Original subtitles

CASH: Sweet, sweet Molly, you will be mine.

D-d-d-d-doo-doo, doo-doo.

CAROL: Peekaboo. (GASPS)

Carol.

Which one of these dudes would you want to ask you out?

Okay. Chris Rock?

(IMITATES CHRIS ROCK) Let a black man take you out on a date!

Tired, tired, tired, tired, tired!

(IMITATES WILLIAM SHATNER) Captain's log, star date...

This evening. I want to...

take you where no woman has gone before.

(IMITATES MORGAN FREEMAN) Good evening. I'm Morgan Freeman.

(AS DARTH VADER) I can be your father,

your daddy, whatever you need me to be.

(IMITATES KERMIT THE FROG) Um, you could be my Miss Piggy

if you want to.

Just be yourself.

(WHISPERS) That's how I land all my bone buddies.

(NORMAL VOICE) Gross to know. Thanks for the advice.

I guess I'll be myself...

Or Denzel Washington.

(IMITATES DENZEL WASHINGTON) Hey.

(LAUGHS) Okay, Molly, okay.

Oh. (NORMAL VOICE) You know what? Uh...

Um, sorry.

Cash, did you, uh, did you need something?

Uh...

Are you into tagging?

Excuse me?

I was thinking maybe we can go sometime.

Game on, girl.

(CLICKING)

(WHIRRING)

Oh, laser tag. The game where children

run around after each other with flashlights.

It's not quite my cup of tea, but thank you, anyway.

Okay. All right. Heh.

Seems someone's got a hankering for an English muffin, huh?

Yeah, I mean, every time I ask her out, it's just...

(IMITATES GUNSHOTS)

(GRUNTS)

Well, maybe if you found a common interest with her...

But that's why I asked her to go laser tagging.

It's historically the world's greatest crossover activity.

Let me stop you right there.

Laser tag is the world's greatest nothing.

(POP) Oh!

(WHISPERS) Gotcha.

(BLOWS AIR)

What? Really? A T-shirt launcher?

Come on. Those things are for stadiums.

That's to get you fired up, 'cause I've got news!

You, sir, have been hand-selected... What?

To join me at the O.C.P. Leadership Conference

in San Diego this weekend.

Am I being punished or something?

No, no, I see big things in your future,

like some sweet O.C.P. swag.

You're taking Cameron

to the O.C.P. Leadership Conference? Really?

Him? No offense.

Uh, much taken. You know what, Veronica?

I'd be honored to go with you to the O.C.P. Conference

and to wear my new O.C.P. T-shirt...

Or nightgown.

Man gown.

Look at where we're staying for the O.C.P. Conference.

I mean, they've got air conditioning,

an ice machine, free mini shampoos...

Oh, wow. So it's like a hotel.

You have to know Vee only picked you

because she wants to play grab-ass with your man muffins.

Maybe she invited me to a leadership conference

because she thinks I'm a leader.

Nah. She picked Cammy for his sweet hammy.

He's right. You know Vee's got a long history of sexual harassment.

Hey there.

Have you heard that new song by The Police,

Please Stand Really, Really Close To Me?

I don't think that's how it goes.

Shut up and take off those Z. Cavariccis. (UNZIPS PANTS)

This is big for me. I mean, isn't it possible

that she sees something in me just like you did?

Nope. She wants to bang you.

Come on. That's... (BANG)

(SINGSONGY) Bang, bang!

(WHISPERS) Oh, yeah.

(WE GOT YOUR BACK PLAYING)

* We got your back

Boom. Took your advice.

Since Molly doesn't like laser tag,

I'm asking her to the planetarium laser light show.

I got a question for you, and I really want you to think about this.

Why is it that all your dates involve lasers?

(SINGSONGY) Bye, kids. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.

So long, Camsy! Don't do anyone I wouldn't do!

I'm a leader!

Don't worry, Vee!

With Molly in charge, this weekend,

the office is in good hands.

Oh. Thank you, Oz.

Well, we look forward to respecting your authority, Molly.

Good.

You, me...

Secret mission.

I thought you'd never ask.

That is Sean Hurley. You may remember his late father Hugo.

He was our night janitor for 15 years.

Oh. The old racist guy? I loved him. Mmm.

It was not mutual.

He was an eccentric old bastard, but that's why I'm here.

I found this in his safety deposit box.

"Hurley's Gold"? That's a map of our office.

Sean feels that his father

may have hid his fortune somewhere here in Contra

so his four ex-wives couldn't get a hold of it.

Buried treasure? Mmm.

Buried treasure?

OZ: We'll dig this weekend, while the office is empty.

(IMITATES PIRATE) Aye. We'll find your dead father's gold. Argh.

Cash.

(NORMAL VOICE) Really sorry for your loss.

OZ: Hey. Cameron Crowe. What's the good word?

