Original subtitles

You suck. No, you suck.

No, you suck. No, you do.

Uh, no, you do. I don't.

Yes, you do. No, I don't.

Yes, you do. No, I don't.

(DEEP VOICE) Yes, you do. No, I don't.

Trouble with the fake wifey?

Oh. Of all the women who needed a Green Card,

I end up with a stuffy, anal-retentive Brit...

(RAISED VOICE) Who freaks out every time

I leave the toilet seat up!

I don't care that it's up!

Just try to hit the bowl, you Neanderthal!

See what I'm dealing with?

The only thing keeping me sane is Molly Kong.

What's Molly Kong? A little game I invented.

Every time Molly flips out over something stupid, I score points.

(SUPER MARIO BROS. THEME PLAYING)

Could you please close the cabinets?

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING AND DINGING) It's like I... I can track

your progress around the kitchen.

Oh, look. You got a little bowl from here...

(DING) And then you got your cereal,

which is probably now stale.

Then you went to the drawer

and got yourself a little spoon, didn't you?

And then you went in the fridge

to get some milk and... Oh, my God!

Will you stop putting back the empty containers?

(CLATTERS)

Pick that up! (DINGING)

50 points.

You live like a pig, dude.

I'm siding with Molly on this one.

Oh, come on, you're just saying that

'cause you have a crazy crush on her.

Yeah, that might be a factor in my decision, yes.

Dude, what are you wearing? It's 80 degrees outside.

Oz is about to close a huge deal with a client.

He told me to dress to impress.

I'm sure this is my bad.

I probably could've been more specific.

Hey, what's more impressive

than a domesticated Tauntaun from the ice planet Hoth?

I don't know. A suit and tie?

Here comes the limo. Just let me do the talking.

There he is.

Tony Hawk, the Bird Man, welcome to Contra.

How was the ride over?

Bumpy. That's a sweet Tauntaun.

(SINGSONG VOICE) Told ya.

(NORMAL VOICE) Come on, Tony. Let's kick it.

Okay, Tony, we are gonna hook you up

with top-notch security for your whole operation.

We're talking retail, video games, skate parks,

your entire billion-dollar empire.

Now where should we start? In my house.

It's been a nightmare ever since I drained the pool.

Stop skating in my pool, you punks! (SKATEBOARD WHEELS ROLLING)

Up yours, old man!

Well, you're in great hands.

I'll make sure we cross every "t" and gleam every cube.

(CHUCKLES) Okay, you know "gleaming the cube"

doesn't mean anything, right?

Well, neither does half the crap I say.

(PANTING) Oz! Oz! we've got an emergency.

I just got a call from Corporate!

Heather O'Brien is gonna be here any minute.

She's the senior V.P. of multi-platform digital media.

What does that even mean? I don't know,

but I do know that if this place doesn't look like a million bucks,

she is gonna have my head on a platter.

We need pops of color, brighter lights, more attractive people!

What? Uh...

(SINGSONGY) Oh, mail cart guy? Oh, I.T. persons?

(NORMAL VOICE) Guess what? Good news...

You get the rest of the week off, you handsome devils!

Get out. Whoa! Leggo my uggos.

Everybody get back to work.

(LOWERED VOICE) We're not getting rid of anybody.

Oswald, Heather O'Brien is the most black-hearted, soul-sucking,

vicious, life-ruining succubus

who ever dragged her talons

across this beautiful, big, green marble.

Hi. I'm looking for Oz.

You and three deposed dictators.

(LAUGHS) I am he. Welcome to Master Control.

You must be Heather. Wow.

I'd heard you were a man of mystery,

but, uh, they didn't tell me how handsome you were.

(WHISPERING) Careful, Oz.

Remember what Vee said. (WHISPERS) Yeah.

Dinobots. Cool.

A lot of people think that's where Transformers

jumped the shark, but I disagree.

It was totally Unicron.

Totally.

(WHISPERS) Wow. (LOWERED VOICE) She is awesome.

Oh, there's my assistant.

She's gonna be passing out a gift

as a token of my appreciation for you putting up with us.

How nice.

(CHUCKLES)

A 2009 Donn Shaw?

That's my favorite Riesling.

(WHISPERS) Oh.

MAN: Check it out. (MOUTHS WORD)

Psst!

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Cawk-Oz! Cawk-Oz! Cawk-Oz!

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh. Was I right or what?

I mean, is she heinous?

Oh, yeah, she's, uh...

She's a real monster.

