Original subtitles

(whistling sprightly tune)

Starring Andy Griffith...

with Ronny Howard.

Also sfam‘ng Don Knotrs.

ALL: I I was seeing Nellie home I

J' l was seeing Nellie home J‘

I It was from Aunt Dinah's quilting party I

J' l was seeing Nellie home I

J' In the sky‘ the bright stars glittered J‘

J‘ On the banks, the pale moon shone I

I It was from Aunt Dinah's quilting party I

J' l was seeing Nellie home I

J' l was seeing Nellie home J‘

J' l was seeing Nellie home I

I It was from Aunt Dinah's quilting party I

I l was seeing I

I Nellie home. I

(laughter)

Oh, that was extra good,

We ought to sing together more often,

| tell you the truth.

Would you mind settin' it over there, Ellie?

I love to sing alongside Barney,

You‘re just sayin’ that.

Oh, I think you got a real fan there, Eamey.

BARN EY: Think so?

Yeah, boy.

How about some more cake, Andy?

No, thank you. I've had enough.

How about you two?

Well, I believe I could...

Oh, I think they've had enough, too.

Right, uh, right, gang?

Oh. right.

(laughing)

(talking quietly)

(giggling)

What's that?

Power tailure.

Been happening a lot lately.

It only lasts about a minute.

It's all right by me.

I think it’s more romantic. don’t you, Ellie?

(giggling): Andy.

Nice goin'. Casanova.

So, they put this powder on, see,

and that raises the fingerprint.

Well‘ once you got a fingerprint.

why‘ you just send her along to the good ol' FBI

and that criminal‘s as good as a goner.

Well, uh, here we are.

It‘s been a very...

educational walk home.

Oh, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

Well...

Well, what?

Well, uh...

Good night, Thelma Lou.

Good night.

Thelma Lou?

Yes, Barney?

Next time, I’ll tell you all about the assembly

and the oiling of a (SB-caliber revolver, okay?

Okay.

|-|‘|| see ya.

Your move, Paw.

I know it is.

I'm just formulatin' my plan of attack...

and I believe I've got her.

Sure you wanna move there, Paw? I can jump ya.

Go right ahead. You'll fall in with my plans.

Okay. |jump.,, here.

Now watch this.

I ain't finished, Paw.

I also jump here, here, here, here, and here.

Got any plans now, Paw?

Yeah, I got plans to quit playin' with you.

You‘re a riverboat sharpie is what you are.

ANDY: Well, good mornin’ to ya, Deputy Fife.

You look mighty bright and bushy-tailed.

Uh, did you, uh, do all right last night?

What are you talkin' about,

did I do all right?

Well, you know, when you walked, uh,

Thelma Lou home, uh... what happened?

Well, what do you mean, "What happened?"

We got there.

Yeah, but alter you got there

and you said good night at the door... did you, uh,..?

(kissing)

Andy, the boy.

Huh?

Oh. Oh, yeah.

Um, Opie, why don't you run on out and plajfl

You tryin‘ to get rid of me, Paw?

Well, uh...

yeah, lguess that's about the size of it.

Okay. I'll go.

Gee whiz, you'd think

I never heard about kissin' before.

(door closes)

Now-now tell, now tell me.

Did-did you get a little kissy?

(clears throat)

No, I didn‘t.

You didn't?

No, I didn‘t.

Didn't? Well, why not?

Well, Idon't know, Andy.

Well, I can't help it.

When I'm alone with her, l-l just freeze up,

I don't know what to say or what to do.

Well, haven’t you seen enough Rock Hudson movies

to know how to sweet-talk a girl?

You better tell that girl how you feel about her.

If you don't, you're gonna lose her.

Girls like to hear things like that.

Well, I know.

Well, there's plenty of things I can think of

to say when I'm alone-- things she‘d like to hear.

-Oh, you can? -Sure.

Like what?

Well, Andy, see...

that‘s where it gets tough,

Now, I usually think of these things

when I'm shavin‘ or soakin' my feet at night.

Yeah. Well-well, play like you're soakin' your feet now

and tell me some of the things you say.

Come on.

Well, uh... lsay, uh

I say, Thelma Lou...

uh, I like you, Thelma Lou.