Just calling to gloat.

I'm at the hotel, in my own room, enjoying $12 peanuts.

What's on tap next? Perhaps erotic cinema on demand?

Looks like the only one manhandling me is me.

I don't think that's the win you think it is.

Howdy, neighbor! What you got under that robe?

Wow. You're here in my room.

Look at this. It's the intimacy pack.

It's like office supplies for hookers.

So we've got a couple hours to kill. What do you want to do?

(BED SQUEAKING)

I'm never wrong.

(WEAKLY) Yeah.

(LOUD DRILLING) OZ: Get in there!

Find that treasure! (LAUGHS)

Cash! Uh-oh.

Cash!

(DRILLING STOPS)

Hey. 'Sup, Molly?

Veronica puts me in charge,

and that's when you decide to destroy the entire office?

Don't be mad.

I... I have a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this.

Searching for buried treasure.

Hey! Look! X marks the spot!

(SIGHS)

(LAUGHS)

Well, guess we should, uh, ask your permission

before we open the treasure. Eh, boss lady?

Well, I suppose the damage is already done.

May as well take a peek, eh?

OZ: Okay. Candy bar wrapper?

Oh, man. That's the worst ending with a rapper since Tupac.

Oh, wait. There's writing on the other side.

I think it's a clue.

Actually, I'm not quite sure about all this.

Come on! You're a perfect addition to our treasure-hunting team.

I mean, the way you handle those crosswords and Suduki...

You noticed? Yeah.

Oh. Well, I suppose I could help out a little bit.

Yes! Just like National Treasure.

The hot blonde, the badass treasure hunter,

and the not-so-comic sidekick.

(SNAP)

Yeah, point taken.

"Nails in my belly, trees in my spine,

"if I swallow water, I shall not be fine." Hang on.

"Nails in my belly, trees in my spine..."

It's a boat! Look.

(GASPS) The ship...

(WHISPERS) It's called Destino.

(NORMAL VOICE) That means "fate" in Spanish.

Cash! Good work.

Gracias.

So "fate." What next?

Well, why don't we take a little snacky break

and eat some Cheez Doodles? "G-7."

(WHISPERS) Wait!

(NORMAL VOICE) "Fate." "F-8."

(BEEPS)

(BEEPING)

Look. It's our next clue.

That's my girl. (WHISPERS) Wow.

Not like you're my girl.

I'm just... That'd be crazy, right? I mean...

Hi. Hi there. Hi. Oh, hi.

Um, I was wondering if you could maybe move me.

I have a really annoying neighbor in the adjoining room.

I'm pretty sure she's smoking the drugs.

Oh, I'm sorry,

but we're completely booked for the convention.

(NORMAL VOICE) Right, right. The O.C.P. Convention.

"O.C.P."? No.

Oh, you must mean the Shoe Retailer's Association.

What?

Shoozapalooza.

CAMERON: "Shoozapalooza"?

It's my favorite "palooza." (GIGGLES)

There's no O.C.P. Convention. You were right.

She totally wants my man muffins. What do I do?

Hang in there?

What? That's it? That's all you have for me?

Well, I guess it's better than "I told you so, slut."

(DOOR BANGS OPEN) (YELLS)

(SINGSONGY) Hi, leader.

Please knock if you're gonna do that.

It's just common neighbor courtesy.

I can't have the future of O.C.P. looking like a kid.

Wha... So I went out and got you this old thing.

I'm worried about this inseam. Wait a second.

No. If I give it a little tug...

You don't need to tug. Yeah, no big D.

She wants the big D, all right.

(STATIC)

Hey, Tango and Cash, you figure out

what those numbers on the vending machine mean?

Yes. We suspect they're GPS coordinates. Ooh.

And they're leading me right towards... (ELECTRONIC WHIRRING)

(BEEPS)

Veronica's desk... Just like National Treasure.

Okay, we're looking for a secret panel

or some type of knob or something to twist or push.

(SIGHS)

You know, if somebody had told me this morning

I'd be under a desk helping you and Oz look for gold,

I'd have said they were bonkers, but...

I'm having a really good time.

We make a pretty good team.

We really do. Can I confide something in you?

Cash... Molly...

Sorry. You go first. No. What were you gonna say?

I like Oz. I like you... Niversity of Phoenix.

I'm, um... Just needed to get that off my chest.

Thanks for listening. You're a good friend.

I'm sorry. What... What were you gonna say?

Uh, I was just extolling the virtues of an online degree.

Oh.

All right. Ow. Damn it, desk.

Cash!

Another clue!

Don't even.

My mom was so proud

that you asked me to this O.C.P. Conference... Oh.

And recognized my leadership potential.

(ELEVATOR BUZZES AND STOPS) Okay. So you figured it out.

Yes! Yes! I know there's no conference!

I know you got us adjoining rooms,

and I know you dressed me up...

