Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

Hey, Stewie, you ready to go home?

About an hour ago. This party sucks.

What happened to your face?

I'm a kitty cat.

Stupid face-painters apparently never heard of Darth Maul.

This party's worse than a Mexican funeral.

Rian.

That birthday party Spider-Man is eyeing me.

Don't let me catch you,

'cause I'll just wrap you up and eat you later.

Hang on a second. Who's that?

That's Jared's mom. Her husband died in Iraq.

Really?

No, wait. He was either wounded or killed. I don't remember.

Well, which is it, Stewie, wounded or killed?

I can work with either. No, no, he's dead. He's dead.

Just like the Pink Panther.

Well, it seems his lungs are completely filled

with Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

What? Will he be okay?

No, he won't be okay.

One-third of his body weight is Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

Well, that's it.

But, don't worry, he won't burn in hell,

thanks to all that Owens Corning fiberglass insulation.

How about that magician, huh?

Yeah, he's great. I love magicians.

I don't know why, but I've always found magic very sexy.

I'm a magician. You are?

How long have you been doing magic?

A long time.

I used to work with Doug Henning.

Wow.

Yeah. Want to see my Doug Henning?

Welcome to the wonderful world of magic. Hope I don't get AIDS.

Oh, God, that is so my humor.

You know, my son's birthday party is next weekend.

Any chance I can hire you to do your act?

Absolutely!

I think the magic's starting to happen already.

Brian, this is painful.

It's like listening to those two foreign guys down at the coffee shop

who've been living in the US almost long enough to sound American.

Oh, man, what a good bunch of partying at that discotheque.

They played one of my audience requests.

Way awesome.

I myself drank, like, 5 liters of beer.

Any more and I would have ended up in hospital, man.

You said it, friend.

But I wanted to stay, 'cause I almost had sex on this girl.

Oh, yeah! But it was so expensive. Each drink was, like, six dollars forty.

And if I've done this right, then this is your card, Stewie.

Really, Brian? Card tricks?

That's what's gonna close the deal with this woman?

Well, yeah. Why not?

You need more than that. You need an act.

Listen, I'll be your assistant, and we'll put on a whole big show.

Really? Yeah, we'll do all the great tricks.

You can even split me in half.

What? Saw me in half.

Well, I am still a little shaky on some of this stuff.

I guess I could use the help.

Great. And we'll get you a wand, a top hat and a cape.

In fact, you can use Peter's cape from last year's Halloween costume.

Hi, Brian. I'm Count Crotchula, the bulging vampire.

I'll bite your neck, but also look how big I am down there.

That costume doesn't make any sense.

Don't stifle my creativity!

See that bulge down there, Brian? What is that? What is it?

Can't be my pointy teeth, 'cause those are all the way up here.

I'll let you in on a little secret.

Happy Halloween.

Okay, kids, it's time for the magic show.

How about a big round of applause for The Amazing Brian?

I can't believe I agreed to four costume changes.

Who am I kidding? I insisted on it.

Brian, thanks so much for doing this. Paul and I are so excited to see your act.

Oh, thank... Wait. What?

Paul, my boyfriend.

Paul, this is Brian.

Boyfriend? Oh, come on!

I paid $800 for all this crap! You have a boyfriend?

Ed,

but that makes her feel useful in the relationship.

I'm gonna fix him.

Our relationship will do fine on that basis.

If he had his shit together, I wouldn't be into it.

Of this crap!

Is this the show?

You know what? The hell with both of you! I'm out of here!

Are we doing this thing or what? Brian? Brian?

Well, this was a lot of effort for nothing.

Like trying to tell Matthew McConaughey how much he sucks.

You know, Matthew, I may not ever get another chance to say this,

so I just want to get this off my chest.

You are just awful.

You're one of the worst actors in the history of film,

and I think that you need to go away.

Oh, thanks, man.

The truth is I spend at least 90% of my year going away,

exploring exotic places, having sex with my beautiful girlfriend,

just doing sit-ups. I mean, I really... And then counting money.

Money that I made off the terrible films that I put out into the American populace,

because they just love to see me doing what it is that I do.

Yes, but you're not hearing me.

Dazed and Confused was the one thing that was passable. After that...

Thanks, man. That actually launched my career.

After that, everything else was awful.

Contact, they didn't even need you in that movie.

They could have done the whole movie without you.

I know. I said the same thing, but they were just, like,

"Oh, we need a good-looking guy with a great ass and some tight abs

"to just provide some down-home enthusiasm in this picture.

"Something to counterbalance Jodie Foster."

They took her to be slightly cold, unapproachable, do you know?

So they put me in there. I said it didn't make any sense.

Said the same thing about that Bill Murray elephant movie,

but they were just, like, "Oh, the audiences need you."

You make me physically sick to my stomach,

and I wish that you would get a heart attack.

