Original subtitles

You're always sticking up for him, fighting all his battles.

Going in two-footed, playing the bully.

We're not arguing about who's going to be your best man.

Although, just to be clear, if it was me, it'd be an honour.

How about we all go out somewhere? That sounds nice.

Is yours done yet?

I don't want to bring someone into Joe's life without asking you first,

and I would want the same.

Say the first thing that comes into your head.

Would you like to meet up some time? Oh, right...

I think you're keeping your distance because you don't approve.

I didn't want to be...

..my usual controlling self.

Just tell me you're ashamed of me!

I could never be ashamed of you!

End of an era.

All those memories, eh? Yeah.

I bet you're as choked up as I am.

Yeah.

We need suits.

Wedding suits. Do we?

We do!

Thanks, pal. I won't let you down.

You know, when Eddie married Nicola, he had Paul as his best man.

And we all know how that marriage ended up.

I tell you what...

..I'll buy the suits. My treat. If you like.

We can't have the groom and his best man

looking like a pair of scruff bags, eh?

Ralph!

All right?

How's it going, man? Not bad, you?

Yeah, not bad, man... Bloody London.

MUSIC: Trampolene by Julian Cope

# Well, I stand at every corner of the world

# And I stand in every corner of your heart

# And I give you everything that I call love

# From the heavens to the bottom of the sea

# Trampolene! I can't believe you're trampling me

# You tell it to me softly then you disagree

# Well, I stand at heaven's gate Come see me cry

# Heaven's gate is locked They will not let me by

# So I walk a little mile into your dream

# And tell me what is on your mind

# My trampolene

# Trampolene! I can't believe you're trampling me

# Trampolene! I can't believe you're trampling me

# You tell it to me softly then you'll disagree

♪ Trampolene! I can't believe you're trampling... ♪

OK, see you later.

Good morning, Britney. Good morning, Blaze.

Good morning, Zebra Class. ALL: Good morning, Heather.

Good morning. OK, so whose turn is it to show the timetable today?

Me! Me. Me! Oh, so many volunteers!

I think it's Stacey's turn.

ALL: Awww!

I think it is. There you go, Stacey.

So, what day is it today, can anyone tell me?

Wednesday. Wednesday!

Wednesday! OK, so good morning first, yeah.

Then? Circle time.

Snack! Snack.

Snack, favourite bit.

Tidy up. And then outside.

Outside, yes, if we've all done very well.

OK, thank you, everybody.

So, after circle time,

Joe's mum, Alison, is going to be telling us all about tomorrow.

Oh! Great!

So, your first stop is going to be with this man,

and he's called Maurice, and he's a fireman.

Where's Maurice's...?

This is Maurice here, and he's also Joe's grandad.

Well done, Joe!

And so you have to say hello,

and you tell him your name, and then he's going to tell you his name.

And he'll give you a reward.

And then what else will he do, Joe?

Point.

It's rude to point! It is.

It's rude to point. But, he's not going to be pointing at you.

He's going to be pointing the way to the next station.

Oh, the bakery. It's the best one, isn't it?

And then we go around...

Yeah. And Heather and I, we're going to walk all the way round with you.

All the way round.

And the Aardvark Class are going to come, too, so we can raise

lots of money for the new minibus.

Right, everyone, next rehearsal is a run-through of the wedding song,

so I need a full attendance, please.

I've put the arrangements in the baritone

and the soprano parts on the website.

Maurice, I just wanted to give you these. I really can't...

No, they're not for you.

They're, er, for your Rebecca.

How far along is she now? Er, seven months.

These are apparently all the rage at ante-natal classes.

It helps with demonstrating latching on.

I got a bit abstract with the colours. Right.

Well, thanks very much. I think she only needs one for the class

but, erm, I've made a pair just to be on the safe side.

One's knitted and the other's crocheted.

Well, it's nice to have a choice.

Er, they're for Rebecca. Oh.

Thanks, Grandad. Oh, lovely.

They'll be an ice-breaker if nothing else.

Did you make these yourself?

They're all the rage at the ante-natal clubs.

Well, what time's your class? 4.30. Why, do you want to come?

Yeah, no, yeah...

I will if you really want me to, of course I will... I'm joking.

I know the thought terrifies ya.

Tom's coming. He's going to hand out business cards.

Oh, right.

Well, as long as he's doing it for the right reasons,

that's the main thing.

What about you?

What about me?

Does the thought terrify you?

Bit late for that, in't it?

Is this a cry for help, Maurice?

They're all the rage apparently.

