Original subtitles

HERE'S OUR STOP. COME ON.

THIS TIME NEXT WEEK: CALIFORNIA.

YOU EXCITED?

UH-HUH.

ME, TOO. I CA♪♪T WAIT.

WERE YOU EVER THERE?

ONCE, FOR SIX WEEKS,

TOURING WITH SOME MUSICAL.

IN THE MIDDLE OF DECEMBER WE WENT SWIMMING.

WHICH MUSICAL?

WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU HOW BEAUTIFUL IT'S GOING TO BE.

WE'LL FIND A HOUSE IN THE HILLS.

NEAR THE MOVIE STUDIOS?

YES. YOUR WINDOW WILL FACE WARNER BROTHERS.

YOU CAN WATCH THEM BLOW UP THE WORLD FROM YOUR BED.

CAN YOU IMAGINE YOUR VERY OWN ORANGE TREE?

THE MUSICAL WAS FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.

I WAS 4 1/2.

YOU WERE NEVER 4 1/2.

YOU WERE BORN 26.

WILL I BE IN THE SAME GRADE?

OF COURSE.

EVERYTHING'S THE SAME THERE, ONLY IT'S THREE HOURS EARLIER.

YOU'LL GRADUATE YOUNGER.

A GIRL I KNOW FROM CALIFORNIA KNOWS HELEN REDDY'S DAUGHTER.

AFTER THIS PICTURE, THEY'LL SAY,

THERE GOES TONY DeFOREST'S DAUGHTER.

BUT HE'S NOT A STAR. HE'S JUST AN ACTOR.

STARS HAVE TO BE ACTORS FIRST.

HE'S NOT MY FATHER.

YOU'RE SUCH A STICKLER FOR DETAILS.

CAN I SHOW TONY MY THINGS?

LATER. YOU HAVE HOMEWORK.

WE'RE MOVING IN FOUR DAYS.

SUPPOSE BETWEEN NOW AND FRIDAY,

THEY TEACH BRAIN SURGERY.

WOULD♪♪T WANT YOU TO MISS IT.

WE HAD IT LAST WEEK IN SCIENCE.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

DUMB. YOU'RE DUMB.

I THOUGHT MAYBE IN FROG DISSECTION.

CAN I JUST SHOW HIM MY NEW SWEATER?

OH, ALRIGHT.

BUT WASH YOUR FACE AND BRUSH YOUR HAIR AND NO MAKE-UP.

TONY! SWEETHEART?

YOU IN THE BATHROOM?

HEY, WE CLEANED OUT ALEXANDER'S!

WE BOUGHT EVERYTHING ON SALE.

YOU BETTER LIKE IT BECAUSE WE CA♪♪T EXCHANGE IT.

I BOUGHT YOU A PRESENT.

BABE?

COME OUT AND SEE.

BABE?

TONY?

OH.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT HAPPENED?

HE'S...GONE.

HE LEFT WITHOUT US.

FOR CALIFORNIA?

FOR ITALY.

HUH? CAN I READ IT?

"DEAR PAULA, THIS IS♪♪T AN EASY LETTER TO WRITE."

IT DOES♪♪T START OFF TOO GOOD.

"WHERE IN THE HELL DO I BEGIN?

YOU AND THE KID MEAN A LOT TO ME."

THE KID?

"I TURNED DOWN THE JOB IN L.A. IT WAS A LOUSY TV PICTURE.

"ON MONDAY, STAN FIELDS CALLED.

"I GOT THE BERTO..

BERTOLUCCI.

"BERTOLUCCl PICTURE.

WHO'S BERTOLUCCI?

AN ITALIAN DIRECTOR.

WHAT DID HE DIRECT?

WHAT ARE YOU ASKING QUESTIONS LIKE THAT NOW FOR?

"IT'S SIX MONTHS' SHOOTING IN SPAIN AND ITALY.

"IT'S A HELL OF A PART, I WANT IT. I BROKE MY ASS--

AH! GIVE ME THAT.

ASS. HEARD THE WORD BEFORE.

"I BROKE MY ASS FOR 12 YEARS.

"THINGS ARE FINALLY BEGINNING TO BREAK FOR ME.

"I TOLD YOU WHEN WE FIRST MOVED IN HERE,

"THAT IT WAS NEVER GOING TO BE PERMANENT.

CHRIST. I'M NOT EVEN DIVORCED FROM PATTY YET."

WHO'S PATTY?

I TOLD YOU ABOUT HER.

NO, YOU DID♪♪T.

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU'D BE UPSET IF YOU KNEW

YOU WERE LIVING WITH A MARRIED MAN.

I WAS♪♪T. YOU WERE. I WAS IN THE NEXT ROOM.

WELL, THEY WERE PRACTICALLY DIVORCED.

"I LEFT EARLY TODAY BECAUSE I DID♪♪T WANT A GOOD-BYE SCENE.

THIS IS ONE OF THE WORST LETTERS I'VE EVER READ IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

IS♪♪T IT TERRIBLE?

OH!

"I WISH I HAD SOMETHING TO LEAVE YOU AND THE KID."

HE DID♪♪T LEAVE US ANYTHING?

NO.

"HAD TO SELL MY WATCH AND CAMERA TO PAY OFF THE LOAN SHARKS."

HE OWED MONEY TO SHARKS?

I'LL EXPLAIN IT SOME OTHER TIME.

"YOU'LL BE ALRIGHT. YOU CAN GO BACK TO DANCING."

DANCING? I'M 33. I CAN HARDLY WALK ANYMORE.

"I WISH BOTH OF US ALL THE LUCK IN THE WORLD. LOVE TO THE KID."

DO♪♪T READ ANY MORE.

THERE'S JUST ONE MORE WORD.

"TONY."

OH, THROW IT AWAY.

DOES THIS MEAN WE'RE NOT GOING TO CALIFORNIA?

YEAH.

THAT MEANS I HAVE TO DO MY HOMEWORK, RIGHT?

OH, LUCY.

AND 5 AND 6 AND 7 AND 8

AND 9,10,11,12,

13,14,15, 16.

1 AND 2, 3, AND 4 AND OVER.

2, 3, AND 4.

I SEE YOU, PAULA. YOU CA♪♪T HIDE FROM ME.

DOWN, UP, AND OVER.

[MOANING]

2, 3, 4. ONCE AGAIN.

MY GOD. WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOUR BODY?

IT DIED. HAVE A LITTLE RESPECT.

ONCE AGAIN. AND 1, 2, 3, AND COME ON, PAULA. PUSH.

2, 3, AND 4 AND..

PAULA?

DONNA.

DONNA DOUGLAS.

I WORKED WITH YOU IN COMPANY.

OH, YES. HELLO, DONNA.

TOUGH GETTING BACK INTO SHAPE, HUH?

IT'S BEEN TWO YEARS.

IT'S AMAZING HOW FLABBY YOU GET WHEN YOU'RE HAPPY.

HI, MRS. CROSBY.

YOU LEAVING TONIGHT?

WHAT WAS THAT?

WHEN ARE YOU VACATING?

WE'RE NOT GOING TO CALIFORNIA. I FORGOT TO TELL YOU.

I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE YOU FORGOT TO TELL.

THAT APARTMENT'S BEEN SUBLET.

WAIT A MINUTE!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT?

WE'RE PAID UP THROUGH JUNE. WE HAVE THREE MORE MONTHS.

YOU CA♪♪T SUBLET THAT APARTMENT.

I'M NOT. YOUR YOUNG MAN DID.

HE SUBLET OUR APARTMENT?

HE NOTIFIED ME LAST NIGHT.

HIS NAME WAS ON THE LEASE, HE COULD DO WHAT HE WANTS.

YOU LEAVE IT LIKE YOU FOUND IT.

I'M NOT LEAVING IT. I CLEANED AND PAINTED AND DECORATED IT.

IT'S MINE. I'M NOT GETTING OUT. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?

THAT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS, HONEY.

YOU CAN TAKE THAT UP WITH THE SUBLETEE.

I JUST DO♪♪T WANT NO TROUBLE IN MY BUILDING.

OH, THAT...BASTARD! THAT NO-GOOD BASTARD.

MM-HMM.

[THUNDER]

[PANTING]

[BUZZ]

WHO'S THAT?

[BUZZ]

I DO♪♪T KNOW.

MAYBE IT'S TONY. MAYBE HE CHANGED HIS MIND AND CAME BACK.

YOU'RE SO YOUNG.

[BUZZ]

STAY THERE.

[BUZZ]

WHO IS IT?

ELLIOT GARFIELD.

WHO?

ELLIOT GARFIELD FROM CHICAGO. IS TONY IN?

THERE'S NOBODY BY THAT NAME HERE.

WAIT A SECOND. WAIT A SECOND.

3-A. IT'S THE RIGHT APARTMENT. I WAS HERE ONCE TWO YEARS AGO.

I DO♪♪T CARE. THERE'S NO WHAT'S-HIS-NAME HERE.

COULD YOU OPEN THE DOOR FOR ONE SECOND?

NOT AT 12:05.

OH, JESUS. YOU GOT A LATCH. KEEP IT ON.

I'LL JUST TALK FOR ONE SECOND.

MAKE IT FAST. MY HUSBAND IS SLEEPING.

I THINK THERE'S BEEN SOME KINDA MISTAKE.

I SUBLET THIS APARTMENT FROM A FRIEND, TONY DeFOREST.

HE LIVES HERE.

THAT'LL BE NEWS TO MY HUSBAND CHARLIE.

I HAVE A RECEIPT FOR THREE MONTHS' RENT.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO ARRIVE TOMORROW,

BUT I CAME IN EARLY BECAUSE I'M STARTING WORK IN THE MORNING.

I FIGURED I COULD SPEND THE NIGHT HERE. SEE.

YOU LOOK CONFUSED. CAN I TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND?

HE'LL BE AT THE 37th PRECINCT AT 9 IN THE MORNING.

CHARLIE DAGASTINO, HOMICIDE. GOODNIGHT.

WHO WAS IT?

NEVER MIND.

DID♪♪T SOUND LIKE A "NEVER MIND" TO ME.

TONY RENTED THE APARTMENT TO SOMEONE,

BUT I'M NOT GIVING IT UP. IT'S OURS. GO TO SLEEP.

HE RENTED THE APARTMENT? WE HAVE TO LEAVE?

OVER MY DEAD BODY.

WHAT IF THEY FORCE US?

LET 'EM TRY. GO TO SLEEP.

HE RENTED THE APARTMENT. WHAT A SHITHEAD.

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[RING]

[RING]

HELLO.

IS TONY THERE PLEASE?

WHO'S CALLING?

I WAS JUST UP THERE.

I RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE, MRS. DAGASTINO.

MRS. WHO?

DAGASTINO.

HOW COME YOUR TELEPHONE ANSWERS TO TONY DeFOREST'S NUMBER?

AND HOW COME THE KEY HE SENT ME, AIR MAIL SPECIAL DELIVERY,

OPENS YOUR DOOR, HUH? HUH?

YOU WANT TO ANSWER THOSE QUESTIONS, MRS. DAGASTINO?

NO! WHY DO♪♪T YOU ANSWER THEM?

I THINK THE ANSWER IS SOMETHING FISHY IS GOING ON.

I'M WET AS A HERRING, WHATEVER YOUR NAME IS.

AND I DO♪♪T HAVE A PLACE TO SLEEP TONIGHT.

AND I DO♪♪T WANT TO BLOW MY LAST FEW BUCKS ON A HOTEL.

ACCORDING TO MY NONWATERPROOF WATCH, IT'S AT LEAST 12:20.

AND TECHNICALLY, THAT APARTMENT BELONGS TO ME.

DO I COME UP THERE NOW AND WE DISCUSS THIS AMICABLY

OR DO I STORM THE PLACE IN THE MORNING?

I'VE GOT A GUN. I'LL USE IT IF I HAVE TO.

CHANGE? GOT CHANGE FOR A DOLLAR?

I GOT A PREGNANT WIFE IN THE LOBBY! I JUST WANT CHA--

WE'RE IN TROUBLE, RIGHT?

WE'RE NOT IN TROUBLE.

WE HAVE OUR RIGHTS. POSSESSION IS 9/10ths OF LAW.

WHAT'S THE OTHER 10th?

SHUT UP.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

IS THAT THE LAST 10th?

GO TO BED. I WILL HANDLE THIS.

HELLO.

JUST CALLED THE 37th PRECINCT. THERE'S NO CHARLES DAGASTINO.

THEN I CALLED RITA SCOTT, AN OLD ACTRESS FRIEND OF MINE.

WHO WAS IN MERCHANT OF VENICE THIS YEAR WITH TONY DeFOREST.

RITA TOLD ME ALL ABOUT THIS GIRL TONY'S LIVING WITH.

A CERTAIN PAULA MCFADDEN AND HER TEN-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER, LUCY.

SHE ALSO TOLD ME THE APARTMENT IS LEASED TO TONY DeFOREST.

SHE KNOWS THIS FOR A FACT. SHE USED TO LIVE WITH HIM.

CAN WE CONTINUE THIS CONVERSATION IN A DRIER ROOM?

YOU GOT PROBLEMS? TAKE IT UP WITH THE HOUSING AUTHORITY.

DO♪♪T HANG UP! PLEASE. I DO♪♪T HAVE ANY MORE CHANGE.

