Original subtitles

Previously...

I'm still kinda freaked out about my mission last night.

I actually thought that I was gonna die,

and it made me realize, the one thing

- that I'm missing in my life is Darien. - A manicure.

- Wait, what? Darien? - I still have feelings for him.

Then why are you telling me this? You should be telling him.

Wow, you really don't want anything to do with me, do you?

I can't help it, but I do.

I'm also scared.

Maybe we can take it slow.

I'm cool with that.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Okay, Darien, are you meant to be my boyfriend or not?

Give me a signal. Any signal.

I am ready to respond.

- What? - Nothing.

You were staring at me.

I was not staring at you.

I was staring at nothing.

No, I'm not saying you're nothing.

I mean, you're definitely something.

I'm just saying that I wasn't staring at you.

I was staring past you,

at the pinball machine.

There's so many... beautiful... colors.

Can I ask you a question?

Yeah. Oh, sure. Absolutely.

Whatever you ask me, I will probably say yes.

I once fell asleep in class,

and woke up in the middle of a chess club meeting.

Does that count as an extracurricular activity?

No, that counts as narcolepsy.

You might wanna see a doctor about that.

Why are you asking?

Trying to beef up my application to Morehouse College.

He doesn't have the grades for that,

and that's probably why this isn't gonna work out.

Wait, but if you think about it,

Morehouse, that's right next to where I wanna go to school.

Wait a minute, that's a signal.

Okay, Darien, look,

I get it.

You like me.

- Excuse me? - You're applying to go to Morehouse,

which is right next to the school I wanna go to, Spelman,

and you want us to be girlfriend and boyfriend,

and you're clearly afraid of long-distance relationships.

I mean, I'm not stupid.

Actually, I wanna go to Morehouse

because my father went there, and my grandfather,

and three of my uncles.

Okay, maybe I'm a little stupid.

What's going on with you, KC?

Sorry. I'm a little embarrassed.

I just thought that you were giving off signals

that you wanted to be a couple or something.

I'm really bad at this.

Maybe not as bad as you think.

Maybe we should give the dating thing another try.

I'm sorry, just to be clear,

when you say that you wanna give the dating thing another try,

you mean that we--

We should give the dating thing another try.

- Cool. - Cool.

I knew he wanted to be my boyfriend all along.

I don't know what I was worried about.

Who could say no to all of this?

♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪

♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪

♪ 'Cause ain't nobody keep their head so cool ♪

♪ I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire ♪

♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪

♪ I'm not perfect ♪

♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪

♪ But I, I, I, I keep it undercover ♪

♪ Livin' my life, on red alert ♪

♪ Doin' my thing, gonna make it work ♪

♪ Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless ♪

♪ But I always got your back ♪

♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪

♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪

♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪

♪ It's all part of the plan ♪

I keep it undercover.

I keep it undercover.

That idiotic, pea brain, good-for-nothing nincompoop.

Now what?

Mr. Vita failed me.

I got an F in creative writing.

Like his writing is any better.

It's so bad that it...

isn't good.

Wow, hard to believe you got an F.

Let me see your paper.

"There once was a man who died

because he was carbon based."

"The end."

There is nothing wrong with that.

It's 100% factual.

Yeah, but it's not fun, or creative.

Who needs to be creative?

Humans need to be creative to generate new ideas.

If someone hadn't said,

"What if I build a walking insult machine?"

you wouldn't even be here.

And you wouldn't be here if Agent Kira had just said,

"I scored with KC. Why don't I quit while I'm ahead?"

( knocking on door )

Oh, hello, Darnell.

It's Darien, Mr. Cooper.

Hey, same thing. Come on in.

Far enough.

I'm here to pick up KC for our date.

And you show up here in jeans and a T-shirt?

Haven't you ever heard of the expression "dress to impress"?

We're going to the baseball game.

Huh. In that case, cool duds.

Now look here.

I like you, son. I always have.

But if you break my daughter's heart one more time,

I will break you.

Mr. Cooper, actually, she was the one who broke my heart.

And you came back for more?

What's wrong with you, boy?

Get some self-respect and move on.

Okay, what Mr. Cooper's trying to say

is have a nice time.

But if KC's not home by 11:00, you'll be in jail by 12:00.

- You ever been in jail, boy? - I don't think he has.

Hey, Mom, Dad.

Hey, hey.

I do not need you to embarrass me in front of my date.

I can do that all on my own.

Yeah, let's go.

BOTH: So cute!

- Remember our first date? - Of course I do.

We took the train downtown, and I forgot my jacket.

I was a perfect gentleman and lent you mine.

We went to the arcade, and we played air hockey.

That's right.

And I whupped your butt.

That's wrong.

As I recall, I beat you.

Well, then, you're not recalling very well,

because the score was eight to three.

It was, only I had eight, and you had three.

Okay, this is silly,

because the point is, we had a great date.

It was. It was very great.

Especially because you were such a good sport when I beat you!