Okay.

(WHISPERS) Wish me luck. I'm going in.

(NORMAL VOICE) Hey, girl. What up?

(CHUCKLES) Wow. Did you lose weight?

'Cause you look phenoma-balls.

Veronica. (CHUCKLES)

I thought I smelled cheap weed and desperation.

(LAUGHING) I'm kidding! (LAUGHING)

(LAUGHS) Oh.

This is my assistant Heather.

What? Same name?

Well, birds of a Heather, I guess.

Oh, why did I say that?

(CHUCKLES) Because you are the worst.

Yeah.

(LAUGHING) I'm kidding. (LAUGHING)

Oh. (CHUCKLES)

(PANTING)

(WHISPERING) I'm gonna pass out.

(CONTINUES PANTING) I can't breathe.

Okay. Extreme Makeover: Contra Edition.

Yeah! (CHUCKLES) I am here

to rebrand your company and make it a household name.

Well, here's the skinny, Heather...

A good security company likes to keep an air of mystery.

Ah, and I respect that point, Oz,

but judging by your web page, a little too mysterious.

(BEEPS)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS)

Yeah, I Googled "Contra," and all that comes up

is some Nintendo game that's, like, older than me.

With all due respect, Oswald,

I'm afraid I'm gonna have to go with the Heathers on this one.

Yeah. Tap into the future. Get on that Internet.

Yes, where everybody blogs about food

and all relationships are ruined by pornography.

Listen, I'm just here to shoot some video around the office

and make an online company brochure.

One teeny snag. (CHUCKLES)

Oswald here really, really doesn't like to be on camera. (CHUCKLES)

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Well... (SIGHS) If we can't use a pretty face

to represent the company, then I guess I could pick,

as an absolute, gun-to-my-head last resort...

Veronica.

Oh, wait. (LAUGHS) She's kidding.

Ka-blam! With the zingers all day long, this one. (LAUGHS) Right?

No. I'm picking you.

Yeah. At least I get to be on camera. (CHUCKLES)

(LOWERED VOICE) Whoa.

That Heather girl's bananas hot, right?

(NASAL VOICE) I know.

(LOWERED VOICE) Look, coming from a guy

that's pursuing a lady parsecs out of his league,

I can safely say, "Keep dreamin'."

Please. Cameron slays ass, right?

Tell him how you slay all kinds of ass.

Well, I wouldn't put it like that,

but this is how a hacker gets it done.

You slay dude's asses.

CAROL: That's right. Do it. (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(WHISPERS) All right. Okay. I'm bored.

Boom.

(BEEPS)

"Ambition." all right.

Watch and learn.

So... "Ambition," huh?

Excuse me? Your tat.

It's the Chinese symbol for ambition, right?

Oh. You speak Chinese?

Uh... No, I don't. (CHUCKLES)

So you saw my tattoo, you looked it up,

then came over to slip it into casual conversation,

as if that's not the most creepy thing in the world?

(CHUCKLES) Did it work?

No.

No? No.

Our marriage certificate came in.

Try not to treat it like you do everything else you own.

Uh... You two are married?

Well, technically, yes, but we, uh...

Seriously? That's twice this week

you've stopped me from closing. What are you doing?

(GRUNTS) Oh.

Uh...

(WHISPERS) I told you I had a date!

I didn't think you were serious.

Hi. I'm Molly.

You're better than this.

(SIGHS)

I did you a huge favor by getting you that Green Card.

The least you could do is not step on my game when I'm slaying ass.

Oh, is that what I witnessed?

Because to me, it just looked like

you were talking out of your ass.

Oh, ding-ding-ding-ding!

Stop playing Molly Kong.

If I'm so annoying, perhaps I will just move out.

Ding-ding-ding-ding-ding!

(WE GOT YOUR BACK PLAYING)

* We got your back

(SIGHS)

Oz, we got a big problem. Oh!

(LOWERED VOICE) Ever since Heather's turned on the camera,

Veronica's been an out-of-control maniac.

(SINGSONGY) I've got mail!

Hey, hey, hey, that's federal property!

(EXHALES DEEPLY) Look, we all love Heather.

Just when it comes to Veronica,

she seems to go a little Mean Girls on her.

All we can do is let them figure it out, and nobody gets hurt.

Yeah, no, it's too late for that.

You wanna know what makes Contra Security

the best in the business?

Well, it's guys like...

Cash. Cash...

Cash. (CHUCKLES) With their gadgets

and, uh, whatnot. No.

