Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

God, I hate coming to the vet.

They charge me 90 bucks a day to keep Brian here.

For 60 bucks, I could put him up at the Holiday Inn.

Who's with me?

My apologies. My pet cricket has restless leg syndrome.

I hope Brian's stomach pains aren't anything serious.

Look at that, Lois. That's why cats freak me out.

He's doing that weird, stretchy leg thing where they lick themselves.

Look at that, huh? Look at that shit.

Thank God the vets are here to help Brian.

I want to be a veterinarian when I grow up.

Meg, we've been over this.

You're gonna gain 150 pounds and write Ugly Betty fan fiction.

But, Dad... Meg, that's final.

Meg, that's final. Meg, that's final.

See, this bird knows what I'm talking about. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. You're very polite.

You're very polite.

You do not see that these days. You do not see that.

I like you. I like you.

Oh, thank God.

You know, you never really know what somebody thinks of you,

but I'm glad I made a good first impression.

Would you like to be friends?

Like to be friends.

Oh, God, this is all going so smoothly.

What's your name? I'm Peter. Peter.

No way! That's my name!

Hey, you should come home and spend the night at my house.

Lois, will you make up the guest room?

Peter, that's someone's pet. You can't just take it.

Well, maybe they'd never know it's gone.

Brian, I'm so glad you're okay.

Yes, he's doing fine.

We were able to clear the stomach obstruction.

Turns out it was a used diaper.

Ew!

Gross!

Oh, yes!

Get off my back. I thought it was Indian food.

Oh, thank you so much for your help, Dr. Jewish.

I really thought we were gonna lose him.

It was my pleasure, Mrs. Griffin.

Go ahead and check out with my intern, Anna.

♪ I never wanted anyone like this

♪ It's all brand new

♪ You'll feel it in my kiss

♪ I'm crazy for you

♪ Bah

♪ Crazy for you ♪

We now return to Busy Business Lady

Whose Life Is Missing Something,

But She Doesn't Realize It Because She's So Busy With Business.

No, no, I cannot make that business meeting.

I've got a different business meeting at 3:00,

and will be doing business there.

I was wondering if you're free for coffee.

Oh, no, I can't!

I've got a lunch meeting, and then a meeting after lunch.

After that...

Over the next 90 minutes,

I'd like to show you that all your problems can be solved by my penis.

Hey, guys, what is going on?

No way! Cool!

That thing don't bite, do it?

Guys, say hello to Adrien Beaky.

Pick a lane, bitch.

Isn't that funny? He heard me say that on the way over in the car.

I got to pee. Where's that Snapple bottle?

I had a gay experience at camp.

We... We had the radio on

and they were talking about some goofy stuff.

So, what are you... What are you guys drinking?

Hey, Peter, you kind of look like a pirate with that thing on your shoulder.

A pirate? Oh, cool!

You should get a pirate name.

And a peg leg. And a hook hand.

And you should have sex with that crossing guard,

even though she looked young and then I found out she was 12.

I mean, you should get an eye patch.

Eye patch would be cool.

U know, Brian, if you like my poop going into your mouth,

we could just do that.

Shut up, Stewie.

Mom, can we go back to the vet and see the pretty vet assistant again?

Well, I guess if Brian gets sick again.

Oh, boy! Hey, Brian, look! Brian's sick. Mom, get your keys!

Ng to the vet.

There's me wench!

Peter, what the hell are you doing?

That's Long John Peter to you, porthole.

Fetch me five tankards of ale and a leg of mutton for me maties!

Who the hell are those guys?

Just a few sea dogs from my fishing boat days.

I don't care who they are, they stink! Get them out of here!

They stink of good cheer, Lois!

After we've had our fill of bread and wine,

we shall tell tales of other times we had our fill of bread and wine.

God, this is a more disturbing sight

than Tom Hanks and E.T. in Philadelphia.

Ouch!

There you go, you're good.

You didn't touch me.

I don't wanna get AIDS.

Kristallnacht!

'Tis Long John Peter and his merry men come seeking plunder.

All your TUCKS Medicated Pads be ours.

Oh, my God!

Oh, God! What are you...

For no reason, I'm going to fire this cannon all over your store.

Terrible pharmacy toys.

We'll see to it that no child ever receives these

as a last-minute gift hastily bought on the way to the party.

Dear me, it's almost 3:00.

I've got to get this shipment of sugar cane, tobacco and spices

to the harbor before day's end.

That car is coming up awfully fast, but at least it's flying the British flag.

Oh, no. Privateers.

No doubt they're after my sugar cane, tobacco and spices.

Well, Shelley Boothbishop isn't about to let you over-egg this pudding.

