Original subtitles

(WHIRRING)

(PEOPLE SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY)

CASH: Yeah, make way for the champ,

Billy Bot Thornton.

(DEEP VOICE) Mmm. Activate sling blade.

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

What the hell is that thing?

(NORMAL VOICE) Battle bot. I'm in a club, a bot club.

That's all I can tell you. Why is that?

First rule of bot club, you don't talk about bot club.

Second rule of bot club, you can tell girls,

'cause... 'Cause we need 'em.

Taking new members? I love robits.

First of all, it's robots. "Robits?" Who says that?

Second, you're an accountant.

(WHIRRING)

Later, civvy.

Uh, here are those, um,

T.P.S. report things that you wanted.

Yeah, uh, and, uh, here's those invoices.

Excellent. Thank you. That's great.

Cheers. Oh! Oh!

Sorry.

(BOT WHIRS)

Dude.

People gave more eye contact to Travolta

after Battlefield Earth.

What is the deal?

Yeah. This morning we had a very unfortunate roommate mishap.

(WATER RUNNING IN SHOWER)

(BOTH SCREAMING)

What are you doing in my shower?

Your shower? I'm the one who put the water on!

Stop looking at it!

It's looking at me.

So let me get this straight.

You got all naked, wet, and soapy

with the girl of my dreams this morning?

Technically.

I don't know whether to ask you for the dirty details

or just Texas Chainsaw your ass.

(WHIRRING RESUMES)

I can't believe you. (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Naked?

(WE GOT YOUR BACK PLAYING)

* We got your back

Great news, my little ponies!

I just scored us a $600 bottle of scotch

and sticks fresh off the boat.

Tonight's guys' night. Epic.

Drinks and smokes? Count me in.

Just let me power down my Activia,

get the old colon fired up, and then I am good to go.

Great. Well, we're just going through some inventory tonight.

We got a new shipment of U.V. remotes, ionizers,

and motion sensor trigger plates.

I'm out. No more bets. (CLICKS TONGUE)

I thought guys' night was ruined. How'd you do that?

Yeah, I got a new system for getting rid of Vee.

You just mention three technical terms

she doesn't understand, and poof! She skedaddles.

All right. I'm off to lunch.

(GASPS) Yummy yum-yums! Daddy, can I go?

Yes, yes, we can finally discuss

the infrared scopes, the tectonic plates,

and the chupacabra.

Good luck.

All right, boys, I'll see you at 1800 hours,

and I'm bringing a very, very special guest

that's going to blow your mind.

I'll give you a little hint. He's made of steel.

Hey, Oz, do you think you could keep

the cup for us for a couple days?

Yeah, we gotta run down to Mexico

to bail our brother out of jail.

(CHUCKLES) He punched a federale.

How'd you boys get the cup in the first place?

Well, we punched a guy.

You Hanson Brothers, you really like to punch guys, don't ya?

BOTH: It's what we do.

For the next 24 hours, we are going to guard this cup

with vigilance and respect.

Excuse me for not being excited about an oversized ice bucket.

Unless it has superpowers or transforms into a robot,

Cash won't appreciate it.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) CASH: You know, what I don't appreciate

is being put on blast by a bean counter.

I'm a C.P.A. C.P.A.?

What does that stand for, certified public anus?

Please! Stop ruining guys' night.

Guys' night? I love guys' night!

What are you talking about, brohams, huh?

I got this. We're discussing fiber optics,

onomatopoeia, the industrial revolution.

Oh, my God. I love all those things!

Well, that trick's dead. All right, boys.

Give us the roof. What?

You heard me.

Uh, but for her? Man.

The guys need this.

We spend all week doing damage control

for your screw-ups.

My screw-ups? Name one.

(WHIRRING)

Vee, have you seen the schematics for the new casino job?

Um...

I'm gonna need some tape.

Tried to back up the van,

but it went in the wrong direction.

(CHUCKLES) I'll move it!