I'M SOAKED, AND I HAVE A LOW THRESHOLD FOR DISEASE.

TONY'S GOT MY MONEY, AND I GOT A LEASE, YOU GOT THE APARTMENT.

NOW ONE OF US GOT SCREWED. UH, LET ME REPHRASE THAT.

WE HAVE TO TALK THIS OUT.

I'M IN NO CONDITION, FINANCIAL OR HEALTHWISE,

TO LOOK FOR A HOTEL IN THE RAIN.

IF THERE'S ANYTHING LIKE THE 78th-STREET FLU, I'VE GOT IT.

TAKE A SHOT IN A CONVENIENT PLACE.

FIVE MINUTES! THAT'S ALL I'M ASKING. WHAT IS IT?

IN ABOUT 30 SECONDS, WE'RE GOING TO GET CUT OFF.

MY NUMBER IS 873-5261.

IT'S A FLOODED BOOTH ON AMSTERDAM AVENUE.

IF YOU HAVE ANY COMPASSION IN YOUR HEART WHATSOEVER--

I'M TRYING TO WORK IT OUT, OPERATOR!

CALL ME BACK. 873-5261.

THAT NUMBER AGAIN-- OH, SHIT!

[RING]

HELLO. THANK YOU.

FIVE MINUTES. LEAVE YOUR BAGS.

THIS IS♪♪T A PERMANENT CONVERSATION.

I'M DRIPPING ON YOUR RUG.

IT'S BEEN DRIPPED ON BEFORE.

I'M SORRY' BOUT THIS. I DID♪♪T KNOW THERE WERE COMPLICATIONS.

THERE'S A LOT OF THAT AROUND.

I DO♪♪T BLAME YOU FOR BEING HOSTILE, I GET THE PICTURE.

TONY RENTED ME THE APARTMENT AND SPLIT.

THEN YOU AND YOUR DAUGHTER GOT DUMPED ON.

YOUR VERSION. MY VERSION IS WE AMICABLY ENDED OUR RELATIONSHIP.

WE AGREED I WOULD KEEP THE APARTMENT.

YOU AND YOUR $600 GOT DUMPED ON. GET THE PICTURE.

VERY SHARP. SHARP. YOU'RE A SHARP NEW YORK GIRL, RIGHT?

NO, A DULL CINCINNATI KID.

BUT YOU GET DUMPED ON ENOUGH, YOU DEVELOP AN EDGE.

OKAY. SO WHAT'S THE DEAL? I GOT A LEASE HERE IN MY POCKET.

YOU GOING TO HONOR IT?

I GOT A DAUGHTER IN MY BED THAT TOPS A LEASE.

I DO♪♪T WANT TO GET LEGAL. LEGAL HAPPENS TO BE ON MY SIDE.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE A LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE DOWNTOWN.

ALL I GOTTA DO IS CALL HIM.

OH!

WOAH, WOAH. WHAT?

AN ACTOR...ANOTHER GODDAMN ACTOR.

"I HAPPEN TO HAVE A LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE?"

RIGHT OUT OF STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE.

STANLEY KOWALSKI IN SUMMER STOCK. RIGHT?

WRONG. CHICAGO IN WINTER. 3 1/2 MONTHS AT DRURY LANE THEATER.

ASK AN ACTOR A QUESTION, HE GIVES YOU HIS CREDITS.

WANNA HEAR REVIEWS, "ELLIOT GARFIELD BRINGS TO KOWALSKI

DIMENSIONS THAT EVEN BRANDO HAD NOT INVESTIGATED."

TERRIFIC, YOU WRITE BEAUTIFULLY.

ARE♪♪T YOU TOO SHORT TO PLAY STANLEY?

NOBODY NOTICED I STOOD ON THE POKER TABLE. ARE YOU A CRITIC?

NO, I LOVE ACTORS. AS LONG AS THEY STAY ON STAGE.

PUT THEM IN REAL LIFE, AND THE WORLD GETS SCREWED UP.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.

I AM NOT GETTING KICKED OUT OF THE SAME LOUSY APARTMENT TWICE.

YOU WANT YOUR MONEY BACK, GO TO NAPLES.

YOU WANT THIS APARTMENT, BUY ME TWO TICKETS TO CALIFORNIA.

I'LL GIVE TWO MINUTES TO THINK IT OVER

BEFORE I YELL RAPE.

YOU ARE REALLY SOMETHING, YOU KNOW THAT.

I'M SURPRISED TONY DID♪♪T TAKE A JOB IN PHILIPPINES.

I HOPE YOU ARE THINKING 'CAUSE IAM COUNTING.

WAIT A SECOND. HOLD IT. CAN WE MAKE A DEAL?

WHAT KIND OF DEAL?

DO♪♪T KNOW. CAN I HAVE A CUP OF COFFEE?

NO.

OH, DO♪♪T BE BASHFUL.

OKAY. ALRIGHT. HERE IS THE SITUATION.

I KNOW THE SITUATION.

LET ME JUST SAY IT.

NUMBER ONE, I HAVE A JOB OFF-BROADWAY, NO PLACE TO SLEEP.

NUMBER TWO. YOU DO♪♪T HAVE MONEY. BUT YOU GOT MY APARTMENT.

YOU HAVE A DAUGHTER TO THINK ABOUT. I AM THINKING OF HER.

DO ME THE COURTESY OF HEARING ME OUT. PLEASE.

YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN SCREAM RAPE, YOU KNOW.

WE ARE BOTH IN A BIND. THE TWO OF US.

THE ONLY PRACTICAL SOLUTION IS WE SHARE THE APARTMENT.

I ACCEPT.

WHAT?

I ACCEPT. I MAY BE STUBBORN BUT I'M NOT STUPID.

MEAN IT?

MY DAUGHTER GOES TO SCHOOL.

I HAVE TO LOOK FOR A JOB. YOU HAVE A KEY.

I WOULD HAVE TO STAND GUARD ALL DAY LONG TO KEEP YOU OUT.

I ACCEPT. YOU WIN. YOU GET THE SMALL BEDROOM.

WHAT THE HELL AM I GETTING MYSELF INTO?

I'M IN THE WRONG ROOM.

HI. I'M ELLIOT.

HELLO.

YOU MUST BE LUCY.

THAT'S RIGHT.

ELLIOT GARFIELD. I'M MOVING INTO THE OTHER ROOM.

I'M A FRIEND OF TONY'S. YOU KNOW, TONY DeFOREST.

THAT'S NICE.

I'M AN ACTOR, TOO.

YEAH?

WELL, YOUR MOTHER KNOWS.

I SEE.

WELL...GUESS I'LL BE SEEING YOU AROUND.

I GUESS SO.

TOODLE-OO.

GOODNIGHT.

JESUS.

I JUST MET LUCY.

WHAT DID YOU TELL HER?

THAT I WAS MOVING INTO THE OTHER ROOM.

SHE SEEMED TO TAKE IT IN STRIDE.

YOU GROW UP FAST IN THIS APARTMENT.

THE JOHN IS RIGHT OVER THERE.

I'LL GET THE REST OF HER THINGS OUT IN THE MORNING.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO STOP GRINDING YOUR TEETH?

THE NOISE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY.

A DRIPPING STRANGER FROM CHICAGO

WITH A WET BEARD AND DIRTY SHOES MOVES INTO MY DAUGHTER'S ROOM,

AND YOU EXPECT SMILES?

I THINK YOU'RE DYNAMITE.

I LOVE LISTENING TO YOU TALK. I HATE LIVING WITH YOU,

YOUR CONVERSATION IS FIRST-CLASS.

THIS IS YOUR ROOM. I DO NOT CLEAN OR MAKE BEDS.

USE THE KITCHEN OR THE BATHROOM WHEN I AM NOT IN IT.

WASH IT UP WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH.

YOU PAY FOR YOUR FOOD, LAUNDRY, LINENS, AND PHONE BILLS.

I WOULD APPRECIATE SOME QUIET BETWEEN 6:00 AND 9:00.

AS THAT IS WHEN LUCY DOES HER HOMEWORK.

DO♪♪T SMOKE GRASS IN FRONT OF MY 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

DO WE HAVE EVERYTHING STRAIGHT?

NO.

NO?

NO.

I'M NOT CRAZY ABOUT THE ARRANGEMENTS.

YOU'RE NOT?

I'M PAYING THE RENT.

I MAKE THE RULES.

I DO♪♪T LIKE PANTIES DRYING ON THE ROD.

I WILL USE THE KITCHEN WHENEVER I DAMN WELL PLEASE.

AND I AM VERY PARTICULAR ABOUT MY CONDIMENTS.

I PLAY THE GUITAR DURING THE NIGHT WHENEVER I CANNOT SLEEP.

AND I MEDITATE EVERY MORNING. COMPLETE WITH CHANTING.

IF YOU'VE GOT TO WALK AROUND, I'D APPRECIATE TIPTOEING.

ALSO I SLEEP IN THE NUDE,

WINTER AND SUMMER, RAIN OR SNOW, WITH THE WINDOWS OPEN.

AND BECAUSE I MAY GO TO THE POTTY OR TO THE FRIDGE

DURING THE NIGHT, AND I DO♪♪T WANT TO PUT ON JAMMIES

UNLESS YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A QUICK THRILL,

I WOULD KEEP MY DOOR CLOSED.

THEM'S MY RULES AND REGULATIONS. HOW DOES THAT GRAB YOU.

IF I SAY NO?

I GOT THIS LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE.

I ACCEPT. I DO♪♪T LIKE IT. I DO♪♪T LIKE YOU.

BECAUSE I'M AN ACTOR?

COUPLED WITH YOUR PERSONALITY.

ONE OF GOD'S LITTLE JESTS.

IF YOU'LL MOVE YOUR SHAPELY FANNY OUT OF MY ROOM,

I WILL UNPACK AND DRY MY BEARD.

YOU FORGOT TO SAY GOODNIGHT.

I WAS WORKING ON GOODBYE.

UNBELIEVABLE.

HOW LONG IS HE GONNA STAY?

AS LONG AS HE LETS US.

GO TO THE BATHROOM.

I DO♪♪T HAVE TO.

WELL, THEN SAVE IT TILL MORNING.

IT'S NOT SAFE OUT THERE.

GOODNIGHT.

NO KISS?

I'M ANGRY. I DO♪♪T WANT TO LOSE IT.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

OH, CHRIST.

LISTEN TO THAT. DID THAT GUITAR WAKE YOU?

NO, YOU DID.

OH, SORRY.

IS HE GOING TO PLAY THAT THING ALL NIGHT?

PUT A PILLOW OVER YOUR EAR.

OH, MOTHER.

IT'S BETTER THAN THAT GUITAR.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHO IS IT?

MAY I COME IN?

DOOR IS OPEN.

ARE YOU DECENT?

LAM DECENT.

IT IS 3:00 IN THE--

JESUS CHRIST! YOU'RE NAKED.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU WERE DECENT.

I AM DECENT. I ALSO HAPPEN TO BE NAKED.

MR. GARFIELD, I HAVE A GROWING DAUGHTER INSIDE

WHO IS NOT GOING TO GROW ON TWO HOURS OF SLEEP.

MUST YOU PLAY THAT?

IT HELPS ME FALL ASLEEP.

HAVE YOU TRIED PILLS?

I DO♪♪T KNOW HOW TO PLAY PILLS.

YOU POP THEM IN YOUR MOUTH AND SWALLOW.

I DO NOT USE UNNATURAL THINGS.

MUSIC IS A NATURAL SEDATIVE.

IF YOU'D LISTEN TO IT, WE WOULD ALL BE ASLEEP SOON.

HOWEVER, IF YOU INSIST, STICK A SLEEPING PILL IN EACH EAR.

[HUMMING]

HE WO♪♪T STOP!

I HAVE A LAWYER ACQUAINTANCE, TOO, I CAN GET.

JUST TAKE DEEP BREATHS.

COUNT TO 100.

I'M SORRY, BABY.

I AM REALLY SORRY I GOT YOU IN THE MIDDLE OF ALL THIS MESS.

LUCE?

LUCE?

[SIGHS]

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

WHAT'S THAT?

OHMMM...

IT SOUNDS LIKE GOD.

OH.

OHMMM...

OH! FIVE TO 6:00.

BOY, GOD GETS UP EARLY.

OHMMM...

I SMELL STRAWBERRIES BURNING.

THAT IS INCENSE.

WHAT'S INCENSE?

IT IS WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW.

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

YOU KNOW IT'S FIVE TO 6:00?

OHMMM...

IN THE MORNING.

OHMMM...

IS♪♪T THERE A CHURCH WHERE YOU CAN DO THAT?

OHMMM...

OHMMM...

YOU FINISHED. IS THAT THE LAST CHORUS?

I'M IN A BLISSFUL STATE. DO♪♪T BUG ME.

IS THIS ROUTINE? GUITARS AT NIGHT, HUMMING IN THE MORNING?

MOST MUSICALS HAVE LESS MUSIC.

MISS McFADDEN...

TODAY I START REHEARSALS FOR MY FIRST NEW YORK PLAY,

PROBABLY THE MOST IMPORTANT DAY OF MY LIFE.

AM I NERVOUS?

NO, I AM NOT NERVOUS.

BECAUSE I HAVE MEDITATED, I AM RELAXED,

I AM CALM,

I AM CONFIDENT.

