Original subtitles

(Phone rings)

Is she on the French or the UK side?

No, she doesn't seem to be here at tunnel start. Repete?

The French are sending a crime unit. British police will also attend.

Oh. (Sighs)

Is there something wrong, sir?

You know what's wrong.

It's practically in the staff bulletin.

Did it hurt?

No, not at the time.

Bonjour. Bonjour. Bonjour.

Uh...

Our forensic teams are already working.

Sure.

She's been placed. Her posture... Yes.

And the legs are...

Her head is in France and she's French,

so it remains a French investigation.

Steady on, Joan. I'm not looking for a war over it. (Chuckles)

My name is not Joan.

You said the victim's French.

An MP was reported missing yesterday. We think it is her.

And how do you think the body was brought here?

We're assuming it must be a French maintenance car.

One of them is unaccounted for and the driver is missing.

Alright, well, we'll just wait for confirmation

that we're not needed... I can confirm that.

From a senior British officer and then we'll be on our way.

We'll observe from a distance.

Maybe we can learn something, eh?

Right.

What did they say?

French have it.

We can go and snuggle under our duvets.

No bloody manners, the French.

They're direct.

I quite like that.

I should go and give them my details.

(French singing)

♪ Closer to me dear. ♪

(French singing)

♪ Set aside all fear. ♪

(French singing)

♪ Yes, you shall be mine

♪ Till the end of time. ♪

(Phone rings)

WOMAN: Hello?

This is Stephen Beaumont.

This is Melanie. I've been waiting...

I have business in France.

I-I just...

When can I see you? I'll meet you in an hour.

(Phone rings)

(Sighs)

(Knocks on door)

Hi, Adam.

(Groans)

Did you catch them?

Who?

The bad guys.

Not yet.

(Sighs)

Does it still hurt?

Yeah.

Mmm.

Did you speak to Adam about helping out more?

He's asleep.

(Sighs)

(Intercom buzzes)

Are you from the charity?

My friend said you would help us.

They denied your asylum claim.

My whole family, they were murdered...

I'm not the appeal panel.

I'm just establishing the present situation.

I cannot go back to Colombia.

The charity has a hostel. You can stay for a short time.

Then, we'll consider the options.

Come with me.

(Indistinct shouting)

Suck you off for a tenner, Stephen?

Tanya.

Soup, not smack.

(Phone vibrates)

Yeah?

WOMAN: Am I speaking to Karl Roebuck?

Yep.

Elise Wassermann, French police. We met yesterday.

Yesterday. (Groans)

(Mumbles)

(Chuckles)

What is it?

(Chuckles)

My wife's talking in her sleep.

She just said, 'I don't like marmalade.'

Does she like marmalade?

Mmm? Well, I thought she did.

That's strange, then. Mmm.

I wanted to update you.

I thought this was your case now.

The lower half of the body belonged to another woman.

We believe she was British.

Why?

Her tattoo - with a Union Jack and the flag of Wales -

and the words, 'I love you, Mum.'

So, you need to check out missing Welsh girls with that tattoo.

Right. I'll call you as soon as I'm on duty.

Then I need the name of somebody who can do it now.

(Groans)

Have you ever considered a career in the diplomatic service?

No.

Please call me as soon as you have any information.

(Exhales)

Plenty of 'em.

Hold on.

So, Gemma Kirwan.

X-rays...

Grangetown, Cardiff.

Reported missing by mother seven months ago.

(Phone rings) (Murmuring in French)

RECORDED VOICE: If your handbrake is on,

and if your vehicle is in first gear or park,

for your safety and comfort,

we recommend that you stay with your vehicle.

Do not stand or walk between the vehicles.

(Laughs)

(Shower runs)

I left some food vouchers and a few other bits to help you get by.

Until I find a more permanent solution for you.

You should read this

if you want to know about the mentality of this country.

For my records.

I like to remember the people I help.

That's The Deviation.

We're not going there, that's The Deviation.

That's going to the car ferry, we're not going there.

This is going to...

..the car ferry.

Oh, bollocks.

Where are we?

(Car horn beeps)

Pardon. Sorry. Alright.

Oui, oui, oui. Pardon.

Capitaine Wasserman?

(French accent) This is third floor. Oui.

She is on first floor.

First floor. OK.

You have to go down. Down. Merci.

Voulez-vous un croissant?

Ah, no. Merci. No?

You on a diet? No.

No? Good.

Bonjour.

(Speaks in French)

So, tell me about this missing girl.

