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1
00:02:46,125 --> 00:02:48,294
Come on, boys!
2
00:02:48,461 --> 00:02:52,715
The way you're lollygagging around here
with them picks and them shovels...
3
00:02:52,882 --> 00:02:55,844
...you'd think it was 120 degrees.
4
00:02:56,177 --> 00:02:59,264
It can't be more than 114.
5
00:03:02,767 --> 00:03:06,104
Dock that Chink a day's pay
for napping on the job.
6
00:03:06,271 --> 00:03:07,772
Yes, sir.
7
00:03:08,565 --> 00:03:11,651
Now, come on, boys,
where's your spirit?
8
00:03:11,818 --> 00:03:13,695
I don't hear no singing.
9
00:03:13,862 --> 00:03:17,782
When you were slaves,
you sang like birds.
10
00:03:17,949 --> 00:03:20,785
Go on. How about a good
old nigger work song?
11
00:03:20,952 --> 00:03:22,620
Nigger work song?
12
00:04:03,328 --> 00:04:06,873
Hold it. What the hell is that shit?
13
00:04:07,957 --> 00:04:09,959
I meant a song.
14
00:04:10,126 --> 00:04:12,211
A real song.
15
00:04:12,378 --> 00:04:13,880
Something like:
16
00:04:21,971 --> 00:04:24,015
- "Swing low"?
- "Chariot"?
17
00:04:24,182 --> 00:04:25,975
Don't know that one, huh?
18
00:04:26,351 --> 00:04:30,188
Well, how about "De Camptown Ladies"?
19
00:04:31,022 --> 00:04:33,524
"De Camptown Ladies"?
20
00:04:33,691 --> 00:04:36,736
"De Camptown Ladies."
21
00:04:36,903 --> 00:04:38,863
Oh, you know.
22
00:05:06,099 --> 00:05:10,019
What in the wide, Wide World of Sports
is going on here?
23
00:05:10,186 --> 00:05:13,064
I hired you people to try to get
a little track laid...
24
00:05:13,231 --> 00:05:16,734
...not to jump around like a bunch
of Kansas City faggots!
25
00:05:16,901 --> 00:05:19,821
Sorry, Mr. Taggart.
I guess we kind of got caught up.
26
00:05:19,988 --> 00:05:23,741
Dummy, the surveyors say they may
have run into some quicksand up ahead.
27
00:05:23,908 --> 00:05:25,076
Better check it out.
28
00:05:25,243 --> 00:05:28,246
Okay, I'll send a team of horses
to check out the ground.
29
00:05:28,413 --> 00:05:29,914
Horses?!
30
00:05:30,081 --> 00:05:33,418
Why, we can't afford to lose
no horses, you dummy!
31
00:05:33,584 --> 00:05:37,672
- Send over a couple of niggers.
- Okay, Mr. Taggart.
32
00:05:39,257 --> 00:05:41,426
You and you.
33
00:05:41,592 --> 00:05:42,844
Sir?
34
00:05:43,011 --> 00:05:47,265
Sir, he specifically requested
two niggers.
35
00:05:47,598 --> 00:05:52,103
Well, to tell a family secret,
my grandmother was Dutch.
36
00:05:52,270 --> 00:05:55,440
Get on that handcar and take
it down to the end of that line!
37
00:05:55,606 --> 00:05:58,526
- Just trying to help you out.
- Get!
38
00:05:59,652 --> 00:06:01,487
I didn't know your
grandma was Dutch!
39
00:06:27,472 --> 00:06:29,098
- Bart?
- What?
40
00:06:29,265 --> 00:06:31,225
Am I wrong...
41
00:06:31,392 --> 00:06:34,896
...or is the world rising?
42
00:06:35,063 --> 00:06:39,067
I don't know,
but whatever it is, I hate it.
43
00:06:40,234 --> 00:06:41,527
- Hey, Charlie.
- Mm-hm.
44
00:06:41,694 --> 00:06:43,821
- Let me ask you something.
- Hmm?
45
00:06:43,988 --> 00:06:46,866
What is it that's not exactly water...
46
00:06:47,033 --> 00:06:49,494
Mm-hm.
- ...and it ain't exactly earth?
47
00:06:49,911 --> 00:06:52,497
Quicksand!
48
00:06:56,334 --> 00:07:00,171
Oh, shit! Quicksand!
49
00:07:00,338 --> 00:07:02,298
Hot dang, now we are in trouble!
50
00:07:02,465 --> 00:07:05,301
They in trouble.
51
00:07:05,468 --> 00:07:08,346
Lyle, get your rope there.
Get over there quick.
52
00:07:08,513 --> 00:07:10,556
Right, Mr. Taggart.
53
00:07:18,898 --> 00:07:21,025
That's it. It's coming.
54
00:07:22,193 --> 00:07:24,112
Dang, that was lucky.
55
00:07:24,278 --> 00:07:27,990
Doggone near lost
a $400 handcar.
56
00:07:34,205 --> 00:07:36,582
Yeah, we can take it right off to the--
57
00:07:36,749 --> 00:07:39,544
Just a little to the left
of that hill over yonder.
58
00:07:39,710 --> 00:07:43,381
But we're gonna die, Bart.
They're gonna leave us here to die.
59
00:07:43,548 --> 00:07:45,550
Take it easy, Charlie.
60
00:07:45,716 --> 00:07:47,218
My foot's on the rail.
61
00:07:47,385 --> 00:07:48,845
Oh.
62
00:07:53,057 --> 00:07:56,394
Then maybe down that canyon,
I think it's pretty level there.
63
00:07:56,561 --> 00:07:59,689
We can't swing back to the right
because of that hill there.
64
00:07:59,856 --> 00:08:02,900
That looks like the way
we'll have to go from here.
65
00:08:03,067 --> 00:08:07,155
Yeah, we'll put her right down
through over that ridge.
66
00:08:08,239 --> 00:08:09,407
Come on!
67
00:08:11,617 --> 00:08:13,578
Well, boys, the break's over.
68
00:08:13,744 --> 00:08:16,414
Don't just lay there getting a suntan.
69
00:08:16,581 --> 00:08:19,417
Ain't gonna do you
no good nohow!
70
00:08:19,584 --> 00:08:22,420
Here. Take that shovel
and put her to some good use.
71
00:08:23,921 --> 00:08:25,923
Come on, now.
72
00:08:30,761 --> 00:08:32,180
- Bart?
- What?
73
00:08:32,346 --> 00:08:34,932
Don't do that, now.
74
00:08:35,099 --> 00:08:37,226
- Uh-uh, baby.
- Come on, don't do that.
75
00:08:37,393 --> 00:08:38,603
I have to.
76
00:08:38,769 --> 00:08:40,938
Send a wire to the main office...
77
00:08:41,105 --> 00:08:43,608
...and tell them I said--
Ow!
78
00:08:43,774 --> 00:08:45,776
Send wire, main office...
79
00:08:45,943 --> 00:08:49,614
...tell them I said, "Ow." Got you.
80
00:08:55,453 --> 00:08:58,623
And right here, Mr. Lamarr,
is where we run into quicksand.
81
00:08:58,789 --> 00:09:02,168
Quicksand. Quicksand.
Splendid.
82
00:09:02,335 --> 00:09:05,630
And so the railroad has gotta go
through Rock Ridge.
83
00:09:05,796 --> 00:09:08,382
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.
Splendid.
84
00:09:08,549 --> 00:09:10,134
Yes, sir. Yes, sir.
85
00:09:10,301 --> 00:09:12,470
Rock Ridge. Rock Ridge.
86
00:09:12,637 --> 00:09:15,056
- Be still, Taggart. Be still.
- Yes, sir.
87
00:09:15,223 --> 00:09:19,769
My mind is aglow with whirling,
transient nodes of thought...
88
00:09:19,936 --> 00:09:23,189
...careening through
a cosmic vapor of invention.
89
00:09:23,356 --> 00:09:24,815
Ditto!
90
00:09:26,567 --> 00:09:28,236
"Ditto"?
91
00:09:28,402 --> 00:09:31,322
"Ditto," you provincial putz!
92
00:09:31,489 --> 00:09:35,243
- I'm sorry, sir.
- A plan. A plan. We need a plan.
93
00:09:37,078 --> 00:09:38,788
What in the hell was that?
94
00:09:43,834 --> 00:09:45,253
Next!
95
00:09:45,419 --> 00:09:48,464
Boris, we can't hear ourselves think!
96
00:09:50,299 --> 00:09:56,514
Oh. Oh, sorry, Your Worship, but I've
got two men at home, sick with the flu...
97
00:09:56,681 --> 00:09:59,183
...and it's utter chaos down here.
98
00:09:59,350 --> 00:10:02,103
I'll try to keep it as quiet
as possible.
99
00:10:02,270 --> 00:10:04,272
But as you can see...
100
00:10:06,565 --> 00:10:09,360
...this one is a doozy.
101
00:10:10,820 --> 00:10:14,532
Yes, the Dr. Gillespie killings.
Well, do your best.
102
00:10:19,161 --> 00:10:22,123
- Now, let's see. Where were we?
- Rock Ridge.
103
00:10:22,290 --> 00:10:24,000
Rock Ridge.
104
00:10:24,166 --> 00:10:27,545
Yes, when that railroad
goes through Rock Ridge...
105
00:10:27,712 --> 00:10:31,549
...that land will be worth millions,
and I want it.
106
00:10:31,966 --> 00:10:34,552
I want that land so badly...
107
00:10:34,719 --> 00:10:36,887
...I can taste it.
108
00:10:38,931 --> 00:10:41,392
There must be a way.
109
00:10:42,727 --> 00:10:44,854
- Clumsy fool.
- I'm sorry.
110
00:10:45,021 --> 00:10:46,314
Wait a minute.
111
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,357
There might be a legal precedent.
112
00:10:48,524 --> 00:10:51,777
Of course! Land snatching.
113
00:10:51,944 --> 00:10:54,739
Let's see. "Land:
114
00:10:54,905 --> 00:10:58,075
See snatch." Snatch.
115
00:10:58,492 --> 00:11:03,331
Ah. "Haley v. United States.
Haley, 7. United States, nothing."
116
00:11:03,497 --> 00:11:06,584
You see, it can be done.
It can be done.
117
00:11:07,084 --> 00:11:11,172
Unfortunately, there is one thing that
stands between me and that property.
118
00:11:11,339 --> 00:11:12,923
The rightful owners.
119
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:16,594
There must be some way
of scaring them off, driving them out.
120
00:11:16,761 --> 00:11:19,847
- Getting rid of every human being alive in--
- Uh, uh--
121
00:11:20,014 --> 00:11:23,142
- Oh, it's down the hall and to the left.
- No, sir. Sir?
122
00:11:23,309 --> 00:11:24,310
- What?
- I've got it.
123
00:11:24,477 --> 00:11:25,811
You do? What? What? What?
124
00:11:25,978 --> 00:11:28,606
I know how we can run
everybody out of Rock Ridge.
125
00:11:28,773 --> 00:11:31,359
- How?
- We'll kill the first-born male child...
126
00:11:31,525 --> 00:11:33,194
...in every household.
127
00:11:34,695 --> 00:11:36,530
Too Jewish.
128
00:11:37,823 --> 00:11:39,075
Let's see.
129
00:11:39,241 --> 00:11:40,868
- I got it! I got it!
- You do?
130
00:11:41,035 --> 00:11:43,245
- What?
- We'll work up a number six on them!
131
00:11:43,412 --> 00:11:45,539
Number six. I'm afraid
I'm not familiar with that one.
132
00:11:45,706 --> 00:11:47,666
That's where we go riding into town...
133
00:11:47,833 --> 00:11:50,586
...a'whopping and a'whumping
every living thing...
134
00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:54,799
...that moves within an inch of its life!
