

BUT HE EXPLAINED THAT, ANDY.

THERE WAS THIS CLOSEOUT AT THIS WAREHOUSE...

UH-HUH-HUH-HUH.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING

BUT HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS TELLING THE TRUTH?

YOU KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK THAT FELLA'S SELLING STOLEN GOODS.

OH, COME ON, ANDY.

YOU THINK HE COULD'VE FOOLED ME FOR A SECOND

IF HE WAS A CRIMINAL TYPE?

ME, A PROFESSIONAL LAWMAN?

HE WAS NO CROOK.

OH, MY GOOD...

UH-HUH.

WELL...TIME TO GO TO WORK.

I MEAN, IF THERE WAS ANYTHING FUNNY ABOUT HIM

I WOULD HAVE SPOTTED IT LIKE THAT.

STOLEN GOODS.

HEY, ANDY.

HI, BOYS. MORNING, GOOB.

WHAT'S UP?

WE BEEN WAITIN' ON YOU.

YEAH. SOMETHING'S COME UP.

YESTERDAY THERE WAS A FELLER SELLIN' STUFF

AT THE FILLING STATION.

WHAT ABOUT HIM?

WELL, ME AND FLOYD GOT GYPPED.

SEE THIS RADIO I BOUGHT?

IT DON'T PLAY NO MORE.

IT DON'T?

AND THIS WATCH I...

LOOK AT THAT SECOND HAND.

IT'S SPINNING AROUND LIKE A PINWHEEL.

IT'S GOING CRAZY, ALL RIGHT.

YOU SURE YOU DIDN'T DROP THAT WATCH?

I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT FELLA CHEATING YOU.

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

OH, YEAH. YEAH, HE IS. JUST A SECOND.

THELMA LOU.

OH.

HI, HONEY, WHAT'S UP?

HUH?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT THE FUR?

WELL, DON'T CRY, HONEY.

WELL...WE'LL GO AND TALK TO THE FELLA.

PLEASE DON'T CRY.

WELL, DON'T SHAKE IT ANYMORE.

YEAH, WELL, I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

ALL RIGHT. BYE.

HMM.

FUR'S STARTING TO FALL OUT, RIGHT?

THAT FELLA'S PROBABLY A MILLION MILES FROM HERE NOW.

OH, NO. HE'S STILL HERE.

JUST UP THE BLOCK.

YOU FELLAS GO ON BACK TO WORK.

WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS.

LET'S GO, BARN.

WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?

THAT MERCHANDISE COULD BE HOT.

YEAH. STOLEN GOODS.

THAT'S RIGHT. I HAVE THESE ESPECIALLY IMPORTED

FROM THE FAR EAST.

THEY COME IN ALL THE LATEST DECORATOR COLORS.

ALL RIGHT, MISTER, WE'D LIKE TO TALK TO YOU.

UH, JUST A MOMENT. PLEASE BE PATIENT, SIR.

THIS BUSINESS IS CLOSED.

MOVE IT ALONG. BARN...

TAKE IT EASY.

FOLKS, WOULD YOU MIND?

WE WANT TO TALK WITH THIS MAN IN PRIVATE.

THIS IS OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS.

WHAT IS THIS? WHAT'S GOING ON?

YOU JUST RUINED A SALE.

THEY WERE GOING TO BUY THE CHOP SUEY DISHES.

THIS IS SHERIFF TAYLOR. I'M DEPUTY FIFE

AND WE'D LIKE TO ASK YOU A FEW QUESTIONS.

WHAT ABOUT?

HEY, I KNOW YOU, DON'T I?

YOU BOUGHT SOMETHING FROM ME YESTERDAY.

YEAH. I BOUGHT SOMETHING--

A FUR.

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME YOU WERE A COP, DUMB

I GIVE TEN PERCENT OFF TO MEN IN UNIFORM.

WHAT?!

BARN...

COULD WE ASK WHERE YOU GOT THIS STUFF?

NO, I DON'T MIND. I BOUGHT IT.

I'LL BET. PROBABLY STOLE IT OUT OF SOME WAREHOUSE.

