Original subtitles

STARRING ANDY GRIFFITH...

WITH RONNIE HOWARD.

ALSO STARRING DON KNOTTS.

* WHEN JOHN HENRY WAS A LITTLE BABY *

* SITTIN' ON HIS MAMMY'S KNEE *

* GIVE ONE LONG AND LOUD AND LONESOME WAIL *

* SAYS, THE HAMMER'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME, LORD, LORD *

* THE HAMMER'LL BE THE DEATH OF ME *

* JOHN HENRY SAYS TO HIS SHAKER *

* WELL, SHAKER, WHY DON'T YOU PRAY? *

* IF MY HAMMER MISS THIS LITTLE PIECE OF STEEL *

* TOMORROW'LL BE YOUR BURYIN' DAY, LORD, LORD *

* TOMORROW'LL BE YOUR BURYIN' DAY *

NOW, THAT OUGHT TO MAKE YOU FEEL BETTER, OTIS.

OH, THAT WAS JUST FINE, ANDY.

THANKS.

OH, MORNIN', BARN.

ANDY'S SINGING NOW.

BARNEY, PLAY ONE ON YOUR HARMONICA.

WHAT IS THIS, A JAIL OR A NIGHTCLUB?

IS HE SOBER ENOUGH TO LEAVE?

I DON'T KNOW -- OTIS, YOU FEEL UP TO FACING THE WORLD?

YEAH, BUT I DON'T KNOW IF THE WORLD'S UP TO FACING ME.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT CLEARING OUT, HUH?

SURE. SURE, BARNEY, SURE.

DON'T GO AWAY MAD, OTIS.

WANT ANOTHER CUP OF COFFEE?

OH, BETTER NOT, ANDY.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME SLEEP IT OFF, THOUGH.

THAT'S OKAY. BEHAVE YOURSELF, NOW.

OH, I WILL. I WILL.

I'LL SEE YOU, OTIS.

BYE-BYE.

BARNEY, YOU WAS A MIGHT SHARP TO OL' OTIS.

SOMETHING AILING YOU THIS MORNING?

NO, NOTHING'S AILING ME THIS MORNING.

OHH, YOU'RE AS TOUCHY AS A OLD SETTIN' HEN.

I KNOW WHAT'LL PERK YOU UP.

GET A CUP OF COFFEE.

I'LL SING "THE WRECK OF THE OLD 97" FOR YOU.

LIKE THE FELLA SAYS, "MUSIC HATH CHARMS."

YOU CALL THEM DIPPY SONGS MUSIC?

WELL, THEY'RE FOLK MUSIC.

KINDA LIKE TRUE STORIES SET TO TUNES IS WHAT THEY ARE.

IF SOMEBODY DOES SOMETHING BRAVE

WHY NOT SING ABOUT IT?

BESIDES, YOU ALWAYS LIKED THEM BEFORE.

WELL, I DON'T LIKE THEM NOW.

THEY'RE HICK SONGS

AND THIS IS A HICK TOWN

AND I'M A HICK DEPUTY

DOING A HICK JOB IN A HICK JAIL!

BARNEY, SET DOWN RIGHT THERE.

NOW, SUPPOSE YOU TELL ME WHAT BROUGHT THIS ON?

HAVE YOU SEEN THAT NEW STATE POLICE BUILDING

OVER AT MOUNT PILOT?

NO, NOT YET.

ANDY, WE ARE SO FAR BEHIND THE TIMES

IT IS PITIFUL!

WHY, WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A RADIO DISPATCHER

NOR A CRIME LAB NOR A FINGERPRINT FILE

OR A TELETYPE MACHINE OR A RADAR.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE A HEE-LEE-O-COPTER.

WELL, WE AIN'T GOT GUIDED MISSILES EITHER

BUT I DOUBT IF WE NEED THEM.

NOW, BARNEY, YOU GET THIS WAY EVERY NOW AND THEN.

IT -- IT'S JUST...

OH, UH... OH, ANDY?

MORNIN', MAYOR.

MEET OUR SHERIFF-- ANDY TAYLOR.

ANDY, THIS IS MR. FRED JENKINS OF THE F.B.I.

