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Did you get all that?

Oh, I got it.

And I plan on using it as evidence

when the men in the white lab coats

finally come to take you home.

Hey, it's for science, my psychology final,

a study in the willingness for humans to engage in joy.

Does it matter

that classes don't start till tomorrow

or that you haven't signed up

for a psych class this semester?

I might take one someday.

Besides, be prepared, that's the Girl Scout's motto.

That's the Boy Scout's motto.

Then what's the Girl Scout's?

Eat more cookies.

You know?

Can you believe how many people wouldn't dance?

I know.

It was like there was an outbreak of sanity on campus.

Dance like no one is watching people!

Says the girl that had me record said dancing.

Dance like no one but Kate is watching, people.

That'll make all the difference.

Ooh. Ooh, is it in there?

Hmm hmm.

- Oh, come on. - Aw.

Hey, any chance you saw this?

Juliet? I read everything she writes.

Her romance column got me through freshman year.

So you like this Juliet person?

Tell me what is she saying this time?

Sure, there are walls between men and women,

but the true Romeo leaps the garden walls

waiting for that true love,

the one willing to risk the blade,

is the only road to happiness.

Women, wait for the real Romeo.

I love hearing those words out loud.

So tell me, is this bordering on genius

or like extreme genius?

Oh, good grief, shameless.

We will talk later.

Next, you'll be signing autographs.

Have my 8x10s ready to go.

The anonymous love guru.

You should try romance, sometime.

I did once.

Bobby Butler, second grade.

It was the worst half hour of my life.

I still think I have cooties.

I was kidding about the cooties.

I've gotta go home.

- Is everything okay? - Yes!

Dorms that way.

Home, home, I'll text you.

- Hi! - Mom.

You're back home already.

How quickly did you go through your laundry, hmm?

You're a finalist.

That's right!

Read it and weep, journalism world.

The Pealy Scholarship?

That's a full ride to grad school.

Really?

You'd think I would know that

since I'm the one that applied, but.

Sorry, this is a lot to process.

Is this from your columns?

I think so.

Professor Murrow said my articles might be enough

to put me over the edge.

Oh, I wish...

You know, dad would be so proud of you.

Me?

He would be so proud of you.

I mean, going back to school at your age.

At my age?

- I'm not saying you're old. - Hmm hmm.

I mean, you are ancient.

I'm not saying it.

What I'm saying is, Dad would be so proud of you.

Mm, you are right about that.

He had the gift of encouragement.

Well, you two were the perfect pair.

Mm.

Hold up, mom, is this your textbook?

Yeah.

My gosh, he would not have encouraged this.

You already read the whole thing?

Ah huh.

Classes don't even start until tomorrow.

I believe in the Girl Scout motto, be prepared.

That's the Boy Scouts motto.

What's the Girl Scout motto?

Always store your Thin Mints in the freezer.

Ooh, practical, those Girl Scouts.

But mom, seriously?

You have to loosen up.

You're gonna be among my people tomorrow

and we do not read entire textbooks

before the start of the semester.

Oh really, what do you do?

Live life.

Like YOLO, mom.

What is YOLO?

You something something.

You only laugh out...

You know, the point is, you have to start living life.

It's expected of all college students.

I live life.

Color-coordinated, schedule down to the details

and neatly stacked in rows.

The good life.

Mother, make me proud.

Promise me that tomorrow,

you will do one wild and crazy thing.

Oh, wild and crazy?

Like your freshman year?

Yeah, not that crazy.

And I paid back the bail money.

So what does my wild and wise daughter want me to do?

Hmm, I don't know.

The universe will tell you.

Oh, dear.

Just wait for your moment and go with it.

But you have to promise me

that you will do this one wild and crazy thing.

If I promise

to do one crazy thing,

do you promise to do one sensible thing?

- Done? - Oh?

I always bring my laundry home to to you.

Touche.

It's adorable.

After all this time,

she still lights up when talking about him.

You think she'll ever find someone else?

I pity the fool who tries to fill his shoes.

He completed her.

Are you quoting a romance movie or is that the A-Team?

I was thinking of the line from the Silmarillion.

All have their worth

and each contributes to the worth of others.

Right,

'cause haven't we all memorized the Cinnamonroll-ian?

Sorry for eavesdropping,

but that quotes from The Two Towers, not the Silmarillion.

Ooh, strange boy come to mansplain Tolkien to Micki?

And I have a front row seat!

Kate!

She knows everything there is to know about the Inkers.

Inklings.

Lewis, Tolkien and Williams.

And Barfield, Dyson, Harvard and Lewis.

Yeah, she already said Lewis.

Likely referring to CS.

I'm including his brother Warren.

Well, don't forget Dorothy Sayers.

Sayers was not an official member.

Only because she was a woman.

I'll give you that.

Ooh, he'll give you that.

Hey, follow through and give her your number.

Kate?

I'm Noah.

She's Micki Sayers.

No relation to Dorothy.

Too bad.

You might have been eligible for the Inkers.

Can I help you?

Morrison, 325.

The numbers don't seem to go in order here.

I think the idea is to train the students

to follow their instincts and not trust their minds.

Interesting academic technique.

Making foolishness out of the world's wisdom.

At least that's what we tell ourselves when we goof.

325 is on the second floor.

300's are on the second floor, below the 200s?

Something about the first shall be last, maybe.

Keeping the 300s humble.

I can show you, if you like.

- No, thanks, I got it. - Okay.

One crazy thing, right?

Hold up.

I would love an escort.

That may be heretical.

Good thing my dental insurance covers orthodoxy.

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

No, no, no, no, no.

You do not get to make a joke that bad.

Oh, girls just wanna have pun.

Oh, I have been warned.

So do you work here, as well?

No, I'm...

No.