Except the womenfolks, of course.
135
00:11:54,965 --> 00:11:56,175
You spare the women?
136
00:11:56,342 --> 00:12:00,638
No, we rape the shit out of them
at the number-six dance later on!
137
00:12:00,805 --> 00:12:02,681
That's marvelous.
That's so creative, Taggart--
138
00:12:02,848 --> 00:12:04,141
Ow!
139
00:12:04,308 --> 00:12:05,935
Why, Taggart, you've been hurt.
140
00:12:06,102 --> 00:12:10,106
Oh, that uppity nigger went and hit me
on the head with a shovel.
141
00:12:10,731 --> 00:12:14,276
I'd sure appreciate it, sir,
if you could find it in your heart...
142
00:12:14,443 --> 00:12:17,530
...to hang him up by his neck
until he was dead.
143
00:12:17,696 --> 00:12:22,535
- Got him locked up downstairs.
- Consider it done, stout fellow.
144
00:12:25,496 --> 00:12:26,789
Boris.
145
00:12:26,956 --> 00:12:30,334
Oh. Mmm. Mmm.
146
00:12:30,584 --> 00:12:32,628
I've got a special.
When can you work him in?
147
00:12:32,795 --> 00:12:37,341
I couldn't possibly sneak him
in until Monday, sir. I'm booked solid.
148
00:12:37,508 --> 00:12:39,218
Monday. Splendid.
149
00:12:43,681 --> 00:12:44,682
Ta-da!
150
00:12:44,849 --> 00:12:47,977
Oh, thank you, sir.
And don't you worry.
151
00:12:48,144 --> 00:12:51,480
Why, we'll make Rock Ridge
think it's a chicken...
152
00:12:51,647 --> 00:12:53,858
...that got caught
in a tractor's nuts.
153
00:12:55,192 --> 00:12:56,527
Splendid.
154
00:12:57,945 --> 00:13:00,364
That's all right. Shh.
It's all right, Taggart.
155
00:13:00,531 --> 00:13:03,075
Just a man and a horse
being hung out there.
156
00:13:03,242 --> 00:13:04,660
Shh.
157
00:13:09,748 --> 00:13:11,625
There was a peaceful town
158
00:13:11,792 --> 00:13:14,003
Called Rock Ridge
159
00:13:14,170 --> 00:13:18,174
Where people lived in harmony
160
00:13:19,258 --> 00:13:23,846
They never had no kind of trouble
161
00:13:24,013 --> 00:13:27,808
There was no hint of misery
162
00:13:33,063 --> 00:13:36,901
The town saloon was always lively
163
00:13:37,067 --> 00:13:41,155
But never nasty or obscene
164
00:13:41,322 --> 00:13:44,742
Behind the bar stood anal Johnson
165
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:47,995
He always kept things nice and clean
166
00:13:50,414 --> 00:13:52,583
And all at once the trouble started
167
00:13:53,542 --> 00:13:55,252
A pack of murderers and thieves
168
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:59,173
Like swarms of locusts
They descended
169
00:13:59,715 --> 00:14:01,759
Their aim
To make the townsfolk flee
170
00:14:07,598 --> 00:14:08,766
Oh, shit.
171
00:14:15,105 --> 00:14:16,815
Whoa! Whoa!
172
00:14:30,621 --> 00:14:32,414
Well, that's the end of this suit.
173
00:14:40,965 --> 00:14:43,425
Have you ever seen such cruelty?
174
00:14:47,096 --> 00:14:53,310
Now is a time of great decision
175
00:14:53,477 --> 00:14:59,066
Are we to stay or up and quit?
176
00:15:00,484 --> 00:15:05,948
There's no avoiding this conclusion
177
00:15:08,033 --> 00:15:13,914
Our town is turning into shit
178
00:15:15,124 --> 00:15:17,167
Be seated.
179
00:15:20,838 --> 00:15:23,465
Now, I don't have to tell you
good folks...
180
00:15:23,632 --> 00:15:27,678
...what has been happening
here in our beloved little town.
181
00:15:27,928 --> 00:15:30,097
Sheriff murdered...
182
00:15:30,264 --> 00:15:32,099
...crops burned...
183
00:15:32,266 --> 00:15:34,059
...stores looted...
184
00:15:34,226 --> 00:15:35,894
...people stampeded...
185
00:15:36,061 --> 00:15:38,188
...and cattle raped.
186
00:15:40,024 --> 00:15:42,776
Now, the time has come to act.
187
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:46,030
And act fast!
188
00:15:48,032 --> 00:15:49,575
I'm leaving.
189
00:15:49,742 --> 00:15:55,080
You get back here, you
pious, candy-ass sidewinder!
190
00:15:55,247 --> 00:16:00,586
There ain't no way that nobody
is gonna leave this town!
191
00:16:00,753 --> 00:16:04,548
Hell, I was born here
and I was raised here...
192
00:16:04,715 --> 00:16:07,092
...and dadgum it,
I'm gonna die here!
193
00:16:07,259 --> 00:16:11,138
And no sidewinding,
bushwhacking, hornswoggling...
194
00:16:11,305 --> 00:16:16,226
...cracker croaker is gonna
ruin my biscuit cutter!
195
00:16:22,608 --> 00:16:24,735
Now, who can argue with that?
196
00:16:27,905 --> 00:16:30,574
I think we're all indebted
to Gabby Johnson...
197
00:16:30,741 --> 00:16:33,952
...for clearly stating
what needed to be said.
198
00:16:34,119 --> 00:16:38,624
I'm particularly glad these lovely children
were here today to hear that speech.
199
00:16:38,791 --> 00:16:42,628
Not only was it
authentic frontier gibberish...
200
00:16:42,795 --> 00:16:46,006
...it expressed a courage
little seen in this day and age.
201
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:50,344
What are we made of?
202
00:16:50,511 --> 00:16:53,472
Our fathers came across the prairie...
203
00:16:53,639 --> 00:16:57,267
...fought Indians, fought drought,
fought locusts, fought Dix!
204
00:16:57,434 --> 00:17:01,772
Remember when Richard Dix came in here
and tried to take over this town?
205
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:04,066
We didn't give up then...
206
00:17:04,233 --> 00:17:08,487
...and by gum,
we're not gonna give up now!
207
00:17:14,034 --> 00:17:15,577
Olson Johnson is right!
208
00:17:16,161 --> 00:17:20,916
What kind of people are we anyhow?
I say we stay and fight it out.
209
00:17:22,376 --> 00:17:26,672
Dr. Samuel Johnson's right
about Olson Johnson's being right.
210
00:17:26,839 --> 00:17:29,133
And I'm not giving up
my ice-cream parlor...
211
00:17:29,299 --> 00:17:33,137
...that I built with these two hands
for nothing or nobody!
212
00:17:33,303 --> 00:17:35,639
Howard Johnson is right!
213
00:17:35,806 --> 00:17:36,932
Thank you, Van.
214
00:17:38,726 --> 00:17:42,229
Well, if we're gonna stay...
215
00:17:42,396 --> 00:17:44,732
...I think it's a big mistake.
216
00:17:44,898 --> 00:17:47,484
We're gonna need us a new sheriff.
217
00:17:47,651 --> 00:17:49,153
Now, who's it gonna be?
218
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:53,157
Why don't we wire the governor
to send us a sheriff.
219
00:17:53,323 --> 00:17:55,868
Why should we get
our own men killed?
220
00:17:56,034 --> 00:17:59,496
Howard Johnson is right.
We'll wire the governor.
221
00:18:01,165 --> 00:18:05,836
Then let us pray for the deliverance
of our new sheriff.
222
00:18:06,003 --> 00:18:09,214
Will the congregation please rise?
223
00:18:09,923 --> 00:18:12,342
I shall now read from the books...
224
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:15,763
...of Matthew, Mark, Luke...
225
00:18:17,264 --> 00:18:18,682
...and duck.
226
00:18:28,609 --> 00:18:31,069
We've got to do something.
227
00:18:31,528 --> 00:18:33,197
Governor, governor.
228
00:18:33,363 --> 00:18:36,408
- May I disturb you for a moment, sir?
- Yes, what is it?
229
00:18:36,575 --> 00:18:40,162
If you will just sign this, governor.
Right here.
230
00:18:40,329 --> 00:18:43,916
- Yes, yes. What the hell is it?
- Under the provisions of this bill...
231
00:18:44,082 --> 00:18:46,960
...we would snatch
200,000 acres of Indian territory...
232
00:18:47,127 --> 00:18:50,172
...which we have deemed unsafe
for their use at this time.
233
00:18:50,339 --> 00:18:52,966
- They're such children.
- Two hundred thousand acres?
234
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:54,885
Two hundred thousand acres?
235
00:18:55,052 --> 00:18:57,513
- What will it cost, man? What will it cost?
- Aha.
236
00:18:57,679 --> 00:19:00,057
A box of these.
237
00:19:00,224 --> 00:19:03,477
Are you crazy? They'll never go
for it. Then again, they might.
238
00:19:03,644 --> 00:19:06,063
Little red devils love toys.
May I try one?
239
00:19:06,230 --> 00:19:08,690
- Please do, sir.
- Thank you. Thank you.
240
00:19:09,483 --> 00:19:11,610
These things are defective.
241
00:19:14,321 --> 00:19:17,574
- Right as usual, sir.
- Showoff!
242
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:21,537
- Sir, just sign this, sir. Right here.
- Okay, give us a hand here.
243
00:19:21,703 --> 00:19:22,996
All right, sir.
244
00:19:23,163 --> 00:19:25,749
Work, work, work.
Work, work, work, work, work.
245
00:19:25,916 --> 00:19:28,585
Hello, boys, have a good night's rest?
I missed you.
246
00:19:28,752 --> 00:19:32,339
- Just one more bill for you to sign, sir.
- What the hell is this?
247
00:19:32,506 --> 00:19:35,384
This bill converts
the state hospital for the insane...
248
00:19:35,551 --> 00:19:39,304
...into the William Le Petomane
Memorial Gambling Casino for the Insane.
249
00:19:39,471 --> 00:19:42,766
Gentlemen, this bill
will be a giant step forward...
250
00:19:42,933 --> 00:19:46,770
- ...in the treatment of the insane gambler.
- Yes, bravo. Beautiful.
251
00:19:49,690 --> 00:19:51,900
Thank you. Thank you, Hedy.
Thank you.
252
00:19:52,067 --> 00:19:56,780
- It's not Hedy. It's Hedley. Hedley Lamarr.
- What the hell are you worried about?
253
00:19:56,947 --> 00:19:59,950
This is 1874.
You'll be able to sue her.
254
00:20:06,164 --> 00:20:07,416
- Mmm.
- Mmm.
255
00:20:07,583 --> 00:20:09,543
- Just sign here, sir.
- Thank you.
256
00:20:09,710 --> 00:20:11,545
Thank you. Thank you very much.
257
00:20:11,712 --> 00:20:14,131
- That's it.
- All right, help me in with this.
258
00:20:14,298 --> 00:20:16,008
Just think of your secretary.
259
00:20:16,174 --> 00:20:18,260
That was a very good suggestion.
260
00:20:18,427 --> 00:20:19,636
- All right, sir.
- Thank you.
261
00:20:19,803 --> 00:20:22,431
- All right.
- Okay, is that it? Anything else?
262
00:20:22,598 --> 00:20:26,310
Just this urgent telegram
from Rock Ridge that arrived last Friday.
263
00:20:26,476 --> 00:20:30,063
Last Friday. Read it!
Read it, you wild bitch.
264
00:20:30,230 --> 00:20:34,318
"Sheriff murdered. Church meeting
bombed. Reign of terror must cease.
265
00:20:34,484 --> 00:20:38,572
- Send new sheriff immediately."
- Holy underwear!
