Original subtitles

(Typing)

Who is it?

- Oh, you're not intimidated, huh? - Oh, come on, Ken.

You're forgetting I'm one half of the world's greatest mystery writing team.

You don't have gloves on, your finger's not on the trigger

and there are no bullets in the cylinder.

You're right. I'm a lousy practical joker.

What are you doing here with that thing?

I was on my way down to the cabin. I thought I could use it for protection.

- Also came by to apologise. - For what?

For blowing my cork the other day. I got out of line.

Forget it. That happens.

Nah. Shouldn't happen. Not between you and me.

So, believe it or not, sir, this is a peace pipe.

Bottoms up, Jim.

In the middle of the morning?

Oh, come on. Relax. It's Saturday.

And in the mystery writer's soul, it is always the middle of the night.

(Cork pops)

A toast.

Dear sir...

I give you... our divorce.

Well, it's not really a divorce.

Sure it is. Come on. Let's be honest.

I mean, there's no alimony, but it is a termination.

Ah, yes. And our dear little children.

All 15 of them.

50 million copies.

To the lady who made it all possible, the greatest sleuth in the world,

Mrs Melville, whom we brought to life and now we're about to bury.

Come on, Ken. You're making me feel guilty. All I want to do is write on my own.

You're right. I am being selfish.

OK, my boy. My blessings on your solo flight.

Thanks. I appreciate it.

(Ken) After all, friendship is more important than partnership. Right?

Here's to our friendship.

Right.

And now, sir, I'm gonna kidnap you.

- What? - The aforementioned cabin.

It has been finished for six months. You're gonna be my first male guest.

- I can't, Ken. Not now. - Why can't you?

- It's in San Diego. - It's a couple of hours' drive.

I'll have you home before midnight.

I promised Joanna I'd take her to dinner and a show.

That's easy. Pick up the phone and say, "I'm working late at the office."

We'll get there, uncork another bottle and go fishing.

- Well... - You know what your trouble is?

- You're afraid to unwind for a day. - I'm not.

Well, prove it. Come on. If you want some justification,

you're doing it as a favour for me.

At least give me a chance to bury the hatchet with some style.

You just don't drop your partner, then turn down his invitation all in one week, do you?

Actually, the timing isn't bad. I was finishing the final chapter.

Mrs Melville's last case.

We ought to send that broad some flowers.

I made a list of things I'd like to take from the office.

You want to take a look at it?

- I don't get it. It's a list of names. - Oh, I'm losing my mind.

It's the wrong one. I must have left the other one at the house.

Uh... Oh, I am losing my mind.

- What's the matter? - I left my lighter in the office.

- Do you need it? - That's my security blanket.

I'll only be a minute.

And to think I had to talk you into this trip.

- Ah, Jim, smell that air. - How far is the cabin?

It's not far. About an hour. We have to skirt San Diego.

I'll only be a minute. I have to get supplies.

Can you hand me that book in the glove compartment?

- Hey, it's one of ours. - The boss lady here's a big fan of ours.

I've been promising this for months. The price of fame.

- You want me to come with you? - No. I'll only be a minute.

Miss La Sanka!

- Anybody home? - In a minute!

Mr Franklin!

Oh, my planets must be in the right house!

Not only that, but they're working overtime.

- I have a surprise for you. - Pour moi?

- Pour moi. - "Prescription: Murder."

"A Mrs Melville thriller, by James Ferris and Ken Franklin."

- Oh, take a look at the first page. - You signed it? You dear man.

Well, Mr Franklin! I'd rather have the storyteller than the story.

If you play your cards right and give me my groceries, someday you may have both.

- Empty promises. - Miss La Sanka.

- What do you need? - Just a few things for overnight, thanks.

Who is it this week? The blonde or the redhead?

Miss La Sanka. I'm all alone this weekend.

Except for some contemplation, fishing and a refreshment of my spirit.

Could you break this for me? I need change for the phone. Thanks very much.

That'll do fine. Thank you.

Operator, I'd like to place a station-to-station call to Los Angeles. The area code is 213.

(Phone)

- Hello. - 'Joanna, it's Ken.'

Ken, I thought you weren't talking to us.

That's all patched up. As a matter of fact, I left Jim at the office a few hours ago.

- We signed the armistice. - Oh, that's a relief.

Joanna, I wouldn't mention it to him. I'm sure he'd like to surprise you himself.

'Join us for dinner. We'll celebrate.'

I'd love to, but I'm spending the weekend in San Diego at the cabin.

As a matter of fact, that's where I'm calling from.

- We'll do it another time. - 'Absolutely.'

Joanna, if you need to get in touch with me, you do know the number at the cabin?

- Right. - I'll see you in a few days. Fine.

Goodbye.

- Did you ever get a feeling of d�ja vu? - What?

Like you've done something before, but you know you haven't.

Why? What do you mean?

I'm getting it right now. It's strange.

You know I've never been here before.

Maybe in a previous incarnation, huh?

- Ken, it's fantastic. - The house that Mrs Melville built.

Wait till you see the inside.

- It's no wonder. - No wonder what?