It's too bad.

I was kind of hoping to see you around campus a bit more.

Oh, no, I'll be, I mean,

I don't technically work for the university,

a gun for hire.

I'm a consultant. Really?

Hmm hmm, evaluator.

I evaluate classes, professors for the school,

I evaluate things and give my evaluations to the school.

I see.

- Hmm. - Well this is awkward.

Oh, sorry.

You're a professor.

Of course.

Not just a professor.

Apparently, the one you're going to be evaluating.

It's my class.

This will be fun.

Won't it though?

Eh.

No way, why did you lie?

My demon spawn told me to.

I told you to do something crazy,

not crazy stupid.

So how cute is he?

- Kate! - What?

We were all thinking it.

What did he say when he found out you were a student?

He didn't.

When he called "Toni Sayers" taking attendance,

I just kept my mouth shut.

Uh, so what does he think your name is?

Betty White.

What?

It was the first thing to pop into my head.

I told him my parents were Golden Girls fans.

Mom, we need to give you lying lessons.

Not that I've ever lied.

Says, Juliet.

Speaking of romance. It's not a romance.

Micki met a boy.

Wait, you met a boy?

And now it's time to hit the books.

Never too early to get a running start.

I'm writing a letter to the editor,

or at least a strongly emoji'ed text.

What's got your hair in a knot?

Did you see the romance column today?

There isn't a romance column today.

Back page.

Why should we leap over walls put up by women

as a test of romantic ideals?

Men, can you think of a single woman

worth playing these kinds of games for?

Here's an idea, Juliet.

Tear down this wall.

Ah!

Good response, Addie.

15 is exactly correct.

Note that when responding to a child,

you repeat the correct answer in your response.

Shall we try another mock trial?

Kate?

If you have $5 and you ask your father

for five more dollars,

how many dollars do you have?

$5.

I'm sorry, you don't seem to understand your math.

You don't seem to understand my father.

It's a gif.

Of a cat jumping off a bed.

Badly, Kate, trying to say hang in there.

You shouldn't take this personally.

But I love taking things personally.

Besides, his column is a point-on-point attack against mine.

Healthy debate in print is a good thing.

It's one of the positives of the news media.

I'll just trash his sanctimonious butt in my next column.

And that's one of the negatives.

Just focus on being you.

I'll try.

Oh, another piece of news,

there are two finalists for the Pealy scholarship.

I knew that.

Who's the other one?

You have got to be kidding me.

Who is this guy?

You're gonna find out soon enough.

The Pealy committee has asked me to arrange a debate

between the two of you.

Debate? On what?

Focus of your columns.

Romance.

You get to express your ideas out in public.

It's sort of a tiebreaker for the scholarship.

When?

Last week of October.

I've set up a way for you two

to come out from behind your bylines,

so-to-speak, and to discuss and agree on the debate rules.

Knives or guns?

Dog.

Also trying to hang in there.

- Professor Lutton? - Ah, Rose.

A flower by any other name would smell just as sweet.

- Rose? - From the Golden Girls.

Betty White's character?

Ye...

The actress you were named for.

Oh, right, Betty White.

That's me.

What brings you to my office?

Well, I had a question on the text from class.

Niebuhr is quoted as saying-

Just outta curiosity,

how many of these course observations

are you going to be doing?

It's been two weeks.

All semester.

My company's very thorough.

I guess so.

Sorry to interrupt, Oscar, meeting's been moved to four.

- Thanks. - Hey!

Sorry, I don't think we've met.

Jim Marcus, ancient languages.

- I'm- - Catherine Hepburn.

She's on our Title IX team.

We're just going over some stats for the meeting.

I've spotted the loons.

Jim's a great guy,

but he really hates class evaluators

and I wanted him to like you.

Okay.

Good slam, but make it less direct.

One might say romance is dead if one's heart were dead.

Ooh, yeah, that's better.

When winter comes,

the winter wild that hill and wood shall slay.

When trees shall fall

and starless night devour the sunless day.

When wind is in the deadly east,

then in the bitter rain,

I'll look for the and call to thee.

I'll come to thee again.

Call 911.

I think he's having a stroke.

It's not a stroke.

It's the song of the Ents from Lord of the Rings.

Call 911.

I think he's having a nerd stroke.

When winter comes and singing ends,

when darkness falls at last,

when broken is the bear and bow

and light and labor passed,

I'll look for thee and wait for thee

until we meet again.

Together we will take the road beneath the bitter rain.

Maybe I'm the one having a stroke.

Tuesday night, 7:00 PM?

I'll check my calendar.

Wasn't that the cutest little nerd thing?

You're just jealous.

What's Evlish for "not?"

- Monkey's butt. - Rebuttal?

Yep, rebuttal is three minutes.

I guess that makes sense in a sick sort of way.

Is that a giraffe?

- Duh. - Playing golf.

No, giraffe.

How long is his neck?

How long do we speak?

And golf, because golfers say?

- Fore. - Fore!

Four minutes, you couldn't have made a list like a person?

Ew, that sounds so normal.

Is that an elephant?

Huh, no, that one's just for fun.

I want Romeo to like teeter on the edge of bit,

trying to guess what the heck it means.

And he's late.

Noah.

Hi.

Micki. Kate.

Doctor. Doctor. Doctor.

Sorry, I haven't responded yet, it's just-

No, don't worry.

Busy, I know.

Both right? So maybe later.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll text you.

Text you back.

Right, right.

So uh.

Go, gotta go.

Yeah, you gotta go.

You cannot toy with that boy.

He has got it bad.

- Still, work before pleasure. - Hmm.

Let's give this Not Your Romeo, his poison first.

You gotta make time for love, babe.

You know where I learned that?

- Hmm? - Your column.