266
00:20:38,739 --> 00:20:42,284
Sheriff murdered? Innocent women
and children blown to bits?!
267
00:20:42,451 --> 00:20:44,786
We've got to protect
our phony-baloney jobs.
268
00:20:44,953 --> 00:20:48,373
We must do something
about this immediately! Immediately!
269
00:20:48,540 --> 00:20:50,834
Harrumph, harrumph, harrumph.
270
00:20:51,001 --> 00:20:54,504
- I didn't get a harrumph out of him.
- Give the governor a harrumph.
271
00:20:54,671 --> 00:20:56,757
- Harrumph.
- You watch your ass.
272
00:20:56,924 --> 00:20:59,259
Gentlemen, please rest your sphincters.
273
00:20:59,426 --> 00:21:01,345
- Well put.
- Thank you very much, sir.
274
00:21:01,511 --> 00:21:03,680
As attorney general, I can assure you...
275
00:21:03,847 --> 00:21:07,601
...a suitable sheriff will be found
to restore the peace in Rock Ridge.
276
00:21:07,768 --> 00:21:09,269
Meeting is adjourned.
277
00:21:09,436 --> 00:21:13,190
I am sorry, sir. I didn't mean
to overstep my bounds. You say that.
278
00:21:13,357 --> 00:21:14,816
- What?
- Meeting is adjourned.
279
00:21:14,983 --> 00:21:17,027
- It is?
- No. You say that, governor.
280
00:21:17,194 --> 00:21:18,695
- What?
- Meeting is adjourned.
281
00:21:18,862 --> 00:21:21,114
- It is?
- Play around with this for a while.
282
00:21:21,281 --> 00:21:22,366
Thank you, Hedy.
283
00:21:22,532 --> 00:21:24,117
- No, it's Hedley!
- It is?
284
00:21:24,284 --> 00:21:26,870
Give these out to some
of the boys in lieu of pay.
285
00:21:27,037 --> 00:21:30,207
Here you go. Frankie,
Johnny, Patsy, Kelly.
286
00:21:30,374 --> 00:21:33,085
And one for Miss Stein,
my beloved secretary.
287
00:21:33,251 --> 00:21:36,713
Play with these, boys,
in lieu of the other things.
288
00:21:37,714 --> 00:21:40,384
This frigging thing is warped.
289
00:21:41,426 --> 00:21:44,471
Why do I always get a warped one?
290
00:21:46,390 --> 00:21:48,183
A sheriff!
291
00:21:48,350 --> 00:21:51,895
But law and order
is the last thing I want.
292
00:21:52,562 --> 00:21:54,606
Wait a minute.
293
00:21:54,773 --> 00:21:58,068
Maybe I can turn this thing
into my advantage.
294
00:21:58,235 --> 00:22:00,445
If I could find a sheriff...
295
00:22:00,612 --> 00:22:03,240
...who so offends
the citizens of Rock Ridge...
296
00:22:03,407 --> 00:22:07,494
...that his very appearance
would drive them out of town.
297
00:22:09,037 --> 00:22:11,999
But where would I find such a man?
298
00:22:12,165 --> 00:22:14,418
Why am I asking you?
299
00:22:22,718 --> 00:22:26,013
Oh, welcome to Hanging House.
300
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:27,514
Not to worry.
301
00:22:27,681 --> 00:22:30,475
Everyone is equal in my eye.
302
00:22:47,409 --> 00:22:48,910
Not my ear. Not in my ear.
303
00:22:50,245 --> 00:22:53,498
- Not in the ear. Not in the ear.
- Sir?
304
00:22:53,665 --> 00:22:55,459
Governor?
305
00:22:55,625 --> 00:22:58,462
- Yes?
- Official business, sir.
306
00:22:58,628 --> 00:23:01,298
- Is it important?
- It's very crucial.
307
00:23:02,883 --> 00:23:04,885
Be with you in a minute.
308
00:23:05,052 --> 00:23:07,345
Throw something on
and stay in that position.
309
00:23:07,512 --> 00:23:08,513
Oh, sorry, gentlemen.
310
00:23:09,848 --> 00:23:13,185
Forgive me, I was just walking
the parapet, taking a look around.
311
00:23:13,351 --> 00:23:16,605
- What can I do for you?
- Governor, as per your instructions...
312
00:23:16,772 --> 00:23:19,566
...I'd like you to meet
the new sheriff of Rock Ridge.
313
00:23:19,733 --> 00:23:20,984
I'd be delight-- Wow!
314
00:23:22,736 --> 00:23:24,321
I've got to talk to you.
Come here.
315
00:23:24,488 --> 00:23:28,825
Have you gone berserk?
Can't you see that that man is a ni--?
316
00:23:31,161 --> 00:23:35,332
Wrong person. Forgive me.
No offense intended.
317
00:23:35,665 --> 00:23:39,211
Have you gone berserk?
Can't you see that man is a ni--?
318
00:23:39,377 --> 00:23:42,339
- Don't worry, sir.
- I've always trusted your judgment...
319
00:23:42,506 --> 00:23:45,634
...but haven't you taken a giant leap
from your good senses?
320
00:23:45,801 --> 00:23:48,220
Please don't fly off the handle, sir.
321
00:23:48,386 --> 00:23:51,389
I am about to make you
an historic figure.
322
00:23:51,556 --> 00:23:55,477
- Maybe even get you a cabinet post.
- A cabinet post!
323
00:23:55,644 --> 00:23:56,853
- Yes.
- Did you say that?
324
00:23:57,020 --> 00:23:58,563
- I said that.
- Wonderful.
325
00:23:58,730 --> 00:24:01,858
Yes, the first man ever to appoint
a black sheriff.
326
00:24:02,025 --> 00:24:06,029
- Just think, sir. Washington, Jefferson--
- Lincoln.
327
00:24:06,196 --> 00:24:08,156
- Le Petomane!
- Oh!
328
00:24:08,365 --> 00:24:10,659
Sir, you have the seeds
of greatness in you.
329
00:24:10,826 --> 00:24:14,287
Nurse them, caress them,
pour water on them.
330
00:24:14,454 --> 00:24:17,332
Don't shortchange yourself, sir.
331
00:24:17,499 --> 00:24:20,794
It'll never work.
They'll kill him dead in one day.
332
00:24:20,961 --> 00:24:25,298
One day is all we'll need to secure your
name in the annals of Western history.
333
00:24:25,465 --> 00:24:28,301
And to get, for you, a nomination for--
Dare I say?
334
00:24:28,468 --> 00:24:30,512
- Dare. Dare.
- The presidency!
335
00:24:30,679 --> 00:24:32,889
- Wow! Oh!
- Hail to the chief!
336
00:24:33,473 --> 00:24:35,350
Hail to the chief!
337
00:24:42,899 --> 00:24:45,277
Fourscore and seven years ago...
338
00:24:45,443 --> 00:24:48,822
...our forefathers
brought forth on this--
339
00:24:48,989 --> 00:24:51,366
- Bill, are you coming back?
- In a moment, dear.
340
00:24:51,533 --> 00:24:54,578
Gentlemen, affairs of state
must take precedent...
341
00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:59,291
- ...over the affairs of state.
- Yes, of course, sir. We understand.
342
00:24:59,457 --> 00:25:02,794
- Will you make the arrangements?
- I will make all the arrangements.
343
00:25:02,961 --> 00:25:04,337
Especially the funeral.
344
00:25:06,089 --> 00:25:09,050
Good luck, boys.
Wonderful working with you.
345
00:25:09,217 --> 00:25:10,760
Good luck!
346
00:26:15,992 --> 00:26:18,828
Hurry up, get those flags up.
He'll be here soon.
347
00:26:18,995 --> 00:26:22,123
Hey! I just got a telegram
from the governor's office.
348
00:26:22,290 --> 00:26:24,834
The sheriff will be here at noon!
349
00:26:25,001 --> 00:26:28,964
Noon? I'd better rehearse my speech.
350
00:26:30,423 --> 00:26:33,843
"As honorary chairman
of the welcoming committee...
351
00:26:34,010 --> 00:26:36,846
...it is my privilege to extend to you...
352
00:26:37,013 --> 00:26:40,016
...a Laurel and Hardy handshake."
353
00:26:40,684 --> 00:26:41,893
- Wonderful!
- Lovely.
354
00:26:42,060 --> 00:26:45,605
- Excellent.
- Gabby, can you see him yet?
355
00:26:50,360 --> 00:26:52,362
The sheriff's coming.
356
00:26:52,821 --> 00:26:56,366
- Ring out the church bells.
- Strike up the band.
357
00:27:11,047 --> 00:27:13,550
Hey! The sheriff is a ni--
358
00:27:15,218 --> 00:27:18,138
- What did he say?
- The sheriff is near.
359
00:27:18,555 --> 00:27:19,556
No!
360
00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:22,434
The sheriff is a ni--
361
00:27:28,398 --> 00:27:30,984
Hooray! Hooray! Hooray!
362
00:27:44,581 --> 00:27:47,375
"As chairman
of the welcoming committee...
363
00:27:47,542 --> 00:27:50,712
...it is my privilege to extend a Laurel...
364
00:27:50,879 --> 00:27:54,090
...and Hardy handshake to our new--"
365
00:27:56,468 --> 00:27:57,761
Nigger.
366
00:28:26,790 --> 00:28:29,167
Excuse me while I whip this out.
367
00:28:34,839 --> 00:28:37,801
"By the power vested in me...
368
00:28:37,967 --> 00:28:41,137
...by the Honorable
William J. Le Petomane...
369
00:28:47,143 --> 00:28:50,146
...I hereby assume the duties
of the office of sheriff...
370
00:28:50,313 --> 00:28:52,565
...in and for the township
of Rock Ridge."
371
00:28:52,732 --> 00:28:55,735
Gentlemen, let us
not allow anger to rule the day.
372
00:28:55,902 --> 00:28:58,655
As your spiritual leader, I implore you...
373
00:28:58,822 --> 00:29:01,991
...to pay heed to this good book
and what it has to say.
374
00:29:04,577 --> 00:29:05,954
Son...
375
00:29:06,121 --> 00:29:07,789
...you're on your own.
376
00:29:12,043 --> 00:29:13,294
Hold it!
377
00:29:14,003 --> 00:29:17,048
The next man makes a move,
the nigger gets it.
378
00:29:21,344 --> 00:29:24,180
Hold it, men. He's not bluffing.
379
00:29:24,347 --> 00:29:27,183
Listen to him, men.
He's just crazy enough to do it.
380
00:29:27,350 --> 00:29:32,230
Drop it, or I swear I'll blow
this nigger's head all over this town!
381
00:29:32,397 --> 00:29:35,859
Lordy, Lord,
he's desperate. Do what he say.
382
00:29:36,025 --> 00:29:38,319
Do what he say!
383
00:29:54,377 --> 00:29:57,547
Isn't anybody gonna help
that poor man?
384
00:29:57,714 --> 00:30:01,551
Hush, Harriett.
That's a sure way to get him killed.
385
00:30:01,718 --> 00:30:03,887
Help me! Help me! Help me!
386
00:30:04,053 --> 00:30:06,890
Somebody help me!
Help me! Help me!
387
00:30:07,223 --> 00:30:08,725
Help me!
388
00:30:08,892 --> 00:30:10,310
Shut up!
389
00:30:13,313 --> 00:30:18,151
Oh, baby, you are so talented.
390
00:30:18,318 --> 00:30:20,862
And they are so dumb.
391
00:30:24,407 --> 00:30:26,201
Order.
392
00:30:26,367 --> 00:30:28,036
Order.
393
00:30:28,953 --> 00:30:32,540
Goddamn it! I said, order!
394
00:30:32,707 --> 00:30:35,168
You know, Nietzsche says:
395
00:30:35,335 --> 00:30:38,087
"Out of chaos comes order."
