Original subtitles

♪ It seems today that all you see

♪ Is violence in movies and sex on TV

♪ But where are those good old-fashioned values

♪ On which we used to rely?

♪ Lucky there's a family guy

♪ Lucky there's a man who positively can do

♪ All the things that make us

♪ Laugh and cry

♪ He's a family guy ♪

We now return to

Dr. Terry Fabulous: Homosexual Gynecologist.

Okay, Mrs. Robinson, let's take a look.

Ew!

It looks like a sad, old man.

T out, you guys. I got a new cell phone that takes pictures.

Look, look, I took a picture of Lois' poo.

She should've handed out cigars after that one.

That's hilarious. You should e-mail that to me.

Hey, did you guys see the game last night?

Oh, yeah.

That offensive line is outstanding.

Yeah, you should e-mail me that picture.

Hey, boys.

What the hell are you guys doing here?

To have a little girls' night out.

Yeah. You guys talk about this place all the time. We figured we'd give it a try.

Bernice, we haven't really been dating long enough

for you to be hanging out with my friends' wives.

Shut up, Cleveland! Okay.

Check it out, girls. Jukebox, huh? Hey, you guys want to dance?

Yeah, totally.

Hell, yeah.

Oh, my God, this sucks.

The Clam's the only place we got to get away from the women.

This is a bigger disaster than Jack Black's last movie.

We now return to Jack Black in The Unconventional Butler.

Edgar, could you bring me some tea?

Yeah! Yeah!

Wait a minute. Butlers are supposed to be fancy and well-mannered.

This guy's screaming and waving his arms around.

You're an old man. You don't understand the young people.

You're right. I'll change from now on.

Oh, my God, that was so much fun.

You know, boys, we just might make this our regular spot.

Peter? Peter?

Yeah, I'm sorry, Joe. I just had one of my Scrubs fantasy moments.

It's the best show you're not watching.

I hate shows that cut away from the story for some bullshit.

Llas, our way of life is being threatened,

and we got to do something about it.

Couldn't we just ask the women to leave?

No, no.

I got something way more expensive and time-consuming in mind.

Well, men, the Quahog Men's Club is complete.

It took six weeks and cost $8,000, but it was worth it.

Peter, I wish you'd get rid of this thing. It's an absolute eyesore.

What do you care, Lois?

You girls got The Clam. We got the Quahog Men's Club.

Besides, we're not hurting anybody.

What are you talking about?

You ripped a whole chunk of wall out of the house.

What is this? There's something wrong with the house.

I don't like change!

Peter, you can't just slap together flimsy structures in the yard.

Why not? Herbert did it.

♪ Y-M-C-A

♪ It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A ♪

All right, Peter, this is a tough one.

All right, are you ready for this? Okay.

Would you have sex with Cleveland

if it meant you could have sex with Angelina Jolie?

Uh...

Yeah. Yeah, I'd probably do it.

Hang on, hang on.

Missionary, and you have to look him in the eye.

No closing your eyes and pretending it's somebody else.

I think, still, yes.

Thank you, Peter.

All right, here's another one. Who would you rather have sex with?

A very pregnant Gina Gershon, or Jenny McCarthy after a car accident?

Oh, hey, hang on, hang on.

Look, you know, I know this is a men's club,

but why does it always have to be about sex?

Okay, look, how about this? How about this?

Who would you rather start a small business with?

Janet Reno, after a safari, or the fat guy from My Name is Earl.

That still sounds like a sex question.

It is not.

Well, then what the hell does "safari" have to do with it?

What's the guy from Earl's credit rating?

Six fifty-one.

That's not bad. Better than mine.

Does he have an idea, or do I have to come up with it myself?

He's got an idea, but it's not quite there.

I'd have to give it to Janet Reno,

'cause I've always had this business plan

for home delivery of prescription medications,

and that seems like it's more her market.

This is stupid. I want to talk about vaginas!

Well, I'd say the Men's Club inaugural ball is a huge success.

Hey, guys, let's play a party game.

Let's go stand over near Brian,

and we'll take a drink every time he says "bonerific".

"Bonerific"? Yeah, it's his catch phrase.

He says it all the time.

Yeah, sure. I'm in. Okay.

Yeah, let's do it.

Hey, hey, Brian, how you feeling tonight?

Good. Having a nice time.

Are you feeling terrific, or any variation on that word?

Oh, sure. No complaints. My skin's a little dry.