Oh, you've read my column?

No, I'm waiting for the movie.

Um, hello?

About time.

You're Romeo?

No, I'm Hugo.

I mean, do you write the column, Not Your Romeo?

Yeah, that's me.

I write that.

I'm the Not Your Romeo guy.

Oh, you are in my Elementary Ed class.

Yeah, that's you, right?

I'm Hugo.

Yeah, I got that the first time.

I uh...

I play lacrosse.

No kidding.

I always wondered how do you get the stick up in the air

when your knuckles are dragging on the ground?

Nevermind.

Okay, Romeo, let's come to an agreement on debate rules.

The guy's a complete moron.

I don't think he can string enough words together

to write his own name, let alone a whole column.

It's the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Kate is right.

Don't underestimate him.

Still waters run deep.

I'm gonna mop the floor with those still waters.

Is that really the right attitude to have?

Absolutely.

He is another human being.

Please, sorry, I'm stuck on the image of Mick mopping,

let alone cleaning anything.

He's stealing my scholarship.

It is not your scholarship.

Can you mop our dorm room with him?

The floor is sticky.

Remember our rule.

If you're gonna be mom,

you can't study with us. Okay, okay.

Unless being mom means bringing homemade snacks.

Oh, cookie score.

Why such the bookworm?

Stupid professor gave me a B+ on my last paper.

- So sorry. - Sorry?

What's wrong with a B+?

It's not an A.

Right. My bad.

Professor Lutton?

Ah, the intrepid examiner.

You know you had me worried back there.

You take copious notes.

The topic is fascinating.

And the delivery?

Noteworthy.

What can I do for you today?

Well, I, I, I ran into one of the other students

from our class, Toni Sayers?

You need to tell Toni to come to class.

Participation is part of her grade.

I will pass that along.

Anyway, she was saying that you put a note

on one of her essays to ask you

about a poster for an academic fair.

- I said that? - Hmm hmm.

Hmm, must have been a good essay.

What grade did I give her? An A.

Not sure why it wasn't an A+, to be honest.

We don't give A+'s at this institution.

Oh, right, of course.

So about the academic fair-

Now, Betty, you know,

I can't talk to you about another student's work.

- Oh. - FERPA.

Oh, right.

Oh, Dr. Johnson, I'll be out in a second.

Oh, have you met Audrey Hepburn?

She's on the Title IX team.

Audrey Hepburn?

Her parents were big Sabrina fans.

- Okay. - Yeah, big Sabrina fans.

Really into teenage witches.

Teenage witches?

Which is clearly a show that Audrey Hepburn was not in.

Okay.

You told the other guy my name was Catherine Hepburn.

I did?

Oh, sorry.

I can't keep my Hepburn's straight.

Hey, it's not easy keeping up a false identity.

Tell me about it.

Just relax your shoulders.

You don't sneak up on a woman with a bow!

Yeah, good advice.

What are you doing here?

I just, I wanted to know something.

You never seem to wanna speak to me.

Why?

Are you kidding, Not Your Romeo?

What would we talk about?

We can talk about stuff.

What do you wanna talk about?

I don't know.

Art, poetry, beauty, things you wouldn't understand.

Beauty, huh?

I get that I'm not one for art or poetry,

but that doesn't mean I don't know anything about beauty.

May I?

For me, it's in nature.

One morning, I was out in the woods,

the sun barely up,

and there was like this mist covering the ground.

I sat at the base of a tree.

Maybe an hour, I don't know.

I lose track of time out there.

I feel him before I see him,

this deer,

buck,

coming out of the trees.

Antlers at full growth.

Muscle thick, tall, majestic.

It's just me and him.

No other sounds.

We make eye contact.

It's like the hush of God's presence.

Peace.

Electricity.

Me knowing that deer.

And him knowing me.

A moment outta time.

One shot.

Straight to the heart.

That?

That is beauty.

So don't take this the wrong way,

but you are a horrible, horrible human being.

Is there a right way to take that?

Here.

Just relax your shoulders.

You'll do just fine.

I never grow tired of that story.

Have you ever seen the original TV movie?

No, I haven't.

I've read the book though.

"A Grief Observed."

Yeah, that's right.

That's right.

I tried to reread it though.

I can't get through it without crying.

I'm not sure I get it.

I mean, intellectually sure.

But from a life standpoint,

I guess I'm too young or haven't lost enough.

I thought I could describe a state.

Make a map of sorrow.

Sorrow, however, turns out not to be a state but a process.

Whoa.

Sounds like you understand.

Not understand,

but I do get it.

Who?

My dad.

I was nine.

Sorry.

How'd you deal?

Not all that different from Lewis,

and dealing with the death of his wife.

I was angry for a long time.

At?

God, I guess.

I mean, who else can you blame for cancer?

But like Lewis said, it's a process.

Do you miss him?

Sorry, stupid question.

No, no, no, it's okay.

I mean, of course, I do.

He was perfect.

Him and my mom,

if only someday day I can find half of what they had.

I've never really had my faith tested.

Stable home.

No desire to go all prodigal.

Wonder how I'll do when the testing comes?

You'll do fine.

Okay, let's talk about something else.

What, depression and grief isn't romantic enough for you?

Oh, I'll bring that up in the debate.

Let's not talk about the debate.

What do you wanna talk about?

Nothing.

Let's just walk.

Yeah.

Sounds perfect.

I'm surprised to see you awake at all.

What time did you sneak in?

Not that late.

And do I want to know what the two of you were doing?

- Talking. - Hmm.

I would say, just talking.

But man, we went deep.

You've been seeing each other

for about three weeks every night.

And all he's interested in doing is talking?

I'm not saying that.

I will say he's been the perfect gentleman.

Mm.

You should have taken Lit & Culture with me.

