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1
00:00:03,450 --> 00:00:05,570
But David Cronenberg turned him down,
2
00:00:05,660 --> 00:00:08,479
and that's why he didn't
direct "Return of the Jedi."
3
00:00:08,480 --> 00:00:09,860
And finally, I'd like to talk
4
00:00:09,900 --> 00:00:12,280
to everyone about the word "funt,"
5
00:00:12,300 --> 00:00:14,500
which, technically, is not a swear word
6
00:00:14,540 --> 00:00:16,590
but it could be argued
that it's the combination
7
00:00:16,620 --> 00:00:19,120
of two red alert words here at Whitlock.
8
00:00:19,140 --> 00:00:24,490
So please join me as we Punt the Funt.
9
00:00:24,570 --> 00:00:27,920
All right, all right.
Start shutting up, everybody.
10
00:00:28,200 --> 00:00:30,080
I bring amazing news.
11
00:00:30,130 --> 00:00:32,690
Last night, everything changed,
12
00:00:33,030 --> 00:00:35,240
but don't take it from me,
13
00:00:35,290 --> 00:00:37,120
take it from...
14
00:00:37,160 --> 00:00:38,290
[LIQUID GURGLING]
15
00:00:38,330 --> 00:00:40,030
[RETCHES]
16
00:00:40,080 --> 00:00:42,250
[SIGHING]
17
00:00:42,300 --> 00:00:43,560
Mayonnaise!
18
00:00:43,600 --> 00:00:45,300
[STUDENTS GROANING]
19
00:00:45,340 --> 00:00:48,030
So that is 128 ounces of mayonnaise.
20
00:00:48,070 --> 00:00:49,140
It's a lot, right?
21
00:00:49,180 --> 00:00:50,800
Is this part of the mission
to get revenge
22
00:00:50,830 --> 00:00:52,830
on Anthony's mean karate teacher?
23
00:00:52,870 --> 00:00:55,920
No, we're gonna cut off
Master Kyle's ponytail,
24
00:00:55,960 --> 00:00:58,180
but someone had to have an epiphany.
25
00:00:58,220 --> 00:01:00,750
Yes, yes, I had an epiphany.
26
00:01:00,790 --> 00:01:01,840
I did.
27
00:01:01,870 --> 00:01:04,100
You see, Anthony and I
witnessed a beautiful,
28
00:01:04,140 --> 00:01:05,580
if perplexing, thing.
29
00:01:05,620 --> 00:01:07,230
Right next to Anthony's dojo
30
00:01:07,280 --> 00:01:10,190
is the home of an average
Toledo family, working class,
31
00:01:10,240 --> 00:01:13,070
and last night they were having
some sort of big family dinner.
32
00:01:13,110 --> 00:01:14,760
Everyone had gathered
in the living room,
33
00:01:14,810 --> 00:01:16,330
everyone was hugging and laughing
34
00:01:16,370 --> 00:01:17,800
and eating sandwiches with mayo,
35
00:01:17,820 --> 00:01:19,770
eating celery dipped in mayo.
36
00:01:19,810 --> 00:01:22,290
At one point, I saw a girl,
37
00:01:22,340 --> 00:01:23,730
a child, really,
38
00:01:23,770 --> 00:01:27,330
- eat an entire spoonful of just mayo.
- Ew.
39
00:01:27,360 --> 00:01:28,760
I've never seen anything like it
40
00:01:28,770 --> 00:01:32,620
and I realized that they have
something that I don't have.
41
00:01:34,220 --> 00:01:36,740
Happiness. Yeah.
42
00:01:36,780 --> 00:01:38,790
They work hard all day long
43
00:01:38,830 --> 00:01:41,090
and then they reward themselves
with simple things.
44
00:01:41,140 --> 00:01:44,180
In this case, white gold.
45
00:01:44,230 --> 00:01:45,710
Mm-hmm.
46
00:01:45,750 --> 00:01:48,930
So, this is my new philosophical thesis.
47
00:01:48,970 --> 00:01:51,100
I'm going to describe how the good,
48
00:01:51,150 --> 00:01:54,320
hardworking people of Toledo
have unlocked the key
49
00:01:54,370 --> 00:01:57,330
to happiness through simplicity.
50
00:01:57,370 --> 00:02:00,330
[DETERMINED MUSIC]
51
00:02:00,370 --> 00:02:01,640
♪
52
00:02:01,690 --> 00:02:03,720
I'm gonna write a new book, y'all!
53
00:02:03,850 --> 00:02:05,020
Cool.
54
00:02:05,070 --> 00:02:06,210
What do you say, Anthony?
55
00:02:06,240 --> 00:02:07,640
- Hip-hip...
- Nope.
56
00:02:07,680 --> 00:02:09,440
Nope? He doesn't wanna...
57
00:02:09,470 --> 00:02:12,420
So you're just gonna give up on
your mission to get out of Toledo?
58
00:02:12,470 --> 00:02:13,640
No, no, no, no, no.
59
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:15,380
I'm going to win the Hiyu Isu prize.
60
00:02:15,430 --> 00:02:17,380
It's a major philosophy award.
61
00:02:17,430 --> 00:02:19,600
So, I write the book, win the prize,
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00:02:19,650 --> 00:02:21,430
job offers and money come pouring in,
63
00:02:21,480 --> 00:02:24,280
and then I get the heck out of Toledo.
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00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,310
Boom!
65
00:02:26,350 --> 00:02:28,310
Oh, boy, I see a new kid over here.
66
00:02:28,350 --> 00:02:29,779
Yeah, let me catch you up to speed.
67
00:02:29,780 --> 00:02:32,239
So I'm not gonna teach you
anything in here, okay?
68
00:02:32,240 --> 00:02:33,840
If you keep your mouth shut,
you get an A.
69
00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:36,140
If you say anything to anybody,
you get an F.
70
00:02:36,190 --> 00:02:38,320
Welcome to A.P. Bio.
71
00:02:38,360 --> 00:02:39,580
I've been here the whole time.
72
00:02:39,620 --> 00:02:43,280
[SCOFFS] Okay, well, jeez, you know,
73
00:02:43,320 --> 00:02:45,280
talk!
