Original subtitles

STARRING ANDY GRIFFITH...

WITH RONNY HOWARD...

ALSO STARRING DON KNOTTS.

CHILDREN, I WANT YOU TO REMEMBER THAT ALL THESE DANCES WE DO

ARE PART OF LEARNING ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO CAME BEFORE US.

THE COMMUNITY DANCE WAS A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF PIONEER LIFE.

ON SATURDAY NIGHT WHEN THEY'D FINISH WORKING,

THEY'D GATHER AT THE MEETING HALL,

AND THIS WAS THEIR FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT,

WHETHER IT WAS A WALTZ, SQUARE DANCE, OR WHATEVER.

ALL RIGHT, DANCE GROUPS,

SHALL WE SEE HOW WELL WE CAN DO WITH THE WALTZ?

OH, WHAT IS IT, OPIE?

SHARON ISN'T HERE TODAY.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

HER BRACE GOT LOOSE, AND SHE BIT ON IT.

OH, I SEE.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, OPIE -- YOU DANCE WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY TAKE THEIR POSITIONS.

[ "OH MY DARLING, CLEMENTINE" PLAYS ]

FINE, CHILDREN.

THAT WAS FINE, CLASS -- JUST FINE.

OH, YOU ALWAYS COMPLAIN!

ALL RIGHT, CLASS, YOU HAVE YOUR HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENTS.

CLASS DISMISSED.

OH, YES, OPIE?

WANT ME TO SCRUB YOUR BLACKBOARD FOR YOU?

OH, NO, THANK YOU, OPIE. IT DOESN'T NEED IT TODAY.

WELL, I COULD SHARPEN YOUR PENCILS.

WELL, THANK YOU FOR OFFERING, OPIE,

BUT I HAVEN'T EVEN USED THEM.

YOU WANT ME TO WAIT IN CASE YOU DO USE 'EM?

OH, I'M GOING NOW MYSELF, OPIE.

OH.

WELL, THANK YOU.

WELL, THANK YOU, OPIE.

BOY, IF THAT AIN'T A PICTURE.

WHAT'S THAT?

YOUR SON AND HEIR WALKING ALONG

WITH HELEN CRUMP HAND IN HAND.

OH, YEAH. MUST BE COMING HOME FROM SCHOOL.

YEAH.

THAT'S SWEET.

BOY, THINGS SURE WERE DIFFERENT

WHEN YOU AND I WENT TO SCHOOL.

REMEMBER?

TEACHERS AND KIDS WERE NATURAL ENEMIES THEN.

YEAH.

HEY, REMEMBER MRS. VON ROEDER?

OH, THE BEAST OF THE FOURTH FLOOR?

BEAST OF THE FOURTH FLOOR.

REMEMBER WHEN WE PUT INK IN HER THERMOS BOTTLE?

REMEMBER THE TACK ON HER CHAIR?

THEN WE PUT THAT GARTER SNAKE IN HER DESK DRAWER.

YEAH.

BOY, SHE SURE WAS MEAN.

WELL, ANYWAY, IT LOOKS LIKE THINGS HAVE CHANGED.

THERE'S AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT TEACHER/PUPIL RELATIONSHIP,

AND I THINK IT'S VERY ENCOURAGING.

I DO, TOO.

IT'S A STEP IN THE RIGHT DIRECTION,

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

YOU KNOW, THAT'D MAKE IT REAL NICE FOR YOU, TOO, ANGE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HELEN AND OPIE WALKING ALONG TOGETHER LIKE THAT.

OH.

WELL, I MEAN, IN CASE YOU AND HELEN

EVER DECIDE TO TAKE THAT BIG STEP.

NOW, DON'T START THAT AGAIN.

ANY PLANS? NO, NOT YET.

WELL, YOU MUST'VE TALKED ABOUT IT.

NOT REALLY. COME ON, OPEN UP.

BARN, THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY.

YOU CAN TELL A FRIEND.

THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL.

