Original subtitles

STARRING ANDY GRIFFITH...

WITH RONNY HOWARD...

ALSO STARRING DON KNOTTS.

BARN.

ANDY.

BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

WHEN WILL PEOPLE EVER LEARN?

WHEN WILL THEY EVER LEARN?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

THEY'RE HAVING THEMSELVES A REGULAR CRIME WAVE

OVER THERE IN MARSHALL COUNTY.

IT'S NO WONDER.

HUH?

LISTEN TO THIS--

"A RECENT RASH OF BURGLARIES

"IN THIS COMMUNITY

"HAS THE LOCAL SHERIFF'S OFFICE GREATLY CONCERNED.

"THE SHERIFF ATTRIBUTES MOST OF THE ROBBERIES

"TO THE LACK OF SECURITY ON THE PART OF TOWN MERCHANTS.

"SAID SHERIFF WILSON, 'WE WOULD HAVE FEWER ROBBERIES

IF FOLKS SHOWED LESS A-PATHY.'"

APATHY.

RIGHT.

WELL, MY FRIEND...

TODAY IT'S HAPPENING OVER IN MARSHALL COUNTY

AND TOMORROW IT'S US.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WELL, I'M SURPRISED WE'VE BEEN SPARED THIS LONG, ANDY.

ANDY, THIS TOWN IS A PIECE OF CAKE.

A CROOK COULD COME IN HERE AND WALK OFF WITH THE PLACE.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE THERE'S NO SECURITY.

AND WHY IS THERE NO SECURITY?

A-PATHY.

APATHY.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GIVE YOU PARTICULARS?

IF YOU WANT...

A: EARL JOHNSON

LEFT HIS KEY IN THE CAR ALL NIGHT.

WELL, DON'T YOU REMEMBER, BARN?

THAT KEY BROKE OF IN THERE LAST SPRING.

HE CAN'T GET IT OUT.

ALL RIGHT. B: NO NIGHT-LIGHT ON

IN THE OFFICE OF THE MAYBERRY ICEHOUSE.

I KNOW IT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU KNOW IT?

THE LIGHT KEEPS THE WATCHMAN AWAKE.

THAT'S "C."

OH, ANDY, EVERYWHERE YOU LOOK IN THIS TOWN

IT'S JUST CARELESSNESS AND INDIFFERENCE.

YOU SURE ARE AWFUL POLICE THIS MORNING.

WHAT DID YOU AND THELMA LOU DO LAST NIGHT?

WHAT'S THAT GOT TO DO WITH ANYTHING?

WE GOTTA SHAPE UP HERE, CHIEF.

"CHIEF"?

YOU NEVER CALL ME CHIEF UNLESS, UH...

YOU WENT TO THE MOVIES, DIDN'T YOU?

I THINK SO.

WHAT WAS PLAYING?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

ALL I KNOW IS THE SITUATION AROUND HERE IS DESPERATE.

UH...LET'S SEE...

THURSDAY, FRIDAY AND SATURDAY

GLENN FORD IN "G-MEN."

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAW, HUH?

I DON'T REMEMBER.

THAT'S WHAT YOU SAW.

GLENN FORD IN "G-MEN."

NOW YOU'RE GONNA GLENN FORD IT ALL OVER TOWN.

TRY TO CONTROL IT, WILL YOU, BARN?

I GOT TO GO OUT

AND DO A LITTLE BUSINESS.

I'LL BE BACK AFTER A WHILE.

WELL, WHERE ARE YOU GOING TO BE?

COME ON, LET'S HAVE SOME ORGANIZATION.

FILL ME IN.

ALL RIGHT.

ONE: TAKE SQUAD CAR TO FILLING STATION

AND HAVE LUBE.

TWO: WALK BLOCK AND A HALF TO DRUGSTORE.

THREE: EAT LUNCH, CONSISTING OF

A: EGG SALAD SANDWICH;

B: HOLD LETTUCE AND TOMATO;

C: COFFEE, BLACK.

OH, AND, D: HAVE ONE OF THEM LITTLE YELLOW COOKIES.

YOU GOT THE RUNDOWN, GLENN?

STICK 'EM UP.

OH, HIYA, BARNEY.

ALL RIGHT, ASA, ON YOUR FEET.

THIS IS A SECURITY CHECK.

WHAT?

ON YOUR FEET.

WELL, GIVE ME A HAND, WILL YOU, BARNEY?

I GOT THE MISERY IN MY BACK.

NOW WHAT'S THIS I CAN DO FOR YOU?

I SAID THIS IS A SECURITY CHECK.

SECURITY CHECK!

