Original subtitles

(IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT) Oh, Cash.

You saved me from Skeletor. How romantic.

(DEEP VOICE) Anything for my soul mate Molly.

Now let me lay you down on this Tauntaun-skin rug and make some sweet...

Stop, stop, stop!

I feel like I'm about to see something I can't un-see.

(NORMAL VOICE) Dude. This is called a destiny diorama.

I'm visualizing my future with Molly so it'll come true.

Yeah, we're gonna live in Castle Grayskull.

(GRUNTS AND MUTTERS)

Okay, well, I don't get what you see in her,

but power to ya. Go for it.

Oh, I will. I'm gonna ask her out. Yeah.

I'm just building up my nerve. I'll do it in one...

Maybe two years.

I got plenty of time.

I'm being deported in three weeks.

No! Oh, my God! This is terrible!

How can this be happening to me?

Well, it's mostly happening to me.

My work visa expired because you never filled out the extension.

(UNDER BREATH) Yeah, I did.

Really? Well, pardon my French, but bollocks!

It's here, covered with coffee stains and penis doodles.

All right, all right. Everybody shutty. We can fight this.

I know a guy who knows a guy

who can bribe a guy at Immigration.

Hello. Agent Benson, please.

I see. I see. Good day.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS) He's dead.

Well, as H.R.,

I could petition the court for a stay of deportation,

but that could take months,

so your best option is to make me your bride.

(WHISPERS) It's legal.

Wait a minute. Yes. Okay.

Oh, my gosh.

You're gonna get married just like in that movie Green Card

where that fat French guy convinces Andie MacDowell that he's not an uggo.

(CAROL AND VERONICA SQUEAL)

Stop. No, stop.

When I used to fantasize about my wedding day,

a sham marriage is not what I had pictured.

Of course I'll marry you, Prince William.

I just have to let Hugh Grant down gently

and quit the Spice Girls.

(IMITATES DEEP VOICE) Oh, brilliant, Molly.

Now let's do some kissy-kissy with our shirts off.

(GIGGLES)

A wedding is a sacred bond between two people,

not to be trifled with.

(SCOFFS) Come on. I've trifled with that bitch four times.

You just say, "I do,"

and then when the bouncy-bouncy dies down,

you pull the rip cord and smoke a jay. No big whoop.

Wonderful.

Oz, what's going on with Molly?

Cash is freaking out over here.

Look, nobody wants the girl to stick around more than me.

When it comes to Veronica, Molly is my buffer.

She's my Buffy.

She's my rock.

She's the only one here that uses correct postage.

She will be missed.

Who am I gonna watch Downton Abbey with?

It's "Downtown." "Downtown Abbey."

Yeah, it's "Downtown." (WHISPERS) Ricky.

I'm pretty sure it's "Downtown."

Are we talking about the same Molly?

The one who leaves passive-aggressive post-it notes

all over my desk?

(IMITATES BRITISH ACCENT) "Cameron, thank you so much

"for cleaning the office microwave."

Sounds okay to me.

No. I didn't clean it. She's being a dick.

Screw my 1-slash-2-year plan.

It's time I become her superhero and keep her in the country.

The hell is that? (ELECTRONIC CHIRP)

It's my master replica green lantern engagement ring.

Easy, cupcake. When it comes to Molly,

she needs somebody who's all business,

not somebody who wants to get up in her business.

Yeah, Oz is right. You're way too emotionally involved.

Lucky for us, I am not.

Now the fate of this office depends on Molly sticking around.

That's why I'm gonna jump on this grenade and marry the girl myself.

I couldn't help but overhear, you know,

because I was hiding behind the Tron machine, spying.

(WHISPERS) You can't marry Molly. You already have a wife.

(SCOFFS) I think I'd know if I was married.

Son of a bitch.

So we got married in March 2005,

and then, oh, look, married again in June 2010...

Uh-huh. And then divorced in July...