NICE TO MEET YOU, SIR.

MY PLEASURE, SHERIFF TAYLOR.

THIS IS MY DEPUTY, BARNEY FIFE.

BARNEY. F.B.I.

YES, SIR, THESE ARE THE TWO MEN RESPONSIBLE.

WHAT'D WE DO?

YEAH, RESPONSIBLE FOR WHAT?

THE RATE OF CRIME HERE IN MAYBERRY.

AND, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED NEW EQUIPMENT!

SIR, WE'RE WORKING HERE UNDER VERY PRIMITIVE CONDITIONS.

WHY, WE AIN'T EVEN GOT A RADIO THAT --

BARNEY, JUST A SECOND.

WHAT ABOUT OUR RATE OF CRIME?

IT'S THE LOWEST IN THE WHOLE DAD-BLAMED COUNTRY.

THAT'S RIGHT -- THE F.B.I.'s LATEST SURVEY SHOWS MAYBERRY

TO BE THE MOST CRIME-FREE COMMUNITY IN THE UNITED STATES.

ON BEHALF OF MR. HOOVER AND THE ENTIRE BUREAU

CONGRATULATIONS.

WELL, I'LL BE DOGGED AND FROM MR. HOOVER.

OLD J. EDGAR HIMSELF.

WE BETTER COME OVER HERE AND TALK ABOUT THIS.

THAT'S QUITE AN HONOR, YOU KNOW THAT, BARNEY?

THE CHIEF HAS SENT ME DOWN HERE

TO OBSERVE FIRSTHAND

JUST HOW YOU ACHIEVED THIS WONDERFUL RECORD.

WELL, FIRST OFF, I THINK THE CREDIT

OUGHT TO GO WHERE IT RIGHTFULLY BELONGS.

NOW, ANDY, YOU HAD JUST AS MUCH

TO DO WITH IT AS I DID.

WELL, I APPRECIATE THAT, BARNEY

BUT WHAT I HAD IN MIND

WAS THE FOLKS THAT LIVE HERE.

I THINK BARNEY AND ME IS JUST LUCKY

TO BE PEACE OFFICERS IN A COMMUNITY

OF LAW-ABIDIN', GOD-FEARIN' CITIZENS.

WHY, ABOUT THE MOST WE HAVE TO DO...

ANDY, YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE

FOR YOUR BARBERSHOP APPOINTMENT.

I AIN'T GOT NO BARBERSHOP APPOINTMENT.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, ANDY.

YOU WANT TO LOOK GOOD FOR THE PRESS PHOTOGRAPHERS.

I'M AFRAID A CERTAIN AMOUNT OF PUBLICITY

IS INEVITABLE, SHERIFF TAYLOR.

WELL, MR. JENKINS, I WOULDN'T MAKE TOO MUCH OUT OF THIS.

OUR SHERIFF'S A VERY MODEST MAN.

THAT'S ONE OF YOUR TROUBLES, ANDY.

YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN TOO MODEST.

YOU SHOULDN'T BE THAT WAY AT ALL.

TAKE A LITTLE CREDIT FOR THE THINGS YOU DO.

YEAH, I GUESS THAT'S THE WORD

THAT DESCRIBES US BEST -- MODEST.

AS YOU CAN SEE

WE DON'T GO IN FOR FANCY TECHNICAL EQUIPMENT HERE.

WE'RE JUST PLAIN, SIMPLE MEN

FIGHTING ORGANIZED CRIME WITH RAW COURAGE.

STRONG, DETERMINED, RUGGED, FEARLESS...

AND MODEST.

I THINK THAT'S THE WORD

THAT DESCRIBES US BEST, YES.

WELL, SO JUST ABOUT THEN, THERE COME

A JERK ON MY LINE THAT LIKE TO SNATCHED ME

RIGHT OVER THE SIDE OF THAT BOAT.

I SAYS, "HOLD ON, BARNEY, WE HAVE DONE HOOKED US A WHALE."

I'LL BET HE WAS A CATFISH.

NO, SIR. HE WAS A CARP.

BIGGEST THING I EVER DID LAY EYES ON.

AND DON'T YOU THINK I DIDN'T HAVE A FIGHT ON MY HANDS.

