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1
00:00:02,203 --> 00:00:03,871
(IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT)
Oh, Cash.
2
00:00:03,937 --> 00:00:05,906
You saved me
from Skeletor.
How romantic.
3
00:00:05,973 --> 00:00:08,776
(DEEP VOICE) Anything
for my soul mate Molly.
4
00:00:08,842 --> 00:00:12,346
Now let me lay you down
on this Tauntaun-skin rug
and make some sweet...
5
00:00:12,413 --> 00:00:13,981
Stop, stop, stop!
6
00:00:14,048 --> 00:00:16,450
I feel like I'm about to see
something I can't un-see.
7
00:00:16,517 --> 00:00:19,653
(NORMAL VOICE)
Dude. This is called
a destiny diorama.
8
00:00:19,720 --> 00:00:22,423
I'm visualizing
my future with Molly
so it'll come true.
9
00:00:22,490 --> 00:00:25,226
Yeah, we're gonna live
in Castle Grayskull.
10
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,462
(GRUNTS AND MUTTERS)
11
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:29,997
Okay, well, I don't get
what you see in her,
12
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,765
but power to ya.
Go for it.
13
00:00:31,832 --> 00:00:34,735
Oh, I will. I'm gonna
ask her out. Yeah.
14
00:00:34,802 --> 00:00:37,805
I'm just
building up my nerve.
I'll do it in one...
15
00:00:37,871 --> 00:00:39,473
Maybe two years.
16
00:00:40,308 --> 00:00:41,542
I got plenty of time.
17
00:00:42,910 --> 00:00:45,679
I'm being deported
in three weeks.
18
00:00:45,746 --> 00:00:48,116
No! Oh, my God!
This is terrible!
19
00:00:48,182 --> 00:00:49,983
How can this be
happening to me?
20
00:00:50,050 --> 00:00:51,885
Well, it's mostly
happening to me.
21
00:00:51,952 --> 00:00:55,556
My work visa expired
because you never
filled out the extension.
22
00:00:55,623 --> 00:00:57,325
(UNDER BREATH)
Yeah, I did.
23
00:00:57,391 --> 00:00:59,293
Really? Well,
pardon my French,
but bollocks!
24
00:00:59,360 --> 00:01:02,830
It's here,
covered with coffee stains
and penis doodles.
25
00:01:02,896 --> 00:01:05,666
All right, all right.
Everybody shutty.
We can fight this.
26
00:01:05,733 --> 00:01:06,900
I know a guy
who knows a guy
27
00:01:06,967 --> 00:01:08,702
who can bribe a guy
at Immigration.
28
00:01:08,769 --> 00:01:10,638
Hello.
Agent Benson, please.
29
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:13,441
I see. I see.
Good day.
30
00:01:13,507 --> 00:01:15,243
(CELL PHONE BEEPS)
He's dead.
31
00:01:15,309 --> 00:01:16,610
Well, as H.R.,
32
00:01:16,677 --> 00:01:18,912
I could petition the court
for a stay of deportation,
33
00:01:18,979 --> 00:01:20,148
but that could
take months,
34
00:01:20,214 --> 00:01:22,216
so your best option
is to make me your bride.
35
00:01:22,283 --> 00:01:23,517
(WHISPERS)
It's legal.
36
00:01:23,584 --> 00:01:25,186
Wait a minute. Yes.
Okay.
37
00:01:25,253 --> 00:01:26,987
Oh, my gosh.
38
00:01:27,054 --> 00:01:29,089
You're gonna get married
just like in that movie
Green Card
39
00:01:29,157 --> 00:01:32,126
where that fat French guy
convinces Andie MacDowell
that he's not an uggo.
40
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:34,195
(CAROL AND VERONICA SQUEAL)
41
00:01:34,262 --> 00:01:35,763
Stop. No, stop.
42
00:01:35,829 --> 00:01:38,098
When I used to fantasize
about my wedding day,
43
00:01:38,166 --> 00:01:41,535
a sham marriage is not
what I had pictured.
44
00:01:41,602 --> 00:01:43,671
Of course I'll marry you,
Prince William.
45
00:01:43,737 --> 00:01:45,706
I just have to
let Hugh Grant down gently
46
00:01:45,773 --> 00:01:47,074
and quit the Spice Girls.
47
00:01:47,141 --> 00:01:48,676
(IMITATES DEEP VOICE)
Oh, brilliant, Molly.
48
00:01:48,742 --> 00:01:50,978
Now let's do
some kissy-kissy
with our shirts off.
49
00:01:51,044 --> 00:01:52,246
(GIGGLES)
50
00:01:52,313 --> 00:01:55,816
A wedding is a sacred bond
between two people,
51
00:01:55,883 --> 00:01:57,385
not to be trifled with.
52
00:01:57,451 --> 00:02:00,554
(SCOFFS) Come on.
I've trifled with
that bitch four times.
53
00:02:00,621 --> 00:02:01,722
You just say, "I do,"
54
00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:03,056
and then when
the bouncy-bouncy dies down,
55
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:05,359
you pull the rip cord
and smoke a jay.
No big whoop.
56
00:02:05,426 --> 00:02:06,860
Wonderful.
57
00:02:06,927 --> 00:02:08,128
Oz, what's going on
with Molly?
58
00:02:08,196 --> 00:02:10,063
Cash is freaking out
over here.
59
00:02:10,130 --> 00:02:12,032
Look, nobody wants
the girl to stick around
more than me.
60
00:02:12,099 --> 00:02:14,568
When it comes to Veronica,
Molly is my buffer.
61
00:02:14,635 --> 00:02:15,836
She's my Buffy.
62
00:02:15,903 --> 00:02:17,137
She's my rock.
63
00:02:17,205 --> 00:02:19,507
She's the only one here
that uses correct postage.