Why, is it good?

She's making us read Electra.

Oh, I love Electra.

I know, hence me wanting you there, to copy your notes.

Electra rocks.

She really knew what she wanted.

She killed her mother.

Well, we don't all have mothers like yours.

Excuse me.

Well, if it isn't the romance killer.

Deer killer.

I come unarmed.

And what did you come for?

A truce.

I was hoping this debate thing could, you know,

not come between us all?

There's a between us all?

I didn't know that.

Hugo, dear boy,

you can't blast me from the paper

and expect it not to reverberate to real life.

The internet has given too many people

a sense of anonymity.

Life is life, dude.

- But uh. - Spit it out.

You publish your column from a fake name.

So anonymity?

The boy makes his mark.

Good point. Good point.

Okay, then, let's go public.

Attention please for an important announcement.

The mysterious columnist, Juliet, is me.

And Not Your Romeo is none other

than our dear friend, Hugo.

Next month we'll be debating our points of view on romance.

But for your viewing pleasure,

we'll give you a preview of it now.

Hugo. Yeah, go on.

- What, no, I'm- - Chicken?

Afraid to be exposed for the fraud that you are?

Let's have at it.

As you all know,

Romeo has declared that romantic love is a waste of time.

I never, I mean in context-

That's Shakespeare, Austen, Shelly,

and Keats are all hogwash.

His opinion.

Does science take his side?

Is Romeo aware that simply reading romance lowers stress,

decreases the chance of heart failure

and increases brain function?

I, I didn't know that.

Hmm, so what do you know, Romeo?

Why are you so afraid of romance?

Because it's a confidence boost for women?

Are you afraid of confident women?

I can list the benefits of romantic love all day.

Can you give me one negative?

I don't wanna do this.

Just give it a shot.

- Um, Plato. - What about Plato?

He thought that romantic love was, well, horrific

and what it made people do.

So your argument is that Plato doesn't like love?

- Well no, he did. - Did or didn't?

Make up your mind.

He did like love, just not romantic love.

For him, brotherly love was more ideal.

Hmm.

Well it sounds like poor Plato got friend zoned too much.

He couldn't get a girlfriend.

So he decided love without romance was the real deal.

What about you?

Friend zoned too much?

Is that why you're so bitter towards women?

Micki, come on.

Now that we've exposed Not Your Romeo,

let's really expose him.

Have a girlfriend, Hugo?

Ever have a girlfriend?

Ever talk to a girl? Hmm?

Just as I thought.

Repression is not a good basis for an opinion!

This debate is gonna be a whole lot easier than I thought.

I don't think you had to be so personal.

Oh, everything is personal in love and war.

Felt a bit more like war.

Who are you looking at?

Noah, he's gone.

Oh, well.

Prof, you said you need to see me?

Oh, Betty, glad you could make it.

Look who's come for a visit.

- Yeah. - Dr. Linda West.

The Dr. Linda West,

President of the ECEEA.

The uh?

East Coast Educational Evaluators Association.

Your accreditor.

Right, the old ECAE...

A.

Dr. West, I don't think we've ever officially met.

I don't think we have.

And there's a very good reason for that.

Yes, there is.

I was just elected.

I have not been able to visit your chapter.

I am so sorry.

Oh right, sure.

Of course, that is why we haven't met.

Hmm.

What chapter are you from?

Oh, you know the one that covers this area?

Bloom's Pedagogical Division

or the Kentucky Accurate Assessment Association?

That first one, the Blooms thing.

Oh, good.

We have so much to talk about.

Oh, oh, yummy.

All this insider talk is making me feel lost.

We do not wanna make you feel left out.

So why don't we talk about something else?

No, no, no, no.

I enjoy seeing you in your environment.

Please, make yourselves comfortable.

She said if we needed an ice cream break,

she picked up something from the store.

How much did she get?

Well, she says all of it.

- What flavors did she get? - What flavors did she get?

Well, she says all of them.

Must have been a rough afternoon.

Yeah, or something.

Hey, girls aren't allowed on this floor past-

How dare you!

That is so offensive.

I'm not a girl. I, I-

- I'm a woman. - I, I-

Shame! Shame!

Wha, I gotta go.

He does have a point.

It is after 11.

Well, yeah, I know,

but I wanna celebrate our victory over Romeo.

And I want Noah in on the celebration.

You just want Noah so you can-

Oh no, no, no, no, don't say it.

Or no ice cream for you.

Lips sealed.

But I do think you went a little overboard with Hugo.

Yeah, I know.

I kind of got caught in the moment and went all stupid.

But I'll apologize to him next time I see him.

But party first, apology second.

Think your boy toy could have met us someplace

a little less disgusting?

Well, he hasn't answered any of my texts.

So the mountain has come to him.

Wait, wait, hold on.

I think this is it.

What are you doing here?

Girls aren't allowed on the floor.

Not a girl, woman.

Yeah, that covers it, shame, whatever.

We are here to celebrate.

Celebrate what?

My victory today.

You mean when you embarrassed that guy

in front of the whole campus?

Was that fun?

- Fun? - To hurt someone?

He didn't ask to be treated like that.

I don't feel like having this conversation.

Please, go.

No, I'm not going until we talk this out.

Hey, I have an idea.

How about we talk this out a little more out of sight?

Don't go in there.

Oh, don't tell me you have a girl in your room?

I just got done talking about not girl woman thing.

How are we supposed to make progress whe-

Uh, either he does have a girl in his room

or that pile of clothes is possessed.

Noah?

That's not a girl.

It's my roommate.

Then why is he hiding?

Crap, I wish it was a girl.

Hugo, come out, come out wherever you are.

Your roommates with Romeo?

Oh, I think it's a little worse than that.

You wanna know why Hugo is so poor at the debate?