Yeah.

And then, yes,

we ran into each other last year in Cozumel... (SIGHS)

Got crazy drunk on tequila, and tied the knot again.

Oh. I guess we both ate the worm on that one, huh?

(SIGHS)

So we're married. What now?

(CLEARS THROAT)

(ROMANTIC THEME PLAYING) Amy Kyleen Osbourne,

would you make me the happiest man on planet Earth,

and grant me a divorce?

Oh, Oz.

It's such a big decision. What's a girl to do? No.

(MUSIC WARPS AND STOPS) "No"? What do you mean, "No"?

You loathe me. I loathe you.

That is the one thing we agree on.

Because what's the point?

We get together, and then we break up,

and then we have insane monkey sex...

Mmm-hmm.

And then we get back together,

so why not save the legal fees and just stay married?

'Cause this time, I mean it.

Okay. Well, I need to tell you that...

(WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY) ...got something pierced.

Oh, really? Mmm.

Oh, no, no! No, no, no.

I don't care what you got pierced.

Sign the papers.

Legal fees it is.

(SIGHS)

AMY: Unless... (UNDOES ZIPPER)

Ooh!

Still a "no."

Nice piercing.

Hey, Molly.

I'd like you to meet Thor,

my personal trainer and your future husband.

Come on, Thor. Give her a peek under the hood.

Am I right? Huh?

(EXCLAIMING)

No offense, Mr. Thor, but I think I'll pass.

(SIGHS) Oh, great.

Well, you really screwed this one up. All right.

My place, usual time. Wear the thing.

Look, Veronica,

if I go through with this marriage,

it has to be 100% platonic.

No money, no sex, no love. Just like my parents.

All right. Let me get this straight.

So you want a plain, bland, vanilla, boring

Joe Shmoe who, sounds like, doesn't even like you.

Really? A post-it note on my windshield?

Yes. Got your attention, didn't it?

Perhaps now you'll hand in your expense reports

before I'm kicked out the country.

Maybe I will, maybe I won't.

Well, it would be very useful if you...

I don't know. Would, please, because...

Well, maybe I could... "Please" what?

Please hand them in. "Them"? "Them" now?

It would be nice and professional of you... When are you talking about?

If you could just hand them in like everybody else

in the office has, on time... Well, it would be very professional

if you sent me an e-mail and stopped...

Three days ago, I sent you two e-mails. Ooh. Ooh.

BOTH: What?

Oz, thank God. Uh, Veronica's forcing me to marry Molly.

And please don't say... I'll allow it.

No, just because you allow it

doesn't mean it has to be allowed. Yes, it does.

We're gonna have a dummy wedding, and you are the dummy.

You're gonna sign some papers,

answer a few questions, and bam!

In two years' time, you get a quickie divorce. You're a free man.

Two years?

I'll wait for her. It fits into my 1-slash-2-year plan.

No, you don't have to wait. You can have her.

No. No, you can't.

Oz, I'll never pass the immigration interview.

You know I'm the worst liar ever.

(BEEPS)

Who are you?

I work here.

I'm Dick Biggens.

Porn star Dick Biggens?

I have to admit...

I have very little faith in you, but we're out of options.

Help us, Cameron. You're our only hope.

No. No way. There's no way in hell.

He said, "Yes"! (LAUGHS)

(WE GOT YOUR BACK PLAYING)

* We got your back

So, haven't heard from your attorneys.

Have you signed the papers, or what?

Depends on if you agree to the pre-div.

What? It's like a reverse pre-nup.

It's just a little list of demands

before I grant you your freedom.

"Boat, house, houseboat, diamond..." Are you insane?

You want me to buy you a disengagement ring?

I'll allow it.

That's my thing.

See number 15. I get your catchphrases.

I see what you're trying to do here.

You're trying to rattle me, but it's not gonna work,

because it's just stuff. Take it all.

Well, that's good, because that brings me to our last item.