396
00:30:38,254 --> 00:30:40,089
Blow it out your ass, Howard.
397
00:30:40,757 --> 00:30:41,758
Oh.
398
00:30:42,759 --> 00:30:45,428
Now, everyone be quiet...
399
00:30:45,595 --> 00:30:49,307
...whilst we listen
to Harriett Van Johnson...
400
00:30:49,474 --> 00:30:53,853
...our esteemed school marm,
as she reads a telegram...
401
00:30:54,020 --> 00:30:58,149
...that she herself has composed
to the governor...
402
00:30:58,316 --> 00:31:01,110
...expressing our feelings...
403
00:31:01,277 --> 00:31:04,405
...about the new sheriff.
404
00:31:10,912 --> 00:31:12,914
"To the Honorable
William J. Le Petomane, governor."
405
00:31:14,374 --> 00:31:16,793
- We can't hear you!
- Forgive me.
406
00:31:16,960 --> 00:31:20,713
I'm not used to public speaking.
407
00:31:21,256 --> 00:31:26,886
"We, the white,
God-fearing citizens of Rock Ridge...
408
00:31:27,053 --> 00:31:31,182
...wish to express
our extreme displeasure...
409
00:31:31,349 --> 00:31:33,893
...with your choice of sheriff.
410
00:31:34,060 --> 00:31:37,021
Please remove him immediately.
411
00:31:39,190 --> 00:31:43,236
The fact that you have sent him here...
412
00:31:43,403 --> 00:31:45,572
...just goes to prove...
413
00:31:45,738 --> 00:31:49,951
...that you are the leading asshole
in the state."
414
00:32:12,640 --> 00:32:15,184
The drunk in number two must be awake.
415
00:32:20,732 --> 00:32:22,442
Are we awake?
416
00:32:26,696 --> 00:32:28,865
We're not sure.
417
00:32:29,532 --> 00:32:32,243
Are we black?
418
00:32:32,410 --> 00:32:33,786
Yes, we are.
419
00:32:35,204 --> 00:32:37,582
Then we're awake...
420
00:32:37,749 --> 00:32:40,543
...but we're very puzzled.
421
00:32:41,336 --> 00:32:45,089
I think I'd better straighten myself out.
422
00:32:47,634 --> 00:32:49,677
Need any help?
423
00:32:50,011 --> 00:32:51,262
Oh.
424
00:32:52,180 --> 00:32:54,265
All I can get.
425
00:33:04,233 --> 00:33:05,568
Thanks.
426
00:33:05,735 --> 00:33:08,780
That's okay. Sit down over here.
427
00:33:19,248 --> 00:33:21,417
Hey, maybe you should
eat something first.
428
00:33:21,584 --> 00:33:25,421
No, thanks. Food makes me sick.
429
00:33:34,305 --> 00:33:39,352
A man drink like that and he don't eat,
he is going to die.
430
00:33:41,145 --> 00:33:42,730
When?
431
00:33:45,316 --> 00:33:48,444
- What's your name?
- Well, my name is Jim.
432
00:33:48,611 --> 00:33:51,280
But most people call me...
433
00:33:53,449 --> 00:33:55,034
...Jim.
434
00:33:56,786 --> 00:34:00,873
Okay, Jim, since you are my guest
and I am your host...
435
00:34:01,040 --> 00:34:04,127
...what are your pleasures?
What do you like to do?
436
00:34:04,627 --> 00:34:06,254
Oh, I don't know.
437
00:34:06,421 --> 00:34:08,339
Play chess.
438
00:34:09,632 --> 00:34:11,342
Screw.
439
00:34:12,051 --> 00:34:14,053
Well, let's play chess.
440
00:34:17,181 --> 00:34:18,891
Checkmate.
441
00:34:19,767 --> 00:34:22,228
- What?
- Checkmate.
442
00:34:22,395 --> 00:34:25,148
Why, you devious son of a bitch.
443
00:34:25,982 --> 00:34:28,151
Happy days.
444
00:34:36,701 --> 00:34:38,745
Man, why you do that to yourself?
445
00:34:40,288 --> 00:34:42,331
You don't really wanna know that.
446
00:34:42,498 --> 00:34:45,752
- I do, I do.
- Well, if you must pry....
447
00:34:45,918 --> 00:34:48,004
I must, I must.
448
00:34:48,713 --> 00:34:51,841
I don't know if you ever
heard of me before...
449
00:34:52,216 --> 00:34:54,677
...but I used to be called...
450
00:34:55,511 --> 00:34:57,764
...the Waco Kid.
451
00:34:57,972 --> 00:35:02,143
The Waco Kid.
He had the fastest hands in the West.
452
00:35:03,644 --> 00:35:05,104
In the world.
453
00:35:05,813 --> 00:35:08,316
Well, if you're the Kid,
then show me something.
454
00:35:08,483 --> 00:35:09,692
Oh.
455
00:35:09,859 --> 00:35:13,362
Maybe a couple of years ago
I could have shown you something...
456
00:35:13,529 --> 00:35:15,364
...but today....
457
00:35:17,116 --> 00:35:20,244
- Look at that.
- Steady as a rock.
458
00:35:20,411 --> 00:35:23,331
Yeah, but I shoot with this hand.
459
00:35:23,498 --> 00:35:25,875
See, I knew you wasn't no Waco Kid.
460
00:35:26,042 --> 00:35:27,960
You was just pulling my lariat.
461
00:35:28,878 --> 00:35:31,839
Oh, dearie, dear.
462
00:35:34,217 --> 00:35:35,718
Well....
463
00:35:36,803 --> 00:35:38,387
Okay.
464
00:35:43,976 --> 00:35:45,645
See that king?
465
00:35:45,895 --> 00:35:49,524
- Yeah.
- Put your hands on both sides of it.
466
00:35:52,485 --> 00:35:54,237
Now, when I say "go"...
467
00:35:54,403 --> 00:35:56,239
...you try to grab it first.
468
00:35:56,823 --> 00:36:00,076
Man, that's no contest.
You a mile away.
469
00:36:00,910 --> 00:36:02,411
Yeah.
470
00:36:02,578 --> 00:36:03,871
Yeah.
471
00:36:04,038 --> 00:36:07,166
Anyway, when you hear the word "go"...
472
00:36:07,333 --> 00:36:08,876
...you just try to grab it.
473
00:36:09,919 --> 00:36:11,170
Ready?
474
00:36:11,337 --> 00:36:12,839
Ready.
475
00:36:19,470 --> 00:36:21,097
Go!
476
00:36:29,105 --> 00:36:30,523
Hey.
477
00:36:31,941 --> 00:36:33,776
You looking for this?
478
00:36:37,947 --> 00:36:40,575
Well, raise my rent.
479
00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:43,286
- You are the Kid.
- Was.
480
00:36:43,452 --> 00:36:46,122
Yeah, I was the Kid.
481
00:36:48,457 --> 00:36:50,418
Well, what happened?
482
00:36:50,585 --> 00:36:55,298
Oh, well, it got so that every prairie punk
who thought he could shoot a gun...
483
00:36:55,464 --> 00:36:59,468
...would ride into town
to try out the Waco Kid.
484
00:37:01,596 --> 00:37:05,641
I must have killed more men
than Cecil B. De Mille.
485
00:37:06,142 --> 00:37:07,810
It got pretty gritty.
486
00:37:08,311 --> 00:37:12,064
I started to hear the word "draw"
in my sleep.
487
00:37:13,941 --> 00:37:15,818
Then one day...
488
00:37:15,985 --> 00:37:19,405
...I was just
walking down the street...
489
00:37:19,572 --> 00:37:22,491
...and I heard a voice behind me say:
490
00:37:22,658 --> 00:37:25,161
"Reach for it, mister."
491
00:37:25,328 --> 00:37:27,538
I spun around.
492
00:37:28,915 --> 00:37:32,043
And there I was face to face...
493
00:37:33,753 --> 00:37:37,298
...with a 6-year-old kid.
494
00:37:40,676 --> 00:37:45,014
Well, I just threw my guns down
and walked away.
495
00:37:47,433 --> 00:37:51,187
The little bastard shot me in the ass.
496
00:37:53,189 --> 00:37:56,025
So I limped to the nearest saloon...
497
00:37:56,192 --> 00:37:58,903
...crawled inside a whiskey bottle...
498
00:37:59,070 --> 00:38:03,032
...and I've been there ever since.
499
00:38:06,619 --> 00:38:08,120
Have a drink.
500
00:38:08,287 --> 00:38:10,039
Thanks.
501
00:38:14,168 --> 00:38:17,213
Anyway, that's all ancient history.
502
00:38:17,380 --> 00:38:21,425
Now, you tell me your story.
What's a dazzling urbanite like you...
503
00:38:21,592 --> 00:38:23,886
...doing in a rustic setting like this?
504
00:38:24,929 --> 00:38:26,472
If you really must pry....
505
00:38:26,806 --> 00:38:29,225
Oh, I must, I must.
506
00:38:33,646 --> 00:38:36,524
Well, back in '56...
507
00:38:36,691 --> 00:38:40,736
...my folks and I were part of
this long wagon train...
508
00:38:40,903 --> 00:38:43,072
...moving West.
509
00:38:55,418 --> 00:38:58,546
Well, not exactly part of it.
510
00:38:58,713 --> 00:39:01,590
You might say
we was bringing up the rear...
511
00:39:01,757 --> 00:39:04,552
...when suddenly,
from out of the west...
512
00:39:04,719 --> 00:39:07,388
...came the entire Sioux nation.
513
00:39:07,555 --> 00:39:10,975
And let me tell you, baby,
they was open for business.
514
00:39:15,271 --> 00:39:19,275
Naturally, the white folks
didn't let us travel in their circle...
515
00:39:19,442 --> 00:39:21,986
...so we made our own.
516
00:40:14,455 --> 00:40:17,583
- Cop a walk. It's all right.
- Thank you.
517
00:40:17,750 --> 00:40:19,168
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
518
00:40:20,795 --> 00:40:22,963
Take off.
519
00:40:30,179 --> 00:40:32,640
They darker than us! Woof!
520
00:40:36,310 --> 00:40:38,854
And the rest is history.
521
00:40:40,189 --> 00:40:41,857
Impressed?
522
00:40:46,779 --> 00:40:50,533
Always like to keep
my audience riveted.
523
00:41:41,125 --> 00:41:43,460
Goddamn!
524
00:41:43,627 --> 00:41:48,215
- How about more beans, Mr. Taggart?
- I'd say you've had enough.
525
00:41:51,260 --> 00:41:54,346
I understand there's a new sheriff
in town.
526
00:41:54,513 --> 00:41:58,225
- Who wants to kill him?
- I do! I do! Me! Me!
527
00:41:58,392 --> 00:42:02,271
- Me! Me! Me!
- Mr. Taggart? Mr. Taggart, sir?
528
00:42:02,438 --> 00:42:05,774
Why don't we give him to Mongo.
529
00:42:07,902 --> 00:42:12,031
Mongo?! Holy shit, that's too cruel.
530
00:42:12,448 --> 00:42:16,243
I'll be danged. That is a unique idea.
531
00:42:22,041 --> 00:42:24,210
Down, boy. Down.
532
00:42:24,376 --> 00:42:26,754
Down, Mongo. Down, boy.
533
00:42:26,921 --> 00:42:30,466
Here, it's me, Taggart, your old boss.
Here, smell. Smell.
534
00:42:30,633 --> 00:42:34,094
Smell, boy. Yeah.
Yeah, that's a good Mongo.
535
00:42:34,637 --> 00:42:37,223
That's a good Mongo. Yeah.
536
00:42:37,389 --> 00:42:41,894
Hey, how about it? How would you
like to mutilate that new sheriff?
537
00:42:44,813 --> 00:42:48,609
All right! Here, have a cigar.