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00:02:45,320 --> 00:02:46,860
[RAMONES' "LISTEN TO MY HEART"]
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♪ One, two, three, four ♪
76
00:02:48,250 --> 00:02:50,990
♪ Next time, I'll listen to my heart ♪
77
00:02:51,030 --> 00:02:54,030
♪ Next time, well, I'll be smart ♪
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00:02:54,150 --> 00:03:00,810
♪
79
00:03:00,870 --> 00:03:02,400
Synced & corrected by reggielist
www.addic7ed.com
80
00:03:02,410 --> 00:03:04,940
- Excuse me, Mr. Griffin.
- What?
81
00:03:05,030 --> 00:03:06,980
I'm currently applying
to a number of colleges,
82
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:09,100
including Harvard.
83
00:03:09,120 --> 00:03:10,390
I was wondering if you could write me
84
00:03:10,420 --> 00:03:11,840
a letter of recommendation?
85
00:03:11,880 --> 00:03:13,690
- Oh, yeah, me too.
- I want one.
86
00:03:13,710 --> 00:03:15,270
Yeah, I'm gonna need one, big-time.
87
00:03:15,290 --> 00:03:17,450
My GPA is trash.
88
00:03:17,490 --> 00:03:19,580
Yeah, that... that...
That's a hard pass, guys.
89
00:03:19,620 --> 00:03:22,230
Hard pass, um, but I have been
doing some research
90
00:03:22,270 --> 00:03:24,190
on this Isu philosophy prize
91
00:03:24,230 --> 00:03:25,580
and guess what?
92
00:03:25,630 --> 00:03:28,850
It comes with an award
of 50 million yen!
93
00:03:28,890 --> 00:03:31,460
Actually,
that's only 500,000 US dollars.
94
00:03:31,500 --> 00:03:34,200
Marcus, go to the office.
95
00:03:34,240 --> 00:03:35,420
[SIGHING]
96
00:03:35,460 --> 00:03:38,160
[GROANING]
97
00:03:38,200 --> 00:03:39,810
Where were we? [CHUCKLING]
98
00:03:39,860 --> 00:03:42,290
Oh right! I'm going to be
a Japanese millionaire.
99
00:03:42,340 --> 00:03:45,690
Yeah, the only tricky part
is that the submissions
100
00:03:45,730 --> 00:03:48,430
for the 2019 award
are due in three days.
101
00:03:48,470 --> 00:03:50,280
Luckily, I learned
how to cram pretty well.
102
00:03:50,300 --> 00:03:53,350
While getting my PhD, but
I just need help with the...
103
00:03:53,390 --> 00:03:55,240
"immersing myself in Toledo" part.
104
00:03:55,300 --> 00:03:58,570
I could take you to the Toledo Zoo.
It's pretty sweet.
105
00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:00,700
They have animals, sure,
106
00:04:00,740 --> 00:04:04,140
but they also have, like, concerts.
107
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:06,040
Okay, Victor, that's, like,
the third or fourth time
108
00:04:06,080 --> 00:04:07,340
you've invited me to the zoo.
109
00:04:07,360 --> 00:04:08,790
I don't want to go there with you.
110
00:04:08,820 --> 00:04:10,690
Not for a concert or any other reason.
111
00:04:10,730 --> 00:04:12,220
What I need right now
112
00:04:12,240 --> 00:04:13,880
is to get in the trenches
with these people,
113
00:04:13,910 --> 00:04:14,920
feel what they feel.
114
00:04:14,930 --> 00:04:17,440
You know, like Jane Goodall
living with the chimps.
115
00:04:17,500 --> 00:04:20,380
I need to experience real hardworking,
116
00:04:20,420 --> 00:04:22,200
regular, manual labor jobs.
117
00:04:22,250 --> 00:04:23,260
You know what I'm saying?
118
00:04:23,270 --> 00:04:25,250
My aunt owns a landscaping company.
119
00:04:25,290 --> 00:04:26,640
Landscape... yes!
120
00:04:26,690 --> 00:04:28,069
Yes, okay you're doing great by the way,
121
00:04:28,070 --> 00:04:29,129
really fitting in.
122
00:04:29,130 --> 00:04:31,350
My dad's looking for someone
to fill a shift
123
00:04:31,390 --> 00:04:32,400
at the butcher shop.
124
00:04:32,410 --> 00:04:33,660
All right, this is great. What else?
125
00:04:33,680 --> 00:04:35,390
You could be a biology teacher.
126
00:04:35,430 --> 00:04:36,680
That's a regular job.
127
00:04:36,710 --> 00:04:38,600
Yeah, okay, I'll start
teaching you guys biology.
128
00:04:38,730 --> 00:04:40,210
- Really?
- Just kidding.
129
00:04:40,250 --> 00:04:41,820
What else, guys? Shout 'em out!
130
00:04:41,860 --> 00:04:44,780
- My uncle runs a car repair.
- My dad does demolition.
131
00:04:44,800 --> 00:04:46,710
Good, good. What else?
132
00:04:46,760 --> 00:04:48,280
You're all set at the butcher shop.
133
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:49,679
[CHUCKLING] Awesome!
134
00:04:49,680 --> 00:04:52,150
Today I'm a butcher, tomorrow
I'm a Japanese millionaire.
135
00:04:52,180 --> 00:04:53,710
You know what I'm gonna do?
136
00:04:53,750 --> 00:04:56,580
Buy one of those Japanese
talking toilets.
137
00:04:56,620 --> 00:04:58,320
See what that has to say.
138
00:04:58,360 --> 00:05:00,410
This thing is toast.
139
00:05:00,450 --> 00:05:02,480
Well, how much is a new one gonna cost?
140
00:05:02,540 --> 00:05:04,200
Well, a top of the line one
gonna run you 5,000.
141
00:05:04,240 --> 00:05:05,440
[SIGHING]
142
00:05:05,470 --> 00:05:07,300
Now, Helen, you know
you really got to service
143
00:05:07,330 --> 00:05:08,520
these things every three months.
144
00:05:08,550 --> 00:05:10,330
This thing is shot.
145
00:05:10,380 --> 00:05:12,290
See ya, wouldn't wanna be ya.