No. No. No, no, no, no, no! Hey!

I would rather be married to you for another hundred years

than give up my Kirk Chair.

What's the matter? It's just stuff, right?

Shatner gave me the chair. It's the Captain's chair.

It represents my yearning

to boldly go where no man has gone before.

Well, now it's gonna be a dog bed.

(ELECTRONIC CHIRPING) No deal, devil woman.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have another sham marriage to attend to.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

L'chaim!

(SINGSONGY) Always a bridesmaid.

You're not a bridesmaid.

Then why am I wearing a lime green dress?

'Cause you're a crazy woman. Now where's that cake?

(SIGHS) I was told there'd be cake.

(GRUNTS)

You know, your wife was looking real fine at the wedding today.

(WHISTLE BLOWS) (CROWD GROANS)

(SIGHS) All fine in those boots and stuff.

Man, that part of the leg that goes from the top of the boot

to the bottom of the skirt? That right there?

F.D.A. approved.

What are you doing?

You pissed? Huh? You want to punch me in the face?

Little protective of your wife? Hmm? Huh? Dude, dude,

I don't like Molly, okay?

I give you my blessing. Ask her out.

Seriously, date my wife, please.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

This is a beautiful moment, man. (CHUCKLES)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

(SIGHS)

Hey. Hello. Are you Mr. Price?

Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's me.

Richard Holden, Immigration.

Need to speak to you and your wife, please.

My wife?

Yes! Yes! My wife!

Just, it's so new, and I mean,

I can't even believe I'm married. (SCOFFS) Mistake!

Wedding humor. You probably don't get it.

I see you're not wearing a ring.

Neither are you. Shall we?

I... We weren't expecting you.

Uh, yes, I like to, uh, have surprise visits.

It helps keep people honest.

So, um, you live here,

in this place, with your...

(PAPER RUSTLING) ...with your wife?

Just the three of us. "Three"?

Yeah, I'm... I'm the roommate.

About to move out tomorrow. (CHUCKLES)

He's gay. He's a homosexual man

who enjoys hugging other men sexually.

That's... That's what he does.

Yep.

Mr. Price, you do know

that lying about your marital status is a felony?

Yes, I do know that. I'm a lawyer.

Uh, I have a car... You know what? I don't have a card.

It's more of a word-of-mouth kind of thing,

but, um, we should maybe reschedule this tomorrow, when my wife is here.

I think that would work much better,

so I'll see you then. Bye-bye now. If we could just...

Damn it! That was a disaster!

Okay, chicos and chic-ettes.

The suit from Immigration's going to be here tonight, so let's keep it up.

Let's give this man cave a much-needed estrogen bath. (SPRAY HISSING)

I've got some mad bras and panties.

Oh. Oh.

Are you sure it's necessary for me to move in here?

Well, look, it's only temporary, one, maybe three years.

Three years? I'm sorry. This is spiraling out of control.

Maybe I should just go back to London,

and I can just clear all of this up there.

Aw, don't... Ooh.

Oh, jeez.

What the hell?

Don't freak out.

Hardwood floors?

I have hardwood floors? This is awesome! What's that smell?

(SNIFFS) Clean?

Love it. Ah!

Well, this is the easy part.

The real trick is gonna get the two of you to walk,

talk, and squawk like newlyweds.

Carol. What do you got for me?

Complete bios on Cameron and Molly.

Family histories, pet peeves, personal stats, hobbies, and sleeping habits.

How do you know that?

(THUNDERCLAP)

It's physically impossible for anyone

to learn all this information in a few hours.

Thanks to me, you won't have to.

Cam! Oh.

What's Molly's mother's name? Quick.

It... She... Too slow!

You blew it, man! Now Molly's in prison,

getting her hair braided by her cell-mate queeny!

Again, perhaps it might be better

if I just went home to London.

Nonsense, nonsense. While you guys are being interrogated,

just look to the wall for your answers.