He's not saying it, Peter.

What?

No. Why would I say that? It's not even a word.

What isn't a word? "Bonerific."

Didn't I tell you? You can't keep this guy from saying it.

Boy, great party, huh, Fred?

Yeah. You know, Barn, I figured I ought to tell you this.

I was walking by your house the other day,

and I poked my head in the window, and Betty was undressing.

Now, she saw me there, but she didn't stop.

What? She didn't stop.

I mean, she saw me there, looking at her, and she kept undressing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you serious?

Yeah. I got an erection.

I've got a headache. Do you have any Anacin?

Any what? "Anacin"?

Yeah, Anacin.

Do they even make Anacin anymore?

Yeah, it's still around. Why?

No, it just seems like sort of a '70s medication.

So you don't have any Anacin?

No.

God, you're more worthless than Colin Farrell.

So, you got the wool cap on, huh? Yeah.

Yeah, I guess. You know, whatever. It's 96 degrees out.

Better put on the old wool cap. Yeah.

Got a lot going on under there, under the wool cap?

Thinking about your sideburns?

Yeah. No, no, no, no. You're not a complete jackass, yeah.

Oh, hey, nice T-shirt. "Phresh", and it's spelled with a "P-H".

Oh, that's fun, 'cause it's usually spelled with an "F".

Yeah. Oh, and you got a little tear on your pants, there.

Oh, that's on purpose, though, isn't it?

Yeah. Yeah, you're a bad boy. You're a bad boy.

Society wants your pants to be intact,

but you're just not gonna listen, are you?

My God, this is ridiculous. I'm sorry. I'm gonna have to kill you.

All right, one more pre-party drink,

and then we'll head off to The Clam.

It's cheaper to drink at your house first.

Boy, they sure are making a lot of noise out there.

Those idiots have done nothing but hang out in that stupid shed

for the last two days.

We should crash that party.

Hey, you know what? Bernice is right.

They're always trying to get away from us.

We should march in there and remind them that they have wives.

Especially if they have food,

because bar food is so overpriced.

Man, who invited Anne Frank?

Quagmire, tell that story about the girl with the inside-out anus.

Oh, you mean Blossom?

Oh, that's a great story.

All right, so I'm skulking around the intensive care unit

and all of a sudden this smoking hot chick...

Hey, boys. Mind if we join the party?

Sorry, Lois, no girls allowed.

Oh, come on, Peter. It'd be good to have some chicks in here.

Quagmire, are you nuts? This is a men's club.

There's the problem. The ratio be terrible.

It's a total mast-fest in here.

You know, I kind of agree.

Yeah, this is sort of lame.

T. Come on, girls, let's dance.

Hey, hey, hey, stop it. You women can't dance in here.

Well, I know two people who'll take my side on this.

The stuffy parents from Dirty Dancing. Right, guys?

Sorry, Peter. Even we're getting into it.

What's the matter, Bonnie? Don't you want to dance?

Oh, it's okay, Joe. I don't mind sitting here with you.

What I mean is, I don't want to hold you back.

Don't be silly, honey.

It's just as nice watching other people have fun.

God, I hate being handicapped.

Sometimes, I feel more useless than the head of the maid's union.

And what exactly are your demands?

We need more Lemon Pledge.

You need more Lemon Pledge?

Yes.

We're not responsible for that.

You should just bring it from your own home.

No.

Hello? Oh, hi, Lois. Yeah, last night was fun.

Oh, it's okay. I'm used to not dancing.

I mean, I knew what to expect after, you know, Joe's accident,

and I'm prepared to live the rest of my life this way.

Poor Bonnie. She deserves so much better than me.

God, she must regret this marriage.

If only there was some way for me to walk again.

Wait a minute, what am I saying?

There's nothing wrong with me. I'm no different than any other guy.

Joe, would you put on your hand shoes and take out the garbage?

Thank you.

Hey, thanks for coming with me, Peter.

It sure would be wonderful if Dr. Hartman could help me walk again.

I'm sorry, Mayor McCheese,

but I'm not sure if any cosmetic surgery is even possible.

Look, if it's a financial issue...

No, it's not an issue of money.

Your head is a cheeseburger.

There's no blood flow to it. It's just... It's just dead cow meat.

All right. Well, I appreciate you giving it to me straight.

All right, then. Have a tasty afternoon.

Ah, there's a smile.

So, what can I do for you, Mr. Swanson?