- What woman could resist this setting? - Not very many. I promise you that.

- How about a drink, Jim? - More alcohol? No, thanks.

It'll corrupt me.

You're thinking about Joanna, aren't you?

Yeah. You know, just taking off like that.

She still expects me for dinner.

We can fix that. We'll put plan A into effect. Pick up the phone and call her.

- What am I gonna tell her? - The man is too square for words.

Look, you say you're working at the office. You're calling from the office.

She knows you have a deadline and are working late.

- How many times have you done that? - A couple of hundred.

Exactly. That's why she'll believe you.

Yeah, well, I just hate lying to her.

You're not lying. You're saving her anguish.

Now, call her so we can start enjoying ourselves.

OK.

- Operator, I'd like to make a collect... - Hold it.

It's a cinch. You have never cheated before.

If you want her to believe you're calling from the office,

you don't have the operator place the call.

You dial it direct. The area code is 213.

Hi, honey.

How are you? That's what I'm calling about.

Um... I'm at the office. I'm pretty well into this last chapter.

I'd like to work straight through. Yeah, I know.

I know. This'll be the last time. That I can...

- (Gunshot) - Jimmy! Jimmy!

Operator, get me the police.

(Phone rings)

Hello. Joanna?

What?

Joanna, will you take it easy? Now, say it again once more.

Are you sure?

Did you call the police?

Yes, yes, of course. I'll leave right away.

Joanna, please.

Take it easy. And don't worry.

I'm sure it's nothing but a practical joke.

Goodbye.

I know it's insane.

And I just keep thinking of the clich�s and...

Jim and Ken wrote this scene in their books a hundred times.

Look at it this way. Maybe he isn't dead. Now, there's no body, no blood...

No! He was shot! I know it!

- I heard it on the phone. - Are you sure it was a gunshot?

This place was searched. Papers on the floor. Do you know why?

- No, I have no idea why. - Did you notice anything special missing?

- No, no, no. - Are you sure it was his voice?

Yes, I know it was his voice, and maybe somebody...

- Was he under any kind of extra pressure? - No. Maybe somebody was...

- Did he say where he called from? - Yes.

He said he was calling from the office. He said, "I'm calling from the office."

I really don't care if anything was missing.

I just want to find out what happened to my husband.

- Are you sure it was his voice? - I know it was his voice.

- Are you sure it was a gunshot? - Yes.

- Would you like a glass of water? - Yes, I would like... Really, please.

Cos I really feel stupid and I just really want to clear my head. OK.

(Clunking)

I think that's out of order. The trouble with these buildings is the fountains never work.

Then you have to use the coffee machine.

And then you lose your dime and the coffee's lousy.

- Who are you? - I'm just another cop.

My name's Columbo. I'm a lieutenant.

- Were you in there... - I got the proof right here.

You didn't see me in there because I left before you got in there. And you know why?

It's so smoky and so noisy in there that I had to come outside and get a breath.

- I'd better get back. - Wait a minute.

Let me tell you something. You look very tired to me

and I think you had a terrible experience in there.

And I think I ought to drive you home. Let's call it a night.

Don't you think they want to ask me questions?

I don't think they'll mind. You've answered enough questions.

I'll call them and I'll tell them you're with me.

What about Ken? Why isn't Ken here? I don't know why he isn't here.

Is that Mr Franklin, the other half of the writing team?

(Sniggers)

Yeah, the other half of the team.

That's what I like about these buttons. You don't have to push 'em.

They go off with the heat of your hand.

I bet you haven't had anything to eat.

You're a very nice man, Lieutenant, but I'm not really hungry.

I'll tell you, Mrs Ferris, I'm the worst cook in the world.

But there's one thing I do terrific and that's an omelette. Even my wife admits it.

- I need something for the eggshells. - Over there in that cabinet.

- I'm really not hungry. - Listen. You'll take a taste.

If you don't like it, you throw it away.

I'll tell you what the secret is to a good omelette. No eggs. Just milk.

- Skillet? - Over there.

You're a very persuasive man, Lieutenant.

Maybe I should hold up my end and make the coffee.

I need cheese and onions and butter.

Cheese... I need something to grate the cheese.

Over there in the cupboard.

Right.

What did they do with him, Lieutenant?

I don't know, ma'am.

There was no body in the office. Could that mean he isn't dead?

That's hard to say. It's bothering me, too.

It doesn't make sense unless it's a kidnapping.

You don't shoot a victim first, do you?

- Why'd you laugh before? - When?

When I asked you if Mr Franklin was the other half of the writing team.

- Did I laugh? - Yep.

Maybe it was the way you put it.

Writing team. Maybe I shouldn't say it,

but Ken hasn't written a word of a Mrs Melville novel in years.

Mrs Melville? Who's Mrs Melville?

The character that Jim and Ken created.

The one who solves all the crimes brilliantly.

Well, why did your husband put up with it?

What I mean is, him doing all the work.

Well, there were compensations.

Ken did the publicity, went on all the talk shows

and he did interviews and cultivated the film people.