WHEN ARE YOU TWO GETTING MARRIED?

BARNEY! IT JUST SEEMS TO ME

THAT AFTER YOU'VE BEEN GOING WITH A GIRL

FOR OVER TWO YEARS --

WHAT ABOUT YOU AND THELMA LOU?

WHAT ABOUT ME AND THELMA LOU?

YOU'VE BEEN GOING WITH HER FOR TWO YEARS.

WHEN YOU GONNA GET MARRIED?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

COME ON, OPEN UP. THERE'S NOTHING TO OPEN UP ABOUT.

YOU CAN TELL A FRIEND. WHEN YOU GONNA GET MARRIED?

IS THAT ALL YOU CAN TALK ABOUT?

PAW, CAN A BOY GO WITH A GIRL WHO'S OLDER THAN HE IS?

DO THEY ALLOW THAT?

OPIE, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS SAVE STUFF LIKE THAT

FOR EARLY IN THE MORNING?

WELL, CAN HE?

WELL, THERE'S NO LAW AGAINST IT.

WHY, SHARON OLDER THAN YOU ARE?

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT SHARON.

YOU'VE GOT A NEW GIRL?

I'M NOT SURE YET.

HMM.

WELL, I WOULDN'T SAY AGE IS REAL IMPORTANT.

IF SHE LIKES YOU AND YOU LIKE HER, THAT'S THE MAIN THING.

I THINK SHE LIKES ME. SHE SMILES AT ME A LOT.

HMM. WELL, SHE LIKES YOU.

EAT.

WHAT ABOUT HER BEING OLDER THAN I AM?

WELL, I WOULDN'T LET THAT BOTHER ME.

I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS ABOUT YOUR AGE,

I WAS TRYING TO COURT A LITTLE GIRL

NAMED BARBARA EDWARDS.

SHE WAS IN THE UPPER FIFTH GRADE, AND I WAS IN THE LOWER.

NOW, I WILL ADMIT THERE WAS SOME TALK,

BUT I DIDN'T LET IT BOTHER ME.

WHAT IF SHE'S OLDER THAN THAT?

HOW MUCH OLDER?

I DON'T KNOW.

WITH GIRLS, IT'S HARD TO TELL HOW OLD THEY ARE.

EAT.

I DON'T RECKON YOU'D WANNA TELL ME WHO IT IS.

WELL, IT'S A SECRET.

OH.

PAW? HMM?

HOW DO I TELL HER I LIKE HER?

HOW DID YOU TELL SHARON YOU LIKED HER?

I DIDN'T HAVE TO. SHE KNEW IT.

OH.

LAST TERM WHEN SHE TOLD THE TEACHER

THE BOYS WERE THE ONES

THAT WERE MAKING ALL THE NOISE ON THE PLAYGROUND,

I WAS THE ONLY BOY THAT DIDN'T HIT HER.

AND BESIDES, I GIVE HER MY BRAND-NEW ERASER.

MM. WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GIVE THIS GIRL AN ERASER?

NAH, I THINK I WANNA GET HER SOMETHING REAL GOOD. HUH.

I HAVE 62 CENTS SAVED UP,

NOT COUNTING 6 POP BOTTLES AUNT BEE SAID I COULD TAKE BACK.

THAT'S A PILE OF MONEY TO SPEND ON A GIRL, AIN'T IT?

PLEASE, PAW.

WELL, GO AHEAD IF YOU WANT TO.

THE WOMEN WILL GET IT ANYWAY, I RECKON.

GEE, THANKS, PAW.

74 CENTS? YEAH.

BOY, 74 CENTS --

THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY FOR A KID TO SPEND ON A PRESENT.

DID YOU TELL HIM IT WAS OKAY? YEAH.

I GUESS HE'S REALLY GOT IT BAD THIS TIME, HUH?

YEAH.

WELL, I SUPPOSE KIDS ARE NO DIFFERENT THAN GROWN-UPS.

I REMEMBER I WENT OVERBOARD

WITH THELMA LOU ON HER LAST BIRTHDAY.