Prepare to be boarded.

You'll never take my cargo.

Load the cannon.

All clear, sir.

Shoot it again.

What? I didn't understand that.

I said "shoot it again," but I said it pirate-like.

Well done, you barnacle-munching scallywiggers.

Sir, we've got a man down.

Oh, my God! Adrien Beaky. Say something.

Shoot me.

Oh, God, this is my fault. I did this.

I've screwed up worse than Disney did

when they cast Michael J. Fox in that Zorro remake.

Who was that masked man who saved us?

I don't know, but he left his insignia.

Give it to me straight, Dr. Jewish. Is he gonna live?

Mr. Griffin, I'm afraid your parrot is dead.

No!

Did he at least die with dignity?

Well, he convulsed a lot and fell off the operating table.

Then he flopped around a little on the floor,

then a passing nurse accidentally stepped on him

and kicked him into a puddle of urine, which must've frightened him,

because his bowels released all over himself.

I tried to pick him up, but then I got angry

because some of it got on my thumb,

so I threw him against the wall and that's where he died.

That's the way I want to go.

I'm really sorry about your dad's parrot.

Oh, that's okay.

He'll get over it pretty quickly and then move on to another wacky thing.

Lois, whose pipe organ is this?

My name is Anna.

I'm Chris.

Sometimes I have to poop for a long time.

Now you say something.

You're funny. But I bet a lot of girls tell you that, huh?

Well, the only girl I know is my sister, and she sucks.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Wow, we're having a conversation!

Listen, I have to get back to work,

but would you maybe want to go out sometime?

Yes!

Great. Here's my number.

Awesome!

Oh, no, I broke the pipe organ.

Hey, look, the deed to a cattle ranch.

Working at the vet?

Oh, it is so rewarding.

Ever since I was a little girl,

I have loved working with animals.

Did you ever make it with one of the dogs?

What?

I mean, did you enjoy your appetizer?

It hasn't come yet.

Oh, I mean, did you ever make it with one of the dogs?

No! Stupid!

Chris, just relax.

Okay. So, what kind of stuff do you like to do and junk?

Well, I really enjoy some of the music

black people have been coming up with lately.

You know, Anna, when I first saw you,

I thought you were the most beautiful girl in the world,

and now all I want to do is show you my innermost self,

but I'm afraid you'll reject me

because you won't like what you see,

or that you'll see my scrotum, and see that it has a seam on it,

and then you'll think I'm made up of two different guys

that were sewn together, 'cause that's what I think happened, and...

Chris, I like you.

You don't have to try so hard.

I'm sorry.

When I'm around a pretty girl,

I get all worked up, like a kid watching a toy commercial.

Shiny! Gooey! Stretchy! Fun!

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

Sticky! Yummy! Bouncy! Fun!

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

- Fly it! - Yeah!

Toss it! Awesome!

Swim it!

Eat it!

Hasbro's Best Thing Ever!

Kids? Kids?

It's so awesome!

I want it!

Hey, fellas! I have a question.

I went on a date with this girl that I really like,

and if you don't mind,

I was hoping I could ask you a few questions

about the birds and the bees?

My boy wants to know about sex.

Came to the right place.

Chris, what you always want to remember is that sex is perfectly natural...

Sorry, Mr. Swanson. I wasn't really talking to you.

Chris, I know a lot about sex.

Yeah, and I'm sure you have fond memories,

but I was kind of hoping to get some advice

from someone who isn't broken from the waist down.

I'm a father!

You're a two-wheeled monster!

That's going to be my ring tone. Quagmire, call me.

Well, I have to get to work, Chris.

I have tons and tons of dogs to incinerate,

but I can't wait to see you tomorrow night.

Oh, God, I'm so sorry. I'll clean that up.

Oh, that's okay. I'll get it.

Have fun at work!

Okay. Bye, Chris.

What do you think you're doing?

What?

You, a man, are cleaning up a mess made by Anna, a woman,

that she, also a woman, spilled on you, a man.

So?

You're treating her like a human being.

If you want to get anywhere with a chick, you can't treat them too nice-like.

Really? Trust me, Chris.

The next time you see this girl, treat her like crap,

and you'll be cooler than a mid-'80s novelty answering machine message.

♪ I'm glad you called, but I'm not home

♪ But I'll be back before too long

♪ You got to wait for the beep You got to leave your name

♪ You got to leave your number Wait for the beep ♪

It's me again. I just had to hear it one more time.

Chris, is everything okay?

You seem a little, I don't know, quiet tonight.

Yeah, everything's fine.

Yes, can I have two tickets?

One man and one bitch that needs to do what I say.

What? That's not funny, Chris.

