Original subtitles

THESE LOVELY YOUNG PEOPLE ON EITHER SIDE OF ME

ARE THE BEST IN THE BUSINESS.

IF THERE IS A HOLE IN YOUR SECURITY,

WE WILL FIND IT BEFORE THE BAD GUYS DO.

NOW A LEGEND OF YOUR EXTRAORDINARY STATURE NEEDS

THE EXTRAORDINARY SECURITY THAT ONLY CONTRA CAN PROVIDE.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY, CHAMP? FINE. YOU'RE HIRED.

(thud on glass) OH, HO HO HO HO!

(makes whooshing sounds) HO HO HO HO! "IRON MIKE" TYSON!

MAN, I HAVE SEEN EVERY FIGHT YOU'VE EVER BEEN IN.

WOULD YOU DO ME THE HONOR OF PUNCHING ME SQUARE IN THE FACE? SEEMS LIKE YOU NEED YOUR BRAIN CELLS.

VERBAL RIGHT HOOK TO THE CRANIUM.

(makes whooshing sound) AWESOME!

OKAY, MY LITTLE PRIZE FIGHTERS,

LET'S GO OVER THIS ONE MORE TIME. WHAT'S OUR TOP PRIORITY?

(all) MIKE TYSON. AND WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO YOU IF IRON MIKE'S ESTATE

ISN'T 100% SECURE? (all) YOU'LL LOCK US IN A DANK BASEMENT

AND SEW US TOGETHER LIKE A HUMAN CENTIPEDE.

EXACTLY. SO HOP TO IT. EXCEPT YOU, BUTTERSCOTCH.

YOU'RE WORKING ON A SEPARATE CASE, AWAY FROM MELANIE.

WHAT? WHY?

OH, I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE BECAUSE YOUR LITTLE OFFICE CRUSH

IS CRUSHING THIS OFFICE. NEED I REMIND YOU... WHAT? I...

WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK? (beep)

NO, LIKE, I LOVE YOU.

I'M SORRY, BUT I DO. I LOVE YOU, MELANIE.

I ALREADY MADE IT MY RINGTONE. CHECK IT OUT.

(Cameron, Auto-Tuned voice) * I LOVE YOU, MELANIE * RIGHT?

* I LOVE YOU * OKAY, NO ONE CAN LET DUTCH HEAR THIS.

HE GETS... (whispers) REALLY JEALOUS.

OKAY, NOW I'M GONNA DO YOUR BREAST EXAM. (smack)

KEEP YOUR DAMN HANDS OFF MY GIRL. HEY, BABY.

OZ, I SWEAR, EVERYTHING'S COOL WITH ME AND MELANIE.

JUST LET ME DO THE TYSON JOB, AND I PROMISE,

IT WON'T BE AWKWARD. HYAH!

SORRY I'M LATE.

JUST CHUCKING SOME NUN. GOTTA GET PUMPED UP FOR MICHAEL TYSON.

TWO THINGS WE GOT IN COMMON... (sets sunglasses down)

WE BOTH HATE WEARING SHIRTS AND WE BOTH HAVE TATTOOS,

ONLY HIS... IS ON HIS FACE!

(blows raspberry)

(sighs)

YOU INTERESTED IN HEARING ABOUT THE OTHER JOB YET, CAMBO? YES, I AM.

(Michael Wandmacher's "We Got Your Back" playing)

* WE GOT YOUR BACK *

ALL RIGHT, SO YOUR JOB IS A CINCH. YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE

OF A 16-YEAR-OLD KID NAMED LESLIE KACZANDER. SWEET. SO WHAT IS HE?

INTERNET BILLIONAIRE? BOY BAND POP STAR? TEEN MAYOR? WHAT? RANDOM DWEEBUS.

HIS PARENTS HIRED US TO FIND OUT WHO'S BEEN CYBERBULLYING HIM

ON THE INTERNET. SERIOUSLY? I DON'T WANT TO BABYSIT SOME HIGH SCHOOL GEEK.