DID YOU GET HER SOMETHING NICE?

NICEST PRESENT I EVER GAVE HER.

KNOW WHAT I DID?

HMM.

TOOK HER OUT TO DINNER.

TOOK HER OUT TO DINNER?

WELL, YEAH, YOU KNOW WE USUALLY GO DUTCH.

TOOK HER TO MORELLI'S.

OH, MORELLI'S. YEAH.

HUH? YEAH.

NOW, THERE'S A PLACE TO TAKE A GIRL.

OUT ON THE HIGHWAY LIKE THAT, NICE AND SECLUDED.

RED-CHECKERED TABLECLOTHS.

OH, YEAH, FANCY. FANCY. FANCY.

YOU KNOW, THEY'LL LET YOU TAKE A BOTTLE IN THERE.

YOU DIDN'T, DID YOU? NO.

WHAT DID YOU HAVE TO EAT?

HAD THEIR DELUXE SPECIAL.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN HOLD IT DOWN TO $1.85 OUT THERE

IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE SHRIMP COCKTAIL.

DID YOU HAVE SHRIMP COCKTAIL?

WELL, NO.

I TOLD THELMA LOU, I SAID, "LET'S NOT FILL UP."

THE MINESTRONE WAS DELICIOUS, THOUGH. PHEW!

YEAH, WHEN THAT'S MADE RIGHT, THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING.

AND FOR THE MAIN DISH, POUNDED STEAK A LA MORELLI.

OH?

IT'S REALLY POUNDED, TOO.

NO QUESTION ABOUT IT.

THEY GOT ONE OF THESE OPEN KITCHENS,

AND YOU CAN LOOK RIGHT IN THERE

AND WATCH 'EM POUND IT RIGHT WITH YOUR OWN EYES.

OH, YEAH -- KIND OF SEE WHAT YOU'RE GETTING.

YEAH.

I TELL YOU, ANDY, WHEN THAT MEAL WAS FINISHED,

I DID SOMETHING I RARELY DO. WHAT?

I SENT MY COMPLIMENTS BACK TO THE CHEF.

I APPRECIATE THEM THINGS.

HE KIND OF LOOKED UP FROM HIS POUNDING AND WAVED AT ME.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TAKE HELEN OVER THERE ONE OF THESE DAYS.

OH, SHE'D LOVE IT -- LOVE IT.

IT'S NOT ONLY THE FOOD, EITHER. IT'S THE ATMOSPHERE.

YOU KNOW, THEY GOT THE CANDLES ON THE TABLES AND THE MUSIC.

THEY GOT A GYPSY VIOLINIST OUT THERE.

HE MUST'VE PLAYED SIX OR EIGHT SONGS STANDING OVER OUR TABLE.

OF COURSE, YOU GOT TO SLIP HIM A QUARTER.

YEAH, THOSE FELLAS WORK ON TIPS.

ONE THING ABOUT GYPSIES, THOUGH-- THEY'RE MOODY.

BUT THE POINT I'M TRYING TO MAKE IS,

IF OUR KIDS WANNA SPLURGE ON THEIR GIRLFRIENDS,

WHAT DO YOU EXPECT?

THEY GET IT FROM US.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, AND DO COME BACK AGAIN, WON'T YOU?

WELL, HELLO, OPIE. HI.

IF YOU'RE COLLECTING FOR RED CROSS

I ALREADY GAVE LAST WEEK.

NO, I WANNA BUY A PRESENT.

OH, SOMETHING FOR AUNT BEE?

NO, ANOTHER LADY. OH, I SEE.

WELL, HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT TO SPEND?

74 CENTS.

NOW, LET ME THINK.

SAY, HOW ABOUT A NICE HANDKERCHIEF, HMM?

OKAY.

LOOK, ISN'T THAT A PRETTY ONE? GEE, IT'S SMALL.

WELL, THAT'S THE WAY LADIES' HANDKERCHIEFS ARE, OPIE,

ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE SOME LARGER ONES.

