Original subtitles

Hey, you wanted to speak with us, Agent Johnson?

KC, I'm sending you to Switzerland tomorrow

to attend the International Conference of Young Espionage Agents.

No way. What an honor.

That's...

Only the best of the best agents get to go to that conference.

- Thank you. - You've earned it, KC.

So what time should we be at the airport?

Oh...

Okay, what time should I drop KC off at the airport?

Don't be ridiculous, Ernie.

- So I am going? - No.

I meant we have a car service for KC,

but I figured, why rub your nose in it?

Ooh, is it one of those fancy stretch limos?

Of course not, KC.

We're on a budget.

Enough is enough!

I should be going.

I'm tired of being overlooked.

I'm just as good as KC.

When's it gonna be my time?

If you're referring to shower time,

that would've been this morning, and every morning.

Relax, Ernie.

You'll be hosting

a group of young international agents,

training them in our latest computer innovations and gadgets.

So just to clarify,

I'm in charge of training this team?

- Yes. - And not to nitpick,

but my team will be made up of actual real people,

not like the time I was in charge of cleaning up

- after that dog sled team? - Yes.

And how many of these agents will be single ladies?

Ernie, don't make me take this away from you.

♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪

♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪

♪ 'Cause ain't nobody keep their head so cool ♪

♪ I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire ♪

♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪

♪ I'm not perfect ♪

♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪

♪ But I, I, I, I keep it undercover ♪

♪ Livin' my life, on red alert ♪

♪ Doin' my thing, gonna make it work ♪

♪ Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless ♪

♪ But I always got your back ♪

♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪

♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪

♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪

♪ It's all part of the plan ♪

I keep it undercover.

I keep it undercover.

Welcome, everybody.

I'm Agent Ernie Cooper,

and I'm honored to be your team leader.

I could not be more thrilled to further your training

in the art of espionage.

Now, it is a tradition in my country

to open with a joke, so here we go.

Why are there no knock-knock jokes about America?

Because freedom rings.

Okay, not hilarious, but come on.

You can at least crack a smile for me.

Don't worry, it's not your barely mediocre sense of humor, Ernie.

They just don't speak your language.

C'est agréable d'être ici, mais je ne comprends pas ce que vous dites.

Baegopa. Meog-eul geiss-eo?

Hola. Me llama Lecia de Mexico.

El vuelo aquí tenia con baches,

así que no nos dejaron levantarnos por siete horas.

This is probably a good time

to mention that I don't speak Spanish,

or any other language.

Howard, can we get some kids

from Australia, England, and Canada?

Don't worry. Once my TUNG is in your ear,

we'll all understand each other.

Understand this, Howard. That ain't gonna happen.

No, I'm talking about

my Translation Understanding Neuro Gadget.

AKA the TUNG.

Well, in that case, what are you waiting for, Howard?

TUNG me.

( devices beeping )

Hello, Ernie. It is a pleasure to make your acquaintance.

It's so great to be in your nation's capital.

That's better.

Now what were you trying to say in Spanish before?

Show me where your bathroom is before you have to show me

where your mop is.

Well, I'd say we're off to a pretty good start.

Once the IP address is re-set, you're golden.

And that, ladies and gentlemen,

is how you penetrate a firewall

without getting burned.

Did you not understand Ernie's wordplay,

or is your translator broken?

My translator's fine.

It's the joke that's broken.

Or your sense of humor.

Anyhoo...

Howard's now gonna demonstrate

some of our new field gear.

Now, you may think that

this is a normal set of pens,

but you'd be makin' a dilly of a whoopsie.

Dagger.

Laser.

Finally, climbing spikes.

Okay, who wants to climb?

Uh...

Go ahead, Amelie.

No, thanks. I'm good. Lecia, go for it.

That's okay. I'll just sit here.

Seriously? No one wants to try?

Even I could do this.

Come on, guys.

This stuff could come in handy on your next field mission.

Oh, I don't go on field missions.

I never leave the van.

Really? What about you, Amelie?

I also never leave the van.

- I don't stay in the van. - Great.

I stay on a bike.

You mean a bike like, vroom, vroom?

No. A bike.

Like, ding-a-ling.

Vans are scary.

You mean you guys are all van people?

Not me, as I mentioned.

Ding-a-ling.

Yeah, I get it.

- I'm in charge of Team Ding-A-Ling. - ( device rings )

Hey, what's up, bro?

This conference is so dope.

I'm with the coolest agents.

We literally just jumped out of a plane with skis on,

landed on a mountain, skied down the mountain,

to a cabin, and saved eight hostages.

Yes, but where was the van?

Uh, who's that?

We saved nine hostages, and that was one of them.

Things are just as awesome here as they are there.

If you don't think so, you'd be makin' a dilly of a whoopsie. Gotta go! Bye.

Can you believe KC's in James Bond fantasy camp,

and we're with the van people?

I know, right?

We're with the van people!