He contributed. He just didn't do any of the writing.

Boy, I'll tell you, I'd love to be a writer. That's a terrific talent.

Where did he get all the ideas?

Oh, from almost anything.

People. Magazines.

Conversations.

I'm constantly finding scraps of paper and old matchbook covers

all over the house with notes and ideas.

And those were mysteries, too, weren't they, huh?

They're tricky. I'll tell you that. I could never figure those things out.

Well, it got harder. Maybe that's why he decided to go out on his own.

- Really? I didn't know that. - He wanted to do some serious work.

No kidding?

How did Mr Franklin take that?

Not very well.

But he'll get over it.

- Gee, I'd hate to be in his shoes. - Why?

You got a writing team, they're famous, they break up and what happens?

One fella continues writing books and the other just stops.

That's what I keep telling Jim, that sooner or later, people are bound to find out.

- That your husband did all the writing? - Mm.

Kind of tough on Mr Franklin's ego.

(Doorbell)

- Oh, Ken. - Jo. I know, I know. Just take it easy.

I drove up here as fast as I could.

- Is there anything new? - No, not yet.

Jo, it's incredible. I just saw him this morning at the office.

Oh, I'm sorry, Ken. Lieutenant Columbo, Mr Franklin.

- How are you doing? - No, the question is, how are you doing?

Well, I'm afraid we just got started.

Has Jim been found yet?

Has he been found yet? Why? Did somebody tell you he was gone?

I just spent several hours driving up here from San Diego.

This story is on every news station.

Right. Yeah. Gee, I should have thought of that.

- Well, has he been found? - Gee, I'm afraid not.

- Were you visiting friends in San Diego? - He has a place there, a cabin.

Oh, away for the weekend. Gee, that's nice.

Could we get back to my question? Have you come up with any leads, clues?

- It's a little early for that. - Early?

Seems to me your men are standing around just marking time.

- Could I have a drink, love? - I could use one myself.

Thanks.

I'll tell you something, Lieutenant. See, if Mrs Melville were on this case,

she'd be leaps and bounds ahead of you.

- Is that the lady in the books? - That's right.

You see, she would have figured out that this is not just someone missing.

This is a professional killing.

Aha. Here it is.

- Take a look at that. - Put it on the desk.

Just drop it. Cos of the fingerprints.

Jim's fingerprints are all over that. So are mine.

- What is it? - What's it look like?

It's a list of names. Look at that. Mustel, Delgado, Hathaway, Westlake.

Sound familiar?

- Yeah, kind of. - Well, they should.

That's some of the top men in organised crime on the West Coast.

- LA, Vegas, Frisco... - I don't understand.

Well, it's painfully obvious. One of these men had Jim killed.

Really? Why?

Tell me something. How long have you been a lieutenant?

Mrs Melville would have put that together like that.

Look, I'm willing to take all the help I can get.

Let me see if I can explain it to you.

My partner and I decided to split, go our separate ways.

- Joanna must have mentioned that. - She said something about that.

Did she also mention the fact that Jim wanted to do some serious writing?

- Hey. Wait a minute. - Dawning on you now?

- Yeah. - But that's only the tip of the iceberg.

Jim was researching a complete and factual expos� of all West Coast organised crime.

He was going around asking embarrassing questions.

Probing. Compiling dossiers. That's why they searched this office.

Apparently, they got everything but that list.

And you think one of them put out a contract on him?

Word got around that Jim was compiling this information.

They couldn't buy him off, so what do they do?

They chose the usual alternative.

Professional killing, huh? But if that's true, why did they get rid of the body?

Who knows? But remember, without a corpus delicti,

you can't prove a murder was committed.

Why would a professional killer care?

He's already on a plane back from where he came.

I can't answer all your questions. I've given you a list of likely suspects.

A clear motive. Isn't that enough to start with?

That's plenty. And believe me, I'm very grateful for all the help you've given me.

- Gee, that's funny. - What?

This thing is folded lengthwise, like someone was carrying it in their pocket.

So?

If he typed that on that typewriter, and I'll run a check on that,

why would he fold it up before he put it in that drawer?

- Oh, I'm beginning to like you. - Why is that?

Because you're finally beginning to think like Mrs Melville.

Unfortunately, Jim used to fold up a piece of paper and use it as a bookmark, you know.

However interesting your observation is, it only leads us far astray.

However, since you are beginning to learn how to emulate our dear lady,

I'm gonna give you something that you richly deserve,

a chance to read some of our books.

- That's very nice. - Didn't expect gifts tonight, huh?

Thank you. Maybe I can pick up a few pointers.

Oh, I'm sure you can.

- Could you handle some more? - All right.

- Here you go. And an extra. - That's very nice.

- That should keep you busy. - It sure will.

- Anything else, Lieutenant? - I don't think so. I'll let you get some sleep.

That's very nice of you. I hope I was of some help.

- You certainly were. - Good night, Lieutenant.

Good night, sir. Oh, Mr Franklin.

Actually, there is one thing, not that it makes that much difference.

What is it?

When Mrs Ferris told you her husband got shot,

you jumped in a car and drove back to LA, is that right?