He's not our guy.

This is another Romeo column.

Your handwriting.

What gives?

Tell her.

She's a little slow on the uptake.

Hugo's not Not Your Romeo.

He is.

When I went to the debate prep meeting,

I saw it was you,

that you were Juliet.

I didn't want to jeopardize, whatever.

So I sent Hugo in to pretend to be me.

Well...

Consider our whatever jeopardized.

That's a pretty good idea

now that I've seen the real you.

Seen the real me?

I opened up to you about my father.

Things that nobody else knows about.

And the whole time you were lying to me

about who you were?

I wasn't lying.

Oh so what?

Dating me was just a way to get a leg up on the debate?

You.

I thought you were.

Who?

What was his name again?

I can't remember.

♪ You told me I was special ♪

♪ Didn't mean it or whatever ♪

♪ I may have been sore ♪

♪ But I'm staring to feel better ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ I'm living up the dream ♪

♪ The sky's the limit and I've got other responsibilities ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ It's time to do my thing ♪

♪ Raise my voice and sing ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

I've just never seen you so well groomed

Well, one should never neglect personal hygiene.

Cleanliness is next to godliness.

Right.

Roommate for three years,

and not once did I see you make your bed.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Has she been dressing like this every day?

Hmm, every day.

She did the laundry.

Mopped the floors.

Scrubbed the toilets.

I'm really frightened.

Okay, um, yeah.

And these are?

Potential plans for the future.

Organized by cost,

time for delivery and feasibility in the current climate.

Hack into his financial aid and double his student loans?

Hire an assassin on the dark web?

Develop an immunity to iocaine powder

and challenge him to a battle of wits?

Yeah, I should put that one over here.

It's gonna take too much time.

Wow, you are really hurting.

This level of organization is well like,

your mother. I know.

My rock bottom. Hey!

No offense.

It's just he hurt me.

Is it wrong to fantasize about hurting him back?

As long as it stays in the world of fantasy.

Well, the real world solutions on the right.

Fantasy on the left.

When are you coming back to campus?

I'm not.

I've got a new career goal.

What? Destroy Noah?

Well, people have had fulfilling lives at less.

What happened to the carefree girl

that danced across campus?

I guess she found out people were watching after all.

So the men win again?

What you talking about, Willis?

Noah is on campus living his life

like nothing ever happened.

He won.

He destroyed you. He did not.

But it's okay because you as a weak, feeble female,

it was inevitable to end this way.

You can't goad me.

Okay, what should I do?

Okay, go back to your life.

Good point.

Besides, then I can gear up for the debate

and humiliate him publicly.

Good plan, Kate.

Fancy meeting you here.

You sent me a note saying,

will you meet me at the archery range?

Yeah, that was me.

Which you threw at me as a paper airplane

during a lecture like an eight-year-old.

That is a bit of an exaggeration.

Will you meet me?

Check box, yes or no?

You even wrote it in crayon.

Well, it's Elementary Ed

and I turn into a third grader in Elementary Ed.

What do you want?

- Micki's miserable. - Good!

She's miserable because she really, really likes Noah

and she has a hard time hating someone

that she really, really likes.

Double good.

Right. So how's Noah?

That's what I thought.

They're supposed to be together.

When they're apart, they're miserable.

And as long as they are miserable, I'm miserable.

So what do you supposed to do about it?

Easy.

We bring them together.

Shh!

Whatever happens though, don't leave me.

I'm not gonna leave you with some creepy guy

as your study partner.

Right and to be clear,

he was assigned to me for the project.

Not my choice.

Yeah, I got you.

Okay and sorry in advance.

Sorry? For?

What do you want?

I believe you've met Hugo from my Elementary Ed class.

He's the creepy guy I have to do the project with?

I'm the creepy guy.

And why is loiter-sack with him?

Because I don't wanna be alone with you two.

I see why you didn't tell me who you were meeting.

I'm out.

Dude, I'm invoking bro code.

- Well, I'm out. - No, no, no.

I have to stay and when a girl needs a friend...

- Okay. - Hey.

I feel sad for you.

No sense of romance.

Did you know that for most of history,

society thought of love as a horrible sickness?

Really?

A disease that makes someone want to live

for another person?

Sounds awful.

It drives people to make stupid decisions.

It drives people to do more

than ever thought they could.

- Take Romeo and Juliet- - That's not a romance!

It's a tragedy.

Their love was cut short.

Because they made stupid decisions.

Juliet should have married the man

her father picked for her.

Oh, and live in a tragedy rather than die in a tragedy?

Is that what you think?

We should go back to arranged marriages?

There are our worse things.

- Uh, guys. - Oh, wow.

Too bad we didn't stay together.

I bet my dad could've gotten two cows and a chicken for me.

- Don't oversell yourself. - Noah.

And don't undervalue freedom for women

to choose their mate.

There are still plenty of countries

that sell women like cattle.

- I'm not saying that! - Then what are you saying?

What I've been saying all along.

Romance makes people do stupid stuff.

- Like you dating me? - Like me dating you!

They let you publish this?

She practically forced them to.

"Why all men are nauseating, a partial listing."

It is two pages long.

Yeah, that's why I said partial list.

She has united the women and men.

They both hate the paper.

- Oh honey. - I know, I know!

I was just so mad.

Don't make her angry.

You wouldn't like her when she writes when she's angry.

Thanks a lot.

Anyone up for breakfast at Tiffany's?

Oh, sorry, girls.

But you are on your own tonight.

I have been invited to a university fundraiser.

Oh, are we meeting teacher?

No, I mean, he will be there, but not like that.

Does he still think you're one of the Hepburns?

Yes, he is having a hard time keeping his lies straight.

I'm having trouble keeping up.