146
00:05:14,470 --> 00:05:16,120
I don't know how this could've happened.
147
00:05:16,140 --> 00:05:19,340
I even put Post-Its up on
my never-forgets board.
148
00:05:19,390 --> 00:05:20,520
[SIGHING]
149
00:05:20,560 --> 00:05:22,520
[DETERMINED MUSIC]
150
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:25,300
Oh, no. Oh, crap!
151
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:28,180
They fell behind the copier.
152
00:05:28,220 --> 00:05:30,880
Oops, "water plant."
153
00:05:32,380 --> 00:05:35,660
"Check out Louis C.K. show."
I still got to do that.
154
00:05:35,700 --> 00:05:37,570
Oh, my garage door code!
155
00:05:37,610 --> 00:05:40,230
Yeah, I can start driving aga...
156
00:05:40,270 --> 00:05:42,840
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
157
00:05:42,880 --> 00:05:46,100
Yeah, "schedule copier maintenance."
158
00:05:46,140 --> 00:05:47,160
Ralph, I'm so sorry.
159
00:05:47,170 --> 00:05:49,519
I can't believe I let
this happen to our only copier.
160
00:05:49,520 --> 00:05:51,240
Okay, it's not the end of the world.
161
00:05:51,280 --> 00:05:53,590
Yes, it is.
162
00:05:53,630 --> 00:05:56,630
The copier is also a scanner.
163
00:05:56,680 --> 00:06:00,099
They can't scan, Ralph.
They can't even scan!
164
00:06:00,100 --> 00:06:03,470
Okay, okay, this might be a
bigger problem than we thought.
165
00:06:03,510 --> 00:06:05,400
Let's keep it between us for now, okay?
166
00:06:05,420 --> 00:06:06,770
What are you doing here, Marcus?
167
00:06:06,820 --> 00:06:08,910
- I...
- Did you use the new "F" word?
168
00:06:08,950 --> 00:06:10,260
No.
169
00:06:10,300 --> 00:06:11,830
Why are you guys standing
in front of the copier?
170
00:06:11,840 --> 00:06:14,180
Okay, that's it, Marcus.
Take your stuff and go home.
171
00:06:14,200 --> 00:06:16,440
- But I didn't do...
- You heard the principal! Go!
172
00:06:16,480 --> 00:06:18,310
You are not welcome here!
173
00:06:19,960 --> 00:06:22,090
[SIGHING]
174
00:06:22,140 --> 00:06:23,790
[SIGHING] Oh, God.
175
00:06:23,830 --> 00:06:25,620
You guys, we should go out Friday night.
176
00:06:25,660 --> 00:06:26,750
What should be celebrate?
177
00:06:26,790 --> 00:06:28,860
Friday is the 20th, right?
178
00:06:28,880 --> 00:06:30,800
I feel like we can
definitely find something
179
00:06:30,840 --> 00:06:32,740
to celebrate on the 20th.
180
00:06:32,760 --> 00:06:35,190
Oh, Michelle, you white-ass Rihanna,
181
00:06:35,240 --> 00:06:37,160
of course, the 20th!
182
00:06:37,220 --> 00:06:39,180
Did my white-ass jog your memory, oh-oh!
183
00:06:39,220 --> 00:06:41,660
I can't believe that you remembered.
184
00:06:41,700 --> 00:06:43,920
It's exactly one year ago to the day
185
00:06:43,970 --> 00:06:45,160
since I got bangs.
186
00:06:45,170 --> 00:06:47,450
- Oh, no, no.
- That was a full year ago?
187
00:06:47,490 --> 00:06:48,750
Yes!
188
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:50,500
BOTH: Bangs birthday!
189
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,890
[GIGGLING]
190
00:06:52,930 --> 00:06:54,150
Hey, Daddy.
191
00:06:54,200 --> 00:06:55,510
You remember my dad, right, boss?
192
00:06:55,540 --> 00:06:56,550
Yeah, yeah, of course.
193
00:06:56,570 --> 00:06:57,879
Uh, hey, Ron, how are you doing there?
194
00:06:57,880 --> 00:06:59,860
Very, very pumped to be here.
This is great.
195
00:06:59,900 --> 00:07:01,940
Hi, Jack.
196
00:07:01,990 --> 00:07:04,030
Oh, just gonna put it on the fist there.
197
00:07:04,070 --> 00:07:05,950
All right. [CHUCKLING]
198
00:07:05,990 --> 00:07:07,640
"Every butt love a rub."
199
00:07:07,690 --> 00:07:09,080
Ah, I love that. So simple.
200
00:07:09,120 --> 00:07:10,910
Thank you, it's word play.
201
00:07:10,950 --> 00:07:12,010
Come over to the meat grinder.
202
00:07:12,040 --> 00:07:13,300
Yeah, absolutely.
203
00:07:13,340 --> 00:07:15,130
Let's do some classic blue-collar work.
204
00:07:15,170 --> 00:07:16,700
I love it.
205
00:07:16,740 --> 00:07:18,000
Yeah?
206
00:07:18,050 --> 00:07:19,660
I'm gonna start you off making sausage
207
00:07:19,700 --> 00:07:20,819
- out of pork shoulder.
- Mmhmm?
208
00:07:20,820 --> 00:07:21,899
Basically, you cut hunks
209
00:07:21,900 --> 00:07:23,790
of this pork shoulder into chunks,
210
00:07:23,830 --> 00:07:25,180
then do the same with lamb,
211
00:07:25,230 --> 00:07:27,529
then grab a big gunk
and shove it in the grinder.
212
00:07:27,530 --> 00:07:28,540
Oh.
213
00:07:28,550 --> 00:07:29,980
It's gonna poop it out
of this hole, see.
214
00:07:30,000 --> 00:07:32,190
Then take a long strand
of pork intestine.
215
00:07:32,230 --> 00:07:34,320
Feed it onto the worm end
and tie it off.
216
00:07:34,370 --> 00:07:35,990
Got to tell you, Ron,
you're making me hungry.
217
00:07:36,020 --> 00:07:37,370
Sorry about that.