64
00:02:19,573 --> 00:02:20,874
She will be missed.
65
00:02:20,941 --> 00:02:22,643
Who am I gonna watch
Downton Abbey with?
66
00:02:22,710 --> 00:02:25,346
It's "Downtown."
"Downtown Abbey."
67
00:02:25,413 --> 00:02:26,547
Yeah, it's "Downtown."
(WHISPERS) Ricky.
68
00:02:26,614 --> 00:02:28,249
I'm pretty sure
it's "Downtown."
69
00:02:28,316 --> 00:02:30,083
Are we talking
about the same Molly?
70
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:32,420
The one who leaves
passive-aggressive
post-it notes
71
00:02:32,486 --> 00:02:33,654
all over my desk?
72
00:02:33,721 --> 00:02:35,088
(IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT)
"Cameron, thank you so much
73
00:02:35,155 --> 00:02:36,724
"for cleaning
the office microwave."
74
00:02:36,790 --> 00:02:38,058
Sounds okay to me.
75
00:02:38,125 --> 00:02:40,561
No. I didn't clean it.
She's being a dick.
76
00:02:40,628 --> 00:02:43,364
Screw
my 1-slash-2-year plan.
77
00:02:43,431 --> 00:02:47,535
It's time
I become her superhero
and keep her in the country.
78
00:02:47,601 --> 00:02:49,770
The hell is that?
(ELECTRONIC CHIRP)
79
00:02:49,837 --> 00:02:52,373
It's my master replica
green lantern
engagement ring.
80
00:02:52,440 --> 00:02:53,974
Easy, cupcake.
When it comes to Molly,
81
00:02:54,041 --> 00:02:55,309
she needs somebody
who's all business,
82
00:02:55,376 --> 00:02:57,177
not somebody who wants
to get up in her business.
83
00:02:57,245 --> 00:03:00,481
Yeah, Oz is right.
You're way too
emotionally involved.
84
00:03:00,548 --> 00:03:02,583
Lucky for us, I am not.
85
00:03:02,650 --> 00:03:05,185
Now the fate
of this office depends on
Molly sticking around.
86
00:03:05,253 --> 00:03:07,788
That's why I'm gonna
jump on this grenade
and marry the girl myself.
87
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,523
I couldn't help
but overhear, you know,
88
00:03:09,590 --> 00:03:12,393
because I was hiding
behind the Tron machine,
spying.
89
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:15,095
(WHISPERS)
You can't marry Molly.
You already have a wife.
90
00:03:15,162 --> 00:03:18,532
(SCOFFS)
I think I'd know
if I was married.
91
00:03:22,536 --> 00:03:23,737
Son of a bitch.
92
00:03:23,804 --> 00:03:26,840
So we got married
in March 2005,
93
00:03:26,907 --> 00:03:30,244
and then, oh, look,
married again
in June 2010...
94
00:03:30,311 --> 00:03:33,281
Uh-huh.
And then divorced
in July...
95
00:03:33,347 --> 00:03:34,382
Yeah.
96
00:03:34,448 --> 00:03:35,883
And then, yes,
97
00:03:35,949 --> 00:03:38,686
we ran into each other
last year in Cozumel...
(SIGHS)
98
00:03:38,752 --> 00:03:41,722
Got crazy drunk on tequila,
and tied the knot again.
99
00:03:41,789 --> 00:03:45,526
Oh. I guess
we both ate the worm
on that one, huh?
100
00:03:45,593 --> 00:03:46,594
(SIGHS)
101
00:03:46,660 --> 00:03:49,196
So we're married.
What now?
102
00:03:51,164 --> 00:03:52,700
(CLEARS THROAT)
103
00:03:54,101 --> 00:03:56,370
(ROMANTIC THEME PLAYING)
Amy Kyleen Osbourne,
104
00:03:56,437 --> 00:03:58,572
would you make me
the happiest man
on planet Earth,
105
00:03:58,639 --> 00:03:59,940
and grant me a divorce?
106
00:04:00,007 --> 00:04:01,842
Oh, Oz.
107
00:04:01,909 --> 00:04:04,812
It's such a big decision.
What's a girl to do? No.
108
00:04:04,878 --> 00:04:06,980
(MUSIC WARPS AND STOPS)
"No"?
What do you mean, "No"?
109
00:04:07,047 --> 00:04:08,516
You loathe me.
I loathe you.
110
00:04:08,582 --> 00:04:10,684
That is the one thing
we agree on.
111
00:04:10,751 --> 00:04:12,520
Because what's the point?
112
00:04:12,586 --> 00:04:15,423
We get together,
and then we break up,
113
00:04:15,489 --> 00:04:17,525
and then we have
insane monkey sex...
114
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:18,759
Mmm-hmm.
115
00:04:18,826 --> 00:04:20,294
And then we get
back together,
116
00:04:20,361 --> 00:04:22,996
so why not
save the legal fees
and just stay married?
117
00:04:23,063 --> 00:04:24,832
'Cause this time,
I mean it.
118
00:04:24,898 --> 00:04:26,834
Okay. Well, I need
to tell you that...
119
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:28,436
(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY)
...got something pierced.
120
00:04:28,502 --> 00:04:29,770
Oh, really?
Mmm.
121
00:04:29,837 --> 00:04:31,138
Oh, no, no!
No, no, no.
122
00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:33,173
I don't care
what you got pierced.
123
00:04:34,608 --> 00:04:36,209
Sign the papers.
124
00:04:37,177 --> 00:04:38,679
Legal fees it is.
125
00:04:38,746 --> 00:04:39,813
(SIGHS)
126
00:04:39,880 --> 00:04:41,081
AMY: Unless...
