Original subtitles

New York Shakespeare festival

- Jack Noah. - For "Richard ll" or "all's well"?

- "Richard". - For...

- The king. - Jack? Jack?

- Jack? - Toby.

Where the hell have you been, man? I saw Phyllis last week.

She said you disappeared. She thought you were the victim of foul play.

I was, I was. You got a lozenge or something?

I expected to see you at the Neil Simon casting call. Perfect part for you.

The neurotic nephew who never leaves his room.

- Who got the part? - Mandy patinkin.

- Fuck him. - Here's a lozenge. Swiss.

- Great, thanks. - You know Desmond feree, don't you?

Yeah, yeah. Desmond, Desmond.

I saw you in "endgame", last year. You were incredible.

- Thank you. - No, I'm serious. You're incredible.

I saw you in "Evita", and on TV and stuff.

I like your work, Jack Noah.

- We oughta hire each other. - Hey, man.

Didn't you go out of the country to do a movie?

Yeah. Hey, the Shepherd play. How'd it go?

Shit. Fake art.

- How long were you gone? - A year.

- A year? What a gig! - Weird job. Weird job.

So what else is new?

I was a nubian space slave last week...

With an aluminum foil jockstrap.

Remember when I played a sperm and I begged for that part?

It was your best work.

I had the look of the sperm, tought like a sperm...

And you still look like a sperm and think like a sperm.

- They wouldn't hire me. - No black sperm.

- So what was the part? - Well...

- It's really hard to talk about. - Porno?

No!

It's just you're not gonna believe it, that's all.

Come on, I'm trained to believe and understand.

Well, if you ever see the moon over parador...

If you ever see it floating over the Gulf of sorrows...

Or smell the gardenias in the air...

See the sunlight...

On the red tiles of the rooftops...

And you happen to be with a warm woman...

You'll never forget it.

Never.

- You gotta go now. - No. I won't leave you.

It's our only hope.

Okay. I'll leave. But I'll wait.

Get outta here.

Cut the playback. Okay, folks, that's a cut! Wrap!

Don't forget the wrap party at the hotel parador.

- "Blood on the Plaza" is now a wrap. - Could I do it one more time? A quick one.

It was mechanically okay, but inside it's not very good.

Look, before the light goes.

No more light. The light is gone. Jack, great. See you in the screening room.

Your stunt was great, Clint.

It was pretty smooth. Looks like the dictator loved it.

He's very good.

I could've done it a lot better, you know? You know?

Relax. You're great.

- Could I do it one more time? - Please, Jack. Forget it.

One quick one! There's light! I can see you!

So sweet.

- Very realistic. - Thank you, Mr. president.

- Excellent directing. - Thank you, Mr. president.

Wonderful actor.

Thank you very much. I appreciate it, sir.

Wonderful. You're a wonderful actress.

Thank you, Mr. president. Thank you.

- Thank you very much. - Wonderful.

You know, you should see him do you.

Do me?

- He does the greatest impersonation of you. - No, no, no, no.

- Come on, Jack. You can do it. - It's not very good.

- He's being modest. - Come on, Jack. Go for it.

- Please, I would really not... - Let me be the judge. Please.

Can I speak to you for a moment, please? I'm gonna kill you.

I had to do something. He was gonna pinch my ass.

Or worse!

You've slept with every guy on this crew. Why not the dictator of the country?

He's a foreigner.

Could I borrow your cap, sir?

Certainly.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. I want you to know, by the way...

I'm doing this with the greatest respect. I've got a great admiration for you.

I've seen you a lot on TV.

I'm gonna kill you slowly.

I'm gonna break every bone in your body.

People of parador, I love you.

I love you as a man loves a beautiful woman.

You're a wonderful country! I love your mountains...

And your valleys. I want to swim in your rivers.

He's very funny.

He's very funny.

He's a hell of an actor.

- You're good, kid. - All right, Jack.

Thank you.

I'm going to vote blue.

Vote for who you want. This is a free dictatorship.

Can I get five of these, in large?

Hey, Jackie? Jackie!

Hey, Ralph!

What's the deal? When are you headed back? What's happening? Where're you off to?

I got a flight out tomorrow.

Listen. Just cool it. Stick around. You don't wanna miss that carnival.

- It's a fun sucker. - You've been down here a long time.

When I retired from the military, i went over to ocala, Florida...

And bought a trailer. And it gotta kinda close. It got expensive, crowded.

So midge and I, the little woman, we sold out everything...

And moved down here to parador. Bought a little bungalow up in the heights...

Some fruit trees, full-time maid.

It's kind of a secret paradise.

I'd like to stay, but I think it's best that i get back to NY...

And start hustling.

Do yourself a favor.

Take time out to smell the roses.

So you're retired, is that it?

Hell, no. Are you kidding? I got a couple of businesses.

One, I'm into hammocks. A whole bunch of hammocks.

Here you go. Thought I was gonna stiff you. Here, take it all.

"Salud".

I'm in a couple of businesses. Hammocks, as I told you.

They can make the best hemp hammocks in the world down here.

Let's shoot in here, get a couple of tall ones, okay?

- Hi, captain, how are you? - How are you?

Por favor, is it safe to eat the lettuce here?

Yes. Yes, madam, sir.

I import fungicides for the coffee boys...

And I import air conditioning parts...