AW, CAMPON, YOU'RE ACTING ALL SKITTISH

BECAUSE YOU WERE A HIGH SCHOOL GEEK. (lowered voice) ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER,

IF ANYONE ASKS, YOU LIKE GUYS, AND YOU'RE NOT MY COUSIN. (camera shutter clicks)

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, FINE. HIGH SCHOOL WASN'T ALL ROSES.

MAYBE I WAS A LESLIE. NO, NO. I BELIEVE YOUR COUSIN WAS THE "LESLIE."

UH, COME ON, OZ, I BET EVEN YOU HAD IT

A LITTLE ROUGH IN HIGH SCHOOL. HA! NO. I RULED THE PLACE.

ONE DAY, ME AND MY BUDDY-- WE DITCHED CLASS,

STOLE HIS DAD'S FERRARI, I GOT TO SING IN A PARADE,

PRETENDED TO BE THE SAUSAGE KING OF CHICAGO. IT WAS GREAT.

I THINK MY BUDDY JOHN MADE A MOVIE ABOUT IT OR SOMETHING. YOU MEAN "FERRIS BUELLER"?

NEVER HEARD OF HIM. (slaps back)

HEY... THERE.

I AM LOOKING FOR CAMERON PRICE.

AND ALSO, IF YOU HAVE ANY EXTRA TISSUES,

I HAVE A RAGING NOSEBLEED. AND, UH, OH, IT STOPPED.

UM, I'M LESLIE.

UH, RIGHT THIS WAY.

HEY, YOU GO TO MEMORIAL? THAT'S WHERE I WENT.

GO, WILDCATS! CLAWS UP. (hisses)

LISTEN, SOMEBODY AT MY SCHOOL IS MAKING MY LIFE A LIVING HELL. (bag thuds)

(types on keyboard) OKAY? I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE. JUST LOOK.

YOU CRAPPED YOUR PANTS?

NO, I DIDN'T CRAP MY PANTS.

I MEAN, I HAVE, BUT I DIDN'T-- I WOULD NEVER ADMIT IT TO--AAH!

IT'S A FAKE PAGE. IT'S FAKE.

OKAY, THIS PERSON IS POSING AS ME AND SENDING MESSAGES

TO THIS GIRL I'VE BEEN IN LOVE WITH SINCE FIFTH GRADE.

LOOK. (types on keyboard)

EVERYBODY KNOWS THAT I LOVE MEGAN DIAMOND NOW,

AND I'M A LAUGHINGSTOCK. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW I FEEL?

YEAH. YEAH, I KINDA DO.

COME ON. LET'S TRACK DOWN THIS CYBER DICK. YOU CAN DO THAT?

HELL, YEAH. A NIGERIAN SCAMMER STOLE 10 GRAND FROM MY GRANDMA,

BUT I TOOK CARE OF HIM.

I DESERVE THIS.

(beep) BUSTED.

AND THERE'S YOUR CYBERBULLY. DOES KIP O'BANNON RING A BELL? OH, NO.

WHAT? UH, OKAY, THAT'S MEGAN DIAMOND'S EX-BOYFRIEND.

WELL, JUST TURN HIM IN. LOOK, DUDE, HE'S CRAZY, OKAY?

HE ONCE CUT A KID'S HAIR OFF AND ATE IT,

JUST TO PROVE A POINT. I GOTTA GET OUTTA HERE.

I'LL JUST TELL MY PARENTS YOU COULDN'T FIND HIM. NO, NO. I DON'T FEEL COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.

WELL, I DO. I GOTTA GO.

HEY, GUYS, A LITTLE DETOUR.

I NEED SOME HELP WITH MY ASSIGNMENT. YOU GOT IT. WHAT'S UP?

WE'RE GOING BACK TO HIGH SCHOOL. WHOO-HOO!

YEAH!

THIS IS LESLIE KACZANDER, VICTIM OF CYBERBULLYING.

3.7 G.P.A., YEARBOOK EDITOR, MODEL U.N. TREASURER,

AND PLAYS XYLOPHONE IN THE SCHOOL BAND.