A CARP? OH, THEY ARE FIGHTERS.

FIGHTING FISH. OH, I'LL SAY.

YEP, HE'S STILL IN THERE.

AND YOU'LL BE THE FIRST TO INTERVIEW HIM.

OH, I'M SO THRILLED I'M GETTING A SCOOP.

AND MEETING A REAL HERO.

THE LOWEST CRIME RATE IN THE WHOLE UNITED STATES

AND HE RESPONSIBLE.

I'M TELLING YOU THE TRUTH, FLOYD.

THAT THERE WAS THE FIGHTIN'EST CRITTER

I EVER DID TANGLE WITH.

HE WASN'T ABOUT TO BE CAUGHT.

THEY'RE STRONG, THOSE CARPS... AND MEAN!

"WELL," I SAYS

"MR. CARP, YOU HAVE MET YOUR MATCH."

AND THEN... OH, HOW DO?

WELL, MAYOR PIKE.

MISS WILLIAMSON

THIS IS SHERIFF ANDY TAYLOR

AND OUR BARBER, FLOYD LAWSON.

HOW DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?

MISS WILLIAMSON WRITES FOR THE NEWSPAPER

OVER AT THE STATE CAPITAL.

PERHAPS YOU'VE READ MY COLUMN

"MEANDERING WITH MARGARET"?

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME A SECOND.

I HAVE SOMETHING TO CHECK UP ON.

WELL, PLEASE DO GO ON WITH THAT THRILLING EXPLOIT

YOU WERE TELLING MR. LAWSON.

OH, WELL, UH, UH... WHERE WAS I?

WELL, YOU WERE JUST SAYING

"MR. CARP, YOU HAVE MET YOUR MATCH."

OH, YES.

WELL, OLD CARP-- HE DIDN'T THINK SO.

NO?

NO. THE CLOSER I COME TO PULLING HIM IN

THE SCRAPPIER HE GOT.

FINALLY, I JUST REACHED DOWN

AND PICKED UP A AX

AND, WHAM, RIGHT BETWEEN THE EYES.

YOU STRUCK HIM WITH AN AX?

THE BLUNT SIDE TO STUN HIM.

OH, THEY'RE TOUGH, THOSE CARPS!

OH, I TELL YOU!

WHAT DID YOU DO THEN?

I STRUNG HIM UP AND HAD MY PICTURE TOOK WITH HIM.

YOU STRUNG HIM UP RIGHT THEN AND THERE?

WELL, YES, MA'AM. THERE WAS A BIG OAK TREE

WITH A GOOD STOUT LIMB --

OH, I RECKON SEVEN, EIGHT FEET OFF THE GROUND.

I THROWED A ROPE ACROSS IT

AND PULLED HIM UP.

AND BARNEY -- THAT'S MY DEPUTY --

HE TOOK MY PICTURE STANDING BESIDE OF HIM

GRINNING FROM EAR TO EAR.

IT TOOK ME ABOUT ALL MY STRENGTH I HAD

TO PULL THAT CARP UP

WHERE HE CLEARED THE GROUND.

THEY'RE BIG, THOSE CARPS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

WELL, I GOT A PICTURE HERE...

OH, NO, NO. PLEASE.

YOU KILLED HIM?

WELL, YES, MA'AM. ROUND THESE PARTS

WE FIGURE WE'RE DOING FOLKS A FAVOR

WHEN WE KILL A CARP.

THEY'RE A AWFUL NUISANCE.

PUSHY. THEY'RE AWFUL PUSHY.

OH, NOBODY LIKES A CARP.

WELL, ALL RIGHT, THEY MAY BE AN UNDESIRABLE ELEMENT

BUT GOOD HEAVENS.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO AROUND

KILLING THEM.

HOW YOU GETTING ALONG, MISS WILLIAMSON?

MAYOR PIKE, DO YOU KNOW

THAT MAN KILLED A CARP IN COLD BLOOD?

OH, I EXPECT ANDY'S KILLED MANY A CARP.

I HOPE HE GETS RID OF A LOT MORE OF THEM.

WE JUST DON'T LIKE THEM AROUND HERE.