There's a customer.

I hate to be a stickler, but you are the waiter.

She would like you.

Sure you don't want to sit in? Oh, no, I'm fine. Thank you.

So...

I-I expect you're wondering why I didn't call...

..after our early morning chat at the camping... No, no.

I get it.

Euphoria of the barbecue. Words said in haste.

The heady perfume of the chemical toilet.

I-I was just...waiting for the right event.

There's a talk at the library.

At the library, eh? Mm. A travel writer.

He trekked through Nepal and lost three toes to frostbite.

I thought if we had something stimulating, we'd...

We'd have a catalyst for conversation. Sarah...

..you had me at library.

Right.

Does that mean you want to come then? Yes, yes.

Yeah. It was a joke.

End of, er, Top Gun. Oh.

Jerry Maguire.

Jerry Maguire.

Yes, I think that'd be lovely.

I-I brought a leaflet.

Just in case you said yes.

Great.

Tomorrow?

Oh, shit.

Oh...

I'm at Joe's sponsored walk, in Manchester, tomorrow.

You can't miss that, can you...! Sorry...

No, it's...

SHE GULPS LOUDLY

Ah...

Another time, then.

Another time.

You don't like her, do you?

I do like her. What?

Do you think it looked like I didn't like her?

Your body language looked like you don't like her.

Oh, that's just my body. It comes out at odd angles.

Do you think she likes me?

I think she thinks she's your girlfriend.

You need to clean that table again. You missed a bit.

Heather, what are you going to dress up as?

Oh, it's a surprise.

Ice cream man! An ice cream... That'll be cool. Maybe.

Is it a shark? A shark?

No, it's not a shark.

Well, I have written up the risk assessment for the pond in the park.

I've got brollies, welly box, rain hoods if it rains.

All the volunteers are DBS checked.

I've sent sponsor forms home with the kids

so I can chase it up with the parents... Alison, Alison.

Calm down.

This is the best-planned sponsored walk I have ever seen.

It's a local park, not the D-Day Landings.

You think I've over-planned.

No. You've come up with an activity that all the children will enjoy.

And you've made the thing that Joe does best the centre of the day.

You still think it's a good thing to base my assignment on?

You don't think it's bad that I'm using it for my uni course?

You've done a nice thing.

It's not a crime if it helps you, too.

Now you've just got to add our kids and see if it works.

One other thing, though.

What? Have I...? What have I left out?

Enjoy it. Try to enjoy it.

This is me enjoying it. You want to see me when I'm tense.

We could just read a book about it.

And there's loads of stuff on YouTube.

Oh, yeah, YouTube would be my go-to guide for childbirth.

I just don't want to sit in a room with a bunch of people

who have nothing in common except they all

had a shag around the same time.

Come on.

You just sold it to me.

It might even be fun.

CHATTER AND HUBBUB

Oh, come in, come in, Rebecca. You haven't missed much.

We're just contemplating the mucous plug.

Have a seat, love.

I'd like each pair to use the objects

they have to recreate a stage of the birth process.

I think the melon must symbolise the baby.

Any ideas?

Mainly that you're going to have to fight me for that doughnut.

The stages of dilation, I would have thought.

Erm, shall we start with this one?

So, is, er, this your first?

No. I'm not the father.

Oh. I don't think I could raise another man's child.

Me neither.

How is your birth plan coming on? Er, I've made a start.

I know what sandwiches I'm bringing,

and I've put down for every drug known to man.

I mean, all that kit we need, it's unbelievable, isn't it?

John Lewis is great for baby bags, breast pumps, sterilisers

and presenting blankets.

Presenting blankets? Yeah.

Are you having a boy or a girl?

Er, I-I don't know. I didn't want to know.

Oh, it's best to find out.

Then you can imagine how it's going to feel.

Start to get to know the baby as a person before they've even arrived.

We'll get a pint in, eh, when we come out?

I'll run me speech by you.

I'm pulling your leg.

Here it is, let's get in there.

By the time we come out, we'll look like half the Rat Pack.

What are you waiting for? Josh.

Who the hell's Josh? My best man.

So I'm not your best man? No, it's Josh.

He's a laugh.

All right, Josh. I'm Maurice.

MUSIC: Step On by Happy Mondays

KNOCK AT DOOR

KNOCK AT DOOR

REPEATED KNOCKING

I thought you might be in need of sustenance.

Come in.

There's a knack with these kind of fittings.

Your hand is going against what your brain is telling you is logical.

I'm used to that feeling.

Brilliant. Thank you.

