Original subtitles

And that is why I always carry a backup, backup lip gloss.

KC, you've been listening?

Oh, yeah, sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm just still kind of freaked out

about my mission last night.

I mean, I actually thought that I was going to die,

and it made me realize the one thing I'm missing in my life

-is Darien. -A manicure!

Darien. Wait, what, Darien?

Yeah, I mean, I still have feelings for him.

What? Then why are you telling me this?

You should be telling him.

You know what, you're right.

You're right.

I have wasted way too much time.

I'm gonna go tell him right now.

-Good. He's right there. -He's right there.

-The love of your life! -The love of my life!

-You're gonna make it happen! -Make it happen!

-Pineapple. -Pineapple.

I feel like you're just stalling by repeating what I say.

I feel like I'm just stalling by repeating what you say.

He is leaving. Go!

Okay, okay. Okay!

Hey!

Darien.

What's up? It's been a while since we talked, you know?

Probably because you told me you didn't want to talk to me anymore...

while I was laying in a hospital bed...

with broken ribs, then a broken heart.

Oh, look at us.

Reminiscing about old times.

So, uh, you wanna, like, hang out Friday, maybe?

(scoffs) KC, you do know I have a girlfriend, right?

Guh, yeah.

(scoffs) Duh, I know you have a girlfriend.

Uh, you know, I didn't mean, like, you and me.

That's weird. More of, like, a group thing,

you know, like you, your girlfriend and...

me and my boyfriend.

You have a boyfriend?

Psh, yuh!

His name is...

T-Trey Appleton Jr.

Okay, yeah, sure. Why not?

(chuckles)

So, how'd it go?

Great! Yeah, no, really great.

We have a date this Friday, a double date.

That's amazing! Who are you guys going with?

His girlfriend... and my boyfriend.

-You don't have a boy-- -I know that.

Okay.

♪ Oh, when danger comes for you ♪

♪ You know I'll stand beside you ♪

♪ 'Cause ain't nobody keep their head so cool ♪

♪ I'll always find a way, a way out of the fire ♪

♪ Don't tell nobody, tell nobody ♪

♪ I'm not perfect ♪

♪ So many things I wanna tell you ♪

♪ But I, I, I, I keep it undercover ♪

♪ Livin' my life, on red alert ♪

♪ Doin' my thing, gonna make it work ♪

♪ Know I'm the realest, baby, I'm fearless ♪

♪ But I always got your back ♪

♪ Nobody can do it like I can ♪

♪ I gotta find out who I am ♪

♪ Ain't got to worry about me ♪

♪ It's all part of the plan ♪

I keep it undercover.

I keep it undercover.

-(doorbell rings) -Judy, get the door.

-Why me? -Because you're a machine

and a child. Double whammy. Get the door.

What comic book hero are you, Super Loser?

The school talent show is this week,

and I'm gonna show off...

my magic skills!

And I want you to be my assistant!

Aw, how flattering!

No.

Fin-nin-nin-nin-nin! Fin-nin-nin-nin-nin!

What are you doing?

I'm telepathically changing your mind so you'll agree.

Fin-nin-nin-nin-nin!

Well, guess what?

We're fin-nin-nin-nin-ished here.

You know, fine! Who needs you!

I'll ask someone else to be my assistant.

Judy, you weren't very nice to Petey.

Now, go and apologize and tell him you're gonna be his assistant.

-Why should I? -Because I'm your mother

and your superior officer.

Boom! Double whammy. Got you again.

What's with the dress, and are you wearing lipstick?

How did you know that? You didn't even turn around.

Honey, I'm your mom. I know everything.

So, what are you all dressed up for?

Can't a girl just get all pretty 'cause she feels like it?

Mm-hmm. What's his name?

Darien.

Interesting!

He has the same name

as the boy I said you can't date.

-It's different now. -How?

Abby, Erica, and Richard are all behind bars,

so nobody's out to get him...

except for me.

Look, Mom, I really like him, okay,

and I'm a girl, okay?

I'm not just a spy, and at some point

I'm gonna have a boyfriend whether you or the organization

or the entire world want me to or not.

KC, as your ranking officer,

I'm saying you absolutely cannot do this.

But as your mom I'm saying go get 'em, baby!

Hey, KC, this is my girlfriend, Bianca.

-Nice to meet you. -You too!

Sorry we're late. Totally my fault.

The blood drive I was running ran overtime

because there were so many donors.

I broke a new record!

And then on the way here someone had car trouble,

so I pushed them to the nearest gas station.

My little do-gooder. Isn't she perfect?

Yeah! Yeah, she sure is.

Um, speaking of perfect, this is my man--

Trey Appleton Jr.!

I can't tell you how happy I am to finally

meet the guy who couldn't hold on to my gal's heart.