Mick, breakfast at Tiffany's?

Can't, just thought of more things to add the list.

This column is a two-parter.

Keep an eye on her.

I'm sorry, where am I supposed to park?

Uh, you don't park, ma'am.

I park.

Oh, right.

Of course.

Audrey, Oscar was just telling me about you.

Right, I'm Audrey.

Of course, I am.

And you are?

Oh, so sorry.

Grace, Francis, president.

Of the university.

Oh, right. Sorry.

Right, uh.

So very nice to meet you.

Pleasure is all mine.

Oscar says you are considering

a donation of a significant size.

Donation to?

Oh, right, I am at a fundraisers.

You must tell me more about your father.

Hmm?

Oscar says he was a big Honeymooners fan.

That's why they named you Audrey.

I'm sorry, I'm not tracking.

Audrey Meadows.

Your dad, the founder of Meadows Meats.

I'm sorry.

You are Audrey Meadows?

To the moon, Oscar.

To the moon.

Can't believe I agreed to this.

Your mother said get you outta the house.

This is out of the house.

Besides, you've been looking forward to the screening

of you know, for ages.

The Bakshi animated Lord of the Rings?

On the big screen?

You're right, I'm excited.

Here's our row.

Noah and Hugo?

You have got to be kidding me.

I am so out of here.

Whoa.

This will not be in theaters again in our lifetime.

And we are gonna sit someplace-

No, because this place is packed and these are our seats.

So come on, don't let him win.

Excuse us.

Excuse me.

You guys want some popcorn?

- No. - No!

I'd love some, starving.

Didn't have anything for dinner except,

you know, sarcasm and rants against men.

You had a double decker burger.

Rants make me hungry.

I'll split it with ya.

- Do you mind? - Yes, I do.

Switch seats with me.

- What? - Switch seats with me.

So I can get as much of that free popcorn as I want.

I'm not switching seats with you.

- Hey, sit down. - Yeah.

Dude, you are getting between me and free food.

Switch! Move it.

Okay. Okay.

Well played.

Oh, yeah, no, I just really like popcorn.

You know, the armrest is not solely for you.

Not yours either.

I paid just as much as you did.

Come on.

I've waited 10 years to see this movie on the big screen.

Great, got a manspreader next to me.

Oh, you want me to manspread?

How's this?

Typical.

Of course, I'm typical.

All men are the same to you.

I mean it, shut up.

Why don't I mansplain what manspreading is to you?

It's when a man-

You know, I'm gonna take some of that popcorn now.

Whoa.

- This means war. - Hey!

When you say banned for life,

do you mean my life or your life?

Dang it.

I really liked this theater.

Plan C it is.

And the yellow?

People who think I'm Audrey Hepburn.

Well, the first layer is people

who think I'm Audrey Hepburn.

The second layer are people connected

to the first who think, well, might think so.

- This is a lot of lies. - I know.

Think I have enough yarn?

Not nearly.

Wait, 500,000 for the Meadows Complex?

We might be funding a new athletic center.

Reminds me, you weren't planning on using both your kidneys,

were you?

Mom, this is too much.

I know.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Me?

I said do one crazy thing.

One.

It is like potato chips.

You can't stop at one.

Well, I'll donate Kate's liver.

Why, you still think she's setting you up?

Something's going on with her.

Maybe she just wants you happy.

Maybe.

Purple?

People think my name is Toni Sayers.

I'm the only one that connects to.

Special bond of mother and daughter.

I adore when professor Michael speaks.

Don't be mean.

He's diagnosed with narcolepsy.

It's not his fault.

Well, we get to sleep through his talks.

It's only fair that he gets to, as well.

Oh, hey, Hugo!

Wait up! Kate, what are you doing?

Listen up.

Because I'm only going to admit this once

and you are clueless.

I like Hugo.

Like, like him, okay?

And I've been trying to get his attention all week.

And you've been blowing it.

- Come on. - No, no, no, serious face.

Believe me.

We are going to walk across campus together.

Oh, no.

And you are not going to cause a scene.

I repeat not. I'm not going-

Going to cause a scene

because you owe me this one.

Hmm?

- Fine. - Fine.

I think she bought it.

Well, they're not fighting.

So far so good.

Yeah.

You look cold.

Here, take this.

- No, thanks. - No, no, no.

I'm fine.

It's the kind of thing a guy would do for a lady he likes.

Right. Right.

Here.

Crap, it might be real.

I was afraid of that.

We gotta sell this, right?

Good point.

Hugo doesn't fall easy, but when he does.

Neither does Kate.

She has a general disdain for romance.

Hates my column.

Which makes her a good sounding board for it.

If we really wanna sell it.

Hugo loves your column.

You're kidding?

He's the reason I wrote mine.

Came out of our arguments.

Still haven't won him over.

The dude's favorite movie is The Notebook.

Kate said he was a hunter.

So?

People have been hunting since the dawn of time.

You don't think people with big hearts existed

before vegetarianism became a fad?

I'm just saying it doesn't fit the image.

Stereotype much?

I promised Kate we wouldn't fight.

How about we don't talk at all?

It's a deal.

Sure it won't hurt your romance when I

destroy Hugo's best friend tonight?

Ha, I was actually hoping the two of you

would end this whole debate thing by now.

Not in your life.

In a few hours, I get me some payback.

Getting ready for a sound check.

Please speak in the volume you plan on using tonight.

Crushing defeat volume.

Got it?

Hold on, Mick.

Something's up.

- We have to cancel. - What's going on?

My folks? They um.

His parents were in a car accident.

He's texting his brother right now.

Gosh, are they okay?

We don't, they were taken to the hospital.

Greg's been trying to get me...

We have to cancel. Daddy?

It's gonna be okay.

It's gonna be okay.

Daddy!