Pleasure. Right, what's next?

Chest of drawers?

Well, yeah, but...

We can have the cake and I can do that later.

Do the things you don't want to first, Paul.

That way, your day will always get better

and you'll end it on a smile.

OK, so what are we looking at?

Phillips or flathead screwdriver?

Tom and Jonathan.

So, we thought the melon represents the baby's head,

and the sleeve is the birth canal.

And here we have crowning, ladies and gentlemen.

Yeah. That's very good. Thank you.

Rebecca and Olivia?

So, we're thinking stages of dilation.

Er, first contraction, then bigger.

Bigger still, and eye-watering.

Very good. Excellent.

That was just a bit of fun to get...

Have you really got everything ready?

I mean, yeah. The way I see it is,

make yourself as prepared as you can for the unexpected.

I think we all know what's expected.

What I mean is...

..when the baby arrives,

we don't actually know what it's going to be like, do we?

Now, Tom, can you lend me your melon?

And if I can get two volunteers to pull this scarf from either end,

we can start showing just how much pressure the pelvic floor...

Oh, I see.

I'm being promoted to station one, then, am I?

I think that's a good idea, love.

Cos Grandad can be a bit...

..alarming, if you don't know him.

OK, kiddo. I'm off.

I'll see you bright and early.

Get some sleep. I'll try.

The cross, the map, the park, my class.

Do you remember what Heather said?

We have to enjoy it. Yeah?

What if?

What if what? What if it rains?

It might rain.

But we'll be all right, because we have a plan.

The plan, the cross, the map.

The park, my class.

All those things just help the day go well.

They're not things to worry about.

There will be hats.

Maybe.

If it rains. Or raincoats.

We need hats.

All my class. For the walk.

Hats? Special hats.

For the walk.

So we know.

The hats.

There's 12 hours to go, and now he's saying we need hats.

You all right, Ralph? Yeah!

Josh? He doesn't say much.

Josh?

What's he doing in there? Working on his speech?

What sort of thing are you looking for, sir?

The sort of suit a best man wouldn't wear.

Oh. You look like you should be working the door at Wetherspoons.

What we thinking, fellas?

Not right. More of a classic line?

Softer cut? Oh, you don't want double breasted, Ralph.

I know. And you don't want of them pleated things

that make it look like you've got a book resting on your arse.

Try that on. Have a look in the mirror.

Stop fussing. You're not my dad.

It needs to look good with trainers.

Is he serious? I don't know.

Like he says, I'm not his dad.

Are you keeping it neutral then? Not too busy?

Hmm, that's the idea.

Because of his autism? Because of his autism.

Which is ironic considering he's living at his grandad's,

which is like an auction house.

It speaks well of your family that you can live

with your ex father-in-law without killing each other.

It's only a matter of time.

Bill's grandparents spend their time shouting at him

because of his hearing aids.

And saying with complete confidence,

but without a hint of medical knowledge,

"There's nothing wrong with him."

And, "He hears you when he wants to."

"Oh, he seems to understand you when you offer him an ice cream."

That's one of Maurice's favourites with Joe.

They don't blame Bill, they blame me.

They think I worry too much.

And when I found out there was something wrong with him,

I exaggerated it until he needed hearing aids.

Do they actually say that?

I've always been a worrier.

And then...

..fate gave me a child to worry about.

Not sure it works like that.

You don't have to feel obliged...

..to have our date after this, Paul.

This can count, and we can say we tried.

Well, if there's another talk at the library...

You don't mean that.

I do.

Really.

Shall we get this job finished?

Mm, yeah. OK!

Oh, I'll, erm, just take an antihistamine.

I don't want the paint fumes irritating my membrane.

Amen to that.

He was always first choice, like, for best man?

Yeah.

I just thought he could be a bit more outgoing, you know.

Or at least say a few words, now and again?

Oh, nice.

Smart. You look, er...

..the dog's bollocks.

Very nice.

You could at least have told me you were going to take a vow of silence.

Sorry. It wasn't so bad, though, was it?

OK for you.

Top of the class with your melon installation.

Jonathan was a great leader.

I felt competitive urges I never knew I had.

Olivia banging on about all the plans she's made.

All the kit she's already bought.

She was a bit full-on but.

Perhaps she thought she was being helpful.

Perfect couples do my head in.

Now, come on.

Couples don't come much more perfect than us.

What is it?

Is it just...

..that it's scary now it's really happening?

Yeah, that's it.

I've known you since double English on the first day of Year 7.

I know when you're hiding something from me.