WELL! I'M GOING HOME

WHERE THIS SORT OF THING COULD NEVER HAPPEN.

YOU MEAN YOU WOULDN'T KILL A CARP

WHERE YOU COME FROM?

OF COURSE NOT.

ANY MORE THAN WE'D KILL A PIKE.

OOH!

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

HUH! WELL, THAT'S CITY FOLKS FOR YOU.

IF THEY WAS TO STUDY, THEY COULDN'T PICK

TWO ORNERIER FISH TO PROTECT.

WELL, WE GOT MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO TALK ABOUT.

NOW, MR. JENKINS THINKS

WE OUGHT TO HOLD THAT CELEBRATION TOMORROW NIGHT.

WHAT CELEBRATION?

WHEN WE GIVE YOU AND BARNEY THE MEDALS!

MEDALS? NOW WAIT A MINUTE, MAYOR.

YOU'RE BLOWING THIS THING

WAY OUT OF PROPORTION.

YOU'RE GETTING FOLKS ALL STIRRED UP

OVER SOMETHING THAT AIN'T THAT IMPORTANT.

WELL, I'D CALL IT IMPORTANT-- WOULDN'T YOU, FLOYD?

WELL, I SURE WOULD -- I'M STIRRED UP

AND I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT IS.

PAW, I JUST HEARD.

HEARD WHAT?

GEE, PAW, YOU'RE A REAL HERO.

EVERY KID IN SCHOOL SAYS TO THANK YOU.

THANK ME

THE PRINCIPAL DECLARED A HOLIDAY

'CAUSE YOU AND BARNEY ARE BEING HONORED.

YOU GETTIN' A MEDAL, PAW?

NO, SON, I'M NOT.

YES, YOU ARE, ANDY.

I'VE ALREADY TOLD RAY WATSON TO GET STARTED WITH THEM.

WELL, YOU JUST TELL HIM TO GET UNSTARTED.

THERE AIN'T NOBODY GONNA PIN A MEDAL ON ME

FOR SOMETHING I DIDN'T DO.

BUT YOU DID DO IT.

DID WHAT?

WHAT DID HE DO?

NOW, MAYOR, I'M GONNA TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME.

BARNEY AND ME IS JUST LUCKY.

AND WE DON'T WANT ANY FUSSIN'.

NOW, I KNOW I SPEAK FOR BARNEY WHEN I SAY

WE DON'T WANT ANY MEDALS.

AIN'T YOU GOT ANYTHING BIGGER THAN THESE?

WELL, I CAN MAKE UP ANYTHING YOU WANT, BARNEY.

THESE ARE JUST SAMPLES OF OTHER MEDALS.

SAY, WHY DON'T I SKETCH OUT AN IDEA

AND SEE HOW YOU AND ANDY LIKE IT?

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, RAY.

REMEMBER, NOW, NOTHING GAUDY.

JUST PLAIN, SIMPLE SOLID GOLD.

NO DIAMONDS.

NOT FOR ME.

COURSE, IF YOU'D LIKE TO WORK SOMETHING OUT IN RUBIES

THAT'S MY BIRTHSTONE.

OKAY, BARNEY.

I'LL SEE YOU, RAY.

SAY HELLO TO YOUR MOTHER.

THANK YOU. I WILL.

OH, WHERE WAS I?

YOU WERE JUST ABOUT TO SUM UP.

OH, YEAH. UH-HUH.

WELL, I GUESS, TO SUM IT UP

YOU COULD SAY THERE'S THREE REASONS

WHY THERE'S SO LITTLE CRIME IN MAYBERRY.

THERE'S ANDY...

AND THERE'S ME...

AND BABY MAKES THREE.

SAY, THAT'S KIND OF A GOOD PHRASE

IF YOU'D LIKE TO WRITE THAT DOWN.

I'LL REMEMBER IT.

SHERIFF TAYLOR?

UH, UH... NO.

DEPUTY SHERIFF FIFE.

"BARNEY" TO YOU GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS.

JOE LAYTON, INTERCONTINENTAL NEWS.

HOW SOON WILL SHERIFF TAYLOR BE BACK?

OH, ANY MINUTE NOW.