218
00:07:37,410 --> 00:07:39,680
Then you repeat the whole thing
until 5:00 p.m.,
219
00:07:39,720 --> 00:07:41,940
or as we call it, "beer o'clock."
220
00:07:41,980 --> 00:07:45,250
"Beer o'clock"?
Oh man, that... that's fantastic!
221
00:07:45,290 --> 00:07:46,450
But let's go ahead and get started
222
00:07:46,470 --> 00:07:47,599
with the blue-collar work
223
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:49,960
'cause, um, I'm on a little bit
of a deadline here.
224
00:07:49,990 --> 00:07:52,170
[PUNK MUSIC]
225
00:07:52,210 --> 00:07:54,390
[YELLING]
226
00:07:54,430 --> 00:07:55,690
[WHIRRING, CLANGING]
227
00:07:55,730 --> 00:07:56,940
Just put your hands in there.
228
00:07:56,980 --> 00:07:58,500
No gloves, huh?
229
00:07:58,650 --> 00:08:00,650
[GRUNTING]
230
00:08:00,700 --> 00:08:02,920
Yeah, I'm seeing a lot
of rollie pollies under here.
231
00:08:02,960 --> 00:08:04,620
Are they... they gonna be okay?
232
00:08:04,630 --> 00:08:06,050
Do you suppose?
233
00:08:06,090 --> 00:08:08,660
[CLEARS THROAT] Or it doesn't matter?
234
00:08:08,700 --> 00:08:09,860
Yeah, doesn't matter.
235
00:08:09,870 --> 00:08:12,520
Hey, I was just curious, uh,
236
00:08:12,560 --> 00:08:14,960
are you guys mad at your wives?
237
00:08:15,000 --> 00:08:18,010
Nothing, huh? Okay, back to work.
238
00:08:18,050 --> 00:08:20,660
- No, no, no! Not that wall!
- This isn't the wall?
239
00:08:20,700 --> 00:08:23,310
Whee! [CHUCKLING]
240
00:08:23,360 --> 00:08:24,850
The hell am I looking for in here, man?
241
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:25,980
It's a mess.
242
00:08:25,990 --> 00:08:27,630
I don't think there's
any fixing this thing.
243
00:08:27,670 --> 00:08:29,930
Taco.
244
00:08:29,970 --> 00:08:32,060
[SINGER VOCALIZING]
245
00:08:34,800 --> 00:08:37,850
I heard Mr. Griffin left Big
Kim's Tacos around 2:00 a.m.
246
00:08:37,890 --> 00:08:39,720
Wasn't he supposed to be writing?
247
00:08:39,770 --> 00:08:41,510
His deadline is in two days.
248
00:08:41,550 --> 00:08:44,200
[SIGHING] Our little guy's
all tuckered out.
249
00:08:46,200 --> 00:08:47,810
[CLOCK TICKING]
250
00:08:50,380 --> 00:08:51,730
Aww.
251
00:08:51,770 --> 00:08:55,510
Shh. Good night, sweet prince.
252
00:08:55,560 --> 00:08:58,600
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
253
00:09:03,660 --> 00:09:05,960
[GROANING]
254
00:09:06,050 --> 00:09:07,600
Let's go ahead and get started,
shall we?
255
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:09,070
[CLEARS THROAT]
256
00:09:09,110 --> 00:09:11,770
Last night, I made
some progress on the book.
257
00:09:11,910 --> 00:09:14,740
Okay, so there's four basic
categories of happiness
258
00:09:14,780 --> 00:09:16,340
that I'm going to want
to focus on, all right?
259
00:09:16,370 --> 00:09:19,530
One, work a job where you can
see the physical results
260
00:09:19,570 --> 00:09:21,350
of your labor at the end of each day.
261
00:09:21,500 --> 00:09:23,850
Two, make up mundane celebrations
262
00:09:23,890 --> 00:09:26,110
to distract you
from your inevitable death.
263
00:09:26,150 --> 00:09:29,810
Number three, ingest sugary,
fatty, and salty things
264
00:09:29,850 --> 00:09:31,680
that release endorphins in your brain.
265
00:09:31,700 --> 00:09:34,290
And four, partner with
a convenient person
266
00:09:34,340 --> 00:09:36,820
within a 20-mile radius to procreate
267
00:09:36,860 --> 00:09:39,250
and therefore feel as though
a memory of you will live on.
268
00:09:39,300 --> 00:09:41,170
Now, we've only got 48 hours left,
269
00:09:41,210 --> 00:09:43,480
and, uh, we're still working
on part one.
270
00:09:43,520 --> 00:09:46,130
So I'm gonna need you guys
to be my research team
271
00:09:46,170 --> 00:09:47,650
while I focus on the writing.
272
00:09:47,700 --> 00:09:50,480
I need real-life examples
to back up my theory.
273
00:09:50,530 --> 00:09:53,019
So, Marcus, you're gonna be
cleaning the grease trap
274
00:09:53,020 --> 00:09:55,750
at Big Kim's Tacos
from midnight to 3:00 a.m.
275
00:09:55,790 --> 00:09:57,880
- New girl, you like Jeeps?
- I'm not new.
276
00:09:57,920 --> 00:10:00,970
You ever wonder how they
attach their windshield wipers?
277
00:10:01,010 --> 00:10:02,320
Great!
278
00:10:02,360 --> 00:10:04,450
[PERCUSSIVE MUSIC]
279
00:10:04,500 --> 00:10:06,150
Oh, hey, Michelle.
280
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:07,800
Are you here to make copies?
281
00:10:07,850 --> 00:10:10,550
No, just dropping off permission slips.
282
00:10:10,590 --> 00:10:12,919
[SIGHING] Thank you.
283
00:10:12,920 --> 00:10:14,700
Hey, it's your birthday Friday, huh?
284
00:10:14,720 --> 00:10:16,070
You got any plans?
285
00:10:17,680 --> 00:10:19,160
Why would I have any plans?
286
00:10:19,210 --> 00:10:22,040
You're the only one who cares
about people at this school!
287
00:10:22,080 --> 00:10:25,600
Everyone else just cares about bangs!
288
00:10:26,400 --> 00:10:28,520
In fact...