See, right here we've got Big Momma next to a map of...

Florence.

That's my mummy's name.

Oz, that's brilliant.

Little trick I learned from my drinking buddies in the K.G.B.

K.G.B.? More like Keyser Soze.

Okay, students.

Today we're going to be learning about chemistry,

because you two don't have any.

You know you're really in trouble

when Buddy and Ricky have more sexual tension between them

than you two do.

(GIGGLES) Does it tickle?

Now show me what you got. Come on. Bring me the heat.

Okay. Chemistry. Right.

So, um... What?

Maybe just around the... around the back.

There we go, yeah.

Sorry. I... I grazed some side boob.

That's fine. Don't do it again.

Yes, do it again. Do it right now!

Grab her boobs! This is your legal property.

Absolutely not.

Well... (SIGHS)

I did not want to have to do this.

Molly? Watch and learn.

What? Okay, I'm coming in.

Oh, goodness. We're here.

Here we go.

Ah. I want a raise. I want a raise!

Barkeep? Another mudslide.

Make it two. Hold the mud. Double bourbon.

Oz. What are you doing here?

I'm drinking my wife away.

Oh. (CHUCKLES) Marriage trouble, eh?

Oof. (SIGHS)

Can't believe I'm gonna say this, but I can relate.

I don't think I can go through with this interview.

Every fiber of my being is telling me it's a mistake.

Getting married for a Green Card?

Ah, don't beat yourself up. I'm staying married for a chair.

A chair? Yeah.

That's absurd.

Hey, I prefer my drinking partners

to be a little less judgmental.

Sorry.

But at least my sham marriage

helps me keep my life, my job, and my friends.

Well, sounds like a pretty good deal to me.

Yes, I suppose it does.

Thank you, Oz.

I hope you and your chair are very happy together.

MAN: * I want to take you away somehow *

Got your text. (DOOR CLOSES)

Come to your senses?

The Con is yours.

I don't even know what that means.

Then why do you want the chair?

Because driving you crazy makes me hot.

Must be quite cozy for you, considering you are the devil.

What can I say? You bring out the worst in me.

Really? Well, that would imply that there is some good

in that black, twisted heart of yours.

Oh, if I have a black, twisted heart,

it's because you put it there, mister. Oh, please.

Like everything is my... I'll allow it! I'll allow it!

I'll allow it! Stop saying that! You know what?

BOTH: I hate you!

(BOTH MOANING AND GRUNTING)

(BOTH PANT) (BEEP)

RICHARD: Okay, guys. We're almost done here.

I have one more thing to ask.

How did you pop the question?

It's so romantic to hear these stories.

Yeah, um...

Well, we were on her father's ranch,

riding horses,

and as we reached the river,

I gazed deep into Molly's blue eyes,

and said, "Molly Hughes,

"will you be my wife?"

They've already answered 30 questions. They're acing it.

You know, I was skeptical of this whole situation at first, but...

I think you two are a terrific couple.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

Yeah. Thank you.

So I think we're done.

Yes. (RICHARD AND MOLLY CHUCKLE)

Oh, my. But, you know, I do have one last question.

Who made this very interesting art piece?

(BOTH STAMMER) Our daughter made it.

Oh. You have kids?

Yes. No.

Well... She... Molly's pregnant!

What? Yeah! Surprise!

It's a boy! Shut up.

And a girl! And we... (MUMBLES)

All right. Well, it was nice to talk to you.

Whoa.

Now that is what I call chemistry. No.

I really gotta go.

You said that three sexes ago.

I know. I mean it this time, though.

All right, well, I'll have the chair wrapped up

and delivered to you tomorrow.

(SIGHS) Keep the chair, Oz.

What? That's what this whole thing was about.

(SIGHS) No. It was to see if you were serious about ending this.

The fact that you gave it to me means that you are.

Boop.

I hate you.