LET ME SEE.

OH, YES. HERE IT IS.

HOW ABOUT THIS ONE? THAT'S LARGER.

DO YOU HAVE ANY COLORED ONES?

YOU DON'T LIKE THESE.

WELL, IF YOU HAD A BLUE ONE, MAYBE.

BLUE. BLUE.

I DID SEE A BLUE -- OH, HERE IT IS.

THERE. THERE'S A BLUE ONE.

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER COLORS?

I'LL TAKE THIS ONE.

FINE.

THAT'LL BE 50 CENTS PLUS TAX.

OH, BUT I WANNA SPEND MY WHOLE 74 CENTS.

MY DEAR OPIE,

MY DEAR, DEAR OPIE,

WE ARE NOT GOING TO FIND SOMETHING FOR EXACTLY 74 CENTS.

WE JUST ARE NOT.

I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A MOMENT.

WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING FOR A LITTLE BIT MORE?

WELL, I DO HAVE SOMETHING

THAT WOULD MAKE A VERY NICE GIFT FOR 80 CENTS,

BUT THAT WOULD BE IT.

80 CENTS.

I'LL TAKE IT. I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OPIE, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I HAVE TO GO HOME AND DRINK THREE BOTTLES OF POP.

Andy: OPE?

HOW COME YOU'RE NOT OUT PLAYING?

WELL, I'VE BEEN BUSY.

OH, I SEE YOU BOUGHT YOUR PRESENT.

YEAH. I'M NOT SURE SHE'S GONNA LIKE IT, THOUGH.

I EXPECT SHE WILL.

I'D SAY YOU GOT PRETTY GOOD TASTE.

WHAT DID YOU GET?

GEE, PAW, DO I HAVE TO SHOW IT TO YOU?

COME ON, SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

WELL, OKAY, I'LL SHOW IT TO YOU,

BUT I CAN'T TELL YOU WHO IT'S FOR.

THAT'S A SECRET.

PRETTY PACKAGE. MAYBE YOU BETTER NOT OPEN IT.

IT'S OKAY. I CAN FIX IT UP AGAIN.

I BET I CAN GUESS.

WHAT?

JIGSAW PUZZLE.

MNH-MNH.

BOX OF FISHHOOKS.

NOPE.

MODEL AIRPLANE? NO.

WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT YOU GOT YOUR LITTLE FRIEND.

THERE.

OPIE, UH, WHO YOU PLANNING ON GIVING THESE STOCKINGS TO?

A LADY.

WELL, I FIGURED THAT MUCH.

WHOEVER IT IS,

I DON'T THINK STOCKINGS IS THE RIGHT KIND OF GIFT.

MISS PRIMROSE SAID ANY LADY WOULD LIKE 'EM.

WELL, SURE, SURE,

BUT YOU GOT TO KNOW A PERSON REAL WELL

'FORE YOU GIVE 'EM ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

AND GOT TO BE OLDER.

SEE, SEE, STOCKINGS IS PERSONAL -- VERY PERSONAL.

YOU UNDERSTAND?

NO.

WELL...

SUPPOSE YOU WAS TO GIVE THIS YOUNG LADY SOME CANDY

OR SOME FLOWERS.

THAT WOULD BE OKAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

NO, PAW.

OPIE, STOCKINGS IS SOMETHING A LADY WEARS.

CANDY -- WELL, EVERYBODY GIVES CANDY.

CANDY'S JUST SOMETHING YOU EAT.

NOW, THERE'S YOUR DIFFERENCE RIGHT THERE.

BUT WHAT ABOUT STOCKINGS?

WELL, OPIE... STOCKINGS, UH...

JUST TAKE MY WORD FOR IT.

UH, I'D RATHER YOU TAKE THESE STOCKINGS BACK.

I'D REALLY JUST RATHER YOU JUST TAKE 'EM BACK.

NOW, I'VE GOT TO GET ON BACK TO WORK.