(UNDOES ZIPPER)
127
00:04:41,148 --> 00:04:42,215
Ooh!
128
00:04:43,183 --> 00:04:45,218
Still a "no."
129
00:04:45,285 --> 00:04:46,587
Nice piercing.
130
00:04:47,154 --> 00:04:48,489
Hey, Molly.
131
00:04:48,556 --> 00:04:50,023
I'd like you
to meet Thor,
132
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:52,826
my personal trainer
and your future husband.
133
00:04:52,893 --> 00:04:55,729
Come on, Thor.
Give her a peek
under the hood.
134
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:58,031
Am I right? Huh?
135
00:04:58,098 --> 00:05:00,534
(EXCLAIMING)
136
00:05:00,601 --> 00:05:03,737
No offense, Mr. Thor,
but I think I'll pass.
137
00:05:03,804 --> 00:05:05,673
(SIGHS)
Oh, great.
138
00:05:05,739 --> 00:05:08,409
Well, you really
screwed this one up.
All right.
139
00:05:08,476 --> 00:05:11,445
My place, usual time.
Wear the thing.
140
00:05:12,112 --> 00:05:13,914
Look, Veronica,
141
00:05:13,981 --> 00:05:16,049
if I go through
with this marriage,
142
00:05:16,116 --> 00:05:19,052
it has to be
100% platonic.
143
00:05:19,119 --> 00:05:24,157
No money,
no sex, no love.
Just like my parents.
144
00:05:24,224 --> 00:05:25,526
All right.
Let me get this straight.
145
00:05:25,593 --> 00:05:29,397
So you want a plain,
bland, vanilla, boring
146
00:05:29,463 --> 00:05:32,366
Joe Shmoe who, sounds like,
doesn't even like you.
147
00:05:32,433 --> 00:05:34,735
Really? A post-it note
on my windshield?
148
00:05:34,802 --> 00:05:36,670
Yes. Got your attention,
didn't it?
149
00:05:36,737 --> 00:05:38,472
Perhaps now you'll hand in
your expense reports
150
00:05:38,539 --> 00:05:39,740
before I'm kicked
out the country.
151
00:05:39,807 --> 00:05:41,041
Maybe I will,
maybe I won't.
152
00:05:41,108 --> 00:05:42,342
Well, it would be
very useful if you...
153
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:43,877
I don't know.
Would, please,
because...
154
00:05:43,944 --> 00:05:45,679
Well, maybe I could...
"Please" what?
155
00:05:45,746 --> 00:05:47,381
Please hand them in.
"Them"? "Them" now?
156
00:05:47,448 --> 00:05:48,882
It would be nice
and professional of you...
When are you talking about?
157
00:05:48,949 --> 00:05:50,718
If you could
just hand them in
like everybody else
158
00:05:50,784 --> 00:05:52,553
in the office has, on time...
Well, it would be
very professional
159
00:05:52,620 --> 00:05:53,921
if you sent me an e-mail
and stopped...
160
00:05:53,987 --> 00:05:55,589
Three days ago,
I sent you two e-mails.
Ooh. Ooh.
161
00:05:55,656 --> 00:05:57,124
BOTH: What?
162
00:05:57,190 --> 00:05:59,927
Oz, thank God.
Uh, Veronica's forcing me
to marry Molly.
163
00:05:59,993 --> 00:06:01,629
And please don't say...
I'll allow it.
164
00:06:01,695 --> 00:06:03,230
No, just because
you allow it
165
00:06:03,296 --> 00:06:04,998
doesn't mean
it has to be allowed.
Yes, it does.
166
00:06:05,065 --> 00:06:06,967
We're gonna have
a dummy wedding,
and you are the dummy.
167
00:06:07,034 --> 00:06:08,035
You're gonna
sign some papers,
168
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:09,703
answer a few questions,
and bam!
169
00:06:09,770 --> 00:06:11,505
In two years' time,
you get a quickie divorce.
You're a free man.
170
00:06:11,572 --> 00:06:13,006
Two years?
171
00:06:13,073 --> 00:06:16,577
I'll wait for her.
It fits into
my 1-slash-2-year plan.
172
00:06:16,644 --> 00:06:18,679
No, you don't
have to wait.
You can have her.
173
00:06:18,746 --> 00:06:20,180
No. No, you can't.
174
00:06:20,247 --> 00:06:21,949
Oz, I'll never pass
the immigration interview.
175
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,684
You know
I'm the worst liar ever.
176
00:06:23,751 --> 00:06:24,918
(BEEPS)
177
00:06:24,985 --> 00:06:26,487
Who are you?
178
00:06:26,554 --> 00:06:27,955
I work here.
179
00:06:28,021 --> 00:06:29,790
I'm Dick Biggens.
180
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:31,258
Porn star Dick Biggens?
181
00:06:33,427 --> 00:06:36,129
I have to admit...
182
00:06:36,196 --> 00:06:38,899
I have
very little faith in you,
but we're out of options.
183
00:06:38,966 --> 00:06:40,734
Help us, Cameron.
You're our only hope.
184
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,236
No. No way.
There's no way in hell.
185
00:06:44,137 --> 00:06:46,874
He said, "Yes"! (LAUGHS)
186
00:06:46,940 --> 00:06:49,009
(WE GOT YOUR BACK PLAYING)
187
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:05,325
* We got your back
188
00:07:11,064 --> 00:07:12,766
So, haven't heard
from your attorneys.
189
00:07:12,833 --> 00:07:14,367
Have you signed
the papers, or what?
190
00:07:14,434 --> 00:07:16,403
Depends on if you agree
to the pre-div.
191
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:18,138
What?
It's like
a reverse pre-nup.
192
00:07:18,205 --> 00:07:20,440
It's just
a little list of demands
193
00:07:20,508 --> 00:07:23,611
before I grant you
your freedom.