Do not move the van!

It's like the movie Signs! (GEARSHIFT CLICKS)

You back up and my guts spill out!

Well, guess what?

Tomorrow the girls are having a girls' night.

Sounds like a great plan.

It is a great plan. You're not invited.

(LOWERED VOICE) Girls' night?

This is bad for you, dude.

If Molly knows what you're packing,

that means the rest of the women will, too.

How do you know?

My mom's book club. They spend five minutes

reading Anna Karenina, and the rest of the time

they're talking about you-know-what.

Girth, width, length, heft.

Oh, they're ruthless. (SIGHS)

Like I care about what a bunch of drunk girls

have to say about me or my body.

(WHISPERS) Oh, God. Please don't say anything.

(NORMAL VOICE) Please don't say anything.

Best girls' night ever!

(LAUGHS) Whoo!

Whoo! Yay!

Aah. Aah, aah, aah, aah! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh, sorry. I thought I ordered an iced tea.

Dude. (PANTS)

This is seriously messed up, man.

Look, I know this is a total invasion of privacy

and a misuse of company equipment.

Oh, I don't give a flying frack! I'm gonna frackin' die!

Can I jump in? I just have one copy to make. Kinda slammed today.

Slammed doing what, adding up pay stubs?

Your job can be done with a stick

and couple of beads. (CHUCKLES)

Really? You want to bring up the abacus? Not cool, man.

You know what's not cool? You!

That's it. You just got on my last nerve.

I'm officially gonna whup your butt.

(STUTTERS) Whup my what now?

Tomorrow. 3:00. Parking lot. You're going down.

(BUTTON CLICKS)

You, of all people, should know

what it feels like to be bullied.

I'm not a bully. I just relentlessly taunt him

because he's a math dork and he isn't cool like me.

He likes it. It's our thing.

I'm gonna die, aren't I?

Girls' night! Let's burn this bitch down!

Whoo! Yeah! (LAUGHS)

I know. I know. Let's play truth or dare.

Molly, truth or dare? Make out with me.

Um, oh, I actually didn't choose,

so I'll go for truth, please.

I truth you to make out with me.

VERONICA: Do it!

Dear God, this is so boring and creepy.

Just talk about my wiener already!

Okay! Check it out, people.

Oh, crap. What's happening? This is what the guys brought

to their stupid dong-apalooza.

I thought we could use it to spice things up.

And how exactly will it do that?

Dude! Is that the cup? The cup?

If you let me kiss it, drinks are on the house.

* Ta-da (CLICKS TONGUE)

WOMEN: (CHANTING) Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

(SLURPING) Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink! Drink!

(CHEERING)

Please, sir, can I have some more?

Oh, my God. This is gonna get ugly.

(ICE CUBES CLINK) (SLURRING) Okay, it's gossip time,

and I've got some.

Molly saw Cameron naked. (CHUCKLES)

(WOMEN HOOTING)

Please don't.

No. Please don't. I don't feel very comfortable

speaking about this right now.

So you saw his little weenie?

No. No, not little! She said, "Little?"

First of all, I never said it was little.

Thank you. Thank you. I love you! (WOMEN GASP)

So you're saying Cameron has a kickstand?

Well, no, not that either.

It's sort of exceedingly average.

Eh.

At this point, I'm starting to wish we never did

this whole Green Card marriage.

Everything is just so awkward now.

Okay, forget about all that. Do you think he's cute?

Well... Yes.

WOMEN: (SINGSONG) Ooh. Ooh!

(LAUGHS) VERONICA: Would you kiss him?

Well, I don't know. Maybe.

WOMEN: (SINGSONG) Maybe?

Maybe?

Here's a toast to the lovely peni of the world

and the useless things they're attached to.

What are those called?

WOMEN: Men! Whoo!

* Yeah, I got 'em Yeah, I got 'em

* Don't worry 'cause I got 'em

* My buzz is just alarmin', no snooze button on it

* Livin' every day's a gift, so I get everything I wanted

* She fallin' like a...