OH, WINDOW NUMBER TWO.

MISS HARRIET WILL CASH IT.

NO, ASA, I DON'T WANT TO CASH A CHECK.

I'M CHECKING THE SECURITY OF THIS BANK.

THIS PLACE IS A PUSHOVER.

FOR A ROBBERY, YOU MEAN? HAVE YOU HEARD SOMETHING?

IS THERE GOING TO BE A ROBBERY?

NO, NO, NO.

BUT THERE COULD BE.

THIS PLACE IS JUST BEGGING FOR IT.

WHAT ARE YOUR OFFICIAL COUNTERMEASURES

IN THE EVENT OF A 10

SEEMS TO ME I HEARD SOMEONE ELSE SAY THAT

IN THE LAST FEW DAYS.

NOW WHO WAS THAT?

WELL, COME ON, WHO WAS IT?

MAYBE THE BANK'S BEING CASED.

WELL, LET'S SEE...

COME ON, THINK, ASA, THINK.

NICE-LOOKING FELLA ABOUT 35, DARK HAIR...

A STRANGER?

NO. I'VE SEEN HIM BEFORE.

NOW WAIT A MINUTE...

WELL?

GLENN FORD-- THAT'S WHO IT WAS.

DID YOU SEE THAT PICTURE?

WASN'T HE WONDERFUL?

I AIN'T INTERESTED IN MOVIES.

I'M INTERESTED IN YOUR OFFICIAL COUNTERMEASURES.

WHAT WOULD YOU DO IN THE EVENT

OF A HOLDUP?

WELL, UH...

FIRST THING, I, UH...

I-I'D PULL MY GUN.

ALL RIGHT, DRAW.

UH, I SHOULD HAVE WARNED YOU, BARNEY.

YOU SEE, THE FLAP HOLDS THE HANDLE ON THE GUN.

I LOST THE SCREWS ABOUT FOUR YEARS AGO.

I'LL GET OVER TO THE HARDWARE STORE

ON OF THESE DAYS AND GET SOME NEW ONES.

THE HARDWARE STORE IS RIGHT DOWN THE STREET.

WHAT ARE THEM GREEN THINGS IN YOUR CARTRIDGE BELT?

BULLETS.

THEY'RE MOLDY.

ASA, LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT A BULLET OUGHT TO LOOK LIKE.

NOW THERE'S BULLET MAINTENANCE.

OH, BARNEY, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I'VE HEARD ABOUT YOUR BULLET, BARNEY.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

I LIKE FOR THINGS TO BE NICE AND SHINY.

ONE OF THESE DAYS

I'LL BRING OVER MY BALL OF TINFOIL.

HEY, BARN?

I FINISHED EATING LUNCH. YOU WANT TO EAT?

I'M SO DISGUSTED, I DON'T FEEL LIKE EATING.

COME HERE.

ANDY, THESE PEOPLE ARE MAKING A FOOL

OUT OF THE WORD "SECURITY".

THE BANK GUARD IS A JOKE.

LOOK AT HIM.

CASH DRAWERS ARE LEFT OPEN.

THE VAULT IS OPEN.

BARNEY, YOU'RE GETTIN' ALL STEAMED UP OVER THIS.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TAKE THE REST OF THE DAY OFF?

GO ON OVER TO THE DRUGSTORE

AND HAVE A NICE LUNCH.

THE BUSINESSMAN'S SPECIAL IS A HOLLOWED-OUT TOMATO

STUFFED WITH AVOCADO AND RAISINS.

IT'S GOOD, TOO.

AND TOP THINGS OFF WITH A LEMON PHOSPHATE

AND YOU'RE RIGHT IN BUSINESS.

TAKE A WALK OVER TO THE GRAND--

WATCH THEM CHANGE THE MARQUEE.

WELL, YOU ALWAYS ENJOY THAT.

YOU MUST TAKE ME FOR THE BIGGEST IDIOT

ON THE AMERICAN SCENE.

NOW, BARN...

WHY DON'T YOU COME RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT--

I'M A JERK.

WELL, COME ON, COME ON, SAY IT.

J-E-R-K.

JERK.

SLAPPING ME IN THE FACE

WITH THIS BUSINESSMAN'S SPECIAL

AND A LEMON PHOSPHATE

AND TAKING A DAY OFF.

ANDY, BARNEY.

SOMETHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?

YEAH. I'LL GIVE IT TO YOU STRAIGHT FROM THE BUTTONHOLE

SHERIFF TAYLOR NOT WITHSTANDING.

THIS BANK IS A CRACKER BOX AND A PUSHOVER.