Ha! Now I know you're lying,

'cause I've never been a good sport in my life.

- These seats are pretty good, huh? - Yeah.

Want some popcorn?

Oh, I'm good. Nachos.

You know, this is nice.

Just the two of us, chillin'...

Hey, hey, I saw that, blue.

Listen, I've seen potatoes with better eyes.

The strike zone is chest to knees.

That's right, chest to knees.

Sorry. I get carried away.

Doesn't bother me.

CROWD: Kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss, kiss...

Sorry about that.

I just ruined our first kiss, didn't I?

Actually, you ruined our first kiss last year.

You just ruined our second first kiss.

BOTH: This date is not going as well as I thought it would.

Ugh! This creative writing assignment is impossible.

Okay, I'm gonna help you get in touch with your creative side

- by doing some improvisation. - What's that?

It's when you make up characters and scenes

right on the spot. Let's give it a shot.

You pretend you're a teacher,

and I'll pretend I'm a new student.

Hello. Are you my teacher?

No.

Judy, you have to say yes.

The number one rule in improv

is always to say "yes and..."

Now, let's try again.

Hello. Are you my teacher?

Yes and.

You can't just say "yes and."

You have to add words to it.

Hello. Are you my teacher?

Yes, and... are we done?

I can see we have more work to do.

Yes, and... I hate this.

Hey, Marisa, are you free to talk for a second?

I'm on a little break from my date.

Let me guess.

You just went to the ladies room to de-cheesify your face?

How do you know that?

They're playing your epic kissing fail on TV.

Now it's on the big screen.

( laughing ) It's in slow motion.

Are you serious?

Sorry, KC, I can barely hear you here

over all the laughter.

I'll have to call you later. Bye.

That's fine. I'm actually really busy right now.

I'm just dying from embarrassment.

You're not goin' anywhere.

Regina Honey, what are you doing here?

I was here watching the game, and I saw your cheesy mug

up on the big screen, and thought to myself,

this was the perfect time for revenge.

- My date-- - Is over.

Technically, it was over

with that sad, pathetic attempt at kissing.

You're already abducting me at laser point.

Do you really have to be so mean about it?

Go!

Okay, so what's your plan here?

All I know is, you ruined my life,

and now, I'm gonna ruin yours.

How did I do that?

By busting me.

I spent the last two years in prison because of you.

Sorry, but when you threaten to destroy the entire world,

that's kinda my job to stop you.

We're like peanut butter and jelly in that way.

Apart, two popular condiments.

Together, the number one sandwich

in school cafeterias across America.

And lunch every day in prison.

By the way,

I hate peanut butter and jelly.

( cell phone rings)

Okay, that's probably my date.

Can I just pick up and tell him I'm okay?

Sorry.

When you wanna do something,

kinda my job to stop you.

We're like peanut butter and jelly that way.

Right, peanut butter?

Okay, listen, if one of us is gonna be peanut butter,

it's definitely you, 'cause you're the one that's nuts.

MARISA: You have reached KC's phone.

This is Marisa's melodious voice

leaving the outgoing message, because KC's voice

is bland and monotonous. Leave a message.

KC: Marisa, what are you doing with my phone?

( beep )

Hey, it's me again.

Where are you?

I'm starting to get a little worried.

Call me.

Okay, Judy, you've got the hang of "yes and."

So let's try to build a full scene.

It may seem intimidating, but just remember,

say whatever pops in your head.

You're a mouth breather.

Okay, not that.

I haven't even given you a suggestion yet.

Let's try an easy one.

You be a doctor, and I'll be a patient.

Doc, I think there's something wrong with me.

Yeah. It's your brain.

I'm diagnosing you with a severe case of stupidity.

You know, Judy,

name calling is very unprofessional for a doctor.

New scene. We'll both be firefighters.

Whoa, this fire's getting big.

Yeah, you shouldn't have lit it.

But it's not your fault,

because you were recently diagnosed with a severe case of stupidity.

Can we please move away from that?

This is a different scene.

Now help me put out this fire.

And be creative.

Was that creative enough for you?

Okay, come on, what's your plan?

I don't know.

I mean, it's not like I thought this thing through.

Really? 'Cause I figured that two hours ago.

It's not like I have anywhere to go anyway.

Darien probably hates me, because he thinks

I walked out on him and don't like him anymore.

I cannot believe this is happening again.

What do you mean, again?

Darien and I used to date.

Everything was great, like, really, really great,

and then, spying got in the way,

and I had to break up with him.

Then I got a second chance with him,

and I promised myself that I would not break his heart,

but here I am, doing the same thing all over again.

( sighs )

I don't know why I'm telling you.

It's not like you would understand or even care.

Are you crying?

No.

Maybe a little.

Okay, 'cause I was thinking about kicking my way out of this,

but, uh, I can't really kick you if you're crying.

His name was Joey Damico.

We started seeing each other when we were about your age.

He was so sweet and cute,

and he was the first boy in my grade who had to shave every day.