- I have a car. - Can I borrow it?

You're in no condition.

I'll drive.

- It's four hours away. - I said I'm driving.

Get him packed.

Make sure he has things like a phone,

a wallet, overnight stuff. Got it.

Tell Murrow, I'll get mom's car.

Okay, yeah, but we'll first, we'll just...

- Thanks. - No problem.

You sure you're gonna be okay?

Yeah, my brother will take me home.

Well, text me with any updates

and I'll see you back on campus.

I don't...

I mean...

That's what friends are for.

♪ When I'm in pieces ♪

♪ You find a way to put me back together ♪

♪ I kept it a secret ♪

♪ So nobody knew that I could be better ♪

♪ So will you hold on when I can't be strong ♪

♪ There's nothing left to do on my own ♪

♪ I'm holding my breath ♪

♪ I'm giving my best ♪

♪ But I can't do this without you ♪

Hey, any word?

- They're out of the woods. - Okay.

His dad's home already.

His mom comes home tomorrow.

Oh, thank God.

Noah's gonna stay there for another week,

help Greg out.

Notice how we pray a lot more when bad things happen?

Lewis's megaphone.

Except when I was angry at Noah, I stopped praying.

I didn't talk to God at all.

Why do you think that is?

Because I knew in my heart,

that God would tell me to just grow up.

♪ I need you beside me ♪

♪ I'm tired of fighting ♪

♪ I just want to be right where you are ♪

♪ 'Cause right now I'm drowning ♪

♪ I'm lucky you found me ♪

♪ You pick me up when my world falls apart ♪

- Mom? - Huh?

Tell me again how you met dad.

Oh, boy.

I was doing books for the company he worked for.

I had to go into the office

because he was missing receipts from a trip.

Now, hold on.

I thought you said you met dad at an office party.

No, the Christmas party

was when I realized that I was in love with your father.

I met him in his office.

I always thought this was a love at first sight thing.

Oh, heavens, no.

Your dad was so irritating when I met him.

He could not hold onto a receipt to save his life.

How?

How long did you know him before you guys fell in love?

It was about six months for me.

Well, he says it was love from day one for him,

which I doubt.

I was his nemesis.

Can't see you two as nemeses, nemosis

or whatever.

Well I dogged him so bad.

He claimed after the fact

that he was sloppy with the books

just to get me to see him all the time.

But it wasn't true?

Oh, he could not keep his checking account straight

after we were married, so no.

Can't see you two as opposites in anything.

Product of a selective memory, hun.

Think about it.

And I am sure you will remember

all kinds of ways that we did not align.

I thought you guys were in love.

We were,

just not the kind of love you're thinking about.

See, romance stories are just misleading

'cause they're all about how two people get together.

Okay, but isn't that what romance is?

I mean, Romeo sees Juliet across the room

and his heart is gone.

Ah, until the next week when he realizes

Juliet farts, snores and hogs the blankets.

I didn't realize you hated romance.

I love romance.

Just not that cotton candy kind.

Real romance is two people working on themselves,

on their relationship with each other,

on their relationship with God.

But love shouldn't be work.

But love is work.

A willingness to work.

God loves us, yeah? Duh.

Easy for Him?

Point taken.

We certainly don't make it easy.

Umm hmm.

So have you hated my column this whole time?

Oh, I adore your column.

Just thought it was naive. Hmm.

Almost as naive as Noah's responses.

Ah, which reminds me I need to continue

removing the detritus of my own naivete.

What you gonna do once that wall is cleaned up?

Make an appointment with my professor.

- Eh. - Hmm hmm.

Hey!

Hey.

So, you're back?

Apparently, I have a big debate to attend tomorrow.

Oh, of course.

Saw the video of your mom.

She's moving around real good.

Ready for the dance floor.

Got your likes.

Mom laughed at your comment.

It was stupid.

Good to see her laughing.

So I've been... Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

Listen.

Thank you for everything.

Oh, it's nothing.

Anyone would- No, listen.

Thank you, for everything.

You're welcome.

So that stupid promise to do one wild thing snowballed.

I have no idea why I kept it up.

Thank you for telling me.

You don't seem too surprised.

Oh, no.

I knew who you were all along.

That first day in the hall,

you showed me your form with the room number on it and-

And my name was on the form.

Your name was on the form.

And you didn't say anything because?

Well, I was a little confused

when you didn't answer the roll call,

but, uh, you were just so cute

when you told me you were Betty White.

I'm so embarrassed.

Wait, hold up.

You told people I was other people.

Oh yeah, that was fun.

Don't worry.

They were all all in on it.

Nobody thinks you're either Katherine or Audrey Hepburn.

Or Audrey Meadows.

No, the president does think you're the heir

to the Meadows fortune.

Oh, that's okay.

My daughter doesn't need her kidneys.

One more confession.

I haven't read any of your essays.

Oh, that cannot be quality instruction.

I sensed a chemistry between us,

wouldn't be right to grade you.

So I had Dr. Marcus grade all your essays.

Nobel of you.

He thinks you have potential.

He has taste.

Followed by two minutes of rebuttal.

And then we'll end with five minutes summations.

Good?

All right.

Micki?

Call it.

Heads.

Heads it is, your choice.

I go first.

Have a good debate.

Break a leg.

You, too.

Hey, before this turns into whatever,

you free Monday night?

Wow, that's a distraction tactic.

No, not a date.

Sorry, I found a copy of Bakshi's Lord of the Rings

and Gary, my friend over in media,

says the screening room is open on Monday.

Just for you, not me.

Not a date.

A chance for you to see it on the big screen.

'Cause I kind of ruined the last-

Nevermind.

This was stupid.

No, it's sweet.

Thank you.

Without further ado,

Mikayla Sayers and Noah Haynes.