Keeps me alert.

Keeps me on the go. This isn't a bad place...

For broads, and the chow's outta sight.

See the chick in red?

Not a pro. You can crack walnuts on her ass.

This clown is gay. Look at him.

Looks like he's an army dude. He isn't. It's a cover up.

Samuel?

A couple poonas and a lot of ice. Lots of ice, you understand?

Yes, sir!

Don't say, "yes, sir". I mean a lot of ice, and I mean it this time.

Okay.

I'll tell you something. You gotta really kick ass around here.

I don't know what it is, but these people just don't catch on, understand?

Midge?

I want you to meet somebody.

Honey? Midge? Remember Jack Noah, the actor?

Remember that daytime soap opera you used to watch? "Life's patch".

It's Lance farrington!

I don't know if I should shake that hand or not.

He raped five women on that show.

You need to do your nails.

Shut up, Ralph.

Shall we sit down?

- Thank you. - Sure.

- You are a real fan. - You're much handsomer in person.

- A little sauced. - Thank you.

- She drinks in the morning. - Your "poonas", gentlemen.

I love that they all speak English.

Thanks to Saint Reggie. Wasn't a real Saint.

This place actually was founded by the spaniards.

Slaves from the lvory coast and Indians.

There was an English pirate came in here and really took over.

In order to keep the peace, he took 3 wives...

A senorita, a black and an Indian.

You see a lot of people here named Simms...

Including his excellency, the dictator.

Look here. Right up here.

You know who that is?

That's Madonna Mendez, the dictator's girlfriend.

Is that not a piece of ass?

Look at the Hooters. Hard as little rocks.

I met the dictator. He visited the set.

He's got a lot of charisma. That dude is heavy.

Good looking.

The people love him.

And I'm gonna tell you something. As long as alphonse Simms is alive...

Those goddamn guerrillas don't stand a chance.

I'd better go pack.

These things are quite a wallop, don't they?

Now I see what you're doing.

- I'm just a phone call away. - Thanks a lot.

I'm just a horny old broad.

It's nice to meet you, midge.

You lush. You wanted to hump him.

Blow it out your ear, Ralph.

All those poonas are paralyzing your mind.

What time leaves the bus from parador?

Tomorrow at 9 A.M.

I might to go to the stern agency.

Stern? It's too big. You'll get lost.

- Peter mishkan is there. - Mishkan's out.

Mishkan's out?

I'll see you in the city, doll. Bye, Clint.

- See you, Jenny. - Mishkan is out?

We had fun.

We really did, Clint. How many times have you killed me?

This is number four. You die good, Jack.

When are you leaving?

My flight is tomorrow, but I may stay for carnival.

And you?

I got a Burt Reynolds shoot in new Mexico.

- It starts Tuesday. - Anything in it for me?

You know Burt. It's all stunts and broads.

What are you talking about? I just fell off a building!

He loved me in "Evita".

- I'll tell him hi for you. - Listen to me.

I'm out of work 3 minutes...

And I'm already going crazy. I need a psychiatrist.

Stick around. Have a good time.

I'll relax, read a book.

If you're in L.A., call me. I'm in the book.

L.A. is better for work, right?

- Lots of TV. - And TV is better than it was, right?

- You were fabulous, Jack. - Thank you, thank you.

Did you hear Peter mishkan left the stern agency?

- Who? - Forget it. Nothing.

Did you hear Peter mishkan left the stern agency?

- Do you know him? - Anybody here?

I love you.

I love you, Sammy!

I love you! Thank you.

Hey, Sammy! Jack Noah, from the big apple!

Jack, what do you know! Look who's here!

I thought you would decide to stay.

Isn't it festive?

Let's go to the red zone, where the real partying is.

Over there! Over there!

I don't care if the bastard is dictator.

- I hate road hog. - Watch your language, Ralph.

Shut up!

- They really love me. - Without question.

I think I need a steak. A nice, big, juicy steak.

Carlo, poona beach club.

After that... I think I need my Madonna.

I'll send a car.

Roberto, I've been thinking.

Perhaps I ought to marry her.

It would be the greatest carnival of them all.

Impossible.

That makes it more desirable.

We've know each other a long time.

A very long time. I tell you with all respect that this girl...

We have to be careful.

The people love her because she's one of them.

- They see the romance. - That's right.

Marriage is another matter. The 14 families would never approve.

It's all your fault. I met her in your damn club!

You must admit, she's a hell of a dancer.

She's almost a prostitute! It's what she is!

Think about other things! You're meeting with the archbishop...

As well as the new Russian ambassador is presenting his credentials!

Your speech...

On Saint Reginald's day must be strong, confident!

Your excellency? Alphonse!

Drunken bastard!

I wanna make love with you.

Come here.

- Carlo, take the feet. - He's so heavy.

He can't drink anymore. His liver is totally damaged.

Excuse me, excuse me. Sorry.

Where is the hotel parador?

- Straight on, man. Straight on. - Thank you.

- Got some silver? - I don't got shit.

Don't be hostile, americano!

No, please!

I've been mugged already! No, no. You don't understand!

- Get in there! Get in! - Please! Please!

Please! I'm just an actor! My name is Jack Noah.

I swear, I'm just an actor!

Come!

Come in, please. Sit down.

- What's going on? - Do you want something to eat?

I want out of here, pal.