289
00:10:28,560 --> 00:10:30,919
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
290
00:10:30,920 --> 00:10:32,610
Oh, don't!
291
00:10:32,650 --> 00:10:34,180
- [CLANGING]
- Oh, oh!
292
00:10:34,220 --> 00:10:36,350
[PANTING]
293
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:38,200
Oh! Oh, my gosh.
294
00:10:38,220 --> 00:10:40,270
That scared the candy out of me.
295
00:10:40,310 --> 00:10:41,710
But hey,
296
00:10:41,750 --> 00:10:45,190
more hair for my "locks of love" drive.
297
00:10:45,230 --> 00:10:48,190
And that's my lunch. Okay.
298
00:10:48,240 --> 00:10:49,890
[SCOFFING]
299
00:10:49,930 --> 00:10:53,940
Hair on the right, lunch on the left.
300
00:10:54,020 --> 00:10:56,280
Hey, Ralph, great news.
301
00:10:56,320 --> 00:10:57,500
I ordered the new copier.
302
00:10:57,540 --> 00:10:59,020
Not as great of news,
303
00:10:59,070 --> 00:11:00,630
it's gonna take ten days to get here.
304
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:02,500
Okay, I'll tell you
what we're not gonna do.
305
00:11:02,550 --> 00:11:04,430
We're not gonna not get out
in front of this thing.
306
00:11:04,460 --> 00:11:09,160
In fact, we are going to get
in front of this.
307
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:10,480
I mean, it's something
until cancer hits.
308
00:11:10,500 --> 00:11:11,509
Attention, Whitlock,
309
00:11:11,510 --> 00:11:14,430
this is your principal,
Principal Durbin.
310
00:11:14,470 --> 00:11:17,650
Uh, I just wanted to talk
to you about our copier,
311
00:11:17,690 --> 00:11:19,390
which is, uh, doing amazing.
312
00:11:19,430 --> 00:11:21,960
In fact, uh, better than ever,
if you ask me.
313
00:11:22,000 --> 00:11:25,180
But, uh, maybe we should also
be asking ourselves,
314
00:11:25,220 --> 00:11:27,959
why are we making so many copies?
315
00:11:27,960 --> 00:11:28,970
- [FEEDBACK WHINES]
- Uh...
316
00:11:28,980 --> 00:11:30,460
That's a great idea, Ralph!
317
00:11:30,490 --> 00:11:32,180
Thanks, Helen.
318
00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:33,760
Long story short, everything's normal.
319
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,200
Everyone have a Ram-tastic day,
320
00:11:36,320 --> 00:11:40,640
and, uh, less copying,
more original-ing.
321
00:11:40,690 --> 00:11:41,840
[FEEDBACK WHINES]
322
00:11:41,850 --> 00:11:42,900
[BOTH SIGHING]
323
00:11:42,950 --> 00:11:44,180
That's good.
324
00:11:44,200 --> 00:11:45,700
That's gonna buy us some time.
325
00:11:45,720 --> 00:11:46,799
- You're good at this.
- All right.
326
00:11:46,800 --> 00:11:48,910
Okay, thanks, here we...
327
00:11:48,950 --> 00:11:50,870
- I'm... I'm fist-bumping.
- Catch it?
328
00:11:50,910 --> 00:11:52,460
- No, you make a fist.
- All right.
329
00:11:52,470 --> 00:11:53,940
- And boop!
- Oh!
330
00:11:54,000 --> 00:11:55,660
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
331
00:11:55,700 --> 00:11:58,790
[FOREBODING MUSIC]
332
00:11:58,830 --> 00:12:00,010
♪
333
00:12:00,050 --> 00:12:02,440
Oh, great. Yeah. No, this is fantastic.
334
00:12:02,470 --> 00:12:04,120
What else did you learn
working your job?
335
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:06,020
At that point, I was so tired,
336
00:12:06,060 --> 00:12:09,190
I accidentally glued my hand
to one of the carpet samples.
337
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,670
Ouch. [CHUCKLES]
338
00:12:10,720 --> 00:12:12,030
You know, I do think
with a lot of these jobs,
339
00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:13,500
the more there's a threat of danger,
340
00:12:13,520 --> 00:12:15,760
the more meaningful
beer o'clock becomes.
341
00:12:15,770 --> 00:12:17,770
Yeah, did anyone else
encounter this, uh,
342
00:12:17,810 --> 00:12:20,160
beer o'clock phenomenon?
343
00:12:20,200 --> 00:12:21,300
Interesting.
344
00:12:21,320 --> 00:12:23,480
Uh, okay, who's next?
345
00:12:23,540 --> 00:12:25,160
Eduardo, go.
346
00:12:25,180 --> 00:12:28,730
I observed a construction
crew at Lagrange and Masters.
347
00:12:28,780 --> 00:12:30,870
At approximately 5:15 a.m.,
348
00:12:30,910 --> 00:12:32,740
a woman jogged past with her dog.
349
00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:34,390
I believe it was a Border Collie.
350
00:12:34,440 --> 00:12:38,050
One of the men exclaimed,
"Whoa, perfect ten!"
351
00:12:38,090 --> 00:12:40,570
I soon realized he was
referring to the woman,
352
00:12:40,620 --> 00:12:42,270
not the beautiful Collie.
353
00:12:42,310 --> 00:12:46,360
I asked around and apparently
this scale only goes to ten.
354
00:12:46,400 --> 00:12:48,410
So she had achieved the top score.
355
00:12:48,450 --> 00:12:50,540
Mm-hmm. Great work, Eduardo.
356
00:12:50,570 --> 00:12:52,150
That's sexual harassment.
357
00:12:52,190 --> 00:12:53,500
This whole thing is crazy.
358
00:12:53,540 --> 00:12:54,579
Kids are getting hurt.
359
00:12:54,580 --> 00:12:56,619
You're putting us in weird situations.
360
00:12:56,620 --> 00:12:57,629
We're not even getting
361
00:12:57,630 --> 00:12:59,020
our recommended eight hours of sleep.
362
00:12:59,030 --> 00:13:01,460
- [SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
- All right, great work, guys.
363
00:13:01,470 --> 00:13:03,180
Keep it up, and, you know,
push through the pain.