Here's your ticket. Pick that up!

Chris, why are you acting like this?

Pick that up and cook it into something delicious

or knit it into something that's useful to me!

Are you ready to make out now?

Why in the world would I want to do that after what you just said?

You're obviously not the person I thought you were!

I never want to see you again!

I can't believe I thought you were special!

Anna, wait! Oh, no! What did I do?

Hey, Chris! Guess what we just did! Bonnie, tell him.

We had sex. We had sex!

We had what Joe calls sex.

Chris, honey, what's wrong?

Anna took a dump on me.

What?

Yeah, she broke up with me.

Oh, she dumped you. That's what you meant to say.

What's the difference?

Well, what you said first was...

Well, I mean, when two grown-ups love each other very much,

sometimes they show it by... Never mind. So, what happened?

I don't know. I did everything Dad said.

I should've known Peter had something to do with this.

You're not the first person whose life he's screwed up.

Knock, knock. Nicole? Ronald? Who's ready for Boggle?

Oh, my God! No! Why? Why? My beautiful Nicole!

My man, Ronald, who did this? Oh, man, they were so good together!

We were just establishing our friendship.

They were about to get engaged.

Oh, he was going to ask me to be an usher.

I mean, he already had enough groomsmen,

so he made me an usher,

but just to think I could be involved in the ceremony in any way.

You told Chris to act like a jerk to this girl?

Well, define "Chris."

Peter, he's really upset right now.

I mean, he cared about this girl a lot.

Can't you see what you've done?

I don't know, I mean, I thought I was helping.

But you may be right.

'Cause now Chris is all sad and crying and fat and bad at sports.

Well, you created this mess, and you have to help him fix it.

Man, parenting is more complicated than making a 1940s phone call.

Hello, operator? Crestview 4162, please.

One moment, please.

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello? Hello?

Hello?

Well, what do you know about that?

Hey, Chris, it's me. I got something for you here.

What is it?

I caught you a bullfrog outside.

Poked some holes in its back so it can breathe.

See, look at this... Oh, boy! All right, hang on, hang on.

I'm never going to be happy again.

I know how you feel, son, but you can't give up now.

Now, let's get out there and meet some ladies, huh?

But I don't want to date anyone else. I want Anna.

Chris, you don't want to miss out on experiencing your teenage years.

If you do, you'll feel as bad as I do when I miss the toilet.

Peter Griffin!

All right, Chris, have a seat.

Your date will be here any minute.

In fact, I think she'll be coming through that door.

Hey, Chris. I'm Betty. Sorry I'm late.

Your dad told me all about you.

You sound like a swell fella.

Thanks. So where are you from?

I'm from the rich part of town,

so you know I'm a good egg.

But I'm more interested in you.

Did you finish your homework today?

What?

You know, your dad's got a birthday coming up.

Have you given any thought to what you might be getting him?

How do you know when my dad's birthday is?

Well, that... It doesn't matter.

What are you getting your dad for his birthday?

I don't know. A tie.

I don't know if he would want one of those.

I think he's got enough ties.

I think he might...

Chris, I don't want a tie! Pick something else!

Chris, this is Barbara,

the girl from your class you used to have a crush on.

Now, you kids enjoy yourselves,

and I'll create some atmosphere.

This is a favorite by Men at Work.

♪ Do you come from a land down under?

♪ Look at me with a brand-new Hyundai ♪

I don't understand, Chris. Your blind date should be here by now.

She answered the ad.

Whoa!

So, still no luck on the girl front, huh?

I know Dad's been trying to help, and I'm trying to listen to him,

but nothing seems to be working.

Well, I know I asked him to help,

but it occurs to me that you've been taking advice

from everyone except the one person who matters.

What do you want, Chris?

All I want is to go out with Anna again.

Then you just need to go talk to her and tell her exactly how you feel.

But she said she never wants to see me again.

Well, I'm sure you can come up with some excuse to see her at the vet.

Is there any more coffee?

Anna, I'm here with my dog.

He's not feeling well.

Fuck you.

Don't you think you'd rather go to another vet?

'cause I wanted to apologize for acting like such a jerk.

That's not who I am.

Oh, yeah, no, no, no. Yeah, no, you're a cool guy.

Brian, shut up!

Look, I was just really nervous

'cause I've never had a girlfriend before,

and I wanted to make sure I didn't do anything wrong.

You know, you really hurt me, Chris.

I know. I was wrong. I don't want to hurt anybody, Anna.

Please, just give me another chance.

Gosh! He doesn't look so good.

I know. But you do.

You know, I get off at 4:00.

I might just be up for a movie.

Okay, somebody really needs to help me here.