Did you understand what I said?

Call the American embassy.

I'm a well-known American actor.

- Not that well-known. - What are you, a critic?

But you're very talented.

Look...

I happen to be late for some appointments...

Back in New York City. I'm up for the lead in "Anna christie".

I read that play when i was at Harvard.

I didn't like it. Besides, you're not right for it.

You went to Harvard?

Really?

Boston college.

I like Boston. Modern, but old.

You went to Harvard...

You must know you got the wrong guy.

I'm an actor. My name is Jack Noah.

- I got the right guy. - Do you?

Okay.

- What's going on? - Can you dance?

Absolutely. I'm terrific. First rate.

Good. I got a part for you to play.

A part for me?

Who are you casting agents, the gestapo?

You! You're a funny guy!

No. This is a very serious part.

Every part is serious.

No matter how small the role...

Every part is serious.

You know Wayne Newton?

Yeah. I think he's great.

I feel a little better.

You know, I was a little nervous. I didn't understand.

I didn't know if I was getting a cattle prod in the balls or what.

Come on.

Come on, come on.

Funny, funny.

It's just like a scene in a movie...

Where they're torturing you for information...

You just don't have!

So what's your name?

- Roberto. Roberto straussmann. - Roberto straussmann. Right.

So, what's the part, sr. Straussmann?

I hope you're not a vegetarian.

Japanese beef.

Omaha beef.

Alphonse Simms.

That's... that's the dictator.

- Is he dead? - Very dead.

What happened?

Heart attack. Too many damn poonas.

What's going on here?

Is this some kind of paradorian funeral?

No, no.

- Don't say what you're thinking. - Aren't you an actor?

- This is a real guy! - So was Richard III. Henry v.

Olivier played them convincingly.

This is a real man!

You did a good impersonation on the set.

It was a 2-minute bit. You're crazy.

I want out.

Have some confidence! New York times!

"Jack Noah gave a fresh dimension to Richard ii."

I was good.

Can I see?

- Thank you. - But then...

"Newcomer Jack Noah seemed utterly lost as Bradley".

Bad play. And the director was on coke.

This is a great play.

You have the review when I played biff?

- No, I'm sorry. - The city center production...

It's not important.

It said I was "resonant and ferocious".

That I "devoured the stage".

Let me ask you a question. Why are you doing this?

Why not have a cremation...

And a day of mourning?

Parador's at a delicate moment in it's history.

For the dictator to die...

Is a shock. It would be chaos.

He can't live forever.

We need time to plan the transition.

You would save lives. This is the part of a lifetime.

Besides, it's only for a day or two.

- You want me to be an impostor. - The essence of the stage!

Isn't your real name Noah blumburg?

Haven't you assumed a new identity?

But Simms was so much taller than me.

No problem. He wore four-inch lifts.

He had darker hair.

Fortunately, our dictator was vain.

- I'd need some dark makeup. - This...

Is the makeup case of parador's greatest actor...

Liano boule. He died about 20 minutes ago.

What about his voice? It was much lower than mine.

- When do I start? - Now.

- It won't work, straussmann. - Why...

Are the actors so much like children?

They need the caress... The compliments.

Then they need the whip, the scolding, the orders:

You will do it!

I'm going to mingle with my customers. It's important that I show myself.

When I come back, i expect to see my president.

Why didn't you get de niro? Or Hoffman?

Not available!

I'd cut off my arms to work with Robert De Niro and Dustin Hoffman!

They always say that about de niro and Hoffman.

- Good evening. - Where if his excellency?

Delayed.

Who is it tonight?

State secrets.

I want you to take this and go to the back office.

And you see this, you tear it off like that and you come out screaming, all right?

Listen to me!

You will do it, all right?

- All right? - Okay.

What happened? I'm freezing!

I think I fell asleep in the meat locker.

Bravo.

On Bobby de niro

- good evening, my presidente. - Good evening, old friend.

Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms!

To the airport! Hurry!

To the palace, Carlo. Please, don't joke.

These boots are killing me.

- I almost fainted in there. - Did you see them at the club? Did you hear them?

What? Two hundred drunks in the dark? What about the personal staff?

What about the secretaries?

I would be amazed if they said anything.

- Somebody's gonna know. - Knowing and saying are two different things.

Somebody's gonna know, and somebody's gonna say something.

- Somebody'll sing like a canary! - You know, we eat canaries in parador.

We're coming to the palace. Practice the salute.

- With the right hand! - I'm a lefty!

Not anymore!

Not like that. With a flip.

- With a flip, okay. - That's right, that's right.

- You must learn it. - I'm flipping!

Alphonse loved to salute! Perfect!

You have a big speech soon.

- When? - Tomorrow.

That's impossible! I need rehearsal time.

All up!

Oy vay iz mir.

Now we come to your entourage.

All up!

Alejandro is your valet.

Alejandro.

Madame loop is your maid.

Dieter Lopez is your secretary.

Gunther feldman is your barber...

And his daughter magda is your manicurist.

Should I draw your bath, sir?

No, thank you.

- Alejandro. - Alejandro.

- Should I undress you? - No.

No, thank you, Alejandro. I think I need the exercise.

Your excellency.

- Good night, sir. - Good night.

- I think he knew. - No, you're very good.

When do I get the speech?

- Tomorrow. We can rehearse. - Thank you.