I HAVE GIVEN IT

A COMPLETE AND THOROUGH EXAMINATION,

AND I CANNOT SEE ONE-- NOT ONE, MIND YOU--

ACCEPTABLE COUNTERMEASURE IN THE EVENT OF A 10-12.

BARNEY, I THINK YOU GOT HOLD OF SOMETHING THERE.

COME HERE.

HARRIET, CAN YOU COME HERE A MINUTE?

I WANT YOU TO HEAR SOMETHING.

GO AHEAD, BARNEY.

TELL HER WHAT YOU TOLD ME.

WELL, I SIMPLY SAID THAT AFTER A THOROUGH EXAMINATION

I FIND THIS BANK LACKING ANY COUNTERMEASURES WHATSOEVER

IN THE EVENT OF A 10-12.

WELL?

GLENN FORD.

OF COURSE.

Man: THAT WAS GREAT, BARNEY.

NOW SIMMER DOWN, BARN.

FOUR YEARS ASA'S BEEN WALKIN' AROUND

WITHOUT ANY SCREWS IN HIS GUN.

WHERE'S THE HARDWARE STORE?

RIGHT DOWN THE STREET

A WHIFF AND A WHISKER AWAY.

BOY, OH, BOY.

ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GO GET SCREWS

AND PUT 'EM IN ASA'S GUN.

WHAT KIND OF GUN'S ASA GOT?

OH, ONE OF THEM OLD TEDDY ROOSEVELT HORSE PISTOLS.

I REMEMBER IT.

MY DADDY GOT ASA TO SHOW IT TO ME

WHEN I WAS A BOY.

HE LET ME PUT IT IN MY BELT.

BOY, IT WAS HEAVY.

I REMEMBER IT SLIPPED THROUGH

AND TORE THE BUCKLE OFF MY KNICKERS AND EVERYTHING.

WHAT'S THE ACTION HERE?

WHY ARE WE STOPPIN' AT MRS. KELSEY'S?

MRS. KELSEY HAD TO GO TO MT. PILOT.

OH, WE'RE GOING TO CHECK THE LOCKS, HUH?

UH, NO, WE'RE GOING TO TAKE IN HER LAUNDRY.

WHAT?!

SHE ASKED IN VERY NICE WAY

AND I SAID WE WOULD.

NOW COME ON, BARN.

THE BACK SCREEN DOOR'S OPEN.

JUST LEAVE IT ON THE SERVICE PORCH.

ANDY, I'M A DEPUTY SHERIFF.

YOU'RE ALSO A SERVANT OF THE PEOPLE.

NOW COME ON, BARN.

FINE WORK FOR A HIGHLY TRAINED, SKILLED OFFICER OF THE LAW.

HEY, BARN, DON'T GET HURT.

WHAT?

THEM CLOTHESPINS GOT AWFUL STRONG SPRINGS.

WELL, HELLO, LEON.

MRS. KELSEY'S AWAY.

I'M JUST TAKING DOWN HER CLOTHES.

DON'T NEVER BE A POLICE OFFICER, LEON.

NOT IN THIS TOWN, ANYWAYS.

YOU KNOW WHAT A POLICE OFFICER IS IN THIS TOWN?

A LAUNDRY BOY.

NO, THANKS, LEON.

WELL, I HOPE WHEN YOU GROW UP

YOU MOVE TO A TOWN THAT HAS A BETTER BANK.

THAT BANK IS IN SUCH A SORRY STATE.

I'D LIKE TO SEE THEM GET HELD UP JUST ONCE--

JUST ONCE, JUST TO SCARE THE HECK OUT OF THEM.

THAT'S ALL. JUST ONCE.

I'D LIKE TO FIND SOME WAY TO SHOW THEM

WHAT KIND OF AN EASY MARK THEY ARE.

YEAH.

YEAH.

DON'T YOU SAY NOTHIN' ABOUT THIS, LEON.

MAY I HELP YOU, MA'AM?

I'M MRS. MAGRUDER'S COUSIN.

I'M HERE TO CLEAN FOR HER.

WHERE'S MRS. MAGRUDER?

SHE'S SICK.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

UH...

FUNGUS OF THE KNEE.

* YOU'RE AS WELCOME AS THE FLOWERS IN MAY *

* TO DEAR OLD DONEGAL

* MM, TO DEAR OLD DONEGAL *

MR. MELDRIN.

WHAT IS IT, HARRIET?

COME DOWN HERE A MINUTE.

LOOK AT THAT OLD WOMAN.

MRS. MAGRUDER?