YOU WERE IN THE RIGHT PLACE AT THE RIGHT TIME

CLIMBING IN A WINDOW AT MIDNIGHT.

WHOA! HEY!

"CLIMBING IN A WINDOW AT MIDNIGHT"

ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF STEALING?

WHAT ELSE IS IT?

YOU CAN'T CALL ME A THIEF.

NO. NO?

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

HE'S CALLING ME A THIEF.

DID YOU HEAR THAT, LADY? I'M A THIEF.

FROM LEFT FIELD, THIS COP CALLED ME A THIEF.

I'M A THIEF.

BREAK IT UP.

ALL RIGHT.

SURE. WE'LL STOP.

THIEF!

IF YOU BOUGHT THIS STUFF

YOU MUST HAVE A BILL OF SALE, RIGHT?

YEAH. I GOT A BILL OF SALE

BUT THIS MAN SAID SOMETHING TERRIBLE TO ME.

YOU CALLED ME A THIEF!

LET ME SEE THE BILL OF SALE.

I'LL SHOW YOU THE BILL OF SALE,

BUT FIRST, HE MADE A BITTER ACCUSATION.

YOU CAN'T COME UP TO A GUY

AND CALL HIM A THIEF.

LET ME SEE THE BILL OF SALE.

HE OWES ME AN APOLOGY FIRST.

HE'S SORRY! NOW, LET ME SEE THE BILL OF SALE.

HERE.

BOY, YOU FELLAS THINK I DEAL IN STOLEN GOODS.

CLIMB IN A WINDOW IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT--

IS THAT THE PICTURE YOU GOT?

COMMON ORDINARY THIEF?

I'M GRATEFUL MY MOTHER ISN'T HERE TO HEAR ALL THIS.

IMAGINE WHAT THIS COULD DO TO A WOMAN IN HER LATE 50s.

YOU FELLAS KNOW HOW TO CUT A GUY REAL DEEP.

ALL RIGHT. LET'S BREAK IT UP.

YEAH. GO AWAY. I'M A THIEF.

BREAK IT UP. GO AWAY FROM THE THIEF.

MOVE IT, MOVE IT!

I'M A THIEF, BUDDY.

MAN CALLS ME A THIEF.

GO AWAY FROM THE THIEF.

ALL RIGHT...

YOUR NAME NEWTON MONROE?

THAT'S ME, AND I'M NOT A THIEF.

YEAH. WHAT ABOUT THAT FUR YOU SOLD ME?

DIDN'T SHE LIKE IT?

LIKE IT?! THE FUR'S COMING OUT OF IT.

REALLY?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THAT.

HOW IS IT COMING OUT--

A FEW HAIRS AT A TIME OR WAS IT COMING OUT IN BUNCHES?

BUNCHES, BUNCHES!

OH, I'M SORRY.

LET ME GIVE YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

HOW ABOUT A TRANSISTOR RADIO?

A WATCH?

ANYTHING AT ALL I GOT IN THE SHOP.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

EVERYTHING'S IN ORDER.

WHAT?! LET ME SEE THAT.

WELL, THIS MUST BE FORGED.

FORGED?!

HOLD IT, HOLD IT, HOLD IT!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? NOW I'M A FORGER.

YEAH. MOVE ALONG. GO AWAY FROM THE FORGER.

A FORGER HE MADE ME.

ALL RIGHT. SO HE'S GOT A BILL OF SALE.

IS THAT THE END OF IT?

NO.

NOW, MR. MONROE, I AM NOT GONNA HAVE YOU

SELLING THIS JUNK ON THE STREET.

JUNK?!

JUNK!

NOW, YOU GOTTA HAVE A PEDDLER'S LICENSE

IN ORDER TO OPERATE IN MAYBERRY

AND YOU DON'T HAVE ONE.

SO, I WOULD SUGGEST THAT YOU JUST MOVE ON.

OKAY. I'LL MOVE ON.

BOY, I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU EXPECT A PLACE TO GROW

IF YOU DON'T ENCOURAGE INDUSTRY.

COME ON. GET IN THERE. LET'S GO.

CAN'T GET A BREAK.