XYLOPHONE? EVEN THE LETTER "Z" IS EMBARRASSED

TO BE NEAR THAT NERD-STRUMENT.

NOT HELPING, DUTCH. THIS IS KIP O'BANNON,

OUR CYBERBULLY AND SENIOR, FOR THE SECOND TIME.

HEY, I'LL HELP AN UNDERDOG. IT MAY BE A SURPRISE TO YOU,

BUT I WAS PICKED ON IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND Y'ALL KNOW WHY--

'CAUSE I'M BLACK. SWEETIE, I REALLY DON'T THINK THAT WAS THE REASON.

BYE, MOM! FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL. NINTH GRADE, A FRESH START.

HIGH SCHOOL'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

DAMN IT, I'M SUCH A NERD. WHY COULDN'T IT HAVE BEEN RACISM?

CASH IS RIGHT. HIGH SCHOOL IS JUST A 4-YEAR NIGHTMARE

WHERE ALL THE "NORMAL" KIDS TRY TO CRUSH YOUR INDIVIDUALITY.

(The Cure's "Boys Don't Cry" playing) NORMALS. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND US.

ENJOY YOUR GILDED CAGES.

(man over P.A.) JOSH ARMSTRONG,

PLEASE REPORT TO THE MUSIC ROOM. YOU LEFT YOUR TUBA.

(scoffs) TUBE OF... MASCARA.

I GOTTA GO.

YOU WERE A GOTH KID? DON'T LABEL ME, BUT YEAH.

GUYS, I'M EXCITED TO FINALLY GET A TASTE OF HIGH SCHOOL,

ALL RIGHT? MY DAD WAS A GRIFTER. I NEVER WENT. I WISH I HAD NEVER WENT.

ALL THOSE PURPLE NIRPLES. I'M STILL MISSING HALF A NIP.

YOU GUYS ARE CRAZY. HIGH SCHOOL WAS EPIC!

YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN SOME OF THE PRANKS I PULLED--

LEMON SWIRLY, SUBATOMIC WEDGIE,

MY PERSONAL FAVE-- THE BLAZING SADDLE.

ALL YOU NEED IS A LIGHTER AND A BUTT CHEEK FOR THAT ONE.

GOOD TIMES. OH, MY GOD. BABE, DID YOU REALLY DO THOSE THINGS?

YEAH, SOUNDS LIKE YOU WERE THE BULLY.

NO, NO, NO. THOSE MATHLETES WERE MY BOYS.

I'D MAKE 'EM LAUGH SO HARD, THEY'D CRY.

DEEP, HEAVING SOBS OF LAUGHTER,

JUST BEGGING ME TO STOP BEING SO DAMN FUNNY.

I'M GONNA GO CRANK CALL THOSE MATHLETES NOW.

(Cash) OKAY, CAM, I GOT EYES ON YOU FROM THE VAN.

LET'S TAKE DOWN OUR BULLY. I'VE GOT VIS CON ON O'BANNON.

ALL RIGHT, FIRE UP THE SPY CAM. I'LL TELL YOU WHEN WE GOT HIM.

(beep, whirring)

(laughter)

WHOO! O'BANNON RULES!

WHOO! (camera shutter clicks)

THAT'S THE ONE. RENDEZVOUS IN FIVE.

CAMERON?

CAMERON PRICE?

IT'S ME, PATTY BOGGS, FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

PATTY BOGGS? NO, NO, NO.

UM, NO, SHE WAS...

FATTY HOGGS. YEAH, STILL ME.

PATTY! YES! YOU LOOK GREAT!

AW.

YEAH. WOW. DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR HAIR?

WELL, I LOST 150 POUNDS.

BUT YOUR HAIR IS... LONGER

OH. AND, UH, YOU'VE LOST THE ACCORDION.

YEAH. NO, I STILL DABBLE, THOUGH.

BUT, UH, YOU LOST YOUR ACNE AND YOUR CATCHPHRASES. UH...

(Eminem's "The Real Slim Shady" playing) WASSUP?!

...SSUP?! (laughs) NEVER GETS OLD.