It's been difficult, but you seem more relaxed.

Well...

What the hell.

I'll get you some videotapes of Simms.

So, tomorrow...

I do the speech, and that'll be that, right?

Precisely. Good night, my president.

Good night, my chief of secret police.

Auf wiedersehen!

Auf wiedersehen!

You're a funny guy.

That's funny with the auf wiedersehen thing.

What a psychotic.

I must get outta here. Call the American embassy.

Helo? Hello?

Hello? This is your dictator speaking.

Your nightcap, your excellency.

Thank you.

- Good night, your excellency. - Good night, Alejandro.

To alphonse.

Poor bastard.

Breakfast, your excellency.

A delicious breakfast, your excellency.

We have your favorite blood sausages this morning.

Enjoy.

Your excellency. Your morning bath, your excellency.

Beautiful bath today, sir.

This way.

Mr. Lopez would like to see you this morning if he may.

Who's that?

- Who's that? - Dieter Lopez.

Your bath.

Over there.

Thank you.

Look at this stuff.

Butter and cream cheese. No wonder he's dead.

- Good morning. Sleep well? - What did you put in my drink?

- You mickeyed it, right? - I forgot to tell you.

Alphonse had a sleeping potion every night.

He had insomnia. He's a nervous man.

I wonder why. When do I get my sides?

- Sides? - The script.

The speech, goddamn it!

Don't curse. Alphose never cursed.

He's elegant, charming. Sit up straight.

Laught.

Wrong!

More. Fuller. Fuller.

Alphonse loved to laught. That's better.

- I love to laught. Love it! - Like that.

- Your excellency. - Who sent for you?

- His excellency. - Mr. Lopez...

Dieter.

These documents need your signature.

- He must read them. - But of course.

Leave us!

But they're urgent. It's for the new dam.

Damn the dam! Get out!

Maricon.

I've videotapes of Simms' speeches for you to study.

I'll rehearse with you later.

- Mr. straussmann. - Please, call me Roberto.

Roberto.

Yes, Roberto, thank you so much.

I'll, Roberto. I think...

I'm giving a very superficial performance.

It's very shallow. You know what I mean?

It's very cardboard.

It's what we call in N.Y. A result-oriented performance.

And...

- I just can't do it. - Get me through today.

- Roberto! - Or I'll kill you.

- You'd make a good director. - Thank you.

My fellow paradorians...

I come to you...

In an hour of great national mouring.

Let me assure you...

That the cowardly murder of Felix carbone...

Parador's greatest athlete...

- And my trusted advisor... - My trusted advisor.

- Won't go unrevenged. - My trusted advisor.

Not only was he a great tennis player...

Great tennis player.

He was a man of great charm and loyalty.

And who're his murderers?

The same nest of radical poets and toothless bohemians.

I hope he makes a short speech today.

- Good day, your excellency. - Beautiful day.

Wonderful day for a good speech. Clear sky, happy people.

Reminds me of nuremberg.

I don't want hot towels today.

Jawohl, mein führer.

My fellow paradorians...

My brothers and sisters...

- You're my sons and daughters... - Your excellency.

- What!? What!? What's it!? - Can I help you?

Can't you see I'm trying to prepare?

- But your excellency... - To get ready.

I beg your forgiveness for the intrusion.

It's all right, Alejandro.

I think that the sleeping potion you're giving me is making me a little irritable.

- I'll reduce it. - Eliminate it.

Yes, sir.

That'll be all, Alejandro.

My fellow paradorians, you're my brothers and sisters...

My sons and daughters... My sons and daughters...

- It's not him. - Of course it's not.

The walk's different.

- The eyes, too innocent. - The hands of a peasant.

- Say it. A Jew. - You think, papa?

- It's a trick. - We should tell someone.

- Why? - Roberto's involved.

Absolutely.

So opening your mouth's a good way to get killed.

I don't care who I serve.

When they say he's a dictator and he acts it...

Who cares? Why rock the boat?

I don't wanna lose my job.

Papa doesn't wanna be in an Israeli court.

In two years, I retire and go to my farm in Chile.

Let us play out the charade.

Where ignorance's bliss, 'tis folly to be wise.

The dictator is the dictator... Is the dictator.

All up!

Archbishop aurelio Lopez. Old, but cunning.

General kurtzinaldo. Tough, dependable, psychotic.

Umberto soler. President of the general assembly. A moron.

He suspended the general assembly

two years ago and ruled by decree under a state of siege.

- Why did they do that? - National security matters.

I don't feel well.

Do you get stage fright?

Always. Don't talk about it.

- What's he drill? - First the orchestra plays the national anthem.

- How does that go? - You have to know. You have to sing it.

I only know "god bless America", pal!

Too late.

Paradorians.

We are a family...

Of the same soul

you are my brothers...

And... and... my sisters. You are my sons...

And my daughters.

You are my nieces...

And my nephews.

We have struggled in the past together...

And we have struggled in the future to overcome.

But as your father...

I promise to be faithful to your trust.

And as your son...

I promise to learn from you advice...

And from your tears.

The unity...

Of this family...

Is sacred.

And those... who would destroy such unity...

I say: Beware.

You will be crushed.

Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms!

Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms!

We must dream...

The impossible dream.

We must fight...

The unbeatable foe.

We must reach...

The unreachable star...