WELL, I NAILED HIM.

AN HOUR AFTER WE TOLD HIM TO BEAT IT

HE WAS OUT THERE PEDDLING THAT JUNK.

LOOK, IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

IT WAS SO YOUR FAULT.

YOU WERE TOLD TO BEAT IT.

BARNEY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

AS I WAS LEAVING

THIS FELLA WANTED TO SEE MY MERCHANDISE.

I ASK YOU, WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

IS THAT SUPPOSED TO TAKE AN HOUR?

HE WAS A CAREFUL BUYER.

OH, YEAH? YEAH.

YEAH? YEAH.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT!

BARNEY, I'LL TAKE CARE OF IT.

ALL RIGHT.

NOW, MR. MONROE,

WE TOLD YOU TO LEAVE AND YOU DIDN'T GO.

I GOT STOPPED.

I GOT STOPPED BY A CUSTOMER, I TAKE AN OATH.

I TOLD YOU BEFORE, I'M NOT GONNA STAND STILL

WHILE YOU SELL THAT JUNK ON THE STREETS.

NOW, YOU WERE PEDDLING WITHOUT A LICENSE.

YOU'RE STILL PEDDLING WITHOUT A LICENSE

AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO TELL YA.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO BOOK YA.

JAIL? YEAH, JAIL.

COME ON, ANDY. LET'S GET HIM WRAPPED UP.

BARNEY...

HE CAN'T WAIT.

NAME: NEWTON MONROE, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

AGE?

THIRTY-FOUR.

I KNOW, I LOOK 44

BUT THAT'S WHAT WORRY CAN DO TO YOU.

I SHOULD HAVE GONE TO NIGHT SCHOOL

LIKE MY COUSIN GILBERT.

HE'S A DENTAL TECHNICIAN.

SMART? NAH-- BELOW AVERAGE--

BUT GILBERT, HE'S NEVER BEEN IN JAIL.

I'M SORRY AS I CAN BE.

YOU WERE PEDDLING WITHOUT A LICENSE.

ADDRESS?

WHAT ADDRESS?

MY CAR.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. YOU'RE BOOKED.

THAT'S A BREAK.

COME TO TOWN, TRY TO DO A LITTLE BUSINESS.

I WIND UP SITTING IN JAIL.

YOU GOT ONE THING WRONG.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO MUCH SITTIN'.

ALL RIGHT, DIG!

WHATEVER GAVE YOU THE IDEA

OF PLANTING A TREE HERE, ANYWAY?

NO TREE'S GONNA GROW HERE.

JUST DIG, NEWTON.

OH, THERE YA ARE.

WHAT'S GOING ON?

OH, PLANTING A TREE.

HOW ARE YOU DOING, NEWTON?

HOW AM I DOING?

DIGGING A HOLE.

HOW CAN YOU DO WITH A HOLE?

A HOLE'S A HOLE.

WELL, BE CAREFUL.

THERE'S WATER PIPES AROUND HERE.

DIG.

AAH...

OH, NO, OF COURSE I'M NOT GONNA TELL YOU WHAT IT IS.

IT'S A SURPRISE.

YEAH...

WELL, ALL I'LL SAY IS YOU NEVER HAD ANYTHING LIKE IT.

OKAY. I'LL SEE YA ABOUT 8:00 THEN...

UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER EARLIER FOR SUPPER?

OH, YOU'RE NOT.

ALL RIGHT.

OKAY. BYE-BYE.

WHAT, DID YOU GET HER ANOTHER PRESENT?

WELL, YEAH, JUST A TOKEN.

YEAH. WHAT'D YOU GET HER?

PINEAPPLE SKINNER.

A PINEAPPLE SKINNER?

YEAH, A PINEAPPLE SKINNER.

WHERE'D YOU GET A PINEAPPLE SKINNER?

FROM NEWTON.

FROM NEWTON?

WELL, I LOOKED ALL OVER

AND I COULDN'T FIND ANYTHING.

THIS WAS ONLY TWO BUCKS.

WHERE IS NEWTON?

I GOT HIM DOWN IN THE BASEMENT, CLEANING THE FURNACE.