You're right. It's just scary, that's all.

Thanks for your help today. You've saved me loads of time.

Oh, I'm never happier than when I've got my hand on an Allen key.

You're full of surprises.

Well, it's logical. It's reassuring.

And when it's done, it's done.

Although chipboard dust has to be handled with care.

Of course.

I could come tomorrow, if you like?

To the... To the, erm, sponsored walk.

Oh! You said there weren't enough volunteers.

Right. I'd like to.

You do know it's fancy dress?

What about Bill?

Bill's with his gran this week.

The other one. The nice one.

Right. Yeah.

Only if you want me to. Otherwise you just have to say,

"Sarah, you need to retune your antennae!"

No.

No. You should.

Yeah, you should come.

OK. It'd be nice.

Goodness me.

What a day of surprises!

Do you have any herbal tea?

Not so much herbal, no.

I always carry a couple for emergencies.

DOORBELL RINGS

I reckon between us we're capable of making a dozen hats, aren't we?

I didn't mean for you to drop everything and come round.

I just panicked. No. I know how that feels.

I can't believe you've ever panicked.

My first day of teaching practice, I slipped on a mat,

fell over, banged my head.

I was demonstrating an obstacle course.

And all the kids laughed.

I panicked. I wanted to cry.

So I pretended I'd done it on purpose.

Really hammed it up so I could properly cry.

If The Smiths had written a song about teaching practice,

I would have been that song. Aw!

You stuck with it, that's the main thing.

Yeah, well, I had to.

It was what I wanted to do.

Why?

I mean, I know why I'm obsessed with this stuff. It's because of Joe.

But...

Why did you...?

In the first place, I'm ashamed to say,

because I was a nauseating do-gooder.

I'm not being fair on myself.

When I was a kid, there used to be this collecting box

outside the sweet shop, a statue of a little boy with a leg iron

and a walking stick. He might have been blind as well,

but I could've made that bit up.

And I thought, "I could do something about that."

And when I left university, I wanted to be a poet.

But I had to get a job to tide me over before I became famous.

So I, er, I got work at a hospital for people with learning disabilities,

which was easy, because no other fucker wanted to do it.

The first time I went up there I was frightened.

After six months, a nurse said to me,

"You like working here, don't you?"

And I hadn't even thought about it, but I said, "Yeah."

And I knew then that this is what I wanted to do.

Not because I wanted to do good, but because I enjoyed it.

Do-gooders don't survive.

Well, no-one's ever accused me of being a do-gooder, so...

So, now it's my turn to say it to you.

You like doing this, don't you?

And not just because of Joe.

I don't know. It's kind of crept up on me.

The feeling that this might be my life now.

I didn't know what I wanted when I moved here.

I knew what I'd had.

I knew what I'd lost.

For a while it was just about surviving.

But now...

I don't know.

It feels as though it might be all right.

DOOR OPENS AND SHUTS

You OK?

Yeah.

How was the baby class? Great, yeah.

How was the suit hunt? Good. I got something. Quite plain.

You and Ralph didn't go for electric blue mohair then?

We won't be having matching suits. I'm not the best man.

How was the baby class? I thought you were.

I'm on the bench.

How was the baby class? I'm going to keep asking.

I don't know. It was full of couples.

I'm not in a couple.

Full of women who had everything planned. It wasn't my thing.

I know "need" is the wrong word these days,

and we're all strong and independent women and all that...

"Need" is not the wrong word.

Has it occurred to you that you might need your mum right now?

So do you want to go through the plan with me one more time?

No. And neither do you.

Just get an early night, and then embrace the chaos.

It's guilt, you know.

The planning.

Because I can never be sure where his autism ends and my...

..bad parenting begins.

I think I can plan my way out of anything.

So, I think if I plan it might make things better.

Listen. I have a son who's got a first in Modern Languages at Durham.

He's living back with us in his old bedroom,

delivering fast food on a moped so he can earn enough money

to get as far away from his mum and dad as possible.

In the end, it's all bad parenting.

And on that cheery note, I'll see you tomorrow.

8.30. Traffic permitting, yeah.

Traffic permitting? Do you think you should maybe set off a bit earlier?

I'm winding you up. I'll be there.

And...

..I'll take this map with me. No, I can bring that.

No chance. I know what you're like.

If I leave it, you'll still be tinkering with it at two o'clock in the morning.

See you tomorrow.

Hey, mister.

I'm not awake, am I?

We've got the hats for tomorrow.

Everything's ready.

What's all this?