194
00:07:23,677 --> 00:07:27,347
"Boat, house,
houseboat, diamond..."
Are you insane?
195
00:07:27,414 --> 00:07:29,583
You want me to buy you
a disengagement ring?
196
00:07:29,650 --> 00:07:30,684
I'll allow it.
197
00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:32,052
That's my thing.
198
00:07:32,119 --> 00:07:35,122
See number 15.
I get your catchphrases.
199
00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:36,456
I see what you're
trying to do here.
200
00:07:36,524 --> 00:07:38,358
You're trying to rattle me,
but it's not gonna work,
201
00:07:38,425 --> 00:07:40,260
because it's just stuff.
Take it all.
202
00:07:40,327 --> 00:07:43,964
Well, that's good,
because that brings me
to our last item.
203
00:07:44,031 --> 00:07:47,835
No. No.
No, no, no, no, no! Hey!
204
00:07:47,901 --> 00:07:50,170
I would rather
be married to you
for another hundred years
205
00:07:50,237 --> 00:07:51,438
than give up
my Kirk Chair.
206
00:07:51,505 --> 00:07:53,907
What's the matter?
It's just stuff, right?
207
00:07:53,974 --> 00:07:56,877
Shatner gave me the chair.
It's the Captain's chair.
208
00:07:56,944 --> 00:07:58,278
It represents my yearning
209
00:07:58,345 --> 00:08:01,715
to boldly go
where no man
has gone before.
210
00:08:01,782 --> 00:08:04,217
Well, now it's gonna
be a dog bed.
211
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:06,687
(ELECTRONIC CHIRPING)
No deal, devil woman.
212
00:08:06,754 --> 00:08:10,290
Now if you'll excuse me,
I have another sham marriage
to attend to.
213
00:08:10,357 --> 00:08:11,692
(GLASS SHATTERS)
214
00:08:11,759 --> 00:08:12,960
L'chaim!
215
00:08:17,230 --> 00:08:18,431
(SINGSONGY)
Always a bridesmaid.
216
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:19,600
You're not a bridesmaid.
217
00:08:19,667 --> 00:08:21,034
Then why am I wearing
a lime green dress?
218
00:08:21,101 --> 00:08:24,638
'Cause you're
a crazy woman.
Now where's that cake?
219
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,674
(SIGHS) I was told
there'd be cake.
220
00:08:26,740 --> 00:08:28,341
(GRUNTS)
221
00:08:28,408 --> 00:08:29,643
You know, your wife
was looking real fine
at the wedding today.
222
00:08:29,710 --> 00:08:30,944
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
(CROWD GROANS)
223
00:08:31,011 --> 00:08:33,080
(SIGHS)
All fine in those
boots and stuff.
224
00:08:33,146 --> 00:08:35,215
Man, that part of the leg
that goes from the top
of the boot
225
00:08:35,282 --> 00:08:38,051
to the bottom of the skirt?
That right there?
226
00:08:38,118 --> 00:08:39,252
F.D.A. approved.
227
00:08:39,319 --> 00:08:40,554
What are you doing?
228
00:08:40,621 --> 00:08:42,923
You pissed? Huh? You want
to punch me in the face?
229
00:08:42,990 --> 00:08:44,958
Little protective
of your wife? Hmm? Huh?
Dude, dude,
230
00:08:45,025 --> 00:08:46,459
I don't like Molly,
okay?
231
00:08:46,526 --> 00:08:47,995
I give you my blessing.
Ask her out.
232
00:08:48,061 --> 00:08:50,430
Seriously,
date my wife, please.
233
00:08:50,497 --> 00:08:51,899
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
234
00:08:51,965 --> 00:08:54,367
This is a beautiful
moment, man.
(CHUCKLES)
235
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:55,969
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
236
00:08:57,404 --> 00:08:59,472
(SIGHS)
237
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,308
Hey.
Hello.
Are you Mr. Price?
238
00:09:01,374 --> 00:09:02,542
Uh, yeah.
Yeah, that's me.
239
00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:04,778
Richard Holden,
Immigration.
240
00:09:04,845 --> 00:09:06,546
Need to speak to you
and your wife, please.
241
00:09:06,614 --> 00:09:07,681
My wife?
242
00:09:08,882 --> 00:09:11,619
Yes! Yes! My wife!
243
00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:13,921
Just, it's so new,
and I mean,
244
00:09:13,987 --> 00:09:17,290
I can't even believe
I'm married. (SCOFFS)
Mistake!
245
00:09:18,659 --> 00:09:20,227
Wedding humor.
You probably don't get it.
246
00:09:20,293 --> 00:09:22,663
I see you're not
wearing a ring.
247
00:09:22,730 --> 00:09:25,599
Neither are you.
Shall we?
248
00:09:25,666 --> 00:09:30,103
I... We weren't
expecting you.
249
00:09:30,170 --> 00:09:34,041
Uh, yes, I like to, uh,
have surprise visits.
250
00:09:34,107 --> 00:09:35,542
It helps
keep people honest.
251
00:09:35,609 --> 00:09:39,847
So, um, you live here,
252
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:42,249
in this place, with your...
253
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:44,151
(PAPER RUSTLING)
...with your wife?
254
00:09:44,217 --> 00:09:46,519
Just the three of us.
"Three"?
255
00:09:46,586 --> 00:09:48,155
Yeah, I'm...
I'm the roommate.
256
00:09:48,221 --> 00:09:50,190
About to move out
tomorrow. (CHUCKLES)
257
00:09:50,257 --> 00:09:53,526
He's gay.
He's a homosexual man
258
00:09:53,593 --> 00:09:56,363
who enjoys hugging
other men sexually.
259
00:09:56,429 --> 00:09:57,731
That's...