Van, van.

ALL: Van, van, van, van, van, van, van, van!

( chanting continues )

Morning, agents.

I have brought you all a traditional American meal.

Breakfast burritos. They're scrum-diddly-umcious.

You know, Ernie, in my country,

if you're wearing pajamas past 10:00 a.m.,

it means you died in your sleep.

What's wrong, Ernie?

Look. I am a walrus.

It is true. The pencils resemble tusks,

making you look like a walrus.

Lecia, look at Jin.

Where is Jin?

I only see a walrus.

- I love America! - ( making walrus noises )

That's what's wrong.

That's my team.

I'm so disappointed.

I thought this was gonna be my big shot to prove myself.

The only thing it proves is how little faith

the Organization has in me.

Good morning, agents.

I have a very important mission for you.

You do? I mean, of course you do.

Why wouldn't you? You have total faith in me.

- But you just-- - Eat your breakfast.

You were saying something about an important mission, sir?

We've received intel that the website Buzziebuzz

is using clickbait quizzes to build psychological profiles

on the youth population.

So what do you need us to do?

You're gonna sit in the van, and observe and report.

And then?

Observe and report some more.

- And then? - Observe and report!

Johnson out.

Okay, okay.

Okay, team.

It may sound like he just wants us to observe and report,

but still, a game changer.

A chance to prove ourselves.

We have a mission.

Everyone, to the van!

Van, van, van, van...

Bike, bike, bike, bike...

All right, fine.

Van, van, van, van, van, van, van, van!

( chanting continues )

Now, the key to observing and reporting

is you don't report until you've observed.

Jin, what's in your hand?

Nothing.

What's in your hand?

Nothing!

Show me your hand, walrus.

Come on, pay attention, people.

Let's review.

Lecia, if you see your mark leaving, what do you do?

If your mark is leaving, the first thing is don't panic.

The second thing is... para informar a su supervisor

y pregunte si debe cola a una distancia segura

o permanece donde estás.

Howard, I think there's something wrong with your TUNG device.

Trust me, it's fine.

Il fait très chaud ici.

Est-il possible que nous puissions ouvrir une fenêtre?

Okay, maybe it's on the fritz.

Great.

How am I supposed to lead this rag-tag team to greatness

if I can't understand anything anyone's saying?

Howard, fix it.

Listen.

There is a nice way to ask me to do that,

and then, there's the way you just did.

Or, let me put it in a way you'll understand.

I just observed you acting like a butt.

And now I will report it to you.

Ernie, you're a butt!

You take that back. Take that back right now!

( all yelling at once )

Quiet! Silencio! Sh!

Where's Lecia?

I don't know.

Lecia est dans les bureaux Buzziebuzz.

I don't speak French.

Lecia est dans les bureaux Buzziebuzz!

ERNIE: What is she doing in Buzziebuzz?

If they spot her in there, she'll blow our cover.

Are you sure they can't understand us?

- Yes. - Good.

You knuckleheads stay here.

Howard, let's go.

Ernie, psst. Look over there.

Is it Lecia?

No. They have a rug made out of fake grass.

What are they gonna think of next?

Who cares about the rug?

We have to find Lecia.

There she is.

Lecia.

Son muy tacaños con el mango aquí.

Lecia, what are you doing?

This is not observing and reporting.

This is drinking juice and trespassing.

You could blow our cover.

Forget it. Let's go.

Brady!

Ernie, we should get back to the van,

and report that Brady's here.

No, we should follow him and see what he's doing.

We know what he's doing.

He's zipping around the halls.

What we don't know is what Jin is doing.

I think we both know what Jin is doing.

Walrus Jin, Walrus Jin, Walrus Jin!

I'm the leader, and we're gonna find out what Brady's doing here.

Come on.

Quick, Howard, I need one of your high-tech gadgets

to hear what's going on.

I could've done that.

And yet, you didn't.

BRADY: We gathered enough information to begin the process

of brainwashing our teenage audience.

Before you know it, they'll do anything we want.

The Alternate will reign supreme.

Buzziebuzz isn't just a website.

It's a front for the Alternate.

I knew those clickbait quizzes were annoying.

Didn't know they were evil, too.

Come on, we have to get back to the van now.

There you guys are. What is going on?

How are you speaking English again?

I reprogrammed our devices.

Let me fix yours, Lecia.

Oh, thank you.

Why'd you take my mango juice? I wasn't done with it.

Don't hit me. I bruise like a peach.

Nobody's hitting anybody.

Guys, we just found out Buzziebuzz is a front

for the Alternate,

and they're about to brainwash kids all over the world.

Isn't this great?

We observed, and now we have great info to report.

No. We're not reporting anything.

We're taking action.

We're going back in, downloading their data,

and destroying their mainframe.

But that's not our mission.

Besides, we cannot handle that.

We're just the van people.

Guys, listen to me.

I believe in us.

We're not just van people.

There's a reason you were all picked for this program.