538
00:43:29,191 --> 00:43:31,610
Oh, by the way,
I got a note this morning.
539
00:43:31,777 --> 00:43:34,530
- From who?
- Well, I'm not sure.
540
00:43:34,697 --> 00:43:37,324
It was addressed to the "deputy spade."
541
00:43:41,370 --> 00:43:44,331
Well, once I establish myself
in this here town...
542
00:43:44,498 --> 00:43:47,876
...deputy spade might turn out
to be a groovy position.
543
00:43:48,043 --> 00:43:49,670
Here.
544
00:43:57,803 --> 00:43:59,346
Listen, Bart...
545
00:43:59,513 --> 00:44:01,682
...I want you to do me a favor.
546
00:44:01,849 --> 00:44:04,393
I don't
want you going out there this morning.
547
00:44:04,560 --> 00:44:07,062
You can't win these people over,
no matter what.
548
00:44:07,229 --> 00:44:09,565
They're just not gonna accept you.
549
00:44:19,533 --> 00:44:22,995
I'm glad those fingers ain't loaded.
550
00:44:23,662 --> 00:44:24,955
Woo.
551
00:44:26,123 --> 00:44:28,709
Just like old times.
552
00:44:31,920 --> 00:44:35,341
Like I told you,
once you establish yourself...
553
00:44:35,507 --> 00:44:37,968
...they've got to accept you.
554
00:44:38,135 --> 00:44:40,304
Catch you later.
555
00:44:44,266 --> 00:44:45,934
Good luck.
556
00:44:53,525 --> 00:44:56,111
Well, good morning, ma'am.
557
00:44:56,737 --> 00:44:59,114
And isn't it a lovely morning?
558
00:44:59,281 --> 00:45:01,075
Up yours, nigger!
559
00:45:05,496 --> 00:45:09,500
What did you expect?
"Welcome, sonny...
560
00:45:09,750 --> 00:45:12,461
...make yourself at home"?
561
00:45:12,628 --> 00:45:14,213
"Marry my daughter"?
562
00:45:14,380 --> 00:45:18,300
You've got to remember
that these are just simple farmers.
563
00:45:18,717 --> 00:45:21,720
These are people of the land.
564
00:45:21,887 --> 00:45:25,808
The common clay of the new West.
565
00:45:26,934 --> 00:45:28,477
You know...
566
00:45:30,187 --> 00:45:31,480
...morons.
567
00:45:35,526 --> 00:45:37,861
What the hell is that?
568
00:45:52,334 --> 00:45:53,752
Mongo!
569
00:45:53,919 --> 00:45:56,255
Santa Maria!
570
00:45:57,506 --> 00:46:01,510
I believe in it. Any one of you
friends and neighbors gather around--
571
00:46:01,969 --> 00:46:04,054
Holy shit!
572
00:46:09,435 --> 00:46:12,521
And they say that now,
in Paris, France...
573
00:46:12,688 --> 00:46:14,815
...even as we speak...
574
00:46:14,982 --> 00:46:18,402
...Louis Pasteur has devised
a new vaccine...
575
00:46:18,569 --> 00:46:21,697
...that will obliterate anthrax
once and for all.
576
00:46:26,869 --> 00:46:29,538
Hey, you can't
park that animal over there.
577
00:46:29,705 --> 00:46:31,748
It's illegal.
578
00:46:38,630 --> 00:46:41,758
Think of it, gentlemen,
hoof-and-mouth disease...
579
00:46:41,925 --> 00:46:45,679
- ...a thing of the past.
- Never mind that shit.
580
00:46:45,846 --> 00:46:47,514
Here comes Mongo!
581
00:46:53,604 --> 00:46:56,023
I don't know what it is.
582
00:46:57,566 --> 00:47:00,402
Sheriff, Mongo's back! He's--
583
00:47:01,862 --> 00:47:04,031
Sheriff, Mongo's back.
He's breaking up the whole town.
584
00:47:04,198 --> 00:47:05,782
You've got to help us, please!
585
00:47:05,949 --> 00:47:08,410
Did you hear that?
Now, it's "please."
586
00:47:08,577 --> 00:47:11,580
This morning, I couldn't get
the time of day.
587
00:47:11,747 --> 00:47:13,123
Who is this Mongo anyway?
588
00:47:13,290 --> 00:47:16,752
Well, Mongo ain't exactly a who,
he's more of a what.
589
00:47:16,919 --> 00:47:18,921
- What he said.
- Well, now, I don't know--
590
00:47:19,087 --> 00:47:22,424
Oh, thank you, sheriff.
Oh, thank you very much.
591
00:47:22,591 --> 00:47:24,134
Thank you.
592
00:47:24,301 --> 00:47:26,345
The fool's going to--
593
00:47:26,512 --> 00:47:29,306
I mean, the sheriff's going to do it.
594
00:47:34,436 --> 00:47:36,480
No, no, don't do that. Don't do that.
595
00:47:36,647 --> 00:47:39,733
If you shoot him,
you'll just make him mad.
596
00:47:50,202 --> 00:47:52,621
Candy-gram for Mongo.
597
00:47:58,085 --> 00:47:59,711
Candy-gram for Mongo.
598
00:48:01,547 --> 00:48:03,257
Candy-gram for Mongo.
599
00:48:03,423 --> 00:48:05,759
- Candy-gram for Mongo.
- Me Mongo.
600
00:48:05,926 --> 00:48:07,386
Sign, please.
601
00:48:12,307 --> 00:48:14,101
Thank you.
602
00:48:18,272 --> 00:48:20,649
Mongo like candy.
603
00:48:27,114 --> 00:48:29,700
- A little further down, to the right.
- You know...
604
00:48:29,866 --> 00:48:32,828
...I thought sure that Mongo
would just mash him up...
605
00:48:32,995 --> 00:48:36,456
...into little sheriff meatballs.
I just don't understand it.
606
00:48:36,623 --> 00:48:38,834
- Be still, Taggart.
- Yes, sir.
607
00:48:39,001 --> 00:48:43,839
My mind is a raging torrent,
flooded with rivulets of thought...
608
00:48:44,006 --> 00:48:48,385
...cascading into a waterfall
of creative alternatives.
609
00:48:48,552 --> 00:48:50,887
Goldarn it, Mr. Lamarr...
610
00:48:51,054 --> 00:48:54,850
...you use your tongue prettier
than a $20 whore.
611
00:48:57,644 --> 00:48:59,688
Shitkicker.
612
00:48:59,855 --> 00:49:02,941
Wait a minute. That's it!
613
00:49:03,108 --> 00:49:06,278
Of course. And it will work!
614
00:49:06,445 --> 00:49:09,031
You bet it will. What will work?
615
00:49:09,197 --> 00:49:12,117
Elementary, cactus-head.
The beast has failed.
616
00:49:12,284 --> 00:49:17,497
And when the beast fails,
it's time to call in beauty.
617
00:49:17,664 --> 00:49:20,626
- Beauty?
- Yes, of course.
618
00:49:20,792 --> 00:49:24,087
She's never failed me before.
She'll turn him into jelly.
619
00:49:24,254 --> 00:49:27,424
She'll bring him to his knees.
620
00:49:29,051 --> 00:49:31,887
Where's my froggy? Where's my froggy?!
621
00:49:32,054 --> 00:49:37,559
- I didn't see it when I come in.
- Look, damn your eyes, look for it!
622
00:49:38,185 --> 00:49:41,146
- Taggart.
- Sorry, sir.
623
00:49:41,938 --> 00:49:44,232
Hurry, get it. Will you look around?
624
00:49:44,399 --> 00:49:46,443
- There it is.
- Give it to me. Hurry!
625
00:49:46,610 --> 00:49:48,570
Quick, Taggart! Quick!
626
00:49:50,906 --> 00:49:53,200
That was a close one.
627
00:49:53,367 --> 00:49:56,453
Daddy loves froggy.
Froggy love Daddy?
628
00:49:58,997 --> 00:50:00,165
Ribbit.
629
00:50:01,249 --> 00:50:02,292
Ribbit.
630
00:50:05,754 --> 00:50:09,299
- I don't know how you did it.
- Oh, he was nothing.
631
00:50:09,466 --> 00:50:12,469
The bitch was inventing the candy-gram.
632
00:50:12,636 --> 00:50:15,138
And they probably
won't give me credit for it.
633
00:50:23,939 --> 00:50:28,276
Good evening, sheriff.
Sorry about the "up yours, nigger."
634
00:50:28,443 --> 00:50:31,780
I hope this apple pie
will, in some small way, say thank you...
635
00:50:31,947 --> 00:50:36,451
...for your ingenuity and courage
in defeating that horrible Mongo.
636
00:50:36,618 --> 00:50:40,122
Well, thank you. Much obliged.
Good night.
637
00:50:49,339 --> 00:50:53,427
Of course, you'll have the good taste
not to mention that I spoke to you.
638
00:50:53,593 --> 00:50:55,470
- Of course.
- Thank you.
639
00:50:55,637 --> 00:50:57,639
Good night.
640
00:50:58,765 --> 00:51:03,603
Huh, I'm rapidly becoming
a big underground success in this town.
641
00:51:03,770 --> 00:51:07,899
See, in another 25 years you'll be able
to shake their hands in broad daylight.
642
00:51:08,066 --> 00:51:10,569
Well, I ain't gonna
hold my breath for it.
643
00:51:10,736 --> 00:51:12,529
Come on, I don't wanna be late.
644
00:51:12,696 --> 00:51:15,782
That Lili Von Shtupp
is opening tonight.
645
00:51:15,949 --> 00:51:19,286
- Lili Von who?
- Shtupp.
646
00:51:34,134 --> 00:51:37,262
Welcome. Come on in.
647
00:51:39,181 --> 00:51:41,099
- Lili.
- Hedy.
648
00:51:41,266 --> 00:51:44,936
It's Hedley. For you, my dear.
649
00:51:45,103 --> 00:51:46,354
Oh.
650
00:51:47,063 --> 00:51:49,107
How ordinary.
651
00:51:50,484 --> 00:51:54,029
Oh, Lili. Lili, Lili, Lili, legs.
652
00:51:54,196 --> 00:51:56,198
Lili, Lili.
653
00:51:56,364 --> 00:51:59,701
I cannot find the words
to truly express my joy...
654
00:51:59,868 --> 00:52:02,370
...at the rekindling
of our association.
655
00:52:02,537 --> 00:52:06,333
Bullshit. What's the job?
656
00:52:07,542 --> 00:52:10,003
I love it when you talk dirty.
657
00:52:21,640 --> 00:52:24,643
Come on, Lamarr, let's get down
to brass tacks.
658
00:52:24,810 --> 00:52:27,145
What do you want me to do?
659
00:52:28,396 --> 00:52:32,776
I want you to seduce and abandon
the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
660
00:52:32,943 --> 00:52:35,070
You think you can do it?
661
00:52:36,947 --> 00:52:38,698
Is Bismarck a herring?
662
00:52:38,865 --> 00:52:41,076
Oh, Lili, you're magnificent.
663
00:52:41,243 --> 00:52:43,245
Kiss me.
664
00:52:54,089 --> 00:52:56,007
And now, folks...
665
00:52:56,174 --> 00:52:58,927
...that gal y'all have been
waiting for...
666
00:52:59,094 --> 00:53:01,513
...the Bavarian bombshell herself.
667
00:53:01,680 --> 00:53:04,766
Let's hear it for Lili Von Shtupp!