That's what he does.
260
00:09:57,798 --> 00:09:58,799
Yep.
261
00:09:58,866 --> 00:10:00,533
Mr. Price, you do know
262
00:10:00,600 --> 00:10:03,370
that lying about
your marital status
is a felony?
263
00:10:03,436 --> 00:10:05,438
Yes, I do know that.
I'm a lawyer.
264
00:10:05,505 --> 00:10:07,941
Uh, I have a car...
You know what?
I don't have a card.
265
00:10:08,008 --> 00:10:09,943
It's more of
a word-of-mouth
kind of thing,
266
00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:12,345
but, um, we should maybe
reschedule this tomorrow,
when my wife is here.
267
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:13,781
I think that would
work much better,
268
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:15,949
so I'll see you then.
Bye-bye now.
If we could just...
269
00:10:16,016 --> 00:10:19,086
Damn it!
That was a disaster!
270
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:21,321
Okay, chicos
and chic-ettes.
271
00:10:21,388 --> 00:10:23,156
The suit from Immigration's
going to be here tonight,
so let's keep it up.
272
00:10:23,223 --> 00:10:25,926
Let's give this man cave
a much-needed estrogen bath.
(SPRAY HISSING)
273
00:10:25,993 --> 00:10:28,628
I've got some mad
bras and panties.
274
00:10:28,696 --> 00:10:30,263
Oh. Oh.
275
00:10:30,330 --> 00:10:32,432
Are you sure
it's necessary for me
to move in here?
276
00:10:32,499 --> 00:10:35,035
Well, look,
it's only temporary,
one, maybe three years.
277
00:10:35,102 --> 00:10:38,672
Three years? I'm sorry.
This is spiraling
out of control.
278
00:10:38,739 --> 00:10:40,007
Maybe I should just
go back to London,
279
00:10:40,073 --> 00:10:42,042
and I can just clear
all of this up there.
280
00:10:42,109 --> 00:10:43,176
Aw, don't...
Ooh.
281
00:10:43,243 --> 00:10:44,511
Oh, jeez.
282
00:10:45,212 --> 00:10:46,413
What the hell?
283
00:10:46,479 --> 00:10:47,514
Don't freak out.
284
00:10:47,580 --> 00:10:49,082
Hardwood floors?
285
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:51,685
I have hardwood floors?
This is awesome!
What's that smell?
286
00:10:51,752 --> 00:10:53,687
(SNIFFS)
Clean?
287
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,055
Love it.
Ah!
288
00:10:55,122 --> 00:10:56,523
Well, this is
the easy part.
289
00:10:56,589 --> 00:10:58,892
The real trick is gonna
get the two of you to walk,
290
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:00,460
talk, and squawk
like newlyweds.
291
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:01,762
Carol. What do
you got for me?
292
00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:03,797
Complete bios
on Cameron and Molly.
293
00:11:03,864 --> 00:11:07,500
Family histories, pet peeves,
personal stats, hobbies,
and sleeping habits.
294
00:11:07,567 --> 00:11:09,036
How do you know that?
295
00:11:09,102 --> 00:11:10,670
(THUNDERCLAP)
296
00:11:11,972 --> 00:11:13,440
It's physically impossible
for anyone
297
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,342
to learn
all this information
in a few hours.
298
00:11:16,643 --> 00:11:18,946
Thanks to me,
you won't have to.
299
00:11:19,612 --> 00:11:20,647
Cam!
Oh.
300
00:11:20,714 --> 00:11:21,949
What's Molly's
mother's name? Quick.
301
00:11:22,015 --> 00:11:23,350
It... She...
Too slow!
302
00:11:23,416 --> 00:11:25,185
You blew it, man!
Now Molly's in prison,
303
00:11:25,252 --> 00:11:27,354
getting her hair braided
by her cell-mate queeny!
304
00:11:27,420 --> 00:11:28,889
Again, perhaps
it might be better
305
00:11:28,956 --> 00:11:30,657
if I just went home
to London.
306
00:11:30,724 --> 00:11:33,727
Nonsense, nonsense.
While you guys are
being interrogated,
307
00:11:33,794 --> 00:11:35,428
just look to the wall
for your answers.
308
00:11:35,495 --> 00:11:39,767
See, right here
we've got Big Momma
next to a map of...
309
00:11:39,833 --> 00:11:40,868
Florence.
310
00:11:40,934 --> 00:11:42,202
That's my mummy's name.
311
00:11:42,269 --> 00:11:44,004
Oz, that's brilliant.
312
00:11:44,071 --> 00:11:45,705
Little trick I learned
from my drinking buddies
in the K.G.B.
313
00:11:45,773 --> 00:11:48,675
K.G.B.?
More like Keyser Soze.
314
00:11:49,442 --> 00:11:50,844
Okay, students.
315
00:11:50,911 --> 00:11:53,513
Today we're going to be
learning about chemistry,
316
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,816
because you two
don't have any.
317
00:11:55,883 --> 00:11:57,751
You know
you're really in trouble
318
00:11:57,818 --> 00:12:02,189
when Buddy and Ricky have
more sexual tension
between them
319
00:12:02,255 --> 00:12:03,290
than you two do.
320
00:12:03,356 --> 00:12:05,658
(GIGGLES)
Does it tickle?
321
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:08,829
Now show me what you got.
Come on. Bring me the heat.
322
00:12:08,896 --> 00:12:10,931
Okay. Chemistry. Right.
323
00:12:10,998 --> 00:12:13,200
So, um...
What?
324
00:12:13,266 --> 00:12:15,668
Maybe just around the...
around the back.
325
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:16,904
There we go, yeah.
326
00:12:16,970 --> 00:12:19,372
Sorry. I... I grazed
some side boob.