I'm going to like to walk tomorrow, aren't I? Of course you are.

The cross, the map, the park, the class.

You don't have to worry about any of those things.

All you have to do is walk. You walk better than anyone I know.

Right?

There!

Now, stay in your pyjamas till morning.

You'll sleep better, I promise.

I won't do it wrong, will I?

I won't do the walk wrong.

No.

No, it's not like that. It'll be fun.

Now go to sleep. You will dream better in your pyjamas.

It will be fun.

That's right.

Will Asif have fun?

Yes.

Will Tanya have fun? Yes.

Will Abby, Jacob, Caspar, Flo, Ibrahim have fun?

They will.

Hey, if I'd known you were this handy,

I'd have hired you to build the extension.

I just like to keep my hands occupied at all times.

Indeed.

Otherwise who knows what mischief I'd get up to.

No...

Bill's at his gran's.

Yeah. In case you were wondering about me...

..getting back.

If things...get out of hand.

Could happen.

Both of us on the green tea.

SHE SPLUTTERS

Are you OK? Yeah.

Would you like me to kiss you again?

We could give it another go.

PHONE BUZZES

That's my phone. I thought it was.

Hiya.

No, no, no. No, I'm...

..just busy.

Two secs. Don't go.

It's OK. No, no, no.

Honestly, I'll see you soon.

I involved him because I thought he'd understand it better,

but I think I've overwhelmed him.

And what happens if he has a meltdown, and I've got all

the other kids to think of... Whoa, whoa. Look. Listen.

Do you remember the time when he refused to

get off the ferry in France?

Or when he insisted on jumping from the highest diving board

in Center Parcs? Or the time when he was three,

and he pooed in the ornamental carp pond?

He survived those, didn't he?

It'll be fine. Will it?

Or it won't be fine.

Either way. We'll deal with it.

Yeah. You're right.

Thanks.

Thanks.

Bollocks.

MUSIC: Connection by Elastica

A walk in a park. A sponsored walk.

It'll be OK. There's nothing to worry about, is it?

We might have to move soon.

Do you remember what we said? Out of bed by eight.

It's too late now. No. It's not.

You've got time. We can wait.

Do you want me to help you?

Do you want me to help you? Joe.

When you say Joe, you mean wrong.

I don't, love.

I don't. I just want you to know there's nothing to worry about.

I'll be there, the whole time.

Put your clothes on, Joe. You will have a lovely time.

You will, Joe. You will.

I promise.

DOORBELL RINGS

But it's 20 past eight, Ben, and he's still in his pyjamas.

There's no need to panic. There's still loads of time.

Now, you see, that's exactly what I said to Joe.

I can see now why that doesn't work.

What's the worst thing that can happen?

Joe doesn't turn up. I don't turn up.

I've...I've promised something that I can't do.

Heather is there. The volunteers will still turn up. It will happen.

But then Joe's day becomes the day everybody remembers

because Joe wasn't there.

Joe's day... Joe's day. Listen to me.

He hates being the centre of attention.

I should have seen this coming. Maybe he's just overexcited.

Look, shall I talk to him?

As long as you don't use the phrase, "Big day ahead of you."

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Rebecca. She said she might come here first.

But that's good, cos then she can take the hats.

The hats... The hats! Don't worry about the hats.

OK.

Do you like my hat, by the way?

It's lovely.

DOORBELL RINGS Can you...?

FRENCH ACCENT: You said fancy dress!

We give you fancy dress...

Hiya.

You'd better come in.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Joe?

Joe, I won't come in if you don't want.

I just want to know if you're all right.

Well, not sure how that's going to help.

I'm just trying to get everything done so we can leave

when he's ready. I'll go and have a word with him.

No. Look, he's...he's not used to you being here.

He's anxious already. If you go in, he'll feel pressured

and then it'll be a crisis. And this isn't a crisis?

Look, don't make this any harder than it already is, Paul.

I don't know what to do. Just... I do know what to do.

Remember what he's like when he's like this.

I know what he's like. I see him all the time.

Of course I know what he's like. I didn't mean...

Let me just go and have a word with him.

You're the adult here, Paul.

And he's the distressed child.

Just try and remember that, will you?

That helps. That really, really helps.

Dad.

Maybe Alison's right.

I mean, this is his and her space, isn't it?

It might just confuse matters.

Ben, it's all right.

Just trying to help.

And on your side, by the way.

No, look... Paul, you and Ben go.

Me and Ben? And we'll talk to him.

And if he won't come, I'll follow.

And...and Rebecca can stay behind. Is that OK, love?