MEANTIME, IS THAT A PRETTY GOOD CAMERA?

YEAH. WHY?

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT MY FAST DRAW

HAS NEVER BEEN SUCCESSFULLY PHOTOGRAPHED.

ALL THEY BEEN ABLE TO GET SO FAR

IS A SORT OF A BLUR.

DEPUTY?

OH, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS MR. JENKINS OF THE F.B.I.

MR. JOE LAYTON, INTERCONTINENTAL NEWS SERVICE.

MR. LAYTON.

WHY DON'T YOU RUN OVER TO THE BARBERSHOP

AND SEE WHAT'S KEEPING SHERIFF TAYLOR?

I'LL LOOK AFTER THINGS HERE.

OH, OKAY.

I GUESS I CAN TRUST THE F.B.I.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

I THOUGHT THAT CLOWN WOULD TALK MY ARM OFF.

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN?

CASING THE ROADS IN AND OUT OF TOWN.

THEY GO FOR THE F.B.I. BIT?

DIDN'T EVEN ASK TO SEE MY IDENTIFICATION.

UH-HUH. WHAT'S THE SCHEDULE?

BIG HERO CELEBRATION TOMORROW NIGHT.

EVERYBODY WILL BE THERE HONORING THEIR TWO LAWMEN.

WE CAN WALK AWAY WITH EVERY DIME IN THIS TOWN.

THEY REALLY BOUGHT IT, HUH?

WELL, THEY THINK THEY'VE STRUCK OIL.

THIS IS JUST TOO EASY.

ANDY! ANDY, THEY'VE DONE IT! THEY'VE DONE IT!

DONE WHAT? THEY'VE MADE A LEGEND OUT OF US IN OUR OWN TIME!

THEY'VE WRITTEN A FOLK SONG ABOUT US!

"THE BALLAD OF ANDY AND BARNEY,

OR THE GANGSTERS' MISTAKE."

IF THAT AIN'T THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I --

OH, NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE NOW,

IT'S NOT TOO BAD -- TRY IT FROM THE TOP.

THE TUNE IS LIKE "FRANKIE AND JOHNNY."

WHAT FOOLISHNESS WILL THEY THINK OF NEXT?

GO 'HEAD.

* ANDY AND BARNEY WERE LAWMEN *

* BRAVEST YOU EVER DID SEE *

* WARNED EVERY CROOK IN THE RECORD BOOK *

* TO STAY OUT OF MAYBERRY *

* THEY WERE THE LAW *

* YES, THEY WERE THE LAW *

* AND THEY DIDN'T KNOW FEAR

THROW THAT THING IN THE TRASH.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, ANDY, IT GETS BETTER

IN THE SECOND VERSE -- LISTEN TO THIS --

* PRETTY BOY FLOYD COME A-RIDING *

* DILLINGER, TOO, BIG AS LIFE *

* THEY WEREN'T ALONE -- THERE WAS AL CAPONE *

* AND IN BACK OF MACK THE KNIFE *

* THEY RODE --

BARNEY, BARNEY, BARNEY, BARNEY, HOLD IT!

WHAT'S THE MATTER?

WHO EVER WROTE THAT DID IT FOR A JOKE!

I DID NOT!

YOU WROTE IT?

WELL, ANDY, THE WAY I FIGURE,

WHY TAKE A CHANCE ON BECOMING A LEGEND?

THIS WAY WE'RE SURE!

BARNEY, I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T EVEN LIKE FOLK SONGS.

OH, ANDY, LIKE YOU SAID YOURSELF,

IF SOMEBODY DOES SOMETHING BRAVE,

WHY NOT SING ABOUT IT?

WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING!

OH, NO?

WE'RE ONLY BEING HONORED BY THE FBI IS ALL.

BARNEY, THAT'S FOR THE TOWN!

YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW TO WEAR

THE MANTLE OF POPULARITY, DO YOU?

BARNEY.

RIGHT THIS WAY, FOLKS, THAT'S IT,

TRY TO KEEP TOGETHER THERE, THAT'S IT, FINE --

YES, NO STRAGGLERS, NOW -- JUST COME AROUND HERE.