I'M LATE AS IT IS.

SARAH, GET ME THE BLUEBIRD DINER, WILL YOU?

HI, SWEETIE PIE.

OH, HELLO, FRANK.

IS JUANITA THERE?

OKAY.

NITE? BARN. HOW YOU DOING?

OKAY. YEAH.

LISTEN, I GOT A LITTLE EXTRA-SPECIAL TREAT

IN MIND FOR TONIGHT.

DRIVE-IN MOVIE AT MOUNT PILOT.

OH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S PLAYING.

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

COME ON.

DON'T TELL ME YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YEAH. OF COURSE YOU DO.

WELL, WE WERE OUT THERE ONCE BEFORE.

WELL, WHAT TIME YOU GONNA GET OFF?

NOT TILL THEN?

WELL, THEN, YOU WON'T HAVE TIME TO GO HOME AND CHANGE CLOTHES.

WELL, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

YOU'LL HAVE TO WEAR YOUR UNIFORM.

YOU WEAR YOUR UNIFORM, AND I'LL WEAR MY UNIFORM.

UH, THAT'S RIGHT, 7:30, UNIFORM. GOOD-BYE.

HI, OPE. YOUR PAW'S NOT HERE.

THAT'S OKAY.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING, BARNEY?

SURE. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO ASK ME?

YOU GO WITH A LOT OF DIFFERENT LADIES, DON'T YOU?

WELL, WHAT MAKES YOU ASK A THING LIKE THAT?

DON'T YOU, BARNEY?

WELL...

AS A RULE, I ONLY GO WITH ONE GIRL AT A TIME,

BUT I SUPPOSE YOU MIGHT SAY

I'VE COVERED A LITTLE GROUND IN MY TIME. WHY?

HOW DO YOU SAY IT WHEN YOU WANT TO TELL 'EM THAT YOU LIKE 'EM?

WELL, I THINK YOU OUGHT TO TALK TO YOUR PAW

ABOUT A THING LIKE THAT, OPE.

I TRIED TO, BUT HE DIDN'T HAVE THE TIME,

AND BESIDES, THERE'S SOME THINGS PAW JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND.

TELL ME, WHAT SHOULD I SAY TO HER?

WELL...THERE'S TWO WAYS YOU CAN GO ABOUT THIS THING.

ONE WAY IS TO PLAY IT HARD TO GET, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WELL, I DON'T WANT TO BE HARD TO GET. I LIKE HER.

OH, WELL, THEN YOU GOT TO GO THE OTHER WAY --

YOU KNOW, WITH SWEET TALK, LIKE WITH POETRY AND ALL THAT.

ALL RIGHT.

KIND OF A SLOPPY WAY OF GOING ABOUT IT,

BUT IT USUALLY WORKS.

DO YOU KNOW ANY POEMS?

YEAH, WE LEARNED SOME IN SCHOOL.

"I HAD A DOG, AND HIS NAME WAS SPOT --"

NO, NO, NO.

WE LEARNED ANOTHER ONE, TOO.

"THE BOY STOOD ON THE BURNING DECK --"

NO, THAT'S NOT --

YOU SEE, IT'S-IT'S GOT TO BE A POEM

WITH -- WELL, I MEAN,

IT WOULDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO WITH DOGS

OR A BOY BEING BRAVE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

WELL, IT'S GOT TO HAVE SOME ROMANCE IN IT.

IT'S GOT TO BE A POEM WITH -- WELL, YOU KNOW --

WHERE YOU TELL A GIRL HOW GREAT SHE IS AND EVERYTHING.

THEY DIDN'T TEACH US ANYTHING LIKE THAT YET.

THEY DIDN'T, HUH? NO.

MAYBE WE GET THAT NEXT TERM.

YOU THINK YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S HOME RIGHT NOW? I THINK SO.

LOOK, HERE'S WHAT WE'LL DO. YOU GET HER ON THE TELEPHONE.