WOMEN: Go, Kyle! Go, Kyle!

We need seven tacos and a package of condoms!

* Cake'n up, cake'n up, cake'n up *

(DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY PLAYING)

(GRUNTING)

(SINGSONG) Good morning!

(NORMAL VOICE) Who's up for flapjacks

and Bloody Marys? (CHUCKLES)

Well, aren't you sweet?

I hope you don't mind, but I washed and dressed you.

Oh, gosh.

Well, I hate to break up the party,

but I feel like I'd better get back to the office

before Oz finds out that I took the cup.

Uh, Carol, where'd you put the cup?

Well, I know you had it at the bar,

but then you didn't have it afterwards

when we went to the rave or the cock fight

or when we were in the baseball field

with those Persian guys.

Ohh. (CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello? Morning, Vee. How are you doing?

Fantastic. Couldn't be better. (SLAPS THIGH)

Only thing is, I'm not exactly sure

where the cup is. (LAUGHS)

Fantastic! Great. Great.

What'd she have to say, Oz? Where's the cup?

No worries. She's just having it polished up for you.

You're gonna kill me, right?

(CHUCKLES) Yes. Yes, I am.

Okay, good. Appreciate your honesty.

Well, (CLEARS THROAT) it's been fun.

It'll be here at 9:00 a.m. tomorrow.

It better be.

'Cause if it's not, we're gonna punch everyone in the office.

Except you. We're kinda scared of you.

So, it's come to my attention that

there were some very serious threats made here yesterday.

Buddy?

(CHUCKLES) Not that I recall.

Please. You said, at 3:00, you were gonna whup my butt.

You know what? I happen to have

a pamphlet on resolving conflict in the workplace.

I think that really might help you guys.

You see that?

He just made the universal throat-slitting sign.

(CHUCKLES) You're paranoid, son. I was fixing my tie.

(LOWERED VOICE) Seriously, I think he's on drugs.

Drugs? BUDDY: Yeah.

Well, you know, I have two pamphlets on that.

(SMACKS) (WHISPERS) All right.

Oh! Look!

Right there. Right there.

He just punched his fist into his big, meaty hand!

(CHUCKLES) Are you crazy? That was just a bug

which I squished and destroyed.

Carol, how are you missing the subtext of this?

Clearly, I'm the bug in the scenario.

Are we done? (CHUCKLES) I've really got some work to do.

Till 3:00.

Tattletale.

(CLOCK TICKING)

(GULPS)

I can't believe you lost the cup.

Veronica, there are certain things

that are simply... (BLADE ZINGS)

...irreplaceable.

Um, uh, I have a suggestion.

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup! When Oz has the samurai sword,

we don't speak-y.

If word leaks out that we lost that cup,

it's going to ruin this company's reputation.

I hope your silly little girls' night was worth it!

You took it to your dumb pickle party.

Don't you think that's a tiny bit of a double standard?

I think it's a huge double standard... (WHOOSHES)

Because we'd never lose it! (ZINGS)

(GASPS) (CLATTERS)

Okay, guys, um, I think I might be able

to help figure out what happened.

Molly, will you give us the room?

What? No.

Spit it out! Okay, okay!

Last night, I kinda, sort of, spied

on your girls' night and, maybe,

heard everything you said.

(GASPS) Everything?

The bright side, if the cup went missing,

it's all on tape, as is the fact that you

think I'm cute and you'd kiss me.

(WHISPERS) Wonderful.

(CLAPS HANDS) All right. Let's go look at the tapes.

No! Cam and I are going to look at the tapes.

How about Molly and I look at the tapes

and we go find the cup?

No, you are going to sit down

at that split-in-half desk and do nothing!

Come on.

Oh, this is guys' night all over again.

Well, guess what, Molly? Today belongs to the women.

Mmm. Come on.

Let's go find that freaking cup.