I told you not to touch my spy cam.

(WHIRRING) Oh. Whoo!

No. Look at me! I'm flying!

(THUDS) Oh! (GRUNTS)

But I...

All right, look, I'll talk to her before she hurts somebody that matters.

Where'd she go? Oh, I'm right here,

just doing my thang, solvin' problems like I do.

(CHUCKLES) Hey... You.

Cash. Cash.

Look, I fixed your...

That thing. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, crap. Somebody that matters.

(GASPS) Celebrity cameo.

Oh, my God. This is so great for our video.

You guys, come on! Hey, everybody!

Look! It is Mr. Shaun White...

She doesn't know his name...

World-famous rollerblader.

Actually, that's not quite what I do.

Come on. Let's get our blades on. (BEEP)

(WHIRRING)

Do one of your famous tricks!

Let's do that loop-de-loop you do so well.

I'm gonna go.

(GRUNTS) (THUD)

(NASAL VOICE) Oh, boy.

Hey. We've still got the job, right, Tony?

Just, uh, give me a thumbs-up for a yes.

I guess that finger means a no.

Oh, God! (SIGHS)

Married, huh?

Uh, yeah. It's kinda complicated.

It always is.

What the hell was that?

That girl's a ring wrangler.

Groom grabber. Hubby humper? She likes her men hitched.

Are you sure? 'Cause that's kinda crazy.

I know...

(WHISPERS) But it is the forbidden fruit.

(CRUNCHING)

(SLURPING)

Are you eating a tomato like an apple?

Uh-huh. Who... Who does that?

I mean, seriously, throw some burrata on that bitch.

(SLURPS)

Hey, Mol.

Look, I feel terrible about our fight.

Peace offering? I got you the last cupcake.

What do you say we give our fake marriage another shot?

Well, since you went to all that effort, I suppose.

Okay, good, 'cause I want to get in with Heather Y.

She digs married dudes...

(WHISPERS) And I want to see how this thing plays out.

(THUDS)

You are unbelievable.

What? Just when I think you're becoming a gentleman,

you go and say something absolutely ridiculous like that!

CAMERON: (LOWERED VOICE) Ooh, yeah. Yelling.

Now we really sound married. Okay, good, good. Um...

(NORMAL VOICE) Tikka masala sounds great.

See you tonight, sweetheart.

What?

God! (SIGHS)

Who here needs a roommate?

Welcome to the Thunderdome.

Ooh. (CHUCKLES) It's lovely.

Thank you so much for letting me stay.

I've had quite enough of Cameron. (CHUCKLES)

Forget about Cameron. This is your new home.

Let me give you a tour.

Here are all of my action figurines,

arranged alphabetically

from Admiral Ackbar to General Zod.

Very thorough. (CHUCKLES) Yeah.

Here is the fridge. Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Everyone needs a fridge. Right?

And of course, the gaming center.

(IMITATES BEEPING)

Lovely. (CHUCKLES)

And of course, that's where the magic happens,

and if you're lucky, I'll show you my wand.

Pardon me?

(WHOOSHES) * Ta-da

Oh. Thank goodness.

I thought you meant something completely different. (CHUCKLES)

(CELL PHONE RINGING AND BUZZING)

(BEEP)

Hello? Get your hand off your wand

and hightail it back to the office.

My spidey-sense is tingling.

Copy that, boss.

What is your damage, Veronica?

Shh. Ever since Heather showed up,

you've been acting more bonkers than usual.

Yeah, well, clearly Heather doesn't have a very high opinion of me,

and this video is a chance for her to see me at my best.

(WHIRRING) You... You do realize

that we just loaded an American icon into an ambulance?

(WHIRRING STOPS) Come on.

They're gonna leave it on the cutting room floor. It's a saying.

(SCOFFS) (CLATTERS)

They're here. (GASPS) What?

HEATHER O.: Okay.

(CLAPS HANDS) Okay, it's a wrap.

Ronnie, it turned out great.

(GASPS)

It's gonna be very.

That right? Well, when do we see this opus?

When do you see my opus? Actually...

We're premiering at the O.C.P. Conference in a few days.

You two, of course, are invited to that.

Totes! I love surprises! (CHUCKLES)

The only thing I love more than surprises

is knowing every possible outcome before it happens.

Okay, cupcakes, here's the dealio.

Heather's been lying about the video for the web site.

How do we know that? Had an old friend named Vincent Coccotti...

He was counsel for Blue Lou Boyle...