327
00:12:19,439 --> 00:12:20,808
That's fine.
Don't do it again.
328
00:12:20,874 --> 00:12:22,943
Yes, do it again.
Do it right now!
329
00:12:23,010 --> 00:12:25,045
Grab her boobs!
This is your
legal property.
330
00:12:25,112 --> 00:12:26,814
Absolutely not.
331
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,182
Well... (SIGHS)
332
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:31,384
I did not want to
have to do this.
333
00:12:31,451 --> 00:12:33,787
Molly? Watch and learn.
334
00:12:33,854 --> 00:12:34,922
What?
Okay, I'm coming in.
335
00:12:34,988 --> 00:12:36,623
Oh, goodness.
We're here.
336
00:12:36,689 --> 00:12:38,091
Here we go.
337
00:12:38,158 --> 00:12:40,193
Ah.
I want a raise.
I want a raise!
338
00:12:45,665 --> 00:12:48,368
Barkeep?
Another mudslide.
339
00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:50,971
Make it two.
Hold the mud.
Double bourbon.
340
00:12:51,038 --> 00:12:53,273
Oz. What are
you doing here?
341
00:12:53,340 --> 00:12:55,175
I'm drinking
my wife away.
342
00:12:55,242 --> 00:12:57,945
Oh. (CHUCKLES)
Marriage trouble, eh?
343
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,412
Oof. (SIGHS)
344
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:03,050
Can't believe
I'm gonna say this,
but I can relate.
345
00:13:03,116 --> 00:13:06,053
I don't think
I can go through
with this interview.
346
00:13:06,119 --> 00:13:09,356
Every fiber of my being
is telling me
it's a mistake.
347
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,958
Getting married
for a Green Card?
348
00:13:11,024 --> 00:13:14,161
Ah, don't beat yourself up.
I'm staying married
for a chair.
349
00:13:15,162 --> 00:13:16,729
A chair?
Yeah.
350
00:13:16,796 --> 00:13:18,031
That's absurd.
351
00:13:18,098 --> 00:13:19,699
Hey, I prefer
my drinking partners
352
00:13:19,766 --> 00:13:21,568
to be a little
less judgmental.
353
00:13:22,469 --> 00:13:24,371
Sorry.
354
00:13:24,437 --> 00:13:25,873
But at least
my sham marriage
355
00:13:25,939 --> 00:13:28,708
helps me keep my life,
my job, and my friends.
356
00:13:28,775 --> 00:13:31,044
Well, sounds like
a pretty good deal to me.
357
00:13:34,882 --> 00:13:36,783
Yes, I suppose it does.
358
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:42,555
Thank you, Oz.
359
00:13:42,622 --> 00:13:45,725
I hope you and your chair
are very happy together.
360
00:13:45,792 --> 00:13:48,561
MAN:
* I want to take
you away somehow *
361
00:13:55,202 --> 00:13:56,904
Got your text.
(DOOR CLOSES)
362
00:13:56,970 --> 00:13:59,139
Come to your senses?
363
00:13:59,206 --> 00:14:00,373
The Con is yours.
364
00:14:01,741 --> 00:14:03,576
I don't even know
what that means.
365
00:14:03,643 --> 00:14:05,245
Then why do you
want the chair?
366
00:14:05,312 --> 00:14:08,148
Because driving you crazy
makes me hot.
367
00:14:08,215 --> 00:14:11,151
Must be quite cozy for you,
considering you are the devil.
368
00:14:11,218 --> 00:14:13,820
What can I say?
You bring out
the worst in me.
369
00:14:13,887 --> 00:14:15,923
Really?
Well, that would imply
that there is some good
370
00:14:15,989 --> 00:14:17,824
in that black,
twisted heart of yours.
371
00:14:17,891 --> 00:14:20,060
Oh, if I have
a black, twisted heart,
372
00:14:20,127 --> 00:14:21,861
it's because
you put it there, mister.
Oh, please.
373
00:14:21,929 --> 00:14:23,696
Like everything is my...
I'll allow it!
I'll allow it!
374
00:14:23,763 --> 00:14:25,232
I'll allow it!
Stop saying that!
You know what?
375
00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:26,366
BOTH: I hate you!
376
00:14:26,433 --> 00:14:28,601
(BOTH MOANING AND GRUNTING)
377
00:14:30,337 --> 00:14:31,905
(BOTH PANT)
(BEEP)
378
00:14:34,407 --> 00:14:36,309
RICHARD: Okay, guys.
We're almost done here.
379
00:14:36,376 --> 00:14:38,178
I have one more thing
to ask.
380
00:14:38,245 --> 00:14:39,779
How did you
pop the question?
381
00:14:39,846 --> 00:14:41,848
It's so romantic
to hear these stories.
382
00:14:42,849 --> 00:14:44,617
Yeah, um...
383
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:47,454
Well, we were on
her father's ranch,
384
00:14:47,520 --> 00:14:48,821
riding horses,
385
00:14:48,888 --> 00:14:51,558
and as we reached
the river,
386
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:55,895
I gazed deep into
Molly's blue eyes,
387
00:14:55,963 --> 00:14:57,764
and said, "Molly Hughes,
388
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:00,167
"will you be my wife?"
389
00:15:00,233 --> 00:15:02,936
They've already
answered 30 questions.
They're acing it.
390
00:15:03,003 --> 00:15:07,540
You know, I was skeptical
of this whole situation
at first, but...
391
00:15:08,976 --> 00:15:11,344
I think you two
are a terrific couple.
392
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,980
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
393
00:15:13,046 --> 00:15:14,614
Yeah.
Thank you.
394
00:15:14,681 --> 00:15:16,449
So I think we're done.
395
00:15:16,516 --> 00:15:18,218
Yes.