- That's right. - You know, me, I'd have taken a plane.

It's a big airport and they run every half-hour. It'd have been a lot faster.

Well, that's true, but in a situation like that, who thinks clearly?

Look at it this way. You add up all the time it takes to drive to and from an airport,

how much time do you really save?

Hmm.

Operator, would you get me the police, please? Thank you.

Lieutenant Columbo, please.

Yes, thank you. I'll wait.

Columbo, this is Franklin.

I think you'd better get over here right away.

937 Skyview Drive. It's an emergency.

(Police radio)

(Woman) '3-A-1 to City Hall.'

'3-1 to the main jail. 1-A-7, clear...'

'1-L-10 MPs have been notified. Do you still request a radio unit?'

(Man) 'All units in the vicinity...'

When I got home, there he...

there it was, right in the middle of the lawn.

Terrible thing to come home to.

The funny thing is, I kept hoping or I was sure that Jim was still alive.

Poor Joanna.

Every time I think of feeling sorry for myself, I think of how much she had to lose.

Look at 'em!

Vultures!

Lieutenant, you mind if I go inside? I can't stand to watch them... gape.

You mind if I come with you? There's no lining on this coat and I'm a bit chilly.

I don't mind.

(Phone)

Hello.

Yes, this is Mr Franklin.

What? No comment.

You've gotta be kidding. You want an interview now?

A gentleman of the press.

I'm afraid you're gonna get a lot of that.

I'm sorry. I'm forgetting my manners. Would you like a drink?

Yeah. Maybe a drop of bourbon.

Bourbon.

Boy, this is quite a place.

Is this a copy?

Hardly. It's an original.

Gee, I thought they only hung this stuff in museums. You own this?

Mrs Melville has been very kind.

Boy. Quite a place. Gee whizz.

And you got that other place in San Diego.

Gee, the upkeep alone must be...

- I manage to scrape by. Your drink. - Thank you.

There's one thing I don't understand. Maybe you can help.

If a fella's partner dies, does he own the other fella's half of the books, half of the...

- Royalties? - Yeah.

No. They go into the deceased's estate.

That leaves you out in the cold, doesn't it?

Unless, of course, you insured each other.

Lieutenant, aren't we going a bit far astray?

You're right. We shouldn't be talking about this now. It's not the time.

So, Mr Franklin, tell me,

why do you think that they left your partner's body on the lawn?

Do you mean to tell me you haven't figured that out?

Lieutenant, you disappoint me.

- It was left as a warning. - A warning?

Of course. It also proves my theory about it being a professional killing.

See, the moment they dropped Jim's body in the middle of that lawn...

Please, sit down.

You know what they were saying? That this could happen to you.

Unless you stop in your partner's research.

- They're trying to scare you. - Exactly.

Right. So what are you gonna do?

Are you gonna continue writing the book?

No, that's the irony of it. That was Jim's pet project, not mine.

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

I guess they didn't know you two were gonna split up.

Nah. Even if they did, it wouldn't have done Jim any good.

I must say, Lieutenant, you're up against a dead end.

Look at this. You got a body, you got a motive,

but you're never gonna find that killer.

It's not gonna be easy.

I'll lay you 5 to 1 it was someone in Las Vegas or Miami.

Picked up a phone and put out a contract.

Right.

How you're gonna make a case, much less solve one, is beyond me.

I know. I guess the only thing I can do is check out every name on that list.

Know what's gonna happen? Every one of them is gonna deny Jim even existed.

Right.

- I must say I don't envy you. - I don't envy myself.

I got a lot of phone calls to make. I'd better get on it.

- All the luck. - Thanks. Thanks a lot, Mr Franklin.

I'm very sorry about what happened tonight.

- Thank you. - Right.

You, uh...

- You will keep me posted, Lieutenant? - Oh, yes, I will.

There's one thing I'm not clear about. But that can wait. You wanna go to bed.

Lieutenant, I'm not gonna get any sleep anyway. What is it?

Would you go over for me once again

exactly what happened when you came home tonight?

Sure. I've already told you, but the moment I saw Jim's body in the middle of the lawn,

I came in here and I picked up the phone and I called you.

I mean, it's a purely reflexive action.

Uh-huh. Right. Uh-huh.

- That's fine. - Wait. You look like you're troubled.

Is there some reason for your question?

- It's your mail. - My mail?

Isn't it funny how people are different?

Now, me, if I found my partner dead, I'd never think of opening my letters.

But I... I just did it to distract myself.

I mean, you got to remember one thing, that's a great shock.

Yeah. Oh, that's understandable. And bills are distracting.

Listen, if anything comes up, I'll call you right away.

- Good night. - Good night.

- I'm gonna have a hot dog. - I guess I will, too.

No, no, Mr Tucker. You put that away. This one's on me.

May I have a receipt, please?

All right. You're bribing me with a handsome lunch.

- What can I do for you? - This is about an insurance policy.

Excellent. It's about time you came to me. I can give you a package...

This is an insurance policy that was already written.

- Oh, this is official business. - Yeah.