Well, your loss is Trey Appleton Jr.'s gain!

Am I right, pumpkin?

(giggles cheerlessly)

Anyway, how 'bout you guys get your shoes on

and we'll start bowling.

Okay.

Hey, Trey, I never see you around school.

That's because he doesn't go to Hamilton.

-He goes to, um-- -American University.

Yeah, that's right, KC's dating a college man!

I know,quelle scandal!

Anyway.

Why don't we, uh, break into teams?

Maybe we should make it interesting and, like, mix up the couples.

Love it! Let's do boys versus girls.

Oh, actually, I was thinking--

Boys versus girls it is!

You're lucky, Darien.

This one can't bowl for beans!

Last time we went,

she took a toddler out five lanes over.

That's so funny!

I started a fundraising campaign

for victims of athletic injuries.

Oh, of course you did!

Didn't I tell you Bianca was the best?

Yeah, well, I don't know.

May be a tie.

This one can't keep his hands off of me, can he?

The whole thing was awkward and just horrible,

and the worst part is Bianca might be the nicest girl

I have ever met in my entire life.

I've gotta get rid of her.

Uh, okay, KC, I realize that is acceptable in the spy world,

but here on Planet Normal People that will get you 15 to life.

Marisa, I don't mean "get rid of her" get rid of her.

I mean... you know...

get them to break up!

Me-ow!

No, I mean, look.

Darien and I are destined to be together, right?

So, if you think about it, really what I'm doing

is saving her heartache in the future

by making this "meant to be" be right now.

(chuckles) All right, sold. So, what's the plan?

All we have to do is find someone new for Bianca,

you know, someone who's totally amazing and totally available.

Has anyone seen my foot fungus cream?

Or my pimple cream?

Or my butt rash cream?

I guess what I'm asking is has anyone seen my cream box?

Well, he may not be amazing, but he is available.

Tah-dah!

What's that?

A magician's box!

You grab that saw and split me in half.

I'm afraid I'll hurt you.

You're the Great Pete-dini.

I'm sure you can do it.

Well, I'll try.

Fin-nin-nin-nin-nin!

I did it! I really can do magic!

I am the Great Pete-dini!

And I am the Great Ju-dini!

Yeah, no one cares about the assistant.

The assistant does!

Besides, you're nothing without me.

You know what? I don't like your attitude.

(grunts)

Probably should've insulted him after he put me back together.

Yeah, there's just one little wrinkle

in the whole put-Ernie- and-the-perfect-Bianca- together plan,

and that wrinkle would be Ernie.

You're right. You're right, there's no way

he's gonna steal the quarterback's girlfriend.

Yeah, he would have to save her life

in a daring feat of heroism.

What? I read a lot of romance novels.

Okay, I look at the covers.

You may be on to something.

Who wouldn't fall for their knight in shining armor?

We can work with this. We can work with this.

How are we gonna get Ernie to save Bianca's life?

(gasps) Oh, I know!

Oh, heavens!

There was an odorless, tasteless element to this pizza,

and now I fear my life is in great... peril.

ERNIE: Don't worry, Bianca, I'll save you!

I've got the antidote!

(grunts)

Well, Ihad the antidote.

What else you got?

Hmm, how about...

Help! Help! I'm tied up, and if that wasn't bad enough,

I'm at the edge of the roof!

ERNIE: Don't worry, Bianca, I'll save you!

(screams, scream fades)

Sorry, Bianca! I'll pray for you!

Okay. Um. There are no bad ideas,

but that one is pretty close.

Fine. How about...

BIANCA: Help! I didn't notice this well

while I was carrying my macaroni and cheese to the table,

and now I've fallen into it!

ERNIE: Don't worry, Bianca, I'll save you!

Aah!

Ow!

ERNIE: Help! Help us! We've fallen in the well!

Ooh, you gonna finish that mac and cheese?

Um, you know, there are just a few problems with that scenario,

one being that there is no well in the middle of the cafeteria.

Fine, Shoot-Down Sally.

You got a better idea to put 'em together?

You know what, actually, I do.

No, no, no, no, no.

I am not going to embarrass myself

by trying to steal the quarterback's girlfriend.

Come on, Ernie, have a little faith in yourself.

I have total faith that I do not measure up to Darien.

That guy is fun and studly and athletic...

Heck, even I'd go out with him before I'd go out with me.

Do not forget, okay, you are a total catch.

All you need is a little bit of confidence, right?

And stay hydrated. Here, drink this.

That tastes weird. What is it?

It's confidence serum.

Howard's been working on it.

It's to help new agents in the field.

It gives you a temporary boost of confidence...

and a couple days of diarrhea, but you know what,

we'll deal with that later. Here you go.

Hey, Petey, sorry I'm late. I was...

Diane! What are you doing here?

