Original subtitles

Come to Papa. (PANTS)

Where are you? Where are you?

150 bucks well spent!

(GASPS)

Cash, there's nothing in there.

Nothing in here? This is Sue Storm. Hello!

Fantastic Four? The Invisible Woman?

You paid $150 for a box of air?

I know, right? Half price.

What do you even do with it?

That.

Dude, where does it end?

There's always gonna be something bigger, better, geekier.

(BEEPING) You're buying something else right now, aren't you?

Uh, not buying. Bidding.

Behold. The limited edition Marty Mcfly self-lacing sneakers

from Back to the Future II.

Aside from owning a DeLorean

or kidnapping Michael J. Fox, there's no bigger collectible

for the B to the F enthusiast.

You're bidding on $300 sneakers?

(SCOFFS) I wish. $3,000.

What? (BEEPS)

Damn! Biff1985 just raised it $500.

Okay, it's go time.

No, no. It's stop time. Stop. Stop.

You live with your mom, okay?

You can't even afford to supersize at lunch.

This is not... I... I can't watch this.

Don't listen to him, Red Hulk.

(WHISPERS) He doesn't understand us.

(NORMAL VOICE) What? $4,000?

No, I really shouldn't. I just...

(BEEPS) (HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oops.

Armor Safe Transpo.

They own half the armored trucks in California.

They want to upgrade their fleet.

We're gonna go in fast and furious,

and we are gonna win this job.

"No" is not an option.

All right. Just so you know,

I'm going commando down here, so if you need me to pull

a Sharon Stone, just give me the nod.

(TELEPHONE RINGING) (INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS)

Um, uh, should we establish a bit of, uh, a game plan

for the presentation? Who speaks first?

I know a bit of, uh, an icebreaking joke.

(CHUCKLES) Do you?

Oh, God, no. No jokes are necessary.

I've already laid the groundwork with Alonso.

All we're here to do is sign the papers

and collect a large check. Got it? (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Oh, you cocky bastard. Let's close this!

Great idea. Let's keep everything closed.

Shaw.

(CHUCKLES) Oz. My brotha.

Looking good for your age.

'Sup, ladies? Henry Shaw. Double Dragon Security.

(CHUCKLES) HENRY: Looks like we're going for the same client, huh?

Sucks for you, 'cause this young stud just took your job.

If I were you, I'd buy a new trapper keeper,

slip your compass and protractor inside,

and don't be late for the bus,

'cause you just got schooled. (CHUCKLES)

Am I a pimp or what?

Fly's open, baby.

Must be real dark times for you, huh, Ferris?

OZ: Mmm.

Yeah. Oz's first name is Ferris.

Kinda kills the illusion, doesn't it?

Son of a fricken-fracken...

Son of your frism!

Uh-oh. Oz is fricken-fracken. What is going on?

Well, we lost the job.

Yeah, we got snaked by some power tool named Shaw.

(GASPS) He who must not be named!

You saw he who must not be named?

Who the hell is Shaw?

(GASPS) He who must not be named?

Oh, man. This is heavy. What did Oz do to him?

He... He didn't do anything.

(SNAPPING) Little bastard. (CLATTERING)

What... What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening. (CHUCKLES)

I am getting ready to rock your world.

Okay, listen, we're not supposed to talk about him,

but Shaw used to be our star hacker.

He and Oz were very close.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

Whoa. Looks like you guys were pretty close, too.

They used to give each other back rubs in public.

It was a little extremely gay.

Man, it was over the shirt.

(CAMERON AND VERONICA LAUGH)

Anyways, then came the great betrayal...

Shaw secretly opened his own company,

and he stole all of Contra's files.

Friendship, betrayal, sabotage...

I know just what this man needs.

Come on. Take the hug. Now talk to me.

Fine! You want me to talk?

(CHUCKLES) I hate that little pimple.

You see that sword up there?

VERONICA: Uh-uh. Exactly.

The sword that should be there

belonged to my father and his father before him,

who stole it off a wall of a sushi restaurant in Oakland.