364
00:13:03,200 --> 00:13:04,209
Don't even worry about it.
365
00:13:04,210 --> 00:13:06,000
Keep your eyes peeled
for more beer o'clocks.
366
00:13:06,020 --> 00:13:08,670
Hey, we're writing
a book, y'all! [LAUGHS]
367
00:13:11,680 --> 00:13:14,120
[SEEDY MUSIC]
368
00:13:14,170 --> 00:13:16,080
Oh, these are so cute!
369
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:17,930
Right? I had my students
make them and put them
370
00:13:17,960 --> 00:13:19,950
in every teacher's desk.
371
00:13:20,300 --> 00:13:21,820
The chill ones, at least.
372
00:13:23,740 --> 00:13:26,870
Hey, guys. Guess who got bangs?
373
00:13:26,910 --> 00:13:28,390
[CHUCKLING] I did!
374
00:13:28,440 --> 00:13:30,180
So we can celebrate my bangs too!
375
00:13:30,220 --> 00:13:31,790
What's going on with you guys?
376
00:13:34,490 --> 00:13:37,100
Michelle, please explain.
377
00:13:37,150 --> 00:13:38,480
Explain what?
378
00:13:38,490 --> 00:13:42,110
Okay, so if I'm being
100% raw with you right now,
379
00:13:42,150 --> 00:13:44,060
- not cool, Michelle.
- Mmmm.
380
00:13:44,080 --> 00:13:45,750
If you would've gotten
your rad new haircut
381
00:13:45,760 --> 00:13:47,590
any other week,
it would've been different.
382
00:13:47,690 --> 00:13:50,510
But you had to steal Stef's day
with your bomb-ass,
383
00:13:50,560 --> 00:13:53,319
new rickety isthmus haircut.
384
00:13:53,320 --> 00:13:54,330
Mm-mm.
385
00:13:54,340 --> 00:13:58,700
Just think about your choices, please.
386
00:13:58,740 --> 00:14:01,260
- Wait...
- I'm hurt.
387
00:14:02,610 --> 00:14:06,230
Wait, you... [SIGHS]
388
00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,930
- Helen?
- Psst, Ralph, down here.
389
00:14:07,970 --> 00:14:09,710
This announcement thing backfired.
390
00:14:09,760 --> 00:14:11,500
Now everyone wants to make copies.
391
00:14:11,540 --> 00:14:14,630
[POUNDING, RATTLING]
392
00:14:14,680 --> 00:14:16,070
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]
393
00:14:16,110 --> 00:14:17,979
We're not gonna be able
to wait ten days.
394
00:14:17,980 --> 00:14:19,080
What are we gonna do?
395
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,460
Well, I found a fix, but it's a...
396
00:14:21,510 --> 00:14:23,600
It's a bit of a nuclear option.
397
00:14:23,640 --> 00:14:26,950
Cancel the other order,
this'll be quicker.
398
00:14:26,990 --> 00:14:30,430
"Used copier for sale. Contact...
399
00:14:30,470 --> 00:14:33,560
Principal Kling
at Pineberry Elementary."
400
00:14:33,610 --> 00:14:37,520
Oh, Ralph, please don't do this.
401
00:14:37,570 --> 00:14:39,920
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
402
00:14:39,960 --> 00:14:42,050
♪
403
00:14:42,090 --> 00:14:45,710
You know, I would not have won
404
00:14:45,750 --> 00:14:47,340
"Innovative Principal of the Year"
405
00:14:47,350 --> 00:14:52,610
if I had sold copiers
to every "Johnny Tie Too Long"
406
00:14:52,620 --> 00:14:55,630
that came wandering into the office.
407
00:14:55,670 --> 00:14:59,850
Listen, we are in a real jam.
408
00:14:59,890 --> 00:15:03,590
Okay, look, I'd be happy
to sell you the copier.
409
00:15:03,640 --> 00:15:04,699
Oh, great.
410
00:15:04,700 --> 00:15:06,860
Unfortunately, it's not up to me.
411
00:15:06,900 --> 00:15:10,259
- Kling, don't... don't...
- It's up to Mr. Doobles.
412
00:15:10,260 --> 00:15:11,600
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] Hello!
413
00:15:11,650 --> 00:15:12,699
[CHUCKLING]
414
00:15:12,700 --> 00:15:16,000
I think that you should sell
them the copier.
415
00:15:16,040 --> 00:15:17,300
If...
416
00:15:17,350 --> 00:15:18,610
Don't.
417
00:15:18,650 --> 00:15:22,130
They kiss each other.
418
00:15:22,180 --> 00:15:23,920
- Come on!
- It's the same thing every time!
419
00:15:23,930 --> 00:15:25,360
On the mouth!
420
00:15:25,480 --> 00:15:26,699
[WHISPERING] Sorry.
421
00:15:26,700 --> 00:15:30,270
[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Do it, do it, do it!
422
00:15:30,320 --> 00:15:31,380
Mmm! Mmm!
423
00:15:31,400 --> 00:15:33,880
Ralph, let's just do it.
424
00:15:33,930 --> 00:15:36,100
- Yes, yes.
- Get up. Come on.
425
00:15:36,150 --> 00:15:37,620
Hey, what... what...
426
00:15:37,630 --> 00:15:39,920
You either take this check
and sell us that copier
427
00:15:39,940 --> 00:15:42,860
or I am gonna cut this
puppet's head off right now!
428
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:44,770
- Mr. Doodles! Clear off!
- No!
429
00:15:44,780 --> 00:15:46,320
Wait, wait, Helen! You're hurting me!
430
00:15:46,330 --> 00:15:48,510
Well, you're hurting us!
431
00:15:48,550 --> 00:15:50,160
Okay, okay. Fine.
432
00:15:50,210 --> 00:15:52,080
You can have the copier.
433
00:15:53,730 --> 00:15:56,199
I need more material,
I need more details.
434
00:15:56,200 --> 00:15:57,730
Okay, I need you guys to get more jobs.
435
00:15:57,780 --> 00:15:59,010
That's what I need,
'cause I need more stuff here.
436
00:15:59,040 --> 00:16:00,400
Anthony, what's your evening like?