THAT'S IT.

FLOYD, WHAT'S GOING ON?

FOLKS, ARE YOU EVER IN LUCK.

BOTH OF OUR FAMOUS PEACE OFFICERS ARE ON DUTY.

NOW, THIS BIG FELLA HERE IS SHERIFF ANDY TAYLOR.

HE'S BETTER KNOWN AS "DEADEYE" ANDY.

HE IS PROBABLY THE GREATEST LAWMAN SINCE WYATT EARP

AND THAT LITTLE WIRY FELLA WEARING THAT BIG...

THAT IS DEPUTY BARNEY FIFE.

FLOYD, COULD I SEE YOU OUTSIDE FOR A MINUTE?

UH-OH. WHEN SHERIFF TAYLOR ASKS YOU TO STEP OUTSIDE

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

THAT USUALLY A GUN DUEL ON MAIN STREET.

HOWEVER, HE DOESN'T SHOOT HIS FRIENDS--

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY'RE UNARMED.

SO, I... I GUESS MAYBE I'LL BE, UH... COMING BACK.

EXCUSE US.

EXCUSE US.

WELL, FRIENDS, AS MR. LAWSON TOLD YOU

I'M DEPUTY SHERIFF BARNEY FIFE --

ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE A NICKNAME

I'VE BEEN STUCK WITH AND CAN'T SEEM TO LOSE.

IT'S "FAST GUN" FIFE.

I NOTICED SOME OF YOU WERE STARING AT THIS GUN.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU GOT THEM OFF THE NEW ORLEANS BUS?

IT MADE A REST STOP.

ALL I DID WAS ASK IF THEY WANTED TO SEE A FAMOUS LANDMARK

AND A COUPLE OF LEGENDARY CHARACTERS.

FLOYD, YOU DRUG THOSE FOLKS IN THERE FOR NOTHING.

I DID NOT. I CHARGED THEM

TWO BITS APIECE.

NOW, THAT'S DOWNRIGHT DISHONEST.

WELL, THEY'RE GETTING THEIR MONEY'S WORTH.

FLOYD, YOU ALL ARE LETTING THIS THING GET WAY OUT OF HAND.

BESIDES, ANDY, THIS HAS ALL BEEN OFFICIALLY APPROVED

BY THE GREATER MAYBERRY HISTORICAL SOCIETY AND TOURIST BUREAU.

THEY'RE HAVING A MEETING RIGHT NOW IN THE MAYOR'S OFFICE.

AND YOUR AUNT BEE IS THE CHAIRWOMAN.

THE GREATER MAYBERRY HISTORICAL SOCIETY AND TOURIST BUREAU?

LIMITED. IT WILL BE WHEN I GET THROUGH WITH THEM.

All: AYE.

THEN THE MOTION HAS BEEN MADE AND CARRIED.

OUR SOUVENIR BOOKLETS WILL FEATURE

THE LIFE STORY OF ANDY AND BARNEY

COMPLETE WITH PICTURES.

GOOD, THAT WILL BRING IN REVENUE.

AND I TOOK THE LIBERTY

OF BRINGING ALONG THE FAMILY ALBUM.

THERE'S SOME DARLING PICTURES

OF ANDY GROWING UP.

OH, LET'S SEE.

WELL, NATURALLY, WE WON'T USE THAT ONE.

CAREFUL. DON'T TEAR IT.

I'LL NEVER GET HIM TO POSE LIKE THAT AGAIN.

LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE YOU GOT THERE.

OH, NOW THERE'S A GOOD ONE.

OH, THAT'S A DANDY.

SO LIFELIKE.

IT'S WONDERFUL.

OH, ANDY, YOU'RE HERE.

YES, MA'AM. NOW, JUST WHAT ARE YOU UP TO?

OH, NOW, ANDY, YOU JUST GET BACK TO WIPING OUT CRIME

AND MAKING MAYBERRY FAMOUS

AND LEAVE THE REST TO US.

WE'LL GET A LOT OF BUSINESS

FROM THE TOURISTS.

WELL, RIGHT NOW,

THE TOURISTS ARE GETTING THE BUSINESS FROM US.