Until the days dwindle down to a precious few.

God bless you. Long live parador!

Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms!

Simms! Simms! Simms! Simms!

We have a hit!

All hup!

- You were magnificent. - I went for it.

Thank you. You're so kind...

Thank you!

The last part, "man of la mancha", right?

Yeah, I hope you didn't mind. I tought the speech needed a close.

Like a solid... Do you think I should take another bow?

No! Always leave them wanting more.

You're right. You're absolutely right. You'd make a very good director.

I always hate it when they take too many curtains calls.

Thanks you so much. Thank you thank you very much,

thank you, thank you.

- Boy! Was it always like that? - You surpassed it!

Boy, you know, I could do better, but as long as I'm little more relaxed.

Your greatest speech, your excellency.

Do you really think so, Alejandro?

Yes, sir! Would you like a refreshment?

I would like a diet coke,

- whatever you wish, your excellency. - Thank you. Thank you.

Alphonse never drank sodas. Only "poonas".

Really? Really? I'm putting alphonse on a diet.

For his health.

Great idea! I like it! Lmprovisation, huh?

- Yes! Make him thinner! - We make a great team!

Your drink your excellency. Diet Pepsi. No coke.

Thank you. I think we should stock up on some lo-Cal yogurt.

- Plain or flavored? - The kind with the fruit on the bottom.

- Yes, your excellency. - Thank you.

To alphonse.

I took a chance, and it worked. The cameras didn't come too close.

Soon, everyone will have forgotten the old alphonse...

That miserable alcoholic.

He could be better than alphonse.

More energy, less family bullshit.

Precisely. We write his part and he plays it.

- How's the steak? - Very good.

What about Madonna? She could ruin everything.

I've already suggested to her that she leave the country. Go to Miami.

With her ass, she could make a good living in Miami.

If she refuses?

- Parador. For profit and Christ. - For profit and Christ.

May we rot in hell if these secrets leave this chamber.

Saint Reggie, help us. To the 14 families. Amen.

Hello, darling. I had to bribe Alejandro to let me in.

Don't tell Roberto, that bastard!

But you know me. I had to find out the truth.

Do you know what Roberto told me? He said I had to leave.

He'd send me to Miami and put me in a condo there.

Me, in Miami?

I said I wouldn't go. I asked if he talked to you.

He says, "of course".

And it's your wish that i leave for my own safety, blah, blah.

So I said to myself...

"Madonna, you and phonse have a good relationship. More...

It's a friendship".

So if you want me to leave for some reason...

You tell me yourself! Don't send that fucking rat!

If you tell me to go, I'll go...

And ask no questions. It must be something political I don't understand.

- Did you talk to him? - No, I didn't!

I knew it!

Honey?

You're gonna have to be a little tougher with him.

Despite whatever he tells you...

And the other jackasses, he needs you.

Without you, they're totally exposed.

Really. So, honey...

You gave a wonderful speech today.

Very, very emotional. That's why Roberto needs you.

We paradorians are so romantic.

It make us fools and drives me crazy.

We're more than lovers. Let's face it, honey.

You're so decadent.

You really love me because I dance good.

Sex you can get anywhere.

But a friend who can dance...

Who are you?

My name is Jack Noah.

- I'm an actor. - You're an actor?

You should get an Oscar for tonight. Very good.

Thank you. That's very nice of you.

What are you doing here? Where's phonse?

I'm playing the dictator.

Phonse's dead.

Phonse's dead?

Poor bastard.

- Who did it? Roberto? - No. Well, I don't...

They said he had a heart attack.

Heart attack! Too many poonas.

You loved him.

In a fashion. We're friends.

He's so dumb and so sweet.

I'm sorry.

So...

When're you...

Gonna leave for Miami?

I'm not.

Isn't that dangerous?

To be alive's dangerous.

I can help you play the part.

I knew phonse better than anyone.

You tell that to Roberto.

Why would you want to help me?

Why should I go to Miami...

And work in a cocktail bar or sell cosmetics in saks?

I'd rather be the dictator's mistress.

- But the dictator's dead. - I don't think so.

You hardly know me.

I know a dictator when I see one.

Madonna helped me with the character.

She gave me specific expressions and gestures.

What's a pochooto?

Pork and guacamole.

My "pochooto" is beginning to hurt.

Mostly, I did ceremonial things.

I learned real fast how sweet power was.

They exposed me to the press.

But they never let them get too close.

Do you know anything about the loan, Mr. president?

Are you gonna help with the contras, Mr. president?

How do you feel about Panama?

I made speeches on TV signifying absolutely nothing.

You know...

I've recently lost...

20 unneeded and unwanted pounds.

So, as your leader...

I have been inspired to lead this nation...

To a happier and healthier existence.

Now our paradorian diet is tasty...

Yes, but it's dangerous.

Wich's why parador leads the world...

In heart disease and amoebic dysentery.

This food can kill you.

So, let's warm up and do some aerobics.

1 and 2 and 3 and 4.

1 and 2 and 3 and 4.

That's it, that's it, that's it, that's it.

That's it. That's it.

1 and 2 and 3 and 4. Everybody.

1 and 2 and 3 and 4. Down and stretch. Down...

1 and 2 and 3 and 4. 1 and 2 and 3 and 4.

1 and 2 and 3 and 4. 1 and 2 and 3 and 4.