LITTLE BIT OLD. UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I TEACH A.P. CHEMISTRY. OH, OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? UM, I WORK FOR CONTRA SECURITY.

YEAH, PRINCIPAL GRIECO HIRED US TO INSTALL

SOME WEB FILTERING SOFTWARE... OH.

BLABBITY BLAH COMPUTER STUFF. WOW.

YEAH, IT'S JUST AN EXCUSE FOR ME TO COME BACK HERE

AND RELIVE MY GLORY DAYS.

GO, WILDCATS. CLAWS UP! (growls) BAD TIMES.

THE WORST. YOU KNOW, UM, ACTUALLY,

YOU WERE THE ONE PERSON BACK THEN WHO DIDN'T TEASE ME,

AND I ALWAYS THOUGHT HOW NICE IT WOULD BE TO SEE YOU AGAIN

AND TO TELL YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH

FOR BEING A SWEETIE TO ME. YEAH. NO, YOU'RE-- YOU'RE VERY WELCOME.

IT WAS GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU, TOO.

NEXT TIME, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A HALL PASS, MISTER.

(chuckles) (under breath) STUPID.

NO, IT'S--IT WAS--BYE.

(door closes) YOU GOT ANYTHING YET?

A WORK OF ART. CHECK IT OUT.

YOU JUST MADE THE WRONG ENEMY, O'BANNON.

WELCOME TO CONTRA SECURITY.

(laughter)

THAT'S NOT ME!

I MEAN, IT'S ME, BUT I DON'T HEART BIEBER!

I DON'T HEART ANYONE!

NOW THAT'S HOW YOU REVENGE A NERD.

OH. MAN, I WISH I HAD ME IN HIGH SCHOOL.

BOYS, TIME TO STEP INTO DETENTION.

WHAT'S HE DOING WITH THAT TUSHIE PADDLE? HELPING LESLIE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE DONE

QUICK AND SOLO, LIKE YOUR DATE NIGHTS. WHAT HAPPENED? I NEEDED A LITTLE HELP WITH OUR CYBERBULLY,

BUT WE CRUSHED IT. CRUSHED IT.

NO, PUMPKIN, YOU POKED THE NEST, STIRRED THE HIVE,

ANGERED THE BEES, AND POOR LITTLE LESLIE GOT STUNG.

O'BANNON FOUND OUT ABOUT WHAT YOU DID.

NOW HE'S GONE FROM CYBERBULLY TO BULLY BULLY.

HEY, GUYS.

THANKS FOR RUINING MY LIFE.

THE SHORTS DON'T LIE. HE LOOKS LIKE A SLUT.

I CAN'T BELIEVE O'BANNON FOUND OUT WE BIEBERED HIM.

WELL, HE DID, AND THEN HE THREW ME INTO THE GIRLS' SHOWER... (Melanie) OH.

BUTT-NAKED.

AH, THE OLD STRIP AND SOAK. (laughs) GOOD STUFF.

BABE, COME ON. SERIOUSLY? WHAT? NO, IT'S FUNNY. ASK THIS DUDE.

YEAH, LOOK AT HIM. HE'S DYING WITH LAUGHTER.

(Dutch) WAIT A SECOND. YOU'RE NOT HAPPY AT ALL.

MY GOD, MAYBE I WAS A BULLY IN HIGH SCHOOL.

LARRY HERE'S MADE ME REALIZE THAT JUST 'CAUSE SOMETHING'S

HILARIOUS DOESN'T MEAN IT'S RIGHT.

UM, MY NAME'S ACTUALLY LESLIE.

LESLIE?

(laughs) WHAT KIND OF FRUITY NAME IS...

NO.

NEW LEAF, DUTCH.

HEY. WE'RE GONNA HELP YOU FIGHT THIS BULLY, PAL. OKAY.

OOH. OKAY.

OKAY, I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH LESLIE'S PARENTS,

OFFERED MY SERVICES FREE OF CHARGE AND A SNUGGIE,

'CAUSE YOU MEDDLING MONKEYS DECIDED TO THROW YOUR POOP

ALL OVER THIS POOR KID'S LIFE. HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT? DON'T BOTHER.