THERE'S A WHOLE COVEY OF THEM DOWNSTAIRS

PAID TWO BITS A HEAD TO SEE OUR JAIL.

ONLY THERE AIN'T NOTHING TO SEE

BUT SOME EMPTY CELLS.

NOW, THIS IS DOWNRIGHT SILLY.

WHAT IN THE WORLD CAN BARNEY TELL THEM

ABOUT TWO EMPTY CELLS?

NOW, THESE ARE OUR MAXIMUM SECURITY CELLS.

FOLKS, THIS IS WHERE WE KEEP

OUR MOST INCORRIGIBLE PRISONERS.

THESE CELLS ARE ABSOLUTELY ESCAPE-PROOF.

NOW, I HAVE SOME COPIES HERE

I PRINTED UP MYSELF

THAT TELL THE STORY OF HOW WE STRUCK FEAR

INTO THE HEARTS OF SOME OF OUR MOST DANGEROUS GANGSTERS.

UH-UH. DO YOU SEE HOW WE'VE GOT THE CRIMINALS

AROUND HERE INTIMIDATED?

THE MINUTE THEY COMMIT A CRIME

THEY KNOW THAT CAPTURE IS INEVITABLE.

AND THEY JUST COME IN AND LOCK THEMSELVES UP.

BACK, YOU SAVAGE KILLER! BACK!

YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AM A KILLER.

I JUST KILLED A WHOLE PINT.

THAT'S THE END OF THE TOUR, FOLKS.

HOW'D IT GO?

FABULOUS. THE ONLY THING, I ALMOST BROKE UP

WHEN I GOT A LOOK AT THAT BANK VAULT.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN

OLD? I'LL BET SHERMAN CRACKED IT

ON HIS MARCH TO THE SEA.

YOU MAY NOT HAVE TO USE A TORCH.

FRED, I'VE HAD BEER CANS GIVE ME MORE TROUBLE

THAN THAT THING WILL -- FIVE MINUTES...

WELL, SHERIFF TAYLOR, GOOD TO SEE YOU.

MR. LAYTON, MR. JENKINS.

EVERYBODY TREATIN' YOU ALL RIGHT?

YEAH. YOU BET.

I GUESS THE TOWN'S ALL READY

FOR THE BIG CELEBRATION TONIGHT.

SURE DO WISH YOU FELLAS HADN'T PICKED ON MAYBERRY.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

AS THE MOST CRIME-FREE COMMUNITY.

OH, YEAH. YOU DESERVE IT. WELL...

SAY, HOW ABOUT A PICTURE OF YOU TWO?

YOU KNOW, THE F.B.I. SHAKING HANDS WITH THE SHERIFF?

WELL, I'D BE PROUD IF MR. JENKINS DON'T MIND.

NO, NOT AT ALL.

WOULD YOU STEP OVER THERE, PLEASE?

IS RIGHT HERE ALL RIGHT?

YOU SURE IT'S NOT PUTTIN' YOU OUT?

NOT A BIT.

SHAKE HANDS, PLEASE. THAT'S RIGHT.

WAIT WHILE I GET A LITTLE FOCUS HERE.

LET'S HAVE A SMILE.

READY? GO.

THERE WE ARE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WELL, MUCH OBLIGED.

I ENJOYED THAT.

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME

I GOT LITTLE DUTIES TO ATTEND TO.

YOU GO RIGHT AHEAD.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

HERE'S THE TIMETABLE FOR TONIGHT.

SOON AS I START MY SPEECH, YOU CAN SLIP AWAY.

I'LL SPEAK FOR 15 MINUTES.

THEN I'LL MAKE MY PRESENTATION TO THE MAYOR.

AND THEN I'LL GIVE THE MEDALS TO OUR TWO HEROES...

WELL, THANK YOU,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF OUR FAIR CITY.

THIS IS INDEED A MEMORABLE DAY FOR MAYBERRY.

AS YOU HAVE PROBABLY HEARD BY NOW

WE ARE ACCREDITED WITH HAVING THE LEAST CRIME ACTIVITY

OF ANY CITY OUR SIZE IN AMERICA.

THANK YOU.