(WHISPERS) Like your little sex puppet.

Cameron, I am old enough to be your sister.

Hey. How much longer is going to take?

This costume is balls hot,

and I got a convention to star in.

(ELEVATOR WHIRRING) Shut up, Shoe.

Stay out of it, Shoe. (WHIRRING STOPS)

Aah.

Oh. (BELL DINGS)

This is it. Oh, hey. (DANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

Oh. Aah!

A wedding? What's happening?

I might be in a giant shoe,

but even I can see you're arm candy, bro.

Oh, look. This is my boyfriend. Boo bear. Boo-boo bunny.

No, no, don't... I'm... That's my boyfriend. He's so capricious.

Don't call me your boo bear. Yeah. Uh...

I'm not your boo bear or your boo bunny or whatever.

I don't know what's going on, but just count me out.

Oh, for the love of Ray J, I'm gonna come clean. Listen.

(SIGHS) One of my favorite ex-husbands is gonna be

at this thing tonight with his hot, young, new girlfriend...

(WHISPERS) and I didn't want to get stuck at the singles table.

But... But still, you lied and you made me think

I was the future of... Oh, my God. Sliders.

No. No. Forget sliders. That's how mad I am.

Cameron, I knew that you never would come to this if I told you the truth,

so please, can't you just do me this one solid?

I mean, we're friends.

No. No, we're not friends.

You're just my crazy, manipulative boss.

(SIGHS)

Well, hello, Veronica.

How's my house and my dog?

Oh, they're great, and your daughter is fine, too.

Let me introduce you to my girlfriend. This is...

Oh, no, no, no, no. Let me guess.

It's either a flower, a spice, or a car.

Jasmine.

Oh! Two out of three. This is my lucky day.

We just celebrated her birthday

by taking the old yacht down to the Bahamas.

It was the big 2-2.

She was born in the '90s.

So where's your plus one? Or are you plus none?

I'm right here. How you doing?

I'm Cam, her lover. I also have a boat.

And a cool...

Other boat.

Two boats. Deuce.

Should we go grab a drink...

Oh, yeah. Honey face?

Yeah. Honey... Bunches of oats?

That's my nickname. Smart start.

Yeah, we like to have sex on the breakfast table.

Cheerios. Yeah. Yeah.

Hey! There you are, captain. What gives? Come on.

We're so close to finding the gold. Don't quit now.

Go away, traitor.

Does your current behavior have something to do with Molly?

'Cause listen, I would never go after a girl that you liked.

You're like a kid brother to me.

A brother has your back. He's there for you.

Like in National Treasure,

the unfunny guy from The Hangover

helped Nic Cage get the chick from Inglourious Basterds?

That's a brother. Right, right, right.

Sort of like how a brother might orchestrate a phony treasure hunt

so said brother could bond with the girl that he has a crush on?

Yeah, that would have been cool.

Instead, I'm stuck in this extremely real treasure hunt,

looking for a dead janitor's hidden fortune.

You know, for a smart guy, you can be a real dumb-ass.

Look, there is no gold. I set the whole thing up.

What? Yeah.

No. We had a meeting. I met Hurley's son.

(WHISPERS) No.

(SUCTION GURGLES) You got an honest face. You ever done any acting?

Puzzles seemed to be the one thing that you and Molly

had in common, so I ran with it,

and damn it, it was working, man.

We hugged. Yeah.

She smelled like strawberries and sunshine

and superhero figurines wrapped in their original packaging.

Point is, you got to impress her.

Just keep showing her what you're good at.

(WHISPERS) Oh.

(NORMAL VOICE) Like close-up magic,

the world's greatest aphrodisiac.

Let me stop you again.

Close-up magic is the world's greatest nothing.

How'd Marty score a 22-year-old?

How'd he score you?

You're smart, funny, attractive...

But look at her. I mean, she's so limber.

She's like a slutty Gumby.

You know what?

No one puts Veronica in a corner.

(WHISPERS) Come on.

OZ: So, now that you know I had your back all along...

CASH: Yeah. We're good.

Oh, Cash, I'm so glad you're back.

The clue from Veronica's desk

leads to the Spy Hunter machine.

How do you know? "S" plus "pie" plus "hunter" equals Spy Hunter.

(WHIRRING)

Kind of a weak clue.

I think Hurley ran out of steam.

He sure did.

So I suspect we have to win the game to get the gold.

(SIGHS) The elusive Spy Hunter kill screen.

(ENGINE REVS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

Some say it's just a legend.

If there's any man who can find it, it's you, Cash.

All right, well...

Pull over the weapons van and slick up the tires.

I've got some spies to hunt. Mmm.

(COIN DROPS)

(PETER GUNN PLAYING) (TIRES SCREECHING)

Oh... Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

(CHEERING)

Dance-off. It's a dance-off.