668
00:53:16,820 --> 00:53:20,699
Here I stand, the goddess of desire
669
00:53:20,866 --> 00:53:23,118
Set men on fire
670
00:53:23,285 --> 00:53:25,787
I have this power
671
00:53:26,621 --> 00:53:30,500
Morning, noon and night
It's drink and dancing
672
00:53:30,667 --> 00:53:33,211
Some quick romancing
673
00:53:33,378 --> 00:53:36,131
And then a shower
674
00:53:36,381 --> 00:53:40,135
Stagedoor Johnnies
Constantly surround me
675
00:53:40,302 --> 00:53:45,640
They always hound me
With one request
676
00:53:45,807 --> 00:53:49,603
Who can satisfy their lustful habit?
677
00:53:49,769 --> 00:53:52,188
I'm not a rabbit
678
00:53:52,355 --> 00:53:58,653
I need some rest
679
00:54:01,823 --> 00:54:05,410
I'm tired
680
00:54:05,577 --> 00:54:09,664
Sick and tired of love
681
00:54:10,457 --> 00:54:14,002
I've had my fill of love
682
00:54:14,794 --> 00:54:19,507
From below and above
683
00:54:21,259 --> 00:54:23,303
Tired
684
00:54:23,470 --> 00:54:27,724
Tired of being admired
685
00:54:27,891 --> 00:54:32,395
Tired of love uninspired
686
00:54:33,021 --> 00:54:35,690
Let's face it
I'm tired
687
00:54:37,484 --> 00:54:41,071
I've been with thousands of men
688
00:54:41,237 --> 00:54:43,365
Again and again
689
00:54:43,531 --> 00:54:46,326
They promise the moon
690
00:54:46,493 --> 00:54:50,038
They're always coming and going
691
00:54:50,205 --> 00:54:53,124
And going and coming
692
00:54:53,291 --> 00:54:56,127
And always too soon
693
00:54:56,294 --> 00:54:57,671
Right, girls?
694
00:54:57,837 --> 00:55:00,382
I'm tired
695
00:55:00,548 --> 00:55:04,761
Tired of playing the game
696
00:55:04,928 --> 00:55:09,057
Ain't it a crying shame?
697
00:55:09,224 --> 00:55:12,894
I'm so tired
698
00:55:13,061 --> 00:55:15,230
Goddamn it, I'm exhausted.
699
00:55:17,691 --> 00:55:20,902
- Hello, cowboy. What's your name?
- Tex, ma'am.
700
00:55:21,069 --> 00:55:24,531
Tex Ma'am? Tell me, Tex Ma'am...
701
00:55:24,698 --> 00:55:26,866
- ...are you in show business?
- Nope.
702
00:55:27,033 --> 00:55:29,911
Well, then why don't you get
your frigging feet off the stage!
703
00:55:43,883 --> 00:55:47,012
Hello, handsome.
Is that a 10-gallon hat...
704
00:55:47,178 --> 00:55:49,180
...or are you just enjoying the show?
705
00:55:56,980 --> 00:56:01,234
- Oh, Miss Lili. Oh, my lovely baby.
- My God.
706
00:56:01,401 --> 00:56:02,986
Oh, my pussycat.
707
00:56:06,448 --> 00:56:08,783
Wanna dance, baby?
Oh!
708
00:56:10,118 --> 00:56:12,120
Tired
709
00:56:12,287 --> 00:56:16,541
Tired of playing the game
710
00:56:16,708 --> 00:56:20,879
Ain't it a crying shame?
711
00:56:21,046 --> 00:56:25,800
I'm so tired
712
00:56:31,473 --> 00:56:33,516
- She's tired
- She's tired
713
00:56:33,683 --> 00:56:36,311
- Sick and tired of love
- Give her a break
714
00:56:36,478 --> 00:56:39,147
- She's had her fill of love
- She's not a snake
715
00:56:39,314 --> 00:56:43,234
- From below and above
- Can't you see she's sick?
716
00:56:43,401 --> 00:56:44,736
- Tired
- She's bushed
717
00:56:44,903 --> 00:56:47,489
- Tired of being admired
- Let her alone
718
00:56:47,655 --> 00:56:49,491
Tired of love uninspired
719
00:56:49,657 --> 00:56:51,993
- Don't you know?- She's tired
720
00:56:52,160 --> 00:56:53,828
Don't you know she's pooped?
721
00:56:53,995 --> 00:56:57,624
I've been with thousands of men
722
00:56:57,791 --> 00:56:59,834
Again and again
723
00:57:00,001 --> 00:57:02,837
They sing the same tune
724
00:57:03,338 --> 00:57:06,508
They start with Byron and Shelley
725
00:57:06,674 --> 00:57:11,221
Then jump on your belly
And bust your balloon
726
00:57:11,387 --> 00:57:12,680
Tired
727
00:57:15,683 --> 00:57:17,519
Tired
728
00:57:17,685 --> 00:57:21,898
Tired of playing the game
729
00:57:22,065 --> 00:57:26,319
Ain't it a frigging shame?
730
00:57:26,486 --> 00:57:28,988
I'm so--
731
00:57:29,155 --> 00:57:30,698
Let's face it...
732
00:57:30,865 --> 00:57:34,786
...everything below the waist
is kaput!
733
00:57:34,953 --> 00:57:38,581
Tired
734
00:58:08,945 --> 00:58:10,738
What's it say?
735
00:58:10,905 --> 00:58:13,575
"I must see you alone
in my dressing room...
736
00:58:13,741 --> 00:58:16,244
...right after the show."
737
00:58:23,918 --> 00:58:26,171
Welcome. Come on in.
738
00:58:33,678 --> 00:58:35,930
Far out.
739
00:58:36,472 --> 00:58:38,141
For you.
740
00:58:38,308 --> 00:58:39,601
Ooh.
741
00:58:39,934 --> 00:58:42,103
A red rose.
742
00:58:42,270 --> 00:58:44,647
How romantic.
743
00:58:44,814 --> 00:58:46,900
Have a seat, sheriff.
744
00:58:52,572 --> 00:58:54,616
Won't you excuse me
for a moment...
745
00:58:54,782 --> 00:58:58,620
...while I slip into something
a little bit more comfortable?
746
00:59:00,455 --> 00:59:02,624
Bitte, baby.
747
00:59:02,790 --> 00:59:04,083
Oh.
748
00:59:09,422 --> 00:59:11,132
Why don't you...
749
00:59:11,299 --> 00:59:13,468
...loosen your bullets.
750
00:59:18,890 --> 00:59:21,809
Ah. I feel refreshed.
751
00:59:22,393 --> 00:59:25,188
Isn't it bright in here?
752
00:59:30,860 --> 00:59:33,821
There. Isn't that better?
753
00:59:35,949 --> 00:59:37,659
Pardon me, I'll be back in a moment.
754
00:59:38,993 --> 00:59:40,828
Goddamn it.
755
00:59:42,288 --> 00:59:45,833
- How's it going?
- He's like wet sauerkraut in my hands.
756
00:59:46,209 --> 00:59:49,337
- By morning, he will be my slave.
- Splendid.
757
00:59:49,504 --> 00:59:52,215
- Just let me have a little feel.
- Out of here!
758
00:59:52,382 --> 00:59:54,759
Where were we? Where are you?
759
00:59:54,926 --> 01:00:00,014
Ah. Oh, yes. Let me sit down
next to you.
760
01:00:00,348 --> 01:00:01,516
Uh....
761
01:00:01,683 --> 01:00:03,518
Tell me, schwarzie...
762
01:00:03,685 --> 01:00:08,856
...is it true what they say
about the way you people are gifted?
763
01:00:10,692 --> 01:00:12,902
Oh, it's true.
764
01:00:13,069 --> 01:00:14,570
It's true.
765
01:00:14,737 --> 01:00:18,074
It's true, it's true.
766
01:00:19,993 --> 01:00:22,328
Would you care for
another schnitzengruben?
767
01:00:22,495 --> 01:00:27,208
No, thank you.
Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengruben.
768
01:00:27,375 --> 01:00:30,962
Well, then, how about a little...?
769
01:00:33,506 --> 01:00:37,552
Baby, please, I am not from Havana.
770
01:00:37,719 --> 01:00:39,387
Excuse me, honey.
771
01:00:39,554 --> 01:00:43,725
Besides, I'm late for work.
I got some heavy chores to do.
772
01:00:43,891 --> 01:00:47,312
Will I...? Will I see you later?
773
01:00:47,478 --> 01:00:51,774
That all depends on how much
vitamin E I can get my hands on.
774
01:00:54,736 --> 01:00:58,406
No, no, you mustn't go. I need you.
I never met nobody like you.
775
01:00:58,573 --> 01:01:00,783
I can't live without you.
776
01:01:02,827 --> 01:01:08,082
Please, you're making
a German spectacle of yourself.
777
01:01:09,542 --> 01:01:11,794
Auf Wiedersehen, baby.
778
01:01:18,760 --> 01:01:21,888
Oh, what a nice guy.
779
01:01:28,102 --> 01:01:33,274
Oh, dearie dear.
Look what the cat dragged in.
780
01:01:43,951 --> 01:01:44,952
Hey.
781
01:01:45,119 --> 01:01:49,415
- What's happening in the clean world?
- Oh, bad news.
782
01:01:49,582 --> 01:01:54,462
I got a writ here for Mongo's release
signed by Hedley Lamarr himself.
783
01:01:56,631 --> 01:01:58,466
Hedley Lamarr?
784
01:01:58,633 --> 01:02:01,844
Why would a dude like Hedley Lamarr
care about Mongo?
785
01:02:02,011 --> 01:02:04,263
You got me.
786
01:02:05,223 --> 01:02:07,308
It's legal.
787
01:02:08,976 --> 01:02:13,272
Oh, them schnitzengrubens
can wipe you out.
788
01:02:19,695 --> 01:02:22,532
Wake-up time!
789
01:02:27,245 --> 01:02:31,416
Okay, Mongo, you're free to go.
790
01:02:31,833 --> 01:02:34,085
Mongo no go.
791
01:02:35,461 --> 01:02:40,550
Oh, come on, Mongo.
You a free man.
792
01:02:41,092 --> 01:02:43,845
Mongo stay with Sheriff Bart.
793
01:02:44,011 --> 01:02:47,348
Sheriff first man ever whip Mongo.
794
01:02:47,515 --> 01:02:51,769
Mongo impressed.
Have deep feelings for Sheriff Bart.
795
01:02:53,563 --> 01:02:56,065
Oh, you better watch out, big fella.
796
01:02:56,232 --> 01:02:59,318
I think Mongo's taken
a little fancy to you.
797
01:03:01,737 --> 01:03:03,197
Oh....
798
01:03:03,448 --> 01:03:06,242
Mongo straight.
799
01:03:07,368 --> 01:03:10,872
Listen, Mongo. Maybe you know.
800
01:03:11,038 --> 01:03:15,126
Why is a high roller like Hedley Lamarr
interested in Rock Ridge?
801
01:03:15,293 --> 01:03:17,170
Don't know.
802
01:03:17,336 --> 01:03:19,464
Got to do with where choo-choo go.
803
01:03:22,758 --> 01:03:27,054
Mongo, why would Hedley Lamarr care
about where the choo-choo go?
804
01:03:27,889 --> 01:03:30,016
Don't know.
805
01:03:30,933 --> 01:03:36,230
Mongo only pawn in game of life.
806
01:03:36,814 --> 01:03:40,735
Choo-choo. I think this might be
a good time to mosey out...
807
01:03:40,902 --> 01:03:45,823
...where they're building on the railroad
and maybe do a little snooping.
808
01:04:22,902 --> 01:04:25,530
Damn. Damn.
809
01:04:25,696 --> 01:04:27,031
Damn!
810
01:04:27,323 --> 01:04:29,909
How you doing?
Hey, how you doing, Bart?
811
01:04:30,076 --> 01:04:32,662
Hey, Bart! Hey!
812
01:04:32,954 --> 01:04:36,541
Hey, how you doing, Bart?
Woo! Get down off that horse.
813
01:04:36,707 --> 01:04:39,961
- What's happening?
- Yeah, man.