YOU, ON THE OTHER HAND, HAVE NOT MEDITATED.

THEREFORE, YOU ARE A PAIN IN THE ASS.

[CRACK]

TODAY HAPPENS TO BE AN IMPORTANT DAY FOR ME, TOO.

I AM AUDITIONING FOR A NEW MUSICAL TODAY.

I SLEPT 17 MINUTES LAST NIGHT, THANKS TO YOU.

WITH THE BAGS I HAVE UNDER MY EYES,

I DO♪♪T HAVE MUCH OF A CHANCE.

ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME?

UH-HUH.

WHAT IS THAT SLOP IN MY DISHES?

GRANOLA, WHEAT GERM, SOYA, LECITHIN, NATURAL HONEY.

MY BODY IS A TEMPLE WHICH I WORSHIP.

IT'S WHAT GIVES ME MY NATURAL DISPOSITION.

I'M 63 YEARS OLD. LOOK AT ME. CAN I FIX YOU A BOWL?

THIS IS♪♪T GOING TO WORK.

I REALLY DO♪♪T YOU WELL ENOUGH TO DISLIKE YOU,

BUT YOU ARE TOO WEIRD TO LIVE WITH.

TRY TO FIND ANOTHER PLACE, AND I WILL RETURN THE $600.

YOU FORGET YOU ARE LIVING HERE ON AN ELLIOT GARFIELD GRANT.

TRY THIS. IT'S GOT BRAN IN IT.

YOUR PROBLEM STEMS FROM IRREGULARITY.

OKAY. LET'S TAKE IT FROM THE TOP.

UP TO TEMPO.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4.

TOUCH, TRAP, STEP, STEP.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

UP, UP. TOGETHER.

STEP, KICK, KICK,

4, 5, 6, HOLD, 7.

KICK, CROSS TOGETHER, CROSS TOGETHER.

5, 6, 7, AND s.

KICK, KICK. STEP, DRAG.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4, 5.

LIFT, CROSS, TURN.

1, 2, 3, KICK,

5, STEP, BALL, CHANGE. JUMP, 2, 3, KICK.

TURN...

PAULA.

AH!

OH. OH, MY GOD. YOU SCARED ME.

I THOUGHT IT WAS MY TURN.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, STEP, STEP, BOW.

OKAY. THANK YOU. THEY BOY IN THE GRAY SLACKS,

GIRL IN THE GREEN KNEE SOCKS, AND THE GIRL IN THE RED SCARF.

FRED, VALERIE, AND DORINA, PLEASE WAIT.

THE REST OF YOU, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HOW YOU FEEL?

SO OLD.

I SAW A GIRL BEFORE WHO GOES TO LUCY'S SCHOOL.

PAUL KAISER, DON WALLACE, CYNTHIA ROBBINS,

CARLA WILLIAMS, SUSAN WEINSTEIN,

DONNA DOUGLAS AND PAULA McFADDEN. ONSTAGE PLEASE.

THINK POSITIVE.

MENTION IT TO MY LEGS.

TWO ROWS, PLEASE. THE GIRLS IN THE FRONT.

PAULA, IS THAT YOU?

YES.

RONNIE BURNS.

RONNIE, HELLO!

DID♪♪T YOU GIVE THIS UP?

I DID, BUT FOR THE WRONG ONE.

YOU IN SHAPE?

YES, TERRIFIC.

SHOW ME.

ONLY ON A WRITTEN TEST.

OKAY, EDDY.

JUST A FEW BASIC IMPOSSIBLE STEPS, KIDS, SO PAY ATTENTION.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE COUNTS FIRST.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4, TOUCH, DRAG.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, PITCH,

5, 6, HOLD, 7, KICK.

5, 6, TURN.

OKAY. FROM THE TOP. UP TO TEMPO. PERFORMANCE LEVEL, PLEASE.

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, UP, UP, TOGETHER.

STEP, KICK, PITCH, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, 4,

5, 6, 7, 8.

KICK, KICK, STEP, DRAG,

5, 6, 7, 8.

1, 2, 3, KICK.

STEP, TOGETHER, BOW.

JUST A MINUTE, PLEASE.

[INDISTINCT]

OKAY. ROBERT AND CYNTHIA, PLEASE WAIT.

THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING IN.

A LITTLE RUSTY, BUT NOT BAD.

MY PROBLEM IS I NEED THEM VERY YOUNG.

YOUNG? I'LL WORK ON IT.

NEXT GROUP, PLEASE.

WHAT ABOUT RICHARD?

THE QUESTION MAY SEEM PERFUNCTORY,

BUT WAS RICHARD ACTUALLY DEFORMED?

HE WAS BORN WITH CURVATURE OF THE SPINE,

GIVING THE IMPRESSION HE WAS HUNCHBACKED.

HE HAD SOME PARALYSIS, LEFT HAND AND RIGHT FOOT.

OLIVIER PLAYED IT RIGHT HAND AND LEFT FOOT.

HE ALSO HAD NERVE DAMAGE TO THE RIGHT CHEEK.

THE MAN WAS YOUR BASIC GIMP.

ALL OF WHICH BRINGS US, BLESS THE WISE AND RICH

MRS. ESTELLE MORGENBEIS, TO THIS PRODUCTION.

IS THAT THE WAY WE WANT TO PLAY RICHARD?

IF SO, THEN I'D RATHER DO A STINT

WITH SONNY AND CHER SHOW.

RICHARD Ill WAS A FLAMING HOMOSEXUAL.

SO WAS SHAKESPEARE, BUT THAT MOB AT THE GLOBE THEATER

WOULD♪♪T PLUNK DOWN 2 SHILLINGS

TO SEE A BUNCH OF PANSIES ONSTAGE.

SOCIETY CRIPPLED RICHARD, NOT CHILDBIRTH.

READ YOUR TEXT.

HE SENT THOSE TWO BOYS TO THE TOWER,

AND NOBODY SAW THEM AGAIN.

I WANT TO STRIP RICHARD BARE METAPHORICALLY.

LET'S GET RID OF THE DEFORMITIES

AND SHOW HIM AS HE WOULD BE TODAY:

THE QUEEN WHO WANTED TO BE KING.

YES?

QUESTION.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

WHAT'S THE OBJECTION, ELLIOT?

NUMBER ONE I HAVE TO PLAY IT.

NUMBER TWO I LIKE THE DEFORMITIES.

NUMBER THREE I'VE BEEN REHEARSING THE PART

FOR THREE MONTHS.

WELL, I RESPECT THAT,

AND WE'RE HERE TO EXCHANGE IDEAS.

HOW DO YOU SEE RICHARD?

MR. MACHO? IS THAT IT?

HE IS♪♪T A LINEBACKER FOR THE CHICAGO BEARS,

BUT DO♪♪T THROW AWAY HIS PRIME MOTIVATION.

WHAT'S THAT?

HE WANTS TO HUMP LADY ANNE.

I'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE. JUST TRY IT MY WAY.

LET'S READ THROUGH THE FIRST ACT.

PLEASE, TRUST ME. TRUST ME.

ACT ONE.

EXCUSE ME. EXCUSE ME.

SORRY.

HOW FAR OFF THE BOARD SHOULD I JUMP?

DO♪♪T GIVE ME BETTE MIDLER,

BUT LET'S NOT BE AFRAID TO BE BOLD.

BOLD?

BOLD.

ACT ONE, SCENE ONE.

ENTER RICHARD, DUKE OF GLOUCESTER.

NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT--

SORRY, SORRY. EXCUSE ME.

NOW IS THE WINTER...

[EFFEMINATELY] NOW IS THE WINTER

OF OUR DISCONTENT-- MAY I HAVE A BREAK?

FIVE MINUTES.

FIVE-MINUTE BREAK, EVERYBODY.

[WHEEZING]

39...

OH, MY GOD.

40.

OH!

OH! THAT'S ALL? I CA♪♪T DO ANY MORE?

60. YOU SAID 60.

NO. THE MUSCLES ARE GONE.

I CA♪♪T DANCE. IT WAS A DUMB IDEA.

I AM GOING TO PUT YOU UP FOR ADOPTION.

OH!

GET YOUR OLD MOTHER A COKE.

MM-MM. FATTENING.

UH!

GET ME THE COKE.

MOTHER DOES♪♪T WANT TO BEAT THE CRAP OUT OF YOU.

NO WILLPOWER.

OH!

I'VE DIED.

OH!

I'VE TRULY DIED.

ENTER, SWEET ANNE.

YOU LIVE ALONE?

YEAH.

THE OTHER PEOPLE HERE ALSO LIVE ALONE.

HERE, LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.

LUCY, THIS IS RHONDA.

RHONDA, LUCY. LUCY, RHONDA.

HELLO.

HI.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

SITTING ON MY MOTHER.

SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

RHONDA AND I WILL BE WORKING IN MY BEDROOM.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.

I'LL BET.

I HEARD VOICES. WAS THAT HIM?

UH-HUH. HE TOOK TWO APPLES.

DID YOU WRITE IT DOWN?

I DID♪♪T HAVE A PENCIL.

I TOLD YOU TO WRITE EVERYTHING DOWN.

WE'RE NOT RUNNING A HOTEL.

WHY DO♪♪T YOU LIKE HIM?

WHO INVITED HIM? THAT'S WHY.

IF HE WERE A LAWYER, WOULD YOU LIKE HIM?

I WOULD♪♪T LIKE HIM IF I LIKED HIM.

HE GRATES ON ME.

HE'S CUTE.

HE'S LIKE A DOG NOBODY WANTS.

YOU ARE NEVER TO THINK HE IS CUTE. NEVER.

WHY DID HE WANT TWO APPLES?

ONE FOR HIM. ONE FOR HER.

WHAT HER?

THE GIRL IN THERE.

A GIRL IN THE BEDROOM?

WHY DID♪♪T YOU SAY SOMETHING?

SHOULD I WRITE GIRLS DOWN, TOO?

YOU KNOCKED?

LET'S TALK IN PRIVATE.

IT'S A BAD TIME. HOW BOUT AT BREAKFAST.

IS THAT A GIRL IN THERE?

I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

I WO♪♪T PUT UP WITH THIS.

WITH WHAT? THERE'S A GIRL IN YOUR BEDROOM.

RHONDA, PAULA McFADDEN, THIS IS RHONDA FONTANA,

A GIFTED AND RISING YOUNG ACTRESS. DO♪♪T RISE.

HI.

HELLO.

CAN WE TALK? THIS IS SERIOUS.

TAKE A BREAK.

OUT. OUT?

HER OUT. THEY HAVE MOTELS FOR THAT.

I HAVE AN IMPRESSIONABLE 10-YEAR-OLD DAUGHTER.

THIS IS NOT AN IMPRESSION I WANT HER PICKING UP.

NOW GET THAT RISING YOUNG ACTRESS THE HELL OUT OF THERE.

OUT OF MY RENTED APARTMENT THAT YOU ARE STAYING?

I WILL BRING HOME ANYONE OR ANYTHING I CHOOSE,

INCLUDING A ONE-EYED KANGAROO

IF THAT HAPPENS TO BE MY KINKY INCLINATION.

AS FOR WHAT IS GOIN ON IN THERE, WE'RE REHEARSING RICHARD III.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE A CRETIN FROM MARS DIRECTING THIS PLAY.

HOWEVER, IF I ATTEMPT TO HAVE CARNAL KNOWLEDGE

OF THAT GORGEOUS BOD, THAT'S HER OPTION, MY PROBLEM,

AND NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

WHAT WAS LUCY'S IMPRESSION

OF WHAT WAS GOING ON IN MAMA'S BEDROOM

WITH TONY "LOVE 'EM AND LEAVE 'EM" DeFOREST?

MAC, TURN OUT SOME LIGHTS.

WE'RE RUNNING UP A HECK OF A BILL.

YO U O KAY?

I'M FINE. LET'S GO TO SLEEP.

ARE YOU UPSET BECAUSE THEY'RE MESSING AROUND?

THEY ARE NOT MESSING AROUND.

THEY ARE REHEARSING RICHARD III.

LUCE, DID IT EVER BOTHER YOU ABOUT TONY AND ME?

I MEAN, NOT BEING MARRIED AND LIVING TOGETHER?

NO.

I WANTED TO GET MARRIED.

HE COULD♪♪T GET A DIVORCE.

THAT'S OKAY.

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW HOW YOU FELT.

UH...SOCKS IN THE HAMPER, PLEASE.

[GUITAR PLAYING]

IS THAT SONG FROM RICHARD III?

LET'S BRUSH OUR TEETH.

OH, GOD, PLEASE LET ME BE HIT

BY A RICH MAN IN A ROLLS ROYCE.

I THINK I CAN SWING THAT.

THANK YOU.

NO, I MEAN IT.

IT'S FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.

WHAT DID I SAY?

WELL, THERE'S AN OUTSIDE CHANCE

I CAN GET US BOTH A JOB AT THE AUTO SHOW AT THE COLISEUM.

IT'S ONLY TWO WEEKS, BUT THE MONEY'S NOT BAD.

ANY MONEY'S NOT BAD.

WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO?

JUST LOOK PRETTY, POINT TO THE CARS, AND SAY "TERRIFIC."

I CAN DO THAT. I CAN POINT AND SAY "TERRIFIC."