There are two mystery writers, Ken Franklin and James Ferris.

Your company wrote a policy on them?

We like to cooperate with the police,

but if you want confidential information, I'm afraid...

Look, I don't want to cause you any trouble.

Maybe it would be more helpful if I got a court order?

Oh, Ken, it was simply marvellous. I was terrified.

Oh, really? I had the whole thing figured out by the end of the first act.

Oh, you did? I was completely fooled. You must have a devious mind.

No. It's because you're young.

Always remember one thing, my love. The moment a man mentions a long-lost twin,

you can inevitably know that it's going to be some impersonation.

It's an old plot trick.

Mr Franklin!

Yoo-hoo! Over here!

Who's that?

Someone that should be somewhere else. Excuse me a moment.

Miss La Sanka, what a pleasant surprise.

- What brings you to the big city? - Oh, I came in to do a little shopping.

- You like my dress? - It's lovely.

See a play.

- She's a beauty, Mr Franklin. - Yes, she is. Thank you.

- I haven't seen her before, have I? - No, I don't believe you have.

Well, it's lovely to see you.

I hope you won't think I'm being forward,

but is there any chance of our having a drink together?

I'd love to, really, but the young lady and I are gonna have a late supper.

I think you might want to cancel it.

Just why would I want to do that?

Because we really should have a discussion.

- Perhaps some other time. - All right.

I suppose I'll have to find someone else to tell my story to.

It's a mystery story. Very interesting. Really.

It's all about this witness.

- Just wait here. I'll be right back. - Anything you say, Mr Franklin.

Oh, wow! I just can't resist strawberries.

I'm glad you like them.

You're making me nervous.

- That's quite a stare. - I'm sorry. I can't help it.

I've never seen you outside that store before. You're very lovely.

- May I call you Lilly? - Yes, please do.

- How did you enjoy the play tonight? - I thought it was predictable. You?

- I like your books much more. - That's very flattering.

But you said something before about your story or something about a witness.

Oh, yes. Well, actually, it's a true-to-life story.

The best kind.

- It concerns your partner. - Jim? What about him?

Well, I read in the papers about his death and I felt just terrible.

Thank you.

I felt just terrible, because they said he was killed in his office.

- So they did. - Well...

In my story, you see, he couldn't have actually been killed in an office,

because he was somewhere else.

Just for a moment, let's forget about your story and let's talk about real life.

- It is simpler, isn't it? - Much.

I'll tell you honestly, Ken.

I was very confused when I saw the papers,

because when you were in my store making a phone call the other day,

I wandered over to the side window to see if you had brought a lady with you.

You didn't believe me when I said I was alone.

I believed you. It's just that...

I'm very interested in you, Ken.

Well, anyway, you can imagine my surprise when I saw your partner.

There he was, big as life, sitting there in the front seat of your car.

- And that disturbed you, huh? - Oh, not at that time.

Only later.

And then I debated with myself for days, whether to come and see you or not.

- Why didn't you go to the police? - Oh, Ken.

- I wouldn't want to get you into trouble. - Of course not. All right, Lilly. How much?

- I hope you don't think that's the... - No. I don't think anything.

I'll tell you something. I'm most grateful you came to me first.

Know why? Because I think we can reach an equitable agreement.

I do so admire your candour.

It isn't easy for me, a widow running a small country store, trying to make ends meet.

I can understand that. I also recognise in you a woman of... some breeding.

I mean, you're not just a common... blackmailer.

I'm so glad you're understanding.

Very well, Lilly. How much for your silence?

$15,000? I... Oh! I know it's a lot, but that's all I'll ever ask for. Honestly.

- And I'm a woman of my word! - I know and I respect you for that.

And you know what? In that spirit, I accept your terms. Agreed?

Agreed.

I know you won't take offence when I say it's a pleasure doing business with you.

No, no. My pleasure.

(Doorbell)

- Yes? - Is Mr Franklin home?

He's occupied. Who shall I say is calling?

- Lieutenant Columbo. - Oh. Won't you come in and wait?

- Thank you. - He'll be with you shortly.

- (Man) Only a few more. - (Camera clicks)

Thanks, Mr Franklin. I think we're about finished.

If you can bear a few more photographs.

Fire away.

After all, your magazine was kind to us during our lean years.

That's the second reason I granted the interview.

- Oh? What was the first? - The charm of the interviewer.

Thank you.

(Thump)

Yes, Lieutenant. Is there something I can do for you?

Yeah, if you have a moment.

That's about all I do have. As soon as I finish here, I'll be right with you.

Is there anything else, Miss... May I call you Gloria?

Please do. Just one last question.

We want to know how your partner's death will affect the Mrs Melville books.

When I buried Jim, I buried Mrs Melville with him.

I understand. But everyone will miss her so. Can't you write another one?

Oh, I could, naturally, but what's the point?

With Jim gone, there wouldn't be much reason.

No, I'm afraid Mrs Melville has solved her last case.

Actually, I've been seriously debating as to whether I'd ever want to write again.

- Well, I hope you do. - Thank you. That's very kind of you.