Told me that there are certain things

a person does when they lie that give 'em away.

A typical man has 17 pantomimes. A woman has 22.

OZ: First telltale sign...

Heather repeated the question when I asked.

That right? When do we see this opus?

When do you get to see my opus?

She avoided eye contact,

touched her nose when she spoke,

gave too much detail,

changed her vocal pitch,

took too many pauses,

and of course, the dead giveaway...

She gave me the old dice roll

when she thought my head was turned.

Spy shades.

Sky Mall, you've done it again.

Now let's find out what the Heathers are up to.

(TYPING) Okay. Hacking into Heather's e-mail.

Let's see what she's hiding.

(BEEPS) OZ: And...

(KEYS CLACKING)

Ah, right there. Click on that movie...

"Bleep Veronica says."

Okay. (TAPS KEYS)

And then on Fridays, I like to turn

this water cooler into a white wine cooler. Mmm.

(CHUCKLES) How do you think our receptionist got pregnant?

I drink most of it. (PANTING LAUGH)

Has anybody seen my glasses?

What? No! These aren't my glasses.

(CHUCKLES) Oh. Tap-able.

Been there, done that. Out of the question.

Thought about it. Working on it. Wearing her down.

You only live once. Even that.

(SINGSONGY) Late again and loving it.

(NORMAL VOICE) Oh, darn it. Is it Saturday?

(CHUCKLES) Pfft. Not again.

This goes on for another 20 minutes.

Yeah, they're gonna eat her alive at the O.C.P. Conference.

What do we do?

We gotta kill the Heathers.

Metaphorically.

Maybe.

To be determined. (SIGHS)

Hey, what do you do here?

(CHUCKLES) More like, "What do I do here," right?

Yeah, could you just click that off?

Now you see what they've done here?

They've used some fancy editing techniques

to make me look like an idiot...

(CHUCKLES) because, you know, I'm not anything like that in real life.

Don't know how they pulled that one off. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, great. Well, it's my own darn fault.

I probably should've seen this coming after everything

that Heather O'Brien and I have been through.

Wait a minute. She doesn't just hate you for the regular reasons?

I slept with her fiance and her brother,

and, uh, I made 'em do stuff with each other.

Oh!

I guess I will simply be embarrassed

by this video in front of the entire company, and that will be that.

Good stuff. All right. I'm out.

If you need me, I will be tattooing

the word "idiot" across my own face.

OZ: Okay, we need to help Veronica,

so Operation Dumbo Swap is in full effect.

We're gonna break into Heather's house,

swap out her video

for one that makes Veronica look like a star.

Cash, this ring is a wireless spy cam.

I need you to follow Veronica in secret, record her,

edit it together, and make her look like a superstar.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Wonder twin powers, activate!

Cameron, I need floor plans of Heather's house pronto.

I'm on it. I'll also distract the young, hot Heather by dating her.

How's that gonna help? Don't question it.

She's coming over tonight to commit adultery.

I mean, sure, it's a little weird,

but nobody's getting hurt, right?

Whoa, Cameron, your moral quandary, it's a falsehood.

You're not married. She's not married.

It's just consensual sex between two crazy freaks.

Okay. It's settled. I'll sleep with her.

And... And the Veronica thing.

(TYPES)

(PANTING) Oh, this is so crazy.

Mmm. What if your wife walked in on us?

Oh, man, that'd be awful,

because I am totally not single. Oh. Mmm.

Mmm. Yeah? Tell me more.

Uh, yeah, I had, uh, I had a June wedding in the Hamptons.

Flowers cost me a fortune. Oh! You're nasty.

They... Yeah. Oh. More.

Uh, I couldn't invite my college buddies,

but she had to have her second cousin there.

I don't care about your cousin. Okay.

Tell me I'm hot. Oh, you're so hot.

Oh.

Yeah. Tell me about your wife. Oh.

Huh? About your wife. Uh, my wife, she just tells me

I'm an inconsiderate roommate...

I mean... I mean groommate,

because that's what I am. I'm... I'm a groom. (CHUCKLES)

Oh. Yeah. Yeah.

You poor baby. I know.

Oh, you must be so bored with your stuffy British wife.

Mmm. Mmm.

Hey, are we gonna talk through this whole thing?

Come on. Say it. Say she's boring and uptight.

No, I don't... I'm not gonna say that.

Yeah. Say it. That's weird.

Huh? Tell me. Tell me she's an uptight, boring bitch, huh?