DON'T YOU THINK YOU OUGHT TO LET UP ON HIM?

YOU'VE BEEN WORKING HIM AWFUL HARD.

WELL, SO WHAT?

I'M TEACHING HIM A LESSON.

HE'LL THINK TWICE BEFORE HE GOES DEFRAUDING

OTHER INNOCENT PEOPLE, I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OF COURSE, THERE IS ANOTHER ANGLE TO IT, TOO.

YEAH

HE'S COSTING US A LOT OF MONEY.

THAT WATER PIPE ALONE COST $17

AND HE DROPPED THE RADIO.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT GEORGE IS GONNA CHARGE FOR THAT.

YEAH, I KNOW.

I THINK WE'D BE MONEY AHEAD IF WE LET HIM GO.

NO. YOU CAN'T DO THAT, ANDY.

WHAT KINDA JUSTICE WOULD THAT BE?

YOU SENTENCED HIM TO FIVE DAYS, HE'S GOTTA SERVE FIVE DAYS.

UH-HUH.

COULD IT BE YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE REVENGE?

NO, OF COURSE NOT.

UH-HUH.

YOU SAID HE'S CLEANING THE FURNACE?

HE KNOW HOW TO DO THAT?

SURE. WHAT'S TO CLEANING A FURNACE?

WELL, WHAT'S TO DIGGING A HOLE, BUT THAT COST US $17.

NEWTON?

HEY, NEWTON!

WHAT?

HOW YA DOIN'?

FINE. JUST STARTING THE FIRE.

WELL, BE SURE THE FLUE'S OPEN.

THE WHAT?

Andy: THE FLUE, THE FLUE!

Newton: WHAT'S A FLUE?

TURN IT OFF, NEWTON! TURN IT OFF!

HURRY IT UP, NEWTON.

I AM.

WILL YOU GET OFF MY BACK?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU SPILLED THE BUCKET!

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

WATCH WHAT YOU'RE DOING.

ALL RIGHT. STOP YELLING.

IT'S ONLY A LITTLE BIT OF WATER. I'LL MOP IT UP.

YOU'RE TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW THAT?

CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING RIGHT?

CAN'T YOU DO ANYTHING IN THIS WORLD RIGHT?

BARNEY... HE'S INEPT.

STOP THAT. HE'S INEPT! I'VE HAD IT.

HE'S ALL YOURS. HE'S JUST INEPT.

UH...

LISTEN, I DON'T, UH,

I DON'T THINK BARNEY MEANT TO BE SO TOUGH ON YOU.

I-I WOULDN'T PAY TOO MUCH ATTENTION

TO WHAT HE... WHAT HE SAID.

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I'M A LOSER, THAT'S ALL.

EVERYTHING I TOUCH GOES SOUR--

A BUCKET, A FURNACE, A HOLE...

EVEN THE BUSINESS I BOUGHT.

WHAT'S THE USE KIDDING?

I'M A BORN LOSER.

ALL YOU NEED IS A GOOD POSITIVE ATTITUDE

AND YOU CAN DO SOMETHING ELSE.

I MEAN IT.

UH...

I-I TELL YA WHAT.

I GOT A JOB FOR YA.

NOW, IT'S A HARD JOB, BUT I WANT YOU TO TRY.

NOW, NOBODY WILL BE LOOKING AT YOU

AND I WANT YOU TO TRY IT WITH A GOOD POSITIVE ATTITUDE.

YOU'RE LETTING HIM PAINT THE PORCH OF YOUR HOUSE?

YOU MUST BE LOONY.

BEFORE I'D LET THAT GUY GET WITHIN A MILE OF MY HOUSE

WITH A PAINTBRUSH, I'D...

OH, NEWTON'S NOT A BAD GUY.

HE'S JUST HAD A LOTTA TOUGH BREAKS.

HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO DO ANY ACTUAL WORK.

NEVER HAS DONE ANY.

AND I THOUGHT I'D LEAVE HIM ALONE AND SEE IF HE CAN.

YOU LEFT HIM ALONE OVER THERE, HUH?

SURE. MAYBE HE'LL ESCAPE.