It meant the world to me, which is why I gave it

to my friend and protege Henry Shaw...

(BLADE WHOOSHES) Oh!

(SWORD CLATTERS) Man, that is so sharp!

Let me see. How could you not warn me?

Then he used it to stab me in the back,

right about where your bony chin is sticking in.

Oh. I'm sorry.

I didn't know that, Oswald. Well, from here on out,

we avoid that little dickweed at all costs.

No. No, that's not how I do things, V.

I admit, Shaw did take me off my game,

but the Oz-Man is back in charge.

Next time, I'll be ready for him.

Attaboy, Ferris.

Thrilled to see you glommed on to that one, V.

Okay. It's you and me, Biff. (BEEPS)

One more minute to go,

and those kicks of the future are mine.

(MEOWING)

What? Cats? Oh, man. Aw.

Sorry, pal. Couldn't let you do it,

so I hijacked your browser.

Dude, I know you're my best friend,

but I will physically fight you.

I think I'll be fine.

(SIGHS) You're right.

I don't even know what I was thinking.

Thanks for the lookout.

(CELL PHONE BEEPS)

(SINGSONGY) Won it!

You spent $6,000?

Dude, you made me panic,

so I hit the "buy it now" button.

What? Oh, so this is my fault?

Ow! Are you out of your mind?

You don't have six grand!

Dude, you hit me in my allergy shot,

and I may not have six grand, but you know what I do have?

I have 169 IQ I'm Mensa, bitch!

I got revenue streams coming in that you can't even comprehend!

Okay.

Let's do this.

The cinnamon challenge.

I saw a guy do this online, and he went into shock.

Here we go. (INHALES DEEPLY)

(CHUCKLES) Whoa.

Mmm.

(COUGHING)

(RICKY AND BUDDY LAUGHING)

Sorry. No swallow, no money.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yeah!

(COUGHS) I'm so boned.

(LAUGHS)

(WE GOT YOUR BACK PLAYING)

* Oh

* We got your back

(BEEPING)

Erasing all my stuff? That's not even a thing.

Shaw-zam!

You'd better soak some soft gauze

in aloe vera and have a nurse apply it

in a layered fashion, 'cause you just got burned!

Fly's open, dude.

(SCOFFS) Whatever.

Cage may be open, but the beast is still asleep.

Ah, lovely. It seems I have a visitor.

Carol, handcuffs!

(HANDCUFFS CLICK)

Don't want to go to jail for nerdicide.

(CHUCKLES) I didn't come here to fight you, Ferry.

I actually came here to reconnect.

An old friend of yours wants to say hello.

It's your sword. (GRUNTS)

We're very close.

Here's me and swordy in Maui

and me and swordy getting a lap dance. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, me and swordy making a chopped salad.

Well, don't worry. I didn't dull him or anything,

'cause actually I also still use him to do a little manscaping.

MEN: Oh! WOMAN: Oh, my God.

(HANDCUFFS CLICK)

Damn my escape training! Aah!

Wait, wait! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! (GRUNTING) Aah!

Let's reboot this.

Listen, when I totally skunked you on that armored car job,

I realized... (GRUNTS)

I want all your jobs,

so what do you say you and I make a little wager...

My client list for yours?

(PANTING) You know I won't do that.

Come on. It's just one teensy-weensy little bet.

It'll be just like the old days.

You can pick the game. Poker, high card.

Hell, I'll even arm wrestle you for it.

It's not gonna happen, Shaw.

What? Why? Just rip his arm off.

Look at them. They're like straws.

(EMPLOYEES SHOUT INDISTINCTLY)

Hey! Hey!

(SIGHS) No can do-ey.

(CHUCKLES) I knew it.

Looks like you're gonna have to head down

to your local one-hour photo shop and ask 'em to leave

the negatives of your vacation pics

in the developing fluid a little longer,

'cause you've been exposed!

Unh!

Leave the... The... The exp...

Leave the photos? Photo... Yeah, 'cause you...

You leave it on too long, and you expose it.

Oh. That's what... Yeah.