MY LIFE'S ALREADY A BIG BOWL OF SUCK, SO... CHIN UP, CHACHI.

BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH YOU, YOU'RE GONNA RULE THAT SCHOOL.

I'M TAKING YOU FROM SAD BOY TO BAD BOY. OH, YES! MOVIE MAKEOVER. DUDE, THAT'S MY FAVORITE.

(Oz) MEET MY MASTER OF DISGUISE JOSH.

WE HAVE HIPSTER CHIC, SKATER PUNK, NEW SCHOOL PREP...

STEP ONE--STYLE.

LESLIE 2.0.

* TA-DA *

STEP TWO--WHEELS.

WHAT HAPPENED TO MY MOM'S STATION WAGON? OH, IT'S IN THERE.

JUST SWAPPED IN A NEW FRAME, ENGINE, TIRES, AND STEREO.

YOU JUST GOT DUTCHED, SON.

OH, MY GOD! YES!

STEP THREE--INTIMIDATION.

YOU MUST POSSESS A MENACING GLARE. SHOW US.

(groaning)

THAT'S NOT MENACING. YOU LOOK CONSTIPATED.

STEP FOUR--SELF-DEFENSE. ONE, TWO. ALL RIGHT. ONE, TWO. ALL RIGHT.

I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! (shouts indistinctly)

I COULDN'T BEAT YOU IN NINTENDO, BUT I CAN BEAT YOU NOW, MIKE. HEY, DON'T GET COCKY, KID.

OKAY, I'M SORRY.

STEP FIVE--BADASS-EDNESS.

(Spank's "2 Gangsta 4 TV" playing)

* WE'RE TOO GANGSTA FOR TV, THAT'S RIGHT *

* YOU DON'T SEE US BUT THEY STILL WANNA BE US *

STEP SIX--ASSEMBLE YOUR TEAM.

* HA HA! ONLY THE STRONG SURVIVE, THE WEAK PERISH *

* WE GOT A GANG INJUNCTION, NOW THEY CALLING US TERRORISTS? *

* MONEY IN THE GHETTO, GET IT WHILE IT'S HOT *

* BANKS STACKED UP JUST LIKE FORT KNOX *

* WE'RE TOO GANGSTA FOR TV *

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD. EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT ME.

WHAT DO I DO? ACT LIKE YOU'VE BEEN THERE, BUDDY.

SENIORS RULE!

DUTCH, YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN THE VAN!

HEY, I MIGHT BE A YEAR OR TEN OLDER THAN YOU GUYS,

BUT I COULD TOTALLY PULL OFF 17.

HEY, SWEET KICKS, AMIGO! EAT MY BUTT, NARC!

DAMN IT. I JUST BOUGHT THIS TRAPPER KEEPER!

THIS IS COOL. THIS IS WHAT WE USED TO DO.

A LITTLE THING CALLED CRAZY LEGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT? BAM! OOH!

I AM... (high-pitched voice) AWESOME!

(boy) EAT THAT, GRANDPA. (normal voice) HELP?

HELP ME UP. YOU KNOW, I THINK I HURT MY BACK.

ALL RIGHT, KIDDIES, NEXT STEP-- WE'RE GONNA PIMP THIS KID'S REP.

HIT YOUR CLIQUES AND SPREAD THE WORD--

LESLIE KACZANDER IS A BADASS.

LESLIE KACZANDER TRAINS WITH MIKE TYSON? (Leslie grunts)

HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE? DIDN'T YOU HEAR?

HIM AND MIKE TYSON ARE B.F.F. BESTIES. (girls) DORK.

(Megan) GUYS. WELL, I'D RATHER BE A DORK THAN HAVE SPLIT ENDS,

SNAGGLETOOTH, UNIBROW, AND A JANKY SPRAY TAN.

YOU ARE A BITCH.

LOVE IT. YOU WANNA HANG?

WOW. HIGH SCHOOL'S EASY.

OUR MOST IMPORTANT STEP OF OZ-IFICATION IS LAST--

Intrigue.