Yeah.

KNOCK AT DOOR Joe?

Do you remember the map that Joe's mum made for us?

So there's the lake. Can you see it behind us?

Let's look... No sign of Alison yet, but, er,

I've given the course the once-over, just to be on the safe side.

Glad to hear it.

I'm guessing you are the special school.

One or two clues, yeah. I take me hat off to you.

I'm, er, Maurice, Alison's dad, by the way.

I got that. Heather, Joe's teacher.

Right, do we all remember our sponsored walk rules?

Has Alison told you what the hold-up is? Cos I've heard nothing.

First things first, toilet break.

So let's all walk over there, nice and sensible and quiet. That's it.

You don't mind giving us a hand, do you? No, not at all.

Thanks for helping Alison, by the way.

I've never seen her this, erm...

..happy for a long time.

Don't be silly. She's helped me.

Well, that's what you say, but she's my daughter.

I know she can be hard work at times.

You know, when she talked about you, I thought she was exaggerating,

but, no, you're pretty much living up to your reputation.

Right. Good. Hello, Maurice!

Hello! Hiya.

Is this the sponsored walk for Joe's school? Yeah, yeah.

Oh, right, OK. So, Joe's dad said that you might be

short of volunteers, and I am fully checked.

Erm, I have my certificate here, as a matter of fact.

I always carry it round. Paul invited you?

Yeah. She's a neighbour of ours. She knows the territory.

Got a deaf kid. Yeah....

Yeah. So, where is everyone? I thought they'd all be here by now?

Your dad and Ben, they've gone to the park.

We're just going to stay here for a bit, with you.

Will Dad be sad?

No, he won't be sad. He'll have a good time.

Fiery Jack.

The Fall, 1980.

You like to walk.

I like to walk.

So, we could walk?

So, we could walk.

Where do you think we could walk?

The other way. The other way?

That way, Joe, with everybody else. With everybody else.

Hey, Joe, it's OK. It's OK... Why do you have to be different?

Why do you always have to be different?

Right, I tell you what, Joe.

I'm going to go now.

Just to make sure the rest of your class are getting on all right.

And Rebecca's going to stay here with you.

OK, going to go.

It's just us two now.

Just us two now.

I know what this feels like.

When something's going to happen.

Something good, even.

But then you start to think what it might be like, and you worry.

And the worry chases all the good away.

I know what it feels like.

I know what it feels like.

Look, mate, I'm sorry.

About back there.

About butting in.

You were right, really.

It's just...when he's distressed you get pulled in to Joe World,

and all bets are off. I wouldn't have liked it if it had been Molly

and some bloke I hardly knew was trying to tell me...

You know what? You're right. You were bang out of order.

THEY CHUCKLE

One question...

Does this hat make me look like a bit of a tosser?

If I'm being honest, it does a bit.

It's not a power play.

It really does.

Bloody hell. No Joe and no Alison,

and you're giving yourself a pat on the back for turning up?

I can see where Alison gets her anxiety from, Maurice.

Me? I'm not anxious. I'm the calm at the eye of the storm.

If you say so. Who's this, then?

What time do you call this?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, everyone. It's fine.

Oh, hello, Sarah. Hello!

Paul invited her. She's got a certificate. Where's Joe?

Right, everyone. Erm, let's get to the start of the sponsored walk.

I want you all in a nice line, no bunching.

JOE: Where will they be?

I think they'll just be getting to the park.

The walk won't have started yet.

But I might need to get going soon.

Do you know the way?

What's the park called?

What's the park called?

The Sponsored Walk Park.

I don't know where that is. I don't live here.

How will you find it?

I don't know.

Do you know where it is?

Maybe you could show me the way.

The Life Of Riley. The Lightning Seeds, 1992.

Disco 2000. Pulp, 1995.

Station Approach. Elbow, 2005.

I will need a hat.

Right. You all look fantastic.

So, we are going to head down this path and follow those blue arrows

until we get to our first station, and then we're going

to check you off, and you might well get a reward.

Are you ready, Tanya?

Look, there's Joe!

Well done. You owe me a fiver for the bubble machine.

Right, lead the way, fella.

Off you go!

Yes! Oh, well done!

MUSIC: The Life Of Riley by The Lightning Seeds

Right. Well done.

Here you go, mate. Thank you!

You take that one.

Hello, young lady, how's it going?

Two of ya? OK.

There you go, Joseph. Good lad. Keep going that way.

One toffee. Thank you.