It's good, yes?

It's easy, yes?

- So I was dancing through it. - Good.

Literally. And falling for Madonna each day.

Hips now. The hips.

The hips. Very good gringo hips.

Hands. Good.

Hands. Great. Beautiful.

Great.

Perfect.

Hold me.

My back.

- You said you could dance. - I lied. Anything to get a job.

Very good.

- Was alphonse really such a good dancer? - It's his best talent.

- He really loved you? - He said so.

You're getting to me, too.

Don't overact.

So why haven't you called? It's been months.

Forgive me.

I've been busy.

Not too busy for Madonna Mendez.

Don't look surprised.

I'm surprised you're jealous.

I'm not jealous. I'm disgusted.

She's not worthy of you.

You're blushing.

You said you loved me. You adored me.

- And I do. - You wanted to be with me forever.

You're always in my dreams.

- You deceived me. - How did I do that?

You've done it with all the others...

But it won't work with me.

No. No.

You...

- You're divine. - Yes, I am.

But I know as many tricks...

As your low-class whore.

You're lovely when you're angry.

Senorita...

- Your excellency. - Thank you so much.

It's time for you to get married.

- Your mother loves me. - So she tells me.

You can't play Casanova forever.

People are talking.

Call me when you're serious...

Your excellency.

Thank you for the dance.

Roberto.

- I wanna go home now. - Whatever you say.

The alcoholic wants to be first lady.

Lulu?

Not a bad choice. An engagement would divert the public...

With a festive wedding later.

No way.

By the way, do I have a mother?

Of course. And consequently, i must inform you...

She arrives from her Paris shopping trip...

Tomorrow at three.

- She'll know I'm not her son. - Don't worry.

She has cataracts and some memory loss.

You've never been friendly.

What do I call this lady?

Momma.

- Momma. - Don't "momma" me!

You do look thinner. Everyone said you had lost weight.

I thought you'd contracted syphillis like your uncle Orlando.

How was your trip?

Everything's ruined by repetition. Even Paris.

I bought some excellent caviar...

On the rue de rivoli.

Don't worry. I'm not staying long.

- You're welcome here, dear momma. - I know you don't like me. Who cares?

Your father and I had a child and we hated each other.

Please, listen to me.

I love you. No matter what has happened before...

I love you as only a son can love a mother.

You're my mother and I love you.

Merde to love!

Come, Antonio. Watch those fox furs, you swine!

Love!

How long will the president swim?

Maybe 10 minutes, maybe all day.

We came from mt. Pochooto to swim.

Who cares? I don't care where you came from!

No swimming until the president's done. Understand?

- Yes, sir. - Okay.

Look at this. It's the Sunday New York times.

The New York times. God.

One day in N.Y. Is a little year in parador.

The long wharf is doing "all my sons".

Bill king is directing.

He loves my work.

I could be brilliant in it.

Will I be there? Will I show up? I have no idea.

You're doing well here.

It's going okay.

Actually, it's getting pretty easy.

Actually, it's getting boring.

Why don't you do something good for the country?

I started the beautification program for the airport.

I was thinking about something more profound.

I replaced the national anthem.

You're getting crazier than phonse.

Parador, parador, I love you.

Your mountains, your valleys, your rivers.

Beckon to me.

Better than the old one.

I wanna kiss you so bad I could spit.

How would it look?

Paradorians are hot-blooded. I don't think they would mind.

You don't think it demeans the presidency?

Torture and hunger demeans the presidency, not kissing.

In sulla, there've been two incidents.

A kidnapping and a power line destroyed.

Action was taken.

At mt. Pochooto, there've been dangerous battles...

But we've destroyed the rebel forces.

I'm sorry to see it...

Especially during tourist season.

It could scare people away from what's a real nice country.

In ochito, there's been...

No incidents for 6 months.

This was shot secretly at guerrilla headquarters.

Here you can see their leader, danta guzman...

Being visited by an American liberal.

Dante! Hombre!

You son-of-a-bitch, you did it.

That's ed asner.

I love "Lou Grant".

The guerrillas aren't very fond of me.

Communist bastards.

Why am I in this? Where's my limo?

We've a secret meeting.

We've to dedicate the dog track.

This is more important.

- Who's the meeting with. - C.I.A.

You're blocking the way!

Come on, move!

You're late.

I have a very bad cold.

And I've had the shits for the last 3 days.

We've been working together...

For 8 or 9 years. Have I ever beat around the bush?

I told you 6 months ago...

That the natives are restless.

They're more than that. They're ready to flip out.

You and your people better put a capper on it.

I don't want you and your tinhorn bastards...

Let this thing go to the commies.

That's what I've been telling you.

It's bullshit about parador and it's sovereignty.

If it wasn't for the U.S.A...

Handing it to your forebears in 1890...

There wouldn't be any goddamn parador.

I agree with everything he says.

And stop listening those faggots in the state department.

And get this. I'm sick to death of backing bad horses.

This is a stakes race and...

I want a winner.

Now you just holster your dick.

Otherwise your ass goes in a hammock back to Miami.

If we let you into Miami.

Holster my dick. Okay.

Pull over. I wanna take a dump.

We'll say good-bye to old, hello to the new.

And so, my friends...

Parador now marches proudly...

Into the 21st century.

I promise the people of parador...

New housing...