WELL, THIS FRIEND'S GOING TO LET ME KNOW THIS WEEKEND.

JUST KEEP IT A LITTLE QUIET.

WHAT A NICE PERSON YOU ARE.

YOU DID♪♪T HAVE TO TELL ME.

WELL, I FEEL KIND OF RELATED.

I LIVED WITH BOBBY ALL LAST YEAR.

BOBBY WHO?

BOBBY KULICK, YOUR EX-HUSBAND.

OH, BOBBY. THE MARRIAGE SLIPPED MY MIND.

COME ON, STRETCH. OVER ON YOUR STOMACH.

AS YOU ARE WEARY, REST YOU, WHILST I LAMENT HENRY'S CORSE.

STAY, YOU, AND SET IT DOWN.

WHO CONJURES UP THIS FIEND

TO STOP DEVOTED, CHARITABLE DEEDS?

MY LORD, LET THE COFFIN PASS.

UNMANNERED DOG, STAND THOU.

ADVANCE THY HALBERD HIGHER THAN MY BREAST,

OR, BY SAINT PAUL--

I AM MAKING A HORSETH ASSETH OF MY SELFETH.

WHAT?

MARK, I'M BEGGING YOU.

YOU WANT THIS PERFORMANCE, LET ME PLAY LADY ANNE.

TAKE FIVE. FIVE MINUTES.

YOU'RE UNHAPPY, ELLIOT?

UNHAPPY? NO.

LAM FREAKING PETRIFIED. CRITICS WILL CRUCIFY ME, MARK.

GAY LIBERATION WILL HANG ME

FROM SHAKESPEARE'S STATUE BY MY GENITALIA.

HELP ME, MARK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I WANT MY HUMP BACK. I WANT MY CLUBFOOT.

I WANT SOME PARALYSIS IN MY RIGHT HAND,

TWO STIFF FINGERS, A LITTLE MOTIVATION.

I SEE. YOU WANT TO PLAY IT SAFE.

YOU WANT TO GIVE US CONVENTIONAL RICHARD.

WELL, I CA♪♪T ARGUE. THAT'S BEEN DONE FOR 400 YEARS.

WHAT DO I KNOW? I'M LUCKY TO GET THE PART.

I COME FROM CHICAGO. WE DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY.

WE DO THE PLAY AS WRITTEN. DOES♪♪T GO OVER IN NEW YORK?

I RESPECT YOU, MARK. YOU'VE DONE OFF-BROADWAY. I HAVE♪♪T.

I'M NOT A QUITTER. I'LL DO RICHARD III LIKE TATUM O'NEAL.

I'LL DO IT, BUT DO♪♪T LET ME LOOK FOOLISH.

YOU FEEL FOOLISH?

I FEEL LIKE AN ASSHOLE.

I PASSED FOOLISH ON TUESDAY.

WE HAVE TO TRUST EACH OTHER.

L-I DO.

I WAS NEVER GOING TO LET YOU DO IT LIKE THAT.

OH THANK GOD!

BUT DO YOU SEE WHERE I'M HEADING?

I'M TRYING, MARK.

RICHARD WAS GAY.

LET'S USE THAT AS SUBTEXT.

WE'LL PUT BACK THE CLUBFOOT.

AND THE TWISTED FINGERS.

IF YOU LIKE.

I LOVE THEM!

THEN USE THEM, BABY.

JUST TRY IT MY WAY.

I WILL NEVER LET YOU GO WRONG.

HAVE♪♪T WE MET IN OUR APARTMENT?

PLEASE. I ENJOY SHOPPING. DO♪♪T RUIN THIS FOR ME, TOO.

RELAX. WE DO♪♪T HAVE TO FIGHT TILL WE GET HOME.

WE NEED SOAP, DARLING.

NOT IN MY BATHROOM, YOU DO♪♪T.

IF YOU GET WHAT YOU NEED, AND I GET WHAT I NEED,

WE'RE BLOWING A LOT OF BREAD GETTING THE SAME THINGS.

WHY DO♪♪T WE HAVE ONE SHOPPING LIST AND SPLIT THE BILL?

ON WHAT ITEMS?

FOOD. UH...

BATHROOM AND KITCHEN CLEANSERS. EVERYTHING...

EXCEPT FEMALE AND MALE DOODADS.

IN THAT AREA, YOU GO YOUR WAY, AND I GO MY WAY.

WE SPLIT EVERYTHING?

EVERYTHING. I'LL PAY MY FULL 1/3 SHARE.

1/3?

I'M NOT THE ONE WITH DAUGHTER.

DID♪♪T LADY ANNE WASH YOUR HANDS THE OTHER NIGHT?

QUICK. QUICK. I LIKE A QUICK GIRL.

OKAY. RIGHT DOWN THE MIDDLE.

O KAY.

HOLD IT, HOLD IT. I'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT.

GOOD IDEA SHARING EXPENSES.

I'LL NEED SHOES SOON.

A LITTLE CHIANTI?

NOT ON MY BUDGET.

I'M SHORT OF STATURE, BUT NOT TIGHT OF POCKET.

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YES. A BOTTLE OF YOUR FINEST CHEAP CHIANTI.

I HAVE A CALIFORNIA RED FOR $1.80.

$1.80?

NOTHING FROM KANSAS?

COMEDIAN.

THIS IS A NICE RED.

THIS GOES WITH SPAGHETTI?

PERFECTLY.

IT'S UNDER $2.00, RIGHT?

$1.80 IS UNDER $2.00, AS FAR AS I KNOW.

MY BAG!

THEY TOOK MY BAG!

WHAT? WHO?

IN THE CAR. THEY ROBBED ME!

EVERYTHING WAS IN MY BAG!

THOSE DIRTY BASTARDS!

GO AFTER THEM!

AFTER A SPEEDING CAR?

THANKS. THANKS A LOT!

SHOULD I FIGHT THEM

WITH A CAN OF TOMATO PASTE?

LEAVE ME ALONE!

I STILL THINK YOU OUGHT TO CALL THE POLICE.

I'LL CALL THEM FOR YOU.

YOU WERE♪♪T THAT HELPFUL WHILE THEY ROBBED ME.

I'M NOT A GERMAN SHEPHERD, YOU KNOW.

IT'S THEM!

WHO?

THE ONES WHO TOOK MY BAG!

STOP!

STOP!

WHAT IS THIS, POLICE WOMAN?

I'M GONNA GET A BULLET BETWEEN MY GODDAMN EYES.

SOMEBODY,

STOP THOSE MEN!

[HORN HONKS]

WAIT!

HEY!

GIVE ME THE BAG!

GET OUT OF THE CAR! HOLD IT.

HOLD IT!

I WAS JUST ASKING!

HOLD IT! RELAX.

A SIMPLE QUESTION.

HOLD IT.

KIDDING.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I HAD ALL MY MONEY IN THERE,

EVERYTHING,

MY LAST DOLLAR IN THE WORLD.

YOU AND YOUR GODDAMN CHIANTI.

WHY CA♪♪T YOU AT LEAST THANK ME

FOR RISKING MY LIFE FOR YOU?

DID YOU GET MY BAG BACK?

NO. SO WHY SHOULD I THANK YOU?

WHY DO I HAVE SUCH LOUSY LUCK WITH ACTORS?

I HATE ALL OF YOU.

GET AWAY FROM ME.

JUST GET AWAY.

THEY DID♪♪T ROB YOU BECAUSE I'M AN ACTOR.

AFTER I GRADUATED FROM NORTHWESTERN,

I TOOK MY FIRST SUMMER JOB.

I DID 10 PLAYS IN 10 WEEKS.

I HAD HEPATITIS AND MUMPS AND NEVER KNEW IT.

I THOUGHT I WAS JUST GETTING YELLOW AND FAT.

WHICH PLAYS?

I PLAYED THE REPORTER IN INHERIT THE WIND.

GENE KELLY DID IN THE MOVIE.

THAT'S RIGHT.

HE DID♪♪T DIG AS DEEPLY AS I DID.

NEXT I DID CYRANO DE BERGERAC.

JOSE FERRER.

I GOT LAUGHS WITH HALF THE NOSE.

STYLE COUNTS.

YOU DO♪♪T THINK MUCH OF YOURSELF.

I GOT A BIG EGO.

YOU GOT TO SEE THE FACE

TO APPRECIATE THE WORK.

I TAUGHT DRAMA AT DULUTH JUNIOR COLLEGE.

YOU TAUGHT DRAMA? FAR OUT!

VERY FAR OUT. IT'S UP NEAR CANADA.

WANT SOME MORE WINE?

NIENTE CHIANTI.

THAT'S GOOD.

YOU'RE TERRIFIC WITH WORDS.

WORDS ARE AN ACTOR'S CANVAS.

HIS LIPS ARE HIS BRUSHES.

HIS TONGUE, THE COLORS.

WHEN HE SPEAKS, HE PAINTS PORTRAITS.

HE'S VERY CLASSY.

THE KID'S GOT A GOOD EYE.

TONY WAS♪♪T A CLASSY ACTOR.

HE WAS JUST...

SEXY.

YOU DO♪♪T THINK I'M SEXY?

ARE YOU KIDDING?

WHAT DO YOU KNOW? YOU'RE 10 YEARS OLD.

IN THREE YEARS, I'LL DRIVE YOU WILD.

IT'S AFTER 9:00. DO YOUR HOMEWORK.

FIVE MORE MINUTES.

WE NEVER HAD A GOOD TALKER AT DINNER.

IN A MIDSUMMER NIGHT'S DREAM,

I PLAYED THE SAME PART

MICKEY ROONEY PLAYED IN THE MOVIE.

PUCK!

THE LADY PRODUCER FROM NEW YORK

ASKED ME TO PLAY RICHARD Ill.

IT'S OFF, OFF, OFF-BROADWAY.

ARE WE INVITED TO THE OPENING?

YOU TWO CAN COME TUESDAY NIGHT.

TUESDAY'S A SCHOOL NIGHT.

TONY'S OPENING WAS ON A SCHOOL NIGHT.

I SAID NO.

SHIT! SHOOT.

I THINK I'M IN TROUBLE. GOODNIGHT.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN MY BEDROOM?

TALKING TO ME?

YOU CAN HAVE THE BIG BEDROOM

FOR AN EXTRA $50 A MONTH,

PAYABLE IN CASH NOW.

A RENT INCREASE

FOR GETTING WHAT I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN?

NO, THANKS.

WOULD YOU LEND ME $50?

I'LL EITHER PAY YOU 7 1/2% INTEREST

OR DO YOUR LAUNDRY.

THEY REALLY CLEANED YOU OUT, HUH?

EVERYONE FROM HERE TO ITALY.

I HAVE, UH...

$28 AND CHANGE.

I'LL SPLIT IT WITH YOU.

STARTING OPENING NIGHT, I GET $240 A WEEK.

I'LL MAKE A DEAL.

I'LL PAY ALL THE LIVING EXPENSES

TILL YOU GET YOURSELF A JOB,

AND I'LL EVEN DO MY OWN LAUNDRY.

I SEE.

AND WHAT DO YOU GET?

OH...

ALL YOU GOT TO DO IS BE NICE TO ME.

YOU GO TO HELL!

WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME? EVERYONE'S NOT AFTER

YOUR MAGNIFICENT BODY, LADY.

IT'S NOT SO MAGNIFICENT.

IT'S FAIR, BUT IT AI♪♪T KEEPING ME UP NIGHTS.

YOU'RE NOT EVEN VERY PRETTY.

MAYBE IF YOU SMILED ONCE IN A WHILE, OKAY,

BUT THAT'S AGAINST YOUR RELIGION.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY PERSON EVER DUMPED ON.

I'M A RECENT DUMPEE.

I AM A DEDICATED ACTOR, PAULA.

BECAUSE OF A MENTALLY ARTHRITIC DIRECTOR,

I'M PLAYING THE SECOND-GREATEST ROLE

IN THE HISTORY OF THEATER

LIKE A FRESH CALIFORNIA FRUIT SALAD.

WHEN I SAY NICE, I MEAN FAIR.

I'M A FAIR PERSON.

I DO♪♪T WANT TO JUMP ON YOU.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE ABOUT YOU.

LUCY.

SHE'S WORTH PUTTING UP WITH YOU.

HERE'S $14 FOR HER CARE AND FEEDING.

YOU GET ZIPPIDY DOO-DAH.

WANT ANY MONEY,

BORROW IT FROM YOUR DAUGHTER.

I AM NOW GOING INSIDE MY ROOM

TO MEDITATE AWAY MY HOSTILITY TOWARDS YOU.

PERSONALLY, I DO♪♪T THINK IT CAN BE DONE.

[DOOR SLAMS]

[GUITAR PLAYING]

AS YOU ARE WEARY, REST YOU,

WHILST I LAMENT KING HENRY'S CORSE.

STAY, YOU THAT BEAR THE CORSE,

AND SET IT DOWN.

WHAT BLACK MAGICIAN CONJURES UP THIS FIEND?

MY LORD, LET THE COFFIN PASS.

UNMANNERED DOG,

STAND THOU WHEN I COMMAND.

ADVANCE THY HALBERD HIGHER--

GOOD! GOOD!

THAT I MIGHT DIE AT ONCE,

FOR NOW THEY KILL ME WITH A LIVING DEATH.