Okay, so here's the point where the girls took off.

That's when I started packing it in.

(TAPE FAST-FORWARDS)

Bingo-bango. Busboy.

Let's boogie! Come on. Come on.

No, Oz! Oz!

(LOWERED VOICE) Buddy's gonna punch my face in.

You can't allow it, man. No allowing!

It's a rite of passage. Every great man has taken a punch.

Even you? I'm Oz.

I've avoided my whole life getting punched in the face,

but Buddy Revell is too smart for the possum act!

What's wrong with him? I didn't even hit the kid.

I think he's dead.

Holy crap, dude. Let's get out of here.

Don't you get it? At 3:00, I'm gonna die!

At 3:00, you become a man!

Ow.

(VOICE BREAKING) That was right in my allergy shot.

Every time.

(TICKING)

I can't do this! (GASPS)

You can, and you will.

(THUDS)

What are you doing?

Ticktock.

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Guys, I'd love to be included in this, huh?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Mmm. Hector, I know you speak English.

We're in the same football pool together.

(CHUCKLES) What's going on, man?

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Mmm.

Uh, you know what? Fine. Fine.

I'll just, uh, speak French and make you guys feel

tres miserable, huh? (SIGHS)

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

You heard the man. Let's hit it.

No, I didn't hear anything. I know nothing.

Hector, muy uncool, dude.

Hey, what's up, Cam?

Hey, Raiders are looking good this year, huh? (CHUCKLES)

Oh.

Hector. (SIGHS)

We should probably get going.

Yeah. Come on. Sorry.

Okay. I just got off the horn with the catering company.

It seems the cup was rented out for a bar mitzvah.

Let's get there before Vee screws up our only lead.

Veronica and Molly already have a head start.

Well, that's where you come in.

You're gonna hack into their nav system

and send those girls on a wild-goose chase.

Go, go, go! (GROANS)

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: You have reached your destination.

(SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Y'all lookin' for a party?

Uh, yes, thank you.

The Barry Horowitz bar mitzvah party?

Oh, Molly. You're so naive. Let me handle this. (CHUCKLES)

Would you ask your pimp where Temple Beth Adonai is?

I think you took a wrong turn, ladies.

Uh, yes, and I think perhaps the men are behind this.

They always are, girls.

Oh, you know what? While we're here, we might as well score some...

No, actually, we're fine. Thank you very much.

Uh, thank you. Good-bye.

Ricky! Look, I know it's gonna sound kinda crazy,

but I'm kinda fighting Buddy today.

Yeah. I already bet 100 bucks.

What? People are betting? (CHUCKLES) Oh, yeah.

Most people think it's gonna be a choke-out,

but I'm positive it's gonna be a straight beat-down.

No, not if I can help it.

I remember you mentioning every day

that you're a black belt in karate.

(CHUCKLES) It's pronounced kay-rah-tay.

Funny backstory... Okay, look, shut up.

I only have 45 minutes to learn how to defend myself.

Be my Miyagi. Teach me.

The lesson has already begun.

(GONG BONGS)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Aah!

(GRUNTS)

Aah! Aah!

(GRUNTING)

Aah! Bah! Bah! Bah!

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh! Wah-bah! Oh!

(BONES CRUNCH)

Bah!

(NORMAL VOICE) So just do that.

Really? I can't even kick a soccer ball.

I gotta go. I have ten minutes left. Where are you going?

I gotta bet more money.

But, Ricky! Ricky! Rick...

Aah.

(KLEZMER MUSIC PLAYING)

(CHEERING)

Here's the plan. We blend, find the cup,

and then we bounce, and watch out for...

The fairer sex?

Shalom, Oswald.

You tried to waylay us, but as usual, the womenfolk have prevailed.

As a matter of fact, we've been made honorary members

of the East Side Maniacs.

Okay, Psycho Vic, if you'd just lean in a little bit there...

You, too, Z-Murder.

Come on. Get in.