Oh. Oh. (EXHALES DEEPLY)

(GASPS)

Thank you, Lord, for bestowing this gift upon myself.

(GASPING AND PANTING)

ANGELIC CHOIR: * Ah

* Ah

* Ah

That crazy bastard did it.

He spent six grand on freaking sneakers.

What? Veronica just lent him $6,000.

Wait. What?

(SIGHS) That fraudster gave us

a heartbreaking sob story about his 500-pound mother

and how she's trapped on the first floor of their house.

(VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING) (VOICE BREAKING) That's why I need the money,

to get one of those electric cable cars... (SIGHS)

That bring her up and down the stairs.

I am writing you a check right now,

and I want you to buy your poor, sweet mother...

(RIPS) The strongest,

most load-bearing fatty stair gondola... on the market today.

Come here.

Will this check clear today?

Oh, man.

I really need to help this guy.

(GRUNTS)

Now what are you doing?

Dude, I had to put 'em on. I just had to,

but once you get a scuff mark or human oils on 'em,

they just become sneakers.

So listen, Veronica wants us all in the conference room.

(EXHALES DEEPLY) No sweat. Ah.

(POPPING)

You'll get used to it.

'Sup? 'Sup? 'Suppers?

(GRUNTS) Ah. Let's do this.

Actually, this meeting is kind of about you.

We're here to talk about your problem.

(CHUCKLES) What problem?

You buy useless crap you can't afford.

(WHISPERS) Oh.

You bought a life-sized Tauntaun?

Is that necessary?

Yes.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Oh, my God.

We're having a nerdervention.

Nerdervention?

ALL: Mm-hmm. Yes.

This is bull.

Look, you're in safe hands.

Veronica here has been intervened against a number of times.

It's true, for men and the wacky weed.

CASH: Look, I don't care.

This is racist. I don't know how yet, but it is.

Man, it's not racist. You're a straight-up nerd,

and I don't like the way you make me feel.

I read Faulkner, James Joyce,

yet you mock me for not knowing what a muggle is?

Please. Everyone knows what a muggle is.

The very fact that you don't

only proves that you're a muggle... A giant muggle.

Cash, this is classic addict behavior.

Lashing out, lying.

You're utterly consumed with this stuff.

(CHUCKLES) "Utterly consumed"?

Really? How?

(DEEP VOICE) The force is strong with me.

(ZAPS)

(DEEP VOICE) Release the Kraken!

(DEEP VOICE) Kiss my converse!

When I say, "Who's the master?"

You say, "Sho'nuff."

This is bull. I do not need help.

You sold your own platelets to buy action figures.

They replenish.

I do not have a problem.

I can quit anytime I want to.

As a matter of fact, that's a good idea.

How about I quit right now...

This job? (BUBBLE WRAP POPS)

Sit down and listen up.

You want to know why I'm not going after Shaw?

I'll tell you why. (INHALES DEEPLY)

(SIGHS) He's got something on me...

Something I'm not particularly proud of.

You're an arms dealer. You're a government spook.

You killed a hooker in Vegas.

Get ahold of yourselves, people. I've got a gambling problem.

(EMPLOYEES MURMURING)

Oh, knock it off. Stop your murmuring.

I'm human. Well, mostly.

So that's why you were unwilling to engage in Shaw's wager?

OZ: It gets worse.

You all know I gave Shaw my father's sword.

After he betrayed me,

I couldn't bear the thought of him having it,

but he knew my weakness, and he would only bet me for it,

so I went crazy,

totally obsessed and broke trying to win it back.

(SIGHS) That's why I had to sell Contra.

You lost Contra over a sword?

Really? Weak sauce.

Yes, it is, Mcfly. Perhaps you can relate.

CASH: I need help.

Okay. This is where the recovery begins.

I'll be down the hall with the gamblers.

Don't leave before the miracle.

(SIGHS) All right. Well, guess I'll see you in an hour.

Actually, I thought maybe I'd stay, show you some support.

Really? Yeah. Why not?

Nice. (CHUCKLES)

Hi. I'm Hollywood Director James Gunn.