IT'S NOT MRS. MAGRUDER.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE MRS. MAGRUDER'S COUSIN,

BUT IT ISN'T.

TAKE A GOOD LOOK.

BARNEY FIFE?

OH, THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

I THINK WE OFFENDED HIM THIS MORNING.

HE'S TRYING TO TEACH US A LESSON.

WATCH THIS.

STOP, THIEF!

OH, MY HEAVENS!

IT'S LOCKED, AND IT WON'T OPEN AGAIN

TILL 8:00 TOMORROW MORNING.

HE'LL SMOTHER IN THERE.

THANK GOODNESS HE DOESN'T SOUND

LIKE HE'S HURT.

ASA! ASA!

HMM?

TIME TO GO HOME?

NO. DEPUTY FIFE IS LOCKED IN THE VAULT.

RUN OVER TO THE FILLING STATION

AND TELL THEM WE NEED AN ACETYLENE TORCH.

HARRIET, GET SHERIFF TAYLOR.

ALL RIGHT.

OH, THAT STUPID DEPUTY.

HEY, BARN!

YOU ALL RIGHT?

HURRY UP, GOMER-- HE DON'T ANSWER.

THIS STUFF'S THICK.

IT AIN'T LIKE CUTTIN' THROUGH A MASHED FENDER.

I SURE HOPE HE'S ALL RIGHT.

HI, MRS. RODENBACH.

HI, BARNEY.

GOT A CASE?

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN A MAN TAKE OFF A DRESS BEFORE?

OH, THAT FOOL, THAT FOOL.

WHY DID HE DO THIS?

HE THOUGHT HE WAS DOING IT FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

Barney: RIGHT.

BARNEY, YOU'RE ALL RIGHT.

I'M FINE.

DOGGONE YOU, WE THOUGHT YOU WAS IN THAT VAULT.

I WAS.

I CRASHED THROUGH THE BACK WALL

INTO THE BEAUTY SHOP.

IF THAT DON'T PROVE

WHAT A CRACKERBOX BANK YOU GOT,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DOES.

YOU'VE DONE NOTHING BUT CAUSE TROUBLE.

YOU HAD US ALL WORRIED SICK.

WELL, WORRIED OR NOT,

HAVE I MADE MY POINT OR HAVEN'T I?

I BET THERE AIN'T A BANK IN THE WHOLE WORLD

THAT HAS LESS SECURITY THAN THE MAYBERRY SECURITY BANK.

THE GUARD'S ALWAYS ASLEEP.

THE CASH DRAWERS ARE LEFT OPEN.

A FAULTY VAULT.

NO ALARM SYSTEM.

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU PEOPLE'LL LEARN.

HEY, BARN.

BARN, LISTEN.

HEY, BARN, WAIT UP.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL PAY A HALF

BUT I THINK THE SHERIFF'S DEPARTMENT

OUGHT TO PAY THE OTHER HALF.

OKAY.

OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU--

THAT DOOR'S STILL HOT.

DID YOU PASS THE CHECK?

DIDN'T EVEN GET TO THE WINDOW.

I GOT A BETTER IDEA, MORT.

YOU BEEN WANTING TO DO A BANK JOB, HAVEN'T YOU?

YEAH.

WELL, THIS IS IT.

THE SOFTEST TOUCH I'VE EVER SEEN.

GET IN. I'LL LAY IT OUT FOR YOU.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, LEON.

NO, THANK YOU.

I JUST HAD BREAKFAST.

REACH.

WHAT ON EARTH...?

BARNEY, BARNEY, BARNEY.

WON'T YOU EVER LEARN?

JUST REACH AND SHUT UP.

BARNEY, ENOUGH'S ENOUGH.

NOW, I HAVE A BANK TO RUN.

SMART GUY.

YOU'RE NOT BARNEY.

NEVER MIND WHO I AM.

NOW, LET'S GET TO IT.

COME ON. COME ON.

GOOD MORNING, HARRIET.

DON'T "GOOD MORNING" ME, SHERIFF.

THAT BARNEY FIFE IS AT IT AGAIN.

WHAT?

ANOTHER FAKE HOLDUP.

I SAW HIM PLAIN AS DAY THROUGH THE BANK DOOR

WAVING HIS GUN AND WEARING

A SILLY STOCKING OVER HIS FACE.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT, NOW MOVE.

KEEP 'EM UP, KEEP 'EM UP.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S GOOD, RIGHT HERE.

FACE THE WALL WITH YOUR HANDS UP

AND DON'T MOVE TILL YOU'VE COUNTED A HUNDRED.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

GET OVER AGAINST THE WALL WITH YOUR FRIEND.