814
01:04:40,127 --> 01:04:43,965
- Yeah! What's going on, big dude?
- You shifty nigga!
815
01:04:44,131 --> 01:04:46,634
- They said you was hung!
- And they was right.
816
01:04:46,801 --> 01:04:50,137
Ooh, look at that star.
Hoo-ee! Civil Service.
817
01:04:50,304 --> 01:04:53,641
- Give me some more of that.
- All right, yeah.
818
01:04:53,808 --> 01:04:55,810
Wait, wait. Back off, scamp.
819
01:04:55,977 --> 01:04:59,105
You are addressing
the duly-appointed sheriff of Rock Ridge.
820
01:04:59,480 --> 01:05:02,900
Rock Ridge? Hey, the railroad's
going through there.
821
01:05:18,499 --> 01:05:21,627
Back up off him, brother!
Don't you rush him, brother...
822
01:05:21,794 --> 01:05:23,963
...and mess up the brother's fines.
823
01:05:38,394 --> 01:05:41,856
Well, holy mother of pearl.
824
01:05:42,023 --> 01:05:45,610
It's that nigger that went and hit me
on the head with a shovel.
825
01:05:45,776 --> 01:05:49,363
Now, what the hell do you think
you're doing with that tin star, boy?
826
01:05:49,530 --> 01:05:54,702
Watch that "boy" shit, redneck.
You talking to the sheriff of Rock Ridge.
827
01:05:56,579 --> 01:05:58,956
Well, now, if that don't beat all.
828
01:05:59,123 --> 01:06:01,292
Here we take the good time and trouble...
829
01:06:01,459 --> 01:06:05,546
...to slaughter every last Indian in the West,
and for what?
830
01:06:05,713 --> 01:06:10,760
So they can appoint a sheriff
that's blacker than any Indian.
831
01:06:10,926 --> 01:06:12,553
I am depressed.
832
01:06:12,720 --> 01:06:16,390
Excuse me, Mr. Taggart, sir,
but I sure do hate to see you like this.
833
01:06:16,557 --> 01:06:19,393
What if me and the boys
was to shoot that nigger dead?
834
01:06:19,560 --> 01:06:22,730
- Would that pep you up some?
- That might help.
835
01:06:22,897 --> 01:06:28,861
- All right, boys. On the count of three.
- I wouldn't do that if I were you.
836
01:06:29,487 --> 01:06:33,908
Don't pay no attention to that alky.
He can't hold a gun, much less shoot it.
837
01:06:36,911 --> 01:06:39,497
Like I said, on the count of three.
838
01:06:41,082 --> 01:06:42,333
One.
839
01:06:43,834 --> 01:06:45,419
Two.
840
01:06:45,836 --> 01:06:47,088
Three.
841
01:06:57,932 --> 01:07:03,479
Well, don't just sit there looking stupid,
grasping your hands in pain.
842
01:07:03,646 --> 01:07:07,274
How about a little applause
for the Waco Kid?
843
01:07:18,160 --> 01:07:21,372
All right, I'm through being Mr. Goodbar.
844
01:07:21,539 --> 01:07:25,501
The time has come to act, and act quickly.
All of my plans have backfired.
845
01:07:25,668 --> 01:07:28,170
Instead of leaving,
folks are staying in droves.
846
01:07:28,337 --> 01:07:32,383
Why don't you admit it.
He's too much of a man for you. I know.
847
01:07:32,550 --> 01:07:36,846
You gonna need an army to beat him.
You're finished.
848
01:07:47,815 --> 01:07:51,902
Shut up! You Teutonic twat.
849
01:07:52,069 --> 01:07:55,156
I must think.
850
01:08:01,829 --> 01:08:05,082
Wait a minute. She said "army."
851
01:08:05,249 --> 01:08:07,001
Of course.
852
01:08:07,168 --> 01:08:12,339
An army of the worst dregs
ever to soil the face of the West.
853
01:08:12,506 --> 01:08:15,217
- Taggart!
- Yes, sir?
854
01:08:15,551 --> 01:08:20,306
I've decided to launch an attack
that will reduce Rock Ridge to ashes.
855
01:08:20,473 --> 01:08:23,058
- What do you want me to do?
- Round up...
856
01:08:23,225 --> 01:08:27,688
...every vicious criminal and gunslinger
in the West. Take this down.
857
01:08:27,855 --> 01:08:32,359
I want rustlers, cutthroats,
murderers, bounty hunters...
858
01:08:32,526 --> 01:08:37,072
...desperadoes, mugs, pugs, thugs,
nitwits, half-wits, dimwits...
859
01:08:37,239 --> 01:08:42,036
...vipers, snipers, con men,
Indian agents, Mexican bandits...
860
01:08:42,203 --> 01:08:45,581
...muggers, buggerers,
bushwhackers, hornswogglers...
861
01:08:45,748 --> 01:08:49,376
...horse thieves, bull dykes, train robbers,
bank robbers, asskickers...
862
01:08:49,543 --> 01:08:52,463
...shitkickers and Methodists!
863
01:08:54,757 --> 01:08:57,218
Could you repeat that, sir?
864
01:09:06,393 --> 01:09:07,895
Where's everybody going?
865
01:09:09,730 --> 01:09:10,981
Read this.
866
01:09:21,242 --> 01:09:25,412
Well, can't you see that's the last act
of a desperate man?
867
01:09:25,579 --> 01:09:30,501
We don't care if it's the first act
of Henry V. We're leaving.
868
01:09:31,126 --> 01:09:35,548
Now, wait a minute.
Wait just one doggone minute here.
869
01:09:36,006 --> 01:09:41,095
Just give me 24 hours to come up
with a brilliant idea to save our town.
870
01:09:41,262 --> 01:09:46,016
- Just 24 hours, that's all I ask.
- No!
871
01:09:46,809 --> 01:09:52,189
- You'd do it for Randolph Scott.
- Randolph Scott.
872
01:09:54,441 --> 01:09:58,696
All right, sheriff, 24 hours.
873
01:10:49,496 --> 01:10:52,124
Black son of a bitch! I ought to--
874
01:10:57,963 --> 01:10:59,757
Next!
875
01:11:00,090 --> 01:11:04,303
- Qualifications?
- Rape, murder, arson and rape.
876
01:11:04,678 --> 01:11:09,016
- You said "rape" twice.
- I like rape.
877
01:11:09,850 --> 01:11:14,063
- He'll do.
- Charming. Sign right here.
878
01:11:14,521 --> 01:11:16,982
Take that badge.
879
01:11:17,149 --> 01:11:19,026
Next!
880
01:11:19,944 --> 01:11:21,195
Qualifications?
881
01:11:21,445 --> 01:11:24,949
Arson, armed robbery, mayhem--
882
01:11:25,115 --> 01:11:28,827
Wait a moment.
What have you got in your mouth?
883
01:11:30,537 --> 01:11:35,250
- Nothing.
- Nothing, eh? Lyle.
884
01:11:37,211 --> 01:11:41,256
- Gum.
- Chewing gum on line, eh?
885
01:11:41,423 --> 01:11:44,885
I hope you brought enough
for everybody.
886
01:11:46,345 --> 01:11:49,139
I didn't know there was gonna be
so many.
887
01:11:53,727 --> 01:11:55,980
Boy, is he strict.
888
01:11:56,146 --> 01:12:00,067
We gotta get in there close
and find out what's happening.
889
01:12:01,068 --> 01:12:02,486
There's our ticket.
890
01:12:09,243 --> 01:12:10,577
Hey, boys!
891
01:12:12,037 --> 01:12:14,748
Look what I got here.
892
01:12:15,666 --> 01:12:17,668
Hey, where the white women at?
893
01:12:31,849 --> 01:12:33,934
Man, that was pretty. I liked that.
894
01:12:34,935 --> 01:12:39,773
Be ready to attack Rock Ridge
at noon tomorrow. Here's your badge.
895
01:12:40,607 --> 01:12:42,359
Badges?
896
01:12:42,526 --> 01:12:46,280
We don't need no stinking badges!
897
01:12:47,364 --> 01:12:48,615
Next!
898
01:12:48,907 --> 01:12:52,077
- Qualifications?
- Stampeding cattle.
899
01:12:52,244 --> 01:12:55,622
- That's not much of a crime.
- Through the Vatican?
900
01:12:55,956 --> 01:12:59,710
Kinky. Sign here.
901
01:13:00,335 --> 01:13:02,588
Why, Rhett, how many times
have I told you...
902
01:13:02,755 --> 01:13:05,466
...to wash up after weekly cross-burning?
903
01:13:05,632 --> 01:13:07,843
See? It's coming off.
904
01:13:09,303 --> 01:13:13,057
And now, for my next impression,
Jesse Owens.
905
01:13:13,474 --> 01:13:16,560
Seize them! Catch them! Get them!
906
01:13:16,727 --> 01:13:22,316
Mount up, men!
We'll head them off at the pass!
907
01:13:22,483 --> 01:13:26,445
"Head them off at the pass"?
I hate that cliché.
908
01:13:43,962 --> 01:13:45,339
What you--?
909
01:13:45,506 --> 01:13:48,675
- Say hello.
- Hello.
910
01:13:48,842 --> 01:13:51,178
Listen to me, and listen to me good.
911
01:13:51,345 --> 01:13:53,263
Get all the brothers together.
912
01:13:53,430 --> 01:13:57,851
Round up all the lumber, canvas, paint
and nails you can lay your hands on...
913
01:13:58,018 --> 01:14:03,148
...and meet me tonight, three miles
due east of Rock Ridge at midnight.
914
01:14:03,315 --> 01:14:07,319
- You understand? Say goodbye.
- Goodbye.
915
01:14:07,486 --> 01:14:09,696
Thanks a lot, brother.
916
01:14:13,200 --> 01:14:14,576
- Get up.
- What's happening?
917
01:14:14,743 --> 01:14:18,372
Get up, man. Listen, we gotta
get some nails, canvas and a wagon.
918
01:14:37,599 --> 01:14:40,727
Folks, I know you're confused,
wondering what you're doing...
919
01:14:40,894 --> 01:14:45,482
- ...in the prairie in the middle of the night.
- You bet your ass!
920
01:14:45,649 --> 01:14:47,067
I'm hip.
921
01:14:47,234 --> 01:14:50,946
Now, before the sun comes up,
we're gonna build on this site...
922
01:14:51,113 --> 01:14:55,075
...an exact replica of the town
of Rock Ridge.
923
01:14:57,995 --> 01:15:01,498
Every building, every storefront,
every rock and every tree...
924
01:15:01,665 --> 01:15:05,377
...right down to the orange roof
on Howard Johnson's outhouse.
925
01:15:05,544 --> 01:15:06,670
Ah!
926
01:15:06,837 --> 01:15:10,507
I get it! Tomorrow, when Hedley Lamarr
and his men come riding in...
927
01:15:10,674 --> 01:15:14,511
...to destroy the real Rock Ridge,
they'll destroy the fake Rock Ridge.
928
01:15:14,678 --> 01:15:18,932
They'll think it's the real Rock Ridge,
but we'll know it's the fake Rock Ridge.
929
01:15:19,099 --> 01:15:22,686
How are we gonna do it?
We ain't got the time or the people.
930
01:15:22,853 --> 01:15:25,272
Wrong! There's why.
931
01:15:27,983 --> 01:15:30,402
Who the hell are they?
932
01:15:33,697 --> 01:15:35,532
Railroad workers.
933
01:15:35,699 --> 01:15:38,911
They've agreed to help us
make our dream come true.
934
01:15:39,077 --> 01:15:43,790
All they ask in return is a little plot of land
they can call their own to homestead.
935
01:15:43,957 --> 01:15:45,918
Now, what do you say?
936
01:15:46,084 --> 01:15:47,377
Um....