ALL: Hi, Hollywood Director James Gunn.

I know what you guys are thinking.

This guy is crushing it.

He wrote Dawn of the Dead and Tromeo and Juliet.

He's a genius.

(CHUCKLES) And that's... that's very true.

I am, but inside myself, there's a hole

that I try to fill with zombies and superheroes and P.G. porn stars.

Dabbling in the dork arts has led me to a new low.

I can't make love to a woman

unless I close my eyes and imagine

Elita One, the female Transformer.

(WHISPERS) Elita One's hot.

Okay. I'll see you in an hour.

Oh. Where in the hell's bells have you been?

We're at Code Red!

No. Someone found my plutonium?

(CLENCHED TEETH) No! Look!

We're at war with Shaw and Double Dragon!

What? (DEEP VOICE) If any of those pigs come in here,

I will execute every mother-humping last one of them!

Take it down a notch, honey bunny.

Listen, listen. What?

Now we're at war with Double Dragon?

Yeah. Since when?

Since when? Oh, gosh.

Um, probably since I went over there

and tried to reason with Shaw. Don't get mad.

Shh. Let it go.

(GRUNTS) Let it go.

No, no. You let me go.

Oh, God! Your chin is like a stiletto!

I gave him the classic back hug with a full boob press,

just the way you like it,

but, you know, for some reason, he just was not having me,

so I very, very calmly

left the building, and that's all that happened.

Double Dragon isn't even in our league!

Oh, if that's the case, then maybe you're man enough

to put your money where your mouth is.

Oh! If you knew what had been in this mouth,

you would not want to make that bet.

What did you do?

Oh, um, well, I think that I may have just

risked the entire future of the company to defend your honor.

Huh.

So we good? (HUFFS)

Since Veronica cockered the spaniel,

you've got yourselves a bit of a situation.

The game is Capture The Flag.

Now the rules are very simple.

Whoever breaks into the other's office first

and steals their client list wins it all.

Okay. What's the plan, hack their system?

Classic penetration.

Go heavy. Go hard.

Backdoor entry!

(WHISPERS) My God. I'm really horny.

My plan is to handcuff myself to this column,

because this is gambling,

and I'm not allowed to participate.

What about your escape training? (HANDCUFFS CLICK)

Good point. Carol!

(HANDCUFFS CLICK)

(RATTLE)

Two is my limit.

Okay. You're on your own.

Cameron!

(WHISPERS) Cameron. Cameron. Cameron. Cameron.

(NORMAL VOICE) All right, look, Shaw is a master manipulator

and a genius at exploiting his enemies' weaknesses.

Copy that. Make me proud, kid.

Damn! I'm just too good! It's annoying, really.

CAMERON: Okay. We're striking first.

I just saw Shaw and the double douches leave.

Okay. Okay, I'm in. I hacked their alarm system,

and I looped their surveil cameras so I'm a ghost.

Okay, Casper.

Just grab the client list and go to the light.

(LOWERED VOICE) Wait. There it is.

Wait! Wait. Somebody left their laptop logged in.

Oh, I'm gonna be able to do

a lot more than get their client list.

Laptop? Wait. That's too easy. Cameron, it's a trap!

It's a trap! (THUDS)

ALL: Oh!

Yeah, I pieced that together.

(GROANS) Okay, hold tight, buddy.

I'm on my way. Nothing's gonna stop me. (CLATTERS)

Sweet silver time machine of my dreams

in its glorious stainless steel flesh!

(PANTS)

Pretty dope, right?

It's kinda like the car version of the Holy Grail.

What are you doing here, Shaw? Hit the road.

Roads? (CHUCKLES)

Where you're going, you don't need roads.

What are you saying, this is your car?

Yep. You want it?

Come on. You know you do.

What's your angle?

Why would you give me a DeLorean?

(CHUCKLES) Oh. No givesies.

Tradesies. One kindness for another.

Just disable Contra's alarm by the back door, 8:00 p.m.

He's preying on your weakness, Cash.

It's just a car. It's just a car.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE, CLENCHED TEETH) It's just a car!