We are not very good at our jobs?

They didn't have anywhere else to send us?

I won the office raffle!

No. The reason is because we're all good at something,

and we can learn from each other.

Amelie, what's your specialty?

I am an expert coder.

Great. So you can create the virus

that will destroy their mainframe.

- Lecia, what can you do? - I can hack.

So you can get past the mainframe's firewalls,

and upload the virus.

And you, Jin. What are you good at?

I am an architectural engineer.

Now all of the pencils make sense.

And you can read the building's schematics,

and lead us to the mainframe.

I don't know about this, Ernie.

Well, I do.

All around the world,

they make fun of the van guys.

We may not be impressive on our own,

but together, we make one good agent.

Starting today, we will no longer be

the butt of their jokes.

We're gonna show them that us jokes

are better than they think.

Ernie's right.

I am a joke.

- I am a joke. - We're all jokes.

And Ernie is the biggest joke of us all.

No, no, no, no.

That's not what I...

Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke!

( chanting continues )

Okay, guys, Lecia and I are in. Where's Howard?

I'm in position.

But don't call me Howard. Use my code name.

Huggy Bear.

Howard, I am not calling you Huggy Bear.

Now let's get ready.

It's time to bake the biscuits.

Time to wrap the tamales.

Time to make the crepe batter.

Time to ferment the kimchi.

Okay, Jin, where do we go?

According to the schematic,

you should take the stairwell to the fourth floor.

And the third door on the right

is where you'll find the mainframe.

Got it. Let's move.

The door's locked. You're up, Howard.

( clears throat )

Fine. You're up, Huggy Bear.

We're in. Amelie, Lecia, you're up.

Okay, let me know when you get past the firewall,

and I'll remotely upload the virus.

Okay, I'm in.

AMELIE: I'm receiving the data.

It will take a few minutes to upload the virus.

Howard, keep an eye out, and let me know if someone is coming.

Someone's coming.

Exactly. When someone comes, you say that.

Someone's coming.

Right. When you see someone,

that's exactly what you say.

Someone's here.

Brady.

Hello, Ernie.

Hello...

Trey Appleton Junior?!

Actually, the name is Huggy Bear.

Howard. I'm Howard.

What are you guys doing here?

I know what you're up to, Brady.

You don't know what you're talking about.

Hold them off. The information is still downloading.

You'd think for a fancy website company,

they'd have better Wi-Fi.

Ernie, you need to listen to me.

You're making a big mistake.

Big mistake. I bet that's what the doctor said

when you were born.

Ernie, I'm telling you to back down.

Too late.

I'm serving biscuits with a two-piece.

Sorry. Not sorry.

- Huh? - Made you look!

Ernie, stop.

Ernie. Ernie.

There's something I have to tell you.

Tell it to my size tens.

Ernie, use the pens.

Wait, Ernie, Ernie, no, no, no.

The virus is uploaded.

The system is now corrupt.

BOTH: Yes!

We did it, guys. We did it!

Ernie, congratulations!

Mission accomplished.

( sighs )

I never thought I'd hear those words.

- Let me just take it in and enjoy this moment. - ( alarm blares )

COMPUTER VOICE: Security breached.

Okay, moment's over. Let's go.

Good afternoon, Agent Johnson.

Ernie Cooper's van team reporting.

I don't remember saying you had to come in.

Couldn't you just email me?

Well, it's kinda hard to send an enemy agent

as an attachment.

Wait a minute. Is that--

ERNIE: In the flesh.

I know you just told us to observe and report.

But that was a real snooze-a-roony.

Long story short, we found Brady,

and brought him in.

Even though it wasn't part of your mission.

That's correct, sir.

So you wanna start

the promotion ceremony now or...

No, actually,

I'm gonna yell at you like I've never yelled at you before.

Wait, what? Why?

We turned Brady.

He was working for us as a double agent.

I was the inside guy, Ernie.

At least until you dragged me outside.

He was giving us important intel about the Alternate.

Tried to tell him, boss. He just wouldn't listen.

Sir, I, uh...

I didn't realize.

I mean...

Sorry.

Come on, Brady. We need to figure out

a way to get you back in.

I'll deal with you later.

Who am I kidding?

I'm no leader.

I guess, once a van guy,

always a van guy.

Hey, forget Johnson.

You are a leader.

This was the best mission I've ever been on.

Yes. Because of you,

I feel like I can be a better agent.

And you made me believe in myself.

In fact, I'm going to apply to be a field agent.

Thanks to you, I know I can do it.

You really have inspired us all

to be the best that we can be.

You know what?

It's true.

So what if we defied orders,

and ruined an important

double-agent intelligence-gathering mission?

The important thing is,

we ruined it as a team!

Today, I, Ernie Cooper,

am proud to say,

I am a van person!

Van, van, van, van, van, van, van, van,

van, van, van, van, van, van, van, van!

Rob, your name's on TV.