NOW, NATURALLY, WE'RE JUSTLY PROUD OF THIS RECORD

AND TO SPEAK TO US FURTHER ON THIS SUBJECT

IS A VERY DISTINGUISHED GENTLEMAN FROM THE F.B.I.

MR. FRED JENKINS!

MR. JENKINS.

MAYOR PIKE, DISTINGUISHED GUESTS

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

ORGANIZED CRIME FEARS THE BRAVE, THE HONEST,

THE INCORRUPTIBLE LAWMAN.

AND THAT IS WHAT YOU HAVE HERE

IN YOUR FAIR COMMUNITY OF MAYBERRY.

YES, MY FRIENDS

YOU HAVE MUCH TO BE PROUD OF

IN THOSE TWO SPLENDID EXAMPLES

OF AMERICAN MANHOOD.

AND I SAY TO YOU THAT NO CRIMINAL ORGANIZATION

NO MATTER HOW POWERFUL, NO MATTER HOW RUTHLESS

NO MATTER HOW FAR IT MAY REACH

CAN STAND UP AGAINST THE FEARLESS

THE DEVOTED, THE DEDICATED PEACE OFFICER.

WE DEFY THE MAFIA!

WELL, COME IN, MR. LAYTON.

COME ON IN.

AND CONGRATULATIONS.

YOU'VE BEEN ABLE TO DO IN 15 MINUTES

WHAT THIS TOWN'S BEEN TRYING

TO DO FOR THE PAST 15 YEARS.

WHAT'S THAT?

OPEN THE DOOR TO THIS VAULT.

SEE, THE COMBINATION WAS LOST

AND THE COMPANY THAT BUILT IT

WENT OUT OF BUSINESS.

AND WE'D JUST ABOUT GIVE UP HOPE

OF EVER GETTIN' HER OPEN.

BUT IF... IF...

HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

OH, I COME IN THE BACK DOOR.

SEE, WE CUT THAT IN WHEN WE FOUND OUT

WE COULDN'T COME IN ANY OTHER WAY.

COME ON.

OH, NOW, CHEER UP, BARNEY.

I WAS JUST LUCKY, IS ALL.

IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN IN MY SHOES

YOU'D HAVE SEEN THROUGH 'EM

JUST THE SAME AS I DID.

YOU THINK SO?

WELL, SURE! YOU KNOW AS WELL AS I DO

THAT SPECIAL AGENTS FOR THE F.B.I.

DON'T ALLOW THEIR PICTURES TO BE TOOK.

WELL, YEAH. SURE.

RIGHT THIS WAY, FOLKS.

HEY, SHAPE UP, BARNEY.

HERE COMES ANOTHER TOUR.

STEP RIGHT IN, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

I'M DEPUTY SHERIFF FIFE

AND THIS IS SHERIFF ANDY TAYLOR.

NOW, THESE OVER HERE

ARE OUR MAXIMUM SECURITY CELLS.

IN THESE CELLS, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

WE KEEP OUR MOST INCORRIGIBLE PRISONERS.

THEY WERE CAPTURED ONLY LAST NIGHT

AFTER ONE OF THE MOST BRILLIANT PIECES OF DETECTIVE WORK

IN THE HISTORY OF CRIME DETECTION.

* IN A JAILHOUSE, DOWN IN DIXIE *

* FIGHTIN' CRIME AND RISKIN' LIFE *

* DWELLED A SHERIFF AND HIS BUDDY *

* PISTOL-PACKING BARNEY FIFE *

* OH, MY DARIN', OH, MY DARIN' *

* OH, MY DARIN' BARNEY FIFE

* HE'S A DEADLY CRIMESTOPPER *

* WHAT A COPPER, BARNEY FIFE *

* THEN ONE DAY THERE COME A RIDING *

* TWO BAD MEN TO ROB A BANK *

* BUT FIFE WAS TRICKY, A DEAD-EYE DICKY *

* NOW THEY'RE LOCKED-UP IN THE TANK *

* OH, MY BARNEY, OH, MY BARNEY *

* HAD A JAIL AND COULDN'T LOCK IT *

* HAD ONE BULLET FOR HIS PISTOL *

* HAD TO KEEP IT IN HIS POCKET **