Opening statements.

Sayers will begin.

Thank you, Dr. Murrow.

And thank you all for attending.

And thank you Noah for helping me change my mind

about what to do tonight.

Before I begin, I never apologized to Hugo.

What I did that day in the student center was mean

and uncalled for.

Please forgive me.

Tonight, we are here to debate romance.

We each hope to destroy the other

through our verbal gymnastics.

Two orators enter the ring,

only one gets out alive.

The entire idea of what we're doing here tonight

proves that we have no clue what we're talking about.

The very idea of love is, is not this.

Love is not about crushing the other.

It's not about bragging rights,

who's right or even who's best.

Tearing someone down, demanding a surrender,

that isn't love.

It's not about winning.

If there is winning and losing in love, then it isn't love.

So maybe we should stop looking for romance

and look for love instead.

Because love is about communication.

It's about listening more than talking.

Love is about the other.

Love is about what's best for all.

Love believes.

Love hopes.

So, here's my proposal.

Let's skip the debate.

Admit right now that it's pointless.

Instead, let's have a conversation,

starting with, I don't know,

starting with, here's what I hope,

starting with, what do you think?

So, what do you think?

Let's do it.

Okay, scary time.

Listening.

You all talk to us.

What is love?

She's serious.

Tell us what you're thinking.

What is love?

I mean, God, right?

Safe answer.

Let's go deeper.

My grandfather.

What about him?

He left everything to come to this country.

I mean, everything, just to give his family a better life.

Sacrifice, yeah, now, we're talking.

And that ties into your safe answer, right?

Love sacrifices.

What else have ya got?

Where you going?

They got this.

Our work here is done.

Oh, okay.

Well, what does that mean?

It means we don't have to pretend

to like each other anymore.

Thank you for your service.

Oh.

Oh.

Your kid is doing great.

You should really be proud.

Oh, I am, very much so.

Listen, all this talk of romance,

I feel like there's something I should clear up.

Oh, and just when our relationship

was starting to feel so normal.

Yeah, okay, um.

You said earlier something about chemistry between us

and I kind of let that slide.

The thing is, yes, there is this chemistry,

but I can't,

it has been a while since my husband died

and I am getting there, but I am just not there yet.

No, I'm sorry.

I should have been more clear.

I can't date you.

I'm your professor.

Ethics apply, even students who are closer to my own age.

Right, of course.

I just didn't wanna read too much into-

As long as you're in my class, well then-

No, message received.

Just do me one favor.

Of course.

Don't take my class next semester.

I can do that.

Hey, there.

Thanks for coming.

Good talk last night.

So much better than a debate.

Yeah, I thought so too.

And congratulations on the scholarship.

Prof Murrow called me this morning with the news.

Noah, I'm so sorry.

If I learned anything from our debate,

it's to be happy for you.

Thanks.

So? So.

Not at all awkward.

I'll start.

I'm hoping you asked to meet, to maybe talk about us?

Yeah, I'm not ready to dive back

into a boyfriend girlfriend thing.

I mean, there's still a lot I need to think about.

Right, no, me, too.

But I was hoping maybe we could start again

with a clean slate.

Can the clean slate begin with dinner?

It's like you read my mind.

You did ask to meet at the bistro

so it wasn't that far of a leap.

Oh, and just to clarify,

that quote from the day we met,

it's Silmarillion, I checked.

At least I was right that it was Tolkien.

You were right.

It was Tolkien from the start!

Hey, uh, nerds.

Go get your own table.

Yeah, we are so out of here.

Yeah, let's go.

They are such book geeks.

So now, where were we?

Favorite archers in literature,

left off with Katniss. Legolas.

No way.

You only thought of that because of the book nerds.

Uh, so? Your turn.

Clint Barton.

Do comics really count as literature?

Duh.

Just because you add art to the words

doesn't make the words any less literature.

Fine, Susan Pevensie.

Nerd.

Who?

What was his name again?

I can't remember.

♪ You told me I was special ♪

♪ Didn't mean it or whatever ♪

♪ I may have been sore ♪

♪ But I'm starting to feel better ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ I'm living up the dream ♪

♪ The sky's the limit and I got other responsibilities ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ It's time to do my thing ♪

♪ Raise my voice and sing ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm signing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ I don't need you no more, ever ♪

♪ Cruising in my own lane ♪

♪ Finally got it all together ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ I'm living up the dream ♪

♪ The sky's the limit and I got other responsibilities ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ It's time to do my thing ♪

♪ Raise my voice and sing ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ I try to save face ♪

♪ But you're not worth my second chances ♪

♪ So baby, you've been holding me for ransom ♪

♪ It's so much better alone with me, myself and I ♪

♪ So I'm gonna keep singing, bye, baby, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ I'm living up the dream ♪

♪ The sky's the limit and I've got other responsibilities ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ It's time to do my thing ♪

♪ Raise my voice and sing ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ Singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ I don't need you no more, ever ♪

♪ Cruising in my own lane ♪

♪ Finally got it all together ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ I'm living up the dream ♪

♪ The sky's the limit and I've got other responsibilities ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ It's time to do my thing ♪

♪ Raise my voice and sing ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ I try to save face ♪

♪ But you're not worth my second chances ♪

♪ So baby, you've been holding me for ransom ♪

♪ I'm so much better alone with me, myself and I ♪

♪ So I'm gonna keep singing, bye, baby, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ I'm living up the dream ♪

♪ The sky's the limit and I've got other responsibilities ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm doing me ♪

♪ It's time to do my thing ♪

♪ Raise my voice and sing ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Out of my sight and outta my mind ♪

♪ All those lies will get your some time, you'll see ♪

♪ I'm singing bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, baby, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪

♪ Bye, bye, bye ♪