I totally feel you, man.

Truth of the matter is, I don't like my movies either,

but, man, they just keep offering me money,

and I do it, and then I get to go around the world.

I mean, did you see Sahara?

I tell you what the movie gave me was an opportunity

to take an Airstream all across the country

and sell that picture one person at a time.

You suck donkey ass.

Now you can't prove that.

That was so humiliating!

I mean, look at all the stuff I put myself through just to get laid.

Don't worry, my friend. One day you'll find your soul mate.

The sad thing is, I already did, years ago.

Tracy Flannigan.

She was the greatest girl I ever met, and I blew it.

You should look her up.

Am I boring you?

No, it's just... Long day.

I suppose I could look her up. I just wonder if she'd even want to see me.

I wasn't exactly the nicest guy in the world.

And then, in high school, I was violated sexually by my father.

It happened on numerous occasions, and I was too afraid to tell anyone

because I felt like somehow it was my fault.

So, you do go all the way.

Well, here goes.

Tracy? Tracy Flannigan?

Oh, my God, Brian Griffin, is that you?

Yeah, it's me.

And all he wants is to kiss you just one more time.

Wow, you sure look...

Different than the last time I saw you.

Yeah, haircut.

So to get out of here, I just make a left out of the driveway

and drive as fast as I can?

Wait. Brian, I'm actually glad you found me.

There's someone I've wanted you to meet for a long time.

From the look of those toenails, I bet it's that little Lamisil monster.

Brian, this is Dylan. He's

your son.

Oh, no way! Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Gosh, this is a lovely home, Tracy.

That's so weird. It smells like there's a cat, but I bet there's no cat.

I've wanted you to meet Dylan for a long time, Brian.

Well, Brian, a son. How about that?

My God, this is more uncomfortable than the goodbye in The Wizard of Oz.

Goodbye, Tin Man.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

Goodbye, Lion.

Goodbye, Dorothy.

I think I'll miss you most of all, Scarecrow.

Oh, okay. That's kind of an odd thing to say.

Yeah, sort of a weird comment right in front of all of us.

Kind of thought this was a team effort. Yeah, yeah.

Really, really glad I risked my life and everything.

Yeah, you're, like, five minutes from gone and you leave with that?

Yeah. You know, it's like cutting a huge fart

and then walking out of the room.

And that's how we'll remember you, as a big fart.

Goodbye, big fart.

So, Dylan, shouldn't you be in school?

I don't know.

It's Wednesday. Up yours!

Nice kid. Say, Brian, now that I think about it,

how can you possibly have a 13-year-old son

when you yourself are only seven?

Well, those are dog years.

That doesn't make any sense.

You know what, Stewie? If you don't like it,

go on the Internet and complain.

It was awful. That kid was a complete thug.

I'm telling you, I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

Boy, Brian, you dodged a bullet not having to raise that kid.

Your life would have been more miserable

than a lonely old widow living in a downstairs apartment.

Quiet! Keep it down up there!

What did I just say? I'm calling the police!

I don't know, Brian.

Don't you think you have a responsibility to your son?

I... Lois, I didn't even know I had a son until today.

And, besides, it's not like Tracy ever asked for my help.

Yeah, it seemed like they're all set without you.

She's done a fine job creating a child-friendly environment...

Great parenting.

I don't know, Brian. Raising a child is a very rewarding experience.

You know what else is rewarding, Lois? Shutting your vag.

What? What?

Dylan! What are you doing here?

My mom wanted me to give you this.

"To Brian, from Tracy. He's your problem now.

"PS. Will you write me a letter of recommendation

"for the University of Phoenix?"

No. No, I'm not gonna put myself on the line like that.

But, Dylan, my God!

Everybody, this handsome, muscular boy is Brian's son, Dylan.

Dylan is gonna be staying with us for a while.

Dylan, it's so nice to meet you.

Shut up, bitch!

Oh! He got you, Lois.

No, no, no! Tracy can't do this. She can't just leave him here.

Well, we can't just turn him away, Brian. After all, he is family.

I don't know. Where's he gonna sleep?

He could sleep in Stewie's room. Would you like that, sweetie?

No, my pants just got shorter 'cause I hated the idea.

And this is Chris. Chris, this is my son, Dylan.

Hi, Dylan.

All this stuff in here is mine now.

Oh. Well, okay, but be careful opening the closet,

'cause that's where the evil monkey lives.

Yay! I haven't been in my closet for years!

Boy, there is a lot of feces in here.

Something on your mind, son?

Shut up, dude. You're just a fat old bastard.

Well, not to get technical, sir, but you are the bastard.

I hate you all! I didn't ask to be born. If I had a gun, I would kill you all!

Did you hear that, Lois?

Now we know what to get him for Christmas.

I love the holidays.

Brian, you have got to get Dylan under control.