437
00:16:00,430 --> 00:16:02,700
Bruh, don't even.
438
00:16:02,740 --> 00:16:03,960
- [SCOFFS]
- Mr. Griffin.
439
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:05,390
I have not slept or done any homework
440
00:16:05,400 --> 00:16:06,420
for the last two days.
441
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:07,449
We're doing all this
442
00:16:07,450 --> 00:16:09,230
and you won't even give me
a college recommendation.
443
00:16:09,270 --> 00:16:10,420
I'm done!
444
00:16:10,500 --> 00:16:12,879
Okay, Sarika, well, that's...
We'll be fine!
445
00:16:12,880 --> 00:16:13,900
- So, well...
- [DOOR CLICKS SHUT]
446
00:16:13,940 --> 00:16:15,000
I'm out too.
447
00:16:15,090 --> 00:16:16,140
Good-bye, Mr. Griffin.
448
00:16:16,180 --> 00:16:17,420
Oh, no, is Marcus...
449
00:16:17,440 --> 00:16:18,920
I can't do it without you, Marcus.
450
00:16:18,970 --> 00:16:20,710
Please, don't leave.
What do I have to do?
451
00:16:20,750 --> 00:16:22,100
Yeah, I'm done too.
452
00:16:22,140 --> 00:16:24,490
No Master Kyle's ponytail, no Anthony.
453
00:16:24,540 --> 00:16:25,810
Wait a second, Anthony.
Hold on, don't...
454
00:16:25,840 --> 00:16:27,050
I-I actually need you.
455
00:16:27,060 --> 00:16:28,120
Wait, don't... don't... don't...
456
00:16:28,140 --> 00:16:29,720
What about my deadline, dude?
457
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:30,820
You guys are killing my book!
458
00:16:30,850 --> 00:16:32,330
No, you can't all go!
459
00:16:32,370 --> 00:16:33,460
Victor, stay. Come on.
460
00:16:33,500 --> 00:16:34,500
Bud, I need you.
461
00:16:34,550 --> 00:16:36,290
Sorry.
462
00:16:36,330 --> 00:16:38,160
[SCOFFS]
463
00:16:38,200 --> 00:16:39,730
There's my girl.
464
00:16:39,770 --> 00:16:41,640
Yeah, Heather's still on my side.
465
00:16:41,690 --> 00:16:43,730
Actually, I'm out too, boss.
466
00:16:43,770 --> 00:16:45,560
Oh... oh, my God.
467
00:16:45,600 --> 00:16:47,170
Heather, are you okay?
468
00:16:47,210 --> 00:16:48,740
Oh, it's just a rash.
469
00:16:48,780 --> 00:16:50,979
I think I'm allergic to
the lead at the smelting plant.
470
00:16:50,980 --> 00:16:53,220
I may need a little R&R, my dawg.
471
00:16:53,260 --> 00:16:55,650
- Oh.
- See ya.
472
00:16:55,660 --> 00:16:58,320
[COUGHING]
473
00:17:00,670 --> 00:17:02,760
[SIGHS] Funt.
474
00:17:02,800 --> 00:17:04,930
[DETERMINED MUSIC]
475
00:17:08,400 --> 00:17:09,660
♪
476
00:17:09,700 --> 00:17:12,340
[KEYS CLACKING]
477
00:17:13,530 --> 00:17:15,400
[SIGHS]
478
00:17:15,440 --> 00:17:21,890
♪
479
00:17:24,440 --> 00:17:26,580
[WHIRRING, BEEPING]
480
00:17:26,620 --> 00:17:28,670
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
481
00:17:28,710 --> 00:17:30,580
- [CHUCKLING] We did it!
- We did.
482
00:17:30,620 --> 00:17:33,450
Oh, God. [WHISTLES]
483
00:17:33,550 --> 00:17:35,000
Ralph, I need to say something
484
00:17:35,020 --> 00:17:37,420
so there won't be
any awkwardness between us.
485
00:17:37,460 --> 00:17:38,640
Okay.
486
00:17:38,660 --> 00:17:41,359
I didn't avoid kissing you
in Principal Kling's office
487
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:42,950
because I think you're unattractive.
488
00:17:43,040 --> 00:17:44,870
Oh, that's not necessary.
489
00:17:44,910 --> 00:17:47,090
As you know, I like women.
490
00:17:47,910 --> 00:17:50,080
A lot. In that way.
491
00:17:50,100 --> 00:17:53,360
Like, but I do acknowledge
that you have a classic mouth.
492
00:17:53,400 --> 00:17:56,010
Hmm, this is going somewhere tricky.
493
00:17:56,050 --> 00:18:00,450
A juicy little mouth with
a long, long, doglike tongue.
494
00:18:00,490 --> 00:18:01,799
Hmm, woof. [CHUCKLING]
495
00:18:01,800 --> 00:18:03,540
And oh, I have noticed it,
496
00:18:03,580 --> 00:18:05,350
but I just wanted to talk this out
497
00:18:05,360 --> 00:18:08,070
so we didn't feel awkward or anything,
498
00:18:08,110 --> 00:18:09,890
and I feel so much better.
499
00:18:09,900 --> 00:18:12,200
Well, I'm... I'm glad
you... you feel better.
500
00:18:15,780 --> 00:18:18,080
Oh, Mary! Thank God.
501
00:18:18,100 --> 00:18:19,880
- Hey, hi!
- Hey, guess what?
502
00:18:19,890 --> 00:18:23,250
I'd smooth Durbin if I wasn't
as gay as a tree full of birds.
503
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:25,300
Yeah, I mean, I guess I'd kiss Durbin.
504
00:18:25,340 --> 00:18:27,640
Get some of that crazy dog tongue.
505
00:18:27,650 --> 00:18:28,659
[SNICKERING]
506
00:18:28,660 --> 00:18:30,570
See, I don't think I have that.
507
00:18:30,610 --> 00:18:33,090
Hey, will you tell Michelle
"Happy Birthday" for me?
508
00:18:33,130 --> 00:18:34,790
I'm not gonna make it tonight.
509
00:18:34,830 --> 00:18:38,100
I got reservations for the movies.
510
00:18:38,140 --> 00:18:40,000
Oh, I got a present for her too.