Gemma Kirwan, aged 23, disappeared from Folkestone seven months ago.

I thought she was Welsh.

That's the trouble with people, they won't stay in one place.

Given her profession, it's highly likely

we've got her DNA on our database.

And given her profession, it is also likely

not much effort was made to find her.

Well, they're a transient bunch.

I imagine there's a few French prostitutes

who haven't been searched for too carefully either.

Yes, that is probably correct.

Yes.

Ooh!

I'm recovering from an operation.

The snip.

The what?

La vasectomy.

More painful than childbirth, apparently.

You got kids?

There are enough kids in this world.

I got five.

Three different mums, though.

Your vasectomy was probably a good idea, then.

Ha.

Don't touch that.

That's not you, is it?

How do you know? She's smiling, for one thing.

No-one keeps a picture of themselves on their desk.

You're a twin.

Nice car. Yes, I like it.

Good.

As far as we assume, he's dumped the rest of the body elsewhere.

He's taunting us.

Oh. Merci.

(Knock on door)

Who is Alain Joubert?

One of our leading financiers...

..and an adviser on austerity measures to the last government.

He is not popular.

Really? How come?

The crisis made him even richer.

I was joking.

Yes, I got that.

You're not really one for jokes, are you?

Sometimes.

It depends if they're funny.

(Chuckles)

The British place a lot of value on humour.

Sometimes it makes you lose sight of things that are more important.

That is just my opinion, I'm not trying to offend you.

Oh, sure.

I'll bring you up to speed with my assessment

of French national defects later.

I'd be interested to hear your views.

(Phone rings)

Sorry, my French is very poor.

I'm working on it, though.

Do you think there was something going on

between Marie Villeneuve and your husband?

No.

No, she was attacking him in her speeches.

Can we... this wait until another time?

I insist. Please go inside.

Are you aware that Marie Villeneuve is missing?

No.

Please, I can't do this now.

Please let me go. Sit down, please.

Listen, I have to go and see my husband,

he's very stressed.

He might be suicidal.

Please?

Please.

I promise I will come and talk to you.

This is nothing. I knew Marie from school.

She started using my husband as a political football

so I called her and asked her to stop.

I texted because she wouldn't answer.

Please. (Mobile rings)

I promise I will come and report to the police station with a lawyer.

(Mobile keeps ringing)

Thank you. Thank you very much.

I promise I will call my lawyer from the car.

Please do.

Or I'll be in trouble.

I may be already.

(Car door slams, engine starts)

You let her go.

Ah, yeah.

I don't understand why you would do that.

No. (Chuckles)

I think that's part of the problem.

I'm the lead investigator.

Now, listen, that woman was acutely distressed,

frightened for her husband...

This is a murder investigation.

But she didn't know that.

And her explanation was entirely plausible.

You may find my manner a little annoying -

too many random jokes, conversations, whatever...

I didn't say I find it annoying.

..but I have been a policeman for quite a long time,

and I like to think a good one,

and I know when it's an inappropriate time to question someone

and when it's time to show a little flexibility.

(Man speaks in French over speakers)

(Children squeal)

How's it all going with your French counterpart?

Yeah.

Lots of Gaelic style,

understated yet sexy.

Elise?

Cauliflower ears, very fat, looks a bit like Obelix.

(Chuckles) I'll take that as a yes.

Paws off, buster.

No, seriously.

She fell in the magic potion, but instead of it giving her strength,

it took away all her social skills.

(Chuckles)

Mmm.

I was a bad dad to Adam.

You weren't a bad dad. You just weren't there.

Daddy! Daddy!

Ohh!

Hi.

Thought I'd, ah... hitch a ride and give you directions.

I have a sat nav.

Oh. Tres moderne.

I prefer maps.

Remember, we drive on the left.

We found the maintenance driver.

Washed up on a beach.

OK.

You still sulking? No.

I'm still angry.

Want an arm wrestle? No.

I have been told I had to work with you.

OK.

Let's go to work, then.

What, are you on Twitter or something?

So?

What are you writing?

'OMG, guess who I just fucked! Lol.'

Yeah. I also said you had a massive ego and a tiny cock.

Well, the first is true. The second's a bit harsh.

Smaller than average, maybe, but...

..who cares if I can still get stupid pretty girls

to let me come in their mouths?

Did you really?

Never noticed.

I was only after you for your drugs, anyway.

Alright.

Well, you can lick the wrapper on your way out, if you like.

No, you can't change the fucking deadline.