THOSE EYES OF THINE FROM MINE HAVE DRAWN SALT TEARS,

SHAMED THEIR ASPECT WITH STORE OF CHILDISH DROPS.

THESE EYES, WHICH NEVER SHED A REMORSEFUL TEAR...

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WHAT IS IT?

AM I DISTURBING YOU?

YES!

SORRY.

THEN DO♪♪T DISTURB ME.

YOU'RE SNAPPING.

I WAS SARCASTIC.

SNAPPING IS, "BUG OFF, I'M BUSY!"

WHAT'S WRONG?

WHAT'S WRONG? NOTHING'S WRONG.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SOMETHING'S WRONG?

YOU OPEN WITH RICHARD III

IN FRONT OF ALL THE NEW YORK CRITICS TOMORROW NIGHT

WITH A CHARTREUSE HUMP ON YOUR BACK.

WHAT'S WRONG?

I'M TRYING TO SAVE MY CAREER! THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG.

WHAT DO YOU WANT? NO, DO♪♪T TELL ME!

I DIPPED INTO YOUR PEANUT BUTTER, RIGHT?

HOW MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

I JUST CAME TO REPAY YOU YOUR $14.

I GOT A JOB.

DO YOU HAVE SOME BICARBONATE?

LUCY IS SICK.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER?

SHE HAD TWO SUNDAES FOR DINNER.

I ORDERED THEM.

INCREDIBLE!

I'M SURPRISED THEY DO♪♪T SELL

INSURANCE POLICIES TO CHILDREN.

THAT'S BICARBONATE?

DO♪♪T START!

[MOANING]

HOW'S IT FEELING, LUCE?

DID YOU SEE THE EXORCIST?

YEAH.

THEN YOU BETTER GET OUT OF THE ROOM.

YOU'LL BE OKAY.

LUCY, TURN OVER ON YOUR BACK.

RELAX, COME ON.

DO♪♪T YOU TRUST ME?

I TRUSTED MY MOTHER TODAY, AND LOOK HOW I FEEL.

I WANT YOU TO TAKE SLOW, DEEP BREATHS.

GO ON.

NOW.

THAT'S IT.

WATCH.

THINK YOU CAN DO THIS?

I MIGHT BE ABLE TO MANAGE IT.

EYES CLOSED, LUCE.

KEEP BREATHING DEEPLY.

DEEP BREATH.

THAT'S IT.

HOW'S THE PLAY GOING?

SHH!

ONE SICK PERSON AT A TIME.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

FEELING ANY BETTER?

A LITTLE.

IS♪♪T THIS MORE SOOTHING THAN MEDICINE?

IT TASTES BETTER, TOO.

MOM, CAN WE GO TO THE OPENING?

YOU STILL OWE ME A PRESENT.

TODAY WAS THE PITS.

SURE.

ANYTHING YOU SAY.

TERRIFIC.

NOW YOU HAVE TO GET ME A DRESS.

THANK YOU.

I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT YESTERDAY.

IT WAS VERY GENEROUS OF YOU.

I'M NOT USED TO THE KINDNESS OF STRANGERS.

I KNOW.

BLANCHE DUBOIS IN STREETCAR.

SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE HER.

YOU START TO TRUST A MAN,

AND THEY TAKE YOU AWAY AT THE END OF THE MOVIE.

I'M SORRY FOR...

WELL, I'M JUST SORRY.

I'M ATTEMPTING TO BE NICE, DECENT, AND FAIR.

HOW AM I DOING?

MR. GARFIELD?

MR. GARFIELD.

WAKE UP.

YOU CA♪♪T SLEEP WITH MY DAUGHTER.

UPSTAIRS TO THE RIGHT. THANK YOU.

I HOPE THIS IS FUNNY. IS IT MUSICAL COMEDY?

IT'S SHAKESPEARE.

BORING.

LOOK AT THE STUBS AND FIND OUR SEATS.

OVER HERE.

NUMBER...

UH, WAIT.

IT'S SO EXCITING.

WAIT TILL YOU SEE IT.

IT IS SO CONTEMPORARY.

[TRUMPET FAN FARE]

NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER BY THIS SON OF YORK,

AND THE CLOUDS THAT LOWERED UPON OUR HOUSE

IN THE DEEP BOSOM OF THE OCEAN BURIED.

NOW ARE OUR BROWS BOUND WITH VICTORIOUS WREATHS,

OUR BRUISED ARMS HUNG UP FOR MONUMENTS,

OUR STERN ALARUMS CHANGED TO MERRY MEETINGS.

SOUNDS LIKE THAT GUY IN THE BEAUTY PARLOR.

BE PATIENT.

THEY ARE FRIENDS.

RATCLIFFE.

LOVEL.

HERE IS THE HEAD OF THAT TRAITOR,

THE DANGEROUS AND UNSUSPECTED HASTINGS.

I TOOK HIM FOR THE PLAINEST, HARMLESS CREATURE

THAT BREATHED UPON THE EARTH A CHRISTIAN,

MADE HIM MY BOOK, WHEREIN MY SOUL

RECORDED THE HISTORY OF ALL HER SECRET THOUGHTS.

EXCUSE ME.

IS IT OVER?

IT IS FOR ME.

A HORSE! A HORSE!

MY KINGDOM FOR A HORSE!

WITHDRAW, MY LORD. I'LL HELP YOU TO A HORSE.

AAH!

BRAVO!

BRAVO!

DID YOU REALLY LOVE IT? REALLY REALLY LOVE IT?

IT WAS VERY INTERESTING.

OH, GOD!

EVERYBODY, SHE LOVED IT!

MY MOTHER LOVED IT!

RIGHT THROUGH ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

THANK YOU. WE'RE ALL SO EXCITED.

I HAVE A FEELING HE'D RATHER BE ALONE.

HE'LL KNOW WE THOUGHT IT WAS LOUSY

IF WE DO♪♪T SAY HELLO.

ALRIGHT BUT TRY AND BE TACTFUL.

WHAT'S TACTFUL?

LIE.

HE'S OVER THERE.

HELLO, MR. GARFIELD.

IT'S LUCY AND ME.

WE CAME BACK TO TELL YOU

HOW MUCH WE ENJOYED IT.

I HAD THE BEST TIME.

FIRST I THOUGHT IT WAS BORING.

OH, BUT THEN IT PICKED UP NEAR THE END.

WE WO♪♪T KEEP YOU.

WE JUST WANTED TO THANK YOU FOR THE LOVELY EVENING.

PEOPLE WERE TALKING ABOUT YOU ON THE WAY OUT.

THEY DO♪♪T EVER WANT TO FORGET YOUR NAME.

WELL, GOODNIGHT.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE WONDERFUL.

COME ON, LUCY.

PETER, YOU WO♪♪T BELIEVE IT.

[CRASH]

ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

OH, GOD! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?

THOU HAST BROKEN THY VASE.

THOU OWEST THEE $12.98

PLUS TAXES.

ARE YOU OKAY?

NOT ACCORDING TO THE TIMES.

HAVE YOU READ THE TIMES?

CAN I GET YOU A CUP OF COFFEE?

OH!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

THE TIMES SA“),

"ELLIOT GARFIELD RESEARCHED RICHARD Ill

"AND DISCOVERED HIM TO BE

ENGLAND'S FIRST BADLY DRESSED INTERIOR DECORATOR."

OH!

TASTY WRITING.

I NEVER LISTEN TO CRITICS.

OH, THANK GOD.

YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT TO GO ON FOR ME TOMORROW NIGHT...

THE DAILY NEWS SAID...

HERE, READ IT.

"LT NEVER OCCURRED TO US--

"THAT WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE WROTE THE WIZARD OF OZ.

"HOWEVER, ELLIOT GARFIELD

MADE A SPLENDID WICKED WITCH OF THE NORTH."

TACKY.

OH, GOD.

WELL, IF YOU GOT TO KILL ME,

KILL ME WITH PANACHE.

I'M REALLY SORRY.

WHAT THE HELL?

IT'S ONLY A LITTLE NEW YORK DEBUT, YOU KNOW.

AMES, IOWA, IS WHERE IT REALLY COUNTS, YOU KNOW.

AMES, IOWA.

IF YOU DO♪♪T MAKE IT IN AMES,

THEN YOU GOT CAREER TROUBLES.

OH, MY GOD!

CHANNEL 5 WAS HONEST,

DIRECT AND HONEST.

"RICHARD III STUNK.

ELLIOT GARFIELD WAS THE STINKEE."

ELLIOT, NO!

AM I IN BED?

BECAUSE IF I'M IN BED, THE SPRINGS ARE SHOT.

I THOUGHT YOU DID♪♪T PUT

UNHEALTHY THINGS INTO YOUR BODY.

I WAS PUTTING THEM INTO RICHARD'S.

I WAS TRYING TO KILL THE SON OF A BITCH.

PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO GO TO BED. THIS FURNITURE IS♪♪T MINE.

YOU THINK I'M DEFEATED?

YOU THINK I'M DISCOURAGED?

YOU THINK I'M UPSET OVER 14 UNIMPORTANT NEGATIVE REVIEWS?

YOU BET YOUR ASS I AM.

OH... OH...

SORRY. THIS APARTMENT IS RATED PG.

I KEEP FORGETTING.

YOU WERE WONDERFUL TONIGHT, REALLY.

I WAS AN ELIZABETHAN FRUIT FLY.

I WAS THE BETTY BOOP OF STRATFORD-ON-AVON.

I WAS PUTRID.

CAPITAL "P,"

CAPITAL "U,"

CAPITAL "TRID."

I THOUGHT IT WAS AN INTERESTING INTERPRETATION.

IT WAS BULLSHIT!

YOU DID♪♪T SEE THEIR FACES.

WHEN I WALKED OUT ON STAGE,

210 PEOPLE LOOKING LIKE THEY JUST GOT A SHOT OF NOVOCAIN.

TELL ME THE TRUTH.

I WANT THE TRUTH. SAY IT.

SAY IT OR I'LL SMASH THIS PRICELESS $9.00 LAMP TO PIECES.

WAS I PUTRID OR WAS I NOT? SAY IT!

YES, YES, YOU WERE PUTRID!

YOU DO♪♪T HAVE TO BE SO BLUNT ABOUT IT.

I'M SORRY.

GIVE THAT TO ME.

THANK YOU.

I THOUGHT I HAD SOME GOOD MOMENTS NOW AND THEN,

LIKE WALKING ON AND WALKING OFF.

THE REST WAS CACA.

SURE I CA♪♪T GET YOU ANYTHING?

SOME OF YOUR HEALTH VITAMINS?

DO♪♪T WALK OUT ON ME, PLEASE.

ONCE A NIGHT IS ENOUGH.

I'M HERE.

I'M LISTENING.

I CAN PLAY THAT PART, YOU KNOW.

I CAN PLAY THE HUMP OFF THAT GUY.

I WAS BETTER ON THE BUS COMING IN FROM CHICAGO

THAN I WAS ON THAT STAGE TONIGHT.

AND NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER BY THIS SON OF YORK,

AND ALL THE CLOUDS THAT LOWERED UPON OUR HOUSE

IN THE DEEP BOSOM OF THE OCEAN BURIED.

ET CETERA, ET CETERA, ET CETERA, ET CETERA.

OH, THAT IS GOOD.

IT'S WONDERFUL. HONESTLY.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

YOU'RE NOT SUCH A BAD PERSON AFTER ALL,

BUT THAT PUTRID REMARK REALLY HURT.

THAT REALLY GOT TO ME, YOU KNOW?

I KNOW. I DO♪♪T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.

YOU TRY AND GET SOME SLEEP NOW, OKAY?

DO♪♪T TELL LUCY ABOUT THE TIMES.

NO, I WO♪♪T.

OR IN THE NEWS.

OR CHANNEL 5.

OR CHANNEL 2, 4, 7, 9, AND 11.

NO, I WO♪♪T.

TRY TO GET SOME SLEEP.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.

NO AUTOGRAPHS, PLEASE.

NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCONTENT

MADE GLORIOUS SUMMER BY THE SON OF YORK.

"ONE MUST ALWAYS SUSPECT BRAVE AND COURAGEOUS ATTEMPTS

"TO EXPOSE SHAKESPEARE THROUGH NEW AND DARING CONCEPTS.

AND EVEN, IF YOU WILL, lRREVERENCE."

WHAT'S IRREVERENCE?

YOU'LL FIND OUT.

"BUT ELLIOT GARFIELD IN RICHARD III

"GIVES US LESS THAN A SUMMER STOCK CHARLIE'S AUNT

WITHOUT THE GOOD-NATURED AND INOFFENSIVE HUMOR."

DOES THAT MEAN HE DID♪♪T LIKE IT?

HE HAS TWO MONTHS TO LIVE.

HE'S A CYNIC.

WHICH ONE OF YOU SCOTCH TAPED MY TONGUE

TO THE ROOF OF MY MOUTH?

UGH!

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME COFFEE?

NOT UNLESS IT HAS SOME BICARBONATE.

CONGRATULATIONS.

FOR WHAT?

I DID♪♪T KNOW WHAT ELSE TO SAY.

WHY DO YOU LET YOUR CHILD READ PORNOGRAPHY?

WANT SOME PUFFED RICE OR COCOA PUFFS?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

STARVE A COLD, FEED A FAILURE, EH?