# I don't mind

# I get the feeling

# You'll be fine

# I still believe that in this world

# We've got to find the time

♪ For the life of Riley. ♪

Hiya, I've got some fruit. Anyone like some fruit?

Ew, no. No? OK.

You didn't have time for fancy dress, then?

Oh!

No, it's nice. It suits you.

I think me and Bill like to wear them for our movie nights.

That's good to know.

Thanks for coming to help.

Oh, it was a pleasure, it was a pleasure.

Woo! Well done! Cristiano!

Well done, Miss! Woo!

Amazing! Woo!

Come on! Come on, Tanya!

Well done!

Fantastic. Come on, bring it up the rear!

Well done! Yay!

See? I told you it'd be fine.

Oh! You did.

Now you just gotta write it all up.

Yeah, but you know me. I enjoy that bit.

I'm in control at last.

So, not just Joe who's found a positive outlet

for his obsessive behaviour, then?

Well done! I'll see ya later. See you later.

You did it, then.

Yep.

At the risk of breaking my own resolution not to wade in...

..I'm wading in.

I'm making a guess you're terrified.

It was the antenatal class.

It usually is.

I just haven't done anything at all.

Not even got a presenting blanket.

Oh. Outrageous.

This woman in the class mentioned it. I'm not even sure what it is.

It's nonsense. It's just a blanket.

They just call it that so they can charge you more.

You were passed round wrapped in a towel after you were born.

And you were beautiful.

No-one looks at the blanket.

Really?

Really.

And that's it? That's what you were terrified about?

That and everything else.

Rebecca...

..nobody knows what to expect.

It's unknown.

Everybody's panicking in their own way.

Even the woman with the birth plan and...the fully-fitted nursery

and the presenting blanket.

Is every woman thinking, "What if my child has difficulties?"

Is everyone thinking that?

Did it cross your mind when you were having me?

What about when you were having Joe?

I don't... No, no.

But, look, this was maybe always going to be a question for you

because you grew up with a Joe.

He's been your normal.

I looked at all the perfect couples, and I thought,

"I bet you all have perfect babies."

And if anyone's going to have the less than perfect baby, it's me.

You know that that's not true.

The woman in the class, she asked me if my baby was a boy or a girl,

and I...

I told her I didn't know. I wanted a surprise.

The truth is, I don't...

I don't want to know anything because something might be wrong.

And if I say that I don't want a baby like Joe,

then I'm saying I don't want Joe as a brother.

No. No, you're not.

All you're saying is that you want a healthy baby.

You can want a baby without autism AND still love Joe.

It doesn't make you a bad sister.

It doesn't mean you don't love him.

You're not ashamed of me?

I could never be ashamed of you.

I wanted you to be ashamed of me.

To have a go at me.

Why, love? Why would you want that?

To...

..give me something to fight against?

Someone to have a go at?

That way, there'd be no room for regrets or doubt.

Well, I don't know a mother without doubt.

It's the first rule of parenthood.

Whatever you're doing, you're doing it wrong.

What's the second rule?

That everyone else is doing it right.

You could help me with the birth plan.

Oh, boy, could I help you with the birth plan!

Mine was 42 pages, in a bound folder.

Is that you volunteering?

Yeah. If you would like me to, I would love that.

Oh, my girl.

MUSIC: Sketch For Summer by The Durutti Column

Missed a bit.

Thank you.

This was great today.

It was brilliant.

Well, everyone at the school mucked in, you know.

Anyway...

Sarah? That's an interesting choice.

I don't think either of us actually made a choice.

Any, erm...

Any allergies cropped up so far?

All right, all right. Sorry.

Let's just say, she's got a well-hidden sense of irony

that neither of us fully appreciated.

If you say so. I'm not judging you.

I talked to Ben. Well done.

What? I just don't really know what to say to you sometimes.

It's hard to do small talk with someone you know this well.

Are you two going to be long?

I could have made you both a suit in this time!

Button flies. Why anybody still insists on using these.

There you are. Emporio Armani meets Emporio Penguin.

What? I thought I'd done them all.

I'll say this for you, Maurice. You scrub up well.

Ralph chose it.

Well, he's got a good eye, my boy.

He's probably feeling bad.

Leading me on like that about being his best man.

God's sake, Maurice! Let it go!

Well, I don't know what kind of speech Josh is going to make,

but I've not heard a word out of him so far.

Maybe that's why Ralph chose him.

So he won't take all the attention on his big day.

Well?

You'll do.

You'll do.

Now go and get changed before I make a fool of myself.

Go on.