DANNY: Well, then tell the pygmies not to change my copy.

It's a finely-honed polemic, not a suggestion sheet.

Blame the times, old son.

Post-Leveson, self-regulation,

taste of decency, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Listen, anyway, it's going to be with you by five, alright?

Lovely.

Can I ask what's in the latest finely-honed polemic?

Ah... Stephen Fry, the Greek suicide rates

and, um... gay marriage.

Spiffy. I'll have the pygmies put on standby.

♪ ROCK SONG

Yep?

DISTORTED VOICE: Danny Hillier?

Who's this?

If you want a real story,

you should ask the police what is happening in the Eurotunnel.

Well, why don't you tell me what's happening in the Eurotunnel?

You're supposed to be a journalist, Danny,

but I'll give you a clue -

they found half an MP and half a prostitute.

(Scoffs, laughs)

Yeah, very funny, John.

Listen, as I said, it'll be with you by five, alright?

One of these girls is Gemma Kirwan?

Yeah.

That one, on the right.

Chuks is running traces on the registration plates.

Boss?

We've got a match.

The owner of a mobile phone which was used in Calais,

near the tunnel entrance, on the day the bodies were left there.

Too careless, huh?

Who is it? Danny Hillier.

Tabloid journalist, lives in Sandgate.

Danny Hillier.

He writes an opinion column in one of our newspapers.

Bigotry for hire.

Some of what he says is actually on the money.

He's quite funny too.

Yes, and it's especially British humour.

I think you'll enjoy it.

(High-pitched buzz)

What?

Your car smells like wet dog.

Ha-ha. I haven't got a dog.

Oh, sorry.

Give.

Don't mess with the filing system.

Is your house like this?

(Laughs)

My wife's an interior designer.

Seriously, she's very successful.

This car is my only refuge from the tyranny of style.

You spell your name the German way.

Yeah, after Karl Marx.

(Clears throat)

My dad was a diehard communist.

He was a miner in the coal fields

when there were coal fields around here.

Did you join the police just to annoy him?

(Phone rings)

Not consciously.

Chuks! What's up?

What?

Right. We're nearly there.

DCI Karl Roebuck. Elise Wassermann from the French police.

We know the guy in the car.

What's the situation?

We got him on a line.

There's not much time left.

The car is sealed with laser triggers.

I need to speak to him.

Danny?

This is Elise Wassermann, French police.

Do you use prostitutes, Danny?

What?

Is this some kind of sick fucking joke?

Seven months ago your car was picked up on CCTV

in the red-light district of Folkestone.

What, and you think now's a good time to bring it up?

It might help us. I don't need to use prostitutes,

and I've never kerb-crawled in Folkestone.

I think I might have a parking ticket

if you want to look into that.

Did you lend your car to anybody else? No!

Just get me the fuck out of here!

Have you been in Calais recently? No.

Can you think why your mobile was used in Calais?

Um, my mobile? It was lost or... stolen in a bar.

Look, why aren't they doing anything to get me out?

They're not doing anything!

He's panicking. He might detonate the bomb.

Get me the fuck out of here! Let me talk to him.

Danny?

This is Karl Roebuck, CID.

I'm right here.

Alright, so just talk to me, Danny.

Let the experts concentrate on getting you out of there.

Yeah, there's only one thing wrong with that picture -

these fucking experts are doing fuck all to get me out!

Ask him where he lost his mobile. They're completely useless!

Have you got family, Danny?

Um... no, my parents are dead.

I've, um...

I've got a brother, but we don't really get on.

That's a shame. Ask him if anybody else has used his car recently.

I've got a brother and a sister, I don't see too much of them either.

We're out of time. Give me the phone.

Where are they going? Where are they going?!

No, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait!

You can't just leave me. You can't! Please, come back!

Come back!

Danny?

If the bomb goes off you won't feel any pain or know anything about it.

How do you know?

Because your brain won't have the time

to register the messages sent from your body.

It will just end.

Well, don't you...

..don't you believe in God? No. Do you?

I dunno. I-I...

Sometimes. I just...

How could it all be pointless?

The point is to catch the person who did this to you.

Where did you lose your mobile?

I told you, in a bar. Which bar?

Which bar?

I've soiled myself.

Oh, God.

Somebody help me.

(Beeping)

(Gasps, pants)

WARPED VOICE: So, I assume by now I have your full attention.

You will be asking, of course, 'Why?

Who would do such a thing?

What is the message?'

We shall all be getting closer to the truth.

Captions by CSI Australia