Wait. Whoa! Relax. That's not cool.

Molly's actually a really nice person.

What? Wait. If she's so nice, what are you doing with me?

I'm beginning to ask myself the same question.

Ugh.

Are you one of those nice guys that, like, loves his wife?

I mean, honestly, I can tell you, at the moment, yes,

I like her more than I like you.

Whatever. I'm gonna motor.

You're gonna motor?

What the hell does that mean?

Okay, magic man, you ready to dazzle me?

Oh, damn right.

I've been following Veronica around for seven hours,

editing for eight. Mmm.

Set your phasers to "stun."

Hello... I'm...

Veronica... And...

I... Like... Business... And...

Money... And...

Success... And smiles.

Friendship... Boom!

Shaka-laka-laka!

What the hell is this?

Hey, the woman can't say three words

without saying something cuckoo nutballs.

Hey, I did the best I could.

Maybe Heather's right, Oz.

Veronica is super incompetent.

She's standing right behind me, isn't she?

No. No. she's standing right next to you.

How do you not see her?

I told you, I have weak peripheral vision.

Okay, you boys can stop whatever you're doing.

Heather is right.

I am a lost cause.

Well... (SIGHS)

Oh!

Who...

Man, you weren't lying, dude.

It's like you got one of those invisible doggy cones around your neck.

Oh!

(SIGHS) Okay. Great.

Here we are. In and out.

Nobody gets hurt, except me. Perfect.

Look, you can do this, okay?

Just stay strong.

Yeah, well, I could do that or...

Ooh. I could go talk to Hank Donaldson in Marketing.

He's my weed guy.

No. No, no, no, no, no. No illegal substances.

(SIGHS) You're right.

Hey, ladies, down in front.

(SIGHS) Oh, great. Fantastic.

So you guys came by to see the big bloodbath?

Look, Vee, I know I give you a hard time,

but I like you too much to see this happen to you.

(WHISPERS) Oswald, come on.

Let's just rip the Band-Aid off, okay?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Hey, Heather!

Let's roll this pig!

And then on Fridays, I like to turn this water cooler

into a white wine cooler.

Mmm! How do you think our receptionist got pregnant? (LAUGHTER)

I drink most of it. (PANTING LAUGH)

No. Whoo! Look at that!

I'm flying!

Oh! (GRUNTS)

(LAUGHTER) VERONICA: What? No. These aren't my glasses.

(LOUD LAUGHTER)

(LAUGHS)

(APPLAUSE)

You are too much, Veronica.

This is the best conference ever.

Wish we had you at Corporate. They're a bunch of stiffs.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

(CHUCKLES) Well...

Oh.

(UNDER BREATH) What the hell is happening?

(LOWERED VOICE) I believe you are a hit. What?

You're so crazy, they thought you must be joking.

I did it again, right, Jimmy! (LAUGHS)

High five up top.

Thank you.

(INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

I think it's very sweet that you guys tried to protect Veronica.

Well, that's what we do in this office.

We protect our own.

Look, I suppose if you'd like,

we could do some more marriage bickering

just to salvage whatever weird thing you have with Heather.

(SPEAKS INAUDIBLY)

How do you know it needs salvaging?

Um...

Because I... Was hiding behind the couch

like a perv who likes to spy on her roommate?

I... Yes.

No, I actually came back for my retainer and...

You knew I was there the whole time?

Yeah. Why do you think I was on the couch all night?

I wanted to see how long you'd last.

(TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY)

Listen, you can move back in if you want to.

You mean it?

Yeah, I'll even try to close the cabinets.

No, you won't. I really won't.

And I will try and let you close with the ladies.

(CHUCKLES)

(VIDEO GAME BEEPS) (DEEP AUTOMATED MALE VOICE) Game over.

Hey! Look who it is.

Mr. White!

Shaun!

What are you doing here?

I thought I'd drop off a signed skateboard

and a signed contract.

What changed your mind?

Well, your boss is very persuasive.

Aah!

Yeah, that's right. Run away, crybabies!

Come back when you're ready

for a woman who's going through the change!

(MUSIC WARPS)

Right here.

Wow. I can't believe I'm saying this,

but Vee, I am happy to have you on my side.

Um, Veronica, Heather's back, and she's...

Oh, you think that have beaten me, Veronica? (GASPS)

I will tell you something, and that is that I will not stop

until I... Aah!

Ugh.

I've never seen anyone do that before!

I have.

(LIGHTER CLICKS)