I like ya a lot.

You‘re the cat's.

|-| never said them three words

to a girl before, Thelma Lou, but...

but I mean it.

You‘re the cat's.

|-| think about ya all the time.

Sometimes at breakfast, I stare down at my eggs

and | see your face right in there.

Well, there's.,. there's nothin' I'd like better

than to have you as my steady girl, Thelma Lou

because.,. well... like I said...

you're the cat‘s.

Well, that's beautiful, Barney,

I mean it.

There‘s not a girl in the world

that wouldn't like to hear

things like that said to her.

And do you know why?

Because you‘re sincere.

Well...

Now, I mean it.

Now, why can‘t you say them things to Thelma Lou?

Oh, I just can't.

Well, what do you want, somebody to say ’em for ya?

That wouldn’t be a bad idea.

Barney, I declare, ljust don't understand you.

You said 'em all fine right there.

How come you can‘t say the same thing to Thelma Lou?

Well, I guess the trouble is I can...

I can only say 'em to a fade like yours,

Character.

Barney said that...

about me?

He sure did.

He said, "You're the cat's."

Now that‘s a direct quote.

Well, why can't he tell me himself?

Oh, well, Barney just can't bring himself to.

Golly, some fellas can speak right up to their girls

and some can‘t.

So he sent you over here to talk for him.

So you'd play John Alden.

Ooh, nooo!

If he had any idea I was over here,

he‘d be madder than a homet.

| just thought

that you ought to know how he feels about you.

Well, that‘s nice of you, Andy,

but I‘d still like to hear it from the horse's mouth.

Well, you ain‘t exactly got a talking horse here.

You do like Barney, don't you?

Oh, of course I do.

There‘s no one else.

Well, he sure does like you.

Oh, I wish I could hear it from his own thin lips.

Well...

I don't know how you'll ever get it out of that boy.

Well, I don't, either, Andy

but there ought to be some way

to provoke him into speaking up,

You just remember one thing.

He thinks you're the cat's.

I'll see you.

Sarah?

4-3-1, please.

Barnejfl This is Thelma Lou.

Barney, guess who just came calling on me.

All right. Put 'em up.

What?

You heard me. Put 'em up.

What's the matter with you?

What‘s the matter with me?

Do you deny calling on my girl?

Oh. Well, uh, Barney, uh...

Well, come on. Out with R!

Do you deny it?

Well, uh, yeah, I called on Thelma Lou.

0h!

How could you do it?!

How could you try to steal my girl?

How?

Well, well, now, Barney,

this may be hard for you to believe,

Now, lcalled on Thelma Lou

but I called on her in your behalf.

Oh, sure.

Well, I did! lthought that she ought to hear

some of the things that you can‘t bring yourself to say.

and l was just trying to help.

Now, you’ve got to believe me.

I didn‘t try to steal your girl.

Oh, no?

Well, then how come when | asked her

for Saturday night, she turned me down

and she said the same thing

for the next Saturday night

and the Saturday after that and the Saturday after that!

She said she was holding them all open for youl

She did?

Yes, she did.

Well, uh...

0h. .

(laughs)

Don't you get it?

Oh, no, no, Andy.

Don't try to laugh your way out of this.

That's where you cheapen yourself.

Well, Barney...

How would you like it if I tried to steal Ellie away from you?

Well...

Oh, you don't think I can, do you?

Well, that's not

the point.

Pointl Well, lcan,

and the funny part is, you're the one that showed me how.

All I got to do is sweet-talk her,

and I‘ve seen just enough Rock Hudson pictures

-to know how to do that. -Barney..,

Oh, this is the oldest game in the world—

stealing your best friend‘s girl.

Well, four can play at this game, buddy.

You just watch me.

Hello, Sarah?

Get me Floyd's barber shop.

You won't listen, will you?

I'm just trying...

(humming "Beautiful Dreamer")

(humming continues)

Hello, Floyd?

This is Barney Fife.

Who's in the chair?

Well, get rid of 'em.

I‘m coming over and I‘m ready for action.

That's right. I want the works:

shave, haircut, witch hazel, eau de cologne, toilet water...