He's terrorizing the whole family.

Yeah, you wouldn't believe what he did to Meg yesterday.

He made her watch the other 178 hours of Monty Python stuff

that isn't funny or memorable.

I have a pet hedgehog named Zippy, and I shall walk her to town,

and each time my foot hits the ground, I shall say, "Boing, boing, boing."

I'm a girl! I don't even like the good Monty Python sketches.

Don't worry, I got it under control, Lois.

I'm monitoring Dylan from here on Stewie's baby monitor.

Sec.

Stewie, why are you nude?

Oh, just a little something I do once a week around here

called a naked tea party.

Got my teacup here. Now all I need is a tea bag.

That's something that interests you, my friend?

You're weird. Yeah, and you're attractive.

Now take your fucking pants off!

I'm out of here.

Did you see that, Rupert?

How to Lose a Guy in 10 Seconds, starring Stewie Griffin, huh? Gee whiz.

Hey, Lois, is the air conditioning on?

I just woke up from a nap and I feel drafty.

Peter, we don't have air conditioning.

Well, that's awful peculiar.

Oh, my God. Peter, look.

Oh, damn it, Dylan. What the hell? Well, thank God I'm full of Play-Doh.

There we are.

That's it. I'm telling Brian he has to rein Dylan in once and for all.

Hey, where is Brian, anyway?

Oh, thanks, Lois.

Dylan put this paper bag on my head

and I could not, for the life of me, figure out how to get it off.

That kid's a sociopath.

Well, it's time you laid down the law with him.

I couldn't agree more.

I am gonna kick him out of this house

faster than NASA kicked out the Cocoa Puffs bird.

Okay, your physical exam was within range.

You aced the flight simulator.

I guess all that's left is the psychological screening.

Okay. How do you feel about this?

Oh, my God, Cocoa Puffs. No, that's not me anymore.

I'm just here to fly, sir.

All right, Dylan. You know what? This isn't working out.

All right? I don't care that I'm your father and you don't care that you're my son.

We don't have anything in common.

I think it's best if you just get out of this house.

Fine. I hate it here anyhow. Get out of my way.

My pot! My pot!

Your pot? Your pot?

And then in Chapter 28 of my novel,

the other pilots finally trust the Japanese pilot

and let him... Let him into their group.

Dude, that is an amazing story.

Hey, what if there were Korean pilots?

Yeah. I'm not really looking for notes,

but you know, Dylan, I gotta tell you something.

I'm sorry I wasn't around when you were growing up.

Don't. Just don't.

If I had known having a son could be like this...

How dare you? I didn't know!

You have no right, man. No right.

It wasn't my fault. You weren't there for me.

Damn it, don't you think I wanted to be?

It's okay. It's okay.

Look, I know I wasn't there for you, man, for all those years,

but that's gonna change.

It's gonna be different from now on.

And I'm gonna make you into a better person,

starting first thing tomorrow.

Just passing through. See anything you like, speak up.

Hey, there, everybody.

Was somebody looking for a son with a bright new path to adulthood

and his very, very proud dad?

Oh, Dylan, you got a haircut. Aren't you handsome?

From now on, I plan on being a real father to Dylan,

and together, we are gonna turn his life around.

Right, champ? You said it, Dad.

All right! You ready for school? Yeah.

Hey, can I drive today?

This kid! He's only 13.

I know. I was just kidding.

We got a young Adam Sandler here, I think. Right?

Right? Yes.

Bye, Mom. Bye!

All right, kids. Have a good day at school.

Day at school.

Thanks, Dad. Hey. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

You're there.

I'll always be there, Dylan.

Hey. Knock, knock.

Who's there?

Danny Zuko.

Come on! The audition's not till 3:00. Don't jinx it.

You know, Brian,

Dylan could have just carpooled with me and the kids.

Oh, Lois, Dylan is very special to me and...

Well, didn't you just get a ticket for running a red light?

Yeah, like, six years ago.

And I got that ticket because I got distracted

'cause you were leaning out the window, barking at a cow.

So you admit you ran the red light?

Fuck you.

Whoa! Not the kind of language I want Dylan exposed to.

Have fun with your dead kids, reckless driver.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

Crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art.

Hi! I'm Al Harrington

of Al Harrington's Wacky, Waving, Inflatable,

Arm-Flailing, Tube-Man Warehouse and Emporium.

As an unwanted result of a recent lawsuit,

I am now in possession of hundreds of pallets

of crudely painted, not-so-funny, plywood, cutout folk art,

and it's just waiting to transform your uncut, trash-strewn lawn

into a living canvas that tells passersby,

"Hey, everyone, a real funny bugger lives here."