Doc, I can't take it anymore.

I want to walk again. I'll do whatever it takes.

Well, there is a highly experimental new procedure.

It's essentially a leg transplant.

If you'd be willing to sign a waiver,

I think I may be able to help you.

You know, when you talk, you sound a lot like my father-in-law,

Carter Pewterschmidt.

Oh, that's funny. He's a patient of mine.

Here's my urine sample, Doctor.

Thank you, Mr. Pewterschmidt.

Hi, Peter.

You know, Peter says we sound alike.

Really? I don't hear it.

Actually, I think I do hear it now. Really?

Yeah, you know, we've never really had any extended interaction,

so I've never noticed it.

Hey, I think I hear it, too.

Seems lazy, doesn't it?

Well, there's only so many voices in the world,

some of them are bound to be similar.

Now, Mr. Swanson, through the magic of digital imaging,

we'll select the legs most suited to your body from our inventory of donors.

Hey, what about these?

Good choice.

These are the only ones we have in stock that aren't hilarious.

I'll take them.

Joe, you are gonna be happier

than bullfrogs on vacation in Ethiopia.

This is fantastic.

This is even better than they said it was in the brochure.

Oh, yeah. I feel like a pig, but, come on, we're on vacation.

Exactly. Don't hate yourself. We're on vacation, right?

Yeah. I hear Madonna's raising this guy's kid.

Now, just relax, Mr. Swanson,

and let the anesthetic do its job.

All right, Doc, I trust you. Good.

Now, I'll just pop in the how-to video, and we'll get started.

What?

Mie Farr, and you're about to perform leg surgery.

First off, what's your name?

Dr. Hartman.

Great name, but I'm gonna call you "pal".

No!

He's been in there an awful long time.

I hope everything's all right.

My Joe's a fighter. He'll come out of this.

Gentlemen, I give you the new Joe Swanson.

Well, what do you think? Wow!

You look great, Joe. Holy crap!

That's fantastic!

They still got that new leg smell.

I put his old legs in a bag, if you want them.

Oh, great. You know, we'll take 'em home. We'll give 'em to Brian.

Come on, Joe. I'll drive you home.

Are you kidding?

I've got working legs for the first time in 15 years,

and I'm gonna use them. I'm walking home.

I'm sorry, Mr. Swanson, hospital rules.

You have to leave in a wheelchair.

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Get some! Get some! Yeah! Sex! Sex! Sex!

Oh, Joe, that was amazing.

I know. I was there.

My God, we haven't done it in so long. I'd forgotten how big you were.

I was gonna say the same thing to you.

Coming this fall on Fox, a new reality show,

Who Wants to Marry Corky from "Life Goes On"?

You won't believe what happened.

Come on, guys, let's go!

Go? Where are we going?

Listen, these new legs have given me my life back.

I want to do all the things I could never do when I was handicapped.

And you guys are my best friends.

I want you to experience it all with me.

You can count on us, Joe.

Hey, what'd you do with your old wheelchair?

I gave it away.

Whee!

My tulips! You dick.

Oh, this is great. I feel so alive. Come on, ladies.

Kick your high heels off and get moving. You guys are a disgrace.

Peter, this doesn't seem safe.

Yeah, I'm afraid I might...

Wow, thanks, Spider-Man.

Everybody gets one. Tell him, Peter.

Apparently, everybody gets one.

Bingo.

I don't know about this, Joe.

There is no fear in this dojo!

Joe, we don't even know what a dojo is.

There is no mercy in this dojo!

Joe, why don't you take it down a notch?

No mercy!

All right, we're gonna do it once more.

And this time, no mistakes. One, two, three, four.

♪ Good morning, good morning

♪ It's great to stay up late

♪ Good morning, good morning to you

♪ When the band began to play, the stars were shining bright

♪ But now the milkman's on his way

♪ It's too late to say goodnight

♪ So say good morning

♪ Good morning

♪ Sunbeams will soon smile through

♪ Good morning, good morning to you ♪

♪ Nothing could be grander than to be in Louisiana

♪ In the morning, in the... ♪

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought we were still going.

My God, Joe is running us ragged.

Yeah, I haven't been this exhausted since I had that job

as Jackee Harry's personal grocery shopper.

A pallet? Am I reading this right?

You need "a pallet of chocolate-covered pretzels"?

Where the hell am I supposed to...

And what is this? "A drum of grape jam"?