What does it look like?

I'm here to practice our magic routine.

Don't you mean our magic routine?

(scoffs)

Pete-dini, work your magic

and make this one disappear,

starting with her big mouth.

I think all those sequins are cutting off

the circulation to your brain.

Tell her who your assistant is, Petey.

Judy, there's no easy way to say this.

You're out, she's in.

Hey, I guess there is an easy way to say it.

You're kicking me out of our magic act?

Yeah, I'm about that life.

Your negativity was just bringing me down!

Fine. Who needs you?

As far as I'm concerned, you can stick it

in your fin-nin-nin-nin-nin!

Hello, there.

-What's your name? -Bianca.

Well, I'm gonna call you Booger,

because, baby, I pick you.

-Ernest. -I'm not touching that!

What's wrong? Did you hit your head

when you fell out of heaven?

Because, baby, you're an angel.

Yeah, I got the implication.

Look, if you want a girl to like you,

you can't just spout out lame pickup lines.

And besides, I'm already seeing someone.

Why didn't you say so?

Well, hello, there.

Is your name Wi-Fi?

Because, baby, I am feeling the connection.

Uh-oh. Now I'm feeling the diarrhea.

At least he wasn't in a well when it happened.

Look, KC, we tried, but I don't see

anyone coming in between Bianca and Darien.

Bianca!

Hey, Trey!

Oh, no! Trey Appleton Jr. is cheating on you!

I'm sorry.

So, what did you do last night?

I was just at home all alone, catching up on my reality TV.

Guilty pleasures.

I saw you with Bianca.

Uh, fine. The truth is

when we went on our double date,

you spent so much time talking to Darien

that Bianca and I got to know each other.

Long story short, we're soulmates

who have been secretly dating ever since.

What, are you telling me Bianca is cheating on Darien?

I guess he just doesn't fulfill her the way Trey Appleton does!

Great, well, now I need to tell Darien the truth

before he gets hurt again.

And you know what, Howard, you do realize

that she doesn't like you, she likes Trey Appleton Jr.,

somebody who doesn't actually exist?

Every relationship has issues, KC.

Behold, the Great Pete-dini

will now pull a live rabbit out of his hat.

Fin-nin-nin-nin-nin!

Ew. Poor Mr. Fluffy.

Uh, moving right along.

I will now saw Diane in half!

I can't let him go through with this.

He could seriously hurt her.

Wait! You can't do this.

Judy, stop trying to ruin my act 'cause you're jealous!

I'm not jealous. It's just that--

Okay, I am jealous.

Petey, you're my best friend.

I wanna be your assistant.

I wanna be sawed in half.

If that's okay with Diane.

Are you kidding me? That was my rabbit!

I'm not letting him near me with that saw.

Diane, there's no easy way to say this.

(cheering, laughing)

Hey, uh, Darien, can I talk to you for a second?

(muffled) Not a good time.

Uh, yeah, I can't really understand you

with the fries in your mouth,

so I'm just gonna assume you said, "Sure, let's talk."

Look, I really need to talk to you about some stuff.

KC, stop. You and I are not together.

We're not even really friends.

I don't need to know anything, right?

Trey's not my boyfriend.

I pretended that he was

because I wanted to hang out with you,

and you said that you had a girlfriend,

so then I said I had a boyfriend.

And the next thing you know we're having

the most awkward double date in the whole world,

and, at least, I know it was for me,

because I still like you.

KC, I should probably tell you that--

No-- Let me finish, okay?

The worst part is Trey and Bianca...

they're cheating on us.

Well, I mean...

technically Bianca's cheating on you

because I'm not really with Trey, but that's not the point.

The point is it's my fault because I introduced them,

and now once again I hurt you,

and you probably hate my guts

because you're probably heartbroken.

(hissing laughter)

Okay, you cry funny.

KC, I've gotta tell you something.

Bianca is my cousin.

Ew, you're dating your cousin?

No. No, of course not.

She was pretending to be my girlfriend.

Ew, that's still gross.

When you told me you wanted to hang out again,

I guess I panicked.

The last time, KC...

you really hurt me,

so I just said I was with someone else.

Wow, I cannot believe you lied to me about Bianca.

Really, KC? Really?

Okay, I forgive you.

I'm sorry about the Trey thing.

Well, in retrospect, I guess it makes sense.

But he didn't really seem like your type.

That's 'cause he's not, but you are.

Okay, so you really don't want to have anything to do with me, do you?

(sighs) That's the problem.

I can't help it, but I do.

But I'm also scared.

So maybe we can take it slow,

like,real slow.

Like, maybe we can just try being friends,

and then we'll see how that goes. Hmm?

All right, yeah, I'm cool with that.

-Yeah? -Yeah.

(whooping)

Cut it out!

Rob, your name's on TV.