(CHEERING)

Move over there. All right. Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What? Oh! Oh! Wait! Let go my arm! Let go my arm!

Oh, no! (COIN DROPS)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(ENGINE REVVING)

(TIRES SCREECHING)

(CHEERING CONTINUES)

(CHEERING)

Here's to showing Marty and his prom date who's in charge.

Yeah, suck it, Marty. (LAUGHS)

Mmm. Ah.

You know what?

Thanks for getting me out there on the dance floor.

You really are a born leader.

Hey, I'll drink to that.

Okay.

Mmm. To co-workers.

Yeah, to co-workers.

(MOUTH FULL) To best friends forever.

Best friends forever.

Mini bottles of booze.

To minibars.

To adult-size portions!

To adult-size portions!

To empty bottles of booze!

To pretzels!

To hairless men!

To no regrets! Whoo!

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

(MAN ON PHONE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Huh?

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Wake-up call for Veronica Mann? No.

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

No, dude. She's right next door.

(SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY)

Yes! I'm positive!

Dick.

Oh. Mmm.

Why are you in my bed? Wait, no, no, no.

I'm in your bed. Why am I in your bed?

Oh, my God. Shut it.

It's not unusual for co-workers

to end up in bed together after a night of drinking.

Yes, it is!

Probably nothing even happened.

Yes, exactly!

Exactly, because if something would have happened,

we would have cracked open the intimacy pack. Right.

(HORROR MOVIE THEME PLAYS) Oh, my balls.

This is why rooms should never adjoin!

(TIRES SCREECHING)

Come on.

CAROL: (SINGSONGY) Morning. Morning. What's going on?

Cash is gonna beat a video game.

I was at Habitat for Humanity all weekend.

Nobody's gathered around me.

If anyone's interested,

there's a potential kill screen coming up.

Spy Hunter kill screen's coming up.

This is not April Fool's.

A Spy Hunter kill screen is coming up.

Why are you shaking your head?

(ENGINE REVVING)

(ELECTRONIC BEEPING) CASH: Kill screen! Kill screen!

Aah!

(SCREAMS)

(LAUGHS)

(SIREN WAILING ON VIDEO GAME)

The treasure! You did it!

No. We did it. That was so tight.

Okay, gang, you ready for your life-changing moment?

Molly, would you care to have the honors?

(CLATTERING) Whoa!

VERONICA: Hey, now!

Veronica! Cameron! You're back! Whoo!

How was the O.C.P. Conference?

Mmm.

Uh...

You're probably wondering why there's a cavernous hole in the floor of the garage.

No! Whatevs! Stuff happens. Okay!

(CLATTERING)

Check you later. I'm a leader!

Okay! Where were we?

Ah, yes. We were about to open this treasure

that's going to make us rich...

Stupid, filthy, Steven Seagal rich. (LAUGHS)

(FANFARE PLAYS)

What?

(FANFARE WARPS AND STOPS) Huh.

Oh. Look at that.

Hurley's treasure's actually a family portrait drawn by his son.

(LOWERED VOICE) Carol.

Would you draw me a picture of your family?

(LOWERED VOICE) Before or after the bus accident?

Before.

Yay. Arts and crafts.

So beautiful. So innocent. From the hand of a child.

Worth more than gold.

You lost your mind? I mean, this is a crap drawing.

Look, the sun is blue, the grass is orange...

I wanted money!

Come on, Oz. Molly's right.

The real treasure we have in this world is family.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY) Keep the family! I want fortune!

Clean this mess up. (THUD)

Well...

That was quite an ugly side to Oz.

And to think I had feelings for him.

Yeah. He is the worst.

So... How was the hotel?

Uh, you know, they had an airport shuttle,

free Wi-Fi, and I slept with Veronica.

(CACKLES)

No, it's not funny. It's true.

All right, look, man, I was gonna toast your nads

about this for a little while, but I'm doing good deeds today.

You did not have sex with Veronica.

Oz! You're not picking up.

I'm leaving you a video message

'cause this is really important!

(LAUGHS) Edward Bottlehands. Oh, God, I'm so hungry.

Wait. Wait! The intimacy pack!

Yes! There's chocolate body shots in there. Perfect!

Oh, God.

(MOUTH FULL) This is so good.

That's why the intimacy pack was open!

I had the munchies, not the sexies. Oh, my God, Oz!

This is the best news ever. I'm gonna go tell Veronica.

No, no, no. Come on. Let's let her sweat for a little while.

Come on, man.

(CLATTERING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

It's the little things.

Now that's the Big Dipper.

And that's the Little Dipper.

You know what would make this better?

What?

Lasers! (CHUCKLES)

Okay. (CLICK)

See that one right there...

It's the Gemini Twins.

We'll get there, kid.

* To you

* Oh, oh, oh

* I hope this gets to you