Is that... What is that...

Is that, like, a drum, like, they ship oil in? Is that...

And look at this one, "A desk of Cheez-Its."

A desk? Where were you getting these units of measurement from?

Mary...

That is still funny.

Okay. You stay right here, big funny gal.

I'll be right back with "a hammock of cake."

Yeah, Dave Matthews Live. I'll burn you a copy. Stay cool.

Hey, Joe, what you got there?

Mountain bike.

Joe, I don't know. I'm still chafed from that power walk.

Both of my inner thighs look like those big cherry Swedish Fish.

Don't worry. I'm not taking you pansies. I'm taking my new friends.

This is Parker, Quentin, and Portland.

Is Portland the black one?

Portland is the black one.

Joe, what the hell is this?

Well, Peter, I realized over the last few days

the only reason I hung out with you guys

is that I was crippled and you were lazy.

I decided it's time I got some friends more suited to my status.

But, Joe, we've been friends for years.

Hey, we all make mistakes.

Come on, dudes, let's go exercise.

Exercise! Yeah!

I'm gonna do sit-ups till l crap myself.

Joe just dumped us. He's gone.

And all we've got to remember him by are his old legs.

Okay, okay.

Peter, I wish you'd go over there and patch things up with Joe.

Hey, screw him, Lois.

He doesn't need us anymore, now that he's got his cool, new friends.

I tell you, those legs have turned him into a complete jerk.

It's like giving a monkey the keys to an amusement park.

How is that? How is what?

How is it anything like a monkey having the keys to an amusement park?

I don't know. The hours would be erratic.

Maintenance would probably suffer to some degree.

The prizes for games of chance would all be bananas.

Lois, don't call me on this stuff, all right? Just go with it.

Support me in these moments. I'm hurt. I lost my buddy.

Well, Peter, there have been a lot of changes in Joe's life,

and maybe he just needed to move on.

If I were you, I'd look for a new friend.

A kindred spirit, like Judas found in Pontius Pilate.

You know, sometimes, I feel like someone should just

crucify Jesus of Nazareth. Crucify Jesus of Nazareth.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Shut up. No, you shut up.

I'm Judas. Pontius.

This is so weird, because just today I was thinking

about how I wanted to find the son of God and nail him to some wood.

Well, let's go find him and kick his ass.

That sounds swell.

♪ I think I'll go for a walk outside now

♪ The summer sun's calling my name ♪

So, do you really think you're suited to be

the fourth guy in our group, Buzz Killington?

Yeah, I mean, we mainly just sit here in the booth and crack jokes,

but you're kind of a buzz kill.

Oh, on the contrary. I've quite a mastery of the humorous yarn.

Do any of you know the tale of how cornmeal came to be?

No. No.

Uh-uh. No. Neither did the miller

when he left his house that morning.

We got to get Joe back.

Joe, please, can't we talk about this?

There's nothing to talk about.

I've outgrown you, Bonnie.

I need to spread my legs and fly.

Keep the kid.

Joe, what the hell? You're leaving Bonnie?

Out of my way, Peter!

Me and my new friends are gonna go surf-gliding

and try to somehow work a mountain bike in there.

You've changed, Joe, like I did when I went through puberty.

Hey, you guys feel like playing some baseball?

Excuse me, I'm gonna go masturbate.

And then the bastard completely blew me off

to hang out with those new douche bags.

Peter, we got to do something.

You're right, Cleveland.

Boys, there's only one answer. We got to re-cripple Joe.

It's the right thing to do, like taking out Hitler.

See? We had a plan for that all along.

Bye, new awesome friends.

Bonnie, I forgot my Soloflex.

Yo, Joe.

What the hell are you doing here, pansy?

We're gonna break your legs, Joe.

It's for your own good.

Come on, guys, get him!

All right, then.

Bonnie. What the hell? Put my gun down.

Not until I have my husband back!

My perfect ass!

Oh, I'm sorry, Joe. I was aiming for your spine.

Damn it!

Joe, I'm so sorry. I'm a terrible shot.

For God's sake, just give me the gun. I'll do it myself.

Boy, we really did a number on each other.

You know, I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to you guys.

I was acting like a first-class jackass.

I hope that you can forgive me.

Oh, it's just good to have our old Joe back.

And once our injuries heal up, we can all go for a nice, long walk.

All right! Yeah!

Wait a minute...

♪ Joke's on you ♪