I'LL GO IN THE BACK AND SEE IF I CAN FIND THAT BOOK OF POEMS.

AND YOU'LL TELL ME WHAT TO SAY?

RIGHT.

MISS SARAH?

WILL YOU GET ME MISS CRUMP, PLEASE?

HERE IT IS.

SURE, I'LL WAIT.

HER PHONE'S BUSY.

OH, UH, DYNAMITE.

THESE THINGS ARE JUST DYNAMITE.

ARE THOSE WHAT I SHOULD SAY, BARNEY?

THEY SURE ARE.

"POEMS OF ROMANCE" BY T. JONATHAN OSGOOD.

NOW, THIS IS REAL LITERATURE.

OH, HERE'S ONE I USED A COUPLE OF TIMES.

HELLO

UH, THIS IS OPIE.

WELL, HELLO, OPIE. HOW ARE YOU?

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

UH, I WANT TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

"WHEN YOU AND I ARE FAR APART..."

"WHEN YOU AND I ARE FAR APART..."

"...I NO LONGER LIVE."

"...I NO LONGER LIVE."

"MY HEART IS BURSTING FROM WITHIN..."

"MY HEART IS BURSTING FROM WITHIN..."

"...WITH ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE."

"...WITH ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE."

OPIE, WHAT ARE YOU READING?

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A POEM, AND I BOUGHT A PRESENT FOR YOU, TOO.

"LOVESICK AS --"

"LOVESICK AS I AM..."

"LOVESICK AS I AM..."

OPIE, THAT'S ENOUGH.

IS THERE SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU?

JUST A MINUTE.

SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHO'S HERE WITH ME.

Nobody.

BARNEY SAYS NOBODY.

OPIE, COME OVER HERE RIGHT AWAY.

I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU.

ALL RIGHT. RIGHT AWAY! GUESS WHAT!

SHE WANTS ME TO COME OVER TO HER HOUSE RIGHT AWAY.

WELL, NOW, THAT'S WHAT I CALL REAL ACTION.

I TOLD YOU THESE THINGS ARE SUREFIRE.

GEE, THANKS, BARNEY.

GLAD TO DO IT, OPE.

GLAD TO DO IT.

SHERIFF'S OFFICE.

OH, HI, HELEN.

OPIE? HE JUST LEFT.

HOW'D YOU KNOW HE WAS HERE?

YOU?

YOU MEAN, HE WAS TALKING TO YOU?

WELL, THOSE ARE JUST SOME POEMS

THAT I HAPPENED TO REMEMBER FROM MY CHILDHOOD.

W-WELL...

I-I THOUGHT WAS SOME KID FROM SCHOOL HE WAS CRAZY ABOUT.

I FIGURED I WAS JUST HELPING HIM.

THERE'S MORE TO A CHILD'S EDUCATION THAN 2 X 2, YOU KNOW.

WELL, I'M A LITTLE SURPRISED MYSELF, FRANKLY.

WELL, GOODBYE TO YOU, TOO.

WELL, IF IT AIN'T DADDY LONGLEGS.

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO MEAN.

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU LEARNED HOW TO HANDLE YOUR OWN SON.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, IF IT DON'T BOTHER YOU

THAT YOUR OWN BOY IS CRAZY ABOUT SOMEBODY

THAT'S MORE THAN TWICE HIS OWN AGE.

WELL, THEN, I JUST -- I JUST DON'T...

KNOW ANYTHING.

OH.

I KNOW HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON AN OLDER GIRL.

YOU DO, HUH? SURE.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO SHE IS, DO YOU?

NO. HE WANTS TO KEEP IT A SECRET.

MM-HMM. WELL, BRACE YOURSELF, BUSTER.

IT HAPPENS TO BE HELEN.

HELEN?

HELEN CRUMP.

DID HE TELL YOU THAT?

NO, NO, HE DIDN'T TELL ME.

NO, I HAD TO MAKE A GREAT BIG FOOL OUT OF MYSELF TO FIND OUT.