If it smells, I want it.

(bell jangles)

I‘ll be right outl I'm in the back!

Hello, there.

Oh, hi, Barney,

(laughing)

What did you do to your hair?

What do you mean?

Well, I've never seen it quite that way before.

Like it?

What have you got on you?

Kinda... gets to you, don't it?

Okay, Barney, what'll it be?

Does it have to...

be anything?

Well, no. No.

You can sit down ifyou like.

I just have this prescription to finish.

You know the light in here

does crazy things to your hair,

What?

Oh, why pretend?

I like you, Ellie.

You're my kind of woman.

What?!

Let‘s not try to fight it... baby.

Barney Fife, have you been drinking?

Oh, baby...

Oh, now, stop.

I haven't time for this nonsense.

Now, stop acting like a juvenile.

| feel sorry for you, baby.

You had your chance to fly with me

but you wasn't woman enough.

Now the balloon's gone up without you.

I knew I should've called you and warned you,

but I just didn't think he'd go through with it.

Well, it looks like we got us

the eternal quadrangle, don't it?

You certainly helped matters

with that call on Thelma Lou.

Well, dad-burn it,

I still think l was doing the right thing.

She's just using that to make Barney jealous.

Uh-oh.

What's the matter?

Here comes Thelma Lou.

You better have a talk with her.

I figure to.

Hi, Andy.

Hello, Ellie.

AN DY: Thelma Lou.

Thelma Lcu, I want to ask you something,

How come you told Barney I called on you?

Well, you didn't want

to keep it a secret, did you?

How would that look?

Well, itjust seems like Barney‘s misunderstood

the nature of that visit

and it also seems like that you might be the one

encouraging that misunderstanding.

Now, am I right?

Why. Andy. all I did was...

(door opening)

Uh, well...

I'd better be going.

Bye, all.

Bye, Andy.

Did you hear that? "Bye, Andy. "

That was for your benefit.

Can't you see what she‘s doing?

Oh, no, no, don't.

There‘s no point

in playing out this farce any longer.

What?!

Oh, I think you betterjust get yourself another deputy.

I'll just step out of the picture.

That poor, sorrowful fella.

He actually believes you've stolen her away from him.

Lord, Iwished I hadn't have never got into this.

Oh, I was just amazed

when he walked in playing Casanova,

Oh, Barney's different.

You just call his bluff

maybe wink at him a couple of times

and I guarantee you

he‘d run like a scared rabbit.

Say, that's not a bad idea.

What?

Supposing I do make the rabbit run.

Maybe you could work the same trick

on your little bunny.

Thelma Lou?

Oh, you mean maybe

if we get both our rabbits to run

why, maybe theyd run right into one another.

Mightjust.

Well, Ellie, may I say, behind that pretty face,

you got a awful handsome brain.

Why, Andy.

Hello, Thelma Lou.

Could I, uh, talk with you for a spell?

Of course you can. Come on in.

Wouldn‘t the porch swing

be a little more, uh... com

Yes, I guess it would.

Say, lovely day, isn't it?

Mm-hmm.

Uh... what was it you wanted to say, Andy?

Can't you... guess?

No.

It's about yesterday.

I‘ve been doing a lot of thinking

and you know what?

We can no more stop the fates

than we can the ocean's tide

or the sun and the moon.

What?

Oh, I know

when I came to call yesterday

I came to speak for someone else.

Yes?

And then

fickle fate took over.

What do you mean?

Oh, I've tried.

I've tried... but I can't fight it.

Thelma Lou...

you and me are star»crossed.

Andy!

Oh, I know I said a lot about speaking for Barney

but that was a pretense.

I wanted to speak for me, but I didn't dare.

Well, now, I do dare.

I am speaking for me.

Thelma Lou, I want you for my own.

You call for me, Ellie?

Oh, that's right, Barney.

This is probably my last official act

as peace officer in Mayberry.

What's the trouble: Vandalism? Disturbing the peace?

Being my last, I hope it's a goody.

Come on in the back.

It's not an official call, Barney.

Huh?

You can put that away.

I just wanted to see you about, uh, yesterday--

the things you said.

Oh... them.