(grunts) OH! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO GO TO PROM WITH ME!

(voice breaking) I LOVE YOU SO MUCH IT HURTS!

WHAT IS HAPPENING? "Baby...

WE JUST GREW APART." SAY IT.

Go, Leslie.

(stilted voice) UH, BABY, WE JUST GREW APART?

I GAVE YOU MY SPECIAL GIFT.

WHAT SPECIAL GIFT? Focus, Leslie.

She's talking about making sexy. OH!

RIGHT.

Apologize like a gentleman. SORRY.

Okay, let's bag our moose. Do exactly what I do.

SAY EVERYTHING THAT I SAY.

Chick's on your six.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU JUST SAID. OH, HELLO.

HI.

UM, I DON'T KNOW IF WE'VE EVER ACTUALLY TALKED BEFORE.

I'M MEGAN. I'M... L-DAWG.

DON'T IMPROVISE, LESLIE. (scoffs) I'M JUST KIDDING.

I'M LESLIE.

LESLIE. OZ, IT'S WORKING. IT'S ACTUALLY WORKING.

CAMERON? IS THAT YOU?

PATTY! HI... AGAIN. HOW YOU DOING?

WELL, UM, WELL, I WAS GOOD

UNTIL THE GUY I HAD A CRUSH ON IN HIGH SCHOOL

STARTED ROAMING AROUND THE HALLWAYS

IN GUYLINER AND SKINNY JEANS. OKAY, THE TRUTH IS, OUR COMPANY WAS HIRED BY LESLIE'S PARENTS

TO FIND HIS CYBERBULLY AND-- WH--YOU HAD A CRUSH ON ME?

WHAT, YOU DIDN'T NOTICE MY AWESOME FLIRTING TECHNIQUES

OF NEVER SPEAKING TO YOU AND ALWAYS LOOKING THE OTHER WAY

WHEN YOU WALKED IN THE ROOM? FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH, I DIDN'T NOTICE MUCH BACK THEN.

(modem whirring) 21 MINUTES AND YOU'RE MINE.

(modem beeping) MOM! HANG UP THE PHONE!

I'M DOWNLOADING... HOMEWORK!

MAN, I WISH I KNEW YOU LIKED ME.

HIGH SCHOOL WOULD HAVE SUCKED A LOT LESS.

WELL--WELL, YOU'RE MAKING IT BETTER FOR LESLIE, SO...

YEAH. ACTUALLY, THE LITTLE DUDE'S ON HIS WAY

TO FINDING HIMSELF A PROM DATE. WELL, IF YOU WANT TO SEE HOW IT ALL TURNS OUT,

YOU COULD--YOU COULD JOIN ME.

I'M... CHAPERONING.

PATTY BOGGS, ARE YOU ASKING ME TO THE PROM?

SEE YOU THERE? IT'S A DATE.

GREAT. (laughs) (laughs)

YEAH.

WOW.

I USED TO BE FAT.

WHAT? YEAH.

OKAY, BYE. BYE.

DUDE, YOU'RE NEVER GONNA BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED.

MEGAN DIAMOND SAID YES! I HAVE A DATE TO PROM!

ME, TOO! HEY, ACT LIKE YOU BEEN THERE.

(Cash) LOOKING FINE, MY MAN!

I BET IT FEELS NICE TO GO TO THE PROM

WITHOUT YOUR LADY-LOVING COUSIN. IT REALLY DOES. I GOTTA SAY, THINGS ARE LOOKING UP.

WHAT THE HELL, MAN?

ANYTHING YOU WANNA TELL ME?

ANYTHING ABOUT YOU, MEL,

AND A LITTLE BABY GIRL NAMED TOBY?

IT'S THE TALK OF THE OFFICE! I HEARD CAMERON'S IN LOVE WITH MELANIE.

MM-HMM. I HEARD THAT THEY HAVE A LOVE CHILD.

HIS NAME IS TOBY.

TOBY'S A BOY'S NAME. I MEAN, THERE IS NO TOBY.

GOD, IT'S LIKE HIGH SCHOOL AROUND HERE.