Good condos, modern plumbing...

Hot water, tennis courts...

Saunas.

God bless you.

What a lie.

This is the worst slum I've ever seen in my life.

- This is the good neighborhood. - Why did you bring her?

- I wanted company. - You're going too far.

- I'm the dictator. - I can always recast the part.

I should live so long.

Here.

- What's your name? - Alice Gianni.

How old are you?

You're so sweet. Thank you for the flowers.

Take her! Follow me.

Over there. Run!

- Out of my way! Out of my way! - Run! Run!

Communist bastards!

Up the hill! Up the hill!

Carmen!

- It's me, Madonna! - Madonna!

Here, come on.

Carmen!

This is my friend, Carmen. I grew up here.

Carmen!

Madonna...

He can't stay here. They'll kill him.

They'll kill us.

- Any sign of the president? - They both disappeared.

- You're sure? - Absolutely.

Burn it.

They'll think I did this. They'll think I'm a monster.

Free the people!

Round up the usual suspects. I'll interrogate.

Immediately, sir.

- When did he arrive? - Moments ago.

- Is she with him? - No, sir.

Where did you and Madonna go to?

We went shopping.

Don't fool with me, Jack Noah.

Why are you packing?

I'm weekending in the Hamptons.

You're not going anywhere.

I didn't sign on for this shit.

You're burning those people's homes.

Relax, my president...

I'm not your president, you low-life bastard.

I'm just an actor.

This is getting too goddamn real for me.

You're going on TV tomorrow to show you're all right...

And that the government is in control...

And that the murderers will be caught and dealt with.

I don't do TV.

- You'll go on tomorrow or I'll cut your balls off!

I know.

You know...

I hate actors.

Good afternoon, my countrymen.

I'm very grateful to be here with you today.

I would like to begin...

By extending my deepest sympathies to the families of...

Those innocent people killed in yesterday's attack.

They made the supreme sacrifice. This attack was meant for me...

And they suffered the injury.

After this attack...

I asked myself, why would someone wanna kill me?

Being close to death...

Has made me review my life...

And my rule.

And so today...

We got your friend.

I ask the forgiveness of the poor people of this country.

And I pledge from this moment...

To make their liberation...

The first concern of my government.

And those of the privileged classes...

Must not resist this liberation.

I would also like to make a personal announcement...

Wich will indicate how serious I am.

I take great pleasure in announcing my engagement...

To my long-time companion...

Miss Madonna Mendez.

There're those of my advisors...

Who tell me this is a mistake.

That Madonna's one of the common people.

To me, this is her greatest virtue

that swine!

It's only through her that...

I understand the sufferings and hopes...

Of the people of parador.

And so, my fellows citizens...

We must work together to triumph over evil.

To make parador truly...

The land of the free...

And the home of the brave.

Out.

Want a valium?

- You think this is amusing? - It was a good speech.

- It was suicide. Yours. - You're hyperventilating.

I'll make you suffer.

You're a Harvard man. Think. You can't kill me.

- You've payed your last role. - You need me, I'm the dictator.

- Actors are a dime a dozen. - Not this good.

You think you're my dictator? You're as good as dead.

Dick carvett is interviewing me tomorrow.

Dick cavett?

Network TV.

Brilliant, your excellency!

It totally castrates the commies.

You're a genius.

He's a total genius, isn't he, Roberto?

Yes, perhaps. Perhaps he's a genius.

You excellency, could I use your bathroom?

Certainly, certainly.

One left, one right, two more lefts.

What would you say brought the change about?

I could give you many reasons, but the main reason...

Is my lovely Madonna here.

The woman behind the throne.

Can you tell me, miss Mendez...

What changes have you seen in him...

From your point of view?

He's not the same man i first met, that's for sure.

Would you tell us, excellency, how you see the future of parador?

I would like to see...

Elections to the general assembly very, very soon.

To begin work on land reform...

And, I want to begin a dialogue with the guerrillas...

To put an end to this terrible violence.

That's extraordinary.

To extend hope to the people...

Who tried to assassinate you.

We all have to live with critics.

- Even you. - Well...

Well, mine use words instead of bullets.

I hope this isn't a rude question...

But what do you see as your epitaph?

"He played his part well."

Recently, we have heard rumors...

About a government program of birth control?

I'm certain that's an unfounded rumor, excellency.

Speaking of rumors...

They say there're priests who help the rebels.

Renegades. Antichrists.

What's this beautiful stone, eminence?

It's a paradorian sapphire, excellency.

Your eminence, may I speak frankly?

Certainly.

I think the church would make a beautiful gesture...

By donating this priceless ring...

To the poorer members of the flock.

God bless you, your eminence.

The people loved me...

Well, except for him.

We're a hit. We're a smash.

We're standing room only.

Madonna was my best friend.

She was sexy, she was smart she was funny.

She was Marilyn Monroe and Eleanor Roosevelt rolled into one.

And I loved her.

I only had one problem.

I'd been playing the same damn part for almost a year.

I'm so bored I can't see straight.

I don't wanna play this son of a bitch anymore.

I wanna go home.

I wanna watch the Knicks on TV.

I'd pay big money to see "Hollywood squares".

I hate alphonse Simms.

Don't fade on me now. These people believe in you.

They believe in him, not me.

Do you really wanna abandon these people to Roberto?