(RICHARD AND MOLLY CHUCKLE)
396
00:15:18,285 --> 00:15:23,790
Oh, my. But, you know,
I do have one last question.
397
00:15:23,856 --> 00:15:26,526
Who made this
very interesting art piece?
398
00:15:26,593 --> 00:15:28,495
(BOTH STAMMER)
Our daughter made it.
399
00:15:29,796 --> 00:15:31,698
Oh. You have kids?
400
00:15:31,764 --> 00:15:33,300
Yes.
No.
401
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:36,569
Well... She...
Molly's pregnant!
402
00:15:36,636 --> 00:15:38,605
What?
Yeah! Surprise!
403
00:15:38,671 --> 00:15:39,973
It's a boy!
Shut up.
404
00:15:40,040 --> 00:15:43,243
And a girl! And we...
(MUMBLES)
405
00:15:43,310 --> 00:15:44,811
All right. Well, it was
nice to talk to you.
406
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:46,179
Whoa.
407
00:15:46,246 --> 00:15:48,982
Now that is
what I call chemistry.
No.
408
00:15:53,720 --> 00:15:55,522
I really gotta go.
409
00:15:55,588 --> 00:15:58,525
You said that
three sexes ago.
410
00:15:58,591 --> 00:16:01,561
I know.
I mean it this time, though.
411
00:16:01,628 --> 00:16:03,163
All right, well,
I'll have the chair
wrapped up
412
00:16:03,230 --> 00:16:04,864
and delivered
to you tomorrow.
413
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:06,299
(SIGHS)
Keep the chair, Oz.
414
00:16:06,366 --> 00:16:08,868
What? That's what
this whole thing was about.
415
00:16:08,935 --> 00:16:13,273
(SIGHS) No.
It was to see if you were
serious about ending this.
416
00:16:13,340 --> 00:16:16,543
The fact that
you gave it to me
means that you are.
417
00:16:18,511 --> 00:16:19,712
Boop.
418
00:16:22,882 --> 00:16:24,417
I hate you.
419
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,053
(DOOR OPENS)
420
00:16:26,119 --> 00:16:27,420
(SIGHS DEEPLY)
421
00:16:28,021 --> 00:16:29,522
There you are.
422
00:16:29,589 --> 00:16:32,925
Oh, my God.
How did this fit
in the microwave?
423
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:34,827
I didn't do it
in the microwave, silly.
424
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:35,928
I used the oven.
425
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:37,964
I have an oven?
(LAUGHS)
426
00:16:38,031 --> 00:16:40,367
Just consider it
a "thank you"
for everything.
427
00:16:40,433 --> 00:16:43,136
Hey, you're the one
who saved the day
with the kiss.
428
00:16:43,203 --> 00:16:45,004
Yes, um,
I'm sorry about that.
429
00:16:45,072 --> 00:16:48,175
I... I had to make it
look convincing.
(CHUCKLES)
430
00:16:49,209 --> 00:16:50,610
(BELL DINGS)
431
00:16:50,677 --> 00:16:53,012
Oh. Uh, that's dessert.
432
00:16:53,080 --> 00:16:55,415
Only the very best
for my hubby
from here on out.
433
00:16:55,482 --> 00:16:58,251
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know what
everyone's bitching about.
434
00:16:58,318 --> 00:17:00,220
Marriage is awesome.
435
00:17:00,287 --> 00:17:01,821
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
436
00:17:03,456 --> 00:17:04,691
Uh...
437
00:17:09,362 --> 00:17:11,331
(WHISPERING)
Oh. Damn it.
438
00:17:12,132 --> 00:17:14,033
Oh, God.
439
00:17:15,001 --> 00:17:16,903
What's up, man?
440
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:19,672
(LOWERED VOICE) Yeah, uh,
I'm here to speak to
the woman of the house.
441
00:17:19,739 --> 00:17:21,541
(LOWERED VOICE)
What is that smell?
442
00:17:21,608 --> 00:17:23,776
It's my cologne.
It's Luke, by Mark Hamill.
443
00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:25,378
He sells it out
the trunk of his Corvette.
444
00:17:25,445 --> 00:17:26,979
He also sells fireworks.
445
00:17:27,046 --> 00:17:28,981
Listen, this is...
this is kind of
a bad time.
446
00:17:29,048 --> 00:17:30,783
Oh, I'm sorry.
Am I interrupting?
447
00:17:30,850 --> 00:17:33,553
Too bad, 'cause I'm here
to ask out your wife.
448
00:17:33,620 --> 00:17:35,122
Come on. Dude,
is this about the kiss?
449
00:17:35,188 --> 00:17:36,323
You know we had
to sell it.
450
00:17:36,389 --> 00:17:37,690
Oh, you sold it,
all right.
451
00:17:37,757 --> 00:17:39,892
You sold your best friend
down the river.
452
00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:42,095
Now step aside,
'cause I got a wife to woo.
453
00:17:42,162 --> 00:17:43,863
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
454
00:17:43,930 --> 00:17:45,198
Cameron, who is it?
455
00:17:45,265 --> 00:17:47,800
(NORMAL VOICE)
It's one of those, uh,
Jehovah's pizza guys
456
00:17:47,867 --> 00:17:49,869
selling girl scout
magazines.
457
00:17:49,936 --> 00:17:52,672
Oh, you better not close
that door. Oh, it is on!
458
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:55,675
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
459
00:17:56,676 --> 00:17:58,778
Cement? Really?
460
00:17:58,845 --> 00:18:01,448
Okay, so that's
how it's gonna be.
461
00:18:01,514 --> 00:18:03,450
Honey badger
don't give a damn.
462
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:05,418
Okay. All right, fine.
You know what?
463
00:18:05,485 --> 00:18:06,686
Two can play this game.
464
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,188
What do you got?