IT'S JUST A STUPID RUMOR. I SAW THE VIDEO. YOU CALLED ME A DOUCHE.

HE'S SUCH A DOUCHE. CASH, WHAT ABOUT ME IS DOUCHE-Y?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE OLD DUTCH WOULD'VE POUNDED YOUR ASS LIKE A SHOT OF JAGER,

BUT THE NEW DUTCH IS USING HIS WORDS INSTEAD OF HIS FISTS.

MEL, DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THE STUFF HE SAID TO YOU? YEAH, I WAS THERE. BIGGER FISH.

I JUST HEARD FROM BRITNEY WHO GOT A TEXT FROM TIFFANY

THAT O'BANNON'S GONNA DESTROY LESLIE

FOR TAKING MEGAN TO THE PROM. DAMN IT. WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO?

THAT SEEMS SIMPLE TO ME. WE'RE GOING BACK TO PROM.

ARE YOU ALREADY DRESSED FOR PROM? NO, I WAS ON MY WAY TO MONTE CARLO,

BUT I'M SURE THIS WILL BE JUST AS MUCH FUN.

ALL RIGHT, LADIES, GATHER 'ROUND. HERE'S THE SITCH--

CAMERON HACKED O'BANNON'S PHONE. TURNS OUT BULLY BOY RIGGED IT

SO LESLIE WILL BE VOTED PROM KING.

BUT WHEN HE'S UP ONSTAGE GETTING CROWNED, INSTEAD OF CONFETTI

RAINING DOWN ON HIM, IT'S GOING TO BE A BUCKET OF WHIZ. OH, WE USED TO CALL THAT THE PROM KING PEE DROP!

ALSO WORKS AT HOMECOMING. THIS IS SERIOUS, GUYS.

SO HERE'S THE GAME PLAN-- MEL AND DUTCH,

YOU'RE GONNA STUFF THE BALLOT BOX WITH VOTES

FOR OUR BELOVED O'BANNON.

***

NEXT, JOSH WILL NEUTRALIZE THE DEEJAY.

(imitates French accent) AH, MONSIEUR,

WOULD YOU CARE FOR A PROM SHRIMP?

HOW MUCH HORSE TRANQ DID YOU PUT IN THERE?

I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA EAT THE BIGGEST SHRIMP. LET'S CROWN OUR PROM KING.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION?

THIS YEAR'S PROM KING IS...

KIP O'BANNON!

(heart beating rapidly)

THIS IS A MISTAKE. YOU CAN'T MAKE ME PROM KING!

THAT CANNON'S LOADED WITH THREE WEEKS OF MY PEE!

(cheers and whistles)

KIP DOESN'T KNOW THAT WE SWAPPED OUT HIS PEE

FOR A LITTLE SOMETHING ELSE. (cannon whooshes)

(cheering)

HE ALSO DOESN'T KNOW THAT HIS MOM IS MISSING HER CELL PHONE.

THANKS FOR BRINGING MY LUNCH, MOM.

NOW GET OUT OF HERE. PEOPLE ARE WATCHING.

OOH. EXCUSE ME, MA'AM.

SUCKA!

AND NOW FOR THE PROM QUEEN...

(microphone feedback hisses) MOM, IT'S KIP.

I-I HAD AN ACCIDENT, AND I NEED YOU TO COME HOME RIGHT NOW.

MY THUMB GOT CAUGHT IN THE JACUZZI JET AND...

OKAY, IT'S NOT MY THUMB. IT'S MY WIENER.

HURRY, MOMMY. IT'S MY WIENER!

(laughter)

(voice Auto-Tuned) * IT'S MY WIENER, MOMMY *

* IT'S MY WIENER *

NOW THAT'S HOW YOU REVENGE A NERD.

HEY, CAM.

AS PART OF MY NERD FORGIVENESS PROGRAM,

I'M READY TO FORGET ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

NO, I REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE SAID THOSE THINGS.

I'M SORRY, DUTCH.

SO YOU--YOU DON'T THINK I'M A TOTAL DOUCHE NOZZLE?