- Now, if you don't mind. - Of course. Let's go, Harvey.

Perhaps, under better circumstances,

less harassed circumstances, I could give you a more detailed interview.

- Even in more depth. - That'll be nice.

- Shall I call you? - Yes. Please do. Next week.

Goodbye.

Oh, sorry, Harvey. Thanks very much.

Lieutenant, what can I do for you?

Well, I brought back your books.

That's fine. Just put 'em over there on the table.

Yeah. Sure. I wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed 'em.

I think they're the most terrific... Boy, I wanna...

Listen, I'll come back. I'll make two trips.

But the lady detective, what a character. What a brain. And what logic!

- The way she figures it out! - Lieutenant.

I'd love to sit and discuss literature with you, but I was on my way out.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bother you. You going someplace special?

Yes, I'm on my way down to my cabin for a rest.

- Would you like an itinerary? - Hey, I'm sorry. I'm makin' a pest of myself.

- No. - Yes, yes, I am. I know.

It's because I keep askin' these questions, but I'll tell you, I can't help myself.

It's a habit. I take it you're not goin' alone.

- Whatever gave you that idea? - I noticed the two bottles of champagne.

Oh, those. Oh, I'm quite capable of drinking those two bottles

and a good deal more without any help.

Now, if you'll excuse me, Lieutenant.

Yeah. Listen, unless you just wanna take a second

to know how we're progressing on your partner's list.

Oh? Anything concrete?

No, not a thing. Just like you predicted.

Everyone said they never even heard of James Ferris.

That's just as I expected. Well, it was lovely to chat with you, Lieutenant.

- Mr Franklin? - Yeah?

- Do you have a minute? - Is it important?

It could be. You see, I was checking the phone company records in San Diego.

Why would you want to do that, Lieutenant?

I have to do that. It's part of my job. I got to tie up loose ends.

Anyway, on the day of the murder, there was a record of a call from the cabin.

It was a call to the Ferris house in Los Angeles.

I see. And now you're wondering whether I can explain that. Is that right?

- I'm sure you can. - You're right. I can.

But you would've saved us a great deal of trouble if you'd checked with Joanna first.

She would've explained I'd spoken to her,

telling her Jim and I had patched up our differences.

What do you mean by differences?

You see, ironing out any difficulties in a separation is never easy.

I knew Joanna would be concerned, and I wanted to put her mind at ease.

Can you understand that?

- Yeah, that's understandable. - Fine. Is that all?

- Yes, that's all. Right. - Good.

Listen. Enjoy your trip.

Thanks very much.

And drive carefully.

Don't worry, Lieutenant. You can count on it.

And... here you are!

Bearing gifts.

- And more gifts. - Why, Mr Franklin, how lovely.

- Ken. - Yes, of course. Ken.

Now, Lilly, let me ask you a simple question.

You up to making a nice, quiet dinner for two tonight?

Here's to... prosperity.

And romance.

A daily double.

I must say, Lilly, that was a magnificent meal. Where'd you learn to cook so well?

My late husband, may he rest in peace, was a professional chef.

Wonderful man.

He taught me all I know.

Well, he taught you well.

Thank you, sir.

- A refill? - Oh, sorry.

Oops!

We're all out.

- Let's open another one. - Dare we?

Dare we not?

Here we go. Happy New Year!

Quick, the glass.

Delicious! But I'm afraid I'm getting a little tipsy.

What's wrong with that?

I don't know if I can trust you.

Now, is there any reason not to?

If I make you uncomfortable, I can always leave.

No. Please. I do enjoy your company.

- You know what we should do? - What?

It's such a beautiful night, we should row out to the centre of the lake

and... go for a swim.

- Sounds nice. - It is nice. Shall we?

- Better not. - Why not?

I trust you, Ken, really, but we all have our dark sides, don't we?

Just wouldn't be very intelligent of me to be alone with you in a small boat.

After all, you might start having second thoughts about the money.

I wish you hadn't said that, Lilly.

That kind of talk hurts me deeply.

I'm going to tell you something - and I shouldn't.

But I'll tell you why, because I trust you.

I was prepared to give you considerably more than you asked for.

15,000, I mean, I've lost that much gambling in one night.

Well, it certainly is a great deal of money to me.

What do you think you'll do with all of it?

I don't know. Put it in the bank, I guess.

But not right away.

Oh! I just want to look at it for a while.

Better be careful. Someone might rob you.

I'll just keep it for a day or two.

I've never seen so much money in my life.

Maybe... Maybe you could take a trip somewhere, huh?

I may. I've always wanted to go on a cruise.

Oh, cruises. They're so romantic.

Did I tell you that my late husband was in the merchant marines?

Is that a fact?

They're the ones who taught him how to cook. I almost wish he were here now.

He could share this with me.

Or maybe we can do the next best thing.

Who did you say it is?

The cops said it was a local woman. Some kind of drowning.

(Radio) '12-A-15, clear. 12-A-17, are you clear?'

'12-A-17, clear. 12-A-15, stand by.'

'1-L-10, MPs have been notified.'