Your neighbors will chuckle warmly, and motorists will slow down and applaud

when they cast their eyes on such favorites as

Sort-of Ben and Jerry's-Looking Cow,

Black Silhouetted Cowboy Leaning on Barn,

and everybody's favorite,

Fat Woman Bending Over Tending to Her Garden

in Big, Polka-Dotted Bloomers.

Most of this stuff is priced to move, and until it does,

it's an enormous fire hazard,

so please come see me, on Route 2 in Weekapaug.

Look for the Sort-of Ben and Jerry's Cow out front!

We interrupt this program to bring you grim news

out of LaGuardia Airport,

where a 767 has been forced to make a crash landing.

Oh, man, I tell you, now that I'm a parent, I can't even watch stories like that.

,

"Oh, my God, what if Dylan were on that plane?"

Oh, my God, I just don't know what I would do.

I don't know what I would do.

Yeah, yeah, I understand. That'd be tough.

Oh, no. Oh, no. No, no. No, no, no. Quagmire, no.

You do not understand. Until you have a child...

Until you have a child, you do not understand.

Okay? Jesus.

It's been like this all week. Watch this.

Hey, Brian, what would you do if Dylan fell out a window?

Oh, my God. Oh, my God! I don't even want to think about that.

I don't even want to think about that. Oh, God. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

Brian, what would you do if Dylan was in a fire?

Oh, my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, that's...

Oh, God. Oh, no, no, no. Knock on wood, knock on wood, knock on wood.

Now, look, Brian, there's a difference

between being concerned and being overprotective.

Now that's a dad talking. That is a dad talking, Quagmire.

You're right. You can't hold your kids back.

It's like I say, you have to give your kids both roots and wings.

Brian, I wanna punch you in the dick right now.

♪ And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon... ♪

Oh, that's Dylan's ring. Hey, bud, everything all right?

Really? Well, how many library assistants did they pick?

One of four.

Well, you know what? Extra, extra, read all about it.

Ice cream for Dylan tonight.

Peter, your dog is giving me diabetes.

I'm telling you, Joe, he's as annoying as mosquitoes in the summertime.

Can I come in there with you? There's light in there.

No. Go away.

Can I please come in?

You have juice, and I want to sit in it.

Shoo! Get lost.

Hi, Dad. Chris, close the door, there's a...

Oh, it's much nicer in here.

I'm gonna float around for a while,

then stick my needle in your shoulder fat while you sleep.

I tell you, I wish that old hag of Brian's had never even told him he had a kid.

You just got to get his mother to take him back.

How the hell am I supposed to do that?

She's an idiot redneck, Peter.

Tricking her should be easier than escaping from Canadian Alcatraz.

Can I go out through here?

Just be back by bedtime. Okay.

Lunch is ready, everyone.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lois, Lois. This is...

This is white bread. Yeah. So?

Well, don't we have any of that whole-grain stuff?

No. This was cheaper.

I just... I just... I don't want Dylan eating white bread.

Brian, there's nothing wrong with it. Our kids eat...

Lois, Lois, I do not want Dylan eating white bread.

Brian, I promise you, it's fine.

Lois. Lois, Lois.

I will decide what is best for my child, all right?

Look, will you take it easy?

And, and, I do not want to have this conversation in front of my son.

Okay, you know what? That's it, Brian. Feed him whatever you want.

Tell you what. Go up to my jewelry box,

take my gold jewelry, melt it down, make it into bread and feed him that.

That good enough? Gold bread good enough for your Dylan?

Hey, everybody! Look who's back to pick up her son.

This isn't The Price Is Right.

You said we were going to The Price Is Right.

Peter, what the hell is this?

Mom, what are you doing here?

Tracy wants Dylan back. Don't you want Dylan back, Tracy?

What a joyous family reunion. Isn't this great, Brian?

Now Dylan can go back with his mom,

and you can stop acting like such a jackass.

So that's what this is all about, huh?

I must say, you have been a little insufferable lately, Brian.

We just want the old you back, that's all.

Look. All right. Okay, maybe I have been acting different lately, all right?

But that's only because I've truly connected

with the one bit of flesh and blood that I have on this earth.

And I have no intention of giving that up.

Who wants a half and half?

I'll throw my hat into that ring.

Wait a minute, Dad. I think maybe I should go with her.

What? Dylan, why?

Look at her. She needs me, a lot more than you do.

But we were just starting to make a real connection.

Listen, I'll always be grateful to you for turning my life around,

but now, thanks to you,

I finally have a chance to transform my mom's life

in the same way you transformed mine.

Wow. You know, I guess a dad couldn't ask for more than that.

I'm proud of you, Dylan.

My life will never be the same for knowing you.

Goodbye and good luck.

Goodbye, Dad.

Come on, Mom. Let's go.

Bye. Thanks for coming.

I'm gonna miss that boy.

You know, I just finally figured it out. She looks like a really hot Tim Russert.

Right? Right? Yes.