511
00:18:40,010 --> 00:18:41,220
Hold on.
512
00:18:41,260 --> 00:18:43,590
The 20th. Oh, damn.
513
00:18:43,600 --> 00:18:45,840
Here's my gift. Do you mind
giving Michelle this?
514
00:18:45,890 --> 00:18:47,760
Oh, go... go straight. Go straight.
515
00:18:47,800 --> 00:18:48,890
Whoa! God, this thing is...
516
00:18:48,930 --> 00:18:50,060
Oh, what the heck?
517
00:18:50,070 --> 00:18:52,850
- Oh!
- Mary, take the canoe!
518
00:18:52,890 --> 00:18:54,420
[SCHOOL BELL RINGING]
519
00:18:54,510 --> 00:18:58,860
Oh. He probably wants us
to proof his dumb book.
520
00:18:58,910 --> 00:19:00,990
Nope.
521
00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,860
These are college recommendations.
522
00:19:02,950 --> 00:19:04,000
They're what?
523
00:19:04,040 --> 00:19:05,480
[DRAMATIC MUSIC]
524
00:19:05,520 --> 00:19:08,480
All right, start to shut up, everybody.
525
00:19:08,520 --> 00:19:11,560
Thanks for these letters, Mr. G.
526
00:19:11,570 --> 00:19:12,920
These are all so nice.
527
00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,490
Yeah, I said shut up.
528
00:19:14,530 --> 00:19:16,779
You think I'm a curious specimen?
529
00:19:16,780 --> 00:19:17,799
Yeah.
530
00:19:17,800 --> 00:19:21,190
My just says, "Old soul, nonsmoker."
531
00:19:21,230 --> 00:19:23,230
Yeah, it was starting to get late.
532
00:19:23,280 --> 00:19:25,710
You think I'm formidable?
533
00:19:25,760 --> 00:19:28,150
♪
534
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:30,160
I didn't get an envelope.
535
00:19:30,200 --> 00:19:31,850
Oh, yeah?
536
00:19:31,890 --> 00:19:33,640
[PAPER CRINKLING]
537
00:19:37,030 --> 00:19:38,510
[GASPING]
538
00:19:38,550 --> 00:19:40,860
Master Kyle's ponytail!
539
00:19:40,900 --> 00:19:42,980
[CHALK SCRAPING]
540
00:19:43,060 --> 00:19:44,520
Are you okay, boss?
541
00:19:44,560 --> 00:19:46,300
Well, yeah, you know,
542
00:19:46,340 --> 00:19:48,539
Master Kyle did eventually
let his guard down
543
00:19:48,540 --> 00:19:49,780
during his breakfast at Denny's,
544
00:19:49,830 --> 00:19:51,390
but, uh, Anthony failed to mention
545
00:19:51,440 --> 00:19:54,440
that Mrs. Master Kyle
was also a black belt.
546
00:19:54,480 --> 00:19:55,700
Yeah.
547
00:19:55,740 --> 00:19:57,220
Yeah.
548
00:19:57,270 --> 00:19:59,310
These letters must've
taken you all night.
549
00:19:59,360 --> 00:20:01,580
What about your deadline?
550
00:20:01,620 --> 00:20:03,220
I missed it.
551
00:20:03,240 --> 00:20:04,480
- Aww.
- It's okay, it's all right.
552
00:20:04,500 --> 00:20:05,939
All right, shut up,
shut up, shut up. It's fine.
553
00:20:05,940 --> 00:20:07,899
It's given me a little bit more
time to, uh,
554
00:20:07,900 --> 00:20:10,380
personally collect more examples of, uh,
555
00:20:10,420 --> 00:20:13,070
authentic day-to-day Toledo happiness.
556
00:20:13,110 --> 00:20:15,240
Yeah, before Germany's Schweizer award,
557
00:20:15,290 --> 00:20:16,640
which is another big award.
558
00:20:16,680 --> 00:20:18,110
What is this?
559
00:20:18,160 --> 00:20:21,380
I just need to keep observing
real Toledoans
560
00:20:21,420 --> 00:20:24,030
in their natural... element.
561
00:20:24,080 --> 00:20:25,860
Party at Wesley's for
Stef's Bangs Birthday?
562
00:20:25,910 --> 00:20:27,170
Oh.
563
00:20:27,210 --> 00:20:29,340
[UPBEAT MUSIC]
564
00:20:29,390 --> 00:20:30,520
[LAUGHING]
565
00:20:30,540 --> 00:20:32,960
- Yay, to Stef's bangs.
- Yes, to my bangs!
566
00:20:33,000 --> 00:20:34,440
Absolutely, to your hair.
567
00:20:34,480 --> 00:20:36,130
- Oh.
- Mmm.
568
00:20:36,180 --> 00:20:39,830
Oh, I should've mixed it
with some fruit juice.
569
00:20:39,880 --> 00:20:41,880
There she is, our birthday girl!
570
00:20:41,920 --> 00:20:43,140
Happy birthday, Michelle!
571
00:20:43,180 --> 00:20:44,399
[CHEERING]
572
00:20:44,400 --> 00:20:45,780
Did you think we forgot
about your birthday?
573
00:20:45,790 --> 00:20:49,620
"Happy birthday to Stef's...
Our bangsing friend, Mich."
574
00:20:49,630 --> 00:20:53,500
You guys! You jammed fries into
Stef's bangs cake for me?
575
00:20:53,550 --> 00:20:54,880
Yes, girl, we love you,
576
00:20:54,890 --> 00:20:58,800
and your birthday is way more
important than some haircut.
577
00:20:58,820 --> 00:21:01,770
Thank you so much. I love you guys.
578
00:21:01,810 --> 00:21:05,850
Hey, um, is this some type
of aioli sauce or something?
579
00:21:05,860 --> 00:21:06,950
'Cause it's delicious.
580
00:21:06,990 --> 00:21:09,820
It's just mayonnaise.
581
00:21:09,860 --> 00:21:13,780
[CHEERFUL MUSIC]
582
00:21:13,820 --> 00:21:15,610
White gold.
583
00:21:15,650 --> 00:21:17,300
♪
41151
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