Just a car with the complete flux capacitor package,

and I may have rigged the tires

to leave a streak of flames.

(JANGLES)

Give me the damn keys.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Yes.

Gull wings, son.

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Part of me feels so good...

(DEEP VOICE) But so horrible for selling out to Shaw!

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) So good!

(DEEP VOICE) Horrible!

(HIGH-PITCHED VOICE) Good!

(DEEP VOICE) Horrible!

New car?

Uh... What?

No, I'm just holding it for a friend of mine... M.C. Hammer.

Not the rapper. The other one. He's an optometrist.

You don't wear glasses.

Uh, thanks to Dr. Michael Carl Hammer.

Okay, well, I'm gonna go to a meeting,

before we both fall off the wagon.

(CHUCKLES)

(DOOR OPENS)

Cash, come quickly. It's Cameron.

(SIGHS)

(DOOR CLOSES)

Hey, guys. It's me. I've, uh, prepared a statement.

(SIGHS) Come on. Really? This is so stupid, all right?

I'm a grown man.

SHAW: Say it! No!

(SPLAT) Aah!

Oh, fine! Fine, fine, you son of a bitch!

I'm not even wearing goggles, okay? Holy crap!

(SPLAT) Aah!

Okay. Okay. All right. I'll say whatever you want.

Oz is a douche. Contra sucks.

Just please, whatever, don't shoot me.

Please don't shoot me. (SPLAT)

(GASPS) (STATIC)

Oh. We can't beat these people.

We'll never figure out a way into the Double Dragon offices.

Yes, we will! I know a way in.

(BEEPS)

Let me lay a little science on you.

This is an infrared scan

of Double Dragon's so-called "impenetrable" offices.

Oh. Nice work.

Mmm. Who's Mr. Blinky?

Mr. Blinky is Cameron. He's the only one there.

And where is everyone else?

Most likely, headed over here to break in,

but before they can, I got a way

to capture the flag and prove to Shaw I can't be bought.

If my calculations are correct,

when this baby hits 88 miles per hour, you're gonna see

some serious shiitake mushrooms. (CHUCKLES)

Um, I thought the speed limit was 55.

Oh, gun it!

(CLICKS)

(WHIRRING)

(HUMMING BACK TO THE FUTURE THEME SONG)

(CLICKS)

(TIRES SCREECH)

(BACK TO THE FUTURE THEME SONG PLAYING)

(CLANKS)

Whoa. (GASPS)

Great Scott!

(GASPS)

What the hell was that? You dicks almost killed me!

We're here to rescue you.

What, by running me over with a DeLorean?

Come on, you dumbass Marty Mcfly-lookin' idiot!

Get me out of here!

Oh, my God.

I think I might have found something.

(LATCH CLICKS)

Thank you, Cash.

(CLOSES DOOR) (GRUNTS)

Aah! Aah. Aah. Come on. Ear. Ear!

You'd better run through the casino

straight to the ATM for more money,

even though there's a $10 processing fee,

'cause you just drew a 22 at the blackjack table,

and your ass is busted!

Come on. Who even talks like that?

Ear! Ear! Aah.

Well, hello, little boy.

Did you come for our client list?

Or did you come for yours?

Well played, Contra. You got my client list.

I don't want your client list, Shaw.

Never did.

Then what do you want?

(GONG BONGS)

Thank you, Veronica.

You really had my back.

Do itashimashite.

That means "you're welcome" in Japanese.

Wakatterutte, Onei-chan.

And you.

You gave up a DeLorean. I'm proud of you.

That's a big step.

(WHIRS)

What's going on?

Oh, I'm just selling some of my stuff to pay Veronica back.

Why don't you just sell those stupid sneakers?

Oh, I did,

but I could only get $3,500 for 'em

'cause my feet deflowered 'em. (SCOFFS)

But it's kinda cool to let some of this stuff go.

But a Tauntaun?

I mean, even I can admit that's pretty cool.

Yeah, but it's a little crazy owning two of 'em.

Two of 'em?

Oh. Progress, not perfection, buddy.