NO.

PARTIAL.

THANKS, MAN.

***

YOU FEEL MY JUNK? YES.

AWESOME.

(chuckles)

HEY.

THERE'S AN AFTER-PARTY AT TEEGAN'S. YOU IN?

YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAD GONE TO HIGH SCHOOL,

YOU WOULD'VE RULED THE PLACE. YOU KNOW, I'M JUST--I'M GLAD I FINALLY GOT A TASTE.

I'M GLAD I'M NOT HERE WITH MY LESBIAN COUSIN

WHO MADE OUT WITH MY GYM TEACHER. SO, UH...

I SHOULD REALLY GET OVER TO MY DATE. YES. A-ABSOLUTELY. GO.

IT'S--IT'S YOUR PROM.

SWEET BACK BRACE, BROTHER!

'SUP, GINGER. MAKING IT WORK!

HEY, PIRATE TEETH, I WANNA GET TO KNOW YOU!

SO...

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOUR CHAPERONE DUTIES?

OH, YOU KNOW, JUST THE USUAL. I-I JUST HAVE TO MAKE SURE

THE KIDS DON'T DO ANYTHING OFF-LIMITS.

WOULD THIS BE OFF-LIMITS?

***

* I'M JUST A ROLLING STONE *

* WEARING MY HEART ON MY SLEEVE *

WOW.

* SO YOU THINK THAT I'M A WINNER *

UM...

I HAVE TO DO THE ROUNDS.

DON'T GO FAR, OKAY? I WON'T.

* BABY, 'CAUSE TONIGHT *

* THERE IS ONLY YOU, THERE IS ONLY ME *

* TOGETHER WE'RE A LIGHTHOUSE IN THIS RAGING SEA *

* YOU'RE ALL THAT I GOT *

* I'M ALL THAT YOU NEED *

* TONIGHT IS GONNA BE *

* EVERYBODY VERSUS YOU AND ME *

AH, PROM. MAGICAL NIGHT.

UH, YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T EAT THOSE SHRIMP.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. I'M IMMUNE TO ALL POISONS AND SEDATIVES.

GUYS, I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH.

I MEAN, TONIGHT HAS BEEN THE BEST NIGHT OF MY LIFE.

WELL, GREAT. I MEAN, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING ELSE, WE-- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO. I THINK I'VE GOT IT FROM HERE.

I MEAN, AT SOME POINT I GOTTA FIGHT MY OWN BATTLES, RIGHT?

AND YOU WERE JUST LIKE ME IN HIGH SCHOOL,

AND YOU TURNED OUT PRETTY AWESOME.

GIVES A BROTHER HOPE.

I GOTTA SAY, HELPING LESLIE OUT

HAS TURNED OUT TO BE QUITE THE JOB.

I MEAN, I'M BACK AT MY OLD HIGH SCHOOL,

I MET A GIRL I LIKE, AND I'M FINALLY OVER MELANIE.

YEAH, PRETTY AMAZING COINKYDINK.

APROPOS OF NOTHING, I BELIEVE THIS IS YOURS.

WHAT? NO, I THREW THIS AWAY YEARS AGO.

HOW DID YOU GET THIS? ADORABLE THAT YOU STILL ASK THESE THINGS.

* YOU'RE ALL THAT I GOT, I'M ALL THAT YOU NEED *

OH, MY GOD. YOU KNEW PATTY LIKED ME.

THERE'S NO WAY YOU PLANNED THIS WHOLE THING.

YOUR LITTLE OFFICE CRUSH IS CRUSHING THIS OFFICE.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

ENJOY THE EVENING. IT'S A GOOD THING YOU GOT YOUR TUX ON.

TOMORROW WE'RE GOING TO VEGAS. WE GOT A CASINO TO ROB.

* EVERYBODY VERSUS YOU AND ME *

* EVERYBODY VERSUS YOU AND ME *

* HEY, HEY, HEY * * OH, OH *

* EVERYBODY VERSUS YOU AND ME *

* OH * * OH, OH *

* EH, OH * * WHOO! *