Okay, everyone, represent in three, two, one...

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

We told you that the women would find the cup,

and that's exactly what's going to happen.

They are coming at 9:00 a.m. sharp for that cup,

so let's just put a little cease-fire on our gender war here.

Uh, too late, I'm afraid.

You men are sneaky, devious,

and you show your winkies in the shower and then try to blame us for it.

Hey, I've seen all three of your things.

You don't see me complaining.

Never you mind my things.

As far as I'm concerned, you win. We surrender.

If it's that important to you, we'll just...

Go! Go, go, go!

Oh!

(CLATTERS)

(TICKING)

(WESTERN SHOWDOWN MUSIC PLAYING)

(TICKS)

(THUD)

(THUD)

Okay. Time to become a man.

(HAVA NAGILA PLAYING)

All right. Cam. Yeah?

Fan out. It's a huge steel cup.

It's one of a kind.

Uh, not exactly.

But... (SIGHS) Which one's the cup?

You must choose wisely.

Oh, hey, thanks for the tip, elderly rabbi,

but, uh, I think this is a call

for good, old-fashioned women's intuition. (CHUCKLES)

Right? Right.

(CHUCKLES) Yes!

Oh, I got you now, baby.

(GASPS, NASAL VOICE) What? She chose...

Poorly.

(CROWD CHANTING) Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Fight! Fight! Fight! Fight!

What are you doing, man?

Uh, punching. You said you were gonna whup my butt.

Not "butt." "Bot," as in "robot."

See, this is why we say "robits."

(CROWD MURMURS)

You thought I was gonna engage in fisticuffs?

I'm a man of peace.

Just take off your shirts...

(WHISPERS) And fight already.

Okay, buddy revell. Let's do this.

Without the shirt thing, though.

MAN: * I'm-a beat that, beat that down

* I'm-a beat that

(CHEERING)

* I'm-a beat that

Get in there, Cam! Get in there!

* I'm-a beat that, beat that down

Oz, I've got it! No, you don't!

Got it! No! No!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

* When a beat-down comes, better not be scared

* I don't really care if your grandmom's there

* Fight for your life, ain't no surrender

(STRAINED VOICE) Give it to me. Come on. Aah!

Let go!

(BONES CRUNCH) Ow!

(GRUNTS) Girl power!

(WHIRRING)

Yeah!

(CHEERING)

Aah!

Oh! Whoa! Whoa! I got it!

I got it!

Oh!

So, uh, how do you know the Bar Mitzvah boy?

Uh... Also, are you married?

Oz, I need your help! Aah!

So do I!

* I'm-a beat that, beat that down

* I'm-a beat that, beat that down *

Yeah!

(CROWD) Oh! (ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

RICKY: You can do better than that!

WOMAN: Whoo!

(HISSING) (MUSIC WARPS AND STOPS)

Yes! Whoo!

(CHEERING)

All right. You won. Go ahead and gloat.

No, that was epic.

I've never seen a newbie last that long against Billy Bot Thornton.

So I can come to Bot Club?

First rule?

Well... (SIGHS)

That was a little insane.

(CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Look... (SIGHS)

I'm really sorry about spying on you.

I guess I was just, you know, embarrassed.

(SIGHS) You've got nothing to be embarrassed about...

Or overly proud of.

I get it. I'm average.

And don't read too much into what I said.

Yes, you're cute.

But most of the time I just want to kill you.

And the feeling's mutual.

All right.

Here you go. All cleaned up.

This cup now has less chocolate than the NHL.

I guess it goes without saying, but...

(SIGHS) I'm sorry.

It's all okay.

Why don't you take a seat?

Oh, all right, but only for a second.

I've decided to give you the roof.

Oh. You know, Oswald,

I'm really not as big of a screwup as you...

(CLATTERS)

(CLINKS AND WHOOSHES)

(CRASH)

(CAR ALARM WAILING)

(ALARM CHIRPS AND TURNS OFF)

I'm out.