(DOOR OPENS)

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

There you are.

Oh, my God. How did this fit in the microwave?

I didn't do it in the microwave, silly.

I used the oven.

I have an oven? (LAUGHS)

Just consider it a "thank you" for everything.

Hey, you're the one who saved the day with the kiss.

Yes, um, I'm sorry about that.

I... I had to make it look convincing. (CHUCKLES)

(BELL DINGS)

Oh. Uh, that's dessert.

Only the very best for my hubby from here on out.

(CHUCKLES) I don't know what everyone's bitching about.

Marriage is awesome.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Uh...

(WHISPERING) Oh. Damn it.

Oh, God.

What's up, man?

(LOWERED VOICE) Yeah, uh, I'm here to speak to the woman of the house.

(LOWERED VOICE) What is that smell?

It's my cologne. It's Luke, by Mark Hamill.

He sells it out the trunk of his Corvette.

He also sells fireworks.

Listen, this is... this is kind of a bad time.

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I interrupting?

Too bad, 'cause I'm here to ask out your wife.

Come on. Dude, is this about the kiss?

You know we had to sell it.

Oh, you sold it, all right.

You sold your best friend down the river.

Now step aside, 'cause I got a wife to woo.

Wait, wait, wait, wait!

Cameron, who is it?

(NORMAL VOICE) It's one of those, uh, Jehovah's pizza guys

selling girl scout magazines.

Oh, you better not close that door. Oh, it is on!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Cement? Really?

Okay, so that's how it's gonna be.

Honey badger don't give a damn.

Okay. All right, fine. You know what?

Two can play this game.

What do you got? You got nothing.

You can't beat the prank master.

Well, what's this?

No. Put that down. You're crossing the line.

Mmm? Ooh. Little ballroom dancing?

No, he is not a ballroom dancer!

Oh, m'scrote!

That is my destiny!

Balls!

Dude, give me that.

He likes it. He's building a home down there.

Hey! Hey! What is going on here?

I'll tell you what's going on.

My best friend slammed the door in my face 'cause of you.

You know what? Don't bring my wife into this!

Fake wife! Or so you claim!

Oh, it feels so good down here! Oh! Oh!

Enough! Look!

The whole point of this marriage was for me to keep my friends,

not split them up,

but if this is how you're gonna act, then I'm going home.

"Going home"?

I can't believe I lost my crazy wife.

I can't believe I lost my fake wife.

I can't believe I lost my future wife.

Can I give you sad sacks a little advice?

ALL: No.

Let me tell you a little something about the womens.

Yeah, we be crazy. Yeah, we be shopping.

But you know what?

At the end of the day, we're romantics.

We just want to feel wanted.

So if you really want her back,

why don't you just go get her?

That was actually some pretty sage advice, Veronica.

(RATTLING)

Yeah, I'm pretty baked right now.

Let's go.

(GASPS) What the hell are you doing here?

(THUD)

I gave you what you wanted.

No, you didn't,

'cause I didn't know what I wanted until right now.

Amy Kyleen Osbourne,

would you do me the honor of not divorcing me?

Wait, you want to be married again?

Hell, no.

Then what are we? I have no idea.

We're just us.

I'll allow it.

Yeah, this is good right here.

Let's go.

Can I help you?

Mr. Hughes, we're here for your daughter Molly.

She lives in America.

Well, yeah, she told us she was going home.

She hasn't told me that.

Oh, bollocks.

What? I... I don't get it.

Her apartment across the street from work.

Oh, bollocks!

Would you like a cup of tea?

(BOTH MUTTER)

Oh, my God. I spoke to my father.

You two idiots went to London? For me?

Because I'm a terrible liar and insanely jet-lagged,

I'm just gonna say, "Yes."

Just when I think I'm done with you two,

you do something like this,

and I love you even more. (KISSES)

What the hell does that mean?

Dude, I don't even know what day it is.

She kissed me.