THAT'D BE THE BEST THING.

OH, HE WON'T ESCAPE.

YOU BEAT EVERYTHING, YOU KNOW THAT?

YOU'RE THE ONE THAT BROUGHT HIM IN.

YEAH, WELL...

HI, NEWTON. HELLO.

UH...HOW'D YOU DO?

I DON'T KNOW.

THE PAINT WAS TOO THICK

AND WHEN I ADDED THE THINNER, IT GOT LIKE WATER.

OH.

WELL, I'M SURE YOU DID FINE.

WE'LL TAKE A LOOK AT IT IN THE MORNING.

OKAY...

BUT DON'T EXPECT TOO MUCH.

WELL...

I GUESS WE BETTER GO, HUH, BARN?

YEAH. SUITS ME.

WELL...

OH, NEWTON...

YEAH?

THE CELL DOOR'S OPEN AND THE KEYS ARE IN YOUR CAR.

Andy: BARN!

DID YOU EVER SEE A MESS LIKE THAT IN YOUR LIFE?

WELL...

WELL, THAT'S PRETTY BAD ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I TOLD YA RIGHT FROM THE START

HE CAN'T DO ANYTHING

BUT YOU WANTED TO GET PSYCHOLOGICAL.

YOU WANTED TO GIVE HIM CONFIDENCE.

YEAH.

TAKE A BRUSH.

HUH?

TAKE A BRUSH.

HMM.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

IT LOOKS GREAT!

YEAH.

I DID THAT?

YEAH.

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WELL, NOW, REMEMBER, NEWTON,

WHEN YOU LEFT YESTERDAY, IT WAS STILL...STILL WET

AND WHEN IT DRIES, IT KINDA SMOOTHES TOGETHER.

YEAH.

IT LOOKS GREAT, DON'T IT?

YEAH. IT JUST SHOWS YA

WHAT A LITTLE CONFIDENCE WILL DO.

YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S GREAT.

HOW CAN I THANK YOU?

OH, LISTEN, DON'T THANK ME.

DON'T THANK ME A BIT.

I'M JUST GLAD YA KNOW YA GOT IT IN YA

AND I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YA.

I'M GONNA SUSPEND YOUR SENTENCE.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

I'M GLAD I GOT ARRESTED.

HI, SHERIFF, DEPUTY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WHAT AM I DOING?

THANKS TO YOU, I'M DOING IT.

WHAT?

SHERIFF, YOU GAVE ME

THE CONFIDENCE I NEEDED.

I FOUND OUT I'M NOT INEPT.

I'M EPT.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE A SALESMAN

IF I DON'T WANT TO BE.

I'M A PAINTER.

HUH? YOU'RE A WHAT?

YEAH.

SHERIFF, I'M GOING TO PAINT

THE COURTHOUSE FOR FREE.

WELL, THAT'S TAKING QUITE A CHANCE, ANDY.

THAT'S ALL I CAN TELL YOU.

WHAT'S THE CHANCE?

IF NEWTON DON'T DO WELL, WE'LL GET RID OF HIM.

IT'S JUST A SIMPLE SELLING JOB IN A HARDWARE STORE.

AND IT'S OVER IN MT. PILOT.

HE'S OUT OF OUR HAIR. LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT IT.

HMM. WHAT'S THIS?

COUPLE OF PACKAGES.

ONE FOR YOU.

"DEAR FRIENDS, YOU WERE SO NICE TO ME

"THAT I THOUGHT I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE A TOKEN OF MY GRATITUDE.

GOODBYE AND GOOD LUCK. NEWTON."

THAT'S NICE. YEAH.

WHAT'D YOU GETS. LET'S SEE HERE.

HMM.

WHAT?

OH, IT'S THAT PENCIL SHARPENER.

OH, THAT'S NICE.

WHAT'D YOU GET?

A RAZOR, BATTERY OPERATED.

OH. HUH.

CAN I SEE THAT?

YEAH.

THAT'S A YAKIMOTO.

YEAH.

WORKS TOO. YEAH.

YOU MIND? NO. GO AHEAD.

OHHH!