HELLO.

YES, JUST A MINUTE. IT'S FOR YOU.

I GET THE COVER OF NEWSWEEK?

HELLO.

HI, HARV.

HUH?

YEAH, I READ THEM.

UH-HUH.

YEAH, I UNDERSTAND.

OKAY. ALRIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

THERE YOU GO. YOU THINK YOUR WORLD IS COLLAPSING,

AND SOMETHING WONDERFUL HAPPENS.

WHAT?

THEY CLOSED THE SHOW. I DO♪♪T HAVE TO DO IT ANYMORE

AMERICAN THEATER IS SAVED.

OH, I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL FOR THE BEST.

NOW I CAN TAKE THAT OTHER JOB.

WHAT OTHER JOB?

I'M LOOKING.

LUCE, WE'RE LATE. GET YOUR JACKET.

DID YOU KNOW SPENCER TRACY GOT TERRIBLE REVIEWS

THE FIRST TIME HE WAS ON BROADWAY?

NO, HE DID♪♪T.

OH, I THOUGHT HE DID.

YOU DO KNOW YOUR DAUGHTER HAS A CRUSH ON ME?

YES, I'VE NOTICED.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT, MOM?

WELL...NOT TO TAKE AWAY FROM YOUR PERSONAL CHARM...

SHE HAD ONE ON TONY, TOO.

YOU'RE FICKLE AT 10.

AND AT 6. SHE HAD ONE ON HER FATHER.

COME ON.

WAIT FOR ME DOWNSTAIRS.

WHY?

BECAUSE I'M THE MOTHER, THAT'S WHY.

OH.

SO...

WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS?

YOU MEAN MY IMMEDIATE PLANS?

WELL, AFTER BREAKFAST,

I WAS CONTEMPLATING AN ABORTED SUICIDE ATTEMPT

AND THEN THINK ABOUT WELFARE.

SO...l MEAN...

YOU'RE NOT GOING BACK TO CHICAGO?

CHICAGO, NO. SIBERIA, POSSIBLY.

I MEAN, YOUR ROOM IS PAID FOR.

IT BELONGS TO YOU.

IF I DECIDE TO LEAVE, I'LL GIVE YOU AN ADDRESS TO SHIP IT TO.

IF YOU STAY, I COULD USE SOME HELP WITH LUCY.

I WO♪♪T BE BACK

IN TIME TO MAKE HER DINNER.

WELL, WHAT I'M SAYING IS...

I ACCEPT.

GOOD. SHE HAS DINNER AT 6.

THERE ARE PORK CHOPS IN THE FREEZER.

HAVE A NICE DAY.

CUTE.

DEFINITELY CUTE.

HI. MY NAME IS DONNA DOUGLAS.

I'D LIKE TO WELCOME YOU TO THE INTERNATIONAL AUTO SHOW

AND TO THE SUBARU DISPLAY.

HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE WONDERED

HOW THE U.S. SKI TEAM, THOSE CHAMPS OF THE DOWNHILL,

GET TO THE TOP OF THOSE STEEP HILLS?

THE SUBARU ENGINE GIVES YOU 39 MILES PER GALLON

IN HIGHWAY DRIVING

AND 29 MILES PER GALLON IN CITY DRIVING.

EXTRAORDINARY PERFORMANCE.

THE SYNC-T IS A LEAN-BURN APPROACH

TO COMBUSTION ENGINES,

AND THE SPECTACULAR DESIGN

THEN ELIMINATES THE NEED FOR POWER- AND FUEL--

THE, UH...AHEM,

UH...

MOMMY.

ELIMINATES THE NEED

FOR POWER- AND FUEL-ROBBING, UH...

FUEL-ROBBING...THINGS.

THE SUBARU GIVES GREAT PERFORMANCE

PLUS BETTER MILEAGE

WITH LESS EMISSION FROM YOUR, UH...

SHE'S UP.

UH...THE FRONT WINDOW IS CLEARLY VISIBLE

AND WAS DESIGNED FOR MAXIMUM VISIBILITY

WHETHER ONE IS LOOKING TO THE RIGHT OR TO THE LEFT

OR STRAIGHT AHEAD.

I'M BEGINNING TO THINK

MY RICHARD WAS♪♪T THAT BAD.

[SPEAKING JAPANESE]

THE REAR WINDOW IS ALSO DESIGNED

FOR MAXIMUM VISIBILITY

IF ONE IS LOOKING OUT THE BACK.

THE TIRES ARE OPTIONAL AND ATTRACTIVE.

CONSUMERS GUIDE SAYS THAT THE SUBARU

IS A TRULY REMARKABLE ECONOMY CAR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

AND NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU...

AH-SO. AH-SO.

TIME OUT, TIME OUT.

ONE MINUTE. UNO MOMENTO.

THANKS A LOT.

I COULD HAVE GOTTEN FIRED

EXCEPT THEY DO♪♪T KNOW THE ENGLISH WORD FOR IT.

WHAT'RE YOU DOING HERE?

YOU CAME TO SEE ME ACT.

THOUGHT I'D COME TO SEE YOU ACT. YOU WERE GOOD.

ONE CONSTRUCTIVE COMMENT--

STUDY, LEARN YOUR LINES. REALLY.

NEXT YEAR, YOU'LL BE READY FOR BIGGER PARTS LIKE TRUCKS.

DID YOU HAVE YOUR DINNER?

NO.

NO?

IT MUST BE AFTER 7:00.

WHAT AM I PAYING YOU FOR?

PAYING ME?

ONE PETRIFIED PIECE OF PORK CHOP

AND AN AGING PIECE OF BROWN CELERY

DOES NOT CONSTITUTE PAYMENT.

COME HERE. I CAME TO GIVE YOU THE KID.

I'M WORKING TONIGHT.

HE GOT A JOB.

DID♪♪T I JUST SAY THAT?

ACTING?

I DID♪♪T SAY THAT. IT'S IN THE ENTERTAINMENT FIELD.

I'LL BE BACK 2 A.M. DO♪♪T WAIT UP.

YOU LOOK TERRIFIC. YOU'RE SO CUTE.

I NEVER KNEW YOU HAD A FIGURE.

THE MAN WEARS ME OUT.

HE DEFINITELY WEARS ME OUT.

HE WEARS ME OUT, TOO.

EXCUSE ME, GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.

UH, THAT GIRL IMPRESSED ME VERY MUCH WITH YOUR CAR.

I'M IN THE TAXI BUSINESS,

I'M IN THE MARKET FOR AN ENTIRE FLEET.

IF YOU THINK YOU COULD HANDLE IT,

I'D LIKE TO COME BACK AND DISCUSS DETAILS.

YOU OUGHTA HANG ON TO THAT GIRL.

THANK YOU.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

P.A.: WE'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO THE SUBARU LINE

OF ECONOMICAL, DURABLE CARS OF 1977.

EROTIC ACTS. EXOTIC ACTS.

SEXY, EROTIC, BEAUTIFUL GIRLS.

HEY! SEXY GIRLS.

WHAT KINDA SHOW?

DIRTY, FILTHY SHOW. NEXT ONE STARTS IN 10 MINUTES.

WHAT DO THEY DO?

I DO♪♪T KNOW. I REALLY DO♪♪T.

WANNA GO INSIDE? YOU INTERESTED?

COME INSIDE, QUICK.

WHAT IS IT?

THERE'S A DRUNK ON STAGE.

THROW THAT CREEP OUT OF HERE!

ME? I'M THE DOORMAN.

WHEN HE COMES OUT, I'LL OPEN THE DOOR.

YOU WANT YOUR PAY?

MM-HMM!

WHICH ONE OF YOU PEOPLE IS CAUSING ALL THE TROUBLE HERE?

NEED ANY HELP WITH THE FELLOW?

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

GET HIM OUT OF HERE!

LET'S FINISH THE SHOW.

ALL I WANT IS ONE LITTLE KISS.

I DO♪♪T EVEN KNOW YOU. I DO♪♪T KISS ON THE FIRST DATE.

HEY! THEY LIKE US!

THEY LIKE US!

GET RID OF THAT BUM!

COME HERE, YOU LITTLE TWERP.

NO.

COME HERE.

I'M GONNA BUST YOUR STUPID FACE IN.

NO, NO! THEY DO♪♪T WANNA SEE THAT.

YOU WANNA SEE LITTLE TWERP GET HIS FACE BROKEN?

TOUGH CROWD, TOUGH CROWD!

LET'S TALK THIS OVER.

TELL ME YOUR NAME. WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

EARL.

EARL? EARL WHAT?

EARL FIST.

IT'S MY FIRST STANDING OVATION.

YOU KNOW WHAT CYNTHIA FEIN SAID?

WHO IS CYNTHIA FEIN?

THE GIRL IN MY CLASS WITH THE BRACES AND THE BIG CHEST.

ELLIOT PICKED ME UP FROM SCHOOL TODAY.

AND CYNTHIA SAYS HE'S GOT CHARISMA.

I LOOKED IT UP, AND HE DOES.

ALRIGHT, CUT IT OUT.

CUT WHAT OUT?

STOP TRYING TO MAKE SOMETHING BETWEEN US.

ME? CYNTHIA FEIN--

CYNTHIA FEIN, MY BEHIND.

STOP PUSHING ME.

WHO'S PUSHING?

YOUR FINGERPRINTS ARE ALL OVER MY BACK.

HE'S OKAY, ALRIGHT.

ONCE IN AWHILE, HE EVEN ACTS HUMAN.

BUT STOP PUSHING ME

BECAUSE THAT MAN IS NOT MY TYPE.

I HEARD THAT. WHAT DID YOU SAY?

IF YOU HEARD IT, WHY ASK?

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

I SAID YOUR TYPE NEVER HANGS AROUND

LONG ENOUGH TO STAY YOUR TYPE.

THAT IS A ROTTEN THING TO SAY.

I KNOW. I JUST FELT LIKE SAYING IT.

SOMETIMES I CAN BE SO FURIOUS WITH YOU!

THAT WAS A STINKY THING TO DO!

OHH!

WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR EYE?

OH, I USED IT TO STOP A FIST

FROM GOING THROUGH MY FACE.

OH, MY GOD!

WHAT KIND OF MEAT IS THIS?

VEAL PARMESAN.

IT'S BETTER THAN POTATO SALAD.

I'M OUT OF WORK AGAIN.

LISTEN, YOU TWO HAVE NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT ANYMORE.

I'VE DECIDED THAT YOU CAN STAY AS LONG AS YOU LIKE.

IT'S MY ONLY HOPE FOR SURVIVAL.

LISTEN, SOMETHING'S BOUND TO TURN UP.

DO YOU THINK SO?

CYNTHIA THINKS YOU'VE GOT CHARISMA.

CHARISE YOURSELF TO BED, YOUNG LADY.

PUT THAT ON YOUR EYE.

WHAT DO YOU THINK I'VE GOT?

I MEAN, DO I CHARISE YOU AT ALL?

I'M NOT TALKING ABOUT TALENT-WISE,

TALENT-WISE, I'M VERY SECURE.

JUST APPEAL-WISE,

I'M A LITTLE SHAKY.

COME ON YOU CAN TELL ME, I CAN TAKE IT.

AM I AS ADORABLE AS I THINK I AM?

YOU ARE OUTRAGEOUS.

I CANNOT KEEP UP WITH YOUR ENERGY.

THEY MUST PICK YOU UP ON CB RADIOS IN ALASKA.

YOU GET THE FEELING SOMETHING IS STARTING BETWEEN US?

I GRADUATED FROM HIGH SCHOOL, 16 YEARS AGO

AND THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I HEARD THAT LINE.

OUT OF MY WAY PLEASE, I HAVE TO SELL CARS MORNING.

OH, THAT'S WHY YOU GOT THE KABUKI MAKE-UP ON.

YOU LET ME STAND THERE!

OH, GIVE ME A TOWEL.

DO♪♪T YOU EVER DO THAT AGAIN.

YOUR LIPS MAY SAY NO NO, BUT THERE'S "YES, YES" IN YOUR EYES.

DO♪♪T GET CUTE.

YOUR GOD DAMN NOSE DRIVES ME CRAZY.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

IT'S PUG, VERY PUG. IT SHOOTS DOWN STRAIGHT

BUT THEN IT TURNS PUG AT THE LAST SECOND.

DO♪♪T!

WE GOT OURSELVES A HOT INFATUATION.

I HAVE NO TIME FOR ROMANCE.

YOU DROVE ME BANANAS THE FIRST TIME I SAW YOU

THROUGH THE CRACK IN THAT DOOR. I SAID

THIS IS BEST HALF A FACE I EVER LAID EYES ON.

DO♪♪T MAKE ME LAUGH, I AM NOT ON YOUR SIDE.

SMELLING YOUR HAIR DRIVES ME NUTS.

I COULD BE SLEEPING YOU WALK BY MY DOOR,

MY NOSTRILS SAY, "WHO'S THAT COMING DOWN THIS STREET?"

YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME.

I'M 33. I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO GET EMBARRASSED ANYMORE.

IF YOU WERE A MUSICAL, PEOPLE WOULD HUM YOUR FACE.

DO♪♪T DO THIS.

DO♪♪T MAKE ME FEEL HAPPY.

I HATE THAT "IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE ALIVE FEELING."