937
01:15:51,089 --> 01:15:56,470
All right. We'll give some land
to the niggers and the Chinks...
938
01:15:56,637 --> 01:15:59,014
...but we don't want the Irish.
939
01:16:03,644 --> 01:16:05,604
- Everybody. Come on.
- No deal.
940
01:16:06,396 --> 01:16:08,899
Ah, prairie shit.
941
01:16:09,066 --> 01:16:10,317
Everybody.
942
01:16:14,571 --> 01:16:16,657
Oh, Lord!
943
01:16:16,823 --> 01:16:18,992
Do we have the strength...
944
01:16:19,159 --> 01:16:24,081
...to carry on this mighty task
in one night?
945
01:16:24,331 --> 01:16:30,003
- Or are we just jerking off?
- Amen.
946
01:16:37,344 --> 01:16:40,347
Okay, okay. We have done it.
947
01:16:40,514 --> 01:16:42,599
Now let's see what we have done.
948
01:17:22,764 --> 01:17:27,394
Men, you are about
to embark on a great crusade...
949
01:17:28,186 --> 01:17:30,897
...to stamp out runaway decency
in the West.
950
01:17:31,356 --> 01:17:33,859
Now, you will only be risking your lives...
951
01:17:34,026 --> 01:17:39,573
...whilst I will be risking an almost certain
Academy Award nomination...
952
01:17:39,740 --> 01:17:41,908
...for Best Supporting Actor.
953
01:17:42,075 --> 01:17:44,244
Now raise your right hand
for the pledge.
954
01:17:46,496 --> 01:17:48,457
Right!
955
01:17:49,333 --> 01:17:53,420
- Now repeat after me. I...
- I...
956
01:17:53,587 --> 01:17:56,256
- ...your name....
- ...your name....
957
01:17:56,423 --> 01:17:58,383
Schmucks.
958
01:17:58,550 --> 01:18:01,553
- Pledge allegiance...
- Pledge allegiance...
959
01:18:01,720 --> 01:18:05,098
- ...to Hedley Lamarr....
- ...to Hedy Lamarr....
960
01:18:05,265 --> 01:18:08,602
- That's "Hedley"!
- That's Hedley!
961
01:18:08,769 --> 01:18:12,272
- And to the evil...
- And to the evil...
962
01:18:12,439 --> 01:18:15,776
- ...for which he stands.
- ...for which he stands.
963
01:18:15,942 --> 01:18:19,571
Now go do that voodoo...
964
01:18:19,738 --> 01:18:23,700
...that you do so well!
965
01:18:31,041 --> 01:18:33,460
Hold it! Hold it!
966
01:18:33,627 --> 01:18:37,756
Hold the happiness. We are in trouble.
967
01:18:38,006 --> 01:18:40,634
Yep, we forgot one little detail.
968
01:18:40,801 --> 01:18:44,596
Nothing's missing. Everything's here,
down to the last hitching post.
969
01:18:45,138 --> 01:18:50,560
- People. There's no people.
- Hey, now, don't panic. Don't panic.
970
01:18:50,727 --> 01:18:53,647
We just made a perfect copy
of Rock Ridge.
971
01:18:53,814 --> 01:18:57,734
Now all we've got to do
is make perfect copies of ourselves.
972
01:18:58,318 --> 01:19:00,987
But they'll be here in half an hour.
973
01:19:01,154 --> 01:19:03,407
Right, so we've got to start working fast.
974
01:19:03,573 --> 01:19:07,828
You men start working on the dummies.
Jim and Mongo, come with me.
975
01:19:07,994 --> 01:19:11,540
I got an idea that'll slow them down
to a crawl.
976
01:19:11,706 --> 01:19:14,000
- All right, let's go.
- You guys go over there.
977
01:19:21,091 --> 01:19:23,427
Yeah, that's nice. That's nice.
978
01:19:41,528 --> 01:19:42,904
Whoa!
979
01:19:45,198 --> 01:19:47,701
Le Petomane Thruway?!
980
01:19:47,868 --> 01:19:50,662
Now, what will that asshole think of next?
981
01:19:52,581 --> 01:19:56,084
- Has anybody got a dime?
- I don't have any change.
982
01:19:56,251 --> 01:19:59,254
Somebody's gotta go back
and get a shitload of dimes.
983
01:20:08,805 --> 01:20:12,726
Hurry up. Speed it up.
Hell, we ain't ever gonna get to Rock Ridge.
984
01:20:12,893 --> 01:20:16,229
Come on, move them through.
Move them through.
985
01:20:22,235 --> 01:20:25,155
Well, they're through the tollbooth.
986
01:20:26,781 --> 01:20:29,326
Look at this, they're buying it.
987
01:20:39,419 --> 01:20:43,089
All right, here we go.
Hold your ears, folks.
988
01:20:43,256 --> 01:20:45,926
It's showtime.
989
01:20:49,721 --> 01:20:52,432
- Nothing.
- What are we gonna do?
990
01:20:52,599 --> 01:20:56,895
Any minute now they're gonna discover
that the town is fake and pull out.
991
01:20:57,062 --> 01:21:00,732
Jim, baby. You think you could squeeze off
a little shot from here...
992
01:21:00,899 --> 01:21:03,944
...and set off the dynamite down there?
993
01:21:04,110 --> 01:21:06,655
I'll give it a try.
994
01:21:16,039 --> 01:21:19,543
Oh, Lord! Keep this man's eye keen.
995
01:21:19,709 --> 01:21:22,462
And may God grant--
996
01:21:33,765 --> 01:21:35,308
It's a fake!
997
01:21:35,475 --> 01:21:37,143
We've been suckered in!
998
01:21:53,827 --> 01:21:58,081
Okay, folks, let's wipe them out!
999
01:22:22,188 --> 01:22:23,857
Forgive me, Lord!
1000
01:22:35,619 --> 01:22:37,829
You son of a bitch!
1001
01:22:46,463 --> 01:22:48,632
Oh, sorry. Sorry.
1002
01:23:37,180 --> 01:23:39,641
All right, cut!
1003
01:23:43,520 --> 01:23:46,064
Wrong!
1004
01:23:46,773 --> 01:23:51,444
Okay. Just watch me. It's so simple.
1005
01:23:51,611 --> 01:23:53,446
You sissy Marys.
1006
01:23:53,613 --> 01:23:58,201
Give me the playback!
And watch me, faggots.
1007
01:24:09,754 --> 01:24:11,381
Shit.
1008
01:24:11,548 --> 01:24:14,592
- Have you got it?
- Yesssss.
1009
01:24:14,759 --> 01:24:17,053
Sounds like steam escaping.
1010
01:24:17,220 --> 01:24:21,349
Action! Okay, wait till I get out.
Wait till I get out.
1011
01:24:21,516 --> 01:24:25,603
Okay. Playback!
1012
01:24:50,962 --> 01:24:52,547
Cut!
1013
01:24:52,714 --> 01:24:58,094
What in the hell do you think
you're doing here? This is a closed set!
1014
01:24:58,261 --> 01:25:03,057
- Piss on you. I'm working for Mel Brooks.
- Not in the face!
1015
01:25:05,185 --> 01:25:06,519
Thank you.
1016
01:25:06,686 --> 01:25:09,355
They've hit Buddy! Come on, girls!
1017
01:25:19,365 --> 01:25:24,704
- You vulgar shit!
- Why, you miserable pansy.
1018
01:25:28,792 --> 01:25:30,627
I'm parked over by the commissary.
1019
01:25:35,215 --> 01:25:38,843
You brute, you brute, you brute.
You vicious brute!
1020
01:25:40,470 --> 01:25:42,806
All right. All right.
1021
01:25:56,903 --> 01:26:01,908
- How many days do you have left, Joey?
- They lose me right after the bunker scene.
1022
01:26:04,160 --> 01:26:05,411
What the hell is that?
1023
01:26:11,251 --> 01:26:14,879
Get your pies for the great pie fight!
1024
01:26:18,424 --> 01:26:22,053
This is our studio commissary,
where some Hollywood stars eat.
1025
01:26:22,220 --> 01:26:23,263
Keep in line.
1026
01:26:30,436 --> 01:26:33,106
And now we'll go to
the special-effects department.
1027
01:26:37,861 --> 01:26:41,281
Yankee bean soup,
coleslaw and tuna surprise.
1028
01:26:45,326 --> 01:26:47,245
What the fuck's all--?
1029
01:27:21,654 --> 01:27:23,823
Taxi!
1030
01:27:28,119 --> 01:27:30,663
Drive me off this picture.
1031
01:27:59,108 --> 01:28:02,528
You dropped your beads.
One, please.
1032
01:28:03,029 --> 01:28:04,072
Uh....
1033
01:28:04,238 --> 01:28:07,241
- Student?
- Are you kidding?
1034
01:28:08,743 --> 01:28:10,036
Pain in the ass.
1035
01:28:10,411 --> 01:28:15,083
- Look, Herman, I'm in Hedy Lamarr's shoes!
- Hedley.
1036
01:28:18,252 --> 01:28:20,254
Raisinets.
1037
01:28:29,138 --> 01:28:32,642
- Hey, watch out. Hey, you.
- Sorry.
1038
01:28:39,899 --> 01:28:41,693
Shit.
1039
01:28:43,152 --> 01:28:44,904
- Freeze it.
- Oh!
1040
01:28:45,071 --> 01:28:49,242
- Okay, Lamarr, go for your gun.
- Wait, wait, wait.
1041
01:28:49,409 --> 01:28:55,123
- I'm unarmed.
- All right, we'll settle it like men.
1042
01:28:55,915 --> 01:28:57,625
With our fists.
1043
01:28:57,792 --> 01:29:02,005
Sorry, I just remembered.
I am armed.
1044
01:29:09,095 --> 01:29:14,267
How did he do such
fantastic stunts with such little feet?
1045
01:29:19,063 --> 01:29:22,900
Wow. You shot the bad guy.
1046
01:29:24,819 --> 01:29:27,947
- What do you wanna do now?
- Let's check out the end of the flick.
1047
01:29:28,114 --> 01:29:32,452
Yeah. Gee, I sure hope there's a
happy ending. I love a happy ending.
1048
01:29:37,915 --> 01:29:41,127
Sheriff, you can't go now. We need you.
1049
01:29:41,627 --> 01:29:45,965
My work here is done.
I'm needed elsewhere now.
1050
01:29:46,132 --> 01:29:49,093
I'm needed wherever outlaws
rule the West.
1051
01:29:49,260 --> 01:29:53,639
Wherever innocent women and children
are afraid to walk the streets.
1052
01:29:53,806 --> 01:29:56,809
Wherever a man cannot live
in simple dignity.
1053
01:29:56,976 --> 01:30:01,230
And wherever a people
cry out for justice.
1054
01:30:01,647 --> 01:30:03,858
Bullshit.
1055
01:30:05,777 --> 01:30:07,403
All right, you caught me.
1056
01:30:07,570 --> 01:30:10,990
Speak the plain truth,
it's getting pretty damn dull around here.
1057
01:30:11,157 --> 01:30:14,702
Good luck, Bart. And God bless you.
1058
01:30:15,620 --> 01:30:16,662
Oh.
1059
01:30:16,913 --> 01:30:19,165
Oh, Bart!
1060
01:30:19,707 --> 01:30:22,168
Bye, baby bro.
1061
01:30:23,211 --> 01:30:27,298
- Keep the faith, brothers!
- Bye!
1062
01:30:41,354 --> 01:30:42,939
Where you headed, cowboy?
1063
01:30:44,273 --> 01:30:45,608
Nowhere special.
1064
01:30:48,444 --> 01:30:51,280
Nowhere special.
1065
01:30:51,447 --> 01:30:53,533
I always wanted to go there.
1066
01:30:55,284 --> 01:30:56,786
Come on.
80576
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