You got nothing.
465
00:18:08,255 --> 00:18:09,656
You can't beat
the prank master.
466
00:18:09,722 --> 00:18:10,990
Well, what's this?
467
00:18:11,057 --> 00:18:13,560
No. Put that down.
You're crossing the line.
468
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:17,364
Mmm? Ooh.
Little ballroom dancing?
469
00:18:17,430 --> 00:18:19,132
No, he is not
a ballroom dancer!
470
00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,201
Oh, m'scrote!
471
00:18:21,268 --> 00:18:22,335
That is my destiny!
472
00:18:22,402 --> 00:18:23,470
Balls!
473
00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:25,004
Dude, give me that.
474
00:18:25,071 --> 00:18:26,673
He likes it.
He's building
a home down there.
475
00:18:26,739 --> 00:18:29,075
Hey! Hey!
What is going on here?
476
00:18:29,142 --> 00:18:30,810
I'll tell you
what's going on.
477
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,380
My best friend
slammed the door
in my face 'cause of you.
478
00:18:33,446 --> 00:18:35,114
You know what?
Don't bring
my wife into this!
479
00:18:35,182 --> 00:18:36,683
Fake wife!
Or so you claim!
480
00:18:36,749 --> 00:18:38,918
Oh, it feels so good
down here! Oh! Oh!
481
00:18:38,985 --> 00:18:41,788
Enough! Look!
482
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:46,659
The whole point
of this marriage was
for me to keep my friends,
483
00:18:46,726 --> 00:18:48,461
not split them up,
484
00:18:48,528 --> 00:18:52,131
but if this is how
you're gonna act,
then I'm going home.
485
00:18:55,902 --> 00:18:57,370
"Going home"?
486
00:18:58,605 --> 00:19:00,907
I can't believe
I lost my crazy wife.
487
00:19:00,973 --> 00:19:02,875
I can't believe
I lost my fake wife.
488
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:06,713
I can't believe
I lost my future wife.
489
00:19:06,779 --> 00:19:09,549
Can I give you sad sacks
a little advice?
490
00:19:09,616 --> 00:19:11,218
ALL: No.
491
00:19:11,284 --> 00:19:13,720
Let me tell you
a little something
about the womens.
492
00:19:13,786 --> 00:19:17,089
Yeah, we be crazy.
Yeah, we be shopping.
493
00:19:17,857 --> 00:19:19,226
But you know what?
494
00:19:19,292 --> 00:19:23,029
At the end of the day,
we're romantics.
495
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:26,199
We just want
to feel wanted.
496
00:19:28,067 --> 00:19:30,570
So if you really
want her back,
497
00:19:30,637 --> 00:19:33,640
why don't you
just go get her?
498
00:19:33,706 --> 00:19:36,843
That was actually some
pretty sage advice,
Veronica.
499
00:19:36,909 --> 00:19:37,977
(RATTLING)
500
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,012
Yeah, I'm pretty baked
right now.
501
00:19:42,382 --> 00:19:43,650
Let's go.
502
00:19:54,627 --> 00:19:57,196
(GASPS)
What the hell are
you doing here?
503
00:19:57,264 --> 00:19:58,498
(THUD)
504
00:19:58,565 --> 00:19:59,766
I gave you what you wanted.
505
00:19:59,832 --> 00:20:01,401
No, you didn't,
506
00:20:01,468 --> 00:20:04,637
'cause I didn't know
what I wanted
until right now.
507
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:08,007
Amy Kyleen Osbourne,
508
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:09,676
would you do me the honor
of not divorcing me?
509
00:20:11,378 --> 00:20:12,812
Wait, you want to
be married again?
510
00:20:12,879 --> 00:20:14,947
Hell, no.
511
00:20:15,014 --> 00:20:17,250
Then what are we?
I have no idea.
512
00:20:23,155 --> 00:20:24,657
We're just us.
513
00:20:27,794 --> 00:20:29,228
I'll allow it.
514
00:20:29,296 --> 00:20:31,931
Yeah, this is good
right here.
515
00:20:31,998 --> 00:20:33,266
Let's go.
516
00:20:36,369 --> 00:20:37,804
Can I help you?
517
00:20:37,870 --> 00:20:39,939
Mr. Hughes, we're here
for your daughter Molly.
518
00:20:42,108 --> 00:20:44,010
She lives in America.
519
00:20:44,076 --> 00:20:45,978
Well, yeah, she told us
she was going home.
520
00:20:46,045 --> 00:20:47,079
She hasn't told me that.
521
00:20:48,315 --> 00:20:50,417
Oh, bollocks.
522
00:20:50,483 --> 00:20:51,984
What? I...
I don't get it.
523
00:20:52,051 --> 00:20:54,821
Her apartment
across the street
from work.
524
00:20:56,589 --> 00:20:58,425
Oh, bollocks!
525
00:20:59,726 --> 00:21:01,260
Would you like
a cup of tea?
526
00:21:03,363 --> 00:21:05,498
(BOTH MUTTER)
527
00:21:05,565 --> 00:21:07,934
Oh, my God.
I spoke to my father.
528
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:11,571
You two idiots
went to London?
For me?
529
00:21:11,638 --> 00:21:14,574
Because I'm a terrible liar
and insanely jet-lagged,
530
00:21:14,641 --> 00:21:16,643
I'm just
gonna say, "Yes."
531
00:21:16,709 --> 00:21:19,446
Just when I think
I'm done with you two,
532
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,349
you do something
like this,
533
00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:24,951
and I love you
even more. (KISSES)
534
00:21:29,155 --> 00:21:30,957
What the hell
does that mean?
535
00:21:31,023 --> 00:21:33,693
Dude, I don't even know
what day it is.
536
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:34,827
She kissed me.
40197
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