DO NOT COME INTO MY LIFE.

I JUST GOT THROUGH PUTTING UP FENCES.

CAN I WALK YOU TO YOUR DOOR?

IT'S A ROUGH NEIGHBORHOOD.

ELLIOT!

YES, CALL ME ELLIOT. I'VE ALREADY BITTEN YOUR NECK.

ELLIOT, I AM PRAYING THIS IS GONE IN THE MORNING.

THE HELL YOU ARE, MEET ME IN THE KITCHEN TOMORROW NIGHT.

DRESS CASUAL.

[MONKEY NOISES]

[WHISTLES]

PAULA!

PAULA! WHERE ARE YOU RUNNING?

I WANNA SEE LUCY BEFORE SHE GOES TO BED.

WAIT, I HAVE A MESSAGE FOR YOU.

THE MASERATI PEOPLE ARE THROWING A SMALL PARTY AT 21.

THAT GUY, GIORGIO, THE ONE THAT SMELLS BETTER THAN US

WELL, HE SPECIFICALLY ASKED FOR YOU,

"THE GIRL WITH THE LAUGHING TEETH."

I CA♪♪T, I'VE GOT TO GO HOME.

I DO♪♪T UNDERSTAND,

THAT GUY IS GORGEOUS! HE TOLD ME TO TELL YOU.

IF IT WAS ANY OTHER TIME.

ELLIOT?

ELLIOT?

ARE YOU UP HERE?

SAY SOMETHING.

I DO♪♪T LIKE THIS.

OHH.

I SAID IT WAS FORMAL, KID.

PARTY'S GOT TO BE OVER BY 9 A.M.

OTHERWISE, IT'S ANOTHER 5 BUCKS FOR THE SUIT.

[INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC]

OHH.

DO♪♪T PANIC.

EVEN GINGER WAS NERVOUS

THE FIRST TIME SHE DANCED WITH ME.

[HUMMING]

♪♪ HOW ABOUT YOU? ♪♪

♪♪ I LIKE A GERSHWIN TUNE ♪♪

♪♪ HOW ABOUT YOU? ♪♪

♪♪ I LIKE A FIREPLACE ♪♪

♪♪ WHEN THE LIGHTS ARE LOW ♪♪

♪♪ I LIKE POTATO CHIPS, MOONLIGHT, AND MOTOR TRIPS ♪♪

♪♪ HOW ABOUT YOU? ♪♪

WHAT ARE YOU CRYING ABOUT?

SO KILL ME.

I'M A SUCKER FOR ROMANCE.

ELLIOT GARFIELD IS A MANY-FACETED INDIVIDUAL.

I GOT A JOB.

A REAL JOB A REAL ACTING JOB.

YOU DID? WHERE?

IT'S IN A PLACE CALLED "THE INVENTORY,"

IT'S AN IMPROVISATIONAL GROUP.

THEY SAW RICHARD III.

THEY SAID IF I COULD DO THAT, I COULD DO ANYTHING.

OH, NO, DO♪♪T LET IT RAIN!

DO♪♪T WORRY ABOUT IT, THE SUIT'S TOO BIG FOR ME ANYWAY.

I AUDITIONED FOR THEM TODAY.

IT'S IMPROVISATION, YOU UNDERSTAND?

VERY DIFFICULT.

BUT I AUDITIONED WITH THIS TALENTED GIRL, LINDA.

REALLY TALENTED GIRL

IS SHE PRETTY?

NO, NO, VERY UN PRETTY. VERY UGLY.

UNPUG NOSE.

I PLAYED ABRAHAM LINCOLN. MARY TODD LINCOL♪♪S OUT OF TOWN.

GENERAL GRANT TAKES ME TO A CAT HOUSE IN VIRGINIA.

WE'RE ALL TRYING TO ACT VERY DIGNIFIED--

OH, DO♪♪T STOP! I NEVER DANCED IN THE RAIN.

THE HELL WITH THE DANCING MY PIZZA'S GETTING DRENCHED!

WAIT, WAIT!

I GOT IT.

I'LL GET IT.

WHAT HAPPENED AFTER YOU FOUND OUT ABOUT

THIS OTHER GIRL AND TONY?

BOBBY. TONY COMES AFTER BOBBY.

OH, SORRY.

WELL, IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ON THE ROAD.

HE'S GONE FOR SIX MONTHS WITH A PLAY, HE GETS LONELY.

THE ONLY TIME YOU HAVE A GOOD MARRIAGE

WHEN YOUR HUSBAND IS IN A FLOP.

HE'S BROKE, BUT HE'S HOME.

HOW DID YOU MEET TONY?

I'M ASHAMED TO TELL YOU.

WHY?

I SAW HIM IN THE ICEMAN COMETH.

HE WAS♪♪T VERY GOOD, BUT HE WAS GORGEOUS.

I COULD♪♪T TAKE MY EYES OFF OF HIM.

DO♪♪T ASK.

I WAITED UNTIL AFTER THE SHOW,

AND I INTRODUCED MYSELF,

LIKE A REGULAR GROUPIE.

A WEEK LATER, I MOVED IN WITH HIM.

I USED TO DO THINGS LIKE THAT.

WHY?

WELL, WHEN YOU DANCE IN MUSICALS,

THE BOYS' VOICES ARE USUALLY HIGHER THAN THE GIRLS.'

YOU GET HUNG UP ON MACHO MEN.

THANK GOD I'M OVER THAT PERIOD.

I'LL LET THAT REMARK PASS.

ARE WE GOING TO SLEEP WITH EACH OTHER TONIGHT?

OF ALL THE UP-FRONT GIRLS I KNOW,

YOU ARE THE RIGHT UP-FRONTEST.

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT IT?

NERVOUS.

A PUSHOVER, BUT NERVOUS.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

NO APPLAUSE, PLEASE.

WHAT'S NEW THIS MORNING?

NOTHING'S NEW THIS MORNING.

O KAY.

HEY DID YOU HEAR OF THIS KID LINDBERGH

WHO'S GOING TO TRY TO FLY THE ATLANTIC.

WHO DO YOU THINK IS GONNA PLAY IN THE MOVIE?

SHE DID♪♪T SLEEP WELL.

I GUESS NO ONE DID.

SEE YOU TONIGHT.

WE'VE BEEN FOUND OUT, HAVE WE?

I THOUGHT THE KID WAS ROOTING FOR US.

SHE DOES♪♪T LIKE TO BE CALLED "KID."

OH, SORRY. IN CHICAGO,

IT'S AN EXPRESSION OF ENDEARMENT.

LIKE HOW ARE YOU DOING, KID?

WHAT'S WRONG, KID?

NOTHING.

REALLY?

GLAD TO HEAR IT.

ANY BUTTERED TOAST?

SHE'S SCARED, THAT'S ALL.

LUCY, HUH?

SHE'S AFRAID WHAT HAPPENED BEFORE WILL HAPPEN AGAIN.

WHAT IS IT WITH YOU TWO, ARE YOU PARTNERS?

I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST YOU AND ME LAST NIGHT.

WHAT HAPPENS IN MY LIFE AFFECTS HERS,

AND I AM SCARED, TOO.

LISTEN, WOULD YOU BE TERRIBLY HURT

IF WE FORGET LAST NIGHT?

IT'S A LITTLE LATE, I'VE ALREADY ENTERED IN MY DIARY.

LOOK AT ME, I'M STANDING HERE WITH SWEATY PALMS,

AND MY HANDS ARE IN COLD WATER.

I DO♪♪T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

WHAT'S ON YOUR MIND?

INSTEAD OF ASKING, SO GOD DAMN MANY QUESTIONS

YOU COULD AT LEAST SAY TO ME LAST NIGHT WAS WONDERFUL.

LAST NIGHT WAS WONDERFUL.

OH, MY GOD, I MUST BE CRAZY.

I KEEP DOING THE SAME DAMN THING TO MYSELF

OVER AND OVER AGAIN. WHEN AM I EVER GONNA LEARN?

LISTEN, I AM NOT UP TO FALLING IN LOVE AGAIN.

IT'S TOO MUCH WORK.

I THINK WE WOULD ALL BE A WHOLE LOT BETTER OFF

IF YOU JUST LEFT.

NOTHING PERSONAL.

HEY! I THINK I HAVE A CLUE NOW AS TO WHY ALL THOSE GUYS LEFT.

CRACKERS! ANIMAL CRACKERS, LADY.

YOU GOT A SEVERE CASE

OF EMOTIONAL RETARDATION.

I'M NOT LEAVING, PAULA.

I'M ESCAPING.

I WILL PERSONALLY FORWARD YOUR MAIL.

KEEP IT.

I'M NOT GIVING YOU A FORWARDING ADDRESS.

LOTS OF WEIRDOES AROUND.

JUST IN PASSING,

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY THAT LAST NIGHT WAS TERRIFIC.

IT WAS THE SUPER BOWL OF ROMANCE.

I GIVE IT A FAT 9, ON A SCALE OF 10.

YOU LOSE ONE POINT FOR BURPING YOUR WINE.

IT WAS A VERY RESPECTABLE SCORE.

DO♪♪T YOU GET GLIB, ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

IT WAS VERY IMPORTANT TO ME.

YOU WANNA LOWER YOUR NEUROSIS, FOR ONE MINUTE I'M NOT FINISHED.

YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS?

WHAT?

YOU LOVE TO LOVE SOMEBODY,

BUT WHEN THEY TAKE THE INITIATIVE,

LIKE I DID LAST NIGHT,

THAT SCARES THE PANTS OFF YOU.

NOTHING OFF-COLOR INTENDED.

YOU DID♪♪T WAIT AT ANY STAGE DOOR FOR ME, YOU KNOW.

I APPROACHED FIRST.

I TOUCHED FIRST.

YOU CA♪♪T HANDLE THAT CAN YOU?

HE'S LAUGHABLE.

HA HA.

AND SILLY, YOU ARE A SILLY MAN.

YOU ARE THE SILLIEST MAN I EVER MET.

YOU KNOW THAT I'M RIGHT.

IF YOU DO♪♪T LET GOOF ME, I AM GONNA PUNCH YOUR OTHER EYE OUT.

YOU KNOW YOURSELF TOO WELL TO IGNORE WHAT I AM SAYING.

THAT'S WHY I'M TRYING TO IGNORE IT.

DESPITE THE FACT THAT YOU'RE ONE LARGE PAIN IN THE ARSE,

LAST NIGHT WAS THE BEST THING THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME.

IF YOU WERE♪♪T BEHAVING LIKE SUCH A HORSE'S RECTUM,

YOU'D KNOW THAT WE COULD BE TOUCHING AND FONDLING ALL DAY

TILL I GOT TO GO TO REHEARSAL.

PERSONALLY, MADAM, I THINK YOU BLEW IT.

LADY ANNE! LADY ANNE! THE BLACK PRINCE IS DEAD.

ENGLAND IS YOURS.

YOU DO♪♪T WANT ENGLAND? WOULD YOU TAKE SPAIN?

SPAIN I CAN GET YOU CHEAP.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN THAT THING?

COME ON. GET IN, QUICK. HORSE IS GOT A METER ON HIM.

WHERE TO?

WE'RE GOING HOME TO TARA. GET IN!

CYNTHIA FEIN, RIGHT?

I THINK YOU GOT CHARISMA, TOO.

LUCY, DID YOU TELL HIM? I NEVER SAID THAT.

I'M GONNA GET YOU LUCY, YOU BIG FINK!

WANT TO GO TO MY OPENING, TONIGHT?

I OWE YOU A GOOD TIME AFTER THE LAST ONE.

I HAVE HOMEWORK.

WHAT ARE YOU SORE ABOUT ME AND YOUR MOM?

IT'S NONE OF MY BUSINESS.

SINCE YOU AND I ARE EXCHANGING ROOMS TONIGHT,

I THINK IT IS. ONLY I'M A LITTLE OLD FASHION

I WANT YOUR APPROVAL.

ME? I'M ONLY 10.

I'M NOT ALLOWED TO VOTE YET.

I LIKE YOUR STYLE, KID I REALLY DO.

SORRY, YOU DO♪♪T LIKE TO BE CALLED "KID."

I'M A KID. IT FITS.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

YOU'RE WASTING A LOT OF MONEY, I'M NOT ENJOYING THIS RIDE.

ANSWER MY QUESTION. DO YOU LIKE ME?

ASK CYNTHIA FEIN. SHE'S CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

I'LL KEEP ASKING YOU, UNTIL YOU ANSWER ME.

DO YOU LIKE ME?

CAN I GET OUT? IM GETTING--

ANSWER MY QUESTION, YES OR NO?

IT MAKES NO DIFFERENCE TO ME, ONE WAY OR ANOTHER.

CAUSE I'M MOVING IN WITH YOUR OLD LADY ANYWAY.

I WANNA HEAR IT FROM YOUR OWN LIPS.

NOW YES OR NO?

NO.

YES.

WAS THAT A YES?

YES.

A REALLY, REALLY, REALLY LOT?

YES, ALRIGHT?

O KAY.

AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE ME,

IT'S NOT A THOUSANDTH AS MUCH

AS I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU. I SWEAR TO GOD LUCY.

YOU CAN CRY. I DO♪♪T CARE.

I'LL TELL YOU ANYWAY.

I AM CERTIFIABLY NUTS ABOUT YOU AND YOUR MOM.