(Whistles)

Mornin'!

Lieutenant Columbo, you turn up at the oddest times.

Listen, I hope you don't mind my comin' in that way,

but the door was open and I let myself in.

No. Did you get here by magic carpet? I didn't see your car.

I pulled around back and I put it in the shade.

- The sun raises hell with the paint. - Sensible.

What brings you up here to the wilds?

I heard you and Mrs Ferris talk so much about this place

and you made it sound so terrific,

and believe me, you weren't exaggerating,

because this is magnificent.

And since I got a two-week vacation comin' up,

I said to myself, "Go on down there, check out the area, look to see."

"Maybe you can rent a cabin."

You're not gonna tell me you drove down here

just to look for a vacation spot, are you?

Why else would I come?

You're wasting your time.

I have a feeling that cabins in this neck of the woods are out of your price range.

Most of them are rented for the season.

Oh, gee whizz. That's too bad.

Gosh, my wife is gonna be disappointed.

- Well, it was a nice ride, anyhow. - Yes, a lovely drive.

Except for that bottleneck down the road. What was that all about?

- Oh, there was a drowning. - What was it? A fisherman?

I heard someone say it was a local woman.

- A Miss La Sanka or something? - Something like that, yeah.

- Did you know her? - Not really.

I was wondering, because in the kitchen, I noticed a grocery box with her name on it.

I occasionally buy supplies there, like anyone else who lives around here.

I think she was the one that drowned. Yeah.

Cos I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some cigars

and I noticed it was closed and the cops' cars around.

Well, if it was her, I'd be very sorry.

- She was always very friendly. - Yeah. That's a shame.

Oh, you did know her?

I know a lot of people without really knowing them,

like barbers, waitresses, parking lot attendants,

even the cop on the beat.

- Don't you? - Yeah. Yeah, I do, as a matter of fact.

I'll tell you, though. People are strange. I can't figure 'em out.

Why a woman goes out on a lake all by herself before the light comes up.

Oh, there's nothing unusual about that. A lot of us go out early.

It's peaceful and kind of makes you feel like you're... plugged in to nature.

- Know what I mean? - Yeah. Yeah.

You came down here to get away from things and I'm just takin' up your time.

- I didn't mean to bother you. - No. It's no bother at all.

I'd be glad to let you have a bathing suit, but you don't look like the athletic type.

Well, it's my wife that's the athlete.

- Oh? - Yeah.

So you don't think I'm gonna be able to find a cabin to rent, huh?

Best bet is to check with some of the local real estate people.

I think it'd be fun to be neighbours for a couple of weeks.

What kind of nightlife do you have here?

Nightlife? None.

- No partying? - Just sleep and crickets.

I was wonderin', because I didn't want to barge in on you today unannounced.

I don't follow you.

Last night I called to tell you that I was comin', but there was no one at home.

You a reporter?

No. Lieutenant, uh... Columbo.

Police.

LA unit.

- LAPD. - Yeah.

- What brings you down here? - I'm workin' on a case.

This is not really my jurisdiction, but do you mind if I browse around?

Help yourself, Lieutenant. Always glad to cooperate.

- Didn't she have a bruise on her head? - How'd you know that, Ben?

- Come on, Sergeant. Doc Webster told us. - All right, there was a bruise.

Probably as a result of the boat capsizing.

- Was she under the influence? - I can't say until we see an autopsy report.

- The doctor's working on it. - Sounds like drinking.

- Could she swim? - I don't know. I wasn't married to her.

- Any living relatives? - I don't think so. She was a widow.

- What about the rowboat? - What about it?

Who'd it belong to? Where'd it come from?

It belonged to the deceased. Witnesses saw her take it out on the lake.

(Man) Think she wanted some fresh air?

(Sergeant) This is all conjecture. Maybe she did. Who knows?

It's also possible that she had a heart seizure or she got dizzy.

- You think it was an accident? - I don't think it was foul play.

- You gonna be in your office? - Absolutely.

- How long was she in the water? - Wait till we get the report.

We're covering the same old ground. Meet me in my office in an hour.

- We got more questions. - I'll answer 'em then.

I'll have the reports and I'll be able to give more information.

"To my Lilly. Love always. Ken."

- I still don't know what this means. - It means that he knew her.

It means that he knew her not casually, the way he said.

- He knew her reasonably well. - All right.

You've got a romantic inscription in a book and a champagne cork.

- What does that prove? - By itself, it doesn't prove anything.

But once you assume Franklin committed these crimes, everything fits together.

I can't believe it. I've known Ken too long. He's not a murderer.

It wouldn't make any difference if you knew him for 100 years.

That wouldn't change anything. This man Franklin took your husband's life!

Do you have a match?

Help yourself. I don't smoke.

It doesn't make sense, Lieutenant! Ken has an alibi.

What's his motive?

I told you how he could've worked the phone.

Now, his motive is the insurance money. He needed cash.

He spent money like a drunken sailor. He had two houses.

He's got paintings. He's got women. He's got...

What?

"Jack and Jill went up the hill. Did Jack kill Jill? If so, find out why."