THAT YOU IN THERE, BARN?

BETTER COME OVER HERE, ASA.

THAT ISN'T BARNEY.

THIS IS A REAL HOLDUP.

ALL RIGHT, GET OVER THERE.

OH, MERCY. MERCY.

ALL RIGHT, BARNEY, ENOUGH'S ENOUGH.

QUIT HANDLING ASA SO ROUGH.

HE'S A OLD MAN.

AND TAKE THAT SILLY-LOOKING STOCKING OFF YOUR FACE.

PULL THAT SHADE DOWN AND TOSS THAT GUN

OVER HERE.

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO TELL YOU, ANDY,

THIS ISN'T BARNEY.

ALL RIGHT, GET OVER HERE, BOTH OF YOU.

COME ON, MOVE.

HE BROKE MY GUN.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, ASA.

GO GET THE OTHER GUN.

YES, SIR.

I'LL CHECK THE GETAWAY CAR.

BEAT IT, HOWIE!

HOLD IT!

YOU'RE COVERED!

ALL RIGHT, COME ON!

BACK HERE.

COME ON, MOVE.

COME ON.

CONGRATULATIONS, BARN. YOU GOT HIM.

YEAH, THESE OUT-OF-TOWN SMART ALECKS.

I'M THROWING THE BOOK AT HIM.

OVERTIME PARKING.

CAUSING A NUISANCE.

NO DRIVER'S LICENSE.

BANK ROBBERY.

BANK ROBBERY...

NO REGISTRATION CERTIFICATE, RESISTING ARRES...

BANK ROBBERY?

LOOK, MR. BUTLER, YOU'RE A NEWSPAPER PUBLISHER, RIGHT?

OKAY. YOU'RE A WELL

YOU KNOW A LOT OF FACTS.

YOU GET 'EM ALL STRAIGHT, RIGHT?

OKAY, NOW LISTEN CAREFULLY.

IT HAPPENS EVERY TIME.

I TELL YOU EVERY TIME IT HAPPENS,

BUT YOU DON'T REMEMBER.

MY NAME IS FIFE -- F-I-F-E.

FOR THE THIRD TIME NOW,

YOU'VE PRINTED IT FIKE -- F-I-K-E.

OKAY. APPRECIATE IT.

OH, FOR PETE'S SAKE.

WHAT'D HE SAY?

"I'LL GET IT RIGHT NEXT TIME, HOWIE."

OH, HIYA, ASA.

HELLO, ANDY. HI, ASA.

HEY, BARNEY, LOOK AT THIS.

SEE THERE? I GOT IT FIXED.

I WENT TO THE HARDWARE STORE

AND GOT SOME SCREWS FOR THE HANDLE.

GOOD. GOOD.

AIN'T THEY GOOD-LOOKIN' SCREWS IN THERE?

YEAH, THEY LOOK JUST FINE.

SHOW IT TO ANDY.

SEE MY NEW SCREWS, ANDY?

NICE-LOOKIN' SCREWS, ASA.

YEAH. GENUINE BRASS.

THEY WON'T RUST IN CASE THE GUN GETS WET.

FOR PETE'S SAKE, ASA,

WHY WOULD YOU EVER GET YOUR GUN WET?

WELL, SOMETIMES I LEAVE IT OUT ON THE FRONT PORCH

AND IT GETS RAINED ON.

AND SOMETIMES WHEN I TAKE A SHOWER,

THE ROOM GETS ALL STEAMY.

THAT COULD MAKE IT RUST.

AND LOOK HERE, BARNEY.

REMEMBER HOW YOU USED TO HATE MY BULLETS

BECAUSE THEY WERE ALL GREEN AND MOLDY?

LOOK.

OH, GOOD. THAT'S GOOD.

I POLISHED IT WITH EMERY CLOTH AND LAUNDRY SOAP.

COMPARE IT WITH YOURS.

SEE, ANDY?

IT'S NICE, ASA.

YOU AND BARNEY GOT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL BULLETS IN TOWN.

REALLY, ANDY? SURE.

UH, ASA, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING.

ARE YOU OFF TODAY?

NO.

WELL, IS IT SOME KIND

OF HOLIDAY OR SOMETHING?

NO.

WHY? WELL, NOTHIN'.

I WAS JUST WONDERING WHO'S OVER THERE WATCHING THE BANK.

HUH?

OH, THE BANK. OH, FOR GOODNESS' SAKE.

I'LL SEE YOU, BOYS.

ASA, YOU FORGOT YOUR GUN.

WELL, SOME DAYS ARE LIKE THAT, HUH, HOWIE?