Well, I‘m sorry.

Oh, don't be. Say them again.

Huh?

Please?

Uh, well, yeah...

but when I said 'em yesterday,

you said I was being juvenile.

Oh, I was wrong.

It was I who was a juvenile;

a frightened little girl.

Uh... frightened?

Afraid to accept the dream that was offered to me.

But now it‘s different?

As different as night and day.

Yesterday, you were Barney Fife,

just a good friend.

But today, I realize you're not just a friend.

N-n-n-not a friend?

No.

You're the man I want

and with your hair the way 't was yesterday.

N—n-now, now, now, now, now, now, now...

Andy, why don't you think this over?

Take a little time.

Love don't hold a stopwatch.

Somewhere, somehow,

someone wanted us to be together.

What for?

You did?!

Yes, and I‘ll do it again.

Andy Taylor!

Ellie Walker!

Oh!

Really, Ellie? He did?

(laughs) Huh?

Oh, I wish you could've seen her get up off of that swing

and mn in that house and slam that door!

Uh, yeah...

(quietly): I'll, uh... I'll talk to you later.

Here comes Barney.

0h, howdy. Howdy there, Barney.

Golly. You look all shook up.

Where you been?

Andy?

Huh?

Uh, I don‘t know how to tell you this, but...

well, you're my friend

and... you've got a right to know.

Know about what?

It's about Ellie.

Ellie?

You better sit back, pal.

This could be ajolt.

(clears throat): Well, now, uh...

I guess that you... you figure that

Ellie's kind of... kind of sweet on you.

But, uh... well, uh...

I got to tell you

that it-it-it just ain't so.

No?

I'vejust come from her arms.

You...?

I'm sorry, Andy,

but you just got to face the fact that...

well. I‘m the one she's sweet on.

Oh, l-l know I ought to be happy.

I got back at you

and stole your girl away from you

but, well, somehow it just don't make me happy.

It‘s a hollow victory.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I‘m sorry for this whole ugly mess.

Barney.. .

He‘s in there.

I don't want to see him.

It‘s you I want.

Y—you want me?

(quiet laugh)

Well, you're-you're the second one today.

Barney, something happened a while ago

that»that brought me to my senses.

Yeah?

Barney, now... now don't be angry,

but I made up that whole thing with Andy

just to get you jealous.

You-you did?

Whether you sweet-talk me or not, Barney,

it's you I want.

(quiet laugh)

(clears throat): Well, you know...

it's, uh, it's funny that you should say that.

It is?

Yeah. Because, well...

something happened to me, too, a little while ago. ..

something that I... I thought I wanted to happen,

but, well, when it happened, why...

nothing happened.

Nothing?

No. lt-it come to me then that. ..

Well, you're... you're the only gin for me.

Oh, Barney...

Poor old Andy.

Well... some of us got it, some of us ain't.

Ellie?

Looks like we did it.

Yeah. Romeo and Juliet just walked off arm in arm.

I Oh, little Liza, little Liza Jane I

I Oh, little Liza, little Liza Jane I

I Well, oh, little Liza, little Liza Jane I

I Oh, I'fitle Liza, little Liza Jane. I

Extra good! I love them fast 'un's like that.

I think I'm going to get us a snack.

Oh! Good idea!

Good idea, Ellie!

Yeah, a little snack would do us good right now.

A little snack never hurt nobody.

Whoo, yeah, boy! Mm!

Uh... don‘t you think

you better help Ellie in the kitchen?

Naw, she does very well by herself.

(laughing)

(clears throat)

(sighing): Ah, boy...

(smacks lips, sniffs)

Hmm?

Oh, uh...

let me, uh, let me give you a hand, Eleanor.

(clears throat)

Well, Thelma Lou, looks like you and me

are alone together at last.

(nervous laugh)

Hey, Barney, you want some pie?

Yeah. Pie's fine. I'll have pie.

(both laugh nervously)

(clears throat)

Well, where were we?

You want some cheese on your pie?

Uh, cheese is fine. A l'ttle cheese.

You want cream and sugar in your coffee?

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Cream and sugar and pie and cheese

and I'll get it myself!

(whistling sprightly tune)