She likes it. That's why she's sending you away.

Well, don't look at me for an explanation. That's women for ya.

You better get used to it.

Shall I go and get changed too?

You could give me a Frank Sinatra song before you do, if you like.

Maybe at the wedding.

Those trousers are going to need taking up, Ralph!

Thank you for today.

It was fun.

In the end.

Yeah, in the end.

I'm sorry.

For having a go at you when you were backing me up with Paul.

I can't pretend I wasn't a little put out.

But you're a family.

Oh!

You're a good man.

I'm a top singer. You're not a top singer.

A great lover?

Better than your singing, yeah.

Yeah? It gets better.

PHONE BUZZES

It's Rebecca. Sorry.

Hello.

Hello. How are you? What are you doing right now?

Hello.

I'm fine. How are you?

What are you doing right now?

I am fine. I am speaking into the phone.

Well, I asked for that.

What did you ask for?

It's just a saying.

Shouldn't you be in bed?

Is Ben there? Yeah, yeah.

Ben's here. Do you want to talk to him?

Is he sleeping in my bed?

No!

I'll probably sleep in your bed.

Here's Rebecca.

Joe, you did really well today.

Looking after everybody...

It's me. I'll tell him.

Oh...

Thank you.

We think Joe's got a future as a card shark.

He plays us. Maybe he's been playing us all along.

Yes. Do you remember that time in Corfu?

It was Italy. Er, Dad says it was Italy.

Yes! That's right. That's right, it was.

Well, your dad's got a better memory for these things than I have.

Goodnight.

Night, Mum.

And thank you for today. Thank you.

Night.

Dad?

OK, OK.

Hmm...

I-i-is...

..that your card?

How are you doing that?

Oh, I can't tell you that. I'll get chucked out the Magic Circle.

My turn now.

OK.

OK, go on, then.

Go on. Out into the hall.

No peeping.

OK! Erm...

Joe?

Joe?

DOOR SHUTS

Joe.

Yeah, he's gone to bed.

He's made himself disappear!

It's a better trick, in fairness.

You OK, love? Yeah.

I'm fine.

I'm glad your mum's found someone.

All that stuff at the house. That was just, you know...

Things were a bit tense.

Ben seems nice.

And he seems good with Joe, and your mum likes him, so...

Doesn't it make you sad to say that?

It makes me sad for you.

Not for me.

I'm sorry.

I'll always be sorry.

You going to keep that suit on till the wedding?

This isn't still about not being his best man, is it?

He just wanted a mate to do it.

Josh has been his mate since he was ten.

I could tell that by their repartee.

Do you think I drove Eddie away?

What's brought this on?

Something Ralph said.

"You're not my dad."

Well, he was probably just being stroppy.

That's what young men say to older men.

I'm not, though, am I?

I drive me own son away, and now, well...

What am I to Ralph, when all's said and done?

You're just going to have to grin and bear this, Maurice.

Because this is Ralph's wedding!

Well, that's just it, isn't it?

When you think about it.

What's the point of me even going to the wedding?

Ugh!

HE CLEARS THROAT

PHONE BUZZES

Hello?

Hiya. Oh. Hello.

Erm...

I was thinking about Joe at Ralph's wedding.

Cos he's going to need a...

..a mate or two there.

Cos kids get bored...at weddings.

And I was thinking...

..it'd be great...

..if Bill could come.

And he can't come on his own, so maybe...

..you could come, too.

To Ralph's wedding.

If you're free?

As my plus one?

Well, plus two with Bill.

Yeah! Obviously.

Would you like to come?

Erm...

Er, well... Er, yeah, that'd be lovely.

Great.

Oh. And, er, Sarah? Yeah?

Maybe don't wear the onesie.

OK, then, bye.

Er, OK, well, b-b-bye then, Paul. Bye.

HE EXHALES

Have you seen this one?

That's lovely.

Have you...seen this one?

I booked it.

Weekend after next.

If you fancy it? Yes, I do.

That's lovely. Thank you.

I'm looking forward to it already.

Are you coming to bed? Yeah, I'll be up in a minute.

Yep.

Sure.

In a minute.

Ben...

This is Doug. He's Ralph's dad. Hello, son.

Sarah!

You like Bill's mum, Sarah, don't ya?

I promise I won't get drunk and disgrace myself.

I'd be disappointed if you don't.

I should've stayed in touch. Yeah, you should.

He's not seen you for ten years.

This is the day before his wedding, for God's sake!

You've got what you wanted.

I'm just not sure it's what Ralph wanted.