BLOW THAT INTO YOUR HANDKERCHIEF.

I DO♪♪T HAVE ONE.

SO CRY ON THE HORSEY.

O KAY?

YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE

IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

MY VERY OWN LIVING ROOM SET.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A NICE FEELING

TO HEAR REAL PEOPLE APPLAUDING.

I TOOK THE NAMES, AND ADDRESSES

OF EVERYONE IN THE AUDIENCE.

THINK WE SHOULD HAVE THEM OVER FOR DINNER, REAL SOON.

WE DEFINITELY HAVE TO REPAINT THE BEDROOM, DO♪♪T YOU THINK?

WHAT?

I'M REDECORATING.

WHAT COLOR SHOULD WE PAINT THE BEDROOM?

SUCCESSFUL.

THAT'S GOOD.

SOMETHING IS WRONG.

IT DID♪♪T COME OUT RIGHT.

ELLIOT, WHAT'S WRONG WITH IT?

FIRST PLACE, IT'S NOT ON PARK AVENUE.

HOW MANY MORE WEEKS DO YOU HAVE TO PLAY

BEFORE I COULD GET AN ARMCHAIR?

FOR ONE WITHOUT ARMS, ABOUT A YEAR.

MAMA BEAR DID THE CAVE REAL NICE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

HEY.

I'M CRAZY ABOUT YOU.

I'M VERY FOND OF YOU MYSELF.

YOU HAVE SOME NICE QUALITIES.

LEAVE TUESDAY MORNING OPEN.

WHY, WHAT'S TUESDAY?

HOW DO BLOOD TESTS STRIKE YOU?

AAH!

FOUR STARS!

IT WAS A GREAT AUDIENCE.

A FOUR-STAR SHOW.

I WANNA TAKE THE SHOW HOME AND BOTTLE IT.

I WANT TO GO HOME AND SLEEP TILL WEDNESDAY.

HEY, ED, THERE IS NO AIR IN HERE.

I CA♪♪T DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.

GIVE THE ACTORS SOME AIR!

WE ARE HUMAN BEINGS,

NOT CATTLE!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE ACTORS!

YAY!

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE ACTORS.

HELLO.

WHO IS THAT?

HELLO. OLIVER FRY.

OLIVER FRY THE DIRECTOR?

I BELIEVE SO.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU.

OLIVER FRY-- WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO COME IN? HERE, UH...

YEAH, COME ON IN. HI.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.

HI, IT'S VERY NICE TO--

WE WO♪♪T KEEP YOU.

THERE WAS JUST ONE QUESTION

I WANTED TO ASK.

WOULD YOU BE INTERESTED IN A MOVIE?

YOU MEAN MAKING ONE?

OR WE COULD GO TO ONE,

BUT I THINK WORKING IS MUCH MORE FUN.

WITH YOU?

YES. YES, I'M-- I'M INTERESTED.

I AM, TOO.

ARE YOU KIDDING? HA HA HA HA.

CERTAINLY. YEAH, SURE. MM-HMM.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

YOU DID♪♪T LOCK YOURSELF OUT AGAIN, DID YOU?

LUCY, WHAT IS IT?

AT LEAST WE DID♪♪T GET A LETTER THIS TIME.

SENDING THAT STUFF TO THE LAUNDRY, I HOPE.

I GOT A PICTURE, PAULA.

I GOT A PICTURE, I GOT A MOVIE.

OH, SHIT.

TERRIFIC PICTURE. OLIVER FRY IS DIRECTING.

I GOT TO BE ON LOCATION IN SEATTLE TOMORROW.

SEATTLE, WASHINGTON.

I KNOW. IT'S FAR AWAY.

WHO CARES? I'M NOT WALKING.

THERE'S A FIRST-CLASS TICKET AT THE AIRPORT FOR ME.

FOUR WEEKS' WORK, $2,000 A WEEK.

I MEAN, IT'S FREAKING OLIVER FRY!

I DID♪♪T ASK WHAT THE PART WAS.

THAT'S WONDERFUL.

I'M NOT MAKING ANY COMPARISONS, YOU KNOW.

WHO EVER HEARD OF AL PACINO BEFORE THE GODFATHER?

I'M COULD♪♪T BE HAPPIER FOR YOU.

JESUS, I AM SO SCARED.

I SPENT 20 YEARS BUILDING UP MY EGO, AND WHEN I REALLY NEED IT

IT LOCKED IN THE JOHN.

IT WILL COME BACK TO YOU, TRUST ME.

WHAT'S WRONG?

IT'S ONLY FOUR WEEKS.

THAT'S ONE WEEK LESS THAN FIVE.

I KNOW.

OH, YOU DO♪♪T KNOW.

YOU THINK YOU'LL GET DUMPED ON AGAIN.

IF YOU SAY YOU'LL BE BACK,

WHY SHOULD♪♪T I BELIEVE YOU?

IF I WERE YOU, AND I SAW AN ACTOR PACKING,

I WOULD♪♪T BELIEVE HIM EITHER.

YOU NEED ANY HELP?

NO, I SEE YOU TOOK EVERYTHING.

WELL, THEY SAID IT WOULD BE FREEZING,

TAKE ALL MY WARM CLOTHING.

YOU KNOW I WOULD TAKE YOU IF I COULD,

BUT IT'S ROUGH COUNTRY UP THERE.

IT'S UP IN THE MOUNTAINS. THERE ARE WOLVES.

I DO♪♪T MEAN IN THE MOVIE, EITHER.

I MEAN REAL HUNGRY WOLVES.

I ALWAYS GOT ALONG WITH WOLVES.

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE EXCITED. JUMPING UP AND DOWN.

IT'S WHAT I'VE WORKED FOR MY WHOLE LIFE.

IS♪♪T THAT WHAT A MATURE RELATIONSHIP IS ALL ABOUT.

I ROOT FOR YOU, YOU ROOT FOR ME.

IT'S MY THIRD TIME UP AS CHEERLEADER.

OKAY, OKAY! I GET THE POINT.

FORGET IT. I'M NOT GOING.

IT'S NOT WORTH IT

NOT IF IT MEANS I GOTTA PUT YOU THROUGH FOUR WEEKS OF HELL

WONDERING WHETHER I'M COMING BACK OR NOT, FORGET IT.

IT'S JUST A JOB, RIGHT? HELL WITH IT.

IF I GOT THIS JOB, I CAN GET ANOTHER JOB.

I'M NOT GONNA GO, OKAY?

THE HELL I WO♪♪T GO! THAT'S CRAZY.

THAT'S A DUMB STUPID THING TO DO, BECAUSE YOU DO♪♪T TRUST ME.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TRUST ME PAULA, DO YOU TRUST ME?

I'LL PLAN MY DAYS AROUND IT.

I HATE THOSE GUYS THAT WALKED OUT OF HERE, I HATE THEM.

I'M THE ONE THAT'S COMING BACK, AND I'M GETTING ALL THE BLAME.

NO. YOU GO, ELLIOT.

I WANT YOU TO GO.

IF YOU COME BACK, FINE. I'LL BE HERE PUTTING UP MY WALLPAPER.

IF NOT, THAT'S OKAY, TOO.

I'LL MISS YOU.

BUT I'LL SURVIVE BECAUSE I'VE GROWN UP

THESE LAST COUPLE MONTHS.

LOOK AT ME. I'M ALL GROWN UP.

IT WAS BETTER THAN SUMMER CAMP.

I NEVER FELT, BETTER OR STRONGER.

SOMEONE IS WALKING OUT THAT DOOR,

AND I'M NOT CRUMBLING INTO A MILLION PIECES.

WELL, JESUS, IT REALLY DOES FEEL GOOD.

GOOD-BYE, ELLIOT.

MAKE A NICE MOVIE, A WONDERFUL CAREER.

IF YOU'RE EVER UP FOR AN ACADEMY AWARD,

I PROMISE YOU, I'LL KEEP MY FINGERS CROSSED FOR YOU.

WHAT IS IT ABOUT YOU THAT MAKE'S A MAN WITH A 147 I.Q.

FEEL LIKE A DRIBBLING IDIOT?

I DO♪♪T KNOW, BUT WHATEVER IT IS I THANK GOD FOR IT.

[THUNDER]

YOU'RE WELCOME, GOD.

INTERESTING LESSON I'M LEARNING.

REALLY INTERESTING.

THIS COULD BE THE FALLING IN LOVE AND BECOMING SUCCESSFUL

IS PROBABLY THE WORST THING THAT COULD EVER HAPPEN TO A GUY.

IF MY PLANE CRASHES IN THE STORM, I'M COMING BACK HERE.

I MEAN IT. I MEAN IT.

YOU'LL BE DRAGGING CHAINS AROUND THIS APARTMENT WHEN YOU'RE 90.

SO LONG, KID.

I'LL SEE YOU, KID.

I CA♪♪T SLEEP.

GIVE IT FIVE MINUTES.

YOU JUST GOT INTO BED.

I CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE.

YEAH?

HOW ABOUT PREDICTING MINE?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I CAN PREDICT THE PHONE RINGING.

[RING]

HELLO.

GET DRESSED.

WHAT?

GET DRESSED, YOU'RE COME WITH ME.

WHERE ARE YOU?

ON THE CORNER, IN MY OLD, LEAKY PHONE BOOTH.

OH, ELLIOT! ELLIOT!

THE PLANE HAD ENGINE TROUBLE, WE'RE DELAYED TWO HOURS.

I CASTED IN FIRST-CLASS FOR TWO ECONOMIES.

WHAT DO I DO ABOUT LUCY?

DO♪♪T WORRY ABOUT LUCY.

CALL DONNA, SHE CAN STAY WITH HER, TILL WE GET BACK.

COME ON, PAULA THE CAB IS TICKING AWAY YOUR BEDROOM SET.

I THOUGHT I COULD♪♪T COME WITH YOU.

I'LL TELL THEM YOU'RE MY ANALYST.

AND YOU REALLY WANT ME TO COME?

OH, JESUS YOU SURE LOVE A LOVE SCENE.

YEAH, I WANT YOU TO COME.

OH, THEN IT'S OKAY, I DO♪♪T HAVE TO!

JUST AS LONG AS YOU ASKED!

PAULA, DO♪♪T PLAY GAMES.

MY SOCKS ARE UNDER WATER.

NO, YOU HAVE ENOUGH WORK

WITHOUT WORRYING ABOUT ME.

BESIDES, I HAVE WORK TO DO.

I AM GOING TO BE SPENDING YOUR MONEY

ON OUR APARTMENT. I AM NUTS ABOUT YOU.

I HOPE I'M CALLING THE RIGHT NUMBER.

WILL YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

ANYTHING, MY ANGEL.

HAVE MY GUITAR RESTRUNG.

OOH!

HE LEFT HIS GUITAR!

HE IS COMING BACK.

I NEVER DOUBTED IT.

WAIT. OH, MY GOD!

ELLIOT, ELLIOT!

ELLIOT, WAIT!

I HAVE IT, SWEETHEART.

HAVE A SAFE TRIP.

I LOVE YOU!

NEVER MIND THAT, YOU'RE RUSTING MY GUITAR.

♪♪ ALL YOUR LIFE YOU'VE WAITED ♪♪

♪♪ FOR LOVE TO COME AND STAY ♪♪

♪♪ AND NOW THAT I HAVE FOUND YOU ♪♪

N" YOU MUST NOT SLIP AWAY ♪♪

♪♪ I KNOW IT'S HARD BELIEVING ♪♪

♪♪ THE WORDS YOU'VE HEARD BEFORE ♪♪

♪♪ BUT, DARLING, YOU MUST TRUST THEM JUST ONCE MORE ♪♪

II BECAUSE, BABY, GOOD-BYE DOES♪♪T MEAN FOREVER ♪♪

II LET ME TELL YOU GOOD-BYE DOES♪♪T MEAN ♪♪

♪♪ WE'LL NEVER BE TOGETHER AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ IF YOU WAKE UP AND I'M NOT THERE ♪♪

♪♪ I WO♪♪T BE LONG AWAY ♪♪

♪♪ 'CAUSE THE THINGS YOU DO ♪♪

♪♪ MY GOOD-BYE GIRL H"

♪♪ WILL BRING ME BACK TO YOU ♪♪

♪♪ I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN TAKEN ♪♪

♪♪ AFRAID TO HURT AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ YOU FIGHT THE LOVE YOU FEEL FOR ME ♪♪

♪♪ INSTEAD OF GIVING IN ♪♪

♪♪ BUT I CAN WAIT FOREVER ♪♪

♪♪ I'M HELPING YOU TO SEE ♪♪

♪♪ THAT I WAS MEANT FOR YOU AND YOU FOR ME ♪♪

♪♪ SO REMEMBER GOOD-BYE DOES♪♪T MEAN FOREVER ♪♪

♪♪ LET ME TELL YOU GOOD-BYE ♪♪

♪♪ DOES♪♪T MEAN WE'LL NEVER BE TOGETHER AGAIN ♪♪

♪♪ THOUGH WE MAY BE SO FAR APART ♪♪

♪♪ WE STILL HAVE GONE FAR ♪♪

♪♪ SO FORGET YOUR PAST, MY GOOD-BYE GIRL ♪♪

N 'CAUSE NOW YOU'RE HOME AT LAST MN