Jim. One of his story ideas.

Lieutenant, if Ken killed my husband, then why did he murder Miss La Sanka?

It's my hunch that she knew something.

Maybe she saw them and tried to blackmail him.

- But that's pure guesswork. - No, ma'am, it's not. Not quite.

I checked the bank. Yesterday, he took out $15,000.

Today, he put it back in again.

Now, why in the world would he do that?

All right. I'm still not convinced, but let's say I'll go along.

- What happens now? - I don't know.

I've got a strong circumstantial case. It's just not enough.

If I had one piece of hard evidence, I could nail this fella.

- But you don't. - That's right. I don't. That's why I'm here.

- Maybe you can give it to me. - Me?

You knew these fellas very well. I want you to tell me about 'em. Anything. Just talk.

Whatever comes into your mind.

Kind of like analysis without the couch. Would you like a little coffee first?

- That'd be fine. - OK.

I don't know what you're looking for, but here goes.

They met in a typewriter shop, of all places.

Jim had broken a key, and Ken needed a ribbon. Does that help?

Yeah. Keep goin'.

Well, I told you a lot about Jim.

He was brilliant, really. He'd wake up in the night with ideas, always throwing off sparks.

I remember he even did it on our honeymoon.

Funny thing is, Ken didn't even talk about the books, unless he was on television.

Is this truck moving my stuff out of suite 803?

- Yeah. - You almost finished?

- Haven't started. - What?

I'm only the driver. Ask the other two guys. They've been in there a half-hour.

A half-hour?

(Door opens)

Columbo.

Hi, Mr Franklin. Just finishing this last mystery. I didn't get a chance the other day.

What are you doing here?

- I was in the neighbourhood. - You're always in the neighbourhood!

What right have you got to keep those movers out of this office?

I'm sorry about that. It's just...

You know, I thought you and I should talk alone.

- You and I have nothing to talk about. - Yes, we do.

We have something to talk about. I'm here to arrest you for the murder of your partner.

- What? - I have to inform you of your rights.

Cut the drivel. I've written that so many times, I know it by heart.

What is this nonsense, you're going to arrest me?

Why don't you make a statement and save us both a lot of trouble?

You know, I've really got you.

All right, Lieutenant. You got me. I'm your prisoner. Here. Clamp the irons on me.

Give me a dime, so I can phone my attorney.

I promise you, I'm gonna sue your department

for false arrest and defamation of character.

I knew it right from the start.

It was nothing definite. It was a lot of little things.

Driving back from San Diego on the day of the murder instead of taking a plane,

the open mail, never showing emotion for a man you worked with for ten years.

With that, they're gonna laugh you right out of court.

But they won't laugh at the insurance policy.

I've got a photostatic copy of it in my pocket.

Will they laugh at the fact that you withdrew $15,000, put it back the next day?

I've got the book that you gave to Miss La Sanka with your signature in it.

You expect to get a true bill of indictment on that trivia? Come on, Lieutenant.

- I was down in San Diego. - So was your partner.

That's a provocative statement. Can you prove that?

Yes. Not with the witness, cos you killed the witness.

- But I got another way to prove it. - Enlighten me.

I enjoy watching a man raise without any cards in his hand.

You know what, Ken? I'm gonna tell you the truth.

For a while, I never thought I was gonna get you.

Believe me, you had me goin' in circles. I couldn't figure it out.

Suddenly, I thought of something, how clever that first murder was.

The phone gimmick, working late in the office.

- Brilliant. - Are you awarding gold medals?

Yes! For the first one, not for the second one. That was sloppy.

Mrs Melville, she'd have been disappointed.

Get to the climax. You're talking to a writer.

Am I? That's not what I heard.

And that's the key, that you're not a writer.

When Mrs Ferris told me you didn't contribute to the writing,

that her husband did all the work...

- That's a lie. ...I had to say to myself,

"How could a man with no talent for mysteries make up such a clever murder?"

If you were that ingenious, you'd be able to write your own books.

Go ahead. I'm fascinated, as boring as it may be.

Then I got it. The first one, the clever one, that wasn't yours.

The second one, the sloppy one, that was yours.

- But not the first. - Oh? And whose idea was that, then?

Your partner's. Had to be.

And his wife told me how conscientious he was.

The way he used to write down ideas on odd scraps of paper, backs of matches...

Ah! So that's why you wouldn't let the movers in.

I had to rummage around here before they emptied everything out.

Is this your partner's handwriting?

I think I can prove it is. Maybe I ought to read this to you.

"Idea for a Melville book, perfect alibi."

"A wants to kill B. Drives B to a remote house and has him call his wife in city."

"Tells her he's working late at the office. Bang, bang."

Sound familiar? That's the part you used.

Practically word for word.

Should I read some more?

- No. - (Door opens)

Officer. With this, I think I got a conviction, don't you?

You got to admit I had you going for a while, didn't I?

Yes, you did.

You wanna know the irony of all of this?

That is my idea, the only really good one I ever had.

I must have told it to Jim over five years ago.

Whoever thought that idiot would write it down?