Sanctuary!

Listen to my little friends.

That one's François.

And this one's big Bertha. She made me deaf.

Why was I not made of stone, like them?

I used to think it was...

The part, you know?

Brando had the part when he did "streetcar".

And de niro had the part when he did "raging bull".

"Raging bull".

But I got the part.

It's not enough.

You know what I think?

You're playing your best role.

There's no audience to see it.

I'm an actor.

I'm just a goddamn actor.

I forget to tell you. Another movie company has come to parador.

You think everything is cast?

Okay. Five-six all cameras.

We've got 20 minutes of good light. Let's go.

Quiet, please! This is a take! And roll it!

132, take one!

- Background action! - Action, Liz!

Energy!

Are you Geoff?

- No one else wants to be. - I'm Liz.

- What're you drinking? - Got something dietetic?

Yeah, water. They make marvelous dry Martinis here.

Some friends of yours?

I was going to ask you the same thing.

- Cut! That was fine! - First of all, I was freezing.

- Fine. - Murray, that was good for me.

- That was good for me. - I'd like to do it again.

- That was good for me. - I felt flat.

My director, Edgar low.

- Very efficient. - Thank you, Mr. president.

- My leading actor. - You're very good looking.

- Thank you, Mr. president. - My leading actress.

- You're a marvelous actress. - Thank you.

- Simply marvelous. - Thank you.

This is Clint adler. He does all our gunshots, explosives...

- And special effects... - Congratulations. Very realistic.

- Thank you. - Are you enjoying your stay in parador?

Yes, your excellency. You may not remember...

But I was here last year on another film.

You came to the set? We shook hands?

Yes, I do remember! It's so very good to see you've returned.

I love it here. I'm going to stay for carnival.

You must! Carnival. Spectacular.

- Nice to see you again. - Thank you, sir. I love it here.

- Mr. president. - Menachem, thank you.

Did you see that? Clint looked right in my eyes.

I waited for any glint of recognition.

There's nothing! I must be pretty good.

They're doing "streetcar" at Lincoln center. Son-of-a-bitch!

I'd love to read for Mitch!

Get him!

Roberto...

Assassin! Assassin!

Roberto!

- Assassin! Assassin! - He's an actor!

- Assassin! - He's an actor!

- Assassin! - He's an actor!

Assassin! Assassin! Assassin! Assassin!

Good-bye...

My Madonna.

Good-bye...

My beloved parador.

Good-bye, my peop...

Good-bye, my president.

I hate actors.

What a night! Is that amazing?

- You were fabulous! What a performance! - I was terrible.

- It was great! - I could have been better.

No, no. I was there.

You're not a good judge.

He's defrosting.

This is ike pappas reporting from parador city.

I'll tell you what I know right now, as the situation's extremely confused.

The president was shot as he...

Moved forward on the reviewing stand.

The wounds were fatal.

Roberto strausmann, secretary of the interior...

And head of the police was killed by the crowd.

Dante guzman, leader of the revolutionary front...

Denied any involvement.

Labor leaders called for a general strike...

Starting tomorrow.

Parador city is in chaos and mourning.

Singer Sammy Davis, Jr. was present.

Sammy, what happened?

Well, ike, that was the scarriest thing that I've ever saw.

I was side by side with president when he died.

And I...

I just wanna give to parador people my solidarity...

Forgive me, ike. There's...

Thank you. Thank you, Sammy.

Back to New York. Ike pappas, from parador.

Took a lot of balls, Clint.

Special effects men are nuts.

- Hurry. - Move it, Jack.

- Madonna, come with me. - How can I?

I'm going to miss you! I'm gonna miss this moon.

- I don't wanna go. - Go. There's no time.

Come on, Jack! Let's roll!

Why do these feelings happen when you leave?

I love you.

I love this place. This has been the greatest time.

- I'll never forget you. - I love you, too. I'll call you.

You know how to get me in New York? I've an answering machine.

- I'll call your agent. - I'm changing agents.

- Why? - The bastard hasn't called me in a year.

I love you!

- Jack! Let's roll! - I love you!

What a moment! Right out of "Casablanca"!

Fantastic! It's right out of "Casablanca".

More like "dynasty".

The hardest thing I ever did.

But I'll tell you something.

It proves to me how much I love acting.

No matter what else happens I'm never gonna have...

That doubt, you know?

That I should have done something else.

- Bravo. - Mr. Allen? Mr. papp can see you now.

I'm sorry. I just don't buy it.

But it's a great story.

- It's a great story, Jack. - Got a light?

Sure.

We now bring you a special report.

Here's lke pappas, from parador city.

Two days of strikes and protests have ended...

With the presiding council fleeing the country...

And the revolutionary council naming a new president.

This has been a fairly bloodless revolution.

The president's body is laying in the state.

Thousands of mourners wait to pay their respects.

This ceremony has led to this remarkable moment.

Parador has a new leader...

A woman with a chance to change history.

Madonna! Madonna! Madonna! Madonna!

My fellows paradorians.

I come here to dedicate myself...

To the memory of our beloved leader...

Whose dreams we must keep alive.

My first act is to declare amnesty...

For all political prisoners.

Madonna! Madonna! Madonna! Madonna!

We'll dream the impossible dream.

- Mr. Noah, Mr. papp will see you now. - Thank you.

Thank you so much.