HE HAD HER ON THE TELEPHONE THERE AND I WAS HELPING HIM.

WITH THIS?

WELL, THAT'S NOT THE ISSUE.

THAT HAPPENED TO BE HANDY.

WHAT KIND OF A FATHER ARE YOU ANYWAYS

THAT YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT YOUR OWN BOY IS UP TO?

HE TOLD ME YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO HIM.

WELL, BARN, I'M SORRY YOU HAD TO GET INVOLVED.

WELL, THE CHILD NEEDS SOMEBODY TO TURN TO.

HE'S OVER THERE AT HELEN'S RIGHT NOW.

A KID FALLING IN LOVE WITH HIS TEACHER.

"POEMS OF ROMANCE."

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

WELL, I SUPPOSE I OUGHT TO GO OVER THERE.

YEAH, THAT'D BE A GOOD IDEA.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU GO ON?

OKAY. YOU WANT TO TAKE PATROL FOR ME?

SURE, I'LL TAKE PATROL.

WELL, GO, GO, GO!

IF YOU ASK ME, THE OLD SCHOOL SYSTEM WAS BETTER --

WHERE YOU GREW UP HATING YOUR TEACHER.

IT WAS A LOT LESS COMPLICATED!

WELL, IT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU, OPIE,

BUT, WELL, I-I CAN'T ACCEPT THEM.

DON'T YOU LIKE 'EM?

IT ISN'T THAT. IT'S --

OH, HELLO, ANDY. HELEN.

OPIE, I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THOSE STOCKINGS BACK.

PAW, YOU SAID YOU'D RATHER I WOULD.

YOU DIDN'T SAY I HAD TO.

I THINK WE'D BETTER TALK ABOUT THIS THING.

I HAVE SOME THINGS -- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOU STAY.

UH, OPIE, MISS CRUMP IS A FINE PERSON,

JUST A FINE PERSON,

AND I CAN UNDERSTAND YOU LIKING HER A LOT.

YES?

BUT, OPE, THE TRUTH OF THE MATTER IS,

MISS CRUMP IS A LITTLE MORE IN LINE WITH MY AGE.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, SHE'S MY GIRL.

YOU'RE KINDA STEPPING INTO MY TERRITORY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

SHE'S MY GIRL, LIKE SHARON McCALL WAS YOUR GIRL.

GEE, PAW, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

I KNOW YOU DIDN'T, SON.

I WON'T DO ANYTHING TO BREAK IT UP.

IF SHE'S YOUR GIRL, I JUST WON'T CALL HER ANYMORE.

THANKS.

YOU MEAN, YOU AND MISS CRUMP MIGHT GET MARRIED SOME DAY?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

WE-WE MIGHT.

GEE, PAW, THAT'S SWELL.

AS LONG AS SHE'S IN THE FAMILY,

I DON'T CARE IF SHE'S MY WIFE OR MY MOTHER.

THAT WAS VERY GOOD, CHILDREN. THAT'LL BE ALL FOR TODAY.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE I GOT HERE JUST IN TIME.

SHARON.

YOU WANT ME TO CARRY YOUR BOOKS FOR YOU?

NO. WHY NOT?

JOHNNY PAUL TOLD ME YOU LOVE MISS CRUMP.

THAT WAS YESTERDAY WHEN YOU WERE GETTING YOUR BRACE FIXED.

WELL, I COULDN'T HELP IT.

YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING? WHAT?

"WHEN YOU AND I ARE FAR APART, I NO LONGER LIVE.

MY HEART IS BURSTING FROM WITHIN WITH ALL MY LOVE TO GIVE."

DO YOU WANT TO GO OVER TO MY HOUSE AND PLAY STOOPBALL?

OKAY.

WELL...

LOOKS LIKE YOU'RE LEFT OUT IN THE COLD.

I NEVER WAS MUCH GOOD AT STOOPBALL.

MM.

WALK YOU HOME, MISS CRUMP?

WHY, CERTAINLY, ANDREW.