And he breathed through his mouth like a little puppy.

So what happened?

I don't know.

I guess I fell in with the wrong crowd,

and started committing petty larcenies,

and light racketeering,

toppling a few foreign governments.

You know, the uzhe.

Joey didn't want any part of that.

He moved on.

I let my job get in the way of love.

Uh... I'm not really complaining,

but what are you doing?

Go. Be with Joey.

Uh... Darien. Whatever his name is.

Okay.

I just hope he's still there waiting for me.

Um, thank you, by the way.

Oh, I'm too late.

Although in retrospect, the empty parking lot

should've been the first tip-off.

Craig, what's that?

The truth!

We are gonna settle the score

right here, right now.

Okay, let me get this straight.

You're so cheap, you won't buy name-brand soda,

but you'll buy an air hockey table to settle a dispute?

Because I'm tired of drinking 6-Up and Mountain Don't.

It's on.

Oh, baby.

Oh, baby, that's right.

- Are you ready, Craig? - Show me what you got.

BOTH: Show me what you got.

Come on, Craig. What's happening?

( chattering indistinctly )

Whoo!

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. Come on, Craig, let's go.

- Ha ha. - You ready? - Yeah, I'm ready.

Uh-uh, uh-uh.

Ooh! Ooh! Watch out.

All right, Craig. Next goal wins.

- Are ya ready? - I'm ready.

I don't think you're ready.

I beat ya!

In your face!

I beat you like I beat you 20 years ago.

Ha ha! Now admit it, Craig. Say I beat you.

Yeah, you beat me.

( laughing )

Yeah, thank you very much.

Because I let you win.

- No, you didn't. - Yes, I did. Best two out of three?

Okay, it's on like Donkey Kong.

And as I recall, I beat you at that as well.

You never beat me at no Donkey Kong.

- Come on! - Let's go.

Marisa, it's over.

Okay? I broke his heart again,

- and he hates me. - Ow!

Snap out of it, KC.

I'm not gonna let you give up this easily.

All you have to do is come up with a good reason for why you left.

Marisa, I tried, okay, and nothing sounds believable.

All good lies are based in truth,

so let's start with that. You got up because...

I went to the ladies room.

And that is where you say you were.

For six hours?

That is disgusting.

Exactly. Nobody asks follow-up questions

when the story is that gross.

Wait, what are you guys talking about?

We're trying to come up with a good cover story

for why KC left Darien on their date.

Okay, Judy, you ready?

I am ready.

Two people at a ballgame,

and one of them disappears. What happened?

You were at the baseball game,

and you went to the restroom to fix your hair.

While inside, there was an earthquake

that caused a pillar to fall down,

trapping you inside the bathroom.

So why didn't Darien feel this earthquake?

Because it was a micro quake.

Barely registered on the Richter scale,

but it was strong enough to open up a sinkhole

right under the bathroom sink.

And why wasn't this on the news?

Because the stadium made sure of it.

Oswald Moneypenny, the new owner,

was over-leveraged with this real estate purchase,

and called the publisher of the newspaper, his cousin...

Larrabee Moneypenny.

Yes, and Larrabee Moneypenny, who covered it up,

because his cousin Oswald had dirt on him

from something that happened to them when they were teenagers

on a fishing expedition that I will not go into.

Boom.

Improv.

Well, I guess it's better than saying I was on the toilet for six hours.

So that's why you didn't hear about the earthquake

on the news, because

Mr. Moneypenny... remember him...

he called his cousin,

and I'm not really at liberty to say

what happened on that fishing expedition,

but, uh, suffice to say,

three went out, two came back.

Yeah, how dumb do you think I am?

Okay, fine.

I was constipated for six hours,

and I shouldn't have eaten all that cheese.

KC, stop, all right?

I know exactly where you disappeared to.

- You do? - Yeah.

It's 'cause I tried to kiss you.

What?

I was the one who said we should go slow,

and I went too fast.

Guess I got caught up by the whole Kiss Cam thing.

But that's no excuse. I never should've done that.

'Cause I don't even know if this is right.

Oh, thank goodness.

Wait, excuse me.

I am so glad you said that,

because, well, honestly,

I was feeling that way, too.

This is not right, Darien,

and I don't know, I just didn't say anything,

because last time, I'm the one who disappointed you.

Honestly, I just think we're better off as...

BOTH: Friends.

Yeah.

- We cool? - Yeah, we're cool.

Uh, maybe we should...

There we go.

You know what? Sometimes, things don't work out.

But sometimes, they do.

( knocking on door )

Regina.

It's me, Joey Damico.

Joey!

What are you doing here?

I came over because...

after all these years, I realized

I still love you.

Really? Wait.

How did you find me?

Some girl contacted me and gave me your address.

Said something about peanut butter and jelly.

Anyway, I thought I'd come over

and ask you if you, you know,

you wanna grab some coffee and, uh